Bachelor Pad 2: Synchronized Madness

We come back to our monkey habitat with the girls still all swooning over Fetal Alcohol running after the short bus to be with his eternal love, Jackie. It’s truly the most romantic thing they’ve ever seen. The guys are all still looking from side to side and blinking - wondering if they will ever be able to get a girl in the sack again without going to such great lengths. (Hint guys - you will. Look around.)

Melissa is still pacing back and forth around the house, angrily wiping away tears, and Blake realizes that Melissa has the ears of some of the influential girls so this might not be one big night at da club for him. He may actually have to answer for the lies he tells various women. He follows Melissa to the kitchen and begs her for a chance to have his say.

"Why can't you just let me use you?"

Melissa is furious that Blake has been following Holly around all night like a puppy after forming a romantic/strategic alliance with her just the night before. Of course this was Blake’s plan all along, but he never dreamed anyone would notice. Now that his plan is backfiring, his only hope is that Jake is more hated than he is, which may buy him some time. Melissa refuses to hear him out and goes to whine to Vienna and Holly about how hurt and betrayed she is. They listen and sympathize, which means: Blake is in troubs.

The next day everyone prepares themselves for the next Big Challenge. Kasey and Vienna engage in more of their disgusting snuggling and coo to each other about wanting to win the challenge so that they can have some romantic one-on-one time.

As if this isn't enough.

They also complain that Jake is still ruining everything and must be done away with. Yes, all this again.

Chris comes to announce the challenge and takes everyone out to the pool. Jake takes a moment to remind us what an amazing human being he is: “There are a couple of things I’m just REALLY blessed with. Mental durability, physical strength and problem solving. And so if it falls into any of those three categories, I think I’ll do well.”

"Golly, I'm just blessed."

Wow. We, ladies and gentlemen, are truly in the presence of greatness. He forgot to say “natural kindness” and “extreme good looks” along with everything else. We are very lucky.

Outside there is a team of synchronized swimming ladies who perform an awesome little routine for our losers. Isn’t synchronized swimming just fascinating? It’s so pretty to watch I just love it. And now all these tools are going to butcher it in a challenge I’m sure.

Grace and charm on Bachelor Pad?

Vienna thinks she has this in the bag because she was on the swim team and the cheerleading team in high school. Correct me if I’m wrong, but neither of those are synchronized swimming. Erica is a little more realistic, saying the closest she’s come to synchronized swimming is laying out by a pool. It’s guys against girls and they have to learn the routine that was just demonstrated to them. Jake takes this very seriously, calling on all the technique he gleaned from one of his other famewhoring expeditions - Dancing with the Stars. He realizes, however, that Mike is competition as he is a professional breakdancer/choreographer.

When it’s time to compete, the girls come out in their requisite skimpy bikinis with flowers over their boobs and crotches, and the guys are forced to remove their swimming trunks and do society a disservice by sporting only tiny Speedos. As judges we are presented with a gold medal-winning synchronized swimmer named Karen, then the SUPER annoying winning duo of Bachelor Pad 1, Natalie and Dave. Observe:

"Wanna see the new butt I bought with my prize money?"

Ugh. And they know exactly what about synchronized swimming now? What’s that you say? Natalie is really tan? Great. Chris keeps referring to this quarter of a million dollars they won, but I’d like to point out that they had to split it, bringing it down to $125,000 apiece, then after taxes, these two got less than a hundred grand each, which, while lovely, is NOT a quarter of a million dollars - it’s closer to 60 or 70 grand. But whatevs. We’re not going to start making sense now.

The routine is performed to Waltz of the Flowers, which is what I figure skate to on the Wii Winter Olympics, thank you very much. The girls go first and they totally suck. Erica especially, who just bobs around looking at the other girls to see what she’s supposed to do.

"If we all hold still at the same time, that's synchronized, right?"

Holly and Michelle try to save the team by kissing each other as a finale, but it stunk pretty bad. Luckily it’s not a matter of whether the girls do better than the guys, but of which girl did the best out of all the girls. And we have the brain trust of Natalie and Dave to decide.

The guys take their turn and do exponentially better than the girls. They somehow all know what they’re doing and stay together.

Just like Dancing with the Stars!

Erica remarks that Jake should win the whole competition based on the size of his package alone. Then we get a slow motion underwater shot of said package and I almost threw up all over my keyboard. Seriously, are they trying to kill me here? Jake? Blech!

And now for judging. The guys are up first. Natalie gives Jake a shout out for doing really well, then Dave gives Kirk a shout out for doing really well, but it’s up to the real swimmer to say who actually wins the rose. And it goes to... Mike! For the second week in a row, Mike wins the challenge. Now the girls. Dave gives Vienna a shout out and Natalie gives Holly a shout out, but the real judge awards the rose to... Michelle! Vienna immediately pouts because obviously she did the best on the challenge and she and Kasey haven’t had any alone time, so it’s just not fair! Boo hoo hoo!

"This is terrifying and abusive."

Anyway, the winners get to take three people on their dates and give out one rose again.

Jake is panicking because winning the rose was his only hope at making it through this week, so he’s got to figure out an alternative strategy, like convincing everyone that it’s in their best interest to get rid of Kasey and Vienna, duh. He realizes Erica is a floater, so he goes to talk to her in the smoosh room where they both lay down on the bed holding hands and Erica is in a dress that is up around her waist, giving us all a bird’s eye view of her bright red panties. What a princess!

"My red panties perfectly accent my tiara."

Erica sees this as a shot at love for herself, so these two form an alliance. How charming.

In the kitchen Vienna walks past Jake and says, “Really good job,” then keeps going. Kasey notices and is PISSED. This is going to ruin everything!

"My girlfriend is a complete phony skank!"

In front of a bunch of people he calls Vienna out on being nice to Jake and they proceed to have a screaming/crying match. Oh the drama of a relationship based on lies. Kasey tells us that Vienna may call Jake a fame whore, but she’s a much bigger fame whore than Jake is. Ya think? He also tells Kirk that Vienna is an idiot. Aw, look at him guarding and protecting her terrified heart! Vienna and Kasey go into the laundry closet and have it out. Which is really just Vienna fake crying and playing the wounded victim while Kasey acts annoyed. I hate them both. They are the worst ever, which of course means they’re not going anywhere and we all have to endure them through the remainder of the season.

Later Michelle’s date card arrives and she invites Graham, Kasey and Blake to go with her. Are Kasey and Blake going to go on every single date for crying out loud? Why? Why? The four of them head off to a vineyard with a picnic basket. I think Michelle is more of a mastermind than I’ve been giving her credit for. As Itchy pointed out in last week’s comments, she had a vendetta against Jackie, which is certainly why Jackie is now gone, and now she’s feeling out each of these guys to see where their heads are at. Blake starts to complain about Melissa being psycho, so Michelle pulls him aside and tells him that whether or not Melissa read too much into things, he’d better make things right with her or he’s out of here.

Back home Mike’s date card arrives and he chooses Vienna and Ella because neither of them have been out of the house yet. Then he chooses Holly again, much to her dismay. Holly thought that they would be able to just be friends for this adventure, but Mike thinks they just have so much fun together that she has to come along.

And at the vineyard, Michelle takes Graham aside to tell him that she thinks he’s great, to which he responds, “You barely even know me.” Ah Graham, with your aloof attitude that also reeled in DeAnna, just to humiliate and confuse her. Will Michelle be so unfortunate? She keeps insisting that she wants Graham to be comfortable with her, but she has no expectations and they make out. Goody.

Gross. I hope Michelle's daughter isn't watching.

She gives him the rose and tells us she’s crazy about him. Graham tells us pretty much the same thing about Michelle, so surely there will be some sort of drama coming with these two at some point.

Now for Mike’s date. Apparently his date card said “every rose has it’s thorn,” how cryptic. They head for what looks like Griffith Park to go horseback riding. Vienna acts excited until the horse guy hands her a helmet to wear and then the bitching starts. She has to wear a helmet? The horses have been in the sun not the shade? It smells gross. It’s hot. I’m sweating. There’s pollution. Ella admits that Vienna sucks and it would be a good idea to get rid of her and Kasey.

Let’s see what’s going on at the Mansion of Desperation, shall we? Blake is heeding Michelle’s warning and pulls Melissa aside to try and patch things up. He listens patiently while she tells him off again and then they decide that their partnership is back on. Blake is sure to tell us once again that he doesn’t actually like Melissa, but this is best for strategy.

And at Griffith Park Mike and Holly are having yet another awkward conversation about the status of their strained relationship.

"Sooo... do you like me as a friend or as a boyfriend?"

Isn’t this getting old? We establish once more that they miss each other, how interesting. Mike always thinks Holly looks beautiful. Holly tells us she doesn’t think relationships should be as hard as this one is. Holly is correct. That’s a lesson I learned in my 20s. It’s difficult to see though, until you find a relationship that is easy - then it all makes sense. Don’t cave, Holly!

Jake’s at home trying to get Blake and Kirk on board to vote off Kasey. He’s totally right, too. It makes no sense for everyone to keep Kasey and Vienna when eventually they are going to turn on absolutely everyone - even Michelle and Graham. Jake is saying he’s going to go down fighting and that others should at least try to make it a fair competition. Then he goes to find Erica again to make sure she’s still with him. Erica’s like, “Yeah I totally agree. We should go on a date or something.” Jake rubs her arm in what looks totally forced and completely awkward, but he sees his chance here, so he also goes in for one of the world’s most uncomfortable looking kisses.

Eyes on the prize, Jake.

Erica tells us it was hot because she maintains her lips with injections every six months and she’s a good kisser. Wow, this girl is definitely not the brightest bulb.

Meanwhile the date still isn’t over and Mike gives Holly the rose, which in this case means the other two girls go back home while these two have a romantic evening. Yawn. But wait! Just when you were about to nod off, a tour bus comes pulling up to their picnic table. There are roses and thorns all over it, which could only mean one thing: Bret Michaels. Everyone screams!

"Woohoo! This guy hit his high when we were toddlers!"

And this is relevant how? No matter! Bret comes out of his bus and hugs both of them and tells Holly she is beautiful, which she takes as a huge compliment. I’m sorry, has she not seen Rock of Love and some of the alley cats this guys considers beautiful? The bar is pretty low, Holly. Anyway, everyone goes into the bus and Bret chit chats about Mike and Holly’s relationship and how music has helped him through these types of things. In fact, would they mind if he sang Every Rose Has It’s Thorn? Mike and Holly are like, “That’s nice of you to offer, but no thanks.” Yeah, right!

"You guys I totally wrote this song just for you."

Bret sings and Mike and Holly gush about how the song totally relates to their mess of a relationship and it is all so touching and moving. I’m going to interrupt and say that’s enough of the Bret Michaels Tour commercial. Let’s get back to the crap we tuned in to see, shall we?

Ah, here we go. It’s the Pre-Elimination Party. And as Kasey tells us, it also happens to be his and Vienna’s six month anniversary. Ugh, so what? They can hardly stand each other, so this really isn’t anything to celebrate. But nonetheless, Kasey has a gift for Vienna and he presents her with a small jewelry box, saying there’s no one else for him and every time this is on her finger she’ll know how much he loves her - while he’s telling the other guys what an idiot she is. She starts freaking out and saying she doesn’t want an engagement ring. Kasey is all frustrated and tells her it’s not an engagement ring, it’s a promise ring. But thanks for killing the moment. And guess what happens next. You’ll never guess - it’s too horrible. Kasey sings an impromptu, a capella song off the top of his head about giving Vienna the ring!!!! I’m completely embarrassed just watching it! It’s that weird and it’s that bad. He does it all raspy, like John Mayer, and even though he’s singing, he’s still mumbling so bad you can barely make out the ridiculous words. Someone save us now! Ew, ew, ew!

Erica is inside trying to feel people out on voting Kasey off instead of Jake. It turns out that Jake is out near the hot tub with Melissa, so Erica sneaks out eavesdrops on their conversation, then comes back inside and tells Vienna that Melissa is strategizing with Jake. Well! This is where Vienna chops something vehemently with her knife and she announces that anyone aligning themselves with Jake will NOT be a part of her alliance. I’m sure everyone is trembling.

Guess what! That last scene WASN’T Pre Rose Ceremony time! The only people dressed up were Vienna and Kasey and that was for their horrifying little interlude. NOW we’re on the day of the Rose Ceremony. This is pretty much nonsense, but basically Melissa realizes that Erica has ratted her out and she is crying to various parties about always remaining loyal to Vienna and Kasey and then yelling at Erica for selling her out. She cries a lot and shakes and has breakdowns and most people seem to have had enough of her. Michelle finally tells her she needs to take a deep breath and just let it all go because she’s driving everyone nuts.

FINALLY everyone dresses up for the night and Blake tells Melissa that he wants to stay partners with her, but he worries that she’s letting her emotions run the game, so from here on out he’s going to be very cautious about romantic entanglements. Melissa, of course, bursts into tears and runs to Jake, claiming he’s the only one here who hasn’t let her down. Jake hugs her and she sobs. And I mean she almost SCREAMS about how upset and hurt she is.

"Right into the microphone, Melissa. Tell them how nice I've been."

Jake sees an opportunity to get someone else on his side... and look like a hero at the same time. The physical contact seems to calm Melissa down, so at least it’s quieter now.

Right here I’d like to point out that Kasey keeps saying he wants to get Jake off and every time he says that I giggle a little. Hopefully he won’t sing a song about it. Chris comes tapping his glass and announces that all of the girls are safe tonight and only one guy is going home. So everyone has to vote for a guy. Blake asks Erica to reconcile with Melissa to make his life easier if they get rid of Kasey. So Erica does. She convinces Melissa to forget about Blake - who is too young for her anyway - and to remember she’s here to win money, so they need to get rid of Kasey. Melissa says she thinks Vienna still has feelings for Jake and doesn’t want anyone else getting their hands on him. Also, she hates Kasey. Okay, so each camp has a fair amount of people. There’s not that much left to say, let’s just get to the ceremony already!

Nope! One more thing before we conclude. Kasey and Vienna figure out that a bunch of people are going to vote for Kasey so they get all in a huff because how dare anyone try to win this game besides them? Vienna marches to Erica and tells her she should be ashamed of herself because Kasey has always considered her a dear friend and has been protecting her all this time. She and Kasey didn’t come on here to lose friendships!

"And now I'm storming away with my boyfriend who hates me!"

Ew, she is SUCH a hypocrite! She’s been planning all along to eventually vote off EVERYONE. Now she’s going to get up on a high horse when anyone else dares to have a strategy? Erica just sits there petting her hair.

And at some point she got a hold of this clear gavel she's waving around.

Oh for pete’s sake, Jake thinks he needs to have yet another heart to heart with Kasey. He takes him aside and in his stammering phony-nice-guy way tells him basically no hard feelings, no matter how things turn out tonight. Oh my gosh, Jake. SHUT UP. You’re not making yourself look nice; you’re making yourself look mentally challenged. Kasey tells us he wants nothing more than to punch Jake in the face. We’d all like to punch both of you, Kasey, so just calm down.

FINALLY here we go to the Rose Ceremony with Vienna proclaiming that it would really hurt her if some of her friends think it’s okay to get rid of Kasey and leave her alone in the house with Jake. Oh yes, Vienna. This is all about you and the major drama that you helped to create, which has left you in so much DANGER. Everyone feels so sorry for you. So here we go. Kirk gets the first rose. Then William. Wait, William? He’s still here? We NEVER see him. Surprise! Then Blake. Then after we hear some last words from almost everyone, just to drag this out for eternity, Chris Harrison finally goes, “Kasey.” And everything goes black. And that’s it! No parting words, no previews of next week, NOTHING. So I guess Jake is gone. Tragic. Of course, tragic meaning that we are still going to be subjected to the nightmare that is Kasey and Vienna. But I’m not going to miss Jake for one second. Goodbye Smarmy McSmarm! Please return to your plethora of other reality shows and your mission to convince America that you are Captain Nice Guy. And speaking of captain, weren’t you a pilot in a former life? On the Wings of Love? Look at what you’ve become and hang your head, Jake. Hang your head.

Next week: Who knows? So what do you guys think? Will the balance of power ever shift? Will Melissa spontaneously combust? Will Mike and Holly eventually kill each other - then get re-engaged? Tell me what you’re thinking!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Bachelor Pad 2: Crappa Nostra

So we’re back with our gang of misfits and losers and Kasey is still going on and on about how he is the one controlling this game. This is probably the most power this douche has had in his entire life.

"This totally makes up for when no one would go to prom with me!"

His next goal is to get rid of Jake, of course. I thought that was his first goal - what was that about all of your control, Kasey? Just couldn’t keep Vienna’s butt up in the air any longer? Meanwhile, Jake is lamenting about how he had a huge target on his back coming in to this, but he’s convinced that people are starting to realize that he’s not the jerk he was “portrayed” to be. I think Lizbot found the perfect word to describe Jake in the comments last week: Smarmy. He’s so convinced that he’s this great guy and has no clue why anyone would think otherwise. So to increase the goodwill, he gets smarmier and smarmier, thinking he’s coming off as the nice-guy-next-door, all the while blaming his “portrayal” for why people can’t stand him.

"If you'll just let me explain what you think you saw..."

Without wasting any time, we get right to this week’s challenge! Instead of being a giant sexual innuendo, this one is a giant anonymous hate fest. Yay for destroying people’s self esteem! They couldn’t have had that much to begin with if they came on this show, right? So this should be easy. Here’s what happens. The guys all get blindfolded and stand side by side in a line with their backs facing the girls. Each guy has a huge target painted on his back - this time literally, not just in Jake’s imagination. The girls come out one at a time and are given a question, like who is the biggest weenie of the bunch? The girl will then pick up a paint-filled egg and hurl it at the back of the guy she thinks is the biggest weenie. If she hits, she gets a point, if not, nothing. After the girls go, everybody switches and the guys pelt the girls’ backs with eggs. The guy and girl with the most points at the end win roses and a date. The girl and guy with the most paint on their backs get nothing - not even therapy. So imagine standing there blindfolded, hearing these horrible questions, then feeling egg after paint-filled egg exploding on your back. Welcome to Bachelor Pad! Where everyone hates your guts and thinks you’re fugly. But they’ll only tell you to your back - with paintballs.

"Maybe we should hold hands."

I’m going to summarize the important parts of this. The first question the girls get is: Who are you the least attracted to? It’s not clear who gets hit the most, but when Kasey gets nailed he tells us he knows he’s attractive because he’s dating the hottest girl in the house. LOL. Vienna? Don’t think so. Plus, we all know this knob would date anyone who would have him. Next question: Who least deserves $250,000? We only see a couple of these and no one cares. The last question is: Who do you want to see go home this week? This one’s hilarious because it shows Jake getting splattered over and over. Of course, Jake is all perplexed. He thought he cleared up the issue of his “portrayal!” What gives? This time Jake blames the tabloids. HA! Whatever gets you through the night, smarm boy. So Jackie and Melissa are tied and must therefore throw extra eggs in response to a tie-breaking question, which is: Who is the dumbest? Jackie tries to hit William and misses, but Melissa nails Graham. Melissa wins!

The girls are up!

Just in case they didn't feel vulnerable enough, they have to wear white bikinis while getting their butts judged.

The first question the guys get is: Which girl is most likely to cheat on you? Vienna is shocked when Jake’s egg lands right on her. Next question: Who do you want to go home this week? For whatever reason, Erica gets hit a bunch of times on this one. The last question is: Who are you least attracted to? The girls try not to pee their pants. What on earth will they do if one of these guys doesn’t think they’re pretty? It will be the absolute end of the world! Okay, it WOULD totally suck to get hit because people don’t think you’re attractive, but geez. Once again, Erica receives the most hits. Ouch. She was on the show so long ago, though. Most of the guys probably don’t even know who she is and they had to choose someone. Chris Harrison is practically dancing with glee watching everybody get their feelings hurt. Too bad he’s not an option to throw crap at. When it’s over the girls gather to try and comfort Erica and she bawls to the camera that Ella is way bigger than she is. Oops, I almost felt sorry for you Erica. Mike wins for the guys - he hit his target all three times.

The winners get to go on dates, but not with each other this week. They each get to choose three people to take on a group date and will each get one rose to bestow.

Mike’s date card comes first and says, “Are you afraid of the dark?” To come with him, Mike chooses Erica because he feels bad that she got hit with so many eggs, Michelle because he thinks she’s hot, and Holly because he’s still in love with her. Sounds like a party. They all pile into a limo and get dropped off at Linda Vista Community Hospital, which, according to Mike, is a mental hospital and haunted from the 20s and 30s when a lot of “bad stuff” happened there.

Looks to me like bad stuff is still happening here.

On the front steps of the hospital are a map, a flashlight and a night vision camera, so they have to find their way to the boiler room. It’s really creepy. There’s all kinds of old hospital equipment lying around. This is by no means a romantic or fun date - gross. While Mike and Erica try to conjure up a spirit, Michelle and Holly sit sipping wine and discussing whether there is still “something there” between Mike and Holly. Then Michelle sits and discusses the same thing with Mike. The answer is yes, of course there is still something there and as such, Mike gives Holly the rose, surprise, surprise. They have a little heart to heart and I have a feeling this is all foreshadowing for some sort of future drama involving one or both of them. Right now, though, I’m not too invested in these two and their romance gone awry. Typical Bachelor stuff.

Is it just me, or has Holly looked better?

Like here. Maybe just me?

The next day we learn that Ames and Jackie are constantly sneaking off to make out. Oh please. These two are SOOOOO boring. Neither of them were interesting on their seasons and they’re certainly not interesting now. And since they can’t even come up for air, I’d rather we just ignore them.

Oh good, here’s Melissa’s date card. It says, “Chart a course for romance.” Blake tells us he’s totally not into Melissa, but he hears she’s into him and he wants to win so he’ll play along. Melissa picks Kirk, Kasey and Blake. Then she pulls Kasey aside and bargains with him that she’ll give him tonight’s rose if he promises to keep her safe next week. Kasey agrees. Then he gloats to us that he’s the Godfather - except even harder to understand. Blake won’t shut up about how NOT into Melissa he is, but that he’s playing the game, tee hee hee. Ugh, stop talking. You’re no prize yourself. The date is an afternoon on a yacht.

Back home Vienna is entertaining the girls with tales of how horrible it was being Jake’s girlfriend. He treated her like a possession and wouldn’t even eat her food when she cooked, can you imagine? She says that what Jake put her through is unforgivable. I mean, sitting there watching food get cold? Who could get over that? And I’m sure she was just a picnic through all of this.

"He made me stop interrupting him."

Jake senses that Vienna is spreading bad things about him and he panics about his “well-established” nice guy image, so he decides to throw himself at her feet and beg for mercy. He comes into where all the girls are and asks if he can speak to her outside. She says she’s not comfortable speaking to him without Kasey. I hate girls like that. Fight your own battles, biz-natch. Jake tells her she can bring anyone she wants, but she won’t go. So there go Jake’s great schemes to enlist help from his worst enemy. Guess Vienna won’t be repaying the favor you did her last week, loser. Gia tells Vienna that Jake’s never said anything bad about her and Vienna goes, “Of course he hasn’t, I never did anything wrong,” or something to that effect. Wow, she is rotten. I’ve never liked her and this show is not helping her case at all. Then there’s Jake. Are these two a match made in hell, or what? Here is what he says about all this: “I approached Vienna, just with hat in hand, and gave her the opportunity to do something kind. She declined. And you know what I’m gonna do? Nothing. I’m gonna be a gentleman...” What a martyr. He really thinks he is a super guy who’s been mistreated. And Vienna thinks the same thing about herself! I just can’t believe this relationship didn’t work out!

On the yacht, Kasey the Godfather is reassuring Blake that he has his back, but Blake tells us he doesn’t trust Kasey at all because Kasey tells everyone the same thing. Then Blake pulls Melissa into a yacht bedroom and tells her he wants to give her something to think about then makes out with her.

How passionate.

He reminds us that he’s not really into her, but hey, there’s a rose at stake here. So Blake, I can’t tell. Do you really like Melissa or are you just playing her to win the game? Please explain. Well Melissa decides to give Blake the rose, thus snubbing the Godfather and their previous arrangement. Uh oh. She did it to get alone time with Blake, but now Kasey is pissed, as if he wouldn’t have done the same thing. Blake tells Melissa that he wants it to be the two of them until the end, then they make out some more and he reminds us that he had to have a few drinks before he could kiss her. Wow Blake, the sacrifices you make to come on TV and be a total prick.

The next morning Gia is sitting outside with a notepad telling us that in order to win this game you have to take out the power couples - right now that means Vienna and Kasey. She summons Graham to come talk with her and shows him a diagram of everyone in the house and how they have to get rid of Vienna and then Kasey. Graham sits there in his hat with duct tape over the logo - dude, just take the hat off, seriously - and nods and agrees and promises not to mention a word of this to Kasey.

Elsewhere in the Mansion of Desperation, I believe this is the dreaded night vision camera room where Kasey and Vienna celebrated their ickiness, Blake is trying to make some headway with Holly. Holly is all befuddled because she’s pretty sure her ex-fiance wants to get back together and she’s pretty sure that Melissa kind of already has dibs on Blake. But she giggles and flirts in her workout clothes until Melissa, who has been scouring the house for Blake, bursts into the room and flops down on the bed with them.

"So Blake, remember last night when you said it was you and me to the end?"

It’s really awkward so Holly leaves and then Melissa tells Blake she can’t trust him. She’s super pissed. Blake immediately decides that Melissa is psycho, which is every guy’s easy way out of an uncomfortable girl situation, I know. And Melissa may indeed be psycho, but Blake was making out with her last night! He keeps explaining to us - in great detail, mind you - about his plan to lead Melissa on in order to get ahead in the game. Then when he realizes that she is, in fact, being led on, he calls her psycho. Blake tells us it’s not hard to see why Melissa is single. Oh sorry Blake, I didn’t realize that you were happily coupled up looking in on this pathetic singles scene from the outside. Oh that’s right. You’re just as single as she is, Dr. Blake, DDS. You might want to can the attitude. On the other hand, Melissa is getting quite melodramatic about all of this. She’s bawling to Blake’s face and promising him that she’s an awesome person. Fine, they both suck.

It’s cocktail party time! I’m always astounded when we’re here right before the rose ceremony and we’re still only a little more than halfway through the episode. What on earth is going to happen now? Well Jake is still moping around with his head down, looking for an opening to give Vienna another opportunity to help him out. Why doesn’t he get that she hates his guts? She doesn’t want to reciprocate the rose you threw her last week, Jake. Maybe it’s time to think about a different strategy... like finding a girl to couple with; that seems to be the popular way to feel safe. But no, Jake AGAIN goes to Vienna - this time with Kasey sitting there too - and begs them to help him out. Kasey wants to know why Jake thinks he deserves to be here. What an ass.

"You come to me the day of my daughter's wedding?"

Jake starts explaining that he’s going to donate every penny of his winnings to - but Vienna cuts him off, saying she knows he’s 2 to 300,000 dollars in dept for his limo company (?) and she doesn’t believe him for a second. Furthermore, everyone hates him and he’s going home. Jake says that everyone knows he’s a nice guy - ha ha ha! But the Godfather and Godmother keep telling him off while a bunch of other people look on in silence.

"If we don't move, we're invisible."

Why is everyone so afraid of Vienna and Kasey? Why don’t they get some gumption and vote those two off? Jake skulks off and Kasey and Vienna make out. Ick.

Here’s Chris tapping the glass. Before he gets to tonight’s vote-off instructions, he wants to know how everything is going in the house. William pipes up that it’s super awkward because of Jake and Vienna. Chris wants to know why everyone can’t just bury the hatchet and act like adults and Vienna says it’s too much to ask to make her live in the same house with her ex-fiance. Holly and Mike roll their eyes and laugh because here they are, in the exact same situation, NOT acting like idiot creeps.

"We are easily bought."

Vienna says it’s different because she and Jake were already “forced” to have their breakup on TV and it’s not fair to put them through this again. Chris isn’t having it. He tells Vienna no one’s forcing her to be here and if she wants to leave he’ll call her a cab right now. Geez, if only. Then Chris drops the bomb. Two people will be going home tonight, but they will both be WOMEN. Everyone has to vote for a woman and all of the guys are safe. Jake jumps for joy while Vienna bursts into tears. Yes Vienna, you are being FORCED once again, against your will, to stay in an abusive televised situation with no options. Terrified? She orders everyone to boycott tonight’s vote and claim it’s not fair. HA! No such luck. In fact, people start talking about just sending her home if she’s so miserable.

Jake launches his PR campaign anew to the girls and Michelle tells him there’s no way he’s going to win, so he might as well just go home now. But Michelle, he’s a NICE GUY! Why can’t everyone just get that through their heads? Kasey sits down with Gia. Remember that private conversation she had with Graham about getting rid of Kasey and Vienna? Well, guess who Graham told. Kasey. So here’s Kasey gently telling Gia that she gave it a good run, but she’s finished. Gia is PISSED. She marches straight to Graham and demands to know why he betrayed her. Graham acts all innocent, but to us says that yes, he told Kasey everything, but he’s kinda irritated that Kasey told Gia. Um, oh well? Gia’s had enough and says they’re not getting the satisfaction of kicking her out at the rose ceremony and she’s leaving now. And she does! She packs her bag, tells Chris where he can shove it, and gets in a minivan. Go Gia! Good for you for getting out of this while you can. Who needs these losers?

BETRAYED.

So fine, Gia is gone. But one more girl still has to leave tonight. Who will it be? There are two camps: one for Ella leaving and one for Jackie leaving. That’s funny, I don’t remember either of those two getting hit with very many eggs. Apparently Ella is seen as fierce competition. She pulls Kirk aside and begs him to stand up for her, which he does to a couple of the guys and convinces them that Jackie should go. I’m still not clear why Jackie is targeted, but whatever. We actually get to hear Ames’ voice when he goes to the Godfather to ask him to protect Jackie. You know, I don’t find Ames in the least bit attractive. His face is so odd to me. All I can think of is fetal alcohol syndrome.

"Bright lights... lots of people... peanuts..."

He’s also wearing fuchsia pajama-looking pants with his sport coat and tie. That furthers my fetal alcohol theory. The Godfather promises that he will keep Jackie safe, but he tells a different story to the other guys. I think it just comes down to whether the core group would rather piss off Kirk or Ames. Since Ames rarely speaks or moves, I’d choose him.

Since we’re dragging this out, Melissa lunges one more time at Blake for flirting with Holly in front of her face and furiously tells him she’s done with him. Blake’s psycho theory is solidified as Melissa sobs the night away.

"I've worked SO HARD to prove I'm not over-emotional!"

Finally we get to the rose ceremony, which goes on and on, but we all know that it comes down to Jackie or Ella, so who’s it gonna be? Oh it’s Jackie. I guess Ames IS the safer one to piss off. No one’s afraid of Ames. Ames walks Jackie to her limo while she wipes away tears. Such a tragedy. Young love torn apart. Ripped to shreds. The cruelty of separating two hearts that beat as one in under a week. They kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss next to the limo. Finally she gets in and the limo pulls away as Ames returns to the group. But before he gets all the way back, he waves with both hands and runs his hot pink pajama pants back to the limo to jump in with his immortal beloved.

The short bus is leaving!

Oh THAT wasn’t planned at all. Especially not to look like the end of a romantic comedy. The girls all clutch their chests and cry while the guys just look around confused. So the new lovers ride off into the night together, telling us that love is found in the most unexpected places. I guess finding actual love on any of the Bachelor series WOULD be quite unexpected, but I’m not buying that this is love. I’m guessing Fetal Alcohol didn’t want to keep his fuchsia pants zipped any longer. Hasta la vista, morons!

Endless boring awaits you.

Next week there’s a synchronized swimming contest and Vienna is angrily beating something on the counter with a knife. She and Kasey fight, Jake and Erica kiss, and Melissa has another crying jag. Looks like another fun-filled two hours!

Thanks to all of you who read about this ridiculous show! If you’re actually watching it, you have my empathy. Special shout out to Maddiyaki, whose adorable comment on the last recap brought tears to my eyes. The way to my heart is straight through my ego. Love you guys!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Bachelor Pad 2: Protecting a Terrified Heart

Let the backstabbing begin!

Hello, beloved readers! Can you believe that we’re embarking on Season 2 of Bachelor Pad? This show is an extra-special fun look at some of the lucky losers of Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons past. They’re grouped together in close quarters to compete in sexually charged challenges, pester each other, betray each other, and hopefully find true love and win a quarter of a million dollars. Sounds excellent, right? And in true ABC form, every episode is elongated to the point of sheer torment. This first one was THREE HOURS. But hey, you’ve got nothing else going on, right? You’ve been on the edge of your seat to be entertained thusly. Let’s do it!

I’ve conveniently condensed all of the introductions into photos and pertinent information. Just saved you an hour of viewing time. You’re welcome!

Justin the Wrestler (Rated R): From Ali’s season, eliminated for having a girlfriend at home.

Jackie: From Brad’s SECOND season, hates Michelle Money

Michelle Money: From Brad’s second season, known as the crazy, has a daughter, thinks she should win because her dad has cancer.

Gia: From Jake’s season, also from Bachelor Pad Season 1, got with Wes on Bachelor Pad, who cheated on her with Vienna. Now Gia hates Vienna and warns that Vienna is a complete fake, manipulator, and awful.

Vienna: “Won” Jake’s season, broke up with Jake on TV, alienated many people, super annoying, now dating Kasey, fake cries a lot, says repeatedly that she’s terrified of Jake.

Kasey: From Ali’s season, got a tattoo that says he will “guard and protect” someone’s heart. Mumbles horribly, says “protect” 14,000 times in the next three hours, hates Jake (who doesn’t?)

Jake: Pilot Bachelor, chose Vienna, broke up with Vienna on TV, total douche who goes to great lengths to come off as the “nice guy.” Complete fame and attention whore. Currently on this show and Famous Food.

Erica: From Prince Lorenzo’s season, always wears a tiara, thinks she is royalty.

Graham: From DeAnna’s season, wasn’t interested in DeAnna despite making it to the final four in the season, raises money for children’s charities.

Ella: From Jake’s season, has a son, shares that she witnessed her own mother’s murder (???).

Holly: From Matt’s season (London Calling), was engaged to Michael from Jillian’s season, broke up and got back together with Michael, still sits on her bed reading bride magazines, thinks Blake is cute because he uses big words like “dysfunctional.”

Michael: From Jillian’s season, heartbroken over Holly.

Blake: From Ashley’s season, eliminated after pouting that Ashley was hung up on Bentley, calls Erica thick.

Ames: From Ashley’s season, big forehead, doesn’t say much.

Alli: From Brad’s second season... who?

Melissa: From Brad’s second season... who?

Kirk: Um, who?

William: From Ashley’s season, was mean to Ashley at the “roast” date, which, incidentally, is what you are supposed to be in a roast.

The get-to-know-you cocktail party consists of everyone scoping each other out, giggling nervously, and acting surprised when their arch nemeses walk through the door. I’m taking a liking to Gia and Michelle for outright snubbing the girls they don’t like - Vienna and Jackie, respectively. They both just smile and sort of nod when their rivals greet them with enthusiastic “hiieeeeeeeees.”

Much is made over the impending reunion between Jake and Vienna. So much, in fact, that it takes up most of the time on this three hour episode. When they finally come face to face, Vienna is standing next to Kasey and wearing his jacket. She stands there with her well-rehearsed “terrified” expression while Jake acts all “Golly-gosh, how’s the weather here in LA? Jeepers I’m a nice guy and just wish the best for everyone.” Jake decides he needs to have a talk alone with Kasey to clear the air and just let him know that he has everyone’s best interests at heart because he’s a hero like that. He tells Kasey he understands things have gotten serious with Vienna and by golly, he’s all for it. He just wants everyone to be happy. He supports them as a couple one hundred percent.

"Do you like me now? Do you? Do you?"

Kasey tells Jake he doesn’t like it that his girlfriend trembles in fear when Jake is around, and darn it, he’s here to guard and protect Vienna and her heart of ice. Jake insists that he’s no threat to Kasey and Vienna and Kasey’s like, “I know you’re not. But I’ve heard things about you and I’m here to protect Vienna.” Well that was awkward. But everything is cool now, right? Right!

Oh here’s Chris Harrison tapping his champagne glass, which means he’s gonna tell us the rules! Each of these idiots is here to try and win money, so they’ll participate in challenges, winners of the challenges get immunity, and every week the guys vote off one girl and the girls vote off one guy. In the first challenge tomorrow morning, they will be competing as couples, so immediate hooking up is not only encouraged, but required. The girls look around suspiciously and the guys look around greedily. The night drunkenly fades into morning.

Oh BROTHER, Ames has already found himself a ho. It’s Jackie. They’re laying on some outdoor furniture totally entwined and whispering about what fun things they like to do, like drink coffee and watch TV. But they decided not to be partners because couples always get broken up when one of them is kicked off. So much for Ames and his undying devotion to Ashley - that was true love if I’ve ever seen it.

Did he come in the limo directly from Ashley's Rose Ceremony?

It’s time for the first challenge and Chris Harrison is standing out in front of the house surrounded by beds.

The house became too contaminated.

Seems about right. Who can get their clothes off the fastest - will that win the rose? Who can successfully produce a sex tape first? Actually it turns out to be a strength challenge - oh, so which girl can be in the same room with Jake without killing him? Vienna for the guys? Sadly no, it’s a PHYSICAL strength challenge. What happens is that the guys are raised in harnesses with their bellies facing the beds underneath, and their partners have to straddle themselves beneath and hang on using their arms and legs. Whoever drops last wins. The name of this challenge? The Hook Up. Here are the partnerships:

William/Gia - Gia must weigh about 78 pounds, so William has a clear advantage.
Kasey/Vienna - claim to have been working out and are therefore in great shape.
Jake/Jackie - Jake is motivated by sheer determination to beat Vienna.
Justin/Ella - Ella thinks she needs to simulate aerial sex to benefit her son.
Michael/Holly - formerly engaged, so have practiced.
Graham/Alli - who knows?
Kirk/Erica - Erica is the, well, least tiny girl here, so Kirk definitely has work to do.
Blake/Melissa - who knows?
Ames/Michelle - we’ll see.

Birth of the airborne STD.

Before 10 minutes have passed, William gives up and drops tiny Gia. Way to look tough, buddy. Holly drops next, claiming she’d rather be drinking than holding on to her ex. Blake and Melissa give up next, then after Michelle dangles upside down to try and give Ames some relief, and any straight men being forced to watch this show a thrill, she drops too. After about 30 minutes, Jake and Vienna - along with their partners - are in a final stand off. Driven by hate, neither couple will let go and each is determined to win and kick the other one off the show. After nearly 40 minutes Kasey pleads for mercy and lets Vienna drop. Jake proudly proclaims, “Jake the Bachelor is back!” How unfortunate. Did he ever go away? So Jake and Jackie win roses and a romantic date with each other. Vienna and Kasey retreat to the hot tub to pout. And Vienna really lets Kasey have it. Isn’t he supposed to be here to guard and protect her heart? How dare he let Jake win the challenge? How dare he ignore his tattoo? Vienna’s crying, self-pity and accusations continue for quite some time. It’s not very interesting, but it is very characteristic of her.

"My heart feels very unprotected."

Jake and Jackie get ready to go on their date and learn that they will be getting a third rose to bestow on some lucky person after the date. When they leave, Vienna and Kasey form an alliance with Michelle and Graham and begin to plan other couples to recruit. After some wrangling and group-forming, it looks like Justin becomes a swing voter, which makes him feel very powerful. He begins to waffle between two core groups of pals, thinking all the while that he holds all the cards. Alli rats him out right away for trying to play both sides. Uh oh, Justin’s in troubs.

Meanwhile, Jake and Jackie are on their date in Hollywood and as they walk down Hollywood Boulevard, a small girl spots Jake and begins to cry because he is from her hometown. Jake, of course, relishes this attention as if he’s Robert Pattinson surrounded by screaming tweens. Live large, Jake - this girl might just have seen you at the supermarket back home. The centerpiece of the date is for Jake and Jackie to eat dinner on top of the marquee of the El Capitan theater in typical Bachelor date fashion.

"Up here, everyone! Doesn't anyone care?"

Jake takes this opportunity to make a speech about what a nice, sweet person he is and how he was unfairly sold out by his beloved fiancee Vienna. All he wanted was a small country home with a white picket fence (and a slew of reality shows hopefully followed by a movie contract - I added that part). So clearly, Jake was the innocent bystander in his own heroic life while evil Vienna destroyed his soul like rampant cyclone. Poor, poor Jake. Jackie gets so sucked into this story of woe that she actually advises Jake to give Vienna the third rose as a peace offering. Brilliant!

At home, Vienna gazes into the camera with her crossed eyes and gray eyeshadow, telling us how terrified she is of Jake because she knows who he really is. Terrified!

The next day, basic stewing continues. And continues. And continues. Jake REALLY wants to give Vienna the rose for no other reason than to look like a nice guy. He is a prize moron.

"If only I weren't so nice..."

The entire group gathers in the living room to find out who gets the rose. Jake, of course, stands there like he’s about to receive the Medal of Honor and explains that for many, many reasons he is giving the rose to Vienna and he wants to talk to her and Kasey - again - in private. Jake, they don’t care. Gia cries. She thought she and Jake understood each other. It’s hard to love a hero, isn’t it Gia?

"I'm too betrayed to cry real tears!!"

Jake wants to take this second opportunity to apologize to Vienna for being a meanie to her during their televised break up fight. Vienna maintains her terrified expression and cries. She’s so terrified. Jake concludes his “aw shucks, I’m just a nice guy” speech and Vienna and Kasey run away to embrace and pledge their love. Get this: Vienna says, “I love you. You are my everything. I’m serious. I’m gonna marry you. And I’m gonna have your babies.” EEEEEWWWWW!!! They basically laugh their clothes off at what a fool Jake is and then proceed to have sex in front of a night vision camera. First sex tape: CHECK! How awesome would it be if that actually were a challenge? These two have already won!

So what’s left for this, our premiere episode of Bachelor Pad 2? Ah yes, the Grand Vote Off. A girl will be voted off by the guys and a guy will be voted off by the girls. There’s still almost a full hour of air time left since ABC is a narcissistic ape. Most of it is spent on strategizing, bargaining, bluffing, and general annoyance. The two rival groups are led by Gia and Vienna, but Gia and Kasey promise that for tonight they won’t vote each other off. That’s nice. I like Gia for some reason. We’ll see if that lasts. Vienna puts on some S&M black leather spiked dress, slathers on the gray eyeshadow, and struts around reassuring her allies that they’ve got a fantastic plan in place and they’re all safe. Ugh, how can anyone stand this girl?

"Michelle, your eyebrows make me feel less terrified of Jake."

As the evening progresses, each person must go into the voting room and put someone’s picture in the dreaded box.

Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Everybody lines up in front of the house where two limos are waiting to whisk away the losers. Since Jake and Jackie have immunity, they step up to the front and are the ones to distribute the roses as Chris reads out the names of the people who are safe. Everyone is worried, so worried. Except for Vienna; she’s terrified. And the two unfortunate losers? Justin and Alli! Buh-bye, suckers! Alli hugs the girls goodbye, but Justin won’t shake hands with the guys. He tells Kasey he’s a loser because Vienna’s ex-boyfriend is the one who had to save her, then he marches up to Jake and snatches the rose out of his lapel and puts it on himself. Ha! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

"Nice guys let other guys keep the rose."

That’s one of the best exits I’ve seen! Jake just stands there cause he’s such a nice guy. Justin blames Alli for his early exit and Alli just feels very disappointed. No sex tape for these two! Kasey takes credit for everything that just happened, saying he’s a Jedi genius master. OMG, I can barely understand his mumbles and he’s still able to drive me completely nuts.

Coming up this season, there’s a LOT more where this came from! Each episode is a very important and thoughtful two hours long, so there will be no lack of intellectual stimulation. So what do you think? Are you going to watch? Who do you like and dislike and why? Let’s hear all about it!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta