Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty: Bollywood Boulevard

It's our third stop in Jessica Simpson's Quest for the Perfect Spa - otherwise known as Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty.

Touchdown, Mumbai India. Well, this is where last year's Best Picture of the Year was filmed so certainly there should be some beautiful people to gaze at, right? Freida Pinto? What's her secret? Genetics you say? Bah! Jessica is here to uncover Freida's secrets and at the end of this episode we'll all look just like her.

You too, can look like this.

The gang's first reaction is that there sure are a lot of people in India. Ya think? Just like there were a lot of models in Paris, right? Our Beauty Ambassador for this stop is a former Miss India and a Bollywood star, so you can be sure she'll have an unconventional look. Meet Neha Dhupia.

"All the places like the Iraq and such as..."

Do you think she had to answer a question about gay marriage to win Miss India? She shows them around a Bollywood film set and they stop to watch a troupe of girls performing a dance. Jess and company are amazed.

The kids toilet papered the studio again.

I guess with all these years in show business they've never seen a bunch of people dancing in unison. Britney Spears wouldn't have this problem, she'd just join in without missing a beat. We learn that fashion trends in India reflect images seen in successful Bollywood productions. So it's like the American film industry. We see beautiful images on the silver screen and try to imitate them. The choreographer asks if they would like to learn a Bollywood dance and Jess says all she can move are her shoulders, but they'll give it a whirl. I learned all about Bollywood dancing from So You Think You Can Dance and let me tell you, it looks HARD. Our friends only attempt some side to side steps incorporated with some arm waving and they aren't too successful.

Next we're going to attend one yoga session to see what kind of results we can glean in a half hour. We quickly learn that this is not your everyday yoga class - it's laughter yoga!

Ken thought we were practicing dentistry today.

I saw this in the Albert Brooks movie Looking For Comedy in the Muslim World (rent it!). He went to find out what was making them laugh at laughter yoga and it turns out that nothing is. You laugh for the sake of laughing, which is supposed to increase your sense of well-being. Of course for the purposes of this show we have to bring it around to beauty, so the yogi has everyone pretend to hold up a mirror in front of their face and say they're the most beautiful person in the world. Then laugh really hard.

"My mirror is broken!"

For the next five minutes we watch all these people standing in a circle laughing. I can see them getting more beautiful by the second. Calling this yoga is a stretch. And not a downward dog stretch.

At the break we're directed to go online and purchase the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack. Hey, I thought we were promoting Bollywood here. And where's Freida Pinto?

It's time for our weekly spa visit. More massages? Well, we're going to learn about Ayurveda, the science of life and longevity. Sooooooo massages? Shockingly, no. What we DO get is a hot oil hair treatment performed Indian style, where they put these tall cylinders on the crew's heads and just dump oil all down them. See, I'm of the oily variety and have never had the need to add EXTRA oil to my hair. In fact, If I go one day without washing my hair I can grease all the door hinges in my apartment, so I don't relate to this part at all. But it doesn't seem like the most practical way to accomplish moisturizing.

I guess it's too Western to lean back into a sink.

The next astonishing beauty treatment is a sinus rinse utilizing a neti pot. Okay seriously? I do this daily. We really had to travel to smelly India to learn about this? And Jess and pals are all dumbfounded and shocked to try this.

Jessica accidentally mistakes the teapot for the neti pot.

You can buy the supplies to do this at every grocery store in America. The only difference would be that your neti pot or squeeze bottle is plastic instead of metal. Jessica asks if this does anything for appearance and the spa guys tell her that of course, it makes your skin glow. Whatevs.

And the final spa "treatment" is to drink a glass of herbal water to eliminate the body's natural gasses. They drink it and proceed to practically belch the alphabet. It's quite charming. I guess they're cleansed and beautiful now.

We take time out from Jessica's World Spa Tour to do a good deed. It seems that Jessica does a lot of work with Operation Smile, which is a worldwide organization that performs free operations on children who are born with cleft palates. And India has one of the highest rates of children born with cleft palates in the world.

"I have come to save you."

We meet little Meena who has been cast as the recipient of Jessica's infinite compassion for the episode.

One more appearance and she earns her SAG card.

Jessica sits down to ask Meena if she's excited about all the wonderful things that are about to happen to her. This little girl has actually had to live through "The Price of Beauty." She used to cover her face at school because she was so ashamed of her cleft palate.

The next day, the group suits up in scrubs and hangs out in the operating theater for a photo op with little Meena as she goes under the knife. Then they take turns gushing to the camera about what a life changing experience this has been for THEM.

Despite my sarcasm, it's actually a sweet segment and they talk about her being able to kiss her father one day. The poor little thing is just barely coming out of anesthesia when Jessica gets all up in her face asking her if she feels beautiful now. She crams a mirror in front of her. Bless her little heart, she nods and says she feels beautiful. Great, did you guys get that sound byte so she can recover from her surgery now?

For the Indian finale of tonight's episode, we will be attending a red carpet Bollywood party where our pals will be all decked out in sparkly Bollywood finery. We are talking the whole nine yards - henna tattoos on their hands and bindis on their foreheads.

Jessica requests that her bindi be a tribute to Popeye.

They visit India's answer to Rachel Zoe to choose their elaborate red carpet wear, which will be intricately decorated saris.

For her grand entrance, Jessica is carried into place in some kind of giant basket while Ken and CaCee stand around watching.

My Super Sweet Hindi Sixteen

Our Beauty Ambassador is back to tell the girls they look like princesses, but really all I've discovered is that Bollywood fashion is different than American fashion. They're wearing super snazzy versions of traditional Indian costumes to go to a snooty party. Whoop-dee-do. Jessica informs me that Indians are very spiritual and they are so at peace with their inner beauty that they can express it outwardly through all of these colors and jewelry. I'm going to go ahead and give that theory a thumbs down. It would be like saying that Hollywood starlets are so inwardly at peace that all they have to do is wear a $40,000 dress on the red carpet. Not so much.

Well Jessica did something nice this episode and next week we visit the much-anticipated Fat Huts! That's what I'm talking about. I'm going to pay close attention to see how I can get hooked up with one of those.

So what did you guys think of Jessica's Indian discoveries? Are you feeling very Freida Pinto-esque? Ready to rush to Rite-Aid for a plastic neti pot?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty: India Mini Cap

"Eat your heart out, Jessica Simpson!"

Last night on Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty, Jessica went to India to see how THEY try to get on the cover of Cosmo. It turned out that the mecca of beauty in India is Bollywood, where decorated girls danced en masse in unison. There was also a spa in Mumbai that will pour oil onto your hair (that's what I try to wash OUT of my hair every day) and teach you how to cleanse your sinuses with a neti pot. She could have hit Walgreens and saved herself the airfare. Jess did take time out to visit a small Indian girl who was having surgery to correct her cleft palate - courtesy of Operation Smile, and that part was kind of sweet. But then she went back to the Jessica we all know and love by attending a Bollywood red carpet party all decked out in jewels and henna. I'll be back soon with more!

Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty: French Fries... Mmmm

"What city are we in again?"

Welcome back to Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty! Tonight we have our second leg of this race around the world - oops, wrong show - this journey into enlightenment, and we are headed for Paris, France, where thin is in! Incidentally, this episode is sponsored by Wendy's on the Vh1 website. Mixed messages? In the car from the airport, Ken the stylist mentions that Paris is very chic. Everyone here seems chic. Hmm, whatever. I've been to Paris and that was not my reaction. I think I was more taken with notion that clothes don't need to match or even make sense. But I wasn't researching beauty or the fashion industry so... Jessica muses that maybe she'll fall in love here in Paris. Well, if the fortune teller in the last episode was right, then maybe so! Jess looks out the window and tells us that French men are sexy. Then we get this shot as an example:

"Oui, oui, mon petite fromage."

Well, okay maybe. I actually do remember being pleasantly surprised by how good looking French guys were. Why was that unexpected? I guess I expected large noses and weird mustaches. You know, a cartoon.

Straightaway we meet our Paris Beauty Ambassador. Hold onto your hat - she's a fashion model. Just like the Thai Beauty Ambassador.

Never seen anything like it.

I look forward to the day we meet a Beauty Ambassador who actually has an interesting look - one I can't find standing in the checkout line at the grocery store. Will it ever happen? Anyway, today's Ambassador is named Rosemary and she's tall, thin and basically perfect. Fascinating. She sits down with the gang at an outdoor cafe table to discuss her beauty. She began her modeling career at age 13, which is actually probably later than Jessica's dad began shoving HER into the limelight, so save your sob story, Rosemary. America does child stars better than anyone.

Amateurs.

Rosemary goes on to say that when modeling in Paris you have a contract that includes the weight and measurements you must maintain. The gang seems aghast at this shocking news, but I would imagine that's the same with American modeling agencies. I mean, they're paying you to look a certain way so wouldn't that be part of your contract? Jess and pals dig into the pastries they've ordered while Rosemary nibbles on a shred of lettuce, telling them that this is the model diet.

Rosemary tells us that the real philosophy for the average French girl is la joie de vivre or the joy of living. Ah, so European, I love it. I assume, however, that this applies mainly to people NOT being prodded, measured and criticized for their job every day. American girls are too busy prodding, measuring and criticizing themselves for much joie de vivre. And according to Rosemary, it is this joy of living that brings confidence and makes you beautiful.

Next stop is a wine spa. This is actually just a day spa that somehow incorporates wine and/or grapes into every treatment. Seriously? This is going to unlock the mysteries of French beauty? Well Jessica knowingly informs us that in France everyone's skin is glowing, so they're going to try out this wine spa business. Jess, CaCee and Ken all get a massage performed with a round wooden stick, made of the same oak as a wine barrel. And this is supposed to be a breakthrough? That's a stretch, Frenchies. There is also a grapeseed body scrub for CaCee and a soak in some wine-water for Ken. They claim that their skin is smooth and rejuvenated. I'm not convinced this is anything spectacular.

See, you could never pour wine into your own tub.

Later Rosemary brings the gang to meet a woman who is battling anorexia. Her name is Isabel and she has purple dots all over her face which are never explained.

She's probably fresh off a runway job.

She tells her story about deciding to become a model during her last year in high school then having a designer tell her she needed to lose weight, so bingo - she quit eating and became anorexic. And got lots of jobs. But almost died. See, I have a huge problem with the fashion industry. First of all, it's ridiculous. I mean, I like to look at a pretty dress as much as the next girl, but besides red carpet functions (for which the dresses are probably donated anyway) who purchases these ridiculously overpriced concoctions? I've RARELY seen anything featured on a runway that would be worn in real life, and the girls who model them look absolutely sick. Plus the designers and their industry pals think that they are the most important people in the universe... for designing bizarre clothes! I realize it's considered an art, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with it or think it's as important as they think it is. And these young girls are literally killing themselves clamoring to be a part of it. It's just bad.

Back to Isabel! Her lowest weight was 86 pounds, and no one ever said anything to her about being too skinny. They just kept hiring her. You know, reinforcing her disorder. Jessica is in tears because she knows how it feels to be criticized for her weight. What American girl doesn't? I kid. Sort of. Jessica is careful not to wipe her tears away so that the cameras can get good shots of her empathizing.

"I wonder if Ken has any gum."

Now Isabel is a crusader for anorexia awareness! She has pictures of her emaciated self that she handed out at Italian fashion week. It probably got her a lot of job offers. Seriously.



Well, good for her for trying to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. It's a pretty disgusting industry - did I mention that?

The next day Jessica is on her way to model in a fashion show. I hope it doesn't turn her anorexic. She says it's intimidating because usually when she's onstage she is singing, which she is confident about, but today she will just be showing herself for people to stare at. She goes backstage at the show and is immediately self-conscious being 5' 4" among a gaggle of 6-foot-tall grasshoppers. We meet the designer, Ozlem Suer, who no doubt thinks she's saving the world, but who actually has some very elegant, reasonable looking dresses to show today.

And she doesn't seem to suffer from anorexia.

Then we meet Alexandra Senes, the Art Director, who is dressed like an idiot and thinks she is very far above everyone and everything. She immediately tells Jessica that she's not sure she's going to keep her in the show. Jessica cracks me up (without meaning to) when she asks Alexandra if she made the outfit she's wearing herself. Alexandra is like, "Uh no. It's couture." Okay, here's where my previous thoughts come into play. It's a powder blue skirt and jacket set with BALLOONS resting just inside the sleeves and hanging from the waist.

This is a joke, right?

Nice try, but no. And calling it couture doesn't change the fact that it's impractical and stupid. And ugly. Jessica giggles to the camera that there are blue balls all over Alexandra. That about sums it up.

Blue Balls wants to test Jessica's runway walk, so she tells her to walk with more personality than an actress. Jessica trudges down and back, of course wearing wonky huge shoes from her line. Blue Balls isn't impressed. She tells her to try again, but don't do obnoxious poses or exaggerated hip swivels. That crap may go down in the States, but not in Paris. Oh snap Miss J! Did you hear that??? Blue Balls doesn't think you're fierce!

"Zis eez zee American model, non?"

She DOES however, teach Jessica how to "smize," (smile with your eyes) which I believe Tyra Banks may have trademarked. She makes her go back and forth a few more times until she's satisfied Jess can do it without embarrassing France.

Jess chooses a dress and Ken has to step in and poof out her hair and outline her eyes in record time so she matches the real models. Jessica is terrified and Ken and CaCee are terrified for her. The other models are staring and it's suddenly time to go! Jessica nearly pukes, but she manages to come out on the runway, which after all that is only about 12 feet long!

It's as long as a diving platform.

She walks to the end, pauses, turns and walks back. The end. No American nonsense. Why is this hard again? Oh yeah, because you have to be freakishly tall and have an eating disorder. Even Blue Balls deigns to say that Jessica did great. So I guess now she has first-hand experience of what it is to be beautiful in Paris.

And to drive the point home, later we meet Rosemary at a photo shoot. Oh and Jess gets her picture taken too.

That amazing smile is her joie de vivre.

The photographer is Gilles Bensimon, whom I know thanks to Tyra Banks and Kelly Bensimon of Real Housewives of NYC. Gilles has been inspired by Jessica's journey to do a photo shoot of "everyday women" like CaCee and Ken. Finally we meet Johanna Dray, France's first plus size model. And she actually looks plus sized, not like the size four elephants that pass for plus size in America.

She would be tazered at an American agency.

Jessica asks Johanna if anyone ever tried to bring her confidence down and Johanna says, "The world of fashion, especially in Paris, is a little snobbish." Understatement of the century, Johanna. Why couldn't she have been our Beauty Ambassador?

Jess tells us that in Paris she learned that confidence = beauty. La joie de vivre! I learned that I still think the fashion industry is silly and destructive and that Jessica and crew enjoy getting massages of all types.

I missed the preview for next week, but I'm hoping we're going to veer off the beaten path and see some UNUSUAL ideas of beauty. That would be awesome! What do you guys think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta