The Bachelor: Q&A, part 2

Q: What do a British chap, an Italian Prince and a douche bag have in common?
A: They failed to find everlasting true love with the partner they chose on the television

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am thankful today for Chris Harrison, and the joy that The Bachelor gives me, while I watch the doomed union of singles season after season. Let’s continue to see why our Bachelors are not spending their Thanksgiving with their chosen loved ones today…


Andy Baldwin
Mayo from The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman was quite possibly, the worst man ever picked to be the Bachelor. He had a weird military job treating underwater sunburns and was obsessed with triathlons. Whenever he had something to think through, it was usually while doing pull-ups or lifting 700lbs of weights with a backward leg curl. Even in his confessionals, you can tell he was doing toe-lifts and knee flexes.

Mayo and his chosen Tessa fell victim to the cliché break-up of The Bachelor and they broke off their engagement despite insisting they are still a couple. "When the fantasy wore off and the reality set in, we both realized we weren't ready to be engaged," Mayo elaborated to In Touch Weekly, which first reported the couple's decision to end their engagement. "We're taking things much slower."

Later, after spending some quality time apart, he in Huh-why and she in San Francisco, Mayo had recently re-proposed to Tessa after they both swam in a 1.2 mile race off Oahu's North Shore on July 7. Of course it involved a work-out.

"Andy got down on one knee and gave her a traditional Hawaiian gold ring," an insider told In Touch. "On the show, Andy gave Tessa a stunning, $50,000 Chopard diamond engagement ring paid for by the network, but it wasn't as meaningful to her as this ring."

Just Jared reports that the reason that Mayo finally dumped Tessa was because he had another babe on the line. According to a report from the celebrity blogger, "The Bachelor" was spotted getting cozy with former Miss Iran, Sepideh Haftgoli, in a Los Angeles park

Besides Miss Iran, Mayo has been rumored to have dated a laundry list of women since his break-up from Tessa: Bevin, the runner-up to Tessa, Mischa Barton, Audrina Patridge, Karina Smirnoff, and most recently, 45 year-old Marla Maples. Mayo has been quoted as saying that Marla is “polite and respectful and has a great heart.” Wow, what a dream come true. I wonder if Marla has to do mini-triathlons to prove her love for Mayo.

After reading this quote, I’ve decided they make a fantastic couple: “There’s a lot of sweet, cute people in the world, but it’s what’s in here,” Maples said, gesturing to Baldwin’s heart, “that counts.” They have also become friends with Deborah Gibson. Electric youth y’all – feel the power!

"Let's exercise!"

Mayo was supposed to officiate over DeAnna and Jesse’s wedding next year as he is not only an undersea medical officer, but also a certified minister! Oh, and a humanitarian, according to his website.

The many faces of a douche

Additionally, he made this very important announcement about J.Lo during the Nautica Malibu Triathlon last September: “She was sweet, I was giving her some pointers on [swimming] and helping her relax.” That boy’s busy!

One of that season's contestants who was cut about half-way through started a blog to detail her experiences with Mayo. And she had a lot of not-so-nice things to say about him. I can't find the link, but maybe HG can post it in the comments...

Shayne Lamas has an uncanny resemblance to Sasha Vujacic - anyone else agree?

Matt Grant
This Bachelor called all the way from London to find a beautiful American actress to call his own. When he first laid eyes on Shayne Lamas, he declared that she was way out of his league – that’s when I knew he would chose her to be his one-and-only true love. But alas, they broke up.

Here’s the timeline for Bachelor Matt after the final rose withered away – interrupt me when you can see the writing on the wall:

May – Shayne gave Matt the most amazing gift he'd ever receive from her (a picture of herself) and Matt asked her to be his monkey or something lame. Bam – they’re engaged after 6 weeks of knowing her.

May (same month) – Shayne poses for Girls Gone Wild Magazine and described Matt: as being “very casual [and] respectful of women.”

May (same month) – Matt stands by his fiancée after the magazine cover (?). They are now living in Lamas’ Studio City condominium.

June – Matt moves out of Lamas’ condo but the English Bachelor insists that all is well with the two.

July - Bachelor Matt Grant and fiancée Shayne Lamas have ended their short and often-rocky relationship.

Kaput!

"They said it's tasteful!"

Reality TV World posted this accurate headline: Matt Grant and Shayne Lamas have confirmed that their engagement has ended the same way as every other The Bachelor couple before them -- without a wedding.

Shayne gave an interview just before the break-up to Reality TV World saying: "We're madly in love and we're not going to put any pressure on ourselves, we're in it until the end. We're engaged and we're going to get married and it's forever."

But then about a minute later, an announcement came that Shayne had traveled to Las Vegas and cheated on Grant with Vegas media mogul Justin Wenerger. Shayne then reportedly broke-up with Grant via a phone call. Classy girl.
But don’t shed a single tear – Matt is in love once again! This time it’s with his British-born public relations representative, Sarah Robarts, a single mother of two (who is at least 7% unhappier than her single non-mother peers). I hope she has some good Hollywood connections for her sake.

“It’s the best relationship I have ever been in,” Grant said. “I’m completely in love. She’s extremely beautiful inside and out. She’s one in a million.”

And Shayne’s IMDB resume continues to flourish with line items like:
“Endless Bummer (2008) .... Red Bikini Girl”
There have also been rumors that Shayne refuses to return the engagement ring, saying she will keep it in a box, like a glass slipper, and that Matt can come and visit it anytime.

"Please, whatever you do, don't tell them I am a Prince from Italy"

Prince Lorenzo Borghese
Ah, Prince Lorenzo…remember this guy? He was truly the most uncomfortable Bachelor in history. Right off the bat, he told us that he feels uncomfortable telling people in social situations of his Prince status because it alters the way they treat him, and he doesn’t get to really know or see how real people are towards him. This was completely ignored by ABC as they plastered and exploited his Prince status, even having the show filmed in Italy, where you will be surprised to learn, he was born. Why surprised? If you recall, there was a lovely Italian lady vying for his heart, who did not speak a lick of English, and he could not find two words he knew from his native Italy. It was a disaster.

"Non ho idea di che cosa state parlando"

Prince Lorenzo currently resides in New York City. He is the founder and president of Royal Treatment Italian Pet Spa – a high-end bath, body and skin care line for pets, using the finest natural cosmetics from Italy. This earned him his moniker The Pet Beautician. Recently he found and became president of a social networking site for pet owners called Nuzzleplanet.com. Spot just added Rufus as a friend!

"I don't want to decide!"

Prince Lorenzo chose Jennifer Wilson over the Sadie, who’s virginity was treated as if it were herpes. Only one month after the show ended, Jennifer was rumored to be secretly dating someone else. Later that month, Sadie came to visit the Prince in NY and ended up moving there and started dating him. But things didn’t work out here either:

"Lorenzo just wouldn't commit to her. He liked her a lot but wouldn't make her his one and only. Seems like he had a completely different impression of her before she moved here," an "insider" told The Post. "He thought she was very sweet, innocent and intelligent. Turns out she is a big party girl and doesn't take her job seriously at all."

Prince Lorenzo Borghese Can Make Your Wet Dog Smell Like Chocolate

In other Prince Lorenzo news, in November 2006 he found Salma Hayek’s borrowed gems in a New York taxi cab. Salma’s assistant was supposed to bring $50,000 worth of baubles to Miss Hayek, but left them behind in a cab. The next person who happened to take that same cab was the Prince. He noticed the envelope with Miss Hayek's name on it and called ABC to let them know he had something of hers. That Prince Lorenzo – he’s so edgy and controversial with his news-making!

Not a lot else was to be found on The Prince. He seems to lead a low-profile life connecting pet owners and giving mani/pedis to his dogs.

We're about half-way there...stay tuned for more in the coming weeks.

The Bachelor: Q&A, part 1

Q: Where aren't the Bachelors of yore?
A: Enjoying everlasting true love with the partner they chose on the television

"Bachelor, Ladies, this is the final rose for tonight"

With all the buzz about the new Bachelor – I decided to do some research on where the past Bachelor/Bachelorettes are and how far they’ve come in their quest for true love on a game show. I’m pretty sure this will be the first hour in the 2-hour premiere in January, but so much can change till then.

Chances are: bad

Based on the chart above, I'm going to guess Jasnore will **not** be finding true love on a television game show. But maybe he's different. Maybe Jasnore will have done his research, and took notes on what has and has not worked for others. Let's see where our bachelors are and why it all fell apart....

Bachelor Alex
Remember Alex Michel? He was the original Bachelor who picked Amanda over Trista, who was a Miami Heat cheerleader during the Bachelor but then all of a sudden became a physical therapist during the Bachelorette. Alex and Amanda pulled off the charade of being together a lot longer than most of these couples possibly due to the contracts they signed, when it was obvious they couldn’t stand to be in each other’s company. Back then, ABC hadn’t given up on the idea that this could actually work in finding true love.

Anyway, Alex is now available to speak at your next corporate event - with a unique message that is sure to capture your attendee’s attention! Here’s a quote from a celebrity appearance website he is featured on:

Decision-Making Under Pressure - Lessons From Candlelight Dinners Applied to the Corporate Jungle

As the Bachelor, Alex Michel had to make a lot of tough decisions very quickly. And these were serious decisions — which women should he keep dating? Which women were most compatible with him for the long haul? Which women sincerely liked him and which women were just playing a game?

But he made all the wrong decisions! He picked the wrong lady to keep dating, a lady who was obviously not compatible with him for the long haul. Yeah, I’d pay to hear him talk about his massive failure - not!

Upon further research, I found this headline which tickled me a bit: Bachelor Alex Michel applied for, rejected from Survivor Marquesas because he was “too effeminate.” Take that Alex!

"Duh"

Bachelor Travis
Dr. Travis [D]ork went all the way to Paris to pick the gal who literally lived next door to him in Nashville. Despite kismet, they didn’t last. And here’s the reason: “The biggest contributing factor to the breakup of Travis and Sarah was the confidentiality agreement they both signed while on The Bachelor.” Apparently, it was too hard for them be together without being able to be together, so it was easier to break-up.

If you recall, Roy...I mean....Sweet Travis was not very bright, didn’t really understand what was going on around him, and used to say really retarded things on the show like:

“I think being intimate with someone is a very private thing. Even if it’s just a kiss, ultimately a kiss is between 2 people and that’s what it’s meant for. So when I see people in public going at it, are they performing? Sometimes I think they are. What’s the point of that?” Then he made out with all of the girls on national television.

And…

“The last thing I want to do is see someone in need of medical attention, that’s why I become a doctor.”* – HA!

The saddest part of that season was Moana who was beyond swept up with Travis when she “saw her own soul reflected back to her.”

Douche bag Dr. Travis wrote a retarded book called: Don’t Be That Girl - where Dr. Travis promises that he can show women the path to happiness and confidence which will lead them to find their true love. This from the man who was an epic failure at choosing a partner from 25 women who were picked to be his ideal match. Seems like he’s the one in need of advice. So no thanks Travis, you can keep your useless advice all to yourself.

"Duh"

Sadly, Travis is rumored to be dating Carrie Underwood. What a tragedy.

Andrew Firestone
Andrew married an actress and declared that he’s so happy, he can hardly stand it. An odd choice of words to describe a positive emotion.

Aaron Burge
If you recall, Aaron and his chosen prize Helene didn't even last until the final rose. She refused to be in the same room with him, and they had to be interviewed separately via satellite. I don't believe the reason for the tension and disgust was specified, so please do let me know if any of you recall.

In the meantime, I am going to believe this false rumor that Aaron impregnated 3 of the ladies while on the show: read me

Where's Aaron now?

Still-single Aaron Buerge manages two Trolley’s bar and restaurants — one in his native Missouri, the other in Kansas — and was named president of local First National Bank. Buerge has had one post-show proposal, he revealed, but it was to be a sperm donor for a woman and her husband.

Keep it classy Bachelors of yore!

More updates on past bachelors are coming soon.....


*What he actually said was "The last thing I wanted to do was hurt someone, that's not why I came on the Bachelor."

What a Commotion!

"What is love?"

Oh my gosh! This truly is the most shocking Final Rose Ceremony ever on The Bachelor. There has been so much hubbub over Brad’s decision and so many rumors flying around trying to explain it. I’ve never been so overwhelmed with the outcome of a reality show! There’s a lot to examine in this, our 11^th Bachelor finale, so let’s get started.

Brad wakes up and pours himself a cup of coffee and then heads out onto his rental balcony to ponder over his excitement about seeing Chad again today. What? The final two bachelorettes are stopping by as well? Oh, well, that should be fun. I wonder if Chad will tell that one story… Speak of the devil! Chad is knocking at the front door and has Mom and Dad in tow as well. Wait, that isn’t Dad. That old man is Brad and Chad’s little brother Wes. He must be known as “the smart one,” or “the funny one.” Brad tells everyone that DeAnna is coming first today. She’s strong, independent and from Atlanta Georgia. That’s where Brad was born so his family is very happy to hear it. These coincidences mean an awful lot. DeAnna arrives to be paraded past the family and Chad introduces himself as Brad because that one never gets old.

Out by the pool the family plus DeAnna enjoys a continental breakfast and the Womacks proceed to pry into DeAnna’s life. Mom tells DeAnna it’s obvious that Brad likes her a lot and Brad tells America that DeAnna has been a bartender for eight years. Now wait just a darn second. DeAnna is 25 so she’s been of legal drinking age for four years. What on earth are the liquor laws in Georgia if they let a 17-year-old tend bar? They must have even classier places than the Dizzy Rooster over there. Anyway, Brad tells the fam that this makes DeAnna not only a potential in-law, but also a potential employee. I’m sure the boys would love to stay late at work to supervise DeAnna’s cash transactions. DeAnna laughs and laughs because it is always funny to remember how you circumvented the law as a teenager. Mom Pam tells us that she paid close attention to Brad’s body language around DeAnna and that he was always touching and petting her, so she knows Brad is really excited about this one.

Mom Pam pulls DeAnna down onto a bench and asks point blank if she is in love with Brad. DeAnna says yes and that she’s found the perfect man. Mom Pam wonders if DeAnna expects a proposal and DeAnna says she’s not so much expecting as hoping for one. Brad gets his brothers’ approval on DeAnna and then starts wishing he had an easier decision ahead of him. The brothers just kind of stand there shrugging.

"We miss you at the Dizzy Rooster."

Mom Pam and DeAnna discuss the fact that three is a great number of children to have. Okay, whatever. Just as Brad is about to walk DeAnna to her car, Chad and Wes shove him into the pool. Then Wes shoves Chad in and Chad turns his shove into a triple jackknife on the way in. Wow, they get more and more impressive by the minute! Of course Wes has to be next and Mom Pam stands there giggling at all three of her charming sons while DeAnna is happy to watch Brad play around with his brothers – even if it means she is totally left out. Brad finally walks her to the car soaking wet and tells her that the family loves her. They kiss and bid each other a reluctant farewell. DeAnna tells us she feels like she and Brad could live happily ever after, but she is a little worried that the family is about to meet Jenni now. Brad shoves DeAnna into the car and sprints back over to frolic with his brothers some more.

Jenni is up next and the fam assures Brad that they will keep an open mind meeting Jenni even though they think DeAnna will be hard to beat. What was that about an open mind? The boys have all changed out of their wet clothes into t-shirts and shorts when Jenni comes a-knocking.

"Hang on, guys. The cheerleader's here."

Brad stands back and waits for Jenni to run into his arms, which of course she does while giggling at the top of her lungs. Now Jenni takes her turn to parade and she gives everyone a hug and then they all head back out to the pool for lunch. Chad asks if it’s hard to be one of the final two girls. No Chad, it’s super stress-free. Mom Pam asks (right in front of Brad, mind you) if Jenni has told Brad she loves him. Jenni says no and Brad starts stuttering uncontrollably. Wow, that’s not inappropriate at all, Mom. Jenni explains that she doesn’t want to feel like she has to say “I love you,” but that it should just come out naturally. Mom Pam just sits there looking at her, then asks if they can talk privately.

"Who isn't in love with my son?"

Inside Mom Pam warns Jenni that if she marries Brad she will also be marrying his entire family in a big way. Jenni thinks that’s great. Then Mom wants to know if she is in love with Brad. Here is Jenni’s answer: “That is a big question. Um, I think that love is a huge thing, and it’s very important. And I mean I’m going to say that I am falling in love with him. Every second we spend together I want more.” Yes Jenni. Love is a huge important thing; that was deep. And despite her slight hesitation in answering the big question, Jenni says she would absolutely say yes if Brad were to propose. So love? Maybe. Marriage? Definitely. All righty, then. Outside Jenni tells us she’s thinking about her married name: Jennifer Dawn Womack – perfect! Methinks someone is very caught up in the idea of a wedding.

Jenni throws a football around with the brothers, then she calls timeout and runs to the middle of the grass to do a dance. She tells us she loves the Womacks and when Brad walks her to the car they kiss and again Brad can’t wait to get back over to his family. Let’s see if Mom Pam has any helpful advice. She asks how Brad is feeling and he frets that when he says goodbye to one of the girls he will be breaking his own heart as well as hers. Mom Pam says it was easier to talk to DeAnna, but she just doesn’t know what to tell Brad because both girls are so over-the-top amazing. She tells us that Brad has never dated two girls before and he is just beside himself with confusion. No one saw any of this coming when he first signed up for The Bachelor because in past seasons, no Bachelor has ever dated more than one girl at a time. Oh wait, I mean just the opposite of that. Anyway, the conversation of course ends with Mom Pam not being able to offer any helpful advice, just as the ABC production crew instructed her and all past Bachelor mothers.

Now it looks like the girls each have one last chance to impress Brad with a final one-on-one date for which they have each been assigned some random apartment in which to make dinner. DeAnna is first and she tells us that this is her last chance to put everything out there on the table – including dinner. Ha ha ha. Sorry. She can totally envision her life with Brad, you know, eating dinner together, sitting on the couch – the finer things in life. She’s ready for her happily ever after. Brad arrives and DeAnna is wearing some tiny little black sunsuit that I just can’t figure out and it looks like she’s made lasagna.

"So they got you this apartment?"

Mmm, lasagna. I wonder if it’s Stouffers. They talk about how wonderful it was for DeAnna to spend time with the Womacks and then Brad raves over the Stouffers frozen lasagna. (I actually don’t know if it’s Stouffer’s – I just know that’s what I would serve.)

Bon appetit!

Brad takes a break to warn us that he’s going to say what’s on his mind – look out. He tells DeAnna that she’s everything he’s always looked for in a woman, and she’d be an incredible wife and mother. DeAnna tells us that talking to Brad makes her feel like she’s the only person in his life and she likes that. Then they get to the important stuff, like what happens when Brad leaves the toilet seat up?

Next it’s time to move to the couch for DeAnna to make her final proclamation in hopes of getting the diamond. I find these speeches interesting, so I’m going to do some quoting. “I want to be happy (blink, blink). As happy as I’ve been the past few weeks, I want this for the rest of my life (blink, blink, blink). I don’t want it to go away and that’s what scares me. And that’s what’s hard for me. Everything else is good and I love having you here. I am falling in love with you (blink, blink, blink, blink) and I do see myself marrying you. I do want to be that person that makes you happy and that makes you smile. I do want to be that person forever. I don’t want this to go away. I feel like I have found the best thing that has ever happened to me…” on and on. Basically she hopes it all works out, but she’s scared. Brad sits there like a deer in headlights listening and then they kiss. He tells us that he can see himself and DeAnna lasting a lifetime, BUT… there’s always that inevitable but. Everyone I know has a big but. Tell me about your big but, Brad. Well, her name is Jenni.

The next night Brad is off to his final date with Jenni at some other random apartment. He promises that he’s going to have an open mind about everything, even after his evening of fabulosity with DeAnna. Jenni says she’s been very positive and confident up to this point, but now she’s a mess. She knows that this is her last chance to tell Brad how she feels and it’s hard for her to say “I love you.” Jenni has ordered in some Japanese food – I refuse to believe she made sushi herself – and she’s holding her chopsticks funny, like one in each hand, while she explains to Brad that she feels silly being serious. Brad encourages her to spill her guts because he wants nothing more than to believe this is real. He’s scared, she’s scared, everyone’s scared, including me. I’m terrified. Jenni promises Brad that when it comes to her he has nothing to be scared of, and then she starts crying. Brad pulls her over to him and I notice that Jenni has a weird tattoo on her shoulder blade. Take a look:

I'm guessing racial harmony.

She goes on, saying that she knows it would be a lot of work with her (you know, the long distance thing, the 45,000 guys staring at her butt every time the Phoenix Suns take a timeout), but that she thinks she’s totally worth it. She keeps crying and apologizing for crying and Brad keeps patting her hair and wiping off her tears. Jenni tells us that today is the hardest day of this whole, whole thing.

Time for the couch talk! Jenni brings out a little wrapped gift for Brad and it is a journal that she’s kept of her entire experience on The Bachelor. That’s really sweet, but such a girl thing. Do guys appreciate stuff like this? Like remember when Tessa made Mayo a picture collage of all of their dates? Anyway, she gives her final proclamation by reading aloud from the journal and here it is: “Brad, I love everything about you and I want you in my life. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that people you meet mean something. I’m falling in love with you (deep breath) and I want to share my life with you. I respect you with everything I have and I know this is really hard for you. I stand by you no matter what you choose, but please know that if you take a chance on me (take a chance, take a chance, take a take a chance, chance) and want to go through life with me I will be so good to you.” Here she looks up and tells him that none of this is fake and she really loves him. Boo hoo hoo. Brad says, “The best words you could say to me.” They snuggle up and Brad tells us – again – that he can’t imagine saying goodbye to either girl. But he’s gonna do it!

"I'm so glad you said it on camera."

Brad wakes up bright and early the next morning with tons and tons on his mind. He puts on a black suit to head over to Rodeo Drive to shop for an engagement ring according to his contract. This is so Pretty Woman as he heads into Chopard for a shopping spree. He chooses a brilliant cut with a diamond encrusted band and only four prongs.

It's okay I guess.

Later he changes into a tan suit and ponders over how he can see both DeAnna and Jenni as his wife for their various attributes. Everyone is all dressed up and piling into their limos to head over to the Final Rose Ceremony. Brad says he’s very confident in his decision and he has to follow his heart. I’m relieved that we’re not watching endless montages of both women and their journeys with Brad.

"Watch everyone. I'm following my heart."

Finally Brad is perched up on his proposal platform with the Final Rose sitting on top of a small pedestal behind him. He says that this is terribly difficult because he is about to break someone’s heart and have his heart broken too. Here comes the limo and Chris Harrison shows up (hi, Chris!) to help Jenni step out and face her rejection. She’s in a short strapless light blue dress that kind of looks like a towel to me. She steps up to the platform and asks Brad how he’s doing and he says he’s good. He starts by telling her that from the first moment he saw her he was taken back and I give up on trying to point out that the word is “aback.” He gives the usual speech about how amazing Jenni is and how much fun he’s had with her, but then says that he’s looking for something more that he can’t seem to find with her. He never thought he’d tell her goodbye, but here he is telling her goodbye and it breaks his heart. Jenni just hangs her head and her Christmas ornament earrings dangle while Brad begs her to look at him say something because he just cares so much about her.

Jingle bells.

Jenni says she has plenty of things to say but she can’t get them out. Brad begs her to please try and say something that will make him feel less guilty and she finally says that this is the reason she was so hesitant to tell him how she felt and now she’s embarrassed. Brad says there’s nothing embarrassing about telling someone how you feel – look, he just did it! Then he hugs her and walks her back to the limo. Jenni tells him she hopes he’s truly happy. We have a close up of the last rose still hanging out alone on its pedestal.

On her ride of shame Jenni tells us that this is worst feeling in the whole wide world – telling someone how much you care for him and then having him reject your feelings. She just doesn’t know what went wrong and she tried to follow her heart, but obviously Brad isn’t the one for her. She knows she’s a good person and that there is someone out there for her. Brad climbs back up onto the platform.

Brad tells us that today he is so happy because he has been searching for his ideal girl and there is not a single thing he wants in a future wife that DeAnna does not possess. He’s very scared and nervous about what he’s about to do. Chris helps DeAnna out of her limo and she looks very pretty in a gold dress with a sparkly top and a lampshade bottom and then super high heels. She tells us she’s excited to see Brad because she feels like she can’t live without him and she’s never been this happy. She mounts the platform and Brad starts the DeAnna speech. He’s never met anyone like her, she is so strong and independent, and he remembers first meeting her and first kissing her and how much he feels for her. He reminds her that she said that marriage is one time only for her and that he feels the exact same way and he just told Jenni goodbye. DeAnna gets a hopeful smile on her face and takes a deep breath.

"All of my dreams are about to come true..."

Then Brad starts to twitch.

"Is it hot out here? Can we trade outfits?"

He pulls at his collar and his tie then drops DeAnna’s hands, turns around and claps once. He tells her to “hold on real quick” and starts pacing around the yard. She stands there pulling up her strapless dress while Brad goes behind a rosebush and breaks out into hives. He finally comes back rubbing his hands together and tells her that even though she has everything he’s ever wanted and even though he has so many feelings for her and even though he wants to be so confident about spending his life with her, he can’t look her in the eye and tell her that he loves her. He can’t give her any promise that he can’t keep and now he has to tell her goodbye. What? Not even “let’s see where this goes in the real world?” Nope, he’s sending her packing. DeAnna starts to cry and says she doesn’t understand. Does Brad just think of her as a friend? He says no, but that love means a lot to him and he doesn’t want to give her a false promise. DeAnna tells him that none of this sounds right and I have to agree. I understand not proposing, but sending her off all together? He says he never wants to hurt her, which is pretty ironic. He asks if DeAnna knows how much he cares about her and she says no she doesn’t.

"But see, when I smell your hair, it means I love you."

She wants to know what happens when he regrets his decision and his answer is: “I don’t know. I have to walk you out right now.” At the limo he says, “I hope you leave here knowing how much I care about you. That’s all I can say.” What the crap is that supposed to mean? He says he cares about her but doesn’t want to see her anymore? His actions are speaking quite a bit louder than his words here. I don’t think it’s very fair of him to sit there telling her how much he cares while shoving her into the limo. Of course DeAnna is just bewildered and she climbs into the limo crying.

On our unexpected second ride of shame DeAnna tells us that she is both hurt and mad. She is frustrated because of all the times he told her that he couldn’t possibly imagine anything better than her, and she would rather that he had just told her he couldn’t picture marrying her. Then DeAnna says, “I’m sick of being that person that makes that guy perfect for the next one.” Yeah, that does suck. I hear you, DeAnna!

Meanwhile the rose is still on its pedestal and Brad sits on the steps to his platform staring at the diamond ring he purchased today on Rodeo Drive. And that is the ridiculous ending to our Bachelor tale.

This is a hard one, guys. I don’t know what to feel because most of the time the couples break up anyway, so it seems stupid for Brad to propose to DeAnna just to break up on TMZ next month. It even seems stupid to keep dating. But no matter how dumb it seems I always feel bad for the girl who gets rejected and this time it was both of them! And I agree with DeAnna that it doesn’t make sense for Brad to repeat over and over how she has everything he’s ever wanted but he’s not interested in ever seeing her again. That part doesn’t make sense at all. If having everything he’s ever wanted isn’t enough, then what is? Let’s find out by taking a look at After the Final Rose!

After the Final Rose

ABC begins by thinking that now would be a good time to remind America that their show actually did work out one time and they are going to prove it by bringing out Trista, Ryan and their baby. I immediately hit fast forward. When those two finally go away, out come Mary and that old guy who was The Bachelor the season they decided to do the middle-aged people and they are still together too. I have no idea how it’s going for them or if they plan to get married because I was laying on the fast forward button. This is all very ill-timed, ABC. We want to know what Brad has to say for himself, not how well Baby Trista is sleeping through the night!!! Who cares??

Ah, here we go. Jenni comes out to talk to Chris and we start with the montage we didn’t see on the finale of Jenni’s entire experience with Brad. Jenni is still emotional, but she tells us that she is glad she told Brad how she felt because otherwise she would always wonder if he would have chosen her if only she had told him. But she’s also sad because it hurts to know that he could break her heart like that so easily.

"I dance every day, Chris."

Chris asks if Jenni feels she was misled and Jenni says that some of the things Brad said to her like, “Just hang in there with me” were quite misleading. We find out that Jenni didn’t know until the finale aired that Brad also sent DeAnna home. She says it was hard for her to watch and she doesn’t understand why Brad didn’t ask DeAnna to try their relationship in real life. The audience claps at this remark. (The cue-card guy must be back.) She says that she gets the feeling that Brad was expecting to quickly fall head over heels in love, but that isn’t how love works. I’m surprised to be saying this, but I totally agree with Jenni! That isn’t how love works. Chris then introduces a montage of Jenni’s grandma whom we met on her hometown date and who has since passed away. Aw, that’s sweet of the show to pay tribute to her like that.

It’s DeAnna’s turn for her solo interview and she comes out all in black, including her fingernails. Mourning? We get to see her montage now as well.

"I never thought I'd get rejected on The Bachelor."

DeAnna is still very hurt about the entire ordeal and she says that she is as confused today as she was the day Brad put her in the limo. She says that when Brad took his little walk around the yard and left her standing on the platform she knew something was terribly wrong. She goes on about how hurt she feels and tells us that she still has very strong feelings for Brad even though she’s still sad and confused. She says that anyone would be lucky to have her or Jenni in their lives (that’s gracious) and she wonders if Brad thinks that something better is going to come along or if he was just confused or what. She points out that in the end Brad told Jenni that something was missing, but with her there was nothing missing – again it doesn’t add up. Basically she reaffirms what I would expect her to and brings up all the questions we all have, so let’s get to Brad and see if he has any answers.

All right, here’s Brad. Or is it Chad? No, they finally decided to lay off the twin thing and just bring out Brad. The audience boos a little – quite the change from the cheering they did when he came out at the Women Tell All. I should point out here that the audience is 99.9% women, which figures. Brad says that he is more disappointed than anyone with the outcome of all this and that his heart was broken too, whether anyone believes it or not. Chris points out that a lot of people don’t believe it, in fact, and want to know how Brad could just walk away. He repeats what he said before about not wanting to make a false promise. Chris wants to know if it would have been false for him to continue seeing DeAnna, whom he supposedly cared so much for. Brad says that DeAnna was everything he ever wanted and he doesn’t know why he didn’t have butterflies. Oh, is that what he was waiting for? Butterflies? What, is he 14 years old? Think of the circumstances Brad. Think about the way you got to know her. There were lots of other girls distracting you the entire time and you barely had a courtship. Maybe butterflies would have come after a few more dates with you focusing on her exclusively. And maybe true adult love is more than butterflies. Chris reveals that the show flew DeAnna’s father out to California for Brad to ask his permission for DeAnna’s hand and wants to know how that makes Brad feel as a man. Brad says that flying DeAnna’s father out and purchasing a ring are signs that he was desperately trying to make it happen all the way up to the last minute. He also says that as he was picking out the ring he had a feeling in his gut that things weren’t right. Chris asks if he felt like a jerk and he says yes. And now for the rumors! Chris asks if Brad is dating and he says no. No he’s not dating, no he doesn’t have children, no he isn’t gay. What, like he’d admit to any of that? Please.

Jenni comes out for her confrontation. As she sits down Brad goes to put his arm around her and then thinks better of it. That’s right. Hands off, Mr. Indecisive. Jenni asks why, with all the feelings Brad claimed to have, did he not at least want to take a chance on someone. Brad thinks it would have made him an even bigger jerk to take a chance on one of them when he had feelings for both of them. The audience groans and shakes their heads. Good job, audience! Jenni maintains that it would not have been misleading to continue seeing one of them, even if he didn’t propose. She says she lost a little respect for Brad and wonders why he said all the things he did. He keeps chalking it up to being torn between both of them. He says he can’t explain why he didn’t fall in love. Um, I can. Because real love takes time and he was in a completely artificial situation. But does he say that? No. He just keeps weaseling around it. Chris is cracking me up by continuing to ask Jenni provocative questions like, “Do you find it hard to believe what he’s saying when in fact what he did was walk away?”

"Isn't it true, Jenni, that Brad is a piece of crap?"

Brad leaps in and says that he showed both women the utmost respect by walking away. Oh Brad, who do you think you are kidding? You are no hero, so keep patting yourself on the back because no one else is going to. Jenni wonders if Brad is still alone because he pushes love away, but she hopes that he finds happiness. Thanks Jenni, you’re excused.

And here comes DeAnna, back in black. Brad gives her a hesitant hug and they sit down for the next round of questions. DeAnna says that her biggest question is how Brad could have two girls and not choose one. He says not to hold it against him that there were two women and believe it or not, it was the hardest thing he ever did to tell her that they couldn’t continue on with their relationship. Brad keeps insisting that he tried right up until the last second to make things work – especially when DeAnna reminds him that he told her that Saturday would be a good day, referring to the Saturday of the Final Rose.

"Please get your hand off my knee."

Brad says it’s just that “something” wasn’t there. DeAnna wants to know how Brad can look at her and tell her that she has everything he’s ever wanted and then let her walk out of his life. She doesn’t understand what he’s scared of. Brad says he doesn’t understand either and he’s not perfect. Typical guy answer – no explanation. He says she deserves more, which is another typical answer I’ve heard guys say, both to myself and to friends. It makes me wonder why guys aren’t inspired to be more when they find someone who they think deserves more. How about questioning what you can bring to a relationship and what you can do to make DeAnna’s life better instead of standing around waiting for butterflies? It’s not all about what you can get from her Brad – especially when you’re thinking long term. Try thinking about what you can give. That’s what a real man would do.

Chris asks again why Brad couldn’t just agree to continue dating DeAnna and Brad again talks about her deserving more – meaning a guy who would look her in the eye and tell her how in love with her he is and that he wants her to have his children. Well, yes she does deserve that, but after like four group dates and two single dates? Come on. Only an idiot would say all that and think he could really mean it that soon. Chris asks if Brad is making excuses and Brad says no because he believes in the idea of over-the-top romantic love and he came into these absurd circumstances hoping to find it. Well, that’s his first mistake and his second is that he’ll never find love if he dismisses everyone who doesn’t make him 100% certain in the first five minutes of knowing them. DeAnna again says that nothing along the way prepared her for what would happen at the Final Rose Ceremony and Brad again says that he’s just as heartbroken as she is. Bull. If that were true he’d be willing to put in just a little more effort. Chris observes that there are still a lot of feelings between Brad and DeAnna and asks Brad if this is accurate. Brad says he still thinks about DeAnna every day and DeAnna starts getting upset, wanting to know what he means by that.

This really sucks.

She wants to know if he’s still willing to let her walk away after thinking about her every single day for the last two and a half months. But despite Brad’s supposedly broken heart and not being able to get DeAnna out of his mind he is very confident in his decision. He wishes they could have an incredible moment and realize everything will be okay, but they can’t. Again, that sounds so naïve to me. He’s looking for an incredible moment? An incredible moment is something you have to work on and wait for, not just something that the love fairy delivers because you want it. DeAnna says that nothing makes sense and Brad says “Fair enough.” He’s done explaining himself. DeAnna is quite upset and says she’s thought about Brad every day as well, but it’s been in the hopes that she would see him today and he wouldn’t let her walk away a second time because there won’t be another chance after this. Brad just says again that he can’t apologize for not falling in love. Okay, fine. Can you apologize for having unrealistic expectations and refusing to entertain anything that might actually make sense – like real-life dating? What’s that you say? You took the high road? You’re a fantabulous nice guy? You’re a self-made millionaire?

Brad hugs DeAnna on their way off stage and whispers that he’ll miss her more than she’ll ever know. She tells him to please not say that to her right now. Yeah, knock it off, Brad. You’ve said enough. DeAnna leaves obviously still greatly distressed and Brad plops back down on the couch, satisfied in the knowledge that he is a southern gentleman. Chris asks what is next for Brad Womack and he tells us it’s back to the old Dizzy Rooster. Well, congratulations to him.

"I did what I came here to do."

So that’s it. I’m not impressed with Brad’s explanation. I understand it, but I’m not impressed. It’s not that I believe he should have proposed or even kept dating when there were no feelings there, it’s that he insisted time and again that there were feelings there, just not fairy dust and fireworks. Just not the amazing lightning bolt he was waiting for. It sounds to me like he thinks love doesn’t require effort, and it does. Initial attraction doesn’t require effort, but anything beyond that takes both sides being willing to sacrifice and work hard. I guess in the end it’s better for DeAnna that he let her go because obviously he’s not willing to fight for her or even work for her, and he’s right. She deserves much better. I guess I just think it’s sad that he refuses to try to be any better and would prefer to just sit back and let it all go.

I must admit that I feel silly getting this impassioned over the stupid Bachelor. It’s so ludicrous and so unrealistic to think that something real can come of this process – despite Trista and Ryan and their baby. It just upsets me when I see a guy refusing to lift a finger towards his own happiness and then blaming fate or destiny. But that is only my small humble opinion, and I want to hear yours! I know there are many ways to look at this and mine shouldn’t be the only one posted on this blog. Let’s hear it!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

The Women Tell... Not That Much

11 of 25 Women and we actually speak to 5.

Here we are at The Bachelor: The Women Tell All. I’m not really sure why they do this except to stretch the season out a little bit longer. Seriously, it should be called The Women Tell Nothing. It’s basically a bunch of replaying stuff we’ve already seen and then the women answering planted questions that no one cares about. There are a couple of new things tonight, and Chad is back, which is sure to be lame, so let’s see what happens, shall we?

The first thing I notice is that someone has spent an awfully long time making Bettina’s hair look nice. It usually looks so thin and fried, but tonight it actually looks soft and nice. Miracles do happen!

The ABC hair team deserves an Emmy nod.

Also, Hillary is continuing her habit of matching her eye shadow to her dress. The night of her hysterical fit it was white and tonight it’s purple. Who told her this is a good idea?

The ABC makeup team does not deserve an Emmy nod.

Chris begins by asking about the girls’ first impressions of Brad and of course, they thought he was amazing and Hillary thinks he’s hotter than David Beckham. Thumbs down, Hillary. David Beckham is phenomenally successful and has a British accent. There is just no contest.

Now we are treated to a montage of the girls talking crap behind each other’s backs and the main star of this scene is Hillary. She has a little something to say about everybody, including that McCarten (or McNasty as Hillary calls her) smells like a fish taco. What? That is so disgusting and random. A fish taco? Geez Hillary, don’t worry about acting dignified or anything. After the montage Jade says that she only had a problem with DeAnna and Milk Carton (thanks for the nickname, BlahBlah!), and Milk Carton claims that this is just because she and DeAnna were forward while the rest of the girls talked behind people’s backs. Oh yes, Milk Carton, it is so noble to be a giant biznatch right to people’s faces, good for you! Brad was so lucky to get to choose between all of you. Sarah wonders why everyone couldn’t just be friends, but of course, that is completely out of the question.

Next Hillary is confronted about calling Divorced Bettina a used car and her defense is that she was just being witty. First of all, that remark was so not original or witty, and secondly, I still say Hillary is going to have to eat those words someday because she is the type I can see getting married over and over again. Milk Carton thinks it would have been okay if only Hillary had said it directly to Bettina’s face. That’s enough from you, Milk Carton. Bettina just sits there looking a little lost, as usual.

"I just wish she would have called me a fish taco to my face."

Still sticking with Hillary and her matching eye shadow, Chris calls her up to come sit next to him while we relive her tormented exit. Chris credits the hysteria to Hillary’s strong emotions for Brad instead of the insanity it actually was, and Hillary says that when she falls it is genuine. Chris wants her to take us back to that night and tell us how she really felt. Uh, Chris? Hillary didn’t hide how she really felt, and we all saw it splattered all over our televisions screens. There’s nothing more to discover here.

"What was I actually feeling at that moment?"

Chris also wants to know how Hillary could be so dumb as to not pick up on all of Brad’s indications that they were just friends. Again Chris, she’s crazy. There is simply no more explanation. Chris suggests that Brad could have hired a sky writer to put “Hillary, we’re friends” in the sky and Hillary says, “They should have did that.” Okay, I’m done with Hillary.

Bettina is up next since she is the most recent reject and also, I’m sure, because of her controversial hometown date. First is a montage of her boring “journey” with Brad and then Chris asks her about the time when Sheena got diamond earrings and Bettina complained that her date with Brad was so boring. Oh that’s right – the unforgivable sin, daring to suggest that anything involving Brad wasn’t the highlight of her life. Bettina says she doesn’t know what to say about that and she was mostly just referring to the fact that some of the dates were so over the top. Seriously, that was such a stupid “scandal.” They were really digging to make such a big deal about that. Chris asks Bettina if she and Brad got a chance to patch things up in Cabo after her rocky hometown date and Bettina takes this opportunity to tell us how she feels about her hometown date now that all is said and done and she’s looking back on it.

"Now wait, is that me up there?"

First she says she’s surprised she got a rose at all after seeing the hometown date episode and then she says that watching the episode turned her off a little to Brad because of the defensive way he reacted to her family. Interesting! So now that she’s rejected she has an entirely different take on everything – well that’s understandable. I still stand by my original impulse to appreciate Bettina’s family for daring to have a less-than-perfect opinion of Brad, but of course, the other rejects get all wide-eyed and scandalized when Bettina says all this and the audience lets out a gasp. (Thanks, Mr. Cue-Card-Holder!) The producers even put a little picture-in-picture of Brad listening to Bettina saying this just in case he makes a face or something. Oh brother.

Brad tries not to be defensive.

Some girl in the audience gets up to ask the question that was handed to her on her way into the studio. She asks Hillary if she was upset watching Bettina’s hometown date since she wanted so badly for Brad to meet her family. Hillary very predictably says that her family would have been very welcoming and nonjudgmental. They would have only cared about Brad’s heart and personality. This from the girl who was worried that her dad wouldn’t be proud of her after being rejected by the Bachelor.

Some other girl gets up to ask another prearranged question and she asks Bettina if it was uncomfortable to be intimate with Brad knowing that he had overnight dates with two other girls as well. Bettina’s like, “Yes.” Well, that was illuminating! Bettina is excused.

Sheena, a crowd favorite, gets her turn in the hot seat. Her montage highlights the fact that she was able to quickly spot Chad as an intruder when he impersonated Brad. Chris wants to know what it felt like the moment Sheena was rejected. Well, Chris, it sucked. What else can she say? Stupid question. Wow, now Sheena gets a round of applause for pointing out that her fall down the stairs proved she is a real person. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – falling down the stairs on TV is the new ticket to celebrity. Just ask Whitney from “The Hills.”

"Come on, bro. This will be so funny... again!"

The producers have decided to take one final opportunity to pound the identical twin thing right into the ground – unless Chad comes out again at the Final Rose Ceremony just to be cruel. Chris introduces Brad and a clean-shaven Chad comes walking out, looking nothing like Brad and fooling only Lindsey, Sarah and Milk Carton. They don’t figure it out until Sheena says she’s not falling for that again. After reliving via a montage the grand switcheroo, Chad gushes all over about how absolutely wonderful Sheena is and kicks himself for already being married. Sheena kicks him too. Next Sarah, Lindsey and Milk Carton try to defend themselves for not being able to tell that Chad wasn’t Brad, but there is no real defense besides the fact that they are idiots.

At last it’s time for Brad to come out and stammer all over the place about why he did what he did. The audience screams bloody murder as he walks onto the stage. Apparently they are not going off of personality here. Brad tells us that being The Bachelor has been the best time of his life and I am just so happy for him. The girls have some questions, though, and Hillary is first. She wants to know why Brad couldn’t have been more blunt about just liking her as a friend. Oh Hillary, you know that he is given strict guidelines about what he is allowed to say, geez. He tried to tip you off, you just weren’t interested in hearing it. Brad says that he loves Hillary to death and he thinks the world of her, isn’t that just precious? Bettina has a question and she wants to know “why the heck” Brad gave her a rose after feeling so judged by her family. Brad says that for the record he thought Bettina’s family were very nice people (lies!), but it was about him and Bettina, not him and Bettina’s family. It took the overnight date in Cabo to figure out that he didn’t really know anything about Bettina. Huh?

Chris introduces yet another montage – this time of the girls all behaving wildly. Of course, Solisa the Christian is featured with her conflicting proclamations and behaviors, and also Hillary’s dirty little speech by the pool that we all need no reminder of. She giggles all through that, clearly thinking that this is endearing instead of revolting. Brad jokes that he wants to give Hillary one of the roses sitting on the table there. Still happy with your overnight choices there, big boy?

Brad rethinks the "friend card."

Chris admits that Brad can’t divulge the results of the Final Rose Ceremony, but wants to know if Brad is happy. Of course he is overjoyed. He has no regrets because he followed his heart and the audience cheers. Are we done here? Not yet. Chris tells us that he needs our help in selecting the next Bachelor. Ew, I don’t know anyone creepy enough to be willing to do it, do you? Some of the rejects from this season and former seasons appear to tell us what qualities the “perfect” Bachelor should have. A lot of these are the same clips from last season when they did this, but a couple of the girls from this season give their opinions. Hillary says he should have nice hands and big feet. Yes, crucial. Bettina says he should be hot and well educated and I almost fall onto the floor laughing. Color me entertained. Way to get the last word, Bettina!

Finally Chris wants us to take a closer look at Jenni and DeAnna, the final two women. I’d rather not. I’ve been carefully inspecting them over the last few weeks and I’m sure we’ll see montage after montage of both of them next week as Brad makes his big bad final decision. Each reject says whom she thinks Brad will choose and it is pretty much split down the middle. We’ll find out soon enough!

Next week the girls meet Brad’s family who I’m sure will have no helpful advice, and then Brad shops for a ring. It’s almost here!

So what did you think about The Women Tell Nothing?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta