LAMEguna Beach

I’m really disappointed that it’s come to this, but I think I have to throw in the Laguna Beach towel. Seriously, we have already had two complete episodes and they were both identical. Someone had a party. In the first segment, different people talk about going to the party. In the second segment, the party. In the third segment, different people talk about having gone to the party. This show may have seen its hey-day and is now shamefully wearing out its welcome (à la Friends). The two main villainesses are so obviously aware of their television roles and are playing up the bitch angle to a completely non-believable degree. They aren’t like Kristin, who was spunky but also cunning and ruthless. They simply have no point in existing. For further recaps after this one, please see TVgasm, whose brilliant writer, B-Side, continues to squeeze out substantial (and hilarious) episode summaries like he’s squeezing moisture from a rock.

Tonight’s episode is entitled “Who Wants to Date a Rock Star?” Whatever. Here goes:

Tessa and Raquel (Rocky) are sitting around discussing that it’s Tessa’s birthday tomorrow. Tessa likes Chase (played by Seth Green ha ha ha), but who wants to date a rock star? Ah, the title! Any reason to watch further? It turns out, no, but I’ll tell you what happens anyway. After the opening credits, Rocky is on the phone with Chase the Rock Star discussing Tessa’s upcoming surprise party that will “rage” according to Chase. Rocky tricks Tessa into thinking that just a couple of people, not including Chase, are coming over to Rocky’s house to celebrate.

Elsewhere, Kyndra is getting ready for what she explains is not a date. Her mom looks on. I’ll quote here what darling B-Side said about Kyndra’s name. He correctly notes that it is “pronounced Kendra, but spelled like IDIOT.” See what I mean?

On another mommy-daughter date over fruit, Jessica’s aged twin, aka her mom, berates her for not being more like Kristin. #1 – Jessica, what are you still doing here? #2 – Jessica’s mom, don’t you know that Kristin is a skanky ho? Please do not encourage this behavior.

Now to Kyndra on her non-date with Gay Cameron (also the object of Jessica’s affection, but obviously in love with Rock Star Chase. Who wants to date a rock star? Cameron!). They discuss almost nothing, but mention how much fun Kyndra’s barbecue was. This was the party that was the center of episode 1.

Next comes a scene I swear I already saw, perhaps on MTV’s Laguna Beach season sneak preview? Rock Star Chase and Tessa discuss Chase’s band, or as I call it, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING over coffee. Good thing MTV rolled this scene out on two different broadcasts for our immense pleasure.

Back from commercial, we head over to Rocky’s kitchen where Rocky, Chase, and a bunch of moms (what is this, the Mother’s Day episode?) sit around talking about – what else – Tessa’s surprise party! It will be raging, according to Chase.

Down the street, Kyndra and Cami lie out in the shade and talk about – you guessed it – Tessa’s surprise party. It is so lame, they can’t even believe they are lowering themselves to attend. Kyndra is only going to see Cameron, and Cami is only going to trail Kyndra. Cha!

Now for the long awaited party. Kyndra talks crap about EVERYTHING except to tell Cameron that he looks cute. Surprise! Tessa comes in to her huge surprise and Chase’s band begins to rage. Cameron drools when Chase takes his shirt off. Kyndra has had enough of this lameness and takes off!

Back from commercial, it’s the next day and Rocky and Tessa are making cookies for Chase’s band and talking about… the party. Tessa was like, so surprised.

Over to some billiards establishment, where Chase and his band mates play pool and talk about... the party. It raged.

Kyndra and Cami sit at the car wash and talk crap about... the party. It was super-stupid. The funnest part was leaving. And Rocky is so trashy and tacky.

FINALLY, Tessa and Chase have dinner together and talk about... the party. Chase says it raged. Chase gets a phone call and has to leave abruptly for a “band emergency.” Mercifully this is the end.

Previews for next week show Kyndra and Cami... going to a party.

This is Honey Gangsta for Laguna Beach, SIGNING OFF!

P.S. For good high school reality drama, please see my recap of the fabulous new MTV show, “Two-A-Days.”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

'Laguna Beach' Star Talan Torriero Prepping An Album
Oh dear, no no no. This is too much. Too funny. Talan is now a singer? Let me share with you some choice quotes.

"I'm supposed to be [discreet] about it, so I can't tell you what label I'm with, but it's a really big label push," said Torriero, who was sporting longer, darker locks to go hand-in-hand with his new rock-star image.

"I like turning heads. I don't like to do the normal thing," he said. Then he went on to cite his totally un-normal, head-turning inspirations: My Chemical Romance and Green Day.

As if this weren't enough, he is also pursuing an acting career! Please revive me because I've just fainted from shock. Someone from Laguna Beach is trying to parlay their tv time into an acting career? Never! He says that he's been acting since he was little, so Laguna Beach has just helped to get his face out there. Now he is getting ready for: a potential horror flick with former WWF wrestler Diamond Dallas Page. Sounds like an Oscar contender to me!

Next time I see him at Shelter I will ask him if he uses Stanislovsky method acting, or if he just holds his head in the toilet until all of his emotions burst forth.

Please don't disturb the delicate singer/actor, or shall we just say "artist." He is busy sunning himself to get ready for his trip to the Florida Keys.

Quote of the day: "I like turning heads. I don't like to do the normal thing,"
3 cheers for Talan for pushing the edge of the envelope and breaking down all the barriers!

The Shallow Pool Gets Shallower

I LOVE Laguna Beach this season...before I begin my rant, I have to point out something, that I am going to need your feedback on.

Have you ever noticed that whenever they're on the beach as a group, and someone comes to meet them there (i.e. the bonfire where Jason and Alex were kissing infront of Jessica) the person is coming from the direction of the water!? I always get so confused about this - it would seem that they come from the parking lot or the sidewalk, but no, they come from the direction of the water. It's as is they live like mermaids but when emerging from the ocean, they're dry. It blows me away.

Ok, so I just saw this week's episode - one note about last week's episode - was it just me or did you notice that in Cabo they did the same thing as in Laguna - lay on the beach. Uh, ok. What's the point? Oh right - the legal drinking age (which Kristin has been doing pretty much in every episode).

So the true Jessica comes out! The second Kristin is not around she totally trash talks her, and to her mortal enemy no less. It was really funny, cause it seemed like it was a bit of a recruiting effort to get Jessica on their side by delicately planting ideas in her head, except Jessica was already bulldozing all over her "friend." Those Playa Haters!

LC sucks, she's so horrible. And boring, and LAME, and if I never saw her on this show again, I wouldn't even notice.

I have to say, I really like the blonde Alex, I think she's way cute and is easy going. Dumb, but she a bit charming.

Laguna Beach Cat Fight - Meeooww!

Okay, so I must say that I was delighted to see the cat fight between Alex and Jessica happen at about 10:15 instead of 10:27 on last night's show. It was highly satisfying. Jessica is a huge annoying bitch and I can't believe anyone wants to spend any time with her. She is no fun at all.

On the other hand, I really don't see where Alex gets off being so pissed at her. She keeps throwing around this "code" that girls just don't do that to other girls - making out with each other's boyfriends, etc. I'm sorry, but who very recently took another girl's boyfriend to Formal? Who very recently swooped right in and snatched another girl's boyfriend 37 seconds after they broke up? Let's see: her name starts with A and rhymes with Schmalex. Could this be the ho calling the hooker slutty? I think so.

I also LOVE how Jason is totally innocent in the whole scenario. Yes, Jessica must have taken filthy advantage of him. Then when Alex is all sweetly asking him if they can talk and without dropping the basketball or looking at her, he mutters, "About what?" Sexy. What a charming guy. I hope I get to date him next.

The plaid pants skater guy

You know, I think that Talon's friend, the plaid pants skater guy, really is the only one who has this figured out. He has come to the conclusion that girls only want you until you're hooked, then they are on to the next challenge. Wow. A brain in Laguna Beach? It took until the second half of senior year to figure out Kristin's game?
I don't think Talon was convinced anyway.
Poor Talon. He only wants what he can't have. He just can't figure out why hooking up with EVERYONE hasn't produced him a girlfriend yet. He only loves Taylor because she is perfect and no one compares to her. And he only loves Kristin because she'll show him her hmm hmm and then act like she hates him. Poor, poor Talon. Poor Eagle Claw.
The pathetic award this week has been taken from LC to be awarded to Jessica, who hasn't actually seen Jason's semen on Alex's face, so she doesn't believe that he's cheating.

Laguna Beach - 8/15/05

Yes, Kristin is pure evil. And now we find out she's also slutty - and damn proud of it. It boggles the brain that they are in fact, real people. I'd hate to see any of these bafoons outside of Laguna Beach and see how they fall to pieces.