Deep Thoughts on The Second Coming of Brad

Grab your ankles, Brad!

Welcome back to The Bachelor! I’m so used to dissecting this show that I couldn’t sit and watch without writing down some notes. I can’t recap the two hour episodes each agonizing segment at a time, so I’m just going to present my general thoughts on what happened and leave the rest open to discussion. Shall we?

First off, an intro to The Second Coming of Brad (and his giant cross tattoo). While Brad is boobing over all the bloggers calling him selfish, I beam proudly. I was one of those bloggers! I was one of those who thought he acted like a huge jerk! I wonder if Brad read my posts about him and if it was something I said that prompted him to go to therapy. I wonder if I’m on the pie chart! I can only hope. While we’re on the subject, here are some examples of what I actually said:

This is a hard one, guys. I don’t know what to feel because most of the time the couples break up anyway, so it seems stupid for Brad to propose to DeAnna just to break up on TMZ next month. It even seems stupid to keep dating. But no matter how dumb it seems I always feel bad for the girl who gets rejected and this time it was both of them! And I agree with DeAnna that it doesn’t make sense for Brad to repeat over and over how she has everything he’s ever wanted but he’s not interested in ever seeing her again. That part doesn’t make sense at all. If having everything he’s ever wanted isn’t enough, then what is?

Brad says it’s just that “something” wasn’t there. DeAnna wants to know how Brad can look at her and tell her that she has everything he’s ever wanted and then let her walk out of his life. She doesn’t understand what he’s scared of. Brad says he doesn’t understand either and he’s not perfect. Typical guy answer – no explanation. He says she deserves more, which is another typical answer I’ve heard guys say, both to myself and to friends. It makes me wonder why guys aren’t inspired to be more when they find someone who they think deserves more. How about questioning what you can bring to a relationship and what you can do to make DeAnna’s life better instead of standing around waiting for butterflies?

So that’s it. I’m not impressed with Brad’s explanation. I understand it, but I’m not impressed. It’s not that I believe he should have proposed or even kept dating when there were no feelings there, it’s that he insisted time and again that there were feelings there, just not fairy dust and fireworks. Just not the amazing lightning bolt he was waiting for.

All this was, of course, before we got to know DeAnna better and realize she’s a huge biz-natch. Then she went and gave HER final rose to someone who was all wrong for her and broke up with him, too. I guess I just thought Brad weenied out at the end by not picking someone. Instead of picking someone then weenie-ing out behind our backs. Either way, Brad is back and he’s a broken man.

Deep Thoughts on Episode 1

• Brad seems to think that if he does indeed present himself as a broken man, then all should be forgiven. In other words, he’s going to play up the “broken man” bit.
• Brad’s therapist shows up to give a sound byte just to put the glow of legitimacy on everything. He should have his license stripped.
• Ashley is a southern belle nanny who lives in New York City. She tells all about how her dad died so she knows what love is, which I find to be a very manipulative introduction.
• Michelle from Salt Lake City cuts hair and has a child. From what I’ve observed of the dating scene in SLC, she shouldn’t even be here. Girls who cut hair in SLC have no trouble getting men. The child is a bonus. She makes men feel very smart and needed. My husband claims to know Michelle because he used to date a girl who cuts hair and therefore “runs in those circles.” See what I mean?
• Madison is a vampire.
• Emily shares that she has a very special love story. Stop right there. If you have a very special love story then why are you here? You don’t get TWO very special love stories. Anyway, her fiance died in a plane crash while she was pregnant with his baby.
• Supposedly the girls don’t know who the Bachelor is going to be. PUH-LEASE. If any of them leave I’ll believe it. And not leave because they’re mad, but because they recognize this is as the gimmick that it is and decide it’s not worth their time.
• Chris Harrison wants to chat of course. He says that Brad must really believe in THIS to be coming back for more. He believes in this process so much that even though it totally failed the first time around, he wants to try it again.
• Brad tells us he’s a better man now because of his therapy. And PS he was abandoned by his father when he was little, so that should clear everything up.
• Brad would like to tell Jenni and DeAnna, “I get it. I’m sorry.” They’re HERE!
• Jenni giggles and DeAnna still looks pissed off from three years ago. Isn’t she engaged now? Time to move on, crazy.
• DeAnna STILL resents putting herself out there just to get rejected. I bet Jesse Csincsak does too, DeAnna. Shut up.
• Jenni thinks the girls’ guards will all be up since Brad hurt people in the past. Don’t ALL Bachelors hurt people? Like every girl on the show but the last one? Then they hurt her too?
• Both girls hope Brad can find what THEY’VE found, and DeAnna is especially vehement. This makes me want to call up an ex boyfriend to have it out and then taunt him with my wedding pictures. Are you sorry now? ARE YOU?????
• Brad fears rejection and Chris tells him not to screw it up.
• The girls in the limo know Brad’s entire name before the limo stops. Nice mystery.
• The first girl slaps him (as seen in previews), which, PLEASE. So planned! Brad’s like, “Ha, ha. I deserved that. Shucks.” Broken man.
• Most of the girls shake the proverbial finger at Brad for “what he did.”
• Brad wants to apologize and “explain himself” to everyone. What he should do is flip off everyone, including ABC, and get on with his life.
• Brad “loves” many of the girls.
• Madison has actual FANGS. Uh, Twilight much?
• One thing we need to know: Brad has changed! People change! I’ve CHANGED!!
• One girl makes Brad kneel down and propose. That’s not desperate or anything.
• Jill jumps out of the limo and starts off by saying she’s ready to get married. Guys love that.
• There is a girl named J.
• Keltie is a Rockette and high kicks her way out of the limo. I totally thought she was a stripper.
• Britt is a food writer who looks like she’s never taken a bite of anything in her life.
• Brad gives a Big Speech to all the girls, promising not to hurt anyone this time. Anyone? Even if he does exactly what they want, the best case scenario is that he hurts EVERYONE but one girl.
• The girls all babble about wanting to be sure Brad will choose someone so they won’t get screwed. Ladies, you’re all getting screwed.
• Brad is an absolute mess. Does he flog himself before bed every night? This is embarrassing.
• The moral of this episode is: Give Brad a chance, m’kay? GIVE HIM A CHANCE!

What are YOUR deep thoughts on The Second Coming?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

The Bachelor - Brad's Second Coming

The Second Coming of...Brad the Bachelor!

I usually look forward to each season of the bachelor, even though they are awful, and predictable and generally vomit inducing. But I am extra super duper excited about Brad coming back. Brad, as you’ll recall, caused the smorgasbord of the past 5 bachelors and bachelorettes. Every time Jake whimpered tears over Wes, I blamed Brad. Every time DeAnna bitched out the guys for not fawning over her, I blamed Brad. Every time Ali grated my nerves with her nervous giggling, I blamed Brad. But Brad was also my favorite of all of the Bachelors, so it has been a confusing 3 years for me, as you can imagine. I’m excited and thankful that he’s back, and will prove that he’s just as much of a moron as the rest of them, and I can finally move on.

In “getting to know Brad” on the ABC website, we are treated to the glorification of his career: “at 19, [Brad] left Texas State University after one year of college to work in oil fields across the country to save up money. His eight-year odyssey took him all over Texas and then to Louisiana, North Dakota and California. (A real live world traveler!) After working diligently in the oil fields, he got into bar-tending with his twin brother, Chad. Some eight months of tending bar later, he had enough money saved to finance the purchase of his first drinking establishment with his brothers in 2001, when he was just 28.”

On one of the hometown dates in his first time around, one of the parents didn’t approve of his lack of college degree, and owning a ‘drinking establishment,’ where he had to stay late at nights, counting cash transactions.

It also says on the ABC website that he had commitment issues, with his father leaving the family, and has received intense therapy over the last 3 years. Both of his brothers are married and have kids, so no therapy needed there.

I’ll be quoting old Honey Gangsta recaps as I would assume this season will be identical to the original, with a couple of slaps in Brad’s face. I’ll start with this introduction: “In a compassionate attempt to revive my faith in destiny, ABC is presenting an 11th brand new Bachelor for us starting September 24th. Take a deep breath and prepare to meet… Brad Womack. He owns a bar.” Ha! Brilliant!

The extremely funny and brilliant Honey Gangsta maybe adding her thoughts now and then on this season of The Bachelor. I’m sorry to say,though, not even the second coming of Brad could revive her faith in destiny no more, and won't be fully recapping it. But, Brad got a second chance, maybe we will too! Are you listening HG?

Let’s dive in. Chris Harrison comes out and announces that this is already the most shocking season of the Bachelor. We haven’t even started!!! Good grief.

We get a little montage of Brad not wearing a shirt on the streets of Austin, not wearing a shirt at the gym, not wearing a shirt at doggy daycare. He says that all the blogs called him self-righteous, selfish, and immature after he didn't pick that nightmare DeAnna. And he has a pie Chart to show it:

The Analytics of Being Selfish

We then hear him really open up: “I don’t want to have any regrets, I want to move forward, I want to prove to everybody, more importantly I want to prove to myself that I’ve changed, I’m a better person." He basically wants to let loose with a litany of clichés.

"The Only Requirement is That She Have Bigger Boobs Than Me"

He gets surprised by Chris who brings out DeAnna and Jenni who are both adorned with giant diamond rings, neither from a pairing on The Bachelor/Bachelorette. And I am way too confused about DeAnna's passionate replies to Chris' "are you buying this new Brad?" She didn't chose too wisely, and ended up with someone else. So why does she care?

DeAnna then wishes Brad can find what she and Jenni have found, and they zoomed in on their giant diamond engagement rings. Weird editing - is this what Brad is back for? A giant diamond engagement ring?

Anyway, a bunch of girls got out of limos, and they were an especially aggressive bunch. I hear that Brad's fiancée is public news, but I can't sift through the verbal vomit on Reality Steve's site, so I'll just let someone tell me. Although, they made it seem in the season pre-view that the girl he picks, doesn't pick him back! Duhn duhn duhn!