Bethenny Ever After: SOLD!

Well here we are at the season finale of Bethenny Ever After. I have mixed emotions about our gal after watching these 11 episodes. She’s really quite a mess, but at least she knows that and (mostly) keeps a sense of humor - at least in hindsight. Let’s see how she wraps things up!

"So I ruined my own birthday party. It happens."

So we’re back on the Skinny Girl tour at our first sold out show. Bethenny explains that she loves hearing women’s reactions to her stories and hearing their stories as well, so in order to have a dialogue she is going on a speaking tour. She walks out on stage to everybody screaming for her and she takes a picture of the audience with her cell phone. That’s cute. The stage is set up exactly like she is there to sit down and have a chat with everyone. There’s a rug and a little table set with flowers, a glass of water, and of course, a Skinny Girl margarita. She sits in a chair next to the table and does her thing - which is to talk about her book.

"Coming from a place of yes... is very complicated. You may not understand."

To us, she says that one of the world’s biggest liquor companies wants to buy Skinny Girl. I learned on WWHL that it’s Jim Beam. To her tour audience she talks about trying to get these liquor companies to take an interest in her Skinny Girl idea a couple of years ago and that none of them were the least bit interested. Yeah, most major corporations won’t take a risk on something that isn’t guaranteed to make them a ton of money. So becoming a reality star and forming her own consumer base of fans, then producing the drink herself was really the only way to get them to take notice. That’s just how big business is. Take note, anyone with a great idea. She talks about being the only woman in this male-driven industry (liquor). She tells her audience that she’s inappropriate and so are they. They love her. She can be very endearing. She spends some time answering questions from the audience, which is a great idea because it makes all these women who have helped to make her a success feel like she cares and that she has a personal connection with them. It looks like a fun show to go to. Or perform at. Maybe I’ll give one of these shows and all of you glorious readers can come ask me questions about being a couch potato. HOLLA!

Later on the tour bus Jason and some of the staff bring pizza. Bethenny wants to wake Dawa up to give her some and she talks about how different Dawa is from Gina. I guess Gina ate whatever she wanted all the time and Dawa never eats anything. Everyone on the bus puts on a snuggie and chills out on the way to Philadelphia. Bethenny has an eye mask that looks like closed sheep eyes and she says that when she puts it on the lambs start screaming. Ha ha ha.

"I better not hear anyone going into the bathroom!"

Well look who’s waiting to greet the Skinny Girl bus in Philadelphia. The Hoppys! They are jumping up and down with excitement to see the bus pull up and they are so congratulatory and ecstatic to see it up close and personal. These people are seriously Bethenny’s biggest fans.

"Bethenny for President!"

They all have lunch and Bob and Carol ask her questions about the show and about the Skinny Girl sale. We learn that Bethenny will maintain a large control over the company even after it’s sold - that’s part of the deal. They’re very excited for her and even more excited to watch Bryn eat. They’re so tickled with Bryn eating food off of Bethenny’s spoon that they get out the camera and start snapping pictures. What cute grandparents.

Backstage at Bethenny’s next show Julie and Jackie the intern are hanging out with Bethenny talking about life on the bus. It seems that Jackie has been so nervous about not being allowed to poop on the bus that her entire digestive track has backed up and she can’t poop anywhere now. Well at least the bus smells nice! Jason’s parents are going to be in the audience tonight and Bethenny brings up how sweet they are and how they love everything. She says that Jason’s dad is always saying that everything is awesome. “That was awesome, you were awesome!”

"Bob just texted me about his awesome new phone."

The next shot is the Hoppys coming into the dressing room and the first thing out of Bob’s mouth? “Bethenny, you are AWESOME!” LOL. Jason’s friend Riccio has come along for the show as well. Bob says the crowd is awesome.

The set up tonight is the same as before, with the homey little set and the casual chatting. Bethenny tells the audience that all the important people in her life are from Pennsylvania. Just then some ushers bring Jason and his parents down the aisles to their seats and the crowd freaks out. Bethenny shares that the new title they’ve settled on for Julie is Coordinator of Chaos, the acronym for which is COC, which she finds highly amusing. You know - I brought my COC, ask my COC, call my COC. Then she goes into one of the “lessons” she has in her book, which is called “break the cycle.” This means making the decision to have the life you want to have, instead of the life you were born into. For example, when Bethenny was pregnant with Bryn, her friend told her she knew Bryn would be a girl because Bethenny was going to break the cycle - the cycle of bad mother/daughter relationships she grew up with. This is great advice for people who had crappy childhoods. You don’t have to have a crappy whole life. And your kids don’t have to have crappy childhoods. I myself had a lovely childhood (thanks to my mother breaking HER cycle), so I hope to continue the cycle instead of break it. During the question and answer section, a girl stands up and asks for advice on how to deal with her new in-laws because she’s really struggling with them. Bethenny tells her that dealing with things you don’t want to deal with is part of life. And these are not the people who raised you so there’s going to be an adjustment period. The girl specifically then asks what Bethenny thinks of the Hoppys - even though they are sitting right there. They’re all cute about it and cover their ears.

Bethenny proceeds to tell the audience how the Hoppys have no boundaries.

Just kidding! To her credit, Bethenny says they’re the kindest people she knows, but when they’re together all the time it’s an adjustment because they’ve all had each other for 40 years and she’s just coming into the picture. And they have to adjust to her life and this crazy career she’s got going. That was some balanced perspective from her about that.

When she walks offstage, Carol is standing there. She grabs Bethenny and hugs her for a long time and tells her how wonderful she was. It makes Bethenny cry. Jason says he likes to see Bethenny’s walls coming down with his parents.

"We're still not coming over for Halloween, though."

She tells us that their relationship is growing and that she loves them. That’s sweet. I really do hope she continues to appreciate them because this is exactly the love she missed out on growing up.

And now the bus is off to Delaware! Jason sits down with Julie and tells her to pretend he’s a reporter and that Bethenny will never hear anything she’s about to say. He wants to know what it’s like working for Bethenny. At first Julie just says, “It is what it is.” Wow, glowing praise! When pressed, she says the hardest part is having to be “on” all the time. She says the first three months of Bethenny’s pregnancy was the very worst. Apparently Bethenny hated everyone during that time. Julie says if Bethenny gets pregnant again she wants a three month sabbatical. Then she says that she recognizes that when Bethenny is freaking out about this or that, it’s really Bethenny’s problem, not hers. That’s true, but such a hard thing to remember when the person who signs your paycheck is making your life miserable. Jason actually high fives her on this one.

"But getting the COC title makes everything worth it!"

See, it’s good that Julie and Jason recognize this, but I have very little patience for people who think everybody should act according to their own emotional whims. I mean people like Bethenny, people who are bosses. We’ve all worked for someone like this, amirite? If they’re having a bad day, everyone pays. It’s not professional. We all have bad days, but the people I’m impressed with are the ones who don’t take it out on those around them and conduct themselves professionally in spite of their emotions. I learned a long time ago that no one is responsible for my emotions except for me and I don’t get to just let them run wild and shrug that everyone else just has to deal with it. And I know this is Bethenny’s own business and she can run it however she chooses. I’m just saying that type of approach doesn’t go far with me. I wouldn’t take Julie’s job for ANYTHING. My sanity means too much to me.

And onto the next show! A few minutes before going onstage Bethenny has to go to the bathroom. She’s not sure if she has enough time, but Jason convinces her to go. She has to go up some stairs and down a hallway and she can’t find it. Eventually she comes across what looks like a little airplane bathroom - it even has one of those awkward folding doors.

Bethenny suddenly remembers joining the mile high club.

I don’t think this lasted very long, but we keep getting shots of the audience making it look like they’re waiting and waiting for her to come out onstage. For this show, she comes from the back of the auditorium and high fives audience members on her way up to the stage.

"Who's ready to be inspired?"

This time we get a snippet of her talking about meeting Jason and how he came up to her and asked her if she was ready to get the stick out of her ass. It also turns out that Jason was on a date that night with a Sports Illustrated model. Huh. She talks about needing to get to a place where you are happy with the idea of always being on your own before you will meet the person you’re going to be with. That’s really hard. I mean, I believe it’s vital to be happy with yourself and know who you are before being in a relationship, but I don’t know that I could have ever gotten to a point where I gave up the idea of falling in love and was just content to be on my own. It’s tough. Anyway, more on that at the Conversation with Honey Gangsta show.

For now it’s back to NYC with the entire Skinny Girl tour. On the bus Jackie the intern brings up that she’d like to be known as the COC in training, now that she’s now longer the intern. Bethenny loves it. As do 12-year-old boys everywhere.

Dr. Amador! How have you been, good sir? Today Bethenny would like to talk about the sale of Skinny Girl. She says that she doesn’t care so much about the money now that she’s so happy with her family. She’s a bit worried about raising Bryn in a very privileged way, seeing how Jason grew up with not much material-wise, but a lot of love. Another thing that’s on her mind is her father, and how he never had as much success as she’s having right now. It makes her happy because he was always trying to best her. She would like for him to be alive so that he could hear about her success and kind of eat his heart out. Oh right. People like that always find some way to diminish whatever it is that happens to others. Her dad doesn’t sound like the type who would ever congratulate her - he would find a bunch of reasons why whatever she’s doing is flawed. Dr. Amador reminds Bethenny that this is also her finally feeling like she’s worthy of her dad’s love. Yes, but again, the problem with people like her dad is THEY never let you feel like you are worthy. No matter what you do.

Later Jason and Bethenny are taking a walk in the snow and Bethenny wonders if there will be an email when they get home regarding the Skinny Girl sale. She asks if the deal is final, will they run off and celebrate right away? Jason, ever the levelheaded one, says not to consider the deal done until the money is in the bank. Then he pulls out his cell phone to see if there’s an email.

"Guess what, mommy."

There is! But he won’t read it to her. He just says that the subject is “final offer.” Bethenny gets out her phone and Jason won’t let her look. He says they have to go home and pull it up on the computer. She keeps wanting to look or call someone and he won’t let her.

At home Jason reads the email and tells Bethenny she’s going to be a very rich woman. They never say how much the offer is, but we learned through the media that it was 120 million dollars. Jason is all calm, telling Bethenny that this will allow her to be selective and do what she wants. We get a couple of flashbacks to early RHONY episodes where Bethenny was in the infant stages of this enormous venture. We see the Countess condescending to her very first Skinny Girl margarita, among other things. Now Bethenny is in tears thinking about how much has happened in the last year. Nothing is the same as it was a year ago. And now she wants to take a deep breath.

...If she can stop crying long enough.

Jason mentions the little girl in the other room and how she has no idea about any of this. But what a story to tell her when she’s old enough. They won’t even have to tell her, Dawa can just play her the dvd’s.

Jason has one more thing for Bethenny. He walks out with a flat rectangular box and Bethenny says he’s acting like he’s about to show her the crown jewels.

"You look like you could use what's in this box..."

It does look like he’s going to present her with diamonds or something, but when she opens it, it’s their wedding album. Oh my gosh, that is so sweet! We just got our wedding album last month. I swear it feels like they have to be ordered from Mars, that’s how long it takes to get them. But I could stare at that thing for hours, just remembering the emotions of the day and seeing them so plainly on our faces. It’s so nice that Jason handed her that book just now, as if reminding her that their family is more important than anything else, and it’s beautiful and simple. Bethenny says that getting through a year of marriage isn’t easy, and anyone who tells you it is easy is full of it because it’s a lot of work. I can only speak for my own new marriage, but this last year has been one of the simplest, easiest ones of my life. Without making you barf, I’ll just say that having my favorite person around all the time has been very comforting and lovely. We don’t have a baby, though, so it’s a different situation. We are DINKs (dual income, no kids) and it’s fabulous. Anyway, back to the show. They look through their book together and enjoy this moment. It’s a nice way to end the season. Bethenny says, “And they lived happily ever after.” Awwwww.

"Remember when your buddies trashed the Four Seasons? That was funny."

So that’s it! That wraps up our season of watching Bethenny as a newlywed. I really went back and forth on my annoyance level with her through this - mostly proportionate to the number of tantrums she threw. I like that she ended on a high note. What do you guys think?

As always, I love hearing from you guys and your opinions on all of this. My favorite part is inspiring all of you - ha ha ha ha ha! But seriously, I love you guys.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Bethenny Ever After: Butt it's Christmas!

Hey y’all! It’s Christmas time in Bethenny Land and it’s another holiday she has to deliberately make room for in her life. Let’s see how she does!

"So if I bump New Year's and we skip Valentine's Day..."

Ah we’re still in Malibu where some crazy surfer die hard is catching waves in a full wet suit at Christmas time. Julie brings Bryn in to wake Bethenny up and Bethenny has a new product line she’s trying out, which are boy shorts with built-in butt pads to make your butt look perkier. Apparently Jason’s always telling Bethenny she’s too skinny, so she wants to wear these around today and see if he notices.

"I'm suddenly Kim Kardashian."

First though, let’s try them out on Napoleon, who slept on the couch for some odd reason (more screen time?). Maybe it’s another example of Bethenny swallowing whole the people who work for and around her instead of maintaining a normal distance. She even tells us she wants to keep Napoleon because he’s sweet and house trained. So anyway, she stands near the couch holding Bryn, butt to Napoleon, posing, shifting her weight, hand on hip, and finally she asks if he notices anything... like does her butt look bigger? He’s finally like, “Oh yeah, it looks like a skater’s butt.”

"Strangely like my own."

Jason arrives and is completely amazed by the house. And the fact that Napoleon is now a sleepover friend. Bethenny says she’ll give him the tour and immediately starts wagging her butt around. Jason says she looks a little juicier and Bethenny claims it’s from skating. Jason is entranced, thinks it looks great, and can’t stop staring at it. Bethenny keeps bending over to show him stuff. They joke about needing a couple of minutes to talk in private, and finally Bethenny shows Jason that it’s artificial. He’s totally deflated.

Over to the practice rink! They’re getting ready for the finale, and as I learned on YouTube, each team got to pick one of their previous routines to re-perform for the finale and show off how much they’ve improved. Bethenny and Napoleon have chosen their very first routine to recreate with a few more difficult elements added. I have to say again that Bethenny’s gotten really good at this.

"So Napoleon, are you going to work for me when this is over? Are you?"

Next is Christmas tree shopping at a Christmas tree ranch. Naturally Julie and Dawa come along because this is the closest to Christmas they’re going to get. The guy who runs the tree ranch looks like Santa Claus, so Bethenny is all over it and hands Bryn right to him. Bryn doesn’t cry because, well, Bryn never cries.

"Am I getting another nanny?"

Santa hands Jason a hand saw and Jason immediately starts swinging it around and freaking Bethenny out. But they find a tree for the Malibu palace. Then Santa wants to take just Bethenny and Jason on a special pick-up truck tour of the ranch. This has the added benefit, I’m sure, of showing America the greatest Christmas tree ranch in Southern California. There’s this makeshift wooden bench built into the bed of the pick-up truck and Santa just cruises around blissfully while Bethenny, Jason and Cookie are tossed all over the back of the truck. I guess this is why Bryn wasn’t invited.

Cookie's safety wasn't such a concern.

Santa takes a break at the top of a huge hill, and Jason takes the moment to tell Bethenny how much happiness she’s brought to him and his family, and how much he loves her. It’s really sweet and Bethenny cries and says that Jason’s made her so happy too. And now Santa lets loose down the steep hill while Jason practically craps his pants. Chicken.

Later at the palace everyone is trying to get the Christmas tree upright on its stand. It keeps tilting and swaying and this totally reminds me of my (brand new) husband and me putting up our first Christmas tree. It took forever to get it balanced just so, and then he went to bed and for some reason I was still up and sitting on the couch. I happened to look over at the tree and it started falling down on me. I had to jump up and catch it so that it didn’t smash our living room furniture to pieces. The next day we had to go out and get a more complex tree stand to keep it all centered and balanced. We’re still in the romantic phase where having a real tree is much more important than the ease of having a fake tree.

And Bethenny and Jason are all romantic as well, wanting to make Christmas very special for each other and for Bryn. The next thing they do is take Bryn (and the servants) to some sort of Christmas carnival where everyone wears their pajamas. Part of this includes a “ride” on a train to the North Pole. There’s a girl dressed as an elf who will be their tour guide. She brings them milk and cookies and asks if they want to hear a bedtime story. Bethenny is very impressed with this little actress and asks her what she does in the “summertime,” wink, wink.

"It's never summertime in the North Pole."

The elf goes, “We have to build the toys for all the kids! Because we work every single day of the year.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Bethenny’s like, “She ain’t breaking character for nothing... unless she is a real elf.” So then Dot the elf reads ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas to them and Bethenny invites her to come home to New York with them. Just think, Dot the elf, you could give up your own life entirely and dedicate every moment to implementing Bethenny’s!

And later, Bethenny has planned an ugly sweater Christmas party and has gathered ugly sweaters for everyone. Jason’s has some huge gold Christmas tree on the front with actual chains attached for the ornaments.

"Quick, my time allotment for Christmas is almost up!"

Once the help has gone to bed Jason and Bethenny snuggle in front of the fire and Bethenny has once again left an entire spread of food very close to the floor, so Cookie helps herself. Score another one for Cookie! She’d probably like to move to Malibu for the short coffee table alone.

"I love the beach!"

Skating with the Stars finale! We get a couple of snippets of Bethenny’s routine and she tells us again how hard this has been and how much more grueling than she ever expected, but that she committed to herself, her fans and Napoleon. She did great, but the other couple won. And honestly, they were better. Bethenny was awesome, but the other girl was really just better. Apparently she ice skated when she was young. But Bethenny is very gracious to the winners and to Napoleon and is sweet about the whole thing. To us she says Napoleon is the only thing she’ll miss about Skating with the Stars.

And back in NYC, foodie Nick has submitted his first entry for the food blog on Bethenny’s website. She reads it out loud and we get to hear bits from it... and it’s freaking awesome.

"He MUST join the empire."

He’s written it as a descriptive narrative about their trip to the food fair. It reads like a short story and is very well written and entertaining. Bethenny is beyond impressed and immediately calls Nick to insist that he officially becomes her part time employee. He’s all cute and awkward and calls her Ms. Frankel. They make plans to go out to a nice dinner.

Over their nice dinner, Bethenny reminds us of how she didn’t hire Nick to be her assistant. She says she couldn’t picture him carrying her dresses around and coming to all of her stuff with her because really all he cares about is food. And here he is explaining the difference between Cantonese and Mandarin food. Then he asks Bethenny for advice on the fact that his girlfriend just broke up with him. Oh, how sad.

"She didn't like communicating only in writing."

They were together for a year and a half and Nick admits that he was a bit needy in the relationship. Bethenny says she’s been there and it sucks because when you’re needy, the other person pulls away, which in turn makes you more needy. That’s totally true. She tells Nick that he doesn’t strike her as the type who’s going to walk into a bar and pick up chicks, so he should try on-line dating. Especially because he’s such a great writer. But that he needs to be authentic about it. Also, he should concentrate on himself right now, and when he feels like a whole person, that’s when he’ll meet the right girl. That’s really sweet of her, and very good advice. They toast.

Guess what time it is folks. It’s time to start the Skinny Girl Tour! This means the Skinny Girl tour bus and everyone on Bethenny’s payroll is packing into that bus. Bryn gets to wear a cute little track suit for the occasion. It’s freaking adorable.

Same outfit she'll wear in an RV in 70 years.

We meet Jackie, who was an intern for Bethenny who has just graduated from college and is ready to become a full fledged assistant. So she was around all that time that Bethenny was seething over Max? How many people does it take to buy her underwear, for crying out loud? Anyway, we also meet Brian, Bethenny’s agent, who is here with luggage - so he’s coming too. As they step outside paparrazzi are snapping pictures of the beginning of the tour. The first stop is Red Bank, New Jersey.

What would the Countess think, darling? Such self-promotion.

As the bus pulls away, Bethenny tells everyone on the tour that there will be no pooping on the bus. Brian’s like, that’s fine. Everyone else is just quiet. Then I hear a sound I don’t think I’ve ever heard before. Bryn is crying. As Bethenny runs to comfort her, she breaks something. Apparently it’s not a big deal, but Jason tells her it will cost a thousand dollars to fix. Ha.

When we arrive to the first theatre on the tour, Bethenny is thrilled to see her name in lights and to learn that the entire theatre is sold out.

Tomorrow Jill Zarin for a rebuttal.

They do a sound check, get Bethenny into hair and makeup, and meanwhile all these people are arriving for the show and sipping Skinny Girl margaritas in the lobby. It’s very exciting and as Bethenny struts out onto the stage to start the show, we end the episode.

Next week! The tour continues! It looks like we’ll get to see parts of it and hear Bethenny answer questions from the audience. Also, this may be the big Skinny Girl sale. It’s also the season finale. See you then!

Sooo, this episode wasn’t too exciting. Seemed like a lot of filler if you ask me. But at least there were no tantrums or meltdowns, so that’s a plus. What’d you guys think? Still hanging in there with me?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Bethenny Ever After: Malibu is a Place of Yes

Well thankfully Bethenny doesn’t throw any tantrums in this episode, so maybe I can go back to somewhat enjoying sharing her adventures without wanting to pull her hair. Let’s see what she’s up to, shall we?

Bryn's like, "Who's this lady?"

Bethenny and Julie are checking into the Presidential Suite of the Hilton in Short Hills, New Jersey. This hotel is having a Grand Opening of their spa and giving out Bethenny’s book as part of it, so Bethenny is getting the VIP treatment. But as she will be busy signing her book for all of her fans, she tells us she won’t even have time for a massage. In fact, they barely have a moment to take in the room before Bethenny has to get into hair and makeup and head downstairs for the book signing. And Presidential Suite it is. Complete with an electric toilet that comes with front and rear cleansing. Hmmmmm, sounds interesting, but I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about all the other people who have stayed in that room and used it.

Communal bathing of the 21st century.

Bethenny emerges for the signing in a tight purple dress which doesn’t allow for a bra. And here is the ever-faithful Julie, helping Bethenny put a bra on in the hallway then take it off again when it fails to shield her nipples. Ah the life of the personal assistant. Sure enough, when Bethenny gets to posing for photos, she’s pointing right at the camera.

Is it cold out here, or does someone need some petals?

Then she sits down to sign books and bask in her popularity with her fans. She says she enjoys the dialogue with her fans about inspiring one another. Awwwww. I’m more inclined to think nice things when we’ve gone five minutes without a tantrum or complaint.

"So glad I could inspire you today! Buy Skinny Girl!"

And we’re back to the practice rink with Napoleon Dynamite! Bethenny tells us she’s made it all the way through to the finale of Skating with the Stars, so I guess we’re not going to see every round here. No worries! I watched them all on YouTube and can report to you that I was actually very impressed with everything Bethenny learned. To go from hardly being able to skate to the routines she was doing is quite the accomplishment. I DO have to say, though, that she pulled kind of an attitude when the judges critiqued her. The first couple of weeks she just kept announcing that she didn’t care what the judges thought; she was just there to skate for her fans. While that may have been true, it wasn’t exactly a good strategy to talk like that. It came across as very pissy and ungracious. More on that later.

Now Bethenny is telling us how silly her decision was to come on Skating with the Stars because it’s taken so much of her time and energy. But she came from a place of yes! So here she is being lifted and spun by Napoleon and trying to keep herself from emotionally falling to pieces on the ice.

Touchdown! Is that right?

Moving on, Bethenny and Jason are in the process of replacing Gina with an actual nanny to take care of Bryn while they are busy coming from a place of yes to the entire public and media. Bethenny mentions a lady named Dawa who was referred by a friend of the family and the thing that excites Bethenny the most is that Dawa is Tibetan and Indian, implying that she will be very calm and peaceful. Ha ha! By the way, Cookie’s breed is Tibetan, which is another good sign. That actually blows the “calm and peaceful” theory right out of the water.

We have a brief interlude when Jason, Bethenny and Bryn are at a restaurant and Bethenny talks about her upcoming speaking tour. She wants Jason to get an RV (wrapped, of course, in Skinny Girl branding) so that they can drive around as a family during the tour. Apparently Jason no longer has to work, I don’t know. Jason is totally into the idea until Bethenny tells him that she won’t be allowing anyone to poop on the RV. OMG, is she kidding?

"Are you even aware of the male plumbing apparatus?"

Jason’s like, “What’s the bathroom for then?” But nope, Bethenny says that they will find some public restroom to poop in during the entire tour. Jason’s like, whatever. But to us he says that if he has to go on the RV, he will go. I hope he does. Talk about anal retentive.

And here’s Dawa! Apparently she’s hired because she comes in and makes herself at home. Jason and Bethenny bicker for a minute over how to correctly pronounce “Dawa,” then Bethenny gets right in to telling Dawa that she will be the one who needs the most help, being that she’s crazy and likes everything a very certain way.

"You think I'm a psychiatrist? I'm just here to watch the baby."

Dawa just says that Bryn looks sleepy and then follows Bethenny around on a tour of the condo. Bethenny is actually kind of endearing here, showing Dawa where everything is and pointing out that there’s Tylenol in case she (Bethenny) ever talks too much and gives Dawa a headache. Dawa has no questions and says she’ll ask them things as they come up. She seems very sweet and like she knows what she’s doing.

Remember David? Our slacker CEO from Skinny Girl Central? Well, he’s here at the condo to have a sit-down with Jason and tell him that they are now all caught up in distribution and available in 40 states. And they should be in all 50 by summer. Bethenny walks in, saying she’s so glad that sometimes Jason can fill in for her. And with that, she sits right down and starts interrupting. Jason immediately tells her to stop and that he will talk to her about everything later. You go, Jason!

Ah, back to another domestic scene with Dawa. Bethenny is sitting on the couch with wet hair holding Bryn and Dawa asks if Bethenny would like her hair done. It turns out that Dawa was a hairdresser in India. Bethenny is elated. If Dawa is smart she will charge extra for doing hair because you know Bethenny pays big bucks for people to come in with hot rollers. Julie is summoned to hear the good news and we learn that Dawa can not just blow out, but also cut and color. Ask for a raise now, Dawa! And as Dawa blow dries Bethenny’s hair, she and Julie further discuss the idea of the Skinny Girl tour bus and how Bryn will be properly restrained while driving around.

"Can't I just hold her like this while I drive? Britney did it."

Jason and Bethenny go out to dinner again. For all of Bethenny’s complaining, these two seem to have their fair share of date nights. Like several an episode. They discuss Dawa and Bethenny says she’s “nanorexic” because she’s too terrified to eat. That’s pretty funny. Bethenny also wants to know why Skinny Girl is only in 40 out of 50 states. This is when last year they were in 13. Jason tells her to chill out and enjoy the moment. We learn that several large companies are interested in buying Skinny Girl. Ironically these are companies Bethenny pitched her drink to originally and they told her to get lost. That must have been before her reality fame. Makes all the difference, I tell you. Saves companies a crap ton in marketing expenses.

I knew we’d gone too long without complaint, so here we are back in Dr. Amador’s office for Bethenny to talk about how overwhelmed she is. And how much she would like to just slow down and enjoy her life and all the good things that are happening. She never will. Never. I don’t care how many times she says it. Can you imagine this woman without 150 simultaneous projects? Dr. Amador nods and says she seems better than when they first started therapy. Time’s up!

Please note the legitimate diploma strategically placed for the camera.

Bethenny has a plan for Christmas, which is to rent a house on the beach in Malibu for a week leading up to her Skating with the Stars finale. Jason says cool, but they need to spend a couple of days with his parents at some point since it is their first Christmas with a grandchild. Bethenny agrees. And so Bethenny, Bryn, Julie and Dawa pack up and head to the airport. Notice Bethenny needs two servants to go on her family vacation. Jason is staying behind for a couple of days to get some work done and he is beyond excited to have the house to himself and get some freaking peace and quiet. Is it a good sign that this soon after their wedding Jason is completely elated when his wife leaves?

Arriving in Malibu, the house is an absolute DREAM. It is so nice to get away from all of the “stuff” of your own house and relax somewhere with no clutter. And this house has the added bonus of being right on the beach and absolutely luxurious. There are three floors, a steam shower, multiple fireplaces, and floor to ceiling windows looking out at the waves. This would be heaven. Bethenny laments having to be here to ice skate instead of just to relax with her family. Place of yes, Bethenny! She says she had to ice skate because of her mid-life crisis. “I might as well be a 54-year-old man getting plugs with a small dick and buying a red Ferrari.” Ha! Totally true.

Bethenny tells Julie that Johnny Weir (one of the Skating with the Stars judges) went on TV last night and said that since Bethenny doesn’t care what the judges think, he doesn’t care to watch her anymore. It’s true, I saw it. And while yes, that was pathetic and childish, Bethenny DID clearly state several times that she didn’t care what the judges think. Julie points out that as a contestant, Bethenny can say whatever she wants, but the judges can’t be biased. Hmm, that sounds like a lot of rationalization to me. I think there was a fair amount of inappropriate behavior on both sides. Why would you piss off the judges when they’re the ones “guiding” the viewing audience on how they should vote? Plus, they are judges for a reason - they know what they’re talking about. It’s probably not the best idea to verbally take a crap on their faces.

Napoleon comes over to check out the Malibu pad. They discuss the war with the judges and Napoleon is kind of dumbfounded about it. He was actually really funny on the SWTS episode where Johnny Weir said he didn’t care to watch Bethenny anymore. Almost before he was done saying it, Napoleon grabbed the mic and said, “We’ll just go get our scores then!” Hee hee. Poor guy. Those are HIS colleagues he’ll probably deal with for the rest of his life. Anyway, Napoleon and Bethenny walk outside and down onto the beach and Cookie starts tearing around like a mad dog. Aw, so cute. She’s never had all this open space to run around in before. This is what my dog used to do after she’d get a bath. It was like she was free at last and had to feel the wind in her fur.

Bethenny decides to take a Skinny Girl margarita to the neighbors. Always marketing!

Bethenny says over and over how badly she wants to move out to LA. She thinks it might help her chill out a little to be away from the hectic mood of NYC.

Nothing's going to help this woman chill out. Has she considered whether this palace is baby proof?

Later the whole gang has some food and relaxes in the living room. Napoleon comments on how calm and silent Bryn is, observing that Cookie is a lot harder to deal with than Bryn. Bethenny is very lucky in that regard. Can you imagine if she had a baby who was as tightly wound as she is? Talk about never getting any sleep. They turn on the stereo, which is replaced for us with more hokey, non-licensed music, and everyone dances on the coffee table while Cookie eats all the human food off of the plate Bethenny leaves on a low table. Aw, everyone is having a nice night.

Triple axel, Napoleon!

Next week! Jason gets to the glorious Malibu house, more ice skating, and the Skinny Girl tour bus makes its first appearance. See you there!

So tonight was a nice break from the moaning and fit throwing we’ve gotten used to. It was almost like a glimpse from the Bethenny we used to know. What did you guys think? And what happened to our scene with Nick?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Bethenny Ever After: Turkey Tantrum

Hello beloved readers! Glad you could join me for another hour of celebrating Bethenny’s glory while she complains about everything. This recap made even more impressive by the fact that I am, of course, a newlywed.

"What? I'm not the only newlywed doing stuff?"

This episode is a series of vignettes, each of which is bookended with snippets from a session with Dr. Amador. Great, what pearls of wisdom or horrors from the past will our good doctor be passively sharing this time? Bethenny starts with this tragic story of taking a redeye flight home from LA, going straight to the ice skating rink for three hours, then coming home and - while still in her ice skating clothes, mind you - prepping and cooking Thanksgiving dinner, which didn’t go well. I hate to point this out again, but every single one of those circumstances were things she volunteered for. None were mandatory. None couldn’t have been done by someone else or rescheduled. But no, no, Bethenny comes from a place of yes. She says yes to everything right away, then spends the rest of her life whining about it and pointing out how rough she has it and how much she’s taken on. She warns us that on Thanksgiving she cracked. Shocking.

We go back to one week before Thanksgiving. Gay bestie Jake has come to watch Bethenny pack her bag for her ice skating journey to LA, where the first episode will be taped, or aired live, whichever.

Jake: "You're going to pay me since this is Julie's job, right?"

She goes over the other Skating with the Stars contestants, pointing out which ones she’s afraid of and which ones she doesn’t think will be competition. We learn that Gina is not coming on this trip due to a medical issue, so Veronica the makeup artist will be playing the role of Bryn’s nanny. I’m kind of amused that Jason can’t just take care of Bryn. If he’s traveling with Bethenny then he won’t be working, right? Or here’s a thought: Bring Jason’s parents. Remember those people who are dying to spend more time with the baby? Bethenny tells Jake that she wants to move to Beverly Hills. She says Beverly Hills is so she can be “central,” but please. Honestly, there are much better places to live in LA than Beverly Hills. Then she tells us she thinks Bryn will love living in California. Um, Bryn has no idea where she is, but ok. I’m sure YOU will love telling people you live in Beverly Hills and that’s what really matters.

Later that night Gina sits Bethenny down and tells her that she is having surgery on Friday and this will mark the end of her time as the baby nurse. Bethenny bursts into tears and worries whether Gina will be okay, but more importantly, wonders who is going to take care of her baby now. She tells Gina she has to help find a new nanny. Even Jason is all flustered wondering how they are going to find new help. Tears all around.

"Quiet down, Gina. I have to figure out what I'm going to do now."

We learn that Gina was supposed to help with newborn Bryn for one month, but it’s now been seven months. Hey, Gina knows a cushy situation when she sees one. Although if it were me, I would have gotten out of there the minute one month was up. I even had a dream last night that I was babysitting Bryn and Jason yelled at me. No kidding, this show is getting into my subconscious.

We cut back in to Dr. Amador, who asks Bethenny what she would have done differently now that she’s looking back. Bethenny can’t even imagine anyone else cooking Thanksgiving dinner because she loves the way she cooks it, and she couldn’t get out of skating at that point, so the only thing she would have done is postponed Thanksgiving. Yes Bethenny, I’m sure your way of cooking the dinner that every household in America eats is just that special. Certainly Carol couldn’t have even come close - not even with your recipes in front of her.

Ah, here we are in LA, and where are Jason and Bethenny staying? Why the Beverly Wilshire of course! The hotel from Pretty Woman! The hotel at the tip of Rodeo Drive itself! Apparently Jason has never been to Rodeo Drive before, so the little family takes a stroll around the obscenely priced street of shops. At one point Bethenny points out some jewelry she’d like and Jason says he’d have to sell a testicle. A testicle? Wrong reference, Jason. Your sperm isn’t that valuable. Bethenny gives him crap about that very thing.

"Your testicle might get me some earrings from Claire's."

Jason thinks that Rodeo Drive is very calm compared to New York. Head to somewhere less pretentious, Jason. Like Venice Beach. You’ll see all the out-of-work actors and resident homeless bustling around like nobody’s business. Beyond that, people are in their cars in LA, instead of on the sidewalk, and that’s the biggest difference. Speaking of which, they point to a yellow Ferrari that has pulled up next to them. Bethenny calls it a small penis car, which is totally true. Guys in LA drive around in cars like that, then pull up to their studio apartments which house nothing but a wall-sized flat screen TV. Priorities.

As they stroll around, various fans approach Bethenny to tell her they love her and get photos taken with her. Bethenny is very nice and says yes to everyone. I wonder how long before she starts telling people she just wants to be left alone. Jason says this fan bombardment is how he feels in Hazleton. Ha ha ha ha ha!

My mom still looks through the tiny camera window too. She doesn't like the newfangled digital screen that enables you to hold the camera away from your face.

They head over to an ice rink somewhere so Bethenny can practice her routine one last time with Napoleon Dynamite. Bethenny claims that she is no longer nervous and they do their routine to some crappy music the show didn’t have to pay licensing fees for. When she finishes, Jason says, “Are you happy mommy?” Stop. We’re going here again. This was not Jason talking to Bryn saying, “Is mommy happy?” This is Jason directly addressing Bethenny as if he were a small child and she were his mother. No likey. Now, my parents constantly said things like, “Dad will be home later,” or “Ask mom if you can go.” But they didn’t ADDRESS each other as mom and dad, or mommy and daddy. They had nicknames for each other that weren’t their parental titles. Sorry, but it’s creepy. They are not each other’s parents. And just because it creeps me out so much, my adorable (brand new) husband has started calling me “mama,” and laughing like crazy at the face I make.

Back to Dr. Amador, where Bethenny complains that not only is she heroically taking on everything at one time, but also she can not sleep at night. Wow, I don’t feel bad for her.

LA again, where Bethenny and Jason take a drive around Beverly Hills to point out potential future homes. Bethenny keeps bringing up that Beverly Hills isn’t right on the beach, and will that be okay? Oh my gosh, Los Angeles IS right on the beach. It’s a huge city with many neighborhoods, but it is directly on the ocean. Living in Beverly Hills, or anywhere in the city, means maybe a 20 minute drive to the beach, which is not that big of a deal. Like these two are going to be hitting the beach anyway. They’re too busy being perpetually busy and overworked. They come across a house that is up for sale and pull into the driveway. They get out and peek into the windows, then trespass by climbing over a fence into a tiny backyard with a tiny pool.

Totally worth getting busted to check out the tiny yard of a fuggo house.

This is why I’m not enamored of Beverly Hills. It’s these ancient houses with small yards and everyone is crammed in. If they really want to live like celebs they need to head up into the Hollywood Hills. There are properties up there that go on for miles. They finally leave before the neighbors call the police. Jumping fences with a camera crew in tow isn’t exactly stealth.

Later at the hotel they do bathies with Bryn and she pees all over various bedding. Then Jason and Bethenny go to Cut for a dinner away from their hectic lives. Of course the makeup artist stays with the baby. Bethenny wants to know how Jason feels about Los Angeles, meaning how would he feel about living there. He says he wouldn’t want to live there, but he’ll be happy as long as he’s with Bryn and Bethenny. Bethenny asks how it would be not being able to see his parents every couple of weeks. Jason gets defensive and says they only see them once a month and that it would be difficult to be far away, but he’s a grown up and his family comes first. Bethenny worries that he will feel guilty leaving them. Jason says Bethenny makes him feel like a mama’s boy who can’t stand to be away from his parents. Bethenny’s like, “I never said that, that’s your interpretation.”

"Stop making me feel like the crazy one! I'm not the crazy one! I am overworked and get no sleep! And I have a brand new baby and... wait. What?"

Okay, she didn’t exactly say it, but she’s hinted at it like 20 times an episode. He didn’t exactly pull it out of thin air. She insists that’s not what she thinks and that he’s totally overreacting and she didn’t SAY those words. Now she’s all defensive saying this is his fault, his interpretation, and not her fault at all. They’re both pissed now. I can see this issue being a real problem for them for a long time to come. But tonight, eventually they laugh and move on.

Before dawn the next morning Bethenny is up and getting ready to head over to Skating with the Stars. She leaves with a pillow, which confuses me, but whatever. We cut right to Bethenny and Napoeon skating onto the ice stage in front of the live audience. Bethenny is wearing a skin tight red sequined mini dress with no cute ice skating skirt.

"Twenty dollars gets you what's under here."

Once again we have the generic, non-licensed music while they go through the routine. I just looked it up on You Tube and they actually skated to “Right Round” by Flo Rida and Ke$ha. And honestly, with the real music the routine looked a lot less lame. Here with the fake music, Bethenny does all the moves correctly, but she looks very stiff and uncomfortable - which I’m sure she was. She did fine, it was just kind of uncomfortable to watch, because she looked so uncomfortable. One judge says she is static and looks like she’s on eggshells. Another judge says she needs to relax her shoulders. She gets fives across the board. She gives a positive live response, though, so good for her.

"But you like the poofy hair, though, right?"

Later at lunch Bethenny complains to Jason that the judges were so harsh - why couldn’t they just give her credit for showing up say they liked her outfit? Well, because they’re there to judge your skating, that’s the whole point. Gina has left an amusing message on Bethenny’s cell phone, though, which is a profanity filled rant about how crazy the judges are. Oh and by the way, her surgery went fine.

"Gina thought I was fantastic! So there! Hold on, what surgery?"

Oh, suddenly we’re back in New Jersey at the practice rink, so it must be Thanksgiving morning following the dreaded redeye. It looks like Bethenny made it through the first round because she and Napoleon are still working, so that’s good. Then at the condo - still in her ice skating clothes - Bethenny is not letting anybody help her with making dinner.

"Get out of here, Carol! This is MY recipe! You don't get it!"

She tells Dr. Amador that she let everyone help, but not really. I think by “help,” she means she let them stand around in the kitchen. But when the turkey comes out of the oven, horror of horrors, it’s still raw inside! Bethenny’s meltdown begins. Jason’s parents are like, “We’ll figure it out, it’s fine.” Bob even offers to slice up the turkey and put it in the microwave - how cute is he??? But Bethenny is already over the edge and inconsolable. And here is poor Julie - not at home with her own family, but here watching her boss freak out and start yelling at her to look up the oven on the internet and call the manufacturer. Bethenny continues to scream and bounce off the walls while everyone stands around looking at each other and waiting for it to end.

"So did you guys get to the beach in LA?"

I hope she’s embarrassed watching this. I understand that this would be frustrating, but there is no reason to act like a five-year-old in front of all these people who can’t do anything but stand by. It’s so awkward. Everybody is trying to stay positive and point out how much they have to be thankful for and everyone knows the raw turkey is just a fluke oven malfunction. And that a solution will be found. Jason and his dad cut up the turkey to put it back in the oven, but by this time Bethenny has stormed off. AWKWARD! Who wants to come back for Thanksgiving next year?

At least there is no TACKY folding table. Can you imagine?

So naturally Dr. Amador wants to know what Thanksgiving was like when Bethenny was growing up and she talks about her mom having these crazy rampages. For once, Dr. Amador says something useful and points out that Bethenny did exactly that to her own family. This is a stunning revelation for Bethenny. She is acting just like her evil mother? Her neglectful, crazy mother who put pictures of young Bethenny on the internet (certainly nothing like putting Baby Bryn on TV every week). This mother who made everyone tremble in fear while throwing crazy tantrums. Jeepers Bethenny, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it? Bethenny actually puts her head down when she realizes that she recreated her own hated mother in her own home on her own glorious Thanksgiving. Is Bethenny having a breakthrough? Did Dr. Amador actually bring up a valid point?

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiizzzzzz...."

Next week! Bethenny is interviewing for a new nanny and still skating. I’m sure this is all very heroic and that she is still getting no sleep - but coming from a place of yes! Also, Foodie Friend Nick is back. See you then!

What do you guys think? Let’s hear all about it!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta