Football Wives: That's the Game

Out of the shower and onto the town!

Okay so here’s what. This show would have been a whole lot more interesting if it had been about football wives being cheated on by their football husbands, suing for child support, intercepting text messages of their husbands’ privates meant for star-effing media whores.

"I didn't realize I took a picture."

You know, like an E True Hollywood Story. That’s kinda what I was hoping for when I signed on to take this one. Does that make me an extremely horrible voyeur? Have we met? Instead this show ended up trying to mimic the Real Housewives by throwing a group of women together and stirring up nonsense. I’m just not sure how many of these gals have the personality to carry this kind of a setup. Chanita gave it her all, but a one-woman annoyance does not a series make. And anyway even the Real Housewives idea is stretching itself pretty thin with the DC and Beverly Hills franchises. The world only offers up so many Jo De La Rosas and Ramona Singers. The rest are more your average crazy-next-door. You just can’t bottle lightening.

Having said all that, Pilar Sanders really needs to get over herself. And that’s about as worked up over her as anyone should get. Is she even relevant? But the last several episodes have centered around the other women - namely Chanita and Dawn - working themselves up into certifiable FRENZIES over Pilar thinking she’s too good for them. Then after several scenes complaining about her, they would end up meeting somewhere to try to bring Pilar down a notch or two, and of course, Pilar always refused to be brought down.

"I only speak to women who have zebra collars. Good day."

And instead of moving on with their lives, they’d get all lathered up... again.

Exactly. How much are we expected to care?

Which brings us to... the FINALE! For the first time ever, I see the opening credits to this show, you know the type, where each lady takes a turn modeling some outfit while a fan blows her hair around and she’s shown participating in various “football wife” activities like walking while holding a purse, checking her cell phone, or emerging from a swimming pool in a bikini. This, however, has to be the most awesomely random shot of irrelevant paraphernalia I’ve seen:

Oh you have one of these too? You must be a FOOTBALL WIFE!

We start the episode with Erin McBriar inviting her castmates out for drinks so that she can propose a kiss-and-make-up trip to New York for the whole group.

Amanda: "Sounds fun, but I'll need some more pearl necklaces."

She calls it a girls’ trip and everyone is all excited, including Pilar... except for Chanita, who for whatever reason isn’t here. But they call her on speaker phone and she’s like, “Is EVERYONE coming then?” Meaning Pilar of course. They tell her yes and she says, “all right, all right.” Oh THANK YOU Chanita, for gracing us with your calming presence. Please remember to bring your Excedrin because I hear the NYC emergency rooms have very long waits.

And we’re off! It’s the Brooklyn Bridge! It’s the Statue of Liberty! It’s The Strand in matronly cocktail wear for drinks! Chanita wasn’t there for the initial conversation about this trip, so she is unaware of the fact that one of the current missions is to start Pilar with a clean slate. She sits across the table grumbling about how everyone acts like Pilar never snubbed them and she’s not going to stand for it.

"I mean, what. We're going to be nice to each other now? Is that it?"

For her part, all Pilar says is that she’s tired and ready to sleep. That bitch!

Pilar mistakes Erin for a high horse.

Dawn pulls Chanita aside and tells her that she’s only hurting herself and she should just relax and have a good time. You know, be an adult. Chanita doesn’t think that’s being an adult; she thinks its being fake, so instead she opts to storm away in a huff. We’re so impressed, Chanita.

The next day everyone is ready to shop! “Erin” has somehow arranged for the girls to all come to an exclusive showroom, reserved normally for buyers only, to apparently try on ridiculous clothing.

"So my belly button can breathe when I SCUBA dive!"

Not sure where Pilar is planning on wearing that little number... perhaps to another premiere of a movie she’s not in? Amanda is hilarious, saying Pilar looks like a mermaid on steroids so of course she likes it.

"It doesn't even have any rhinestones!"

Dawn goes, “What’s that saying? Money can’t buy you class?” Careful there, Dawn. I’m pretty sure Countess LuAnn owns that phrase. Everyone piles into a limo to move on to the next average NYC tourist activity, except for Pilar who is still in the store hemming and hawing over what else she can drop some cash on. Dawn is slowly working herself up to hysteria.

"If I have to sit in this fully loaded limo for one more minute..."

As soon as the limo stops Chanita grabs Dawn and makes a run for it. Where do they go? Central Park? Nope. Battery Park to catch a ferry? Nope. Ground Zero? Um, no. They rush right in to a tattoo parlor. A tattoo parlor! Good call ladies, there are surely none of those in Texas. Chanita justifies all this by saying she’s getting a Jesus tattoo to remind her to walk in love and forgiveness even though she’s always being tested. Hmm, I think acting your age might go a little further than a tramp stamp with the whole love and forgiveness thing, but what do I know? Wait, it’s not a tramp stamp, it’s on the back of her neck, so that’s much classier. She’s saved, y’all, m’kay?

Well now that it's in ink I believe it.

So later that night, it’s back on with the “mature” partying outfits so the ladies can hit the clubs!

Woooooooo!

Amanda is going to sit this one out since her leg hurts from walking around Manhattan all day (in a limo). Guess who else is tired? Pilar. And Dawn of course takes this as a personal affront. She’s sure Pilar has made alternate plans that are much better and don’t include them. And even if she has... so? You hate her. Can’t you go have fun with the girls you like? Apparently not. A young lady named Jay has joined the group.

Football Wife Hopeful (like Brittany)

She is dating Nick Folk, a former kicker for Dallas. Jay is going to show them a night on the town in New York City! Erin’s totes embarrassed because the minute they all get in the limo Dawn goes off on Pilar again. What happened to not letting Pilar ruin Chanita’s buzz, Dawn? You need to calm down and mind your bidness, girlfriend.

Astonishingly, not one of them is carded.

They get into the club, take some tequila shots, and suddenly Dawn is raving about how much fun it is without Pilar. Well good, then everybody wins, right? Right Dawn?

Drizzly and early the next morning, Melani takes Pilar on a walk to discuss once again the situation with the other wives. Pilar says it’s sad to see grown women act like third graders. Word. Melani says that Pilar shuts down whenever she’s around the other wives. Then Pilar says a line that personifies why the women don’t like her. “Why would I continue to cast pearls amongst swine?” So yes, she thinks she’s better than the others. On the other hand, they’re constantly egging her on. They all need to STFU.

Over dinner - without Pilar again - Chanita gives a speech about how wonderful it’s been getting to explore the world of autism through her wonderful friend Dawn and Dawn’s little boy. With that, she passes out silver puzzle piece necklaces to everyone at the table. (The puzzle piece is the symbol for autism.) This makes Dawn weepy and its very sweet, even though this nod to autism is totally out of nowhere. Then who should come along and crap all over everything just by breathing? Pilar! And Melani is with her, which is total betrayal, obvs.

Dawn wants to leave, so Melani suggests that we resolve our issues right now. Oh great AGAIN? The girls want to know why Pilar won’t hang out with them more. Pilar wants to know why they talk about her so much.

"I've explained to y'all that we are on totally different levels."

Brittany wants to know if it would be possible to get up a beer pong tournament if they push a couple of tables together.

"I'd kick all of their butts."

Voices are raised, questions repeated ad nauseam, accusations hurled... basically the same as every episode. You’re miserable. No YOU’RE miserable! Pilar gets up to leave, as usual. Amanda and Melani take up for Pilar, saying there’s no way she can win with these odds. We get some RANDOM snippet of Pilar sniffling and saying she can’t possibly live up to her expected public image. That so totally was NOT from this fight, but thank you editors.

Melani reminds Dawn that she called Pilar a bitch and Dawn is like, “Well, she called me sweetie!” Um, okay. Melani asks Dawn, “Do you go into your law firm and if you don’t like something, start calling people bitch?” HA! The bigger question would be do you go into your law firm... at all? To hear it from Dawn her family is on the doorstep of the poor house now that Ryan’s NFL career is over, so I’m still confused over the whole attorney thing. Dawn responds by saying that Melani is disrespecting her career. Again... what career now? And aren’t we getting away from the point?

"I would sue you for slander if I practiced law!"

Dawn storms away in tears, saying that was worse than anything Pilar could say. Oh come ON! Melani follows her out and Chanita tries to pull Dawn away a la Countess LuAnn. Her again? But Melani won’t let her and continues her apology to Dawn for disrespecting her alleged career.

Chanita is not at all pleased at being left out of this fight so she starts throwing a fit about being tired of being walked on.

"Won't someone look at meeeeeeeeee???"

Shut up Chanita, you’ll give yourself a migraine. Everyone just looks at her, wondering where this is coming from. Amanda announces that she doesn’t fight like this and she doesn’t get ghetto. Oooh no she di’int! When a white girl said that on the Real World it launched worldwide controversy. Amanda? Is done. She says you are who you hang out with and she leaves. With only one minute left in the season, how will we come to terms with all of this?

Dawn says she’ll always be a football wife, but it’s time to move on. Chanita says she loves all the gals, but there’s too much fighting and that’s shown her that she has a lot to work on personally and she needs to walk away. Pilar says if you’re full of bitterness and hate it’s going to come out. And some of these women are upset about how their lives have turned out (in other words, not like hers) but they need to remember that they are still a lot better off than most people. True, true. There WAS an awful lot of whining on this show about how hard it is to make tons of money then... not make tons of money. Melani says they’ve all been through the same things, but nobody is willing to give. Amanda says she’s all about the sisterhood, but there’s too much bickering. Then she goes off into bible talk. And that’s it!

"I gotta go. My jewelry line won't hot glue itself."

That’s a pathetic note to end on. Is anyone really interested in coming back for another season to watch these girls henpeck each other to death? Who cares? I can attend my OWN neighborhood bible study to see that. And it’s much more interesting when it’s people you know.
So poor Erin’s friendly NYC girls’ trip turned out to be a major FAIL. That’ll teach her to try doing anything awesome with people who suck. Or will it? Does it even matter?

To any of you who stuck this one out... MUCH LOVE AND APPRECIATION!

See you back in Seaside Heights, NJ.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Football Wives: Injury List

We rejoin the Football Wives in Amanda’s semi truck following Chanita’s ambulance to the hospital. The girls all hold hands and say a prayer for Chanita, so that should cover Bible Study for this week, right? Amanda tells us there’s no way they’re going on with the fashion show when Chanita could be about to die. I still think Chanita is fine. She makes a huge deal about everything. Can you imagine if someone had interrupted the Rockstar Rascals fashion show with a silly little headache?

Amanda: "It better be. She ruined my fashion show."

Meanwhile Erin (remember her?) and Pilar are still back at the store and Pilar has missed all the excitement. She’s wandering around asking where everybody went. When she finds out what happened she’s kind of put out that no one thought to inform her. She decides there’s nothing she can do from the store so she goes home. Not to the hospital with the other girls, but home. I kind of don’t blame her since I don’t expect Chanita’s condition to be anything serious. But on the other hand, Pilar isn’t exactly someone who would be there for you in a pinch.

The girls are all waiting in Amanda’s truck when Amanda emerges from the hospital with news. Apparently she has a nursing background and was able to hang around and find out what was going on.

"Okay, y'all just calm down. Everybody relax. I was in nursing school for a semester, I know what's going on."


Chanita’s sedated and is currently having a CT scan. That sounds pretty standard for coming in with a bad headache. Amanda announces that Chanita is more important than jewelry and thus the fashion show is postponed. And since there’s nothing any of them can do tonight they all go home.

The next morning we join Chanita at home in her bed, sitting up working on something. She tells us she’s fine, she just had a severe migraine. Shocking. She’s surrounded with flowers and balloons so I’m sure she’s been sufficiently coddled. The girls start coming over to sob about nearly losing her.

"If only I'd had some Excedrin in my purse! I'll never forgive myself!"

Chanita says something like it took a damn ride in an ambulance to realize she’s not damn superwoman. I love how her hysterical overreaction can be reinterpreted into a much deserved break from her overachieving. Also? George is coming home from training camp to make sure she’s okay. And aw, the girls have all learned that they’re not invincible and they need to rely on each other.

Later Dawn is having a tea party with her little girl when husband Ryan calls with the news that he’s been injured. Last night at practice he heard a pop in his knee and now he has to have an MRI.

"If only I could think of another way for our family to have an income..."

Wow, everyone’s taking a trip to the hospital! This is terrible news because the season is only six weeks long and if Ryan is out of commission for any period of time, he won’t get paid. Dawn worries about their mortgage and once again, fails to mention her status as an attorney. Ryan mumbles that he’ll work hard and rehab quickly and be back to playing in time for the season.

Chanita discusses Ryan’s situation with her husband while he’s home tending to her life-threatening situation. She complains to us that it’s unfair that with one wrong step Ryan and Dawn could be out of the season while Pilar is sitting pretty riding her husband’s money train. Gee, you know who else finds that unfair? The rest of the world. We have to gain skills or go to school then work our way up in various jobs to pay our bills. And we too, could lose our jobs at any time for any reason and have to start all over. The difference is, no one ever paid us ridiculous amounts of money to play a game. Chanita switches gears, saying that if her worst enemy was in the hospital she’d make it a point to go visit them. BS! This is, of course, a jab at Pilar for going home the other night instead of coming to the hospital. Chanita and George decide they’re way cooler than the Sanders and they even let everyone use their bathroom. It seems that Pilar makes her guests go outside to the guest house to use the bathroom. What a bitch. George could pretty much care less about the Pilar drama, but when Chanita pretends he’s Pilar and then mock-strangles him, her dog freaks out. That’s so cute! The dog doesn’t want Chanita hurting George. A dog like this would make a great character on an episode of Snapped.

Then fate stepped in and Twinkie dialed 911...

For our next scene Dawn has arranged a lunch with Melani to talk to her about what happens once your husband stops playing football. It’s so funny to me how these women are so completely clueless as to life outside a football field. How do they think everyone else in America lives whose husbands don’t play football? And another thing. Didn’t they know the career span of a professional football player before this point in time? I mean all of these families made the choice to have men playing professional football, so certainly they understand the length of this type of career and should have been thinking about what would happen after. Melani suggests that Ryan finds something to do that he loves and the money will come. Just like you’d tell any high school graduate.

"There's this website called Monster.com."

Oh look, here’s Ryan, home from training camp. Could this be part of his intense rehab? Dawn mentions that they’ve been invited to go on a boat later. Ryan seems less than enthused. But he always seems less than enthused.

"We won the lottery? Great. What's for dinner?"

Ryan explains that if you get hurt during the season you are still guaranteed half of your contract. But if you get hurt during training camp you get nothing.

Later we learn that it’s Brittany and David who have rented a boat and invited everyone to come to the lake with them. Amanda tells us that Brittany invited everyone - including Pilar. But that’s okay because Brittany just doesn’t know yet. About Pilar being awful I guess. Chanita is excited that the boat is equipped with a stripper pole and things get underway as the girls start drinking.

Wow, Dawn. Try not to get too nasty.

Pilar sits off to the side with her arms folded, looking like she’s quietly judging.

"Ugh, why did I agree to spend ANOTHER day with the peasantry?"

Then we have a totally random conversation between David and Brittany where Brittany talks about how her roommate just dropped the bomb on her that’s she’s moving out, so Brittany has to find a new roommate. David mentions that he might as well move in since they already have a dog together and all. I already thought they lived together, but this conversation is proving me wrong. These two are the opposite of interesting.

"Should we get everyone in on a beer pong super-tourney?"

Time to pick on Pilar! Amanda straight up asks Pilar if she wants any friends among the group and then calls her out on not coming to the hospital. Pilar claims she didn’t know what was going on, but the Erin pipes up and says Pilar asked what was going on and Erin told her. For some reason, Dawn of all people gets the most worked up and tells Pilar to stay out of their group. Oh boy. Brittany’s probably relieved that being the only girlfriend didn’t end up being the factor to keep someone out of the wives club. Amanda takes back control of the conversation and tells Pilar she doesn’t talk to them with respect.

"Shut up, you crazy bitches! I'm talking about RESPECT!"

Naturally Pilar says none of them ever talk to her with respect either. Chanita pipes up again about the hospital. You had a headache, Chanita! You should be embarrassed, not out for blood for anyone who didn’t rush to your side. Pilar says “sweetheart” a lot in a very condescending way and Dawn is still all worked up. This is all very silly.

Chanita: "I'm very hurt and offended that you weren't on-hand for my false alarm."

Next week! The girls form a flag football team! This could be a very positive way for them to get their aggression out.

Who's excited for flag football? What do you think of all this bickering?

Thanks for reading!

-Honey Gangsta

Football Wives: Reinventing the Tutu

You've never seen anything so avant garde.

Hey guys. I’m sure you’re all jumping off the edge of your seats waiting to read about what happened this week on Football Wives. All right, calm down. I’ll tell you.

It appears that Chanita is suddenly completely over the absence of her husband and has taken on a new project - launching her fashion line! Oh here we go. Why? Why does everyone think they can do this? Why? Amanda is also debuting her latest line of jewelry. Here’s the thing. If these women didn’t have husbands with semi-local-celebrity status, they wouldn’t even dare. It’s because they can ride their husbands’ coattails and get some mileage out of their names. They’ve got to grab some of that glory.

Chanita’s line is a children’s line called Rockstar Rascals, which is kind of cute, I guess. Mercedes comes over to Chanita’s because she also thinks she can (and should) design a fashion line. Chanita eyes Mercedes’ merchandise suspiciously and informs us that there is a problem because her own line is for kids and Mercedes’ line is for adults.

"Where are the tutus?"

Interesting. Wouldn’t that little fact have come up on the phone during an initial conversation about this? How is she surprised?

There is some random guy there, presumably helping with this fashion show, and he says that every time Chanita takes on a project she gets pregnant. Just then Chanita runs to the bathroom to throw up. Mercedes looks worried. Chanita already has six children and her husband is being relegated to the UFL. I would suggest looking into some birth control.

Next we hear some stately sounding music and get an aerial shot of the Sanders mansion. I guess the music is to remind us of how grand these people are. There’s a freaking Hummer in the driveway.

It almost deserves its own soap opera.

Chanita is coming over to see Pilar because she would like to use Pilar’s “celebrity” status and have her emcee the fashion show. That’s not a bad idea because you know Pilar will jump at any chance to affirm her “celebrity” status. Chanita tells Pilar that she has reservations about showing Mercedes’ pieces alongside her glorious Rockstar Rascals. Pilar talks her into telling Mercedes (nicely of course) that she has been ejected from the fashion show. Oh good. We wouldn’t want anything tacky going down the runway on the same day as Chanita’s fluorescent green tutus.

So Chanita immediately calls Mercedes to tell her about her concerns. Kidding! She waits until Mercedes shows up to the model fitting a few days later, then sits her down and says that their two lines don’t mesh. Mercedes is like, hello? Why didn’t you say something a few days ago and I could have come up with some kid-appropriate things? This now, offends Chanita, who has spent YEARS reinventing the tutu. Mercedes has a lot of nerve thinking she can produce something in a few days that would be suitable to show with Chanita’s years of work. How is it that Chanita can always figure out a way to be offended, even when she is the one being a bitch?

"With some warning, I could have made some tutus!"

Mercedes insists that she could have made it work because that’s what teams do. Chanita makes this a football analogy and says Mercedes wants her to play the last person on the bench just so everyone can play and she won’t do it. That’s rather dramatic, Chanita. This is a little fashion show for your friends that the two of you planned. It wouldn’t kill you to let Mercedes show some of her stuff. After some heated yelling, Mercedes tells Chanita to eff her show and she storms out.

To be fair, though, Mercedes did design this necklace then refer to her stuff as couture.

And now Amanda Davis is going to weigh in. She tells us that Mercedes and her ex (Marion Barber - thanks guys!) used to be really close with her and Leonard and were baptized in their jacuzzi. That creates quite a visual, doesn’t it? Anyway, Amanda will not stand for someone who was baptized in her jacuzzi to be dropping the eff bomb. Hmm. What if she had been baptized in a church? Then would you care? She schools Mercedes and warns her that if she ever tells anyone she was baptized in her jacuzzi then drops the eff bomb, she will never come through Amanda’s door again. Is Mercedes clear? Mercedes very softly says “yes,” and this scene makes me uncomfortable. Is Amanda her mother?

"You are giving our holy jacuzzi a bad rep!"

Mercedes starts to cry and Amanda continues her lecture and also starts to cry. She says it’s important to her how people remember her and she loves Mercedes enough to tell her how to act and not want her to spend an eternity in hell. An eternity in hell? Is this the episode of overstatement or what? For saying the f word once? Good grief no one has a chance if that’s all it takes to go to hell for eternity. Imagine if you actually did something bad. I guess you might as well if you’ve already used the f word.

Ah, it’s the day of the high end fashion show for Rockstar Rascals. Chanita is having these children get their hair done in mohawks and put on eye makeup. Thank goodness Mercedes won’t be here to bring things down to ghetto.

"I would so rather be here than playing the Wii. I swear."

Guess who hasn’t shown up or made a peep? The fabulous and perpetually busy Pilar Sandars. Chanita starts to worry that Pilar won’t show at all and she tells Dawn she may have to step in as emcee. Dawn’s like, “Maybe you should have asked me first - I would have called you.” Dawn tells us that Chanita knew she really wanted to emcee but she asked Pilar anyway. As if Pilar would ever miss a chance to be the center of attention, here she is! Making a very grand late entrance.

"My life has just been SO busy!"

She tells us that she’s SO proud of herself for getting there on time, which is hilarious because she’s so late Chanita thought she wasn’t coming at all. Pilar acts like she’s so happy to be doing something for the kids, but we know this is all about her own ego. Chanita tells Dawn never mind about emceeing, and Dawn reacts by collecting her daughter and preparing to storm out. Chanita compromises by letting both women emcee. This show is basically just a series of tantrums, isn’t it?

Wow, there must be at least a dozen people here.

Then we have the fashion show, during which we are shown three to four children wearing tutus and some variation on a top. Groundbreaking. Chanita congratulates herself and “Team Foster” for pulling off the ultimate feat.

Quick, where can I order some of this stuff? Oh wait, Mervyn's.

Later that same guy who was the fashion show assistant (or whatever) plops down a pregnancy test on the counter in front of Chanita and tells her she’s acting pregnant - throwing up, craving certain foods - so he wants her to find out. Wow, that wasn’t totally staged at all. Chanita exclaims about how horrible it would be if she were pregnant right now, then marches into the bathroom with the test. What’s highly disturbing is that her tweenage daughter tells her how to read the test results. Wouldn’t it be cute if they were pregnant at the same time?

"Oh mom, I read these all the time."

Well guess what. Chanita isn’t pregnant. So that was a plotline that went nowhere. But there’s always hope for the tween!

Uh oh, Mercedes has summoned a group dinner. This means that someone will be blamed for something, scolded, called out or shunned. Right away she announces that she’s going back to LA. What, without calling anyone on the carpet?

"Oh we'll really miss sharing the spotlight with you, bless your heart."

Pilar hugs Mercedes, which makes Chanita fume. After all, isn’t Pilar the very person who CONVINCED Chanita to throw Mercedes out of the fashion show? Was this all a grand scheme by Pilar to have Chanita tear Mercedes down so that she (Pilar) could scoop her back up? Shut up Chanita. You’re not the center of the universe, believe it or not. Chanita keeps bringing up how she was disrespected with regards to her fashion show and everyone keeps telling her to move on. Pilar says her ears are bleeding and Amanda says she can’t handle this when she’s trying to get ready for her OWN show. Oh right, the jewelry thing.

"Don't these women know I have rhinestones to hot glue?"

Pretty much everyone leaves this dinner in a huff and Dawn says, “Can’t we ever go out to dinner and not have people act ignant?” HA. And the answer is no, Dawn.

On some other day Amanda makes a visit to her stylist Gretchen, showcasing some serious extensions. She tells us that every year she and Gretchen plan a preview of her jewelry line with her favorite store in Dallas, Bling. Wow, that is so interesting. What IS actually interesting is that Gretchen kind of looks like Kate Middleton.

Future princess on the brain.

This year Amanda decided to let her girlfriends (meaning fellow cast members) model the jewelry. And guess who doesn’t feel well while getting ready backstage? That’s right, Chanita. It looks like she’s about to disrespect Amanda’s big day. Sure enough, soon her headache turns into the worst headache she’s EVER had. Then she has to go home. Then she’s sobbing. Then she’s asking for 911 and here comes an ambulance. She just couldn’t stand for someone else to have a day, could she?

What the flip is wrong with Chanita? My money’s on dehydration. What do you guys think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Football Wives: Training Camp Widows

The nonstop intrigue continues on Football Wives!

Guess what. Deion and Pilar Sandars run a fitness program in the privacy of their own home, which is the size of a giant shopping mall. And it’s actually OUT of the home on several of the sprawling acres that make up their property. These two are really into compelling people to exercise and I don’t appreciate it. Can’t they just exercise themselves - in the privacy of their own home? Really does the entire city of Dallas have to pay them to do torturous military drills out in their “yard?”

This is probably actually the Sanders' wait staff.

Pilar has ever so generously invited several of the wives “into her world,” meaning her workout that she leads and the four privileged guests arrive looking less than thrilled. While Pilar leads her herd in lunges, Chanita complains that she doesn’t feel well.

"This doesn't look like an easy win, so..."

See, I’ve learned to just say no when I’m invited to participate in athletic endeavors. It saves me the trouble of showing up and playing sick. Pilar says Chanita is always yammering about being an athlete - which we saw last week as she displayed her athletic prowess in a vigorous round of GOLF. Pilar’s plan is to work the girls out extra hard. I guess this will prove that she’s the prettiest, or her husband is the best ex-football player, or her kids are better, who knows?

Chanita is mad that Pilar couldn’t have found some air-conditioned space for the workout somewhere inside her residential complex. Dawn is mad that she drove an hour to have Pilar lead a bootcamp when there is a bootcamp instructor 15 minutes from her house. Did Pilar lure them here under false pretenses? They’re all in workout clothes. I don’t get why they agreed to come if they’re all just pissed about it. Pilar struts around in her sports bra taunting them about thinking they were athletes.

"People PAY to try to look like this."

She tells us that the girls need to show some appreciation for being invited into her world. It’s your YARD, Pilar. It’s not even your house. And half the city is there. What an exclusive invitation. So after much persuading the girls finally do a couple of drills and Pilar feels vindicated.

Later the girls hit a spa to erase the horrid memories of exercising in Pilar’s field. Pilar doesn’t come and now the girls yap about how they showed up for her but she’s not showing up for them. So I guess it’s a slap in the face that Pilar isn’t joining them for mani-pedis after they moped around her property all morning trying not to work out. Apparently Pilar doesn’t appreciate being invited into THEIR world. The talk turns to whether Chanita’s husband George has received a call inviting him to play for the Cowboys. Chanita says no, but now she’s worried that her husband is endangering himself playing football. Dawn tells a story of a player who almost died and Melani starts bawling. Isn’t her husband retired? Oh wait, she explains that Rocket was playing in a celebrity football game and was injured. Melani explains that no amount of money makes up for her husband being at such risk.

Chanita disagrees.

I don’t know, Amanda Davis seems pretty happy with her mansion, her semi truck and her self-portrait billboard. Perhaps some of these richer amenities would calm Melani down? Chanita’s just talking a big game about injury fear because George still doesn’t have any offers.

Dawn is getting her family ready for Ryan’s departure for training camp in Omaha. She’s worried because her little boy with autism depends on routine. His dad being gone will be upsetting. She complains again about the cost of all of his treatments and has no idea how they’re going to make ends meet. I keep thinking that Dawn is a lawyer so this shouldn’t be this big of a mystery. She’s working part time, but couldn’t she work more if necessary? I mean it’s not like Brittany who is a Hooter’s waitress. Dawn actually has legitimate training and a viable career. Must she rely only on Ryan’s UFL income?

Elsewhere the wives of the current Dallas Cowboys lineup take their kids to the beach in California, where their husbands attend NFL training camp. Specifically Amanda takes her kids and Erin McBriar takes her dogs. There also seems to be some kind of servant.

The nanny wonders if she'll be paid in something besides Smash Burgers.

The two discuss having babies and Erin wants to know how Amanda and Leornard met. Just like on the first episode, Amanda describes thinking Leonard was “so pretty” when she met him. Pretty? He’s a huge black football player. Describing him as pretty makes me think of this:

Just three career girls looking for a moderately priced hotel.

Back in Dallas Ryan is taking Dawn out to a farewell dinner without the kids. Dawn explains to us that during training camp the wives are called “football widows” because they are left alone for so long. She and Ryan reminisce about all the ups and downs of their marriage through his football career and discuss the upcoming financial situation now that he is in his final season. Honestly, Ryan doesn’t seem to have any answers. He just nods and shrugs a lot, how reassuring.

"Starving kids? Uh... I dunno."

Dawn wants to know how they’ll survive without his income- they’ve already been living off of their savings for three years. I hate to be repetitive, but... attorney? Dawn? Ryan just says he has no idea what will happen. This makes it seem like he’s going to make a break for it.

Goody! We’re joining Miss Brittany Hooters and a girlfriend for shots!

"To boyfriends who leave town!"

Guess who didn’t get invited to California for NFL camp? That’s right, Brittany. Brittany says she can’t imagine being married with kids and having David just leave her alone. I guess she’s not counting on getting to go to California like Amanda and Erin. Even Erin’s dogs got invited. Brittany says she’s David’s biggest cheerleader (“pigtails and all!”) but that she’s going to make the best of things while he’s away. To illustrate that point she grinds up on her friend like they’re at a frat party.

Earning their drinks.

Dawn has decided to blow the very last of her savings on a barbecue for the departing players and their wives. Pilar is also invited for some reason. Pilar watches a couple of the girls eating cake and shakes her head at them, like she can’t understand how they can do that to their bodies. Someone jokingly calls Melani “Granny,” which prompts Pilar to announce that she’s 28. BWAHAHAHAHA! I think Chanita says it best when she goes, “If she’s 28 years old I am throwing myself a sweet sixteen party. Booya!” Pilar, however, persists. She says not to let her husband’s age fool the girls because he cradle robbed, but she didn’t mind it. Pilar needs a reality check.

"I was 12 when I had my first child."

Dawn gives a little speech about how special it is for George and Ryan to be going off to camp together and Chanita starts to bawl that she wants to go home.

"And when you get home, sweetie, we'll be in foreclosure!"

Dawn is all sweet, telling Chanita she’s strong and can get through this. I’m sure she can stir up a bunch of drama to keep herself occupied.

The next day it’s time to say goodbye for reals. This really would suck. Dawn is all teary and Ryan seems almost awkward. He just mumbles and gets into his car. Perhaps this is all he can muster as a tough football player?

"Yeah, see ya."

It’s also time for the Fosters to bid farewell, so Chanita and George head over to what looks like a preschool to say goodbye to some little toddlers wearing UNIFORMS. How many Africans are starving so your babies can go to schmancy private preschool, there, Chanita?

"Are these your solid gold crayons, honey?"

I believe I went to preschool in a neighbor’s basement. Back in the days of the DIY moms. Chanita tells us this will be the first time that she and George haven’t lived under the same roof. So maybe she got to go to NFL camp back in the day?

Next week the ladies try to drive each other nuts so that they won’t miss their husbands. And Chanita might be preggers.

So what did you guys think? Is Pilar 28?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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