Bethenny Getting Married? Treats, Trips & Tips

Mommy has to go to work.

Tonight on the finale of Bethenny Getting Married? We answer the long-standing question: is Bethenny REALLY getting married? Just kidding, we don't. We DO attend her baby shower and watch her settle deeper into life as a married mommy.

First up... Ramona! Ramona has stopped by to pay homage to the precious baby, who is once again all dressed up in her Skinny Girl branding clothes. Bethenny explains that Ramona had a baby girl of her own when she was around Bethenny's age, so she can totally relate to what Bethenny is going through.

"Avery had a True Faith Jewelry onsie."

Bethenny brings up the baby shower, which Ramona will miss because she's going to be in Vegas. Bummer. She would have been good for crazy random moments. Bethenny pours some wine and talks to Ramona about how blessed she feels because at her age she realizes she could have missed all of this. Jason is already talking about a second baby, but Bethenny and Ramona discuss their careers being their second babies. Boo. More human babies, please! They're way cuter than margaritas or religious jewelry. The topic of post-birth sex comes up and Ramona refuses to say how long she made Mario hold off before resuming "relations." From how coy she is I'm guessing Mario may not have seen any action between Avery's birth and that one episode where Ramona tried to seduce him into renewing their vows after 17 years of marriage. Gina comes in about now and chimes in about warding Jason off from touching Bethenny too soon. Wow, she's really in the middle of things.

Bethenny decides to make some stuffed peppers and Jason comes in and starts drooling over how great she's looking this quickly. Gina is standing by to keep things from getting out of control. Also to threaten Jason should he ever think about cheating on Bethenny. There's talk of cutting off his penis and I bet Jason is really feeling like a man right now.

Baby shower! We join Buster setting everything up at the Spachakra (or is it Spa Chakra?). He's unpacking a cake that he had shipped in from Los Angeles and it got kind of messed up en route. Okay, WHAT? These people are in NEW YORK CITY for the love of everything! NEW YORK CITY!!! I'm fairly certain that baby-shower-appropriate cakes are available right there on the island of Manhattan. I bet there's even a bakery that would do the little baby pictures and lettering on the cake just like the one that got messed up on its way from Los Angeles. Even the freaking Cake Boss is in New Jersey, which is just across the river. Buster is having a nervous breakdown because the lettering is messed up and this is where I draw the line, people. Extravagant much? Get an f-ing pink cake from one of the ten thousand bakeries in Manhattan that can be delivered in one piece. I don't feel sorry for anyone who cries over their cake getting messed up because it had to be SHIPPED FROM LOS ANGELES!!!! Especially when that person resides in NEW YORK CITY! This seems so out of touch to me. Okay, I'm done.

Look elsewhere for caketastrophe sympathy, Buster!

Aw, Alex comes to the shower. So does Bethenny's friend Lauren. Other than that I don't recognize anyone. Bethenny tells us she's probably the first mom to have a baby shower with the baby already born. Nonsense, I bet it happens all the time. I've been to one. It's even better cause you get to see the baby you're there to celebrate! The shower looks super cute, with lots of pink candy and cupcakes (I can't mention the cake again or my blood pressure will go up). The ladies all sit out on a patio to nibble and sip cocktails before getting spa treatments. This would be an awesome shower to be invited to. Bethenny tells us she knows motherhood is more important than anything, but she's not going to give up her career so she's still trying to figure out how to balance everything. Good luck, B. Jason's mom is there - I recognize her! - and she is so cute and happy as always. Someone gives Bethenny a little silver sippy cup for Bryn, which she immediately fills with an alcoholic beverage. That's actually cute. She toasts to Bryn, awwww.

The new Skinny Baby line.

The talk turns to breastfeeding, which is what Bethenny DIDN'T want to discuss, so they talk about how much Jason wants to have sex - with his mom right there. Bethenny tells us that Jason's mom is probably horrified that she married her son... but delighted as well. She says she feels like Carol's guilty pleasure. Like someone who says all the terrible things she herself can't say because she actually goes to church. LOL. I think Bethenny serves that purpose to some extent in all of us with her hilarious comments.

Jason and Max arrive, Jason with a huge bouquet for Bethenny. Jason's mom points out that it's scary to think Bryn is home with only Jason's dad. Bethenny panics, but then remembers Gina. Ah yes, Gina, the Super Baby Nurse. She could run the whole show without any of them as long as Bethenny expressed her some milk from time to time. Bethenny asks Buster to get everyone started on their spa treatments and then she'll be along for hers.

We cut to Bethenny wearing a spa robe and opening the door to a treatment room to discover Max in there, buck naked, waiting to have a massage. Bethenny flips out. She rails on him because she and three of her guests are still in the waiting room waiting for massages and it's totally inappropriate for her assistant to be jumping in ahead of them. Yep! She's right. And this, my friends, is why I am telling you all now: NEVER be a personal assistant to a celebrity. You think you get perks, but what you really get is to make sure everyone ELSE gets perks. You might get some crumbs once in a while, but make no mistake. You are there to implement someone else's life, not to build your own. Certainly not to enjoy your own. I understand that Max gets paid to do this and that's fine, it's his choice. I'm just saying that this job is not the way to get your foot in the door or to ride someone else's coattails to glory. This job is to give up your life for theirs. That being said, Max is obviously just now figuring this out because he is way out of line here. Max says that he asked if there was a list and was told that everyone was on the list so he could come on back. Honestly, he probably shouldn't have even assumed he could get a treatment without talking to Bethenny first. Definitely he should have made sure everyone else was taken care of first. Bethenny is appalled and leaves him.

"The spa girl said I could!"

Now Max has to decide if he should go ahead and have his massage or quickly get dressed and do damage control. Wisely he chooses damage control. He talks to the girl who works there to make sure she's got his back, but she tells him she had no idea he worked for Bethenny. Max, you're busted. You're not Bethenny's friend, you're her employee. You screwed up. Max finally apologizes and tries to make sure Bethenny's friends get their massages. You can tell he's totally embarrassed. Sorry Max! Welcome to assistanthood. And truthfully, Bethenny is probably one of the nicer celebrities to work for. I can't even imagine what some people probably go through for their narcissist bosses. Yes they choose it and yes they get paid for it. I'm just saying it would suck.

Later Bethenny has to get ready to go to Chicago overnight and she is terrified and sick about it. She can't stand the thought of leaving Bryn even for a few hours.

Baby needs a drink!

That would be so hard! Especially with how brand new Bryn is. It hasn't been very long since she was inside Bethenny's body. Bethenny is crying that she doesn't want to leave and Jason is trying to assure her that everything will be okay. Aw, I'm sure she knows that, it would just suck to leave your brand new baby. Poor B. Gina tells Bethenny she is a strong, phenomenal woman and mom and that everything will be fine. How cute is Gina!? As Bethenny pulls herself out the door I notice there is a portrait of Cookie right there in the entryway. A portrait! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! That's hilarious! I wonder if they have her puppy paw prints framed somewhere too!

Bryn's wondering where HER portrait is.

The next day Bethenny comes home and makes a beeline for Bryn. She tells us that seeing Bryn made her feel like she was in a swaddle.

"Good Cookie for not eating the baby."

What a perfect way to describe how happy she is with her new family. She says she still cries all the time. I'm sure I'll be the same way. I cry easily anyway. I can't imagine with all the postpartum hormones and all of those raw emotions. She says she's not going to travel anymore because she can't stand leaving. She's also come to another conclusion, which is that she's throwing away her entire book and starting over. She wrote the book before the biggest things in her life happened and now everything is different. For some reason Bethenny starts talking about Halloween and that she wants them to be a family of pandas. Who DON'T go to the parade in the Village. If it's anything like the parade in West Hollywood then good call. Not a place for small children. Amazing costumes, though.

Time for another nodding session with Dr. Amador! The doctor wants to know if Bethenny feels like she's finding balance. Bethenny says that having her office at home helps so that she can be with Bryn all the time. She says that sticking with her relationship with Jason is the greatest thing she's ever done and she feels like after a long period of unhappiness she's finally feeling the happiness she's been waiting for. That's really sweet. Dr. Amador nods and agrees. That'll be 250 dollars.

Now Bethenny is going shopping for clothing for Bryn! I guess since Bryn came so early she hasn't had time to get her anything except her Skinny Girl onesie. Max is along to help, but he knows nothing about babies, so he's really just there to hold stuff. Apparently they've kissed and made up since the baby shower.

Max going for perks again. This time he wants a hat.

OMG, Bethenny starts picking up 0-3 month swimsuits and dresses. This is the part where my ovaries start screaming again. Bethenny is thrilled to discover that she can buy a pair of jeans for Bryn for only five dollars. She'll realize why when they only fit Bryn for five days. Bethenny asks Max if he's excited to go to Montauk with her and Jason. She needs an assistant on vacation? Or will Max finally be getting a perk? Of course they're staying in a VILLA.

So a few days later they pile ALL of the baby stuff into the car. This family of three needs two cars to fit all the baby stuff plus their paid servants. En route Bethenny talks about how much she hates it when Bryn cries. Aww. And that's all babies do! And when she cries in the car there's nothing Bethenny can do because she has to stay in the car seat. How do you moms do it when you're the ones driving, the baby is in the back and there is no baby nurse? Do you just get used to it?

They realize that despite packing up the entire condominium, they've forgotten Bryn's pack 'n play for her to sleep in, and Bethenny's forgotten her "breast friend," which is a cushion she uses when she nurses.

"At least we remembered the hired help."

She says that when she forgets stuff, she thinks of "people in the bush" who've done all this with nothing. HA! That's so true! The people in the bush also didn't have assistants who could call ahead and see if the hotel has a pack 'n play. At the hotel we get a bird's eye view of Bethenny's milk-filled breasts while she sits topless on the bed, a pump on each nipple. Gina asks if Montauk is the tip of Long Island, which leads Bethenny to say that Jason's favorite game is "just the tip." She's really tormenting him about this no-sex thing. Gina's like, "Six weeks is six weeks. No tip!" Bethenny renames their vacation spot Mon-cock. She thinks it's totally funny. Jason, not so much.

Bethenny may be tapping the "tip" of Jason's iceberg of frustration.

Outside Jason, Bethenny, Julie and Max toss the football around and it's the most fun Max has had in months. He and Julie beat Jason and Bethenny. Then Jason and Max start a barbecue. Max asks Jason to put sunscreen on his back and he pulls up his wife beater and bends over, saying they're going to be on every gay website.

"Love those hands, big boy! If you still need a tip..."

Oh wow. Max seems to have a little crush on Jason here. Bethenny says she's never known a guy to have another guy rub lotion on his back unless he's "en fuego and lives in Chelsea." HA! Bethenny takes the manuscript of her book and shoves it into the barbecue so she can start fresh. Then they all joke about tasting chapter two, hardy har.

Over dinner Bethenny gets all sentimental looking at how much her life has changed over the last year. She makes a toast to everyone.

"Real Housewives of who? Where?"

To Gina for teaching them and loving their baby, to Max for hanging in with all women and a new baby and sticking with it, to Julie for being the backbone of her entire business, to Jason for making her so happy, and finally to Bryn. She tells us that it feels wonderful to have her own family and that the future will be whatever she makes it. Bryn screams and Bethenny and Jason look at each other and say, "We've become THOSE people."

LOVE that ending. That's awesome. I bet all new parents have a moment like that. I was once in a restaurant with my brother, his wife and their first child who was about two at the time and not in a good mood. When he screamed my brother looked at me and said, "Sorry that we're THOSE people." So funny that Jason and Bethenny used the same words.

So that's it! How did you all like Bethenny's very own spin off? I think she did a terrific job carrying her own show. It was fun and entertaining and free of all the backbiting and drama of RHONY. I don't know how she'd do a season two now that her huge events are over. What do you guys think? I've loved all your comments and participation with this one!

Thanks for reading and for a great ride!
-Honey Gangsta

Bethenny Getting Married? Blubbering Over Bryn

The New B. Hoppy

Tonight on Bethenny Getting Married? we meet little Bryn Hoppy! The Hoppy clan comes home from the hospital and Cookie meets her little sister. Max is on a dating mission and Buster stops by for some renewed mental torment. Let's go!

I'd like to thank Bethenny and all my awesome readers for the dream I had last night where I was in labor. I was in the hospital, getting an epidural, preparing to push, and there was even talk of an enema. It was all so vivid and realistic that I was shocked when I woke up not even pregnant. This show and you guys have done it! I've got baby birthing on the brain!

And now for the show! We're back in the hospital with the home video camera and Jason's parents are arriving to congratulate Bethenny and Jason. Bethenny is already back to her old self - warning them before they're through the door that she has stitches. In other words, don't grab her and tear her body to shreds, please. Her adorable in-laws are so completely overjoyed and sweet with her, hugging her very carefully and telling her she's beautiful. Bethenny melts into their frame of mind, getting teary and basking in the joy of the moment.

"I suppose I can always get new stitches."

Bethenny tells them there is news: "We have a baby girl and her name is Bryn Hoppy." Jason's parents squeal and cry and Bethenny just lays there bawling and looking totally happy. And so what if this is making me cry too? Jason's mom says she thought they would work "Bryan" into the name somehow. What a tender tribute to Jason's brother who passed away. It's very emotional and very sweet.

Later Jason is holding Bryn - who is sooooooo tiny! - feeding her a bottle and he's telling her how much he loves her, how he'll take her to dance class, but wants to teach her to shoot hoops and play golf as well.

As soon as she can hold her own head up.

We also see Jason helping Bethenny set up her breast pump and Bethenny tells us that she never thought when she was "in da club" meeting Jason that he would one day be her breast pump assistant. Ha! Men have absolutely no idea what they're in for when they fall in love, do they? And look how much Jason is loving this. They discuss how Bethenny's boobs have become public property and Jason says he doesn't want Bryn to get any bigger. I remember my sister-in-law saying the exact same thing when my nephew was born. It's amazing how you love the stage the baby is in, but then you love every stage they go through and it gets more exciting as they are able to do more. Bethenny says that Bryn is so pretty and that she has a sweet personality - she's nice. Jason points out that Bethenny has been so sweet and nurturing with Bryn and he's pleasantly surprised, which makes Bethenny laugh and hold onto her incision.

"Me - a good mother! Who'd a thunk it?"

Time to take little Bryn home! The new parents fuss around with the car seat and then want the car to drive two miles an hour all the way home.

"And no potholes and no right turns!"

Imagine parents who are on like child number seven. They're probably like, "Yeah, just toss the baby out the hospital window and I'll catch it as I jog toward home." On the way home Bethenny talks about how much she's changed over the last year and Jason says she's changed drastically in the last five days. She's so much warmer and people-friendly. They stare at Bryn and so far I'm thinking she looks like Jason. She has fair hair and her eyes and nose look like him. Jason thinks how sad it is that his parents lost their first-born child, but Bethenny reminds him that they now have this wonderful opportunity to love their grandchild and that Bryan's memory will live on in Bryn. More tears and hugging. This episode is killing me!

At home Julie is preparing for the arrival of Bryn and she's wrapping one of Bryn's blankets around Cookie so she can get used to the smell. That's probably a good idea, but I don't know about all the chatting Julie's been doing with Cookie trying to reason with her about the new baby. I somehow don't think that will work. Are they aware that Cookie is a dog? If not, they will be soon once an actual human baby is on the scene for comparison. Bethenny and Jason have arrived downstairs and can not for the life of them figure out how to detach the car sear from its base to take it out of the car. I mean, they seriously can't do it. It's hilarious because that's exactly how these car seats are. Same with buckling in the child. It's actually very simple, but until someone demonstrates it for you, you could drive yourself nuts trying to figure out the mechanics of baby car safety. Bethenny even mentions that she took a class on this and still can't figure it out. They call upstairs and Gina is dispatched to unlatch the car seat while Julie tries to talk Bethenny through it, which doesn't work.

"Gina, quick! We need to utilize your physics degree before you go back to mixing formula."

By the time Gina gets there Jason is beside himself frustrated. Bethenny says they've already gotten their money's worth from Gina because she was able to actually save their baby from living in the car. Bethenny's all good-humored about it, laughing that the idiots are home who can't get their baby out of the car. See Jason? It's okay.

When they open the front door it's time for the Big Introduction. Cookie tears over to the door to welcome home her mommy and daddy.

Cookie: "Is that baby meat I smell?"

Bethenny carefully sets the baby seat on the floor while Jason leashes Cookie just in case she feels like snapping. Cookie ends up being quite uninterested in the baby, which is better than wanting to eat her, so everyone is very relieved. Bryn's little nursery is all decked out in personalized decorations and gifts. Bethenny looks at everything gleefully and cries. She takes Bryn out to nurse her and Julie says she can't believe it's real. Bethenny says she doesn't care about anything. She doesn't even want to work, she just wants to love Bryn. There it is! Bethenny is officially a mommy! For me this was the sweetest moment because I'll admit that I wondered how Bethenny would adjust to motherhood. During all of the preparation she seemed determined to pick her life right back up and carry on, just with another person in the mix, but with plenty of staff to help with that. And here she is saying all she wants to do is love her baby. This is what it must feel like to be a mom. Excuse me while I go cry on my bed for a minute... Okay I'm better.

Cookie jumps up to sit next to Bethenny while she nurses Bryn and it's just like a Norman Rockwell painting. Bethenny tells Julie how much she loves her and how grateful she is to her for everything she's done. She HAS gotten very lovey-dovey. I like it.

Arcadia... Utopia... Bethenopia

A bit later Bethenny and Jason decide to take Bryn's hand and footprints to make a little craft project where the baby's first prints are framed. This doesn't even entail ink - there's just what looks like a carbon paper set or something where they press Bryn's hand or foot onto plastic and a print comes out on the other side. Bethenny is hilarious because she has to press Bryn's hand down and she almost loses it, saying she doesn't like forcing her to do things. Bryn just dangles in Jason's arms, totally unaware of anything. They have to try like 150 times before all five toes and all five fingers show up in the correct prints.

"Have we spilled enough of her blood for these freaking pictures?!"

Bethenny worries that Bryn will be traumatized for life (she's asleep). When Bryn squawks Bethenny wants to call the whole thing off. She cracks me up. Jason takes over and gets it done and Bryn survives physically and psychologically intact.

It's time to have a visitor! And that visitor is Buster! Hey Buster, how've you been? Recovering? Bethenny explains that her wedding was everything she ever dreamed of, so now that she's planning her baby shower, who better to help her than Buster? He's like Martin Short in Father of the Bride - or Frahnk, he does it all! Bethenny wants a girly pretty baby shower, but first things first, Buster gets to meet Bryn. I almost die when I notice that Bryn is wearing a teeny tiny Skinny Girl onesie. OMG, that is so freaking darling! And she's wearing little booties that look like red Mary Janes. Is Bravo on a quest to get me pregnant? Cause it's working. Buster doesn't get along with Cookie, but he's brought her a toy so so far all is well. Bethenny warns him, though, that Cookie can turn on him at any second. As for the shower, the main topic is what cake to serve and Bethenny is all skeptical that baby shower cakes look good and taste awful. There's our old Bethenny! Buster's got his work cut out for him.

Bethenny, he's already fantasizing about strangling you.

As he gets up to leave he has to move slowly so that Cookie doesn't attack. As he slips out the door she forgets all about the toy he brought her, growls, and charges. I think he made it out, but Cookie is psycho. Adorable, but psycho.

Meanwhile Jason has taken pity on Assistant Max and agreed to be his wingman in his quest for a date with the girl from Kristen Farrell Jewelry, who turns out to actually be Kristen Farrell. I didn't realize that this is the girl who owns the jewelry store! Fine. Good for her. I just love it when people under 25 are outrageously successful. Whatevs. Ahem! Anyway, Jason is going to buy Bethenny a "push gift," which is I guess a "thanks for giving birth to my child" gift, which is thoughtful and sweet. He brings Max along and they brainstorm outside the store about how to best make Max look good and land him a date. Once inside, however, Max totally freezes and decides this is not the appropriate situation to ask her out. He must be really nervous because in my experience, guys consider ANYTHING an appropriate situation to ask a girl out. This includes my friend who is a nurse being asked out by her patient who had just been circumcised. It also includes another friend being asked out by a guy who had just robbed her. I'm serious. See Max? You can do this. Well, he can't. Jason is perfect, he chooses what he'd like to buy and then asks the salesguy to show him the restroom, leaving Max alone with Kristen. He chats with her about her jewelry, wants to see the men's jewelry, compliments her, tries to be funny, but to no avail. Kristen seems amenable - she's laughing good-naturedly, but he still can't pull the trigger and Jason comes back from the restroom. FAIL.

"Did you design these flowers too? I love white and pink."

When Jason realizes Max is a weenie, he pulls Kristen aside and tells her that Max would like to take her out. Are you happy now Max? You look like a complete idiot. But now that Jason has opened the door, Max steps through it and asks Kristen if she'd like to have lunch. She says sure. Then he botches it all up, saying he had to ask or Bethenny would kill him. Oh come ON! Jason's like, "He's not asking you out for Bethenny, he's asking you out for himself." And Max is like, "Oh, right. Right." Just leave, Max. You got her number, now run. Try to redeem yourself later. Jason tells Max that was a little uncomfortable, but oh well, mission accomplished.

Ah, here we are in Dr. Amador's office. I've gotta say, I'm not too impressed with Dr. Amador. He just sits there listening to Bethenny and nodding. Which is also what we do while we watch the show. Could I get a PhD please?

Years of training, I'm telling you.

This time they discuss that it's scary to be a parent. The new insight we get from Bethenny is that she can't imagine her mother loving her as a tiny baby the way she loves Bryn, and that turning into the terrible relationship they have now. Yeah, that's baffling. I love, though, that Bethenny is determined to give her daughter a totally different experience than the one she had. Bethenny also admits that she's crying a lot lately. Dr. Amador nods.

Later we follow Jason and Bethenny through "A Night With Bryn." Every hour Bryn is stirring or fussing, so Jason swaddles her or Bethenny feeds her. Bethenny complains that she doesn't sleep when Bryn sleeps during the day so she's exhausted. And even though Gina is there to get up with Bryn, Bethenny still has to get up to pump or feed.

I like that Jason's wide awake too. It's like boot camp.

She tells us that motherhood is no joke. Julie comes into the bedroom at 10:30 AM to go over Bethenny's schedule with her, but Bethenny is so completely tired that she can't even start to think about her various work commitments. All these things that used to make up her busy life seem totally insignificant and unnecessary now that she's taking care of Bryn.

"A Pulitzer Prize? Skip it."

Bethenny begs Julie to push everything back so that she can sleep for a few hours before she has to get up to show Jason's friends the baby. She says the baby is like the Dalai Lama, with people coming from miles and miles to get a peek. Ha ha! "Have you seen the baby? You've GOT to see the baby!"

When she can put it off no longer, Bethenny turns her attention to work-related things, which for now means a meeting with stylist Robert Verdi to find outfits for her various appearances.

You can't feel the baby kick AFTER it's born, Robert Verdi.

She's brought Max along and Robert Verdi immediately says, "What is this, Little People Big World?" OMG, that's so funny and so mean. Max tries to rebut, saying, "My sister wants her jeans back." It falls a little short, pardon the verbiage. Robert Verdi rails on Max relentlessly, asking Bethenny if this is her new baby, hounding Max about what he wants to do with his life, on and on. So instead of a fitting session for Bethenny, this turns into a roast of Max. It almost seems like he's attracted to Max and doesn't know how to handle it. It's unprofessional and ridiculous, but Max stays dignified, even though he tells us later how mad it made him. Bethenny tells us she's never seen Robert acting like this and it made her very uncomfortable. Me too.

For our final scene we have Bethenny and Jason on their first Date Night since Bryn. They say that her due date is still four days away, so I guess Bryn is about five weeks old now. The purpose of Date Night is to reconnect without the baby, phones, or talk of the baby (good luck). Bethenny is SO excited to have her first Skinny Girl margarita since she's been pregnant.

Bryn will be enjoying some Skinny Girl milk tonight!

Jason toasts to their first Date Night and to Bryn's beautiful mom. I'm gonna cry again. Bethenny savors her drink and then Jason presents her with the bracelet he got from Kristen Farrell. It's a set of three delicate bracelets, one representing Bethenny, one representing Jason and one representing Bryn. They discuss adding onto it as their lives go on, which may mean... more babies! They kiss and love each other and their new life as parents. I sob.

Next time on the season finale (already?)! We attend the baby shower where Buster freaks out about the cakes. Julie freaks out on Max for not having his assistant act together, and RAMONA stops by to visit the Dalai Lama. Bethenny is supposed to go away overnight for work and she's freaking out about leaving Bryn. And here she thought it would be a chance for a good night's sleep!

This was my favorite episode so far. It was totally mushy, but I just loved seeing that side of Bethenny, who has always been so tough and together. What did you guys think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Bethenny Getting Married? Birthin' Baby

Baby's first feature story

Welcome to another exciting episode of Bethenny Getting Married?! Tonight Bethenny demonstrates what it's like to have a baby when you have a paid team of people to do everything for you except physically push the baby out. Sound realistic? Let's see, shall we?

It's five weeks before the due date and Bethenny has decided to get a little better informed about baby safety. Seems wise. She goes back to Rosie Pope Maternity for a baby CPR session. She's there with two other pregnant women who seem to know what's going on, but the whole idea of a baby choking mostly just makes Bethenny panic.

What to do if your baby doll talks back.

She asks a few silly questions, makes a few silly comments, and giggles. Everyone takes it good-naturedly because they get to be on TV. Once she has sufficiently rescued a couple of rubber baby dolls she's ready to learn how to put a baby seat in a car.

"So I do this BEFORE the driver hits the gas?"

Seriously, you guys. The little girls on MTV (16 and Pregnant) figure this out, so I think Bethenny will be fine. She just needs to make sure that Julie and Max read all the car seat instructions.

Later on Bethenny's friend Lauren stops by the condo. We met her in episode one when she was still pregnant, but now she's got a month-old baby boy. And a baby nurse. The big test here is how Cookie will react to the baby - which incidentally is to bark. Bethenny worries to Lauren that she won't be getting any sleep, to which Lauren responds, "Well you'll have a nurse."

"I mean, who gets up with their own baby? Aha ha ha ha!"

Okay. I've got to take a minute here. A nurse? The first time I heard of this was on Sex and the City when Miranda got a baby nurse. I've been around babies my whole life and no one I have ever known had a baby nurse. (Except for Scarlett O'Hara and she's just my literary friend... and she owned slaves.) Lauren's nurse is named Gina and we learn that she's about done serving her time with Lauren and then will be moving on to Bethenny. Is this newborn care for the extremely wealthy? Am I missing something here? I mean, most moms get up with their own babies, no? I'm not saying it's easy - I just had no idea there was an alternative. Bethenny guesses that she won't be on her regular work schedule for a while. Good guess, there Bethenny. Most women take a maternity leave. Lauren says that people stop her in the street, which she loves, but which will probably annoy Bethenny. Well, in that case Max can just walk the baby.

It's now time to set up the nursery because Bethenny has entered her nesting phase. She tells us that she's craving order for the baby's room. This, of course means that Max and Julie are summoned to make sense of the pile of products hanging out in the nursery while Bethenny supervises and makes snide comments from the couch.

"I mean it, Max. I'm nesting hard core. Get to work."

She immediately starts in on Max about his hair and eyebrows and he informs her that while she was on her honeymoon he went out with a girl he met a while back at Bethenny's JCC event - the one where he didn't have a car ready for her quick enough. Bethenny wonders why she didn't know about this and Max says it was "mad DL," which he then explains means "on the down low." I'm not convinced that Max is straight. Especially when he talks about tweezing his eyebrows then says, "mad DL." But for good measure Max would also like to take out a girl who works at the jewelry store that sponsored Bethenny's engagement and wedding rings. After practicing how he should ask her out we move onto another day.

It's early morning and Bethenny's water has broken all over the bed. It happened during the night and Bethenny just had a trickle on her leg. She says it's not like in the movies where water gushes down your legs all over the place. They call the doctor and he tells them to come to the hospital... it's time!

Cookie will clean up the mess on the sheets.

Bethenny and Jason decompensate into their respective manic personality modes. Bethenny's like, "Call Julie! Call Julie! I've got the Today Show! I've got QVC!" Jason's like, "I'm calling my parents and my best man and my frat brothers..." Can either of them think about getting to the hospital? I'm gonna say it, folks. These two are a hot mess. They're cute and mostly endearing, but when it comes to running their lives they are totally hopeless. This explains why Bethenny has an entire staff to spoon feed her through each day. And now a baby nurse will be joining the team. With this many people, she should have nothing to worry about - ever. And all she does is stew and fret and wonder how she'll ever get organized. This morning is no different. I get that it's five weeks sooner than expected, but really all Bethenny can do is yell at Jason to make a list for Julie. And all Jason wants to do is call people.

"Dude, I think my wife is in labor! Did you catch Burn Notice last night?"

Bethenny's like, "We didn't just get engaged. There's water coming out of my vagina!" Ha ha ha! Jason won't get off the phone and Bethenny's getting more and more worked up. Julie arrives cool as a cucumber all ready to clear Bethenny's schedule. Bethenny wants to take a shower and Jason starts looking up what they're supposed to do in a baby book... seriously.

"It says here to choose a name. Wait, wrong chapter."

As far as I know Julie is a single gal with no kids and she's the one who seems to know best what these two are supposed to do.

The part about this that surprises me the most is that it doesn't seem to be a huge emergency. I guess movies do trick you because you always picture a woman in labor screaming and about to give birth in the car on the way to the hospital. Bethenny's fine (well, physically) and they both have time to take showers and then bounce off the walls wondering where to start. But she's not in any pain and the baby isn't coming down the birth canal. They have a cute moment in the kitchen while Julie organizes the hospital bag and they talk to each other about being mommy and daddy.

On the way to the hospital Bethenny requests a bagel because she's starving. Jason promises he'll get her one after they get checked in at the hospital. Then they argue over whether the baby nurse will be there the first night they get home. Jason thinks that his mom will be enough help, but Bethenny isn't used to doing stuff on her own.

"Lauren got a nurse the first night home!"

Jason calls Julie to give her yet another list of things to do and she's already waiting for them at the hospital. This girl is incredible. I would hate to be her, but she's got this personal assistant stuff down pat. I hope she's able to have a life of her own one day. And I hope Bethenny pays her well.

Max shows up at the hospital entrance to receive his orders and Julie comes down and tells him he has to pick out and purchase a bassinet and then pick up some underwear for Bethenny to wear home from the hospital - all she had at home were thongs, which... ouch. Max is all flustered because he has no idea what a bassinet is and he's only ever picked out female underwear for himself. I kid, I kid.

Bethenny and Jason are documenting the entire labor with a home video camera - I'm guessing the crew isn't allowed into the maternity ward. It's now hour three and Julie is showing up with more flavored ice for Bethenny. Remember how she was starving? Well, the only thing she's allowed to eat during labor is Italian ice. That's something else no one tells you. Bethenny wants to know if Julie's going to get everything organized. What do you think, Bethenny? This is the woman who makes your life happen every day. Bethenny tells Julie that Jason is totes relieved that they had sex this week, since now it's going to be a while. Run, Julie!!!

Ah, here's Max shopping for panties.

"Yes I love that fabric. It's so soft against my - ahem, HER skin."

A sales girl is showing him some stretchy options in a bikini and boy short... then she moves on to thongs. Max is like, "I know she wears thongs! Yes!" Oh crap. This was the whole point of the underwear purchase! No thongs! Max tells us that he has four years of college education and this is his job - buying underwear. Welcome to the world, Max! I spent the first three years out of college three-hole punching papers and two years out of grad school watching my ridiculously overpaid boss call me using long distance codes (1 + area code + 7 digit number) from the adjoining office. It was during these disillusioning years that I realized I probably wouldn't mind giving up work to be a mom someday. At Bellini the sales girl shows Max what a bassinet is, but refuses to help him put it together there in the store. That will be Julie's job later at home.

At the hospital it's hour seven and Jason tells Bethenny that his mom called to tell Bethenny that HER mom called. Bethenny doesn't think this is something she wants to deal with just now. She would like to remain as relaxed as possible. Jason suggests Bethenny calls her back later. I keep thinking this isn't the time to even be discussing this, but honestly there's nothing else going on here. Another movie trick. I never thought that when having a baby you get to the hospital and just chill for hours on end. Bethenny and Jason talk to the baby into the video camera and it's super cute. This kind of stuff is what makes me baby hungry.

At hour 13 Bethenny's working on her 53rd Italian ice and they're thinking that it's still going to be 12 hours before the birth. Bethenny's ready to hit a bar or rent some porn.

...right after she wets the bed.

Julie and Max are back at the condo trying to put together the bassinet. Max is totally helpless. Hasn't he ever shopped at IKEA?

"The baby's head goes here?"

Julie ends up having to do most of it while Cookie watches and seems to sense her impending doom.

"It may be time to go over the wall."

Hour 14 and we're finally seeing Bethenny going through some contractions. This does not look fun. She's grabbing the railing on the hospital bed and trying to breathe through it.

"Jason, write down that Julie needs to have contractions for me."

And at home Gina is reporting for duty. Julie shows Gina her bed in the baby's room. Okay, Gina sleeps (or doesn't sleep) with the baby??? So Gina's the paid mom. What exactly will Bethenny be doing to participate? Julie is opening up baby gifts and asking Gina what they are and what to do with them. At one point she holds up some decorative soap and asks, "Do we need this?" Gina's like, "Uh, no." She also breaks out some "organic" diapers, which Gina quickly vetos for not being disposable. Word - that's crazy.

Bethenny's contractions are getting worse and she says she wants to know how high school girls have babies in bathroom stalls. It's like that show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. You didn't? Did you know that you were conscious? Bethenny's trying to decide whether she wants an epidural and she concludes that she does because she doesn't want to be a screaming wreck. Good choice. My sister told me she was glad she had an epidural because then she was able to concentrate on and enjoy the experience of giving birth. Me? I'm just terrified of pain. If I could get the epidural right when I become pregnant, that would be ideal. She gets the epidural and is on cloud nine. She wonders why anyone would choose not to.

I'm not sure insurance will cover spousal bed breakage.

Jason is also very relieved since now he doesn't have to watch her suffer. She also announces that she pooped, so she's ready to get some sleep. But everyone EXCEPT Bethenny sleeps. Julie is asleep in the room as well as Jason, while Bethenny is wide awake.

At 25 hours Bethenny is in a different hospital gown and tells us that the doctors have determined that she is too narrow and will have to have a C section.

All those contractions for naught.

We see her in the surgical shower cap ready to be wheeled in and Jason is putting on some sort of surgical jumpsuit. Then we fade into this shot:


Awww, little Bryn has arrived! I was expecting more of the birth, but of course we can't see the surgery and I guess we'll get some baby action next week. Including introducing Cookie to the baby and watching everyone BUT the baby's parents taking care of the baby. Yes, I'm exaggerating, but Bethenny's got a lot more help than most people, so I'm curious as to how hard she'll tell us it is and how much credit she'll take.

Okay mommies and mommies-to-be! What did you think about Bethenny's 25 hours of labor? Am I totally off base thinking that she really didn't have to do much herself here? How much help did you guys get??

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Bethenny Getting Married? I Hope So, They're on a Honeymoon

Never too early to get the baby in front of a camera.

Hey beloved readers! Welcome back to Bethenny Getting Married?! This week we go on an all-expenses-paid honeymoon to St. Barts courtesy of Bravo. This, of course, means that every single second is documented on film for our enjoyment. No privacy for the newlyweds when Bravo's footing the bill!

Before we dive in - THANK YOU all for your kind congratulations on my own 40 life-change unit event. I love the discussions that sometimes happen in the comments - last week was so interesting! I love hearing about your own weddings (and weddings-to-be) and the thoughts on changing your name and how that affects your marriage. You guys are just awesome! Thank you for sharing with me! Now, Kaykrenee asked for a pic or two of my glorious wedding. I didn't want to be too big of a narcissist, but since there was an actual request... ha ha. I'm putting a couple at the end of this recap - faces showing and all!

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming. Right away we are in St. Barts, which is in the French West Indies, according to the little caption on-screen. Our newlyweds emerge from their terminal at the airport with Jason pulling all the luggage and Bethenny hobbling along clutching a stuffed animal.

Let the unbridled passion begin!

She looks SOOOO uncomfortable. We're told that it's 7 weeks until the baby and I'm wondering who on earth let her fly? I thought you weren't allowed to fly that close to giving birth - am I wrong? Or did Bravo just give the TSA a fat bribe? What gives? Bethenny tells us she'd love to be the sexy bride, but she's a disaster. I can't imagine being hugely pregnant on my honeymoon because it was the best time of my whole life and being totally comfortable was crucial.

When they arrive at the hotel to check in they both have their hands on the counter and keep looking at their wedding rings. We totally did that too! I even took pictures of my husband's left hand because it seemed so cool that even his hand was married now.

"We're married. We just got married. We're married now."

The French girl behind the counter assures them that everything will be taken care of and wonderful. Then she drives them in a little golf cart down to their VILLA. Yes, they have an entire house on the beach... with their own pool! Wow, thanks Bravo. THIS is how to honeymoon. They take their clothes off and jump into the pool immediately. Bethenny laments to us that this is not how she ever thought her honeymoon would be. She always envisioned being her "hot rocket" self, which I guess means sultry and sexy, teasing and tempting her new husband at every turn. And instead she feels like Humpty Dumpty. She even says she ripped her pants. You know, flying couldn't have helped - that puffs you up like nothing else. As they frolic naked in the pool they notice an Iguana hanging out in the flowers and oh-so-thoughtfully name him Iggy.

Next it's off to the beach where Bethenny continues to complain about how big she feels and Jason tells her she's beautiful. She's seriously waddling, BUT honestly, she has only herself to thank (well, maybe Jason too).

"Did I mention how big and gross I feel?"

As they lie in the surf Jason says, "I love you, Mrs. Hoppy." Awwwwww, okay. Can something interesting happen?

Not this.

Ah, here we go. When they get back to their VILLA (it really just needs to be in all caps every time) they discover an enormous pile of animal crap in the middle of the living room floor.

"This would never happen to a Skinny Girl."

So disgusting. And disturbing. Bethenny starts dry heaving and wants to call front desk, but Jason goes to clean it up since it's their own fault for leaving the door open. Really, that's awful. They start searching through everything to see if Iggy is still hanging out in their room waiting for another chance to relieve himself. Jason keeps talking about what a great poop it was and how Iggy must feel so good right now.

"Look hon. It's just like if our baby poops all over the house!"

Thank you Jason, that's lovely. He gets it cleaned up and outside while Bethenny tries really hard not to lose her entire stomach all over the place. So romantic.

On morning three of the honeymoon our newlyweds embark on a little craft project of waxing Bethenny's hairy belly. Apparently hair grows on that line that appears down the middle of the pregnant stomach.

The stuffed dog can't bear to watch.

Now THIS is every girl's honeymoon dream. Her new husband waxing the hair off of her stomach. Well, at least they're comfortable around each other. Jason goes, "Why do you grow hair when you get pregnant like that?" And Bethenny goes, "Jason, ask God. What do you want from my life? I don't know." HA! She sounds so defeated. Like she would so love to feel sexy and attractive but it's just not going to happen.

Over lunch they discuss the big name change. Bethenny wonders when she'll be Mrs. Hoppy and when she'll still be Bethenny Frankel. She HAS built an entire brand on Bethenny Frankel, so it's kind of a dilemma. She says she likes B. Hoppy. Like don't worry be hoppy. Jason's like, "Thanks, I've never heard THAT before." Sorry Jason, your name kinda sucks. Bethenny tells us that Jason wants her to take his name so that he can have ownership over her, like she's his slave. All right, calm down Bethenny. She's kidding people, but still. As was brilliantly discussed in the comments last week, the name change is very important to the cohesiveness of the family. I've always planned to change my name when I got married, but I'm sure it will take a while before it feels normal. I've had my maiden name for 33 years - HOLLA Kdognatl! I'm a "mature" bride too!!! But yeah, Jason and Bethenny are on the doorstep of parenthood and she really should get on board one way or the other. Anyhoo, there is a small child screaming nearby and they start talking about being parents. Bethenny can't wait to be called Mommy, but neither of them has experience babysitting and neither one of them has ever changed a diaper! What?! Is this because they live in New York and it's a totally different culture there? How do you live a whole life and NEVER be around a baby?

Later Bethenny is still wallowing in her pregnant state and tells Jason that she bought him a windsurfing lesson so that at least one of them can enjoy the delights of St. Barts to the fullest. While Jason tries to windsurf Bethenny watches a little toddler girl running around on the beach. This child is obviously not American because she's running around in only her swimsuit bottoms and floaties. It's only in America that we feel the need to fully dress our children in public. Anyway, Bethenny watches this little girl and her family - including another nearly naked little girl - and gets very teary and emotional. I'm sure this is partly due to pregnancy hormones, but when Jason comes back she cries about how this is the last time they'll ever be alone and they never took any time for themselves, and now everything is about to change.

"And I'm faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!"

She's worried about maintaining her career at it's current level while trying to be a mom (good luck with that). Jason tries to reassure her that he'll be there to help and they can do it.

"Our assistants will really have to step it up. So will the nanny."

On day 6 of the honeymoon Bethenny announces that she'd like to go on a "food crawl," which I guess is like a pub crawl, but with food instead of booze. She attributes this, of course to her pregnancy, but I protest. I LOVE doing "food crawls" in new cities. I would say that a good chunk of the excitement on my honeymoon was the restaurants. We carefully chose - and photographically documented - every meal we had. It was divine. Bethenny and Jason start out with escargot, which I've never tried, but probably would. Bethenny is seriously loving this and when they leave to walk around the town all she can talk about is finding more food. I love her. At their THIRD stop for their THIRD lunch (did I mention I love her?) they are served some sort of red pepper that Bethenny volunteers to try. She tears a tiny piece off and eats it - then almost chokes to death. Apparently it is hot enough to send her into labor.

So I'm guessing no pepper crawl?

Jason doesn't want to be left out and he eats some too, then they are both in a world of hurt. I learned on Food Detectives that dairy products detach the "hot" molecules found in spicy foods from your tongue so it's good to drink milk or eat sour cream when you're burning from a pepper. Jason and Bethenny have pina coladas that don't seem to be helping. The chef comes out and laughs, asking them if it's good. I wonder if he'll be laughing while he delivers Bethenny's baby right there in his restaurant.

For their last night on the honeymoon Jason has arranged for them to have dinner at a private table set up in the middle of a swimming pool - I guess they're back at their hotel. It's lovely and romantic - totes private except for the camera crew. They're both a little sad that the honeymoon is ending, but they're excited to start their family. Jason even volunteers to change the first diaper. I wonder how long that enthusiasm will last. It's not gonna seem cute at three in the morning when you've got a 6 AM meeting, Jason. Just sayin.

Back in New York Bethenny has enlisted Chuck, one of her gay besties, to go baby shopping with her. On and on she goes about how gross she feels and that she thinks she's having a girl - I'm surprised that Jason and Bethenny have the patience to wait for the birth to find out. In the first store Bethenny is mesmerized with the tiny baby dresses - those get me every time - but they've got to pick out furniture for the as-yet non-existent nursery. They're at a store called Yoya and Bethenny spots a bright green stuffed elephant she'd like to have in the nursery. Cristina, the owner of Yoya, is no dummy and offers Bethenny the elephant for free. This segment of the program is sponsored by Yoya apparently.

Get your head out of the branding, Chuck!

To thank Cristina, Bethenny and Chuck take the elephant and head to another store to buy everything else. Screw you, Yoya! It's off to Bellini for the rest of the nursery. The Bellini ladies ask what Bethenny's having and she says it has to be a girl. She tells us that it just has to be healthy with 10 fingers and 10 toes... and a vagina. Hee! The Bellini ladies offer to do the needle test where they dangle a needle over Bethenny's belly. If the needle sways up and down it's a boy and if the needle sways in a circular motion it's a girl.

The miracle of modern science. In a baby store named for a cocktail.

It goes in a circle, so Bethenny is convinced and starts picking out girly stuff. This is making me want a baby so let's move on quickly.

It's over to Dr. Amador to analyze the wedding, honeymoon and upcoming birth. Bethenny tells him how happy she was on her wedding day, but that she's realized that she's crammed all of these huge events into a tiny period of time in her life and that it's made her a little sad, but she's ready to move on and become a mother. They talk about finding balance, which I've got to say, Bethenny isn't good at. She's constantly overwhelmed and in headless chicken mode. It will be interesting to see how a baby figures into the equation.

And finally, Bethenny has decided to do a nude pregnancy photo shoot. Um, okay. I think this is becoming quite en vogue ever since Demi Moore appeared naked and hugely pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair. I can see that this is a beautiful time of life and all, but it also seems so PERSONAL - a word not in Bethenny's vocabulary I'm sure. She's sprawls across her bed in nothing but lace panties, feeling, of course, fat and uncomfortable.

"Stop looking at my hideousness! Can you fix the light on my boobs?"

She remembers her last nude photo shoot with PETA and how different she felt then. No one's holding a gun to your head, Bethenny. The pictures DO actually look very ethereal and sweet - I'm just not sure the general public needs to see them, but see them we have, indeed.

And later Jason joins Bethenny for lunch and an ultrasound. Okay, just an ultrasound, but it sounded more like a date my way.

Jason behaves so he can get a lollipop.

They still don't want to know the sex. Bethenny says it just looks like a blob and it could be a platypus for all she cares, as long as it's healthy... and a girl. The technicians say everything looks great so that's good.

Next week! The baby comes five weeks early! Jason and Bethenny have their own little video camera to document everything and it looks very amusing.

So what do you think? How did you like the St. Barts honeymoon? What kind of parents do you think these two are going to be?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

And now, by popular request (meaning one) here are a couple of pics of Mr. and Mrs. Honey Gangsta!

The GQ shot.

The first dance. If you could see my face it would be a crying mess.