Deep Thoughts on The Second Coming of Brad

Grab your ankles, Brad!

Welcome back to The Bachelor! I’m so used to dissecting this show that I couldn’t sit and watch without writing down some notes. I can’t recap the two hour episodes each agonizing segment at a time, so I’m just going to present my general thoughts on what happened and leave the rest open to discussion. Shall we?

First off, an intro to The Second Coming of Brad (and his giant cross tattoo). While Brad is boobing over all the bloggers calling him selfish, I beam proudly. I was one of those bloggers! I was one of those who thought he acted like a huge jerk! I wonder if Brad read my posts about him and if it was something I said that prompted him to go to therapy. I wonder if I’m on the pie chart! I can only hope. While we’re on the subject, here are some examples of what I actually said:

This is a hard one, guys. I don’t know what to feel because most of the time the couples break up anyway, so it seems stupid for Brad to propose to DeAnna just to break up on TMZ next month. It even seems stupid to keep dating. But no matter how dumb it seems I always feel bad for the girl who gets rejected and this time it was both of them! And I agree with DeAnna that it doesn’t make sense for Brad to repeat over and over how she has everything he’s ever wanted but he’s not interested in ever seeing her again. That part doesn’t make sense at all. If having everything he’s ever wanted isn’t enough, then what is?

Brad says it’s just that “something” wasn’t there. DeAnna wants to know how Brad can look at her and tell her that she has everything he’s ever wanted and then let her walk out of his life. She doesn’t understand what he’s scared of. Brad says he doesn’t understand either and he’s not perfect. Typical guy answer – no explanation. He says she deserves more, which is another typical answer I’ve heard guys say, both to myself and to friends. It makes me wonder why guys aren’t inspired to be more when they find someone who they think deserves more. How about questioning what you can bring to a relationship and what you can do to make DeAnna’s life better instead of standing around waiting for butterflies?

So that’s it. I’m not impressed with Brad’s explanation. I understand it, but I’m not impressed. It’s not that I believe he should have proposed or even kept dating when there were no feelings there, it’s that he insisted time and again that there were feelings there, just not fairy dust and fireworks. Just not the amazing lightning bolt he was waiting for.

All this was, of course, before we got to know DeAnna better and realize she’s a huge biz-natch. Then she went and gave HER final rose to someone who was all wrong for her and broke up with him, too. I guess I just thought Brad weenied out at the end by not picking someone. Instead of picking someone then weenie-ing out behind our backs. Either way, Brad is back and he’s a broken man.

Deep Thoughts on Episode 1

• Brad seems to think that if he does indeed present himself as a broken man, then all should be forgiven. In other words, he’s going to play up the “broken man” bit.
• Brad’s therapist shows up to give a sound byte just to put the glow of legitimacy on everything. He should have his license stripped.
• Ashley is a southern belle nanny who lives in New York City. She tells all about how her dad died so she knows what love is, which I find to be a very manipulative introduction.
• Michelle from Salt Lake City cuts hair and has a child. From what I’ve observed of the dating scene in SLC, she shouldn’t even be here. Girls who cut hair in SLC have no trouble getting men. The child is a bonus. She makes men feel very smart and needed. My husband claims to know Michelle because he used to date a girl who cuts hair and therefore “runs in those circles.” See what I mean?
• Madison is a vampire.
• Emily shares that she has a very special love story. Stop right there. If you have a very special love story then why are you here? You don’t get TWO very special love stories. Anyway, her fiance died in a plane crash while she was pregnant with his baby.
• Supposedly the girls don’t know who the Bachelor is going to be. PUH-LEASE. If any of them leave I’ll believe it. And not leave because they’re mad, but because they recognize this is as the gimmick that it is and decide it’s not worth their time.
• Chris Harrison wants to chat of course. He says that Brad must really believe in THIS to be coming back for more. He believes in this process so much that even though it totally failed the first time around, he wants to try it again.
• Brad tells us he’s a better man now because of his therapy. And PS he was abandoned by his father when he was little, so that should clear everything up.
• Brad would like to tell Jenni and DeAnna, “I get it. I’m sorry.” They’re HERE!
• Jenni giggles and DeAnna still looks pissed off from three years ago. Isn’t she engaged now? Time to move on, crazy.
• DeAnna STILL resents putting herself out there just to get rejected. I bet Jesse Csincsak does too, DeAnna. Shut up.
• Jenni thinks the girls’ guards will all be up since Brad hurt people in the past. Don’t ALL Bachelors hurt people? Like every girl on the show but the last one? Then they hurt her too?
• Both girls hope Brad can find what THEY’VE found, and DeAnna is especially vehement. This makes me want to call up an ex boyfriend to have it out and then taunt him with my wedding pictures. Are you sorry now? ARE YOU?????
• Brad fears rejection and Chris tells him not to screw it up.
• The girls in the limo know Brad’s entire name before the limo stops. Nice mystery.
• The first girl slaps him (as seen in previews), which, PLEASE. So planned! Brad’s like, “Ha, ha. I deserved that. Shucks.” Broken man.
• Most of the girls shake the proverbial finger at Brad for “what he did.”
• Brad wants to apologize and “explain himself” to everyone. What he should do is flip off everyone, including ABC, and get on with his life.
• Brad “loves” many of the girls.
• Madison has actual FANGS. Uh, Twilight much?
• One thing we need to know: Brad has changed! People change! I’ve CHANGED!!
• One girl makes Brad kneel down and propose. That’s not desperate or anything.
• Jill jumps out of the limo and starts off by saying she’s ready to get married. Guys love that.
• There is a girl named J.
• Keltie is a Rockette and high kicks her way out of the limo. I totally thought she was a stripper.
• Britt is a food writer who looks like she’s never taken a bite of anything in her life.
• Brad gives a Big Speech to all the girls, promising not to hurt anyone this time. Anyone? Even if he does exactly what they want, the best case scenario is that he hurts EVERYONE but one girl.
• The girls all babble about wanting to be sure Brad will choose someone so they won’t get screwed. Ladies, you’re all getting screwed.
• Brad is an absolute mess. Does he flog himself before bed every night? This is embarrassing.
• The moral of this episode is: Give Brad a chance, m’kay? GIVE HIM A CHANCE!

What are YOUR deep thoughts on The Second Coming?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta