Real Housewives of OC: The Bunco Wars

Previously on The Real Housewives of Orange County, Alexis learned that she needs to get her nose chiseled down in order to keep from suffocating.

So here we are at Bunco and everyone’s husbands and boyfriends have just walked in all dressed up in 80s gear.

"How could Tamra do this when she knows my printer broke?"

Vicki’s mad that Slade was invited after he just made fun of her in front of 300 people. 300? It was on TV, Vic. Count again. And Alexis is mad that Jim wasn’t invited. She assumes it’s because Tamra wants to hurt her. I assume it’s because Jim went out of his way to announce that he was done hanging out with all these losers and wouldn’t be attending anymore of their stupid parties.

When Slade hears that Gay Bestie was getting his panties in a bunch about the Improv show, you can see the joy flood over his face as he senses his opportunity to dive headlong into a fight.

"Bring it on. I have a new life calling. Being funny."

He summons Gay Bestie and informs him that “It’s comedy. If you don’t like it then don’t come to the show.” Gay Bestie goes, “I DIDN’T go to the show.” Which cracks me up, but gets lost in Hurricane Vicki, who wants to know how insulting people could possibly be funny. Hmm, she must not frequent TVgasm. Slade condescendingly tells the room that the show was indeed very funny, so Vicki gathers her things and says she has more important things to do, like go and be with her daughter. She drives home for a long overdue heart-to-heart with Briana. Oh wait, no she doesn’t. She just steps outside the restaurant, seethes, and walks right back in. Somehow what happens next is that Slade kind of falls by the wayside and Vicki and Gretchen scream it out. Vicki says it’s cruel to make fun of her looks. Gretchen says it’s just as cruel to call Slade a deadbeat dad. Vicki screams that she’s a mother and has no respect for men who don’t pay child support. Gretchen screams then why is she dating Brooks.

"At least MY boyfriend had the good sense to outrun the cops!"

Vicki screams that Brooks is all caught up. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Better find a new soapbox, Vicki. Her head almost pops off as she screams at Gretchen that she’s not a mother and doesn’t understand.

"How dare you? Brooks is old and can't run fast!"

Alexis covers her ears, because bruised eardrums might obstruct her airways. Vicki keeps acting like she’s leaving, but can’t resist screaming responses when Gretchen says she has a double standard. Tamra finally ushers Vicki outside, Gretchen bursts into tears, and Slade laughs gleefully. Douche. On top of everything else, he lets Gretchen fight his battles while he’s right there.

While Vicki foams at the mouth, Tamra tells her that she’s chosen to remove herself from this and so should Vicki because honestly Slade isn’t worth it, which is totally true. When he’s sitting there explaining to everyone that his comedy was funny, you know there’s a problem. He just stood on stage embarrassing himself, so what’s the point in screaming about it now?

"Seriously, though, Vicki. What's up with Brooks?"

Vicki tells Tamra that it’s okay that Brooks WENT TO JAIL for not paying child support because “everyone gets behind.” LOL and congrats, Vicki. You’re dating Old Slade. When will he be moving in and taking his manager’s cut?

Back inside, Heather has been presiding over the proceedings like a den mother. She scoffs to us that she can’t believe she’s being called upon to endure such barbarism - on a school night, nonetheless. Then she gets comfortable to watch what will happen next. And what happens next may be the most shocking thing of all. Tamra eats carbs. In the form of a baby churro.

Seconds before Tamra realizes that's not a skinless boneless chicken breast.

Tamra tells Heather’s plastic surgeon husband that she wants a boob reduction. Huh? Are the saline bags adding water weight? Gretchen mentions that Alexis is going in for surgery next week to get her nose fixed because her sinuses are blocked. Tamra snorts that a lot of people use that excuse to get a nose job. Terry chimes in and says that sinuses are under your cheeks and have nothing to do with your nose. This tickles Tamra and they high five. Well! Alexis has heard every word of this from her table and it’s time for a lecture. She gives a speech about knowing exactly where her sinuses are and that she’s ONLY getting her beak carved down because she’ll be asleep anyway. Furthermore, Terry should mind his own patients and leave her alone.

"Did we sign up for an idiot symposium?"

Heather tells Alexis that Terry had no idea they were talking about Alexis because 1) Gretchen referred to her as Lex, and 2) Terry just met these people and has no clue about their surgical habits or nicknames. Not good enough! Alexis instructs Terry that he shouldn’t be making fun of ANYONE like that, whether it’s her or some hypothetical woman desperately needing corrective surgery. What’s interesting here is that all Terry has done is point out where sinuses reside. But Alexis is on a roll and continues her discourse.

"My otolaryngologist has recommended that I have my osseocartilaginous framework reconfigured. And it's none of your business."

Tamra finally interrupts her and says that her nose is big and if she’s getting it fixed she should just own it. Alexis is really pissed because she would never DREAM of getting her “bump fixed” if she didn’t have this other serious medical problem as well. Everyone in the room and watching this has SO lost interest by now in the whys and wherefores of Alexis’s stupid nose job. They try to tell her as much, but Alexis insists that she HEARD their conversation. She knows when she’s being attacked. Heather comes and stands over Alexis like a mom talking to an errant toddler and very clearly states that no one was making fun of her. Suddenly Alexis is calm and says that Heather is the only one irritated. I think that’s just Heather’s natural demeanor. And for the record, now I’M irritated.

Next item of business is for Alexis to scold Gretchen for not standing up for her. Gretchen should totally have laid the smack down on Terry for saying that sinuses are under your cheeks. Gretchen is trying to be friends with Tamra now, so she doesn’t want to stop her from laughing at Alexis. Alexis’s harangue becomes a laundry list of her sinus troubles and she must be on a loop because she keeps insisting that she ALWAYS defends Gretchen and deserves the same in return. Like how earlier in the evening when Vicki was screaming at Gretchen and Alexis sat there silently with her fingers in her ears. Can’t Gretchen do as much for her?

Heather and Terry complete their evening out with a haughty conversation about Alexis needing a brain lift and an IQ test. They’re not wrong, but I wish they’d just go home to Billionaire’s Row.

Aww, Briana and Donn are having a beer and discussing life. Poor Briana isn’t sure where her loyalty should lie, even though it’s pretty clear she’s on Donn’s side. They discuss her upcoming surgery to have tumors and lymph nodes removed. She tells us she’d rather talk to Donn about it because Vicki just shakes her head and freaks out. Donn manages to not take Briana’s illness as a personal affront.

"And this is how I almost strangled your mother."

Elsewhere Gretchen and Slade are driving somewhere and Gretchen is reading text messages she’s received from Vicki berating her for insulting Brooks. Only Vicki gets to insult other people’s boyfriends. It’s not fair to do it back to her because she’s having a hard time right now.

In Alexis’s random weekly mini-scene, she tries on a couple of new gross Alexis Couture dresses for Jim. My eyes! This sort of assault on my eyeballs could quite possibly hinder my ability to breathe and force me to get a nose job.

Mommy Daughter Couture. Bringing tacky ho gear to the young masses.

Tamra stops by the insurance office to bring lunch to Vicki in a plastic cup. She’s here to make sure that everyone is over the Bunco party incident. Vicki explains again that it’s completely different for Brooks to go to jail for not paying child support because he feels really bad about it. Or something. Also, Tamra shouldn’t be friends with Gretchen. AND Vicki’s having a really hard time right now, so everyone should really be sending her flowers and cleaning her house. Not saying she looks like Miss Piggy. Don’t they know Briana’s getting surgery? Where’s the support?

"Not this week, Tamra. NOT THIS WEEK."

Speaking of surgery, Alexis is arriving for her sinus reparation. She’s not wearing makeup and is barely recognizable. Dr. Boobies explains how the surgery is going to go and Alexis is very relieved to learn that her nose won’t actually be removed. But it’s still gonna hurt, so she sobs to Jim that she’s terrified to wake up in pain. But she has to go through with it, I mean it’s not like this surgery is optional. It’s a medical emergency because if you can’t breathe you die. Jim says a prayer for the cameras to help Alexis come out of her surgery better arm candy. They walk Alexis into the OR and she has one final breakdown on the operating table before they mercifully knock her out with anastasia.

"What if I wake up in the middle of it and I see my nose in your hand?"

Guess who else is getting ready for surgery. Briana! She’s having her thyroid and lymph nodes removed to see if her recurring tumors are cancer. Instead of hysterical fits about possible pain, Briana is remarkably calm. But Vicki has lost her mind, telling us there’s a strong chance that Briana has cancer and asking Briana if she wants to bring along her g-strings to the hospital. Why didn’t she help Alexis pack?

"Should I grab your hot rollers and nail polish?"

On the drive to the hospital Vicki goes on and on about how miserable she is because this surgery business is causing her to worry about Briana. Briana begs Vicki to calm down, but Vicki uses the same line on Briana that she used on Gretchen - she’s not a mother so she can’t possibly understand what Vicki is going through. Yes Vicki, the person going into surgery can’t possibly understand the terrible position you are in having to worry about her. Then Vicki asks Briana - minutes from the hospital - if this isn’t something that can be handled holistically. Like with HERBS! Couldn’t Briana have called a cab? Surely this car ride is worse than any surgery.

Next week! Dr. Boobies breaks Alexis’s nose and Vicki continues her rough patch. She’s having such a hard go of it, you guys! Oh Briana gets her surgery too, but that’s only important because it makes Vicki nervous.

So whose side are you on? Gretchen or Vicki? Or Alexis? Or is everyone just awful?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta