Real Housewives of OC: Puppy Princess Party

Previously on RHOC, Vicki threw an event to announce to the world that her daughter’s recent marriage has ruined her year. 

We start off this week by joining Alexis walking an Event Stylist through her house.  This woman has been HIRED to STYLE a birthday party for Alexis’s 4-year-old twins.  Alexis tells us it will be a puppy princess party.  I think that means that royal canines will be in attendance.  She gives the Event Stylist a few instructions then leaves her so she can go get an airbrush spray tan in the kitchen.  Some other girl is there with a portable tent and spray tanning gear.  Alexis gets herself hosed orange and then continues the planning exercise in her bikini.

"Are we camping?  Because I only go glamping."

Yet another girl - Christina the Assistant - is on-hand to babysit Alexis’s children.  What a dream job.  The stylist leads a team of furniture movers through the house - you would think this is a wedding instead of a birthday party for toddlers.  Then again, those regal type dogs can demand a lot of space.  Alexis tells us that this party is going to be proof that she really can do it all.  Because what she’s done is hire people to do things for her while she freaks out about her spray tan. 

Elsewhere Slade is arriving at Newport Jewelers to pick out an engagement ring for Gretchen.  Oh, I do hope there’s a big proposal scene where Gretchen tells him to get real.  Slade has enlisted Heather to help him select jewelry, which means he better be prepared to spend some BIG money.  I think we all know what kind of taste Heather has and her opinions about men making financial commitments.  Slade tells Heather that he’s already spoken to Gretchen’s father, which makes Heather want to cry.  That’s pretty funny because Gretchen’s father told Slade he was a loser and his daughter wasn’t going to even consider marrying him.  That’s called “selective reporting,” Slade.  Heather asks if Slade wants to start with a ballpark figure, but Slade says he wants to do the opposite and find what Gretchen wants, then talk price.  Brilliant plan for someone with no money and Heather as a shopping partner.  The first ring the guy shows Slade is bright yellow and costs a quarter of a million.  That’s what happens when you work backwards, Slade. The next option is also rather homely and costs 40 grand.  Slade has a eureka moment and asks if he can put a fake diamond in the setting, then propose and work his way up to a real stone (what, in 45 years?).  Heather looks like she’s about to throw up.

Slade:  "I mean, if it's good enough for Alexis..."

The jeweler guy is like, “Uh, no.  We don’t do that.”  Yeah, this isn’t the jewelry section of Wal-Mart.  I don’t think they have a layaway program.  Hey!  I just realized where Slade SHOULD be shopping!  Heather switches gears and suggests a plain band because after all, Gretchen loves him and won’t care so much what the ring looks like.  You can almost see Heather physically deflating.  So much for a financial commitment.  She impresses me, though, by staying outwardly positive and not ripping Slade a new one (not that he doesn't deserve it).  Heather’s turning out to be the mommy of the group.  Slade says he’s going to have to go home, regroup, and come back later.  I take that to mean he’s going to hurry up and manage a few things for Gretchen so that he can charge her for his time, take his cut of her earnings and put it toward a real (small) stone for her engagement ring.

Speaking of rings, Tamra is arriving at Terry’s surgery center to get her “ring” tattoo removed.  Wait, Terry’s a plastic surgeon?  How come we never knew that?  It’s weird how Tamra says “ta-ttoo” with a glottal stop in the middle of the word.  It’s also weird that she keeps running to the bathroom because she has diarrhea and continues to announce it.  Tamra’s had the Simon tattoo lasered seven or eight times and it’s not coming off.  Careful what you tattoo on your body, smarty pants.  She mentions that Eddie told her he’d get her a ring if she’d get the tattoo removed.  Oh geez.  It’s kinda cool that Terry can just numb up Tamra’s finger and slice out the section of skin with Simon’s name on it.

"Just another day removing body parts to placate my boyfriend."

While he does this Tamra talks about how she needs to move her kids in with Eddie because it’s about time they had a stable factor in their lives, right?  Please just remember to ta-ttoo Eddies name along your collarbone first because this time it’s for reals.

Oh, let’s check in on Vicki and see how terrible her life is today.  Her brother Billy is in her kitchen and they discuss - again - Briana’s grand betrayal.

"Having my mother-of-the-bride gown custom designed would have made such a great spin-off series.  Can't Briana ever think of others?"

Vicki tells in disbelief how Briana thinks she’s still going to get a full blown wedding with the white dress and everything.  Of course, what Briana really deserves is to be banished for life from the gated communities of Orange County.  Unless she decides to accept Brooks, of course.  After that she can come back home - but still no wedding.  Billy wants to know if it’s going to be weird to have both Brooks and Donn at the wedding, if there is a wedding.  Vicki says it won’t be weird because Donn knows the score.  He let her go and Brooks picked her up.  As if Vicki is some hot commodity. 

And it’s time for the puppy princess party.  Remember Shannon?  Alexis’s makeup girl / hired friend?  Well she’s here this morning to put makeup on the twins who are turning four.  It’s not a children’s birthday party until little girls look like trashy hookers!  Alexis watches and keeps egging Shannon on to put MORE makeup on the toddlers.  It’s never too early!

"Mastering this technique will get you lots of presents, honey."

To emphasize the puppy theme Alexis has arranged to have a puppy adoption take place at her house.  I’m certain that each puppy is the son or daughter of the King and Queen Dog. Alexis talks about her birthday parties from when she was little and how she’d have a couple of friends over and her mom would make a cake from a box.  Oh, and how she thought those were the best parties ever.  Guess what, Brainiac.  Your children would think the SAME THING!  You think they’re going to even remember their fourth birthday party?  You could have saved yourself a ton of money, an airbrush tan, and a team of 50 laborers and those little girls would have been every bit as happy.  You could have even painted their faces yourself.

Let’s take a detour over to Billionaire’s Row, where Gretchen is stopping by to take a look at Heather’s mansion.  They walk past the monogrammed marble floor and sit down in the lounge area of Heather’s bathroom where Heather offers Gretchen champagne.  I wonder if Heather ever leaves this preening area of her house.  I guess she does venture to the office sometimes to make phone calls.  Heather asks Gretchen about her relationship with Slade and Gretchen tells Heather what she told Tamra last week - that she doesn’t want to assume Slade’s financial disasters by getting married.  Heather panics and asks Gretchen if Slade knows this.  Does he understand that Gretchen’s not interested in getting married?  Gretchen’s like, I think so, why?  What did he tell you?  Heather gulps.

"How do you feel about stainless steel and cubic zirconia?"

Gretchen says she thinks that she and Slade need counseling and that she’s told him she wants to be pregnant by the time she’s 35 or 36 (she’s 34 now).  So that means he’d have to straighten out a lot of things immediately. Gretchen cries and says she can’t imagine being without Slade, but she doesn’t know what to do with his giant messes.  Heather strongly recommends the counseling.  When you’re bawling about the havoc your boyfriend has reeked upon the lives of others, this may not be a good time to be thinking about getting pregnant.

And back to the party where princess puppies are peeing all over Alexis’s house and ALEXIS is wearing a crown.  She brags to us that she found princess actors online to hire for the party.  See?  She really CAN do it all!  Please.  We all know Assistant Christina Googled those princesses and reserved them.  Alexis can’t even turn a computer on.  Small toddlers begin to arrive dressed as princesses, and then Alexis’s son James rings a bell and announces the entrance of his sisters.  But before they can descend the staircase triumphantly, Alexis decides that now would be an appropriate time to make a speech about the graphic details of the twins’ birth.  She goes on and on to her audience of small children and their parents about how she almost died of a pulmonary embolism and how she was strung out on Demerol and Morphine and that’s what this celebration is all about!  Alexis risking her life so that she could have little girls to put makeup on and the neighbors could have this party to come to.  The kids look completely bored and the parents look completely mortified.

"Where the hell are the princess puppies?"

Finally the twins come down the stairs wearing ball gowns and accompanied by Jimmy the Chin, as if this is their debut into Orange County society.  And later Alexis encourages the child guests to pester their parents into adopting one of the princess puppies on display because she certainly isn’t going to.  And after the girls have blown out the candles on a castle cake bigger than my wedding cake, Alexis announces the final surprise:  a horse-drawn Cinderella carriage.  To take them where?  Where will the four-year-olds be delivered in their pumpkin carriage?   I guess it will drive them around the block so that the whole neighborhood will be sure and know that the Bellinos have once again spent a truckload of money they don’t have.  Thank goodness there’s a camera crew to attract even more attention.

Later that night Heather is driving to pick up her son from football practice and she calls Terry to tell him she didn’t get the latest part she auditioned for.  I don’t believe it!  Heather is careful to remind us that she kind of doesn’t care because she doesn’t want to spend time away from her family.  Terry says this will leave her more time to concentrate on the restaurant.  Oh that’s right!  Heather has grand things to focus on and bring to Orange County.

In this week’s mini-scene, Alexis snatches someone’s newborn baby at the princess puppy party and dangles him in Jim’s face, begging him to let her have just one more baby.  Jonesing for another near-death experience to broadcast, Alexis?  Jim is like, “Get that thing out of my face unless it’s going to invest in my next venture.”

"If you want to have a baby to SELL, we can talk."

Let’s have dinner with Tamra and Eddie, shall we?  As they sit down, Tamra talks about looking at real estate spaces for her gym, I mean fitness studio.  I guess she’s really going to do that.  It’s too bad Bravo keeps bankrolling all of these projects for these people.  They also talk about moving the kids into Eddie’s house - the brilliant idea of the moment.  Tamra starts bawling and says that if Eddie has to deal with her kids he’ll leave her.  HA HA HA!  Eddie says not to worry, but if he ends up hating her kids then they’ll break up and oh well.  Someone’s keeping his options open.  Tamra sobs that Eddie could have any girl he wants, like someone much younger... like Simon’s girlfriend who is half his age, lives with him, and drives her kids home from school.  Eddie says yes he could, but he likes Tamra cause she’s hot AND smart.  AND she doesn’t care that he’s gay.  Most younger women are pickier about their boyfriends’ sexual preferences.  But she needs to get rid of the Simon tattoo.  Tamra whips out her hand and shows Eddie her fresh stitches.

"Say what now?"

Eddie passes out and falls onto the floor.  He was counting on never having to buy a ring because that tattoo seemed pretty permanent and even the laser people couldn’t get rid of it.  He only mentioned a ring after five unsuccessful laser sessions.  Now what? 

Let’s end the episode by making sure that life hasn’t gotten any kinder for Vicki and she’s still a tragic victim.  She shows up at Briana’s place to remind her what a horrible daughter she is for running away and spoiling all of Vicki’s dreams of the spotlight by eloping.  Also that Briana owes her big time, and that means embracing Brooks.  Briana says she’s still very concerned about Brooks and the fact that Vicki hasn’t been on her own since she was 19 and maybe she should be before she falls into a relationship with a con artist. Briana reminds Vicki that she’s still married and Vicki says she’s not rushing into a divorce because selfish Donn wants spousal support.  If he would just get up off her she could have been divorced six months ago. So if Briana wants to be mad at someone about Vicki’s situation, she should be mad at the man who raised her, not at the man who is currently out driving her mother’s car around and using her credit card to buy a new wardrobe.  We find out that Ryan has been married before, which I find mildly interesting.  Vicki found out on the internet, so Briana spouts off things about Brooks SHE read on the internet.  Like that he’s not taking care of his kids, and that he has four kids by three different women.  When she gets to this part, Vicki tries to shush her before it all gets on camera, but it’s too late.  Vicki’s defends Brooks by saying he’s never lied to her about anything.  Oh that’s a relief.  It doesn’t matter if a guy’s a total scam artist dead beat dad as long as he’s upfront about it.  Briana’s not impressed.  Vicki keeps insisting it’s her life and she’ll make the decisions about it.  I guess that doesn’t go for Briana, who is in her mid-twenties and living on her own.  Here comes Briana’s line about knowing more than Vicki thinks.  She says that Vicki has had an emotional relationship with Brooks for a long time and that emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating.  And she knows this because of things she’s seen on Vicki’s own computer.  Vicki gets up to storm out, telling Briana she’s out of line.  She insists that for once in her life she’s happy.  It’s not easy to be her!  Okay?  It’s NOT easy to be Vicki!  She has a really tough time, doesn’t anyone care?

"I don't even know if he has LIFE INSURANCE, Briana!  Life insurance!"

And she thinks Ryan is a creep for sneaking off with Briana, but she has to get over it because Briana is happy, and can’t Briana just want the same for Vicki?  She insists that nothing matters unless she’s close with her children and Briana goes, “Except your boyfriend.”  Oh snap!  She tells Vicki that she’s going to have separate lives with her children and her boyfriend.  Vicki can’t think of anything rational to say so she makes one more jab about Ryan and slams the door.

Next week!  Vicki tells Brooks that Briana called him an opportunist.  Gretchen and Slade go to therapy, and Tamra and Alexis have a lunch where Tamra tells Alexis she’s an extremely shallow person. I’m sure Alexis has no idea what that means.

So are we all resenting our parents now for not putting on a three ring circus when we turned FOUR?  There’s just no “us” without “u.”

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta