Catfish Recap: Ghetto Fabulous

We begin this evening’s episode by learning that Nev has 1200 unread emails in his inbox.  Yes, 1200 people are involved in a “bizarre online romance” and have become so frustrated with their progress that they have resorted to sending this Catfish guy an email begging for assistance.  This is only my humble opinion, but perhaps if it’s THAT frustrating and THAT difficult to make heads or tails of your online love, this isn’t the person for you.  Just sayin.  But I guess 1200 people can’t be wrong.  Can they?

Nev settles on an email from Jasmine, who has been chatting with a guy named Mike for two years.  Jasmine has a nine month old son (so I guess Mike was around through conception, pregnancy, birth, etc.) and Mike has kids too, so he totally understands Jasmine.  I also have a child, but don’t understand Jasmine as well.  They’ve never been able to meet up, which is odd because they only live 15 minutes apart.  Also, they’ve only talked on the phone a couple of times, so their relationship is mostly via text message.  Wow.  Oh and Mike is a modeling producer so he travels a lot.  So far this seems completely legitimate.  No red flags anywhere in sight.  What seems to be the problem, Jasmine?

"And how can I help you find the beauty within?"

Oh, she wants to meet Mike in person.  And the only way that will happen across those several prohibitive miles is if a camera crew is involved.  Nev and Max are immediately intrigued.  This Mike guy is clearly hiding something.  Let’s get to Atlanta and find out if he’s still hanging with his baby mama or what. 

When we meet Jasmine in person Nev asks her what is so special about Mike.  Jasmine says that he’s really funny and he’s a good listener.  And by that she means that he responds promptly to her text messages.  I’m not kidding - that’s how she defines “good listener.”

"Sometimes you just need someone who REALLY listens."

Also, Mike is independent and takes care of his kids.  Jasmine hopes he will be the man who loves her for who she is and shows her what a real man is like.  For starters I would venture to guess that real men will drive 15 minutes to see their women up close and personal.  But I’ve never been a modeling producer and had to deal with all that travel. 

Nev takes a look at Mike’s Facebook page.  His occupation is listed as “Model Coordintator at Government Central Model School.”

So he misspelled his own title and apparently there is a school for aspiring models being run by our government.  Sounds promising, no?  Also, Jasmine has asked Mike for photos besides the ones on his Facebook page, but all he sends her are the ones from his Facebook page.

"Sending you a classic... again."

He tried to call her once from New York on a business trip, but the service was bad and they got disconnected.  But she has a phone full of text messages!  Nev asks if Jasmine has considered that Mike is not exactly who he says he is.  Nev!  How dare you?  Jasmine says she’s quite confident that he’s who he says he is, but she IS worried that he might still be involved with his kids’ mother.  Nev and Max have heard enough.  They hug Jasmine goodbye and drive away discussing the great probability that this guy is total crap.

They arrive at their bed and breakfast to begin their intense Google investigation.  First off, the Government Central Model School is a regular school (like for children) in Pakistan.  It is not a government-run modeling agency here in the US.  Oops.  So either a) Mike has mistagged his employer and failed to notice, b) Mike listed what he thought sounded like a modeling agency in order to trick people (and he is intellectually challenged), or c) Mike is a school-aged child living in Pakistan who has listed his actual school, but lied about everything else.  Ha ha ha!  Take your pick, Jasmine!  Which of those would be less horrifying?

"So are we booking a flight to Pakistan?"

Nev and Max scroll through Mike’s public Facebook page and notice some messages on his wall from a girl named CeAnna, so they shoot her a message asking if she’d be willing to talk to them.  Of course that is no problem and CeAnna immediately sends her phone number.  Right.  If I got some sketchy Facebook message from someone wanting to ask me questions about my friend there is no way I would even respond.  Oh and also, the guys have Google image searched Mike’s picture and landed on another Facebook page with the exact same profile picture, but the guy’s name is Tyler Jackson.  When they call CeAnna, CeAnna says that she went to school with Mike, that the guy in the pictures is actually Mike, and that Mike is engaged with two children.  Oh and feel free to call her back if they think of any other questions.  She doesn’t mind at all!  That’s very convenient.

Nev and Max are pretty baffled, but they think that probably the reason Mike won’t talk on the phone is because of his fiance.  Yeah, that would do it.  Why didn’t they ask CeAnna about the Government Model School?  Is that where she and Mike attended school together? Does she know where Mike actually does work?  Quick - call her back!  But instead they focus on one of Mike’s Facebook friends whose name is Triggs.  Triggs is a rapper/singer/songwriter.  Heard of him?  No?  Oh, maybe Mike represents him!  So many possibilities.  Next they call Mike’s number, but they just get a message saying the party can’t be reached and will be notified of the call.  Click.  No opportunity to even leave a voicemail.  That’s not professional.  It’s certainly not a positive representation of the Government Central Model School.  So they shoot him a text to see if he can talk and he responds that he can text. 

But first the guys are meeting up with Jasmine and her son at a park.  Her son is named Isaiah.  Poor Isaiah.  He has no idea what he’s been dragged into.

"I can't bother Mommy when she's typing on her phone."

Nev tells Jasmine what they’ve found out and the biggest news is that this CeAnna girl told them that Mike is still engaged.  Second biggest news is that there is another Facebook profile with Mike’s picture on it.  As they show these things to Jasmine she notices Triggs’ picture up on the screen and asks how they know him.  Turns out Triggs is her ex-boyfriend.  Nev asks if Triggs could be posing as Mike, but Jasmine is doubtful.  Well it’s time for a face-to-face conversation and Nev orders Jasmine to text Mike telling him so.  Jasmine asks what if it’s all fake and Nev tells her that either way, she has a true friend on the other end of that phone.  Just kidding, he just says that he’s there for her.  But you know he’s dreaming of this budding friendship.

The next day Jasmine calls Nev to triumphantly announce that Mike has agreed to meet!  How lucky that he isn’t on a model scout out of town somewhere.  The guys head over to pick Jasmine up and she has outdone herself.  She’s wearing a bubble dress with a belt around the waist and has apparently been watching Toddlers and Tiaras for makeup tips.  Max goes, “Look at your makeup!” which my friend astutely pointed out is not necessarily a compliment.

"Yes, Honey Boo Boo got a princess title with this eyeshadow."

They chat with Jasmine about how she’s feeling and she says that yeah, she’s kind of confused about who Mike really is, but mostly she’s afraid to learn that he’s still engaged to his baby mama.  It would be devastating because Mike is giving her all the attention she ever wanted.  Via text message I feel obliged to add!  But enough talking, let’s go meet Mike. 

The gang drives over to Mike’s apartment complex and as they approach Max goes, “It doesn’t look like a super successful modeling agent would live here.”  Geez, Max.  Mike is just a coordintator, give him a break.  Plus everyone knows government agencies don’t pay as well as privately run businesses.  I’m sure he has a good pension plan.  Perhaps this is government issued housing?  Jasmine texts Mike that she’s there and she and Nev get out of the car to give the crew time to figure out some angles and wait for Mike.  Jasmine hyperventilates and pretty soon a girl in a tight red dress approaches.

Jasmine panics that she knows that girl and calls out to the girl, “Don’t come over here!”  Like she doesn’t want this girl to come and mess up Jasmine’s introduction to Mike.  The girl walks over anyway and tosses a flower at Jasmine.  Jasmine goes, “So you’re Mike?”  The girl - whose name is Mhissy (silent H) says yes.  Jasmine wants to know why and Mhissy keeps saying, “Why not?” Then she says it was for revenge.  Then they argue over who looks better, Mhissy or Jasmine.

Nev realizes this meeting is quickly slipping away from him.

Nev finally steps in the middle and takes Jasmine aside.  Jasmine is all upset, saying she wants to beat Mhissy’s ass and that she thought she was meeting someone she liked.  Oh also, apparently Mhissy also has a past with Triggs.  It is unclear which lady was dating him first, but they clearly don’t appreciate each other’s presence on the planet.  Jasmine explains that she and Mhissy met at the mall (What?  Did they time travel back to 1987 to meet?  Who makes friends with people at the mall?  And then describes it as meeting at the mall?) and realized they were both seeing Triggs.

"So is Mike engaged or not?"

Meanwhile Nev has gone over to talk to Mhissy and Mhissy explains that she created this online guy to distract Jasmine from Triggs and leave him to Mhissy.  Jasmine marches over, demanding an explanation and Mhissy derides Jasmine for falling for someone whose voice she only heard twice in two years.  By the way, Mhissy and Triggs are still dating.

"So I win, I win and I win!"

The girls keep yelling at each other and approaching each other like they’re going to start swinging, so Nev puts Jasmine in the car.  Mhissy walks back to her apartment while Jasmine cries in the car, begging Nev for permission to beat Mhissy’s ass.  Nev says it won’t help anything.  Okay, so it sounds like it’s been quite some time since Jasmine lost interest in Triggs and shifted her focus to “Mike,” so why did Mhissy keep it up?  Was she afraid Jasmine would come right back to Triggs if Mike went away?  Was the guy who impregnated Jasmine not distraction enough?  Is this Triggs character possibly worth all of his hullabaloo?  I’m going to go out on a limb and say no.  He’s also obviously incapable of deciding for himself which lady he’d prefer to spend time with. 

The next day Nev is convinced that Mhissy must have a really good explanation for pretending to be Mike for two years so he calls and sets up a time to come over and talk to her some more without Jasmine.  When they get to Mhissy’s apartment we meet Mhissy’s mom and her toddler aged niece, Diamond, whom Mhissy takes care of.

"Ma'am, can you please explain the H in your daughter's name?"

Nev asks Mhissy’s mom if she knows anything about Jasmine.  Why would it matter if Mhissy’s mom knows?  Does Nev want her to weigh in?  Ground Mhissy?  She says that she knows they don’t like each other because Jasmine used to mess with Mhissy’s boyfriend.  But she doesn’t say “mess,” she says eff.  In front of the baby.  In fact, that term has been thrown around a lot in the past few minutes.  Nev excuses the mom and Diamond, then notices that the coffee table is missing its glass.  Mhissy explains that there was an “altercation” between Diamond’s mom and Mhissy’s mom.  Did Nev notice the cut on Mhissy’s mom’s head?  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  Where are we?  This is not an upscale situation here.  Oh, and the sister is now in jail.  Lovely.  We can’t fix all of that right now, so let’s see if we can at least get Mhissy and Jasmine to reconcile, shall we?  Mhissy explains that Jasmine and Triggs were never dating - they just slept together once while he and Mhissy were dating and that’s why she wanted Jasmine to get lost.  This Triggs sounds better and better.  Max asks if Missy was also the voice of CeAnna on the phone.  She was.  Nev explains that Jasmine is very hurt and embarrassed, to which Mhissy says that’s exactly what she hoped for.  She says she doesn’t care if people think poorly of her because no one understands what she’s been through.

"My troubles justify long-term fraud."

For instance, when she was 15 she was six months pregnant and the baby’s father was taking Xanax and smoking weed.  Geez, so he must have been asleep a lot and not very helpful.  Anyway, the baby was too small and did not survive.  That’s awful.  And a month after that happened she met Triggs.  Okay.  I’m not going to minimize what this girl has gone through if all that is true.  What I can’t figure out is how, after having gone through something that serious, she can get herself so worked up over nonsense like getting revenge on Jasmine.  Or maybe that’s all she CAN do.  It’s really sad because it’s SUCH a waste of time and energy, and I’m sure it’s done nothing in the way of helping her to deal with her loss.  Max actually asks her what she has now that she’s gotten her revenge.  She laughs and says she has a smile on her face.  Nev says he would hate for Mhissy to have to live with the regret of things she’s done in anger.  BUT he’s glad to have met her and gotten to know her a bit, and now they’ve got to be on their way. 

Max and Nev drive away talking about how smart and mature Mhissy is.  WHAT?  Is it opposite day?  I think that they were pleasantly surprised to find out that Mhissy didn’t come across as a completely callous, mean-spirited belligerent person - she actually seemed to have a soul.  But that does NOT make her smart OR mature.  Uh... NO.  Anyway, Nev reports back to Jasmine that Mhissy did not have good intentions, but he hopes that Jasmine has learned something here.  Jasmine says she certainly has.  No more online friends.  Nev tells her that she’s a lot of fun and a great mom and if she can leave this behind her there are great things ahead.  I’m not so sure about all that, but whatever.

We check in with our participants two months later and learn that Jasmine has put her search for romance on hold in favor of school and spending more time with her son.  Sure.  Mhissy has decided to legally adopt her niece and stop creating fake profiles on Facebook.  I love how every week these people have completely reformed their entire lives since Nev popped in on them with his camera.  It’s a lovely story.  And that’s it.  What?  I wanted to meet the man behind the picture!  I like when they hunt down the person whose identity has been borrowed to create these fantasy relationships.  No such luck this time.  Maybe the guy didn’t want to participate, which I would understand. This episode was VERY low rent. 

What did you guys think? 

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta