Real Housewives of OC: Indecent Proposals

Previously on RHOC, Vicki damaged hotel property in Costa Rica by plowing down Alexis’s door, then she drunkenly confessed that she’d go back to Donn if he would have her.  So much for the new love of her life...

We join Vicki leading Brooks into the cosmetic dentist’s office.  She complains to us about everyone always attacking Brooks and wonders if breaking up with him would make everyone happy, but then she’d be sad.  I have a feeling that sad is in Vicki’s future no matter what.  Ugh, how many shots do we need of Brooks’s disgusting hole in his teeth?  Vicki tells us how important appearances are in Orange County and tells the doctor she’s “putting Humpty Dumpty  back together.”  Then she goes, “I accept Brooks with all his flaws.”  Which is it, Vicks?  Good thing Brooks is only in this for the perks.  She also tells us she’s not being taken advantage of because she knows exactly what she’s doing - it’s her own personal “Swan” experiment!

 "Next week we're having consults for your ear reconstruction and your hair transplant.  Because I love you just the way you are!"

Tamra and Eddie are on another search for the perfect carb-free meal and Tamra is wearing the most ridiculous sparkly micro-mini known to man.  Eddie wants to borrow it.  As they sit down and order, Tamra tells Eddie about the Alexis intervention and how she hopes that Alexis is going to see what everyone was trying to tell her and snap out of it.  Nope.  She never did get why they would think she’s phony.  They must be jealous that she’s a news anchor.  Anyway, with all of the intervening and other good-doing, Tamra barely had any time to relax, but Eddie surprises her with the news that he’s taking her to Bora Bora to get away again and really relax this time. It’s important to take lots of breaks from not working so that you don’t get overly stressed. Plus your kids might get used to seeing you too much and start expecting you to take care of them.  Tamra immediately concludes that Eddie will be proposing marriage on this getaway.  She yells to everyone in the restaurant that she’s going to Bora Bora and that they are not invited.

"Hellz yes!  I really need a vacation!"

Here’s our tireless journalist Alexis!  Fresh off of bucking her phoniness intervention, Alexis is all decked out in a chiffon drape and is ready to bring the world the latest breaking swimwear.  She remembers what her coach Terry told her about being nowhere near ready to drive the live television bus, but tells us that today she’s completely ready to be a bus driver.  While Alexis comments on the swimsuits walking around a pool, she reminds us how heroic it is of her to give up time with her family so that no one misses out on 2012 resort wear.  She can do it all - full time mom, dress designer, anchor, runaway bus driver, blah, blah, blah.

"This is Alexis Bellino reminding you to STAY ABOVE 50!"

Tamra and Eddie leave in the middle of the night for the big proposal trip.  It’s all very cloak and dagger. Tamra hasn’t told the other girls about the trip because she’ll be totally embarrassed if Eddie comes out of the closet instead of proposing.  When they board the airplane Eddie says he has a surprise and Tamra freaks out because she does NOT want to be proposed to on an airplane the way Heather was.  How tacky!  Luckily Eddie only says he’s arranged massages for when they land.  Tamra fake smiles and absently rubs her left ring finger.  LOL.

"Cheers to getting mar... marinade for my steak.  No carbs."

Back home, Heather (of the ridiculous airplane marriage proposal) is visiting her personal cake-ee-ay because she’s throwing herself a huge I-changed-my-name party.  It’s taken her like 12 years to get over being proposed to in coach and finally take her husband’s name.  She’s doing the Housewives a favor by extending them invitations to this soiree of the century.  Some of them haven’t been to Billionaire’s Row yet.  It isn’t every day that Heather Paige Kent becomes Heather Dubrow.

"You'll never believe it.  I'm giving myself another party.  I know!  Crazy!"

Naturally this calls for a wedding-caliber cake as a centerpiece in the grand foyer.  The cake lady starts throwing out ideas and mentions a Mad Hatter cake, which Heather quickly vetoes because it’s not “inherently her.”  No lopsided nonsense - this is a serious party for an ACTRESS.  When the lady switches gears to edible diamonds, Heather’s eyes light up.  And no one will mug her for her cake if the diamonds aren’t real, right?

Tamra and Eddie land in Bora Bora and board a water taxi where Eddie once again says he has a surprise and Tamra once again gets her finger ready, but he just pulls out a coconut bikini top.  He’s deliberately tormenting her.  Tamra’s like, “gee thanks.”  Naturally they’re staying in an overwater bungalow hut - The Four Seasons knows how to do product placement.

"I wish I had a ri... a reason to take my top off!"

As they wander through their glorious rooms, Tamra cries that she’s never been the girl who thinks she deserves nice things.  Oh puh-lease.  That is nothing but a perfect set up to be rescued by shallow rich guy after shallow rich guy.  And look - it’s worked three times!  Hey... I’m starting to think that I don’t deserve nice things and it’s making me want to cry.  Anyone?  Anyone?

Hi Gretchen!  Nice to see you this episode.  Gretchen calls her dad from her car to tell him she stumbled across a text message on Slade’s phone from Newport Jewelers.  You KNOW that text was telling him to quit asking if they could put fake diamonds into their rings and accept an IOU.

"I'm worried Slade's going to steal my ATM card again..."

Gretchen’s dad says that he told Slade he didn’t think it was a good idea to propose given his current financial situation, but if Gretchen is worried she should probably talk to Slade. 

Bora Bora Proposal Fakeout Number Three is dinner on the beach wearing matching white outfits.  Tamra keeps trying to fill the silence with exclamations of awe about her surroundings. Try talking again about how you don’t feel like you deserve anything nice, Tamra.   Eddie gives speeches about the importance of communication and looking forward to combining their lives by moving in together.  Tamra keeps looking at the food and the glasses trying to spot a hidden diamond while giving one word answers.  With no proposal in sight, she reminds Eddie that she’s always said she wanted a ring before she’d move in with him.  Eddie tells her to forget about tradition because he’s happy with things the way they are.  Tamra realizes he’s not going to make with the ring, so she holds back tears and gulps down water.

"The gender reassignment surgery is SO cancelled."

At Gretchen’s house, Slade is playing Solitaire on Gretchen’s computer and she asks if they can have a conversation about this text she accidentally saw.  Is Slade planning to propose?  With a fake diamond?  Slade snaps that yes he is!  Cubic zirconia reduces your risk of being a robbery victim!  Gretchen reminds him that they’ve discussed a lengthy list of things that need to happen before they can broach the topic of marriage and she doesn’t appreciate Slade discussing this with her dad and Heather before he’s made any kind of headway on his problems.  Slade finally screams, “Then say no!”  Wow, who doesn’t wish for a boyfriend like this?  Slade yells that he has been trying to improve his finances by working all of these jobs, not to mention assisting Gretchen.  Gretchen yells back that she’s told him a thousand times to stop trying to assist her!  She doesn’t need any more bedazzled t-shirts or Google lists!  What she needs is a copy of a bank statement that’s not in the red!  Slade says he’s busy practicing his comedy - it’s not like he just hangs out with his feet up.  Gretchen reminds him that she’d like to have a child before she’s 90 and at this rate it’s not going to happen with Slade.

Gretchen:  "I want to be pregnant!"

Slade: "I make more than my usual fee for THAT kind of service."

Slade says all he wants is to use an engagement ring to tell Gretchen that she’s the one he wants to be with, okay?  Is that so hard to understand?  He’s just trying to do something super nice and here’s Gretchen crapping all over his plan.  When Gretchen realizes that Slade is open to just giving her fake jewelry without demanding any type of actual commitment, she is touched and tears up, telling him she wants to be with him too.  Slade says good, now can he get back to his game?

And back in French Polynesia, Tamra has decided that Ring Watch is ruining her vacation so she’s just going to chill out and overcome her fear of SCUBA diving.  Sure.  A hot French guy is the SCUBA instructor and Eddie seriously contemplates chucking it all to run away with him.  Tamra’s busy contemplating what’s going to happen to her weave and fake lashes when she jumps into the water and is confronted with her actual appearance.  This trip comes dangerously close to ending right here, right now.

Wheels are turning...

But both Tamra and Eddie manage to pull themselves together and dive.  They find oysters (and keep calling them clams) and collect them to take them back to the hotel and see if any of them have pearls in them.  Searching for precious stones inside of crustaceans?  No way has Tamra wiped Ring Watch from her mind.

Let’s check back in with Humpty Dumpty and his brand new veneers.  We get a subscript telling us that Brooks’s new teeth cost Vicki a cool 15 grand.  Oh yeah, Brooks is totally in this for love.  And wouldn’t that 15 grand be better off invested in Vicki’s retirement?

"Brooks actually thought you still made fake teeth out of gold!   When he found out he was just getting porcelain he tried to steal my car!  I've never been so happy!"

Okay, let’s open the freaking “clams.”  Everyone grab your straw fedora and take a seat.  Tamra goes to war with a knife trying to pry an oyster open and doesn’t find anything inside.  She’s about to scream at Eddie that he’s wasted a perfectly beautiful trip to paradise by NOT including a very large engagement ring after Tamra finalized her divorce and everything, when Eddie hands her a fake oyster and says she doesn’t need a knife to open this one.  Tamra just about craps her bikini bottoms when there is a huge diamond ring inside.  Like she’s really so surprised.

She starts hyperventilating and sobbing.  What’s a girl to do on this, the advent of her third engagement to be married? She screams that it’s about time, then tells us she totally deserves this after all she’s been through over the past three years.  Uh huh, the truth comes out, Miss I-don’t-feel-I-deserve-nice-things.  Then she holds up her finger and says, “I got the ring, bitches!”  Eddie is proud to have such a modest demure lady for his beard.

Eddie:  "My parents won't catch on for at least a few years!"

Next week!  Brooks pays Vicki back for his veneers with a hundred dollar fake fur coat.  Heather’s very important cake goes terribly, terribly wrong, Jeana makes an appearance at the party and Drunk Sara is back with a fake fur of her own. 

What did you all think of Eddie's proposal?  Were you taken completely by surprise like Tamra?

I can't watch this love fest without always remembering that there is no "us" without "u," beloved readers.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta