Real Housewives of OC: Trees of Life... and Death

Last week on RHOC, we took the long way around to Costa Rica and sat in on the beginnings of a “phoniness intervention” staged by Tamra and Heather for Alexis.  It wasn’t going well.

We come back to Tamra screaming at Alexis that they like her for HER!  Not for her ring!  Aw, that’s so sweet it makes Alexis cry.

"What about my nose?  Do you like me for that at least?"

She tells Tamra she’s the most mean hateful person in the world and to us says it’s a joke that just because Tamra got her fake boobs taken out she now thinks she’s real.  Mommy Heather calls the intervention to order and gives a speech about having friends from all walks of life and all she cares about is authenticity.  I’m picturing Heather inviting all her poor friends from Irvine to a pool party on Billionaire’s Row because they keep it real.  Then she does bag checks before letting them onto the bus back to Poorville.  Gretchen jumps in to suggest that the next time Alexis pisses anyone off with her phoniness, they call her on it then and there.  Will that go for everyone?  If so, we’ll never hear a complete sentence on this show again.  But that settles that!  Heather and Tamra stand up and come around the table to give Alexis a big hug.  Now that she’s in tears they are full of love.  All they ask is that she shuts up and takes it - is that so wrong?  Alexis won’t hug them, says she wants to be alone and leaves.  So ungrateful.

Heather:  "What's the problem?  We're done."

Gretchen now cries because she hates being put in a position where she has to tell her friend what a horrible monster she is.  She’d rather sit quietly watching while other people tell her.  Heather instructs Gretchen to go to Alexis and comfort her, but Alexis refuses to let Gretchen into her room because she’s not done with alone time yet.  Gretchen begs Alexis to have mercy on her because this is really hard for her, but Alexis doesn’t care.  Back at the table Heather comforts Gretchen by assuring her that attacking Alexis was all for Alexis’s own good and that Gretchen is only being a true friend.  If you can’t mold people into the ideal you have in mind for them, what is the point of even having friends?

"Slade takes my money for my own good, too."

Vicki announces that she REALLY likes Alexis so she’ll go talk to her.  Alexis still hasn’t finished alon"e time, but Vicki shoves her way into the room anyway and tells Alexis she understands because of that time last year in San Francisco where everyone ganged up on her.  Remember that?  It was awful for Vicki.  Awful.  And Alexis was the ringleader, remember Alexis?  Vicki is sad because she doesn’t have a perfect body or perfect skin and she just tries to be a good person, and still everyone screamed at her that one day a long time ago.  And now Alexis owes Vicki big time for coming to comfort her like this.

"Alexis, look at me.  My daughter ELOPED.  THAT'S something to cry about."

The next morning Alexis packs her things since she’s going home early to be a stay-home mom, and after sitting up all night thinking about it, she still can’t come up with any reason as to why the women would think she’s phony.  Not one.  Actually, she only spent about 20 seconds thinking about that, then the rest of the night she thought about bubbles and sparkles.  Either way, she’s perplexed.  Heather drops by to reiterate that she’s still getting to know Alexis and she hopes that the non-phony part of her personality is the real one, and everyone has stuff to work on.  Or something.  Alexis doesn’t get it, but says she appreciates it.

"I definitely consider you one of my bottom-tier friends.  I'm very accepting."

The girls pile into a tourist van and head for the beach.  En route Alexis thanks Vicki for coming to her room last night, which makes Gretchen furious.  When it comes to pushing someone’s door down, Gretchen is at a total weight disadvantage compared to Vicki.  Back in Orange County Gretchen would be rewarded for being thin, not punished!

"They finished re-hanging the door before breakfast, so no biggy."

Upon arrival at the beach, Heather is way too elated to discover that the hotel has sent picnic baskets that include champagne (champs, dahling). Perhaps the best way for Heather to deal with her “walks of life” friends is inebriated.  Alexis and Gretchen take a walk and Gretchen wants to know why Alexis would let Vicki in last night, but not her.  Alexis assures Gretchen that Vicki plowed her door down, but that it wasn’t cool of Gretchen to tell Alexis that SHE was upset when obviously Alexis was the victim.  Gretchen explains that she was only sad that Alexis was sad, just like when Alexis is hungry Gretchen is hungry too, and it only proves what besties they are.  But to be honest, Alexis is really pretentious sometimes.  And when Alexis is pretentious, Gretchen starts getting pretentious and it makes her lose her voice.  Alexis argues that no one ever gets all over Heather for being pretentious when here she is with a twelve hundred dollar Chanel beach bag.  That’s true, Heather DOES flaunt her money, but I think the difference is that Heather’s husband actually earned the money that paid for the bag, while Alexis’s husband would have to steal her one from someone at Bible study. Either way, Alexis is pissed and now she has to leave for the airport and somehow in the middle of all this Vicki has decided to take Alexis’s side.  I think it’s just to get back at Tamra for being friends with Gretchen.  She even says that they’re all jealous of Alexis for being so young and beautiful.  She also says that Alexis let her into the room because Gretchen threw her under the bus and Vicki didn’t.  Oh really?  What was that speech about investing in retirement instead of in a Phantom?

After Alexis leaves, Tamra’s champagne kicks in and she tries to pants everyone.  Vicki is once again selectively mortified.

"Do you realize the HORDES of men I'll attract if this bathing suit comes down?  We'll be mobbed!"

Heather is wearing a dress and thus can not be pantsed, but her champagne flute is in danger of spilling, so she retreats to the blanket to guard it.  Tamra shows Gretchen her post-surgery boobs and there is much general squealing.  During the hullabaloo a monkey tries to approach the picnic basket but quickly realizes he is converging upon a gaggle of lunatics and backs away.  Determined not to frighten nature, Gretchen tries to give the monkey a banana, but worries that if she gets too close it might rip her face off.  Luckily she remembers that only chimpanzees rip people’s faces off so she’s safe.  She hands the monkey a banana and escapes with her makeup undisturbed.

"Careful, that spunky one actually MIGHT be a chimpanzee."

The next activity is to plant trees in the rainforest - a privilege that not only seems redundant, but also certainly costs a pretty penny. They go to the tree planting place and each pick a baby tree in a pot.  The Costa Rican guide somehow finds about a square foot of dirt that isn’t already overgrown with foliage and instructs them to all plant their trees right there.  How will they ever have room to grow to maturity?  (The trees, not the women.) Vicki remembers to plant an extra tree for Alexis and while she watches Heather dig a small hole she starts getting all sentimental, saying this is romantic and that they’ll all be entwined forever - even in heaven.  Speaking of heaven, do you realize one of them is going to die someday?  Vicki realizes it, and now is as good a time to mourn as any.  She sobs as she plants Alexis’s tree, beginning to contemplate the enormity of the universe and the brevity of life.  These trees have been here for two hundred years and they - the Housewives - are all going to be dead!

"No, Heather.  This ISN'T my 'death' makeup!"

She proceeds to have an existential conniption until the guide is like, “We’re done here.  Back into the car!”  They’ve got to get the girls out of there so they can hurry and dig up the baby trees to make space for the next paying customers to plant.  No time for a meaning-of-life crisis now!

Coming up is river rafting!  Heather is frightened out of her mind on the ride to the launching point.  She’s worried there won’t be any champagne in the raft.  And when Vicki gets a good look at the river she starts on a brand new freak out.  The two poor guys who have to be their river guides proceed to give them instructions on what will take place and how to be safe, which just prompts Heather and Vicki to scream and panic.  One of the guides understandably takes great pleasure in telling the girls that there are piranhas in the water.  Now Gretchen is scared too.  Cheer up, Gretchen.  I doubt piranhas eat fake hair.

"They smell fear.  And they smell fake money."

After hesitating at the water’s edge for at least 10 minutes, Vicki is finally the first to get into the raft and everyone else follows and they’re off!  I feel really bad for the guide, who MUST be deaf after having these four hyenas screeching in his ear all the way down the river.  When the river insolently splashes Vicki it’s the very last straw and she has a complete emotional breakdown right there in the rapids.  As the raft comes to the end of the course and Vicki huddles in the fetal position, the guide goes, “Ladies, you are survived!”  HA!  Vicki looks like she wishes she weren’t survived, and continues to bawl all the way back to the car.

"The river tried to take my headband!"

She’s had nightmares like this, like not being able to breathe, do you understand? And today of all days was the worst time to have a brush with death just when she’s contemplating the meaning of life! Heather can’t take one more minute, bids everyone farewell, and leaves for the airport.  I thought Terry had everything under control back in California.  Why is Heather bowing out early? 

And then there were three.  They sit down to have a beer and fresh off of her near-death experience, Vicki is really irritated that Gretchen and Tamra’s tops are the same hot pink.  They must have called each other to plan this and deliberately excluded Vicki.  She’s so annoyed that her crying jag starts back up again.  She wails that she misses Donn, who used to love her cooking!

"He said they were the best Ramen noodles he'd ever tasted."

Gretchen and Tamra realize (once again) that Vicki is obviously mentally unstable. Then Vicki announces that if Donn wanted her back she’d go back.  Oh COME ON!  And give up all the cards and affirmations?  She sobs that she’s worried about what she’s done to her kids.  Nothing that heavy sedation can’t fix!  And also, Briana really hurt her when she eloped.  Well... fair is fair, right Vicki?  But not this again.  Please.  Thankfully she moves on to Brooks and talks about how cute it is that he comes along when she gets her nails done and advises her on which colors to get. Yes, but does he love your cooking?  Tamra is really annoyed now because that is the exact behavior Vicki used to complain about when Tamra was married to Simon.  Exactly.  Brooks seems to embody all of the characteristics that Vicki absolutely hates about everyone else’s men.  Could Heather have been right that all along Vicki was just jealous?  I don’t know that the entire psychiatric field has enough resources to solve someone like Vicki. 

Next week!  Vicki buys Brooks new teeth because he’s missing some!  GROSS!  What must he have looked like before she let him on camera?  Alexis does a ground breaking fluff piece about bathing suits, and Eddie takes Tamra to Bora Bora where she’s certain he’s going to propose.  Also, Gretchen tells Slade she doesn’t need him.  WHAT??

So who wouldn’t LOVE going on vacation with this bunch?  You’d get to witness an ongoing psychotic break with reality (Vicki) and be the target of a malevolent personality intervention!  Good times!

As always, I can’t wait to hear your thoughts because there is just no “us” without “u!”

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta