Jersey Shore: Situation - Ronnie Wins, Mike Loses

"I knew these would pay off!"

Jersey Shore, The Premiere continues. So where were we? Ah yes, Snooki has been pouting in her bed and no one really noticed, which means she's not getting enough attention and therefore wants to go home and forget the whole thing. If you ask me, packing her crap is a last desperate ploy for attention which will most likely work.

In the morning Mike has decided to try to make up for last night's hot tub indiscretion by making eggs for Sammi and telling her how excited he is to work a shift with her today at the t-shirt shop.

"I made you eggs, so you'll sleep with me now, right?"

He wants to know if she is at all attracted to him and Sammi goes, "Yeah..." then ducks her head and giggles. Mike figures he has this "situation" in the bag. He tells her he's not afraid to say there's "a little bit" of attraction on his side as well, how generous of him.

Today Pauly D and Angelina are the first pair to work a shift at the t-shirt shop and wouldn't you know it - it's raining cats and dogs. They somehow manage to arrive on time and Danny briefs them on how very important it is for them to make the sales once the day gets going. Angelina doesn't like this at all. She is not at the Jersey Shore to work, she is here to NOT cheat on her boyfriend! Danny senses that she may have trouble pestering people who come into the store. Angelina asks if she'll need to be working, what, about once a week? Danny laughs and tells her she'll be working a lot more often than once a week. Angelina tells us that this job is beneath her because she is a bartender and does great things. Let me repeat that: This job is beneath her because she is a bartender and does great things. I think the scale of greatness around here is way out of proportion. It's a sad situation when a bright orange tan, scanty clothes and disfiguring makeup constitute greatness. Okay, so selling t-shirts on the beach isn't exactly curing cancer, but neither is bartending. In fact, what's the big difference? That at her regular job her customers are too drunk not to like her?

As the day gets going Angelina realizes that one of the main problems for her is working eight or nine hours IN ONE DAY. Seriously? Where do these people think their dads were all day while they were growing up? I'm sure they were gone for eight or nine hours every day. That's called a job. She can't make any sales, so Danny puts her on hanger duty, which she can't do either. He starts calling her "Jolie" which is funny, though way too good a nickname for her, and yet easier to type than Angelina, so it may stick.

Back home Sammi has joined Snooki in her bedroom to try and convince her to stay. Snooki says that no one understands her here, while back home she is the Princess of Poughkeepsie. (Is there prize money associated with that title?)

No, but there is a free spray tan.

In other words, she's not the center of attention and she's not used to competing for that role. Plus she's not mature enough to be on her own right now. I'm sure that part is true, but I doubt it's her real reason. Sammi tries to get Snooki to "stay wid it," by telling her that no, she did not like her the first night because of how sloppy she was, but the next day she realized that there was more to Snooki than the drunken slob of night number one. Wow, thanks for sharing your feelings Sammi. Snooki thanks Sammi for her offer of friendship, but she still hasn't decided if this gamble for attention has paid off.

Naturally the boys have headed to the gym to get their guido on. Mike skips backwards on the treadmill and then tells us that they take the gym very seriously.

The senior citizens on the neighboring treadmills look way more serious.

They work hard and eat the proper food afterwards - meaning a protein bar. Yawn. On the ride home Mike and Ronnie discuss going out and Mike wants to know why Ronnie didn't take advantage of the street girls who came willingly to the hot tub last night. Ronnie says if he just wanted to get sloppy he would have gone ahead and pounded Snooki the very first night. Ha! That is so true and so repulsive at the same time. PS, he would definitely pound out Sammi. Just the fact that he calls making love "pounding out" tells me that he's not ready. Mike wonders if Ronnie will mean competition in the race for Sammi's favor, but quickly rules it out because of his abs and all around good looks, conveniently forgetting that Ronnie is just as ripped and orange.

At home Snooki has decided to stay so she can party and meet sexy guidos, big surprise. She heads to the t-shirt shop to let Pauly D and Jolie know that she's staying and also to buy something that makes her look hot - a new face? ZING. Pauly D takes a moment to tell us that in a weird world he and Snooki would make the best little guido and guidette kids with poofs and blow outs. Oh please spare the world that disaster.

Later on Sammi and Mike come to do the second shift at the t-shirt shop and Mike decides that this is his big chance to bestow some of his magnificence on the unsuspecting shoppers of the Jersey Shore. His strategy is to pounce on any female clientele, lift his shirt over his head, then convince them to buy booty shorts with iron-on lettering that says "I Love The Situation." And it works! Guidette after guidette drools over the abs and purchases the world's tackiest pair of butt shorts.

Mike's third customer proudly displays his purchase.

Danny is pleased because it's cash in his pocket, but Mike is over here telling us what mass appeal he has. I guess if you want to say that pleasing the very subculture that you strive to epitomize means mass appeal, then sure. Sammi looks on and laughs at it all. She's got a good attitude, which makes her endearing. She also knows when to keep her mouth shut. I'm kind of rooting for her, which makes me cringe.

As the roomies get ready to hit the town on their first big night out we come back to the topic of Jwoww's boyfriend. She admits that she likes flirting with Pauly D but she would be stupid to mess up what she has going on back home. I bet she will anyway. As for Jolie, she's on the phone with HER boyfriend, who is trying desperately to get off the phone and get some things done. Jolie tells us that he's terrified she's going to cheat on him, but he really didn't sound too concerned to me. Oh and here's how Jwoww ensures that she won't mess up what she has going on back home:

"My boyfriend is proud of what he paid for."

The others are smothering themselves in clouds of hairspray and cologne, donning their sunglasses and pre-drinking. They decide to swing by the t-shirt shop to taunt Mike and Sammi who have to work and Mike is really put out that the roomies would have the nerve to go out while he and Sammi are stuck working. Mike would never go out unless everyone could come. Oh that is such crap. He flips them all off as they head out to a club appropriately named Karma. Right away Vinny hits the floor and starts dirty dancing with a plump middle aged lady, telling us it's hilarious. Yes, I can't stop laughing, how about you?

Wow, Vinny is the biggest player in the club. Look out!

Snooki is elsewhere in the club trying to find an orange muscle man to bring home.

Apparently in blackface.

She spots one that will do, but as she drags him across the room a cute blonde girl stops her yelling out that it's her boyfriend. Oops. She finally finds an unattached guido and promptly guides him out of the club and back to the house. Jolie also doesn't hesitate for one second to grind up on any guy who will buy her a drink - boyfriend be damned.

In a slightly interesting turn of events Jwoww has turned her full attention to Pauly D, who tells us he is happy to be "that guy," meaning the one who is the plaything for Jwoww while she's away from her boyfriend. Well good, everyone is happy then!

Later when Mike and Sammi return from the t-shirt shop they are too tired to begin the whole guido grooming process so they decide to chill out on the roof and gossip. Sammi wants to know if any of the guys in the house are into her. Mike immediately says "Definitely not Ronnie." Hmm, so much for Ronnie not being a threat to Mike. This is totally going to backfire on him too because now Sammi will see Ronnie as a challenge. They are soon joined by Snooki and her flavor of the evening... and then all the other roomies make it home to pass out.

We'd like to thank our fine sponsor - Lays Potato Chips!

Jwoww and Pauly D have quite the tease-a-thon on his bed, which leads to Jwoww discovering that Pauly D has a very special piercing that "no one knows about"... until now when everyone knows. And that's the extent of their sex scene for the moment.

They had to call it a night after Jwoww spilled a bottle of Clorox on her jeans.

Snooki's guido is named Robbie and Robbie wants to watch the sunset (Snooki tells us), oops I mean sunrise (she also tells us), so they're cuddling on the roof and Snooki can't figure out why he's not kissing her. She went to all the trouble of bringing him home and now he's totally ignoring her. Robbie's holding really still and then... he pukes all over the roof.

"This is NOT a regular Princess of Poughkeepsie duty. Actually yes it is."

Well there you go - that's why there was no make out. So it wasn't your hair, Snooki. Snooki sends him over to the railing to finish and goes to the kitchen for clean up supplies where she runs into Vinny and Ronnie who want to know what's going on. When they learn of the vomit they say, "So you're not banging then," and Snooki demands to know just what they think she is! Oh COME ON. What you've been advertising yourself to be! That's what we all think! Anyway her night ends on a boring note just walking Robbie home and refusing to kiss him because he threw up.

Bright and early the next afternoon the roomies wake up and discuss last night's goings on. Jolie wants to know what she did because she can't remember and her new friends regale her with tales of a large wrestler who was grabbing her butt. Jolie claims that none of this rings a bell, but Mike isn't buying it. He thinks her "not remembering" is a way to not get in trouble for disrespecting her boyfriend. Jolie immediately races upstairs to the duck phone to clear the air with the boyfriend. Unfortunately he is in a meeting - people who work eight or nine hours a day have to attend those from time to time. Jolie tells him that she doesn't have all day to talk to him so he needs to listen to her now. He says he can't and hangs up. So she goes onto other activities and calls him later at a more convenient time. OR NOT. She picks the phone back up and proceeds to call him 900 times thinking that he'll eventually pick up and listen to the story of her grinding up on a wrestler all night. He doesn't. Yeah, this boyfriend doesn't seem too interested in any of this. Sorry Jolie.

In another room Vinny discovers that he has contracted pink eye. I've heard of this, but never had it so I looked it up and it's only an eye infection that usually heals on its own. It's very common, but no big deal. It's spread through direct contact. Ronnie tells him he probably got it from dirty dancing with the plump older lady. Yeah or maybe one of the hot tub girls you were licking, Romeo. Vinny immediately changes into a hoodie, puts on his glasses and begins moping around the house informing everyone in a very solemn manner that he has contracted pink eye. With these theatrics you would think he just tested positive for swine flu.

"Listen guys. I've got the Black Plague. And it's terminal."

Pauly D panics, assuming that pink eye is airborne, and insists that the roomies get some Purell in the house. Vinny trudges over to the t-shirt shop to tell Danny that as much as he would love to work today, he can't because he has to go see a doctor to treat his dreaded pink eye. Danny's like, "Whatever, just get someone to cover your shift." But wouldn't you know it - none of the roomies want to work a crappy 3-9 shift, especially on a hot day. What pals. Sammi offers to work from 3-7, then trade off with someone. Well, that's more than anyone else is willing to do. She asks Jolie if she'll relieve her, but Jolie says she'll only come in if she can leave by 7 to start getting ready to go out at 11:30. Okay yes, that is really stupid, but I have to say that none of the guys volunteered to help a guido out. None. These people suck.

Well the doctor tells Vinny that it's pink eye, but a very mild case. Great news - he can still go out tonight! So immediately Vinny heads over to the t-shirt shop to send Sammi home and finish out his shift, right? Wrong. Okay in all fairness, I don't know if he does this or not, but I'm guessing not.

Ah look, it's time to start the pre-party once again. Ronnie has a very special concoction called Ron-Ron juice that consists of watermelon, cherries, cranberry juice and what I assume are vast quantities of alcohol. This not only gets the party started, but also gives everyone a raging case of diarrhea. Sexy! Sammi descends the staircase wearing white booty shorts and a tight black t-shirt from 1986 that has been deliberately shredded all across the back. Mike does some cat calls and then tells us that as far as Sammi, it's not a matter of if she wants to hook up with him, it's a matter of when he decides. Oh. My. Gosh. Why would you say that out loud? Into a camera? What an idiot. Ronnie also makes some (cruder) comments about Sammi and Mike tells us that not only is Sammi in love with him, but Ronnie probably is as well because he wishes he had what Mike has. Oh clearly.

Tonight's club is called Bamboo, and it's pretty indistinguishable from the other club. Vinny is right up in everyone's face - pink eye and all - but it's okay because he's wearing sunglasses. What a disgusting creep. Mike decides that the time has come to lay the mack down on Sammi. What a lucky girl! He grabs her and they kiss a little. Mike is exceedingly pleased with himself.

"Now I'll keep her on her toes by scoring some other honeys."

On the other side of the room Jwoww is busy shoving Pauly D's face into her belly button ring. This again. They kiss, but not really, because Jwoww puts her hand in front of their faces so that the camera can't pick it up and she can claim innocence.

"I was just telling him a secret!"

She then takes Pauly D's shirt off and tells him that if he "goes on" another girl she'll kill him. THEN she walks out of the club holding Pauly D's shirt and keeps right on walking all the way back to the house where she takes a time-out to tell us she had a sudden craving for some ham and water. Thank you Jwoww, and good night.

Back at the club Sammi is having a revelation about how hot Ronnie is. Hmm, this wouldn't have anything to do with Mike telling her that Ronnie wasn't at all interested, WOULD IT? Sammi asks Ronnie to dance and he hesitates for about a nanosecond before leaping head first into her arms. Pretty soon they have their tongues down each other's throats and Mike is puffing angrily on his cigarette across the room. He marches over and grabs Sammi, wanting to know what the crap is going on. Well at first he wants to know, but then he just degenerates into whining at her that he can't believe she would hook up with someone from the house right in front of him. Sammi just keeps telling him to do his thing - which she has told him from day one, but Mike wants to whine and whine he shall! But when Sammi doesn't respond to his whining and keeps right on dry humping Ronnie on the dance floor Mike gets ready to take out his frustration in other ways - like stepping to a random guy at the club. Apparently this guy was "looking at" Mike. Of all the nerve! Pauly D joins in and when someone "pushes Vinny" Pauly D freaks out and hits him in the face. Immediately club security is all over them and the best part of this are the security guys' shirts, which are black and say BAM on the front and BOO in the back in huge white letters. So simple, yet so clever. I tried to get a screen shot, but the camera man was getting knocked around during this "incident," so it's all a blur. Anyway needless to say our guidos are escorted right out of club and onto the street.

Mike is still mad because even though he started a fight, Sammi hasn't pushed Ronnie aside and come running back to him. In fact, she and Ronnie have made it back to the house by now and are up to who knows what. So as the guys walk home, Mike notices three girls walking behind them and wouldn't you know it - the night is BACK ON.

The 3AM last ditch effort.

Mike goes to one of the girls, who remembers him from the t-shirt store and then he babbles to us about how everyone at the Jersey Shore knows the situation and if you don't love the situation he's going to make you love the situation. Yes, everyone except Sammi, Mike. And she happens to be the one you want most, so choke on that. Anyway the guys manage to lure the girls up to the hot tub - probably with the promise of hairspray or a spray tan - and Mike heads to the kitchen to fetch supplemental alcohol and who should be in the kitchen but Sammi and Ronnie! Immediately Mike starts trying to talk Sammi into realizing what a huge mistake she made by passing him over and Sammi keeps on with her theme of each doing their own thing.

"Your angry breath is disturbing my clip-in extensions."

Mike - she doesn't care! Sammi passed on you. She doesn't want you, she's not interested, she could care less. Save yourself a little dignity and shut up. Well he doesn't. It just goes in circles. Laughing the hardest is Ronnie, who giggles as he makes himself a snack. Mike keeps talking about how he has some hotties upstairs so Jolie finally pipes up saying, "Mike. Go upstairs to your whores."

Mike runs up the stairs and like the little bitch he is tells the new random girls that his girl roommates are calling them all whores. Geez, he doesn't know when to quit. But here's something weird. Jolie comes up the stairs after him and starts beseeching him and Vinny to come inside and hang out. To the camera she tells us she's a cockblock - she's not going to lie. Oh brother. Your own boyfriend doesn't even pay attention to you, why would these guys? Of course Mike concludes that Jolie is jealous that he's giving other girls attention. Okay, I am in a Twilight Zone of delusion. These people are out of their freaking minds. The random girls leave and Mike goes back inside to tell Jolie that he hates her and she's jealous. Jolie says why would she possibly be jealous when she's as hot as she is. Mike tells her to lose 10 pounds and they'll talk. Ouch. Then Jolie delivers the funniest line of the night: "I will cut your hair while you're sleeping!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! THAT would be awesome. Here is how Mike ends the night while Sammi and Ronnie canoodle:

"Are there any more protein bars?"

What a loser.

This season on Jersey Shore: A guy punches a girl full on in the face! That is absolutely disgusting. I wonder how they're going to handle that! Seriously, that is just wrong.

LOVE your comments guys - hilarious! Hey, where was Snooki during the second half of this episode?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Jersey Shore: Where My Guidos At?

"Here we are! Who wants an STD?"

Greetings beloved readers! I am back after a very brief hiatus to take a good look at the latest pile of trash masquerading as a documentary that MTV has seen fit to present - Jersey Shore.

I must start out with a disclaimer. I have never been to New Jersey. I have visited Manhattan, but that is the closest I have come to the Jersey Shore, so I have no firsthand experience with the Jersey Shore social scene, party scene, vacation scene or any of the above. Do I think that this lovely MTV project is an accurate representation of all people from New Jersey or New York? Of course not. Do I think it is an accurate representation of all people who spend time on the Jersey Shore? Of course not. Do I think it is an accurate representation of all people of Italian American descent? Of course not. Do I think it is a deliberate selection of super trashy people who are prone to being belligerent, offensive and completely without self-awareness? Yes I do - which is why I tune in. My own experience in the trashy club scene comes from the opposite end of our great nation... Hollywood. I am very well versed in the local douchebaggery of the left coast and will draw most of my own comparisons from said experience, but that will reflect only my experience, so take it for what it is. Let's do this!

First I thought I would start off with a little research to prepare myself for what I am about to become involved in, so I did a quick search on urbandictionary.com. The previews for Jersey Shore showed cast members describing themselves as "guidos" and "guidettes" so these are their own terms and I am merely going along with the crowd when using them. Here are the definitions I find most useful:

Guido: an Italian American man usually residing in New York or New Jersey. He wears shirts that are too tight and unbuttoned 5 buttons too low to show off the chest that he spent hours and hours at the gym obtaining, he spends more time on his hair than his girlfriend, and continues to "hit the clubs" long into his mid to late 30's. Often attracted to the female version of himself, the guidette.

Guido Case Study

Guidette: Female counterpart to the Guido, meaning vapid, vain, and shortsighted. Located largely in the tri-state area or wherever there is a high density of Italian families. Can be spotted generally according to lack of clothing, and lack of breathability in said clothing. Often speaks in a high, shrill voice---almost like a mating call to attract guidos. Daily life consists of clubbing, tanning, shopping, perhaps exercise or work, and not a whole lot else.

Guidette Case Study

Interestingly, our fine cast seems quite proud to call themselves "guidos" and "guidettes." Every last one of them seems particularly pleased with him/herself and quite convinced that most others are jealous of them. See what I mean about lack of self-awareness? Right off various cast members explain to us that many young people pool their money and rent houses on the Jersey Shore during summer for the purposes of partying and hooking up. Our new series will be such an arrangement, with the exception, of course, that MTV is paying for the house. We take a trip around the tri-state area to round up our housemates. First we meet Pauly D. in Johnston, Rhode Island (which I guess is not technically the tri-state area, but whatevs.)

"Seriously. How jealous are you of my hair?"

He tells us how proud he is to be a guido, which to him means representing a lifestyle of Italian family. To prove how serious he is, he shows us the tanning bed he has purchased for his home and the 600 gallons of hair gel he has on-hand to spike up his hair like a Gotti child. He packs an entire duffel bag with nothing but hair gel so apparently there is no hair gel available for purchase at the Jersey Shore - or at least this is what Pauly D fears. Pauly D is a DJ and you know he doesn't mean to take other guys' girlfriends, but it happens constantly nonetheless. Hmm, so guidettes are also very loyal then.

Next stop, Poughkeepsie, New York, where an orange girl with a massive hair bump screams into our faces, "I'm going to the Jersey Shore, bitch!" This charmer is Nicole, aka Snooki. Snooki tells us that her DREAM is to move to Jersey, marry a juiced hot guy and live her life. Soooo... get married and chill? Sounds good to me! But wouldn't that kind of put a damper on the partying?

"Hell no, I'll party with six babies hanging off me... bitch!"

Turns out Snooki is about 4' 8", which she says doesn't matter as she walks down the street in ho gear screaming out that she's looking for a tan guy with muscles. Whatever works, dear.

And on to Manalapan, New Jersey to meet Mike, aka "The Situation." Sorry, but I'm not referring to ANYONE as "The Situation." I'll think of a suitable alternative as we move along. For now "Mike" tells us that his abs are so ripped that they are called "The Situation." I guess by him.

"The current 'situation' is that my gym membership just went platinum."

Mike explains that he looks in the mirror in the morning and due to his extreme good looks can tell it will be a good day. Most days, it seems, are spent by Mike with his shirt pulled up over his head so that girls can view his abdominal muscles. This shirt-over-the-head may account for his constant positive mirror affirmations as he is only peering into the outside of whatever wife beater he's wearing at the moment. He goes on to say that he works out five days a week and that if he were to see himself out and about he would grab his girlfriend quick. Ok, deluded much?

Now it's Hazlet, New Jersey to grab Sammi "Sweetheart" for our next housemate. She says she's the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet, but don't f with her, m'kay? She's not looking for Mr. Right, but she is looking to break a lot of hearts and hook up with a lot of guidos - in fact, her main mission on any night is to find the hottest guido and take him home. Gee that must feel like an accomplishment - these guys seem pretty hard to get.

A typical afternoon from 3 to 6:30 PM.

She's packing up some booty shorts, caking on the makeup and showing us her clip-in hair extensions. Take a number boys! There's only so much class to go around.

And here we are in Staten Island, which, from what I've read on the inter-highway is the home of many Jersey Shore summer guidos. We are here to meet Vinny, who is sitting at a table PILED with spaghetti and surrounded by a million Italian family members. Well as long as we're not perpetuating stereotypes or anything. Vinny proudly tells us that his mom cooks and cleans for him - what a lucky girl who marries this one and gets to take over those duties.

See what you have to live up to ladies?

He says that the guys who spike their hair, have fake tans and wear lip gloss are not real guidos - he is. I'm sure your new housemates would beg to differ, Vinny. He explains that he went to college, but still loves to party. And to illustrate that he pumps his fist in the air wildly, showcasing enormous pit stains. This gets better and better. Vinny's mom cries as he gets in the car - she's created a monster; she must be so proud.

Let's island hop over to Long Island and meet Jenni, or "Jwoww," as she calls herself. Can you guess why? Because she's so incredibly beautiful, of course! She announces that if you don't know her, you hate her and long to be her. Ha ha ha ha ha! That's a good one as she poses like a total skank on top of a motorcycle for a photographer. Oh, if only! Did you also know that she is a praying mantis and will rip a guy's head off after she has sex with him? Charming.

Oh man - I just wish I were this girl! My hair is far too monochromatic.

Jenni has an enormous fake rack, skunk hair and prides herself on tormenting guys who would like to have relationships with her. She has a boyfriend, but plans to behave like a kid in a candy store during this Jersey Shore experience. That's nice.

In the Bronx we meet Ronnie who introduces himself with his number one rule, which is never fall in love at the Jersey Shore because everyone knows you are just there to get laid. He just takes his shirt off and the girls come to him like flies to poop - his words (sanitized). And yes, he is the poop in this scenario.

"Waddya gonna do about it?"

Ronnie is one of those guys whose muscles are so big he starts looking chunky. Me no likey. He packs a bottle of protein shake mix that is as big as his torso. How long are they going to be staying for crying out loud?

And back to Staten Island to pick up our final partier, Angelina. Angelina claims to be the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. So she has a sex tape? She says she's all natural with real boobs and a nice fat ass. Now see, where I'm from girls don't want a fat ass. Maybe there IS something to this Jersey Shore business. She, like Ronnie, does not need to go after the opposite sex because they automatically come to her. I'm sensing some common themes here. Angelina also has a boyfriend and considers this experience to be a test of their relationship. I have one guess as to the results of this test. She is ready to show her new housemates what it means to be a guidette.

"First I'll burn all the Buns of Steel tapes."

Let's now head over to Seaside Heights, New Jersey, our new home for the summer. Here is our house:

Uh, really?

It's no Laguna Beach palace, but I suppose it will do for storing alcohol and condoms. There are animal print bedspreads and a metallic couch. Also, the garage door is painted like an Italian flag. They are proud of their heritage, you see. Mike and Pauly D arrive first and decide that they will be roommates and try to persuade a girl to room with them as well. The first girl through the door is Sammi Sweetheart, so they immediately launch their roommate campaign on her. Mike is instantly smitten by Sammi's purple tiger print tank top and black spandex booty shorts. Sammi is likewise impressed with both Mike and Pauly D with their orange tans and big muscles. With all the love already in the house these three decide to be roommates, how special.

Vinny arrives next and decides that he expected a girl hotter than Sammi, but he's happy with the guys. He is down to put his stuff in a room that he will share, depending on whether or not he likes the look of the next arrival. If so he will share a room, and if not he will take the bed that is secluded. Next to pull up is Jwoww and Vinny spots the skunk hair and dashes inside to haul his luggage to the secluded bed, LOL. He says he can tell she's high maintenance. Meaning what, she may resist cooking and cleaning for you? Snooki bounces in and asks for alcohol. She can barely reach her shot glass on the bar.

"Is there a step-stool for shots?"

Ronnie strides in and announces that the only way the situation could be better is if there were a stripper pole in the middle of the room. All three of the girls swoon. The last arrival is Angelina, who has her clothes in garbage bags instead of suitcases, which Pauly D can't resist commenting on. I mean, this is supposed to be an upscale operation, right?

It's time to receive our first guest! This guy's name is Danny and he comes in to announce that he will be the landlord of the shore house and the housemates' boss for the summer. In order to live in the house they will have to work in his t-shirt shop on the beach. Not one of the housemates is happy to hear this news. There are many rules to being employed, like you can't be drunk or late, what the flip? Someone just snuffed out the flames of this party. Or did he?

Meet the Enemy of Fun.

Snooki has apparently had at least two shots and it looks like her undersized frame can barely handle it because she's already stumbling around the kitchen slurring about how much she loves everyone. When all the roommates begin not-subtly giggling at her she stomps upstairs to the roof/patio and starts talking to herself (or to us through the camera) very loudly. She's pacing around complaining that no one understands her and it's not fair. Meanwhile the rest of the roommates have come up to the roof/patio and carried on with their first night festivities. The boys decide to try out the rooftop hot tub but I guess the girls are worried about messing up their clip-on extensions. But before the guys can get lonely Snooki has stripped down to her bra and thong and joined them. Angelina is appalled, saying you should at least wear a thong bikini, which is "more classier, if you're going to wear anything at all." Right, that's much more demure Angelina, good call. Snooki attempts to mount each of the guys, but is universally rejected, which actually surprises me a little. I guess they're not as drunk as she is and call her sloppy and stereotypical, which will be really funny later when we see all of them at their drunkest.

Well Snooki's had it and she passes out on a hammock while everyone else goes for a walk to check out the new neighborhood - specifically a carnival-type pier area. While they throw darts Snooki wakes up and becomes very disoriented on finding herself alone, so she decides to call her dad on the duck phone that some production assistant stole from the old Silver Spoons prop warehouse. Why would you call your father while you're wasted? It doesn't really work anyway because every time he says hello she accidentally hangs up on him.

"Is this the button to take a picture?"

The plot thickens as Jwoww's boyfriend chimes in on call waiting and Snooki can't even set the phone down without causing it to quack. She keeps padding through the house in her slippers, hoping that this time one of her housemates will turn up, all the while very confused and distressed by the quacking phone.

And over at the pier Mike is getting friendly with Sammi Sweetheart. He's grabbing her hand, trying to be cuddly, and the other roomies start talking about how these two will probably hook up. Aren't you thinking they'll all probably hook up with everyone at this point? I mean it seems like that's the only goal, so why not? Mike claims to not know who grabbed who... likely story.

The current 'situation' looks fairly promising.

They wander back to the house and Snooki announces that Jwoww's boyfriend called. The house guidos are scandalized. How dare she not mention she has a boyfriend? But Pauly D bucks up, saying he will help her forget her boyfriend. Oh I'm sure that's already happened.

The next morning Snooki wakes up feeling shredded and can't remember what happened last night, which she tells us is the story of her life. Wow if I had that life story I'd certainly put it on TV! She implores one of the girls to hold her hair back while she pukes, but alas, she is left to her own hair clips. The other roomies decide to leave her and head off to the t-shirt shop for orientation. Vinny very sternly tells the camera that he can't be responsible for a grown woman who knows her work schedule - he's no one's parent. I find that highly amusing coming from the grown man whose mom still cuts his meat at the dinner table. Self awareness, people. It's more valuable than you'd think.

When Snooki finally pulls her head out of the toilet and shuffles over to the shop on the beach, Danny immediately takes her outside for a talking-to. He tells her that this is her freebie and after this if she's late again she's fired. Then he sends her home. Later Snooki wants to know why none of the roomies seem to like her. Sammi takes a moment alone with the camera to trash talk Snookie, saying she wants "nothing to do wid her." She doesn't have time for stupid bimbos you see. That's why she's here on this show - to put as much distance as possible between herself and the stupid bimbos of the world.

Later the group starts cooking dinner and it cracks me up that not one of these Italians knows how to peel garlic. Peel garlic! Well I'm surprised they can part their hair, so maybe peeling garlic is a stretch. As they sit down to eat an Italian meal with no garlic (or maybe they just threw it in - peel and all) Vinny offers to say grace like a good Italian Catholic boy. However, he can't get through one sentence without giggling, and here is where Jwoww gets on a high horse, announcing that you can't make a joke out of grace. Out of your body? Yes. Out of your boyfriend? Sure. But she draws the line at grace. Snooki takes this opportunity to apologize for making a fool out of herself the night before, to which all the roomies applaud.

"And we're looking into a step ladder for you."

Later we have a charming scene of Mike and Pauly D on the rooftop patio "fishing," which Pauly D explains is casting a line down to the girls on the street and seeing what comes back. CLASSY! One of my girlfriends and I have discussed this very fishing theory at length when we see guys behaving like idiots - we even called it fishing. Like, do they just desperately try any means possible to get a girl's attention, hoping that eventually something will work with some girl? Apparently the answer is yes, and here is Pauly D even calling it fishing! No shame, I tell you. And I bet it wins them the attention of some real gems. They convince a group of girls (who look like quite the challenge) to come up to the roof and go in the hot tub.

"Wanna see our boobies first?"

Ronnie announces that the female housemates are going to be extremely upset with this, which is hilarious because it's true, yet the girls would do the exact same thing if given the opportunity. My theory is that people who aren't getting any are always annoyed with people who are - even if the circumstance only lasts five minutes.

So it turns out that none of the street girls have bathing suits, how fortunate. They waste no time stripping right down to nothing but their bras and hopping into the hot tub with Vinny, Pauly D and Mike. Angelina and Sammi want to go up to the roof and watch the scene unfold, but Ronnie tells them to just leave it alone. Well, that would be the classy thing to do so of course Angelina and Sammi tear right up the stairs to have a good look. When Mike sees Sammi he continues his hot tub escapade with one eye on the floating boobies and the other eye on Sammi to see if she cares enough to have a reaction.

After the hot tub orgy calms down, the guys come into the house where Angelina, Sammi and now Jwoww are waiting to pounce. They'd never pull three douchebags off the street and bring them into the house to disrespect the guys (yeah right!), so the guys should not be bringing in skanks. Of course the guys are totally defensive - they are here to have fun, to play, what do the girls expect, etc. And as they dink around one of the street girls walks through the front door wondering what is taking the guys so long. All three of the house girls order her directly back out onto the street, so she closes the door calling, "bitches!" This is just silly. But even sillier is the fact that Snooki is lying in her bed listening to all this thinking that the roommates are still talking about her hot tub antics from the night before. She yanks out her suitcases from under her bed and starts packing.

"You think you're getting a piece of this after kissing THOSE skanks?"

The fight eventually shifts to why Mike would act like he's into Sammi and then go to town with some random ho's in the hot tub. Mike tells the camera he doesn't care because he can have his pick of any girl down here. Well that's probably true, but it certainly isn't saying much, especially after witnessing tonight's social activities.

Snooki calls her dad, saying she wants to come home and she's done with the Jersey Shore. While she packs her fellow guidettes come in to try to convince her to stay. Then Angelina offers her a garbage back to help her pack. Just kidding. They need her, they want her, please stay. I think we can all guess how this ends. Like she's really going home on night number two, come on.

Okay, I'm taking a look at this recap and it's getting pretty long, so I'm going to stop here and do a separate recap for hour two, which is actually episode two according to mtv.com. Stay tuned for the exciting continuation of our Jersey Shore premiere!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: We Have A Winner!

Guess who LOVES winning!

Well here we are after just having watched Irina be crowned the winner of Project Runway Season 6. Before her parents even came onstage crying everyone knew that this means Kalyn also wins for accidentally ending up as Irina's final model - her "muse model" as it were.

"Good job showing up, honey!"

"I love you, mom!"

So CONGRATULATIONS Kalyn! You were born pretty, modeling fell into your lap, you got cast on the show, you love everything, and you ended up modeling for the winner. Well done, you.

Cheetos and Delta Burke actually take the news quite graciously and congratulate their designers on all their success both now and in the future. Hooray!

"Those stupid fugly ho's! What are the judges thinking?!"

For the next 20 minutes, Heidi recaps the first season of Models of the Runway, but I've already done that, a week at a time, so I'm going to go ahead and call it a night.

"Hey Kalyn, sit down. Let's talk about every day since you got here!"

As for a Season 2...? Unless Lifetime decides to do some MAJOR tweaking on the premise of this behind-the-scenes look at the models' experience, I'm not even sure it will warrant recapping. Most of the episodes consisted of either: fretting, tangential outings, stories of modeling for the good of your children, fretting, minimal bickering, and fretting. None of this information was interesting or necessary for enjoying Project Runway. It was kinda nice to be able to at least feel a little sense of knowing the models when it was finale time, but that could have been accomplished in one half-hour special sometime during the last two weeks. All in all, it was a cool idea that fell into totally boring incompetent hands. And this is coming from someone who LOVES reality shows about modeling. Seriously Lifetime. Get a clue.

And to you, my beloved readers who managed to stick with me to the bitter end - all of my love! No matter how dumb the show, I always love reading your comments and giggling about the silliness of it all. It's been a pleasure! I hope to see you soon, as my next adventure takes me to MTV and their latest nightmare, "Jersey Shore." Trashfest! Orange skin, spiky hair and grating nasally voices. I'm in!

This girl and her hair will try to find mates.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: Models have Moms!

And some who are younger than the models!

Moments before... the three Project Runway finalists received the non-surprise that they will have to design a 13th look for their collections at the very last minute! Our Models of the Runway - Delta, Cheetos and Kalyn - all react like they just saw a soap bubble popping.

"I totally didn't see that coming!"

After the initial shock wears off, Kalyn announces that she is really excited about it actually. Well there is surprise number two for the episode - and we're still only in the first minute! Then Tim goes on to announce that each designer's "muse model" (I guess that's their new honored title) will be casting the 13th model to wear the 13th look. Too many 13s. It doesn't sit well. Delta Burke tells us that she's never been a casting director before.

Something else she's never done? Read.

This is the most responsibility any of these girls has ever had! Will it be too much for them to handle?

To begin the process we have a grand meeting of the designers and their "muse models" to go over the random models who have already been cast. And no, none of them are the lost sisters from this beloved series. As several of you pointed out - and as I had also pondered - each designer needs 13 models for the Bryant Park show. And really we can't use any of the girls who've been eliminated? Apparently not. The producers have decided to add more suspense by quickly hiring at the eleventh hour new models who may or may not have any experience and who may or may not even be available for the show.

After her mini-meeting with Althea, Cheetos says, "She wants a girl that has the same body shape as me - hee. And my height - hee. And walks like me - hee." Oh get over yourself. It's called a "collection" for a reason. Sameness is actually desirable in this case and not JUST a tribute to your overall perfection. Carol Hannah wants a girl who looks like a fairy and doesn't have short hair. Irina wants someone happy looking to counterbalance herself.

Heidi time! Heidi wants to know what the models think about the collections.

Any guesses as to what Heidi thinks?

Cheetos thinks Althea's stuff is totally new and different, Delta Burke is totally impressed that Carol Hannah knows how to sew pants, and Kalyn LOVES Irina's stuff. Now about this upcoming casting session. All Heidi says is, "Have any of you ever walked at Bryant Park before?" Thanks for the casting tips, Heidi. The girls head over to their hotel room and sit around discussing how excited and nervous they are. They all seem to think their own designers are going to win, which really doesn't mean anything, so oh well.

It looks like a dozen or so girls show up for the model casting. The first few girls come in, walk back and forth, and are pretty underwhelming. Cheetos giggles heartily when one model swings her arm around all weird as she paces around for them.

"Ugh. Where did these novices learn to walk?"

Another girl admits that she's only been modeling for three weeks. Be gone with you! No newcomer is going to bust in on this parade and cut straight to the front of the Bryant Park line. You hit the streets and do some time before trying to walk THIS show, sweetie. After several obvious failures, a blonde girl walks in and takes Delta Burke's breath away. She's tall, she's willowy, she looks just like a fairy - she's perfect! Would she happen to be available this afternoon? The girl can barely speak English and instructs Delta to call her agency.

What is your name? Call agency.

She doesn't know her own schedule, sheesh! There is an entire staff of people who make their livelihood by waking models up in the morning and sending them around Manhattan one instruction at a time. What would they have left to do if she knew herself what she was doing this afternoon?

The next miracle occurs when Cheetos spots a Korean version of herself and decides she'll be perfect for Althea's collection. She blurts out a triumphant, "She's ethnic!" Good eyes there, Cheetos.

Ethnic Cheetos

And finally Kalyn spots a leggy redhead she is certain will be the perfect highlight of Irina's show - next to herself, of course. Delta hits a bump in the road when she discovers her blonde model's agency has already booked her for this afternoon (and yet sent her on this call anyway). She has to settle for a second choice who may not be as fairy-like and she almost gives herself an ulcer fretting over it. In the next scene the "muse models" present the random models they have selected for their designers and we get to watch them walk back and forth again. Kalyn introduces her pick by saying, "She's like, a redhead."

"And I LOVE redheads."

Delta falls all over herself trying to explain that her first choice was double-booked, but this second choice is thin and tall. And just how does that set her apart from any other model?

It doesn't, as it turns out.

Well everyone can breathe a big sigh of relief because all the designers love the new models. As I'm watching these girls pace around the room I am wondering if there is a law somewhere that models have to look like they just crawled out from under a rock when they go on their casting calls, or "go-sees" as Tyra Banks taught me. Every one of these girls look like their hair hasn't seen a brush in decades and they've never even heard of makeup. Something else I learned from Tyra is that the models are supposed to present themselves as a blank slate for the designers to work with, which I get - I mean, you wouldn't want to come in wearing some Hawaiian print and purple eye shadow up to your brows, but is it really too much to ask that they shower? I mean, natural beauty only goes so far ladies. Then there is personal hygiene.

Now here comes a new and interesting twist - we are going to meet families! Delta's mom and grandma pop in to wish her well and her mom looks like she's about 30. Then her grandma looks 45. Delta practically looks older than the both of them! Delta tells us that she grew up in Kentucky and was raised by her mom and grandma, who kept giving her money when she decided to try her hand at modeling.

Aw, Baby Delta.

Well that explains why this is the first show they've seen her in. They had to wait for a network to pay their travel costs because they were too busy working three jobs each to keep Delta running around town on her go-sees.

Next through the door is Kalyn's mom who looks just like Kalyn and is just as excited as Kalyn about everything. Kalyn tells us about her sad childhood in Texas where she was always really skinny and never good at sports, but she liked performing, so she decided to be a model!

This photo creeps me out. It's an adult head on a child body. AKA, a model.

Here's a shocker: Kalyn didn't go to college.

And finally, both of Cheetos' parents and her brother show up to pay their respects.

Another ethnic Cheetos!

We learn that when Cheetos was 15 some woman came up to her and asked if she wanted to be a model. Okay, that also happened to me in high school and I'm 5'3". These retards are everywhere asking people if they want to be models. One time a guy handed my roommate his card on the street and told her he's looking for models. She's 5'10" so in her case there was actually some plausibility, but she was smart enough to google his name and the very first entry that came up was about him being involved in a modeling scam. We had many laughs about that one and even sent him an email, advising him to at least choose a pseudonym while he was being prosecuted. Whatevs, my point is that rarely does some random stranger come up to you and launch you a legitimate career. It cracks me up when famous people say they were discovered that way. And so much for the legions of hopefuls streaming into New York everyday knocking on doors and begging for modeling jobs. Just stand on the corner long enough and someone will promise you a modeling career in exchange for lots and lots of money.

Later the "muse models" all bring their families together to meet each other and toast to the girls in question. Lots of warm fuzzy feelings.

Which of these gentlemen is the caption for?

Then the girls head off to take a good look at the runway they will be walking down tomorrow in the grand finale (as opposed to the demi-finale we're getting tonight). It's super big - the runway I mean.

Next time Heidi talks to the girls about making different faces and then the girls nervously await the crowning of the Project Runway winner, which will in turn determine which of them wins as well. I can't imagine how anticlimactic it's going to be, but what choice do we have? See you then!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: Decision Bryant Park!

"Who do I have to kill to prove I can walk!?"

Moments before... Don Draper convinced Bert Cooper and Roger Sterling to buy back Sterling Cooper and start all over! I don't know how I'm going to wait until next summer to see how this all plays out! And meanwhile Betty is off to Reno to wait out a divorce. So many exciting things happening - and none of them on Models of the Runway!

Okay let's talk about this latest game of Who's Going Home. What will our little brainiacs do to keep us mildly entertained for the next half hour? And they brought Joan back to help run the new agency! Ahem, models. The final five are sitting backstage waiting to see which designers made it to the finals for Fashion Week. Irina made it by wrapping Kalyn in a green sheet and cutting out holes for the shoulders. This is actually the closest thing I've seen to sleeves this entire season, so I give Irina half a prop for that. Other than that, this dress is fugly.

Where's Kalyn's skinny mirror when she needs it?

But since Irina is IN, Kalyn is hopeful that she will be chosen as her model for the finals. Next on the chopping block is Christopher, so Katie gets all nervous. But Christopher is OUT, for sending his same crap down the runway for the last time.

Gee, never seen this look before.

Delta Burke almost faints because the judges don't see the connection between an old-fashioned bed on display at the Getty Center museum and this:

Maybe if she'd been inspired by an Oscar statue...

But nevertheless Carol Hannah is IN and Delta is just so happy for her. So Cheetos and Mater are left to see which of their designers (Althea and Gordana respectively) will go on to the finals, and consequently, which of them. Well Althea is IN, so Cheetos breathes a sigh of relief while Mater hangs her head. Okay, well that settles that. We now know the models' fate as well, so... onward and upward, right? Wrong. We still have 20 minutes to fill with fretting and giggling. Here we go.

Christopher comes backstage sobbing, of course. He admonishes everyone to admit how amazing it is that he made it this far, and Katie comforts him by literally saying, "There was never anything that you sent down that was like horribly, horribly bad."

"OMG thank you Katie!"

And there you have it. With models like Katie, who needs judges to say you suck? She sends him off, saying she believes in him. Inside, we all know she is pissed off at him for blowing her chance at Bryant Park. Oh well Katie. You'll always have Double Stick Tape Gate.

Next in the holding tank is Gordana to apologize to Mater for ruining her career.

"It was all a big misunderstanding."

It's all good though because Mater still has Hugh Grant in her future. Mater waxes philosophic about the beauty of Gordana's last design. See, I'm ambivalent about this one. I know Gordana shed tears about the spirituality of her final design, but honestly it was so flippin simple. It was just an A-line strapless gown with layers. I could have practically made it. And I love me some European cathedrals, but come on. This was no feat of fashion.

Anyone tearing up?

Heidi time! Let me guess. She wants to know if anyone's nervous.

"Fahrvergnügen!"

She asks Katie how she feels about Christopher losing. Katie says she would have loved to accompany Christopher to Bryant Park and now she's nervous. Pretty much same go-round with Mater. Today was SO emotional and everyone has cried, boo hoo. Heidi offers the girls congrats on improving over the competition and then announces that a skin care expert and a makeup expert will be dropping by the modelplex with tips. Are you kidding me? At this point? Why? Wait, I know. Filler. Back home Katie brags that Irina has told her she's a really good walker. Yeah, I learned to walk when I was a year old, yee-haw.

All the girls except for Katie decide to go out for cocktails. Katie decides she needs some time alone to pout. Over drinks Mater shares the fact that Irina has mentioned wanting to work with Mater, so she's holding out some hope that maybe Irina will choose her. This statement makes Kalyn do this:

"I love... wait a second!"

So the next day the L'Oreal guy and a dermatologist drop by to give out some beauty tips. Okay, let's think about this. A dermatologist is hired to appear on camera to promote a specific line of skin care. You know, L'Oreal Skin Genesis because they haven't pimped that enough yet during the opening credits of every single episode. Can we really trust anything this doctor is going to tell us? I mean what, would she really say that other brands are just as good or better? Cripes, use sunscreen girls. That's the goldmine of knowledge this dermy has to share with you. That and eye creams work. You're welcome. Then the L'Oreal guy shows Cheetos this L'Oreal mascara that is "just as good" as fake lashes. I actually received this very product in a gift bag at one of the many fabulous Hollywood events I'm invited to attend and I've tried it. It's fine, but there's NO WAY it's just as good as fake lashes. It's weird though, because when you wash your face there are all these lashes left in the sink. Not your lashes, but the mascara attaches in little tubes to your lashes, so those little tubes wash off and it's very odd and disconcerting. I would actually say don't buy it for that reason alone.

If you can read upside down, then I've accomplished product placement.

The models actually applaud the makeup guy and the dermy when they finish. Just think, a GOOD makeup brand like Smashbox might have received a standing ovation.

On elimination day as the girls are getting ready to leave, Katie decides to twist the knife one last time and tells everyone that if she's eliminated she going to scream about the double stick tape.

"I see them! I see the elves! They're coming for me!"

Kalyn's like, "Oh Katie, I thought we were going to drop it." And that's the end of that. Well that was overhyped on the previews.

Heidi comes out to tell the top three designers that this is a very important decision because the models they choose today will walk for them at Bryant Park. Oh really? I didn't catch that the first 500 times. Althea is drawn first and she chooses Cheetos, who is always chosen first. She says that Cheetos is a fabulous model and a fabulous friend. Carol Hannah also says that Delta Burke has become a really good friend and she's excited to take her to New York. And now it's up to Irina to make one girl's dreams come true and ruin two other girls' lives.

Irina asks if she can pick the blonde one.

First she jokes that she'd like to take all three, ha ha ha. Then she gushes all over Kalyn about how she's beautiful inside and out and coming along to New York! Kalyn's like, "Irina really deserves it? I'm so excited to be her model?" Why is everything a question?

So Katie and Mater are O-U-T. And no outburst from Katie about double stick tape. In fact, she's quite gracious. The girls all gather in the holding tank to hug and congratulate each other. Heidi leaves with a "Tschuss!" to complete the show with some German. Later the top three designers come over to hang out with their models and they crack some champagne and reminisce about the good times. They all toast each other and generally kiss each other's butts. You're amazing. No, you're amazing. We are ALL amazing. Cheers!

"Here's to you little people!"

Next time, it's the finale! And we're still having an episode. I'll be here to tell you all about it! So what do you think? Did the right models make it? I'm kinda glad Katie didn't. I did like Mater, though. What about you?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: Double Stick Tape Gate

"Does the word 'residue' mean anything to you?"

Moments before Models of the Runway... Logan has YET AGAIN designed something fugly and landed himself in the bottom. This time Kojii is all bedazzled out in zippers decorating a black and white Judy Jetson outfit. It was meant to be a companion piece to a "good" outfit he made:

Well maybe companion pieces in the "random fug" collection.

Heidi describes the look as "too tricked out," but really it's just stupid. Gordana is also in the bottom for a much less ridiculous outfit, but the judges didn't like hers either. I actually like this one better than Gordana's winning outfit - this one's a jacket with cute details around the waist, but for some unexplained reason the judges don't like it.

So one is ridiculous and one is... not?

The judging is so random this season so there's no point in trying to figure it out. The good news is that after MANY fugly entries and zero wins, Logan is finally OUT. Aufwiedersehen, sucker! Kojii's like, "oh crap, none of the other designers even know who I am." How does this bode for our Irish lass?

Cheetos comes backstage to congratulate Althea, who won for making pants that no one in their right mind would wear. If you can imagine pants that are designed to flatter the female figure, think of exactly the opposite of that and you have Althea's "paper bag" pants.

Oh if only I could make my hips look wider and my legs look shorter!

They poof around your hips and thighs and I believe that Malvin was eliminated way back for making pants shaped like this and saying that they deliberately make a woman look like she has chicken legs. See what I mean about the judging this season? Anyway Cheetos tells Althea how much fun she's having wearing her cool designs and totally working it on the runway.

Meanwhile Mater is totally offended that Gordana pointed out on the runway that she has a lot of hair and Gordana didn't want that hair to pull focus from her design. Watching Gordana talk, it didn't really sound like an insult so much as pointing out a fact, but Mater takes it personally and fears that this may mean elimination. And here comes Logan in his silver pants to say goodbye. The girls are all devastated to be losing such a hottie (?) because he is a "genuine human being" as Katie tells us. A genuine human being who had little business on Project Runway, however.

Time to retire the winning silver pants.

Heidi time! Heidi wants to know the models' thoughts on the latest challenge. Cheetos LOVED it! But totally not because her designer won or anything. Heidi wants to know if Kojii is worried now that Logan is gone. Yes Heidi, everyone is worried... except Cheetos. Mater whines about her hair again and Heidi tells them that they're all doing a fantastic job. Particularly Kojii, who stood on the runway in total crap and sold it like a staaah. We get a little flashback and Heidi's right. Kojii stood there proudly the whole time.

Making Heidi proud.

And now for today's scandal. It seems that Kalyn's dress (courtesy of Irina) had quite a bit of trouble staying up on her chest over her boobs, so Kalyn asked around and found some double stick tape to help cover her goodies. Then a production assistant burst into the model holding tank and told her she HAD to take it off because it gave her designer an unfair advantage, and someone else had to take theirs off last week, so there's that too. It's so funny. They can use hot glue guns, but when it comes to double stick tape that's where they draw the line? I guess Irina should have (and could have) hot glued the dress to Kalyn's boobs.

Time for the decision of a lifetime, Kalyn.

SIDEBAR: double stick clothing tape is a miracle. And not just for going-out clothes. I personally own button down shirts that exist permanently double stick taped closed so they don't bubble all up when I sit down. I have also used it as Kalyn tried to do in this challenge - where the outfit is on my body only in theory and would be on the floor if not for the aid of the double stick tape. Just be careful if the fabric is sparkly because that is some strong stuff, which leads me to my next point. Residue. When using that tape to keep fabric on your body, it is impossible to come completely off of your skin without the aid of a shower or at least some rubbing alcohol. So Katie's upcoming tantrum really rubs me the wrong way.

"I have something to get off my chest. And it's NOT residue!"

Back in the holding tank Katie sits down and slumps into a totally pissed off position. Cheetos asks her what that is all about and Katie decides to out with everything. "Kalyn, you used tape on your boobs. You were told four times you weren't supposed to use tape. And if you make it to finals I'm going to be pissed." Well! This is the most exciting thing to happen since Fat Ma has been in the house! An accusation! Kalyn is a cheater! Kalyn insists that she took it off after she was instructed to do so, but Katie says she saw it on her boob. Here's where my experience with residue comes in. It's totally possible that the dress stuck to the residue. Kalyn says over and over, "I took it off." But Katie just keeps saying she doesn't believe her. Someone's a sore loser. I thought Katie was going to take all of this out on Christopher. That was her plan last week, anyway - to give Christopher a piece of her mind. But this week all she can do is lash out at invisible tape. Personally I believe Kalyn. She's too innocent and naïve not to take the tape off after being ordered to do so. Katie just needs a reason to explain why Christopher isn't winning anymore.

"Because it can't possibly be Christopher's work. Or me."

Kalyn comes home and just can't get over being so maliciously accused. She says she hates confrontation and has been on the verge of tears ever since it happened. I totally hear that. Lately at my real job everything has been in a heated mess of tension and it's a good day when I leave the office without having cried. But I come home all the time stewing in the hostility - it's awful. Blast this horrid economy and the 400 applicants applying for every job I'm trying to get. And a lot of good my advanced degree is doing me. I'm being bullied by drop outs. If any of you beloved readers want to hire me, you know how to find me on the interweb. Ahem, moving on... just let me grab another Snickers out of the Halloween bowl to stifle my tears. The rest of the models seem to agree with me regarding Kalyn's innocence, and Mater gives her a pep talk on blocking out the crap and staying positive. Thanks Mater, I'll also be taking your advice.

Elsewhere Kojii is lamenting that models are people too and suddenly I'm over life at the modelplex. Elimination day! Poor Mater is hard at work with a straightening iron after Gordana's hair comments. What I wouldn't give for even a hint of a wave in my hair, but alas, the grass is always greener.

Kalyn loves straight ironing.

Ah, here comes Heidi to tell the designers they are choosing their models for the LAST challenge. It's the END OF THE ROAD!!! Here's how it goes, with nothing like surprise:

Althea chooses Cheetos with much flattery. Cheetos again dances into the holding tank.

Carol Hannah chooses Delta Burke, who tells us that SHE would pick Carol Hannah to win the whole thing. Gee, you think?

Dance, Delta Burke!

Christopher chooses Katie, who really wants to get famous, ugh.

Irina chooses Kalyn, who I think should come out wearing nothing but double stick tape. Screw Katie.

It comes down to Gordana to choose between Mater and Kojii. Gordana says she's never worked with Kojii, but she loves working with Mater and she loves her big beautiful hair. See Mater? All is well on top of your head.

So poor Kojii is doomed to go home and take care of her little girl, who will now have no role model for following her dreams. She'll have no choice now but to quit school and become homeless. And all because Kojii was eliminated from Project Runway. Good luck to you Kojii, and your little girl. Hang in there!

Did she ever favor us with a song?

Next time it's the last challenge! Katie is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and still threatening to call Kalyn out on the double stick tape thing. Oh do it, Katie! Let's go there!

So what do you think about Double Stick Tape Gate? Did Kalyn or didn't Kalyn? Will it make any difference whatsoever?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: Just Another Day in Excitingville

Moments before... Heidi is all dressed up as a dominatrix and trying to decide whether Christopher or Nicholas sucks worse. It's another fine episode of Models of the Runway!

"You will thank me and ask for another."

Katie pipes up to publicly chastise Christopher for being in the bottom two three times in a row - even though she's not even his model this week.

"Sorry Katie."

Katie, you suck. Besides, Nicholas is the one who is OUT, so Kojii - sitting there in his ridiculous outfit - is the one who needs to worry. She wonders if she's jinxing the designers because hers are always in the bottom three. I don't know, but you keep getting picked, Kojii, so you're doing something right.

Kalyn bounces backstage wearing Irina's winning multi-shades-of-brown-snowbunny outfit to congratulate and gush.

She better be on alert if it's hunting season.

We get a snippet of Irina telling Kalyn that ever since the movie costume challenge she's really come out of her shell. Kalyn decides she wants to stay with Irina because she's the most talented designer and the one who talks prettiest to her. She loves pretty talk.

"I'm the only one here with any talent - you are so lucky I chose you."

Here is Cheetos after not winning:

"Let's go home and NOT work out."

Nicholas comes backstage to bid farewell and he apologizes to Kojii for putting her in the losing outfit. Kojii defends him, saying he had to design an outfit inspired by Greece and he's never been there. Fail. Not ever having been to Greece is not an excuse for making crap, so later Nicholas. And Kojii even admits that she didn't feel pretty or sexy in his outfit. The models philosophize about Nicholas's future, but it's not too interesting.

Heidi time! I've decided that this portion is filmed right before the black slip lineup. Heidi's not in her dominatrix outfit anymore, so this is all a conspiracy to get us off-balance. First Heidi wants to rip on Nicholas for screwing up so bad with a Greece-inspired outfit.

Looking like she stepped off the set of Mamma Mia - negative.

Katie has lived in Greece (oh great) and says that all anyone wears there is long flowy dresses because it is so hot. And Nicholas made long sleeves and long pants. I'm no fashion designer, but isn't there a whole genre of dresses inspired by Greece? I mean, he had a total head start with the word "toga." I don't know where Kojii's office slacks came from, but I'm guessing not Greece. Anyway, Kojii's nervous now that she might get eliminated.

And back at the modelplex Delta Burke is tired. Not Mater and Kalyn! They decide to do a workout video and Cheetos scoffs. Here's where Katie contemplates threatening Christopher so that she'll be sure to get to go to Bryant Park.

"Doesn't he realize how this is affecting ME?"

Seriously, who made her Queen of the Skinnies? I don't get why she thinks that everyone reports to her. And does she honestly think that a tongue lashing from his supposed "muse" is going to make Christopher come up with anything better? It would be fun to watch, though, so maybe she'll do it despite my logic. Cheetos thinks it's their job to push their designers. Hey morons - it's your job to WALK. That's it. Stop overestimating your relevance here.

In other non-interesting news, Kojii and Celine go out for drinks to talk about how similar they are. They both like clothes and music, you know, the important stuff. They discuss their "unusual" looks and wonder which one of them Logan will pick.

The next day the girls all head off to burlesque class. At first I thought this might have something to do with the show, but alas, it's just something Delta Burke suggested for them all to blow off some steam. Meet Lux LaCroix, Mistress of Burlesque. She will be our friendly burlesque instructor for the afternoon. And lest we don't notice, she's also a PERFORMER so she knows of what she speaks. Mistress LaCroix arms the girls with feather boas and leads them in shaking their tiny boobs around.

Anything beyond walking is over their heads.

Celine calls it a "bump and grind class." Interesting that they paid money for this. Even more interesting that it was deemed camera-worthy and then airtime-worthy. That's the end of that story.

The next story is that Kalyn very earnestly explains to us that as a model you always have to be available to go on casting calls. Like Remember Arby's Erika? She was available to go on a casting call and it ended up leading to her getting a job on an Arby's commercial where she wears totally unflattering pants and pretends to work at Arby's. Aim high ladies. And inspired by Erika's shining example, Kalyn has booked a job with Paige Denim. Never heard of it, but good for Kalyn. The photographer takes a few shots of her butt and then has her canoodle with a guy - who is also, I assume, wearing Paige Denim. Kayln giggles that it was nice to be around boys. Even gay ones.

Boy model: "Can you teach me how to shape my eyebrows?"

And in our final disjointed story of the episode, Mater, Celine and Kojii attend an art show where they look at art and fret about being eliminated. Wow, this is a stretch. And someone greenlit a season 2???

Elimination Time! This week in a triumph of boredom, the designers can choose whomever they want. Remember! A model can make or break a look! Here's how it goes:

Winner Irina chooses Kalyn. Kalyn is thrilled.
Gordana chooses Mater, who has worked very hard for her, by the way.
Carol Hannah chooses Delta Burke.
Althea chooses Cheetos, who twirls into the holding tank.
Christopher chooses his beloved Katie, who reviews her note cards and prepares for her upcoming lecture.
Logan is last to choose from Celine and Kojii - how did they know it would come down to this? He stumbles around and then says he feels more loyal to Kojii.

Aw, so Celine is out. And she even dreamt last night that she'd be eliminated! Someone is clairvoyant! She was my favorite, attitude-wise, and the designers seemed to love her look, so that's too bad. Sealing my admiration for her, Celine puts her travel pillow around her neck before she even leaves the apartment. Atta girl. Sleep cures ALL. Farewell, Celine!

She's already mid-nap.

Next week Heidi asks which model wants it the most and Katie tells Kalyn she doesn't deserve to make it (or something). See you there, if you care!

Thank you beloved readers, for traversing this puzzle with me. I can't get my mind around this show, but I always have a blast reading your thoughts and encouragement, so feel free to sound off!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta