Models of the Runway: Decision Bryant Park!

"Who do I have to kill to prove I can walk!?"

Moments before... Don Draper convinced Bert Cooper and Roger Sterling to buy back Sterling Cooper and start all over! I don't know how I'm going to wait until next summer to see how this all plays out! And meanwhile Betty is off to Reno to wait out a divorce. So many exciting things happening - and none of them on Models of the Runway!

Okay let's talk about this latest game of Who's Going Home. What will our little brainiacs do to keep us mildly entertained for the next half hour? And they brought Joan back to help run the new agency! Ahem, models. The final five are sitting backstage waiting to see which designers made it to the finals for Fashion Week. Irina made it by wrapping Kalyn in a green sheet and cutting out holes for the shoulders. This is actually the closest thing I've seen to sleeves this entire season, so I give Irina half a prop for that. Other than that, this dress is fugly.

Where's Kalyn's skinny mirror when she needs it?

But since Irina is IN, Kalyn is hopeful that she will be chosen as her model for the finals. Next on the chopping block is Christopher, so Katie gets all nervous. But Christopher is OUT, for sending his same crap down the runway for the last time.

Gee, never seen this look before.

Delta Burke almost faints because the judges don't see the connection between an old-fashioned bed on display at the Getty Center museum and this:

Maybe if she'd been inspired by an Oscar statue...

But nevertheless Carol Hannah is IN and Delta is just so happy for her. So Cheetos and Mater are left to see which of their designers (Althea and Gordana respectively) will go on to the finals, and consequently, which of them. Well Althea is IN, so Cheetos breathes a sigh of relief while Mater hangs her head. Okay, well that settles that. We now know the models' fate as well, so... onward and upward, right? Wrong. We still have 20 minutes to fill with fretting and giggling. Here we go.

Christopher comes backstage sobbing, of course. He admonishes everyone to admit how amazing it is that he made it this far, and Katie comforts him by literally saying, "There was never anything that you sent down that was like horribly, horribly bad."

"OMG thank you Katie!"

And there you have it. With models like Katie, who needs judges to say you suck? She sends him off, saying she believes in him. Inside, we all know she is pissed off at him for blowing her chance at Bryant Park. Oh well Katie. You'll always have Double Stick Tape Gate.

Next in the holding tank is Gordana to apologize to Mater for ruining her career.

"It was all a big misunderstanding."

It's all good though because Mater still has Hugh Grant in her future. Mater waxes philosophic about the beauty of Gordana's last design. See, I'm ambivalent about this one. I know Gordana shed tears about the spirituality of her final design, but honestly it was so flippin simple. It was just an A-line strapless gown with layers. I could have practically made it. And I love me some European cathedrals, but come on. This was no feat of fashion.

Anyone tearing up?

Heidi time! Let me guess. She wants to know if anyone's nervous.

"Fahrvergnügen!"

She asks Katie how she feels about Christopher losing. Katie says she would have loved to accompany Christopher to Bryant Park and now she's nervous. Pretty much same go-round with Mater. Today was SO emotional and everyone has cried, boo hoo. Heidi offers the girls congrats on improving over the competition and then announces that a skin care expert and a makeup expert will be dropping by the modelplex with tips. Are you kidding me? At this point? Why? Wait, I know. Filler. Back home Katie brags that Irina has told her she's a really good walker. Yeah, I learned to walk when I was a year old, yee-haw.

All the girls except for Katie decide to go out for cocktails. Katie decides she needs some time alone to pout. Over drinks Mater shares the fact that Irina has mentioned wanting to work with Mater, so she's holding out some hope that maybe Irina will choose her. This statement makes Kalyn do this:

"I love... wait a second!"

So the next day the L'Oreal guy and a dermatologist drop by to give out some beauty tips. Okay, let's think about this. A dermatologist is hired to appear on camera to promote a specific line of skin care. You know, L'Oreal Skin Genesis because they haven't pimped that enough yet during the opening credits of every single episode. Can we really trust anything this doctor is going to tell us? I mean what, would she really say that other brands are just as good or better? Cripes, use sunscreen girls. That's the goldmine of knowledge this dermy has to share with you. That and eye creams work. You're welcome. Then the L'Oreal guy shows Cheetos this L'Oreal mascara that is "just as good" as fake lashes. I actually received this very product in a gift bag at one of the many fabulous Hollywood events I'm invited to attend and I've tried it. It's fine, but there's NO WAY it's just as good as fake lashes. It's weird though, because when you wash your face there are all these lashes left in the sink. Not your lashes, but the mascara attaches in little tubes to your lashes, so those little tubes wash off and it's very odd and disconcerting. I would actually say don't buy it for that reason alone.

If you can read upside down, then I've accomplished product placement.

The models actually applaud the makeup guy and the dermy when they finish. Just think, a GOOD makeup brand like Smashbox might have received a standing ovation.

On elimination day as the girls are getting ready to leave, Katie decides to twist the knife one last time and tells everyone that if she's eliminated she going to scream about the double stick tape.

"I see them! I see the elves! They're coming for me!"

Kalyn's like, "Oh Katie, I thought we were going to drop it." And that's the end of that. Well that was overhyped on the previews.

Heidi comes out to tell the top three designers that this is a very important decision because the models they choose today will walk for them at Bryant Park. Oh really? I didn't catch that the first 500 times. Althea is drawn first and she chooses Cheetos, who is always chosen first. She says that Cheetos is a fabulous model and a fabulous friend. Carol Hannah also says that Delta Burke has become a really good friend and she's excited to take her to New York. And now it's up to Irina to make one girl's dreams come true and ruin two other girls' lives.

Irina asks if she can pick the blonde one.

First she jokes that she'd like to take all three, ha ha ha. Then she gushes all over Kalyn about how she's beautiful inside and out and coming along to New York! Kalyn's like, "Irina really deserves it? I'm so excited to be her model?" Why is everything a question?

So Katie and Mater are O-U-T. And no outburst from Katie about double stick tape. In fact, she's quite gracious. The girls all gather in the holding tank to hug and congratulate each other. Heidi leaves with a "Tschuss!" to complete the show with some German. Later the top three designers come over to hang out with their models and they crack some champagne and reminisce about the good times. They all toast each other and generally kiss each other's butts. You're amazing. No, you're amazing. We are ALL amazing. Cheers!

"Here's to you little people!"

Next time, it's the finale! And we're still having an episode. I'll be here to tell you all about it! So what do you think? Did the right models make it? I'm kinda glad Katie didn't. I did like Mater, though. What about you?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: Double Stick Tape Gate

"Does the word 'residue' mean anything to you?"

Moments before Models of the Runway... Logan has YET AGAIN designed something fugly and landed himself in the bottom. This time Kojii is all bedazzled out in zippers decorating a black and white Judy Jetson outfit. It was meant to be a companion piece to a "good" outfit he made:

Well maybe companion pieces in the "random fug" collection.

Heidi describes the look as "too tricked out," but really it's just stupid. Gordana is also in the bottom for a much less ridiculous outfit, but the judges didn't like hers either. I actually like this one better than Gordana's winning outfit - this one's a jacket with cute details around the waist, but for some unexplained reason the judges don't like it.

So one is ridiculous and one is... not?

The judging is so random this season so there's no point in trying to figure it out. The good news is that after MANY fugly entries and zero wins, Logan is finally OUT. Aufwiedersehen, sucker! Kojii's like, "oh crap, none of the other designers even know who I am." How does this bode for our Irish lass?

Cheetos comes backstage to congratulate Althea, who won for making pants that no one in their right mind would wear. If you can imagine pants that are designed to flatter the female figure, think of exactly the opposite of that and you have Althea's "paper bag" pants.

Oh if only I could make my hips look wider and my legs look shorter!

They poof around your hips and thighs and I believe that Malvin was eliminated way back for making pants shaped like this and saying that they deliberately make a woman look like she has chicken legs. See what I mean about the judging this season? Anyway Cheetos tells Althea how much fun she's having wearing her cool designs and totally working it on the runway.

Meanwhile Mater is totally offended that Gordana pointed out on the runway that she has a lot of hair and Gordana didn't want that hair to pull focus from her design. Watching Gordana talk, it didn't really sound like an insult so much as pointing out a fact, but Mater takes it personally and fears that this may mean elimination. And here comes Logan in his silver pants to say goodbye. The girls are all devastated to be losing such a hottie (?) because he is a "genuine human being" as Katie tells us. A genuine human being who had little business on Project Runway, however.

Time to retire the winning silver pants.

Heidi time! Heidi wants to know the models' thoughts on the latest challenge. Cheetos LOVED it! But totally not because her designer won or anything. Heidi wants to know if Kojii is worried now that Logan is gone. Yes Heidi, everyone is worried... except Cheetos. Mater whines about her hair again and Heidi tells them that they're all doing a fantastic job. Particularly Kojii, who stood on the runway in total crap and sold it like a staaah. We get a little flashback and Heidi's right. Kojii stood there proudly the whole time.

Making Heidi proud.

And now for today's scandal. It seems that Kalyn's dress (courtesy of Irina) had quite a bit of trouble staying up on her chest over her boobs, so Kalyn asked around and found some double stick tape to help cover her goodies. Then a production assistant burst into the model holding tank and told her she HAD to take it off because it gave her designer an unfair advantage, and someone else had to take theirs off last week, so there's that too. It's so funny. They can use hot glue guns, but when it comes to double stick tape that's where they draw the line? I guess Irina should have (and could have) hot glued the dress to Kalyn's boobs.

Time for the decision of a lifetime, Kalyn.

SIDEBAR: double stick clothing tape is a miracle. And not just for going-out clothes. I personally own button down shirts that exist permanently double stick taped closed so they don't bubble all up when I sit down. I have also used it as Kalyn tried to do in this challenge - where the outfit is on my body only in theory and would be on the floor if not for the aid of the double stick tape. Just be careful if the fabric is sparkly because that is some strong stuff, which leads me to my next point. Residue. When using that tape to keep fabric on your body, it is impossible to come completely off of your skin without the aid of a shower or at least some rubbing alcohol. So Katie's upcoming tantrum really rubs me the wrong way.

"I have something to get off my chest. And it's NOT residue!"

Back in the holding tank Katie sits down and slumps into a totally pissed off position. Cheetos asks her what that is all about and Katie decides to out with everything. "Kalyn, you used tape on your boobs. You were told four times you weren't supposed to use tape. And if you make it to finals I'm going to be pissed." Well! This is the most exciting thing to happen since Fat Ma has been in the house! An accusation! Kalyn is a cheater! Kalyn insists that she took it off after she was instructed to do so, but Katie says she saw it on her boob. Here's where my experience with residue comes in. It's totally possible that the dress stuck to the residue. Kalyn says over and over, "I took it off." But Katie just keeps saying she doesn't believe her. Someone's a sore loser. I thought Katie was going to take all of this out on Christopher. That was her plan last week, anyway - to give Christopher a piece of her mind. But this week all she can do is lash out at invisible tape. Personally I believe Kalyn. She's too innocent and naïve not to take the tape off after being ordered to do so. Katie just needs a reason to explain why Christopher isn't winning anymore.

"Because it can't possibly be Christopher's work. Or me."

Kalyn comes home and just can't get over being so maliciously accused. She says she hates confrontation and has been on the verge of tears ever since it happened. I totally hear that. Lately at my real job everything has been in a heated mess of tension and it's a good day when I leave the office without having cried. But I come home all the time stewing in the hostility - it's awful. Blast this horrid economy and the 400 applicants applying for every job I'm trying to get. And a lot of good my advanced degree is doing me. I'm being bullied by drop outs. If any of you beloved readers want to hire me, you know how to find me on the interweb. Ahem, moving on... just let me grab another Snickers out of the Halloween bowl to stifle my tears. The rest of the models seem to agree with me regarding Kalyn's innocence, and Mater gives her a pep talk on blocking out the crap and staying positive. Thanks Mater, I'll also be taking your advice.

Elsewhere Kojii is lamenting that models are people too and suddenly I'm over life at the modelplex. Elimination day! Poor Mater is hard at work with a straightening iron after Gordana's hair comments. What I wouldn't give for even a hint of a wave in my hair, but alas, the grass is always greener.

Kalyn loves straight ironing.

Ah, here comes Heidi to tell the designers they are choosing their models for the LAST challenge. It's the END OF THE ROAD!!! Here's how it goes, with nothing like surprise:

Althea chooses Cheetos with much flattery. Cheetos again dances into the holding tank.

Carol Hannah chooses Delta Burke, who tells us that SHE would pick Carol Hannah to win the whole thing. Gee, you think?

Dance, Delta Burke!

Christopher chooses Katie, who really wants to get famous, ugh.

Irina chooses Kalyn, who I think should come out wearing nothing but double stick tape. Screw Katie.

It comes down to Gordana to choose between Mater and Kojii. Gordana says she's never worked with Kojii, but she loves working with Mater and she loves her big beautiful hair. See Mater? All is well on top of your head.

So poor Kojii is doomed to go home and take care of her little girl, who will now have no role model for following her dreams. She'll have no choice now but to quit school and become homeless. And all because Kojii was eliminated from Project Runway. Good luck to you Kojii, and your little girl. Hang in there!

Did she ever favor us with a song?

Next time it's the last challenge! Katie is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and still threatening to call Kalyn out on the double stick tape thing. Oh do it, Katie! Let's go there!

So what do you think about Double Stick Tape Gate? Did Kalyn or didn't Kalyn? Will it make any difference whatsoever?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: Just Another Day in Excitingville

Moments before... Heidi is all dressed up as a dominatrix and trying to decide whether Christopher or Nicholas sucks worse. It's another fine episode of Models of the Runway!

"You will thank me and ask for another."

Katie pipes up to publicly chastise Christopher for being in the bottom two three times in a row - even though she's not even his model this week.

"Sorry Katie."

Katie, you suck. Besides, Nicholas is the one who is OUT, so Kojii - sitting there in his ridiculous outfit - is the one who needs to worry. She wonders if she's jinxing the designers because hers are always in the bottom three. I don't know, but you keep getting picked, Kojii, so you're doing something right.

Kalyn bounces backstage wearing Irina's winning multi-shades-of-brown-snowbunny outfit to congratulate and gush.

She better be on alert if it's hunting season.

We get a snippet of Irina telling Kalyn that ever since the movie costume challenge she's really come out of her shell. Kalyn decides she wants to stay with Irina because she's the most talented designer and the one who talks prettiest to her. She loves pretty talk.

"I'm the only one here with any talent - you are so lucky I chose you."

Here is Cheetos after not winning:

"Let's go home and NOT work out."

Nicholas comes backstage to bid farewell and he apologizes to Kojii for putting her in the losing outfit. Kojii defends him, saying he had to design an outfit inspired by Greece and he's never been there. Fail. Not ever having been to Greece is not an excuse for making crap, so later Nicholas. And Kojii even admits that she didn't feel pretty or sexy in his outfit. The models philosophize about Nicholas's future, but it's not too interesting.

Heidi time! I've decided that this portion is filmed right before the black slip lineup. Heidi's not in her dominatrix outfit anymore, so this is all a conspiracy to get us off-balance. First Heidi wants to rip on Nicholas for screwing up so bad with a Greece-inspired outfit.

Looking like she stepped off the set of Mamma Mia - negative.

Katie has lived in Greece (oh great) and says that all anyone wears there is long flowy dresses because it is so hot. And Nicholas made long sleeves and long pants. I'm no fashion designer, but isn't there a whole genre of dresses inspired by Greece? I mean, he had a total head start with the word "toga." I don't know where Kojii's office slacks came from, but I'm guessing not Greece. Anyway, Kojii's nervous now that she might get eliminated.

And back at the modelplex Delta Burke is tired. Not Mater and Kalyn! They decide to do a workout video and Cheetos scoffs. Here's where Katie contemplates threatening Christopher so that she'll be sure to get to go to Bryant Park.

"Doesn't he realize how this is affecting ME?"

Seriously, who made her Queen of the Skinnies? I don't get why she thinks that everyone reports to her. And does she honestly think that a tongue lashing from his supposed "muse" is going to make Christopher come up with anything better? It would be fun to watch, though, so maybe she'll do it despite my logic. Cheetos thinks it's their job to push their designers. Hey morons - it's your job to WALK. That's it. Stop overestimating your relevance here.

In other non-interesting news, Kojii and Celine go out for drinks to talk about how similar they are. They both like clothes and music, you know, the important stuff. They discuss their "unusual" looks and wonder which one of them Logan will pick.

The next day the girls all head off to burlesque class. At first I thought this might have something to do with the show, but alas, it's just something Delta Burke suggested for them all to blow off some steam. Meet Lux LaCroix, Mistress of Burlesque. She will be our friendly burlesque instructor for the afternoon. And lest we don't notice, she's also a PERFORMER so she knows of what she speaks. Mistress LaCroix arms the girls with feather boas and leads them in shaking their tiny boobs around.

Anything beyond walking is over their heads.

Celine calls it a "bump and grind class." Interesting that they paid money for this. Even more interesting that it was deemed camera-worthy and then airtime-worthy. That's the end of that story.

The next story is that Kalyn very earnestly explains to us that as a model you always have to be available to go on casting calls. Like Remember Arby's Erika? She was available to go on a casting call and it ended up leading to her getting a job on an Arby's commercial where she wears totally unflattering pants and pretends to work at Arby's. Aim high ladies. And inspired by Erika's shining example, Kalyn has booked a job with Paige Denim. Never heard of it, but good for Kalyn. The photographer takes a few shots of her butt and then has her canoodle with a guy - who is also, I assume, wearing Paige Denim. Kayln giggles that it was nice to be around boys. Even gay ones.

Boy model: "Can you teach me how to shape my eyebrows?"

And in our final disjointed story of the episode, Mater, Celine and Kojii attend an art show where they look at art and fret about being eliminated. Wow, this is a stretch. And someone greenlit a season 2???

Elimination Time! This week in a triumph of boredom, the designers can choose whomever they want. Remember! A model can make or break a look! Here's how it goes:

Winner Irina chooses Kalyn. Kalyn is thrilled.
Gordana chooses Mater, who has worked very hard for her, by the way.
Carol Hannah chooses Delta Burke.
Althea chooses Cheetos, who twirls into the holding tank.
Christopher chooses his beloved Katie, who reviews her note cards and prepares for her upcoming lecture.
Logan is last to choose from Celine and Kojii - how did they know it would come down to this? He stumbles around and then says he feels more loyal to Kojii.

Aw, so Celine is out. And she even dreamt last night that she'd be eliminated! Someone is clairvoyant! She was my favorite, attitude-wise, and the designers seemed to love her look, so that's too bad. Sealing my admiration for her, Celine puts her travel pillow around her neck before she even leaves the apartment. Atta girl. Sleep cures ALL. Farewell, Celine!

She's already mid-nap.

Next week Heidi asks which model wants it the most and Katie tells Kalyn she doesn't deserve to make it (or something). See you there, if you care!

Thank you beloved readers, for traversing this puzzle with me. I can't get my mind around this show, but I always have a blast reading your thoughts and encouragement, so feel free to sound off!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: Don't You Bring Me Down Today

"I will CUT that ho."

Moments before... Christopher and Shirin are in the bottom for designing tacky crap and trying to pass it off as stage wear for Christina Aguilera, who as we all know, wears nothing but high class when she’s performing.

"I am beautiful, no matter what you say..."

To be fair, no one did a great job on this challenge. What’s with all the black and white? This was their chance to do something truly eye-catching and over-the-top, and what did we get? Black and white gowns. Have they got anything else going on in those artsy brains? Cause I haven’t seen it. Christopher made a jacket-dress that peeled off to reveal a flimsy corset and hot pants embroidered with SILVER BRIC-A-BRAC.

The garter really classes things up.

Would it be possible to get any tackier? You could tell that Christina was secretly overwhelmed and totally wished she could tear it off of Katie’s body and wear it to pick up her toddler from pre-school right then and there, but she saved face by saying she didn’t like it.

Shirin made a black and white ball gown. I didn’t think it was all that bad, but when the examples you are shown are from Bob Mackie and look like this:

You can’t really get away with an ordinary looking black and white ball gown. And for Christina Aguilera? The more insane the better. PS – it was news to me that Christina Aguilera is a fashion icon. Did I miss something?

Revealing your cervix is SO fashion forward.

Oh well, there’s no figuring out how we started out with examples like this:

Inspired by the glorious Tina Turner

And ended up with this:

The weekly status quo

So suffice it to say that Shirin is OUT. And by the way, here is what won:

Seriously

Yeah, I don’t get the massive chasm between winner and loser either, especially with crap like Christopher’s in between, but whatevs. Heidi announces that Shirin sucks and Ebony lets out a piercing whine and slams herself into the bathroom. Welcome to Models of the Runway! Delta Burke trots over to congratulate Carol Hannah and then visits the bathroom to try to intercede in Ebony’s tantrum. Delta Burke says that it has nothing to do with Ebony; it’s only the result of the outfit Shirin designed, but Ebony shrieks that she tried to encourage Shirin and give her advice. Don’t overrate your influence with the designers there, Ebony. They’ve probably learned to block you out as white noise. Besides, none of this means that another designer won’t snatch you up, right? Right?

Aw here comes Shirin, trudging backstage to say goodbye. Ebony’s like, “How could you put me in this position, you bitch?” But she only says that in her head. Out loud she just cries and pouts and this turns into Shirin comforting Ebony, instead of the other way around. Way to keep it together, Ebony.

"You'll call me when you have a casting, right?"

Stop. Heidi time! Heidi wants to know what it was like for the girls to see Christina Aguilera live and in person. I’ll tell you what it was like.

"...words can't bring me down!"

But Pollyanna Kalyn, of course, was really, really excited to see Christina Aguilera and she was really, really sweet. She was really, really pleasantly surprised. Oh barf. A friend of mine worked at a venue where Christina Aguilera was once a guest at a party and “really, really sweet” is about 180 degrees opposite of what I heard she was like. Delta Burke is stoked that her designer won, even though Heidi says the design should have had a reveal. Then Katie complains about how bad her butt looked in the hot pants. Cry me a river, tubs. Heidi scolds Kalyn for not helping out Nicholas’s design. Kalyn’s all wide eyed and innocent, going, “On the runway?” No, in the dressing room. Of course on the runway. It seems that she modeled it fine, but while Nicholas was being critiqued she looked like she would rather be dead.

"Are we done? I need to go practice my triple salchow."

Same with Ebony. Heidi wonders if the girls are nervous about elimination. Nope! Not this week, Heidi. This week no one cares about going home.

And we’re onto the modelplex portion of the program. Katie eats Ramen noodles and rips on Christopher’s designs of late. She has no idea what’s going on in his head and furthermore, she doesn’t like it! Guess what else. Ebony is skerd that she will be eliminated because all the designers are being loyal and now her loyal designer is outie. How will she ever make it to Bryant Park now??

The next day the gals are all in a flutter getting ready to go to a Garnier casting! They’re passing scripts around and an unidentified voice goes, “So apparently this is what we’re going to read?” Oh. My. Gosh. CAN you read, little models? Here’s Delta upon learning that she’s going to her first ever SPEAKING casting:

First up at the audition is Cheetos, and she actually does a pretty good job. She remembers the lines and says them just like you’d see any other model on TV saying them. Katie’s fine, Kalyn is cute with her usual beaming clueless look. Kojii’s fine, then Ebony steps into the studio and totally chokes on her own tongue. To us she says that people don’t get her personality (and that sound bite was taken totally out of context), but that’s clearly not the problem here. The problem here is that she can’t recite a paragraph she was instructed to memorize without looking like a frightened deer in headlights. Even worse is Delta, who makes the cameraman look like he’s contemplating suicide.

"I knew I should have grabbed those cyanide capsules."

She can’t remember the word “nutrisse,” (brand she’s advertising) and she can’t pronounce “nourish.” She reads her note card the entire time and just sits there apologizing and twisting her hair. I bet she gets it. Ha!

"Hopefully my beauty overshadows my illiteracy."

The cameraman is like, “Whatever, thanks.” Later Katie says she got a callback, but I’m already bored of this storyline and who knows if they’re ever even going to revisit it to let us know how it comes out.

Elimination day! Here comes Heidi with her bag of tricks and I’m noticing that she’s wearing the same thing she wore when the models were having Heidi time. Ah, continuity. Anyway, Heidi announces that they’re switching it up again and no one can choose the model they worked with in the last challenge. The models file out in their black slips and tense up at news of the switch – all but Ebony of course, who sees her shot at redemption.

"Hail Heidi Klum!"

Delta’s all pissed because her designer won but must pick someone else. And speaking of Carol Hannah, she goes first and chooses Cheetos. Cheetos might snack on junk food, but she’s got something going on for her and I must admit that she did a good job at the audition. (Where’s HER callback?) Plus, I could slam a bag of Cheetos in no time flat, so who am I to criticize?

"Mmm. Cheetos."

Other choices of interest: Logan picks Celine, Nicholas picks Kojii, Christopher picks Mater, then it comes down to Ebony and Delta Burke on the runway and it’s all up to Althea. And she picks Delta. So the grand switch up didn’t save Ebony after all.

Lisa has a theory that Carol Hannah and Althea just switched models to help each other out, but I’m not so sure the designers even care THAT much. Oh well, I guess it’s good Ebony got her tantrum on earlier because she’s deathly calm about this final verdict.

"I knew I should have grabbed those cyanide capsules."

She tells us that modeling is something she was built to do. The desire is getting stronger and stronger and she’s more hungry. Yes, I’m sure models get more hungry by the day until they finally obliterate the urge to eat and their bodies give up on asking for fuel. Result: anorexia. Leading to: runway jobs!

walking

corpses

Next week the models all go to burlesque class. Oh for the love of all things. WHY? This better have something to do with an upcoming challenge or else what is the freaking point? Who cares if they know how to shake feather boas? Also, Kalyn goes on a legitimate photo shoot and Katie contemplates ordering Christopher to get some balls so that she can stay in the competition. She really needs to shut the crap up.

Any thoughts on this week? What would YOU have designed for Christina Aguilera?

Thanks for reading!

-Honey Gangsta

Project Runway - The Baron of Burgundy

"What arbitrary thing shall come out of my mouth next?"

Guess who's been a total slacker in the recap department? That's right - me! But I have excuses, and since it's my blog, I am allowed to hide behind them. The week after Pablocito wrote his manspective of Project Runway, I was faced with a choice - recap Project Runway or compete full force in the office bake-off. I won the office bake-off and was crowned 2009 office bake-off champion, a title that was toasted with champagne, and a burst of serotonin that lasted at least 24 hours. The following week, I was off to Los Angeles to frolic with my friends and family. I had every intention of writing a recap then, but found myself so out of time, that I couldn't even get my eyebrows threaded in little India. So there I was last week, recapless and bushy browed.

And then this week - no other than HoneyGangsta is coming to sleep on MY couch for a much overdue weekend visit. Even Pablocito mocked me last night for taking notes during the show - why bother? So I have to cram in this recap now - for all of the 1 or 2 of you who are reading.

HG!

Episode 7 - Something blue

OK! End of excuses. Episode 7 was a bit of a snoozefest - their challenge was to design something freaking blue! Heidi hinted to the designers that their next challenge will be very colorful and Shirin guessed that they were making outfits out of parachutes! Brilliant.

It was a team challenge and they had to make a holiday dress in blue for Inc. Designs for Macy's. The winning designer got to design a dress to be actually sold at Macy's.

One particular interesting part of this episode was when Tim Gunn declared that Christopher and Epperson reinvented the shirt dress, then said shirt dress was crapped all over by Heidi and [WELCOME BACK!!!] Michael Kors. Awesome.



Irina ended up winning, and then during the commercials they showed us the holiday dress Irina "designed" to be sold at Macy's and it was this ridiculous piece that I could have designed:


What makes this a holiday dress, I have no idea. I have tank tops that are better designed than this. Who is the target of this? Mariah Carey?

"Did someone say butterflies? And rainbows? And happy faces?"

Irina won, Louise lost. Christopher cried.

Episode 8 - Wedding dress bonanza

This week's challenge was to turn divorced women's wedding dresses into something cool and hip to wear everyday. Some women came out on the runway to join Heidi in their crusty old wedding dresses. Upon announcing how long these women have been divorced, Gordana pipes up and congratulates them for either failing to keep their promise or making a terrible judgment in getting married in the first place, I couldn't figure out which. The designers then had to pick their wedding dress as worn by the divorcees, and the strategy was getting the dresses with the most fabric.

Shirin had a complete meltdown this episode, she started crying in front of Tim because she was so frustrated. Tim was really sweet, he hugged her and gave her some advice to play with the different textiles on the work desk. I thought he was going to sit down and start stitching up the dress with Shirin, but alas, he walked away.

Michael Kors was back!!!! And we had another guest judge - the founder of Jimmy Cho, which I could have sworn was an Asian man, but alas, it was British woman named Tamara. Very odd.

The top 3 dresses were those of Gordana, Shirin, Irina, and the bottom 3 dresses belonged to Christopher, Epperson and Logan.

Gordana somehow managed to win, and Epperson offended Heidi Frau by mimicking her Octoberfest '08 outfit and was dismissed immediately.



Episode 9 - Glitter!

We are all caught up now! And we start off with Shirin's gigantic ego rivaling the size of the balloon that could sweep a little boy up in the air in Colorado. If we recall, last week she was getting pieced back together by Tim Gunn after she lost it on the wedding dress challenge. Carol Hanna meanwhile feels like she's been riding in the middle. I feel that predicament is unfair, as I think she has deisgned some really awesome stuff. I thought her newspaper dress was the best of them all and she didn't even qualify for top 3.

A True German

Heidi comes out in a weird loose black silky top and some even weirder red tight pants. My friend in NJ once made fun of those darn Germans and their red pants - and here it is, stereotype personified!

Other Germans in Red Pants:

(honorary German)

She has some cryptic message for the designers about their next challenge and how they'll want to really shine, blah blah. The designer meet Tim at the FIDM museum along with Bob Mackie - the Sultan of Sequins! Their challenge is to create an extravagant stage look. Bobby tells us that this is not fashion, it's the stage! It's many steps above. He continues to tell them to take their designs to another level, another period, another Goddess from a mythical character. Bobby is a nut job.

We also find out that the design is for Christina Aguilera! Except, they're not saying that she will be wearing it or buying it. Even during the judging, she makes no commitment to even trying it on - so how exactly is this for Christina Aguilera?

In any case, that little detail did not register with Nicolas, who has been peeing all over the floors of the FIDM museum since he first laid eyes on Bob Mackey and has now started extracting liquids from other parts of his body with excitement at the proposition of having Christina Aguilera exist as his muse for this challenge.

The designers have $300 (!!!) for this challenge and two days. Carol Hanna and Shirin are struggling with this challenge, they haven't made anything so extravagant. Gordana is a complete mess and remains one throughout this episode. I've become scarred by her yelling and complaining in that Eastern European accent, and can't really talk about her anymore. She reminds me of someone I don't want to be reminded of, but also can't figure out who. I juts want her off my telly screen. But she has immunity, so one more week.

Tim comes to the work room to mentorize. Christopher shows him his outfit, which consists of a cover up and a reveal outfit - so a jacket and then something underneath. Tim Gunn tells him that if he's gonna have a reveal, then he wants the outfit to be more slutty. Nice one, Tim Gunn. He then talks to Alteah, who also is going to have a reveal...duhn duhn duhn! Tim then criticizes her and Christopher for creating a pumpkin that will pop out on the runway. Geez Tim - is it that time of the month or what?

"More slutification, please"

Then he tells Nicolas that his outfit looks exactly like his winning ice queen outfit from a few weeks ago. Tim warns Nicolas to be careful of being labeled a "one note."

Irina confessionals that she doesn't get how Shirin is still in this competition, and labeled her a bargain basement designer. Ouch!

We then get to see her tell her model that the "little blonde one" (Carol Hanna) really annoys the crap out of her, and that if she was going to be a mediocre designer, at least she should have a good personality. Nicolas over hears it and tells us that Irina is a giant biatch and she acts like everyone works for her.

It's runway time, and our judges are Bob Mackey, the Sultan of Sequins, Nina Garcia (welcome back!) and a really short, round faced Christina Aguilera.

Au Natural

Here were my initial reactions:

Althea - silvery
Logan - rock and roll
Shirin - interesting
Christopher - underwear
Nicolas - cute
Gordana - nightgown
Irina - ice skater
Carol Hanna - glamorous

Irina is excused, her scores qualified her to go to the next round. Next, Gordana gets a verbal whipping from Heidi who tells her that she is extremely lucky to have immunity, because her look was a disaster.

The top 3 desingers are: Althea, Carol Hanna, and Nicolas
They of course loved Nicolas' dress, despite Tim's warnings that it looked a lot like the frozen ice queen look - it was never even mentioned.


The bottom 3 designers are: Logan (again), Christopher (again), and Shirin.
They called Shirin's dress an upscale witch halloween costume. Christopher got criticized for revisiting Christina's Lady Marmalade look - Bingo Christopher, you officially got "slutty" stamped on your outfit. Too bad you followed Tim Gunn's advice. And Logan's dress was called cavewoman-esque.


Carol Hanna finally won, and poor Shirin was auf'd despite the fact that both Logan and Christopher are frequent flyers in the bottom 3 shit train.

Winner

Loser

Looks like next week someone finally calls Irina out for being a giant biatch. Sounds like fun.

Tell me what you guys thought about the glitter episode...

Models of the Runway: A Model Misunderstands

"THIS is why you'll never be a Model of the Runway."

Moments before... I was watching Mad Men and trying to guess what the episode might TRULY be about before I find out for reals on the interwebs tomorrow. I love that show, but every time I read commentary on it, I realize it's way over my head. So many layers. So much symbolism and hidden meaning. So many contradictions. Smart people watch and deconstruct the universe. I watch and wish I could do my hair like Betty's. And that's why I'm here to bring you the latest and greatest from Models of the Runway!

So what's going on in the world of the brainless? From the holding tank Kojii gives us one of our much anticipated, long awaited model quotes: "I think it's horrible that one of the girls is going to have to go home and there's nothing that any of us can do about it." Ding, ding! Glad you finally caught up, Kojii, because that is a key element to this show. One of you is going home EVERY EPISODE and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Now, she may have meant this on a deeper level, in that she could be vocalizing the frustration that the models are merely pawns in this grand chess match we call Project Runway. Nothing they ever say or do makes any difference and they are at the total mercy of the designers and judges. That is also true, and a thought which required much more cerebral effort to formulate. AND makes this companion series all that much more useless and boring, but here we are. Celine is in frenzy because Logan really blew it this time and she's not sure of her popularity among the designers. Yes, we're back for another episode of this.

This time I'm more confused than ever because our beloved models didn't even get to model this week. Instead, a bunch of divorcees got their wedding gowns made over into some supposedly cool outfit for them to start their new lives in. And I've got to go ahead and say here that nothing I saw coming down the runway made me the least bit excited to start anything - certainly not to start this recap. I wasn't even crazy about Gordana's winning gray fraying thing.

Ghoul Prom

Nothing against Gordana as a person, but I wouldn't wear that rag. I go for more high-end fashion, like Old Navy. Celine has a point, though. Logan's outfit sucked BUNS. That was such a frumpy pile of trash, the only thing that lady should be starting is a trip to Goodwill.

"Form an orderly line, gentlemen!"

And was gray the only available dye this week? Sheesh. My favorite was probably Shirin's, but even that just made the divorcee look like she was ready to start a tennis match.

"15 - LOVE!"

So what are we going to watch with the models? Let me guess - them fretting that they may be eliminated. Shall I just skip to the end now? Inexplicably Gordana still comes into the model tank to be congratulated, even though no one in here wore her outfit. The girls wonder whether Gordana will pick Tara or Mater. Oh the suspense! And now here's Epperson for his send-off from the models. Smell ya later, airheads. Smell YOU later, dread locks. Aw, poor Epperson. He did some cool stuff from time to time.

Heidi Time! Heidi wants to know how this week went for the girls and they all say they had SO MUCH FUN! What, watching? Oh, it seems that they got to give the divorcees modeling lessons.

Look at all the pumpkins!

And NOW we understand the significance of the girls' runway coaching session from The Great Pumpkin last week. It's all coming full circle. In model class Cheetos takes the lead and shows her divorcee all about how the models always start off BEHIND the Project Runway screen doing a pose, and THEN they come out and walk down the runway.

Divorcee: "Should I pretend to be really dumb too?"

Wait, start over, Cheetos. I'm confused. But she doesn't start over and continues right down the runway where she holds a pose for three seconds and then WALKS BACK. I'm so lost. This is HARD! There's even something about a "closing pose" and I give up. I hope I can borrow notes from someone else if I am ever called upon to walk a runway. Wait, one of the divorcees just does a Soul Train dance down the runway, and I call dibbs on that. That's what I'd do too.

This is what we call MAKING an outfit.

So Heidi mentions that the models are going to take the divorcees out for drinks tonight and the plan for this episode is unfolding. Or at least we get a new venue at which they can sit around fretting.

Sure enough, all the models and all the divorcees meet up at the Red Pearl Kitchen to get wasted. Partaaaaay! Interesting tidbits from the drunken conversation: Katie tells Celine that her boobs need to take out ad space in the LA Times because they are always exposed. Celine has boobs? One divorcee advises Kalyn to wait a few years before getting married. Kalyn is 19, did we really need to say that out loud? Wait, Kalyn is from Texas, so yes we did. Kojii says the divorcees are all really confident and a blast to hang out with, and I'm hearing a little of her brogue for the first time ever. Oh wait, hold everything! One of the divorcees has written a poem about her Project Runway experience that she will now recite, poetry-slam style. Here it is:

Project Runway designer, my ex was a drag.
Why should keep this old white rag?
Project Runway designer, please don't look so grim,
Just make it work! Listen to Tim.

Wow, that was inspiring. I'm going to elope ASAP, just so I can become a divorcee like her and have my wedding dress chopped up into frump-wear.

"Why do some words sound like other words, but they're not the same words?"

Well wouldn't you know it? The next day the girls sit around worrying about who will be eliminated! I guess this means that last week's selection is simply null and void because we're starting all over and choosing again, even though last week's pairings haven't been utilized. But before we get to all that the girls are going out again! This time sans divorcees. Getting dressed, Kalyn checks herself out in a mirror and is delighted to discover that it's a skinny mirror! Oh is it now? Have we also been watching through skinny cameras? I mean, how much skinnier does she want to look?

"Does this makeup make me look fat?"

Oh wait, she's a model, so the closer to death, the better. Seriously. I've seen these high fashion runway shows (on my computer). I just keep thinking: concentration camp liberation day. That's what they all look like to me, but luckily Kalyn found a skinny mirror! What do I say to that? Anyway, later the girls sip cocktails at a club and wonder who will be eliminated. Riveting.

Models - they're just like us!

Elimination Day! Heidi reminds the designers that on this last challenge they used everyday-women, but for this next challenge, they will be allowed, once again, to use their Models of the Runway. Remember, a model can make or break a look! As the winner, Gordana chooses first and everyone thinks that she's going to pick Tara because, well it seems that Gordana told Tara she would. But before she can choose, one of the models lets one rip. And thanks to the brilliant editors of this piece of crap, it's not even a funny moment. The girls start giggling and Heidi goes, "What happened? Someone farted? It wasn't me!" Oh thanks, Heidi, because everyone knows that the sublime Heidi Klum NEVER passes gas. I'm surprised she even knows the word "fart."

"Did you just hear Heidi say 'fart?' Heidi Klum!"

But for our pinnacles of intelligence up there in their matching black slips, this is the funniest thing to happen EVER. I wish I could laugh too, but alas, the creators have made sure to make this moment as unfunny as possible.

Well Gordana chooses Mater, who is NOT Tara. Tara is all befuddled since Gordana had promised to choose her. Hmm, what's that about? When Althea chooses Cheetos, Gordana whispers that she thought she was going to pick Tara. Oh okay, so Gordana thought that Tara would work with Althea this week, then she'd get her back. Ah well, the best laid plans of mice and men... And sure enough, Tara is left dangling on the runway after all is said and done. Backstage Gordana bursts into tears. When Tara comes to tell her goodbye she just sobs that it was a huge misunderstanding. The two of them stand there bawling and hugging goodbye.

"I'm so sorry I made you think you were good enough to stay."

Tara says that she didn't want to get sent home based on a miscommunication. Eh, I don't know that being universally rejected by the remaining designers would have been better, Tara, but what's done is done. And done. And done.

Next week! The girls go on a casting for Garnier! Wow, a casting call for a crappy hair product! And they have to SPEAK as part of their audition! This is looking like America's Next Top Model territory, but that's probably just wishful thinking. Also, the girls wonder who will be eliminated. See you then!

So how are we hanging in there? Anyone know where I can get me a skinny mirror? I would love to be blissfully deluded every morning on my way to work.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: Pumpkin Mush

"Mmm... models."

This week on Models of the Runway: Pumpkin pie.

Moments before... Celine is sitting in the holding tank wearing the EXACT same collar that got Christopher in the top three last week and that this week has him in the bottom two. Last week it was on the back of Katie's neck in her vampire bride outfit and this week it is on the front of Celine's neck and it's BLUE, per the requirements of possibly the LAMEST CHALLENGE EVER. Design something blue. So I guess the lesson we learn here is that the back collar of a Victorian vampire bride dress does not translate into something the INC department of Macy's wants to sell. Remember that.

IN

So OUT!

Katie, who modeled the winning outfit, as if we need any more of her:

Oh look - it's blue!

Is all in a state because up until this challenge she has been Christopher's model and if he gets sent home she'll just DIE. Aaaand, why should we care what you think Katie?

"No! He's SOOO talented! And he keeps picking me!"

Anyway, Louise designed this for Kojii to model:

Also blue, but unacceptable.

And she loses. And she's the only one to go, despite Heidi's threats that this may have been a multiple elimination. Bummer. That means we'll only be rid of one model this week as well. So Katie trots into the designers' tank to congratulate Irina for winning the stupid challenge and then the models all dive into what constitutes 99.9% of this show: whining that they're nervous about elimination. Why exactly, did anyone think we needed 30 minutes a week of this? No one knows. But here's Louise to say a teary goodbye and then it's onto the runway for this week's tongue lashing from Heidi. She wants to know how the girls felt working with different designers this week. Katie's like, "Oh my gosh it was SOOO weird because Christopher always has something for me to try on right when I walk in, but like, Irina made me wait on the couch for a while!" And Kalyn's like, "I've worked with like five different designers and it's totally fun, but I'm always nervous about getting eliminated!" We learn that Kojii doesn't feel as though she and Louise really clicked, so she's nervous about being eliminated, but she would have been nervous anyway. Wait, so the models are nervous about getting eliminated then?

"Oh, you mean you guys don't WANT to go home?"

Heidi tells them that the designers are in this for themselves, and the models should be too. Well said, but how, exactly can they pull that off? Answer: they hope. And now Heidi has a surprise for everyone! Tomorrow the models will be meeting with Runway Coach Michael Maddox. Have any of them heard of him? Why yes, Cheetos has even WORKED with him before! Nice try, Heidi.

Back at the modelplex the girls relieve their stress by throwing bags of frozen food around. That's cause they like to have FUN, as Delta Burke tells us. And because they reject the idea that food is for eating.

"Tossing food is much healthier than eating it."

Redundant does a little dance and says she loves hanging out with Cheetos and Delta Burke and spending time with them. The next morning Kojii gives her speech again about wondering if she's being a good mom with her modeling career and all, but in the end she's inspiring her daughter to follow her dreams. It's old, Kojii. Any new thoughts in there? I'm sure your three-year-old is overflowing with career inspiration.

And it's off to meet Michael Maddox! I kinda like him because he's out to put models in their place. He tells them he will not have any divas and it will serve them well to pay attention while he critiques the other girls. Then he tells them not to be offended if he calls them "pumpkin" because he works with so many dang models that in his mind they've all warped into one giant brainless gourd. Or pie made out of said gourd. In other words, you're all a big indistinguishable mess of vapidity to me and I don't care to know your names, so pipe down. And without further ado, he orders them to do a half-turn, one at a time, and apparently they're all doing it wrong. After watching several of her colleagues be shot down, Mater hesitates, saying she's not sure what she's supposed to do and she wishes Michael Maddox would clue her in.

"But I don't want to make a fool of myself like these idiots."

He refuses, and orders her NOT to challenge him, but to go ahead and make a sure-to-be-failed attempt. Mater tries... and wouldn't you know it, she's WRONG. Listen pumpkin pie. He's been doing this for 20 years and ain't no one gonna tell him how to go about HIS genius business, got it? Now shut your pumpkin pie hole.

"Trust me, you don't want a piece of this great pumpkin!"

Redundant does what looks to me like the exact same thing everyone else does, but according to Michael Maddox, it's "perfecto." Redundant tells us that her mother was a model and her mom. She watched her mom struggle and fight to the top of the modeling world, so that's how she knows a half-turn. Modeling is very complex.

"I didn't mess up or make a mistake."

Celine proclaims that she never intended to be a model and that when she walks she can't think, so that's her excuse for not knowing how to do a half turn. Charmed, Michael Maddox tells her, "It's fine, pumpkin pie. No brains necessary. Just follow me." And he takes her hand and teaches her a half turn.

Who's hungry?

See Mater? That was your mistake - acting like you could think for yourself. That's just not acceptable in the modeling world until you've reached Heidi Klum status. Even then, be careful. At the end of this intense training session, Michael Maddox hugs all of his pumpkins goodbye and Mater tells him he's a pumpkin too, which I'm surprised doesn't get her a beating.

Elimination day! Once again the outfits are carefully selected for the journey to the studio where everyone will change into identical slips. Heidi prances out her usual insane perky self and reminds us about all the prizes at stake and that there are no special rules on today's selection. Irina goes first as the winner and chooses Cheetos. Katie is extremely put out, saying she won the challenge for Irina. Oh dream on, Katie. She made a blue dress and you walked in it. The end. Some designers stick with their new models and some go back to their old ones. It's not that interesting. When Christopher is up he goes, "A boy never forgets his first model... Katie!" And Katie acts like she's been crowned Miss America.

"Let's celebrate with a gasoline fight!"

Sweet, she'll get to wear the ruffle collar again next week I'm sure. Will it be in the back or the front this time? It comes down to Celine and Redundant left standing on the runway and Logan chooses last. He says that Redundant is great, but he'd like to try out Celine's look.

"Don't cry because you shouldn't cry."

Here come the water works. Celine comes bawling into the model tank saying she feels so bad for Redundant. Redundant says not to feel bad, and she tells us she's totally surprised and she's shocked. She's the only one who knew how to do a half turn! Cheetos and Delta Burke help Redundant pack and get the heck out of the hot pink modelplex. Later, Redundant, and we'll see you another time.

Next week looks like more of the same. They're all really worried about being eliminated. Tune in and have your mind blown!

Any thoughts on this doozy, darling pumpkins?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta