Bachelor Pad 2: Anyone Get Any Love or Money?

Well, this is it! It's the final episode of this crazy freak show called Bachelor Pad 2! We come back to Holly whining, whining about how hard it was to send Blake home, but how she hopes so bad that now Michael knows she’s loyal to him. Chris comes in to announce the final challenge that will take place tomorrow. It’s the hardest challenge EVAH, and it won’t take place here at the mansion, it will take place in... Las Vegas! Everyone cheers like they’re going to Vegas to party instead of to be locked up and compete.

The next day the gang is dropped off at the MGM Grand in their workout clothes as we hear yet another confessional from Kasey about how his dream was to make it to the finals and now look, here he is. Yeah, we’re all very happy for you, Kasey. Everyone walks into the theater auditorium and a huge wall comes rotating out of the stage.

It's a giant trash compactor and they have 30 seconds to escape.

This is the home of the Cirque du Soleil KA show. Chris explains that they will have 24 hours to learn an extremely difficult routine that will take place on this wall. They will be judged on technical ability, showmanship, effort and of course, chemistry with their partners. Whichever couple comes in last place will be eliminated from Vegas, Bachelor Pad, and life in general. Everyone is terrified and we’ve already heard Ella explain several different times in the last ten minutes that she needs to win this money because she’s a single mom. Enough with the single mom sob story! Get a freaking job! Okay, let’s look at this routine.

There is a lot of running vertically up the wall and rappelling back down it while strapped in harnesses, all in a series of graceful dance moves as performed by the professionals. We learn that the routine is 60 seconds long - the first 50 seconds are choreographed and the last 10 seconds is up to each couple to complete. For her 10 seconds, Holly wants to choreograph herself kicking Michael away from her, then having him come running back after her. Hmm, I can’t imagine where she got that idea! Kasey and Vienna fight about what their 10 seconds should look like and Vienna complains that she doesn’t understand what Kasey wants. She probably literally can’t understand his mumbles.

"Kasey, if you can't enunciate, just shut up!"

Guess what. This is hard for Holly because she and Michael aren’t in the best place right now. Graham tells us he’s terrified of heights and Michelle quickly becomes nauseated from hanging in a backwards horizontal posture. I can understand that. My wedding photographer had my husband dip me backwards for a picture. It was hot and I was wearing a corset and I almost passed out and had to sit down inside for like a half hour after that one photo. Okay, so I’m a weenie. I’m not on Bachelor Pad competing to win the remnants of a bunch of money. Ella claims that childbirth was easier than this challenge. I hope she’s right cause I’m having a baby next month and we have just established that I am, in fact, a weenie. The couples stay up late into the night practicing what they’ve learned. Except for Kasey and Vienna, who are snoring peacefully.

The next day everyone arrives in their brightly colored unitards with rainbow vests that look like lizard scales to compete in the big challenge.

Uni-TARDS

Chris greets them and introduces the judges. Just as I suspected, they are about as relevant to this challenge as Natalie and Dave were to the synchronized swimming contest. First is Trista - the first EVER Bachelorette and the shining example of how this can all work for you if you just do it right. ABC trots her out as often as possible to remind us that this did, in fact, work out for someone once upon a time, no matter how much it has failed since then. But wait! The second judge is another success story. It’s Jason Mesnick! Remember him? When he was the Bachelor he proposed to Melissa Rycroft, then dumped her at the After the Final Rose reunion and asked out the first runner up - to whom he is now married after a highly profitable televised wedding. Isn’t that the sweetest story you’ve ever heard? Just charming. And the last judge also found love on her season of The Bachelorette. Or at least she hasn’t broken up with the guy she picked yet. It’s Ali. And her fiance Roberto carries her in to her judge chair because she has a “hurt leg” as Chris informs us. Side note: Ali and Vienna were bitter rivals when they were both on Jake’s season of The Bachelor. Also? Kasey got his tattoo while he was competing to guard and protect ALI’s heart. So these two probably aren’t her faves.

Note the air of superiority.

Up first are Graham and Michelle. Michelle explains to us that out of the four judging criteria, the only one they have a shot at displaying is chemistry. So they do this little forehead nuzzle thing before they start the routine.

"Can you see the chemistry oozing out of our pores?"

Ali seems concerned and asks Chris Harrison if they just kissed. He doesn’t answer - or care. Michelle and Graham pretty much suck. Mostly we just see them dangling in their harnesses and doing some sort of secret handshake at the end. Next up are Kirk and Ella. Did you know that Ella is doing this to win money for her son since she is a single mom? She doesn’t want to let him down, you know. These two are quite awful as well. For their unique twist they sprinkle down confetti and kiss.

Falling pieces of paper - impressive!

But mostly Ella dangles while Kirk tries to coach her along. Fail. Kasey and Vienna actually do quite well, much to my dismay. They’re the first ones to manage to DO the routine, instead of just hang from their harnesses wiggling. They end in a dramatic pose and everyone seems very impressed.

I wish Vienna would just go limp more often.

Finally, here come Michael and Holly and their strained relationship and Holly’s confusion. These two NAIL it. They are awesome. They do the whole routine in sync and WELL. Then their own little part at the end looks fantastic. I’m sure it helps that Michael is a dancer and Holly weighs less than most 12-year-olds, but good for them.

Do you sense Holly's confusion?

Now everyone lines up for the judges to give lip service to the losers and announce the winners. Ali tells Kasey and Vienna that they put on a good show. Jason tells Kirk and Ella that they didn’t put on enough of a show. Then Ali says that Michael and Holly were technically outstanding. And Jason says Graham and Michelle had trouble getting going, and he couldn’t see their secret handshake very well. Queen Trista gets to announce the winners and she says that based on the criteria they were given, Michael and Holly were the bestest. Michael and Holly scream and cheer and come over to collect their roses. Chris reminds them that they will now have to choose which couple will join them in the finale. But first! Let’s hear who did the worst and is banished from existence. Trista calls Kasey and Vienna forward and deems them safe. Nuts. Then she tells everyone that they must bid farewell to Kirk and Ella. Uh oh. Ella’s little boy is going to be homeless. Ella sobs to Kirk over and over that she’s sorry. He reassures her that this was a team challenge and she did her best - even though now her son will be left to starve.

"I'm sure Child Protective Services will understand that you tried."

In her Ride of Shame Ella continues to sob over her failures as a mother. Well, at least now she can go home and BE a mother - if Ethan remembers who she is. I’m sure they’ll have a very happy life living under a viaduct.

Later, back at the mansion, Michael and Holly congratulate each other on getting to the finals. But now comes the “difficult” business of choosing who comes with them. I don’t get why this is hard - why are Kasey and Vienna even still around with a chance at this? As Michael and Holly get ready for a chat with Kasey and Vienna, Vienna warns Kasey to stay low key because Michael and Holly won’t respond well to high pressure. If they remain calm and easy going, they’ll have a better chance at being chosen. So of course the minute Holly and Michael sit down, Kasey launches into a stern speech about how they’ve played the game and just what each person deserves. LOL. Their argument ends up being that if Michael and Holly are in the finals with them, they’ll have a better chance of winning because no one will vote for Kasey and Vienna. Whereas if they’re up against Graham and Michelle it will be a toss up. That’s probably true, but why would they use that argument unless they have one last desperate plan up their sleeves? After the convo, Vienna berates Kasey for never shutting up - especially after she told him to. Kasey storms away. He goes outside to sulk against a wall and Vienna follows him to continue berating him.

"But I'm the Godfather. How could they go against the family?"

Next Michael and Holly sit down with Graham and Michelle and tell them that if they choose Kasey and Vienna they’ll win, but if they choose Graham and Michelle, they have a big chance of losing. Graham just says to do what they’ve got to do. Then he flips out after they all go their separate ways. He feels so betrayed by his best good friend Michael, who has stood beside him through every step of this competition. He goes off on a tirade to Michelle, saying that at this point it isn’t about money, it’s about standing beside your friends. And up until now, he thought Michael WAS his friend, but if this is how it’s going to be, he never wants to see Michael’s face again - ever! Michelle helplessly rubs his back and tries to get him to calm down.

"Please Gram. Just stop talking."

Graham is so odd. He’s mostly under the radar and won’t say much, but then he flies out with this temper tantrum when no one but Michelle is looking. Overall, I’d say Graham is someone I wouldn’t want to hang around.

Rose Ceremony! Holly comes out wearing some ultra micro mini kimono that’s open all the way to her belly button.

"I have Geisha class after this."

Really all that has to happen here is that they announce which couple they are giving roses to. But first Chris has to explain everything again and then we get to hear everyone fret and say why they think they should win and why they’re scared. Finally Holly says this is the hardest thing she’s done on the show and it comes down to selfishness (choosing Kasey and Vienna and guaranteeing themselves the win) or selflessness (choosing Graham and Michelle and risking losing everything to them). Then Michael says the same thing, adding that this whole thing is a game, but they choose... Graham and Michelle. Michelle almost collapses in tears. Vienna seethes. Kasey scoops Vienna up and announces that they’ll be leaving and they laugh playfully as they get into the limo... where Vienna bursts into tears and sobs. She’s mad that her perfect rose record is now tarnished, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Kasey says that they’ve been backstabbed and Graham and Michelle don’t deserve to go to the finale. Bitter, bitter kittens. Buh-bye!

"Kasey, you were supposed to guard and protect me from this!"

Let’s go straight to the finale! ABC was once again kind enough to present us with a THREE HOUR EPISODE! I can’t say that without all caps. It’s just too insulting. It’s like they’re saying, admit it, America. You have nothing better to do. Which could be true, but it’s none of ABC’s business. For all they know, I’m busy. Anyway, here we go. We’re now in a studio with an audience and all of the former contestants have come back to dish some dirt. And it looks like there are people who give hair extensions backstage because suddenly all the girls have really long hair. Except Gia, who has cut bangs. Ames gets major screams when he’s introduced, which I still don’t get. Speaking of which, Chris reminds us all of the most romantic moment in the history of the universe where Ames ran after Jackie’s limo and left with her. And we all want to know where they stand now. Still together?

As Bachelor trend would predict - NO! Jackie says that she spent a long time being confused, she wishes they had given it more of a shot, and she isn’t sure what she did wrong. Ames? All Ames says is that he totally thought Jackie was the one, but after spending some time together he realized they were “two different people.” I hate to point out the obvious, but every couple on earth is made up of two different people. To translate from guy-talk, I think what this means is that Ames thinks that he and Jackie had some differences that were deal breakers, but he’s not going to say what they are. And Jackie doesn’t seem to know either. Imagine that! After three straight days of making out and realizing that they both like to have fun, these two aren’t a lasting match! I wonder what Ames considers deal breakers. Such a guy thing to chalk it up to just being “different,” and refusing to elaborate. Jackie says this has never happened to her before, so she didn’t know how to react. What, she’s never been dumped? Then it’s time. Everyone needs to go through getting dumped. It’s part of life.

"No one has ever passed on THIS. I don't know how to respond."

She goes on to say that there was a week when she couldn’t even get out of bed. Yup - join the club. But maybe next time actually get to know the guy before you mourn his loss so heavily. What’s next?

Chris starts with Gia and wants to know why she, who has been on the show before, couldn’t seem to break up the Kasey/Vienna alliance. Before Gia can really answer, Chris points out that Alli, Jake, Gia and even Blake COULD have gotten rid of these two, but didn’t. William pipes up and says that for being such a power couple, Kasey and Vienna never won any challenge. And they told stories to everyone and every week stabbed someone new in the back. The audience cheers. Chris goes to Jake so see what he thinks and Jake just gives his speech about only coming on the show to reconcile with Vienna. Vienna pipes up and says that they had closure right at the beginning of the show and after that she was nice to Jake. The audience roars.

"Why is that funny? I treated Jake with nothing but respect. Even though I was terrified. Do you like my extensions?"

Erica, who spends this special jumping in with commentary whenever she sees fit, asks Vienna why she was so determined to eliminate Jake if she had closure. Why was she so mean? Vienna actually says she WASN’T mean. HA! Kirk says he just wishes Vienna would have owned up to her part in the relationship with Jake failing. That’s totally true - all she did was say how innocent she was and how evil Jake was. Jake is thoroughly enjoying this.

Chris pulls Jake up to the stage for some one-on-one time. Jake puts on his best martyr face while we roll the montage of his time at the Pad. Chris asks how it makes Jake feel to hear Vienna and Kasey say he’s a bad person. Jake once again paints the picture of himself being this saintly, friendly, all-caring person who momentarily lost his cool on TV (during the breakup special), but has striven diligently to show everyone his true self before then and since then. My gosh, he’s so obsessed with this “image” he’s crafted of himself being perfect. All he can think about is how he’s coming across at any given moment. Why doesn’t he just chill out? If he were a genuinely nice person, he would have nothing to worry about, and wouldn’t feel this constant need to control what everyone thinks about him. Anyway, there is a consensus that Vienna and Kasey were horrible to Jake and Vienna keeps saying those were just snippets that were shown on TV. The rest of the time she and Jake were BFF’s! No one’s buying it. Chris asks Erica to make a ruling as to whether Vienna was hostile or not hostile toward Jake. Erica raises her little clear gavel and pronounces Vienna “hostile.”

"Hostile, Chris. But in law school we say 'antagonistic.'"

Vienna backpedals and says if Jake was so intent on apologizing he could have called her before the show. Jake claims he tried to, yadda, yadda. We’ve already heard this argument and no one cares. Jake says it was profitable for Vienna to keep things uncomfortable. Chris points out to Jake that giving Vienna a rose was the dumbest thing he could have done and it affected everyone on the show. By the way, what does Jake think of how Kasey and Vienna acted? Jake says he was very disappointed and he asks Kasey if he really thinks it was appropriate to say he wanted to punch Jake for America.

"Because America knows my true self. I've made certain of it."

Kasey, who has been quiet thus far, says, no he doesn’t. And watching the show makes him feel like a huge jerk and he’d like to apologize to Jake. Wow, I didn’t see that coming. They then hug it out and we witness the birth of a precious new bromance. Or whatever.

"Golly I MUST be a great guy because now even Kasey likes me."

Oh look, it’s Kasey’s turn to come and sit with Uncle Chris. During his montage we see Justin saying that Kasey sounds like a frog. And Kermit the Frog went out with Miss Piggy. Everyone laughs. After the montage Kasey says he feels like a jerk, but would like to point out to Justin that he has a speech impediment, so it wasn’t nice to call him Kermit the Frog. Speech impediment? Chronic mumbling? I guess anything’s possible. Can’t he take a diction class? I had this class in college where we had to learn the phonetic alphabet then record ourselves speaking and perfect our pronunciation of the English language. Then I took the class again in German. It works! Have any of you ever had a hard time understanding my speech? Didn’t think so. Anyway, back to Kasey. He acts like he’s really embarrassed about how he came across. I guess I just don’t get how you could not realize at the time how you’re acting. Have some self-awareness, people! Chris asks how his relationship is with Vienna now. Apparently they’re still together, but Kasey isn’t at all pleased with what he saw on the show.

"Giving my girlfriend a sexual ultimatum wasn't exactly a high point."

Vienna claims that she was just being emotional because she’s a woman. Thanks, Vienna. Women the world over appreciate that statement. Then she says it’s not normal to have your fights televised and that’s part of the problem. Maybe, but you’re the one who keeps insisting on going on TV, so... Erica stands up for them and says they were a lot more normal when they weren’t filming. Sure they were.

Guess who’s up next. Blake. Ugh, Blake is wearing a white V-neck under a sports coat. Why does this bug me?

"Never brush for less than two minutes."

Melissa sits off to the side looking as hurt as possible through this whole segment. Isn’t she mortified after seeing how she acted? Apparently not. Apparently she still feels like everything she did was totally called-for. Blake defends himself by saying he felt like they were in a partnership, not a relationship. They didn’t have time to form a real relationship. He only had time to do that with Holly. Melissa says that Blake told her he didn’t want to kiss anyone on camera. So then when he kissed her on camera she took that to mean that he was so into her he would break his own rule. Also, Blake told her that the two of them were “serendipitous,” which led her to believe he had stronger feelings than he admitted. She claims that her freaky tantrums were not due to jealousy - they were due to Blake giving someone else’s partner a rose and leaving her vulnerable to elimination. She also claims that in normal life she doesn’t cry all the time and get so emotional.

"In normal life my expression never changes from this."

I would like her a lot better if she acted embarrassed instead of just justifying everything. She and Vienna have a lot in common. Take a cue from Kasey, ladies. At least he acts like he regrets being a total douche. Now Chris wants Blake to talk about Holly. Oh please no. NO! Crap, there’s no stopping it. Blake talks about Holly being the most fun, outgoing person he’s ever met. Yeah, it’s called flirting. Blake says this is the most serious relationship he’s ever been in. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! How much time could they have possibly spent together? They live on opposite ends of the country! Ah, delusion. But get this. Holly is moving to South Carolina to live with Blake. Why not, I guess. Apparently she has nothing going on in her own life that she can’t up and leave behind. And guess what else. Blake PROPOSED! We see footage. GAG! What is it about Holly that makes guys propose to her? I thought men avoided marriage like the plague and that it took pretty extraordinary circumstances to convince a guy to marry someone. And here are these guys knowing Holly briefly and proposing! Not just trying to sleep with her - proposing marriage! Guys watching? Please explain. Not that I think they’ll get married, mind you. There’s no way. I just don’t get why they’re already engaged.

All right, enough nonsense. Let’s get to the final four. Out come Michael/Holly and Graham/Michelle. Chris relishes this opportunity to ask Michael if he’s “heard the news.” Michael’s like, “What news?” Huh. I’m not sure how much of this I buy. Although they DO love pulling stuff like this on these live audience shows, so who knows? Holly tells Michael that she and Blake are engaged and there are crickets. We see various people’s faces and everyone mostly has a look of pity.

"You're seriously going to marry BLAKE?"

Michael says it’s super awkward and a glass of water or a commercial break would be nice. But no such luck. Blake says he’s sorry that it all came out this way and Holly grins and nods vigorously. Anyone else feel the need to propose to her? No? Okay, on we go. How about Graham and Michelle. Are they still together? Michelle starts to cry and says that Graham has really been there for her during a really difficult part of her life - namely, her dad just passed away from colon cancer and Graham came to be with her for the funeral and has just been fabulous. Graham kisses Michelle on the cheek several times while she’s talking. Chris butts in to remind Michelle that Graham may be great, but the whole “Bachelor family” has been super concerned about her and caring as well. Oh I’m sure ABC has had Michelle’s personal life as their number one priority. Michelle’s like, “Yeah, you’ve been great.” Graham is wearing a bow tie, which looks kind of goofy. Especially with his rumpled hair. He talks about what an inspiration Michelle has been to him. I just keep laughing remembering how checked out he was during DeAnna’s season when he made it to the final four and could have cared less. Michelle says there aren’t a lot of guys like Graham anymore. Yeah well, he thinks you’re hot, Michelle. Apparently that goes a long way.

We now reach the portion of the program where the other contestants get a chance to ask questions of the final four. Justin begins by asking Holly what she thinks she did to get here, since Michael was the one winning challenges right and left. Michael answers for Holly and says that she really came through by trusting him - especially in the KA challenge. This answer inspires Justin to propose to Holly. Just kidding. But nothing would shock me at this point. Erica has a question. She likes what Graham and Michelle plan to do with the money - give it to non-profits - but Michael was a better competitor so she’s not sure whom to vote for. That wasn’t really a question, Erica. I object. Michelle says she doesn’t want a pity vote. Secondly, she and Graham employed strategy, which is just as important as winning challenges. By the way, their strategy was just “to avoid drama.” Blake pipes up and says that Graham and Michelle’s strategy was basically just walking away a lot and flying under the radar. Should that really earn them the win? I love Graham’s answer. He tells Blake it’s pretty obvious where his vote is going to go. He’s not a huge fan of Blake, but he always treated him with respect and he and Michelle stand by what they said. That’s pretty awesome. Why WOULD Blake open his mouth as if he’s really trying to decide what to do?

Kasey wants to know why Michael and Holly deserve the money more than Graham and Michelle. Holly says they don’t and Michael agrees. Michelle says no one DESERVES the money and they’re just grateful to be there. Can you imagine how different these answers would be if Kasey and Vienna were one of the final couples? OMG, it would be a never ending lecture on how they played the game better than everyone else and Kasey’s Gram Gram is dying, and Vienna’s mom needs to pay her rent. Thank GOODNESS they’re not up on stage.

It’s already time to vote! Everyone has to write down who they want to win. The first couple to receive eight votes wins. Well, I’ll save you the suspense. Holly and Michael get the eight necessary votes. Too bad, Graham and Michelle. At least you got each other out of this. NOW! Michael and Holly have to go into separate holding chambers and decide if they want to keep the money for themselves, or split it with each other. If they both choose “share,” they’ll split it. If they both choose “keep,” then the money will be divided among the other contestants and Michael and Holly will get nothing. If one chooses “share” and the other chooses “keep,” then the one who chose “keep” gets all of the money alone. This is the same thing that they did on the last season and anyone with half a brain will obviously chose “share” because that’s the only way to guarantee they’ll both get something. But we get to watch them hem and haw and pretend to mull everything over while everyone else speculates.

"I'm going to make sure Holly has nothing but a DIY wedding."

People say that maybe Michael will keep the money because Holly just publicly crapped on him with her engagement announcement, and on the other hand, Holly might keep it because she needs money for her never-gonna-happen wedding.

"Hmm, the last thing I want is a DIY wedding."

Whatever, they both choose “share,” so they get to split the money. Yippee. Three more guys propose to Holly before we go to commercial.

"Gentlemen! This is all so sudden! ...I accept!"

And that’s pretty much it! Chris introduces shaggy haired Ben from the last Bachelorette as the next Bachelor. He seems sure to be boring.

If you managed to retain your consciousness through these last three hours I’m dying to know your thoughts!

Thanks guys, for hanging with me on this show! It’s always my pleasure to bring you my thoughts and feelings about our precious Bachelor participants and their insane world. It’s also my extreme pleasure to hear yours so don’t be shy! As I mentioned earlier, I am getting ready to have a baby in the next few weeks here, so I’m going to take a brief hiatus from recapping while I recover and get used to having a little Baby Gangsta around. But as soon as I can focus I’ll be back on the boards!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Bachelor Pad 2: Coupledom

So everyone is regrouping after the last ousting that sent William (who?) and Melissa home. Blake is totally relieved because he thinks now the coast is clear for him to pursue Holly at full throttle. I guess he’s conveniently leaving Michael out of the equation. Wait, he does mention that Michael doesn’t own Holly, so I guess that takes care of that. Just as everyone is ready to call it a night, Chris Harrison appears to announce that from here on out they will be competing as couples and voted off as couples. So they all need to couple up. Oh and by the way, for tomorrow’s challenge, get to know your partner very well.

"And not one more word out of any of you!"

Well look at that. Everyone is in a partnership except for Blake and Erica. Erica starts to look around and before she can say anything, Graham goes, “I’m taken, sorry.” Did she ask? Shut up, Graham. You’ve got enough crazy on your plate with Michelle there. No one’s trying to make you take more.

So Erica sits down next to Blake and says they need to get to know each other. Blake is all bummed that Holly’s going to stay partnered with Michael, but Erica tells us Blake should realize that she’s a lot smarter and prettier than Holly. HA HA HA! That’s right - Erica’s in law school! So she starts asking Blake weird questions in order to get to know him, like what animal would he want to be. He says a flying squirrel. A flying squirrel? I guess why be an eagle when you can be a rat with wings? Whatever. Mike and Holly and Kasey and Vienna figure they’re good since they’re in long term relationships and obviously know everything there is to know about each other. Graham and Michelle also have some work to do, while Kirk asks Ella what her bra size is. Vienna gleefully dances at the camera, saying she and Kasey have this in the bag, so just show her the money. Ugh.

"I'm 100% for sale!"

The next day everyone comes outside to play the “Nearlywed Game,” hosted by Chris who is delighted to cause more friction. This is just like the Newlywed Game where they have to predict how their partners will answer questions. The winning couple will get roses and a private date. The second place couple will not get roses, but they will also get a private date. First the girls make predictions, then the guys make predictions, then everyone sits down to see how it will all come out. One of the questions is actually: what animal would your partner be? Erica gets it right with flying squirrel - maybe she really is in law school. When the girls are asked what their exes miss most about them, Vienna proudly says “boobs,” but Kasey holds up a sign that says “teeth.” LOL. Vienna is furious. Her teeth? Kasey thinks her exes miss her teeth? With that chest of hers? And guess what. They keep missing questions. But I thought they knew each other so well! Losers!

"Kasey SO does not get to see my boobs today."

Of course, we have to stir up trouble by asking who would your partner sleep with in the house besides you? Sure enough, Blake and Holly name each other and Michael had guessed that Holly would only name him - her recent fiance. Holly’s like, “I was just being honest!” Blake beams and Michael pouts. I hate seeing Blake validated. He’s such a smug little twerp.

"Aw shucks, Dr. Love, Oral Surgeon is in the house."

But the next question is who is your least favorite person in the house - and almost everyone says Blake. HA! Smiling now, Mr. Dentist? Didn’t think so.

Chris takes tabs on where everyone stands and so far Team Graham/Michelle and Team Blake/Erica are tied for first. And Team Kasey/Vienna are losing! And they’re livid. Chris asks how old was your partner when he lost his virginity. When Graham says “seven” and Michelle gets it right, it becomes apparent that something is afoot. It turns out that they previously agreed to answer any numerical questions with the number seven, any non-gender specific questions with Michael, and any female-related questions with Holly. Good thinking! But Michelle messes up by answering a non-gender specific question with Holly. Amazingly, even with this strategy in place, Blake and Erica are tied with them all the way to the end. But Graham and Michelle manage to win by one point! They are safe from elimination and are off on a romantic date. Blake realizes this means he’s most likely doomed. Yep!

Why does Graham always look super awkward?

The date card comes for Graham and Michelle and invites them to enjoy a private screening of the new movie “What’s Your Number?” That’s the one with Anna Faris. They’re ecstatic and Vienna continues her angry rampage. She should get to go on a date! It’s not FAIR! Why does Kasey think her exes miss her TEETH??? And just then, a helicopter lands in the driveway to pick up Graham and Michelle. Of course it does. It’ wouldn’t be a Bachelor show without a freaking helicopter. I’m not sure why this is seen as so luxurious. I’ve been on a helicopter ride and it made me very nauseated. Maybe it’s just out of the ordinary? But on this show it’s not. I don’t know. While we watch them hover above Los Angeles, Graham tells us repeatedly how insanely hot Michelle is. Michelle says something about Graham, too, but all I hear is the way she pronounces his name. It’s kind of like a cross between “gram” and “grum.” It just isn’t right. Good reminder not to name your child Graham because how are you supposed to say it? In England it would be more like “gray-em.” There should at least be a HINT of two syllables, right? I just know it’s not “gram.” That’s a measurement.

Back at the mansion, everyone is standing around in the kitchen when Vienna and Kasey burst through, mid-fight. Again. Apparently Kasey wanted Vienna to have sex with him pronto, she said no, so he ripped the promise ring he gave her right off of her finger. Oh my gosh, what a couple of IDIOTS! And they go over it in detail - IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! Vienna storms upstairs to pout in her bed and Kasey follows her to continue the fight and he brings up that she slept with Wes and Dave, so why not him right now? Hmm, Wes and Dave must have bought her stuff too. Eventually he tells her that if she won’t have sex with him right now, he’s going to pack his bags and leave. Then she’ll be eliminated by default. Well there you have it. What a special relationship they have. It’s pretty much a prostitute/John situation. And those roles seem pretty flexible. I’ll give you one guess as to what Vienna does. Hint - it involves the night vision cameras again. Aren’t you so jealous of these two? THEY think you are.

Graham and Michelle are deposited on the roof of a Marriott hotel where they will sit in the hot tub for their private screening. Graham continues to tell us how hot Michelle is, that she’s hard to look at, and that she’s beautiful. It’s nice to know that Graham appreciates Michelle as a person with many qualities. Michelle philosophizes on how romantic comedies relate to real life. Oh totally. My life is nothing if not a romantic comedy (?!) Wait, doesn’t her dad have cancer? How romantically funny! And we get a few snippets of the movie, so apparently Fox is sponsoring tonight’s episode. Naturally Graham and Michelle end up making out. It’s just so very special.

Their love story would make a great romantic comedy! So unique!

Another date card arrives for Blake and Erica. Holly is totes jealous. The card says that their mission is romance. Erica is pretty miffed that Blake and Holly keep carrying on in front of everyone because when Blake pisses people off it’s now going to affect Erica. She tells Blake he needs to cool it, and Blake’s just like “If Mike can’t handle his woman it’s not my problem.” Oh brother. Erica thinks if she can seduce Blake on their date she can get him to forget about Holly. HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Good luck with that bar exam, Erica.

The next day Michelle comes to egg Erica on while she gets ready for her date. Erica confides to Michelle that she’s super horny and they start looking at the lingerie she’s bringing along on the date. That’s just gross. Then later when Blake and Erica are standing in the kitchen waiting for a sports car or a helicopter to show up, Holly “innocently” walks in wearing a flesh colored bikini. She opens the fridge and looks around for something to drink.

"Oh, what's this here on the bottom shelf?"

I’m waiting for her to “accidentally” drop something on the floor in front of Blake’s face. Oops! Let me just bend right over and retrieve the straw I dropped - I hope my top doesn’t slip right off my body! Come ON, ladies of Bachelor Pad. Are we really this desperate for attention? BLAKE?

Once Blake and Erica get on their way the rest of the house sits around a table and gossips about them. Well mostly they rip on Blake. Holly sits there quietly looking bummed. Aw, are they picking on your super fun new boyfriend, Holly?

"Why can't they see that Blake is fun?"

It turns out that the “mission” referred to in the date card is an actual Spanish mission that is now a hotel. Erica observes that it’s “really historical.” That must have been a word on the LSAT. Oh also, she’d like to communicate with her friend that died, okay? She starts in on trying to talk Blake into “strengthening” their alliance. She tells him that her astrologer told her she’d be in the final two couples. Oh, well in THAT case. Erica keeps rubbing Blake’s thigh and he just looks totally uncomfortable. He’s stammering and seems like he’s trying to think of things to say. Erica’s ready to tear her clothes off.

But first - dinner! They arrive to their little table and there are two roses waiting there with a note. At first they get excited, thinking they’ve lucked out, but in reality, they have to give the roses to another couple. So they have the power to save another couple, which they think gives them some bargaining potential. Now, who to save?

And back home we are forced to revisit the Holly and Michael disaster yet again. Michael professes his renewed love and Holly sucks on her fingernail and whimpers. I am SO over her whiny confusion. I don’t care! And Michael, do you really want to lose any more time on a girl who is attracted to Blake?

And Erica is back to rubbing Blake’s thigh and trying to convince him to stay overnight and relieve some tension. Blake is so not having it. He says that it will look bad if he stays away from the house overnight, and there’s already a target on his back. Erica argues that it will make it look like he’s over Holly and help to appease some of the resentment people have toward him. Both arguments are weak, frankly. Basically Erica wants to get some and Blake isn’t into her. Finally Erica sinks to telling Blake that she brought very sexy lingerie for him. Blake looks like he’d like to throw up.

"Are you choking because you're so turned on?"

Oh no, more whimpering from Holly. This time Ella is listening to her. Why couldn’t Michael have loved Holly when she loved him so much? Why can’t everyone understand how much fun she had with Blake and how it’s been so long since she’s felt like that? I guess it would feel really good to be fawned over in front of the guy who recently decided to pass on you. I understand that Holly feels vindicated, I just can’t take the constant whining!

Erica is practically begging Blake to stay and sleep with her and he’s still on no. CUT YOUR LOSSES, ERICA! Try to leave this date with a small amount of dignity, please. They keep arguing in circles and it’s very stupid. Erica thinks she’s going to guilt Blake into sleeping with her (which would be SUCH a triumph) and Blake thinks he going to find a tactful way out of this, instead of just saying he doesn’t like Erica like that. You are both repulsive! Can we move on?

The next day Holly is overjoyed to discover that Blake and Erica did not sleep over at the mission. But now they have to figure out what they’re going to do with their roses. They decide it’s a good idea to let people know they have the roses and then see who presents the most promising argument to receive them. First they tell Kirk and Ella and we have to hear again about how Kirk and Ella deserve to win the most because the NEED the money the most. Ella, have you forgotten about Kasey’s Gram Gram?

Next they sit down with Kasey and Vienna, who immediately promise them safety if they get the roses. Kasey gives his word, which of course means nothing.

"And if you don't give us the roses, I will steal your jewelry."

But Blake starts going over the people who are supposedly in alliance with Kasey and Vienna and trying to determine if it will be enough to save them. They call everyone into the living room except for Michael and Holly and announce that after careful deliberation, they’re giving the roses to... Kasey and Vienna. Gross. Ella storms away to cry because her little boy needs a quarter of a million dollars. Kasey and Vienna dance with glee and Graham and Michelle roll their eyes. Kasey and Vienna celebrate by making out - apparently this time jewelry isn’t used as a threat. Ella locks herself in the bathroom and sobs. Kirk comes in to comfort her and she tells us some more about how hard it is raising a nine-year-old on her own. Yeah, I wonder what all those single moms do who don’t come on Bachelor Pad. How do they possibly manage?

"I'm going to have to audition for Bad Girls Club!"

Later Chris comes tapping his glass to announce that once each couple decides who to vote for, the woman needs to do the voting. Really it comes down to either Kirk and Ella or Blake and Erica going home. Blake thinks he’s safe since Kasey said so. Idiot. Vienna tells us that Ella’s sob story is very sad, but everyone has a story. Vienna has a story too, but she’s not going to tell everyone about it. She’s certainly not about to tell us how her mom is four months behind on her rent and her 11-year-old sister lives there too. She’s not going to pour out everything about her life. That’s something you do at the end. “And you make it real sincere,” she says.

"Even I don't believe my own story."

Wow, I’m so glad she’s decided to keep her life private. Like, I’m relieved I didn’t have to hear about how mean Jake was to her while they were dating and how he wouldn’t eat the dinners she made for him. I’m glad she spared us from hearing about the horrors of being engaged to such a mean guy and how she now has to live constantly in terror. And when she does decide to bring all that out at the end, I’m sure it will be “real convincing.”

And Blake, basking in the comfort of Kasey’s bogus promises, cuddles on a couch with the whimpering Holly.

Or is that just a whimpering couch? I can't see Holly.

Michael walks by and sees them kissing, which sends him right over to Graham and Michelle to make sure they’re going to vote off Blake and Erica. Graham is definitely planning to vote for them and Michelle hates Blake so she’s down to vote for them too. Michelle tells Kasey and Vienna they’re not saving Blake and Graham goes right to Blake and tells him. Uh oh, not so smug anymore, Blake? Kasey and Vienna are like, “oh well, we tried.” It looks like it’s going to come down to Michael and Holly to determine who goes. Blake begs Holly to save him and Holly whimpers to Michael that she’s confused. Then she goes to the bathroom to cry. Ella finds her there and listens to several more agonizing minutes of whimpering. To her credit, all Ella says to Holly is that however she votes, Michael will understand.

"How can I send Blake home and keep sticking it to Michael?"

Oh good it’s time for the Rose Ceremony at last. So whom did Holly decide to vote for? Everyone stands around on the glistening flagstone waiting to find out. We get to hear everyone fret about it one last time and then Chris calls out... Ella and Kirk. LATER BLAKE!!! And Erica, you need to get lost, too. How did you get this long of a break from law school, anyway? Blake hugs Holly goodbye while Michael stands there fidgeting. Holly hands him a note. Then she whimpers to us that it hurts, boo hoo.

On Erica’s Ride of Shame she says she feels like she’s leaving because of Holly and that Blake made too big of a mess for her to clean up alone. Sustained. On Blake’s Ride of Shame he reads the note from Holly: “Blake - my heart is breaking right now. I’m crying as I write this because I don’t want you to go home. This isn’t the end for us. I miss you so much. Holly.” GAG. I can just hear her whimpering those words out loud as she tries to sound out how to spell everything.

Next week! It’s the season finale already! That was fast! Everyone goes to Vegas to participate in a wall climbing competition to see who the final two couples will be. Then we end in a live studio audience where all the competitors come back to have one last say. This will include yet another face off between Jake and Vienna. But who gets the money? Tune in to find out!

You know, I’m actually glad that next week is the finale. The two-hour stretches have given us more information about these people than anyone ever needed to know. What else could they put us through at this point?

So what do you think? Are you going to tune in to see who wins? Who would you like to see get the remnants of $250,000 after splitting it and taxes?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Bachelor Pad 2: Pinky Swearing is a Slippery Slope

We return to our Bachelor Pad having backed up a minute or two to Chris Harrison telling the guys that whoever doesn’t hear their name has to get in the limo and get lost. Then he calls Kasey’s name, Vienna says thank you to all the girls, Michelle heaves a sigh of relief and tells Kasey she loves him as she hands him the rose. Gross.

"And as Miss America, I promise to stop interrupting."

When Jake takes a moment to say his goodbyes he has a couple of things to get off his chest. He reminds everyone that they had a chance tonight to change the game (“do something very special”), but instead they’re sending the wrong guy home. And if they even want a shot at winning they’ve got to get rid of the power couples. Everyone looks glazed over except for Erica who stands there nodding. Then Jake tells Kasey it was amazing meeting him, BOWS to Vienna, tells her he’s sorry, then says, “My heart... forgiven.” I guess that means he forgives her? I don’t know, he’s just so nice. As Jake gets into the limo, Kasey goes, “Kick rocks, dude.” Oooh, strong words, Kasey. Then he proceeds to remind us that he is the strongest player and is in control of the game as always.

In his Ride of Shame Jake tells us that his mission of confronting and forgiving Vienna has been accomplished and this time he’s not leaving heartbroken - he’s actually glad to be getting away from the crazy house. Word. Back inside the mansion Vienna makes a little speech thanking everyone for voting the way they did because she knows it was for her. Ugh, get out of here, Vienna. You SUCK! And the rest of you? You suck too! Quit keeping these douche mongers around! You think they’re going to let you win?

The next morning Chris tells everyone that today’s challenge is a favorite from Bachelor Pad 1 - the Kissing Contest. Vienna declares that she thinks this is a disgusting contest. Yeah right. Michelle softly says she’s not going to do it.

"I can't be on TV looking silly..."

She explains to us that she has a six-year-old daughter who doesn’t need to see her engaging in that kind of behavior on TV. First of all, if your six-year-old daughter is watching Bachelor Pad, you’ve got bigger problems. Secondly, you played tonsil hockey with Graham on camera last week, is that different? Ella, on the other hand, takes the opposite approach and says nothing is going to keep her from winning a quarter of a million dollars for her son. If you win Ella, it will be a fraction of that amount, but I’m sure little Ethan will be beaming with pride.

Blake seems to be the only guy excited about the kissing contest because it means he gets to kiss Holly. He tells us that he’s going to do a tonsillectomy today, he’s going into surgery and the doctor is in. OMG, he is such a weirdo! Can you imagine your dentist talking like this? CREEPY. Don’t ever let this guy put you under. The guys kiss first, which means the girls come out one at a time blindfolded and each guy takes a turn demonstrating his kissing abilities. Then each girl will vote for the guy (by number) she thought kissed the best. Holly is blindfolded first and no one wants to offend Michael so the guys just peck her... except for Blake who more like pecks her a dozen times in a row, much to Michael’s dismay. And the rest of the girls get pretty much the same treatment, with everyone barely pecking, then Blake getting more and more aggressive. Of course when Melissa is up, she takes her tonsillectomy as a huge sign that Blake is totally in love with her. When Vienna gets blindfolded she immediately starts whining that she’s scared and no one better stick their tongues in her mouth. Oh I’m sure it will be very difficult for everyone to hold back, Vienna. You are just so cross-eyed and charming. Sure enough, the guys all barely brush past her with their mouths, even Dr. Blake, Oral Surgeon. Vienna delightedly votes for Kasey, whose lips she recognizes immediately.

Now the girls get to demo their skills. Ella takes a minute explaining her kissing technique, which is to go in, then pull back, then escalate, then hesitate. It’s nothing earth shattering. Erica slurps her way through each guy and we get the soundbite about her lip injections again. Really editors? You’re that limited on footage?

"So that's what happens when you get lip injections?"

The girls all claim that Kasey has terrible breath, so they kind of brush past him like the guys brushed past Vienna. All except for Holly who bites the bullet so she can win.

Either she caught a whiff of Kasey, or caught a glimpse of Chris Harrison.

That’s really disgusting that Kasey has such bad breath. Disgusting, but very fitting. When Holly kisses Michael it turns into a mini make-out. Ella coos about how sweet it is. Then Holly gets to kiss Blake and she almost gnaws his face off. Is this supposed to be romantic?

When Chris comes out to announce the winners he says that this wasn’t even close - it was a landslide. Blake wins for the guys and Ella wins for the girls. Blake claims this means that a couple of the girls think he kisses better than their boyfriends. But really just Holly. Vienna voted for Kasey and the other girls don’t have boyfriends. Calm down, Blake. The winners get romantic one-on-one dates where they MAY give a rose to their date but they don’t have to. Michael is all nervous because he knows Blake wants a piece of Holly. Ella’s date card comes first and tells her that her future is up in the air. She asks Kirk to go with her since they have formed an alliance.

Cut to later, with Ella and Kirk walking outside to find a red sports car waiting for them. William is quite put out now that he didn’t try harder in the kissing contest. William’s still here?

Congratulations to the biggest whores!

Meanwhile Melissa is squealing at the prospect of going on a date with Blake, which she just assumes is going to happen. She’s sure they’re going to have a romantic date and that she’ll get a rose.

"And if I wish THIS hard, maybe he'll even propose!"

While she talks to Blake about how excited she is for the date he tells her that he hasn’t exactly made up his mind. You see, Blake is torn because he knows he’s being held hostage by the emotionally unstable Melissa, but he really wants to take Holly on the date because she’s hot and sort of taken. Jeepers I wonder what he’ll do. Guys can be very unpredictable you know. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ella and Kirk end up going to a house to eat pizza on the floor on a rug. Jealous? They talk about Ella’s little boy and about Kirk’s mold attack that brought him to the brink of death. (Now I remember hearing about this when he was on The Bachelorette.) Then Ella shares how her stepfather shot and killed her mother right in front of her and her sister. Sheesh! That is a terrifying story and definitely overkill in this Bachelor Pad territory. I’d rather hear stories about wanting the money for a boob job or to get head shots redone. Or, you know, a house on the beach - which this kind of money couldn’t even touch. The point is that Kirk wants to pay his parents back for taking care of him while he was sick and Ella wants to start a shelter for battered women. See how much they both deserve to win?

And now that Jake is gone Erica is searching for her next move. She pulls Blake outside and gives him an oily massage while talking about what a good team they’d make and how creepy Melissa is. At one point when discussing her cleverness she says, “Well I AM in law school.” I’m sorry, what? This girl took - and passed - the LSAT? Or is this like on-line law school? I’m so confused.

Needless to say, Ella gives Kirk the rose and tells us she’s hoping to make a love connection. They walk outside where there is a hot air balloon waiting to take them on a ride. They make out.

Careful, Kirk. I hear mold is "up in the air."

And back home post-massage, Blake’s date card comes, saying “Love is a slippery slope.” Everyone has gathered in the living room to witness this moment and Melissa wonders what they’ll be doing on their date. Then Blake makes a speech and announces that he’d like to take Holly on the date. Holly acts all surprised and accepts. Everyone looks around to see what’s going to happen - meaning how big of a nervous breakdown is Melissa about to have. Melissa screams out that Blake PINKY SWORE to her and demands an explanation, but before she gets one she grabs Michelle and storms out of the room hysterical. Michelle tells us that some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, but Melissa wears her heart on every article of clothing every single day - including her hair tie and her panties. Melissa is beside herself and wants someone to go and confront Blake for her because this just isn’t fair, and then she calls Holly a slut. When Blake knocks on the door Melissa assures him that he has ruined his reputation and is finished.

Melissa goes on a rampage throughout the house trying to convince everyone that Blake and Holly are in on this together and must be destroyed. She even beseeches the cameramen in one of her interviews to send Blake home because he’s acting like a huge player and it’s just not fair. Much to her dismay, no one seems to want to blame Holly - not even Michael. When Melissa confronts Holly, Holly just says she wants to get out of the house, she flirts with everyone and it’s all a game, after all. Fine, then it’s on to confront Blake one last time and force him to admit that he’s only taking Holly on the date to get some physical action while Melissa is the one he really loves, right? But Blake is busy brushing his teeth and no one else is biting and Melissa is getting more and more agitated.

The next morning as Holly and Blake leave for the date, Michael sulks and Melissa seethes. They are both impotent. Embarking on the date, Holly is a master coquette. She twirls her hair and giggles and acts like everything that comes out of Blake’s mouth is the most clever interesting thing she’s ever heard.

"OMG, you're 27? That's hilarious! I'm so glad you brought me on this date! You're the funnest! Heeee heeee! SO FUN!"

A limo takes them to an airport where they both rejoice over climbing into a private jet. Holly grabs Blake’s hand and screams as the plane takes off. Oh yes, that’s terribly frightening. Holly just hopes they’re not going skiing. Guess what. They’re going skiing. And since Holly doesn’t know how to ski, this is her big chance to rely on Blake and his vast knowledge of winter sports, all the while giggling and flipping her hair and exclaiming over the ice that’s falling on her boobs.

"This totally just fell on my boob! Heeee heeee! So FUN!"

She tells us she’s NEVER been on a date this fun. Oh I’m sure. Blake is feeling like the biggest man on campus right about now. Squeal! Giggle! Oh look how funny to throw snow at each other! OH, look how silly to piggyback and twirl around. So fun! So crazy! Wouldn’t Michael’s little heart just break if he knew how much fun Holly was having? Giggle! SQUEAL! BEST DATE EVER!

And Michael’s at home staring directly into the sun and wondering what Holly is thinking.

"I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father."

Is she falling in love with Blake? Well you know Holly, Michael. At the very least she’s flirting MADLY. And it worked on you, Mr. I-fell-in-love-with-Holly-within-10-days-of-meeting-her.

Blake and Holly sit down at a fire pit in the snow and both say this is one of the best days they’ve had. Blake wants to know what’s up with Holly and Michael. Holly takes about five minutes explaining in various vague terms that she really doesn’t know what’s up with her and Michael. It’s hard being around him, she thought it was over, she used to be heartbroken, etc.

Now Michael’s at home staring directly into the fire wishing he had told Holly he loves her. Blake gives Holly the rose. Neither of them wants to come back to the house and Blake tells Holly they can stay overnight if she wants to. She does. Scandal! The guys at home are having sauna time or something because Michael and Kirk are shirtless and Graham is hovering around trying to console Michael as it becomes clearer and clearer that Holly is on an overnight date.

"Let's try a sweat lodge to bring Michael out of his funk."

Ugh, Blake mentions that Holly had said she was surprised that she didn’t win the kissing contest. He says he’d have to reexamine the evidence. You’ve got to be kidding me. He said that and she was able to sit there with a straight face? I think he honestly believes he’s being smooth here. Holly’s feeling a little underappreciated and neglected from her months of turmoil with Michael, so this is just the salve her ego needs and they make out. You can tell Blake thinks he’s a total badass. Holly giggles.

Tonsillectomy AND wisdom teeth extraction.

When morning comes it’s more of the same. Michael is still fretting and regretting. Melissa joins him and talks about what a sneaky conniver Blake is. When the Walk of Shame couple comes through the house, Michael comes tearing across the property to hug Holly. Holly goes into the confessional and says, “I miss Michael. But I had so much fun with Blake,” in a tiny whimpering voice and she has this expression like she’s trying really hard to cry, but no moisture is escaping her lids.

Whispering: "I'm so confused right now. There should be tears."

She even fake wipes a couple of times, but there’s nothing there. Michael sits Holly down and spills everything about how much he loves and misses her. Oh, and did anything happen last night with Blake? Holly goes, “Well... we kissed once.” HA! Michael is devastated. While he metaphorically pounds his head into a wall Holly reminds him that he broke up with her. He walked away from her. Yep. But it’s not so fun when you’re sequestered with her in a house where other guys are trying to bang her, is it?

Vienna finds Holly brooding outside and asks her what’s up. Holly whimpers that she misses Michael but she had so much fun with Blake. We keep flashing back to her in the confessional trying to cry.

Whispering: "My heart is supposed to be broken. But it's so much fun."

Later on it’s Pre-Elimination party time. Vienna has switched out her gray eyeshadow for purple tonight. She must be trying to reconcile with Chris Harrison by matching his favorite color. Chris announces that things are back to normal: the guys will vote off one girl and the girls will vote off one guy. Kasey is trying to get all the girls to vote for William, which, William is still here? Kasey sits down with Ella and Kirk and tells them he’s not trying to sell them a story, but the prize money is necessary for his grandma to live. Wait, whaaaaaaaat? I just almost spit water out all over my monitor. The money is necessary for his grandma to live? Could he have come up with a WORSE cliche? Come ON, Kasey. At least thing of something remotely original! Gram Gram? Ella goes in and votes for Kasey. Atta girl. Later Grams.

Meanwhile Michael has spread a blanket out on the driveway so that he can take Holly on a miniature date of his own. She giggles at first, then remembers it’s Michael and tries to cry again.

"Start over, Michael. Wrong reaction."

She questions Michael’s sincerity, and wonders if it’s only the circumstances that are making him feel the way he does. Probably. Holly whimpers again that she misses Michael but she had so much fun with Blake.

Whispering: "Michael loves me. So does Blake. Why can't I cry?"

Graham, Kirk and William sit around trying to decide whether they should vote for Vienna or Melissa. Hmm, they’re both nightmares, so good luck with that one, boys. They conclude that Melissa should go because none of them wants to get stuck with her as a partner and have to endure her psychosis. Graham says he can’t imagine what Blake must be going through because he doesn’t even speak to Melissa and she drains the life out of him. And here’s Melissa. She stomps around the house approaching each guy and demanding to know who he voted for. When it becomes clear that she’s doomed, she goes to Blake and says she can’t believe he did this to her... and here come the tears again.

"YOU PINKY SWORE!!!"

Then it’s on to begging whichever guys are left NOT to vote for her. This girl knows nothing about playing it cool. Not in this game, and not in real life. Does she think that guys enjoy being owned after one encounter with a girl? Has she NEVER learned about playing hard to get or remaining aloof? She’s 32 for crying out loud! Surely she’s noticed by now that these histrionics are not tactics that work.

Oh good it’s Rose Ceremony time. Ella, Holly, Blake and Kirk are safe with roses. And look who’s going home. It’s William and Melissa. With William, I didn’t even know he was still here, so nothing much will change there. Michelle sniffles and says Will is the salt of the earth. We wouldn’t know it on this side of the screen since we never saw him. William cries a little in his Ride of Shame, saying how much he loves the other players and how much he will miss them. Not as much as you missed the point of this whole game, William. Melissa just sobs in her Ride of Shame and tries to bury her face into the back of her seat while Michelle narrates how evil Blake is for causing Melissa this much pain. Well, he’s a dentist, not a special needs counselor.

"My life is over. OVER!!! And someone needs to make Blake PAY!"

Next week! Everyone plays the “Nearlywed Game” which is this show’s version of the Newlywed Game and it looks like a lot of people are hating on Blake. Uh oh. Who is Holly going to giggle and twirl her hair at? Oh, it looks like Blake still. And so is Erica. She’s trying to team up with Blake by seducing him. Well, whatever. I’ll see you then!

So seriously, what is Melissa’s problem? Also, were any of you even aware that William was still hovering around the mansion? I LOVE hearing what you guys think - it makes my whole day!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta