Date My Ex: Decision Drunk Dial

"How many copies do you think my album will sell?"

Tonight on Date My Ex... we have arrived! We have reached the end of this ludicrous journey and have only one more hour until we know all! It's been a long week of nail biting, pacing, foot tapping, and tears, but at last it's Monday night on Bravo. Here we are, eagerly awaiting Jo's final Big Decision. What filler will we have to endure before we can finally put an end to this?

We come back to our agonizing cliffhanger of Slade asking Jo if she still has feelings for him and Jo sparkling like crazy. Jo tears up as best she can and tells Slade she'll always have feelings for him, of course. HA! I knew it! I mean, I know it didn't take Nostradamus to see that line coming, but I did, in fact, call it. She goes on, however, to tell Slade that she needs to do this for herself, meaning move on, I guess. Jo tells us that she and Slade need to take their relationship to another level - the level of an amazing friendship. I thought that's what you guys were. Wasn't that the whole premise here? Slade nods like a big boy and they stroll off out of the park together. Bummer.

"Slade, I said no gum. Spit it out!"

Jo meets up with the girlfriends to tell them about refusing Slade. The girls pretty much don't care and want to know what she's going to do about her Final Decision tomorrow. Jo says she can't possibly make such a decision at Slade's house, which is apparently just what Brunette Friend has been waiting to hear. She throws her arms in the air and screams, "Road trip!" They all start giggling and Jo tells us that retreating to some other place will be the best thing "fer sure." Then she asks Blonde Bangs to tell Chris and Lucas for her that she's ditching them. Of course she will! That is what a good anorexic hostess does.

Speaking of the World's Sweetest Bro-mance, Chris and Lucas are making themselves some healthy egg whites bright and early the next morning. They give us the irritating news that they will each be taking Jo on one final date today before the Final Decision. Are you kidding me? What, pray tell, are these dates going to determine that we don't already know?

"So couples yoga after we eat?"

As they continue to give each other googly eyes Blonde Bangs prances in to make her announcement. She says that Jo is at a crossroads, she needs more time and she's gone to San Diego. No elimination tonight! The guys are all like, "So now what? We just make out with each other tonight?" But Blonde Bangs assures them that they will be joining Jo in San Diego where she will make her Final Decision. The guys are less excited about seeing Jo, and more excited about getting out of Slade's house. They pack jubilantly.

Jo is back in the confessional booth pleading with us to understand that she just HAS to get out of LA to clear her head and get some perspective. Jo? No one cares. Let's move it along. Next Blonde Bangs calls Slade to tell him that they're leaving and then she goes on to tell him PRECISELY where they're going. Specifically, the Ivy Hotel in downtown San Diego. Well, you have one guess as to where Slade is headed.

Chris and Lucas arrive at the hotel and immediately start basking in the glorious surroundings. It's unclear whether or not they get their own rooms, but I can bet they'll be sleeping together tonight. After putting their crap down they head out to stroll around downtown San Diego and see what the city has to offer. Just kidding! They head straight for the hotel bar and start getting drunk. Chris says he's expecting Blonde Bangs to show up and give them further instructions, so imagine his surprise when it's SLADE who rears his ugly head! He's wearing a t-shirt, jeans and another freaking scarf. No crocheted cap today, unfortunately.

Lucas is so ready to throw down.

The Bro-Mance Boys have a kind of stand-off with Slade right there in the hotel bar and Slade finally breaks down and apologizes for ruining the last elimination ceremony. He assures the boys that it has nothing to do with them - they're awesome! It's just that he had all these feelings resurfacing about Jo and he really needed to explore them. But alas, he's figured out what he needs to know and he's now just here to wish the bros luck. They all shake hands and then Slade slinks away.

Chris's theory is that Slade isn't really sorry, it's just that his ego got in the way and he had to explain himself. He also says that whoever ends up dating Jo is going to be dealing with Slade all the time. Oh Chris, you are way over-thinking this. Meanwhile Slade is headed for a lounge somewhere else in the hotel to hit up the girls. I'm so glad these people got out of wretched LA so that they could clear their minds sitting around inside the lobby and bar of a hotel (of which LA has none, obviously). Great thinking, geniuses!

"I'm like, so glad we got out of LA. I just can not THINK in the hotel lounges up there."

The girls are working on ridding themselves of their own sobriety when Slade approaches to proudly announce that he is the bigger man and has apologized to the guys and is here to say good luck.

"Gosh I'm incredible."

Jo does her puppy dog smile-pout and stares at Slade for an extended period of time before telling us how proud she is of Slade for being so amazing and impressive. Yes, the entire nation is in awe. He is a selfless hero and we should all take a day off of work to celebrate Slade Smiley. Smiley Day. It's a three day weekend! Slade drives away patting himself on the back with vigor.

Blonde Bangs joins the boys 20 feet away in the bar and tells them that they are going on one last date with Jo before she makes her Final Decision. Do we really have to hear everything three or four times on this show? We know! There are more dates and then Jo won't be able to decide. She'll put on more makeup and scrunch up her face, say everything is cute and she doesn't know what to do. Please. It's hard enough to watch, let's not have to talk about it over and over. Anyway Lucas will have his date first. He's really sad to have to stop hanging with Chris, but he'll do it for the good of the show!

Upstairs Jo is busy putting on a tank top that she claims is a dress. Even the Dingbat Duo tell her that they can see her hoolahay and she needs to put on pants. Jo says they're being silly - she's wearing boots, isn't she? And it's downstairs to meet Lucas! They have a joyful reunion and head off to a park to sit around and coo at each other. She tells us that Lucas is so wonderful because she can have so much fun with him and just be herself. As they sit there, Jo says to Lucas that their outfits kind of match. No, Jo, Lucas actually got dressed. Lucas decides to make a speech proclaiming his intentions. He talks about how much fun he's had since the beginning, but now he's realizing how real this is for him and that he's falling for Jo. Jo is thrilled to hear that someone is falling for her and she tells us that her heart dropped when he said that. Oh look, Lucas has a present. He's visited the Build-A-Bear Workshop and made Jo a teddy bear wearing a dress so short you can see its privates. It's a Jo Bear!

"How CUTE! It's not wearing pants!"

And there's more. When you push on the bear's little clutch purse there is a recorded message from Lucas. I was totally expecting it to be something like, "Jo's a hottie." Or "Hey Jo, I miss you." You know, just a sweet little phrase. But the recording goes on and on - Lucas first introduces himself, then says he hopes she likes the bear, then that he's thinking of her, and then that he can't wait to spend more time together. Wow, I bet she'll be pressing that little clutch purse day in and day out to repeatedly hear that speech. Jo thinks it's... CUTE.

It turns out there's a wishing well and so Jo and Lucas both go and throw pennies into it. Jo says that her wish was that she can figure out whom to choose. Shocking. Ew, it's kissy time. Jo perches on Lucas's lap and does some of her signature bad kissing. Jo says, "You're cute." Lucas says, "You're cute." Man, these two would have an exciting life together!

For Chris's date, Jo decides to actually wear pants. That's nice of you, Jo. America says thank you. Chris tells us he wants to show Jo more about himself and become more vulnerable. No thanks, Chris.

"Where is Lucas to shave my back?"

Jo asks the girls to have a cocktail ready for her when she gets home because she has some deep serious thinking to do. That sounds about right.

Jo and Chris embrace and head off on their date to a lighthouse. Jo has a hard time going up the path because it is, in fact, outdoors and she is, of course, wearing stilettos.

"Couldn't we have just stayed in the hotel lobby? It was clean in there."

By the way, Chris is wearing a very deep V-neck t-shirt and Lucas was wearing an even deeper one before. What is up with that? It is not flattering or masculine at all. Anyway, Chris has set out a little pail full of ice and a champagne bottle. Next to the bottle are some potted hydrangeas, which Jo thinks Chris has brought in just for her. She gushes, "Hydrangeas! My favorite!" Chris is like, "Uh, exactly." My theory is that those are part of the lighthouse grounds and Chris caught a lucky break. Chris goes to pop the champagne bottle, or "shoot" it, and as he struggles with it, Jo does baby talk, "You look kinda sexy when you shoot." Ugh. Shut up. As they sit and sip, they discuss that this would be their life if they were married. What, just sitting around drinking? Probably yes, except you'd hate each other. Jo asks - again! - what Chris wants out of this. This is such a thinly veiled attempt to get Chris to tell Jo how wonderful she is and how much she deserves, and he happily obliges. She tells us she's really impressed that Chris isn't afraid to share all of that with her. Of course you are, Jo. He says something about falling in love, and Jo says she feels safe with him. Then Chris says, "You have my heart. What are you going to do with it?" Jo says her heart melted when he said that. More bad kissing.

Back at the Ivy Hotel, the girls are having drinks at the bar in their suite. Are these people ever sober? Jo bellies up to the bar and requests more alcohol.

"Yeah, all Chris brought was champagne, can you believe it?"

Here are her grand revelations of the day: With Chris she can talk about anything. Like life and real... things. Wow Jo. How long did it take your brain to formulate that thought? With Lucas it's fun, laughing... fun, fun, fun. She's not sure which she wants. Blonde Bangs says Jo has to choose between love and fun. Brunette Friend thinks Jo should get love AND fun. This is getting more profound by the second! What will happen next? Brunette Friend thinks Jo needs someone to play with or she'll get bored. Blonde Bangs disagrees. Jo's dated the fun guys, but it's time to find someone with real potential. Brunette Friend brings up the hectic schedule of Jo the Recording Artist. Will either of these guys be able to keep up? Blonde Bangs' big argument: You can't control who you love. Ultimately all three girls shrug their shoulders and drink up. And I think we can safely assume that about sums up the rest of their lives as well.

The next segment is Jo doing a series of flashbacks tracing her "journey" with each guy. I will certainly not entertain this. It's been seen, written about, mocked, and vomited on. See previous recaps if you would like to relive the horror.

The guys preen to get ready for the Final Decision. They both yammer about wanting to be the winner because Jo is such a prize and a catch. Uh huh. For some reason unbeknownst to humankind, Jo deems it appropriate to call Slade. Wait, I know. She's wasted. This is nothing but a drunk dial. She says she wouldn't feel good about going into the Elimination without talking to Slade first because he's her best friend and like family. So she gets him on the phone, tells him it's time for the Big One, then refuses to tell him who she's choosing. Well, this was another waste of precious brain activity.

"Jo tries desperately to keep her balance and focus her pupils."

Blonde Bangs greets Jo on the Elimination Patio and tells her she's on her own this time. Also that love conquers all. Whatever, here comes Chris. Jo gives the expected speech about how comfortable she feels with Chris, that they have familiarity, that Chris notices all the little things, he makes her feel like a woman, he's romantic and he's swept her off her feet.

"Do I smell whiskey shots?"

BUT Jo has to go with her heart and her heart is pulling her in another direction. Chris cuts her off, saying "Don't say it - just give me a hug." He hugs her and walks away and I have to say that's not a bad way to make an exit. Chris says that he's really sad; he really liked Jo and thought they could have something together, but he knows that the right girl is out there for him somewhere. Good luck with that, Chris.

And here comes Lucas. And here comes another speech. Jo's had nothing but laughs and fun with Lucas, she always has an amazing time with him and they can play around with each other. You know, basically all the deep stuff that lasting love is built on. Jo says she has flaws, but Lucas embraces her flaws. And here's the line we've all been waiting for. "I think we should be more than friends. I pick you."

"We're going to have so much CUTE fun!"

Take that, Slade! Jo picked Lucas! Despite you being the bigger man and despite your past with Jo and despite National Smiley Day! We have a winner! Date My Ex has resulted in the loving union of two wonderful people! Lucas tells us how lucky he is to win this incredible woman and Jo says she followed her heart. She tells us she's going to take Lucas to Hawaii and she wants to see what happens. Well I am on the edge of my seat, how about you? The girls join them with congratulations and more alcohol and... finally we are done!

So what do you think? Is this real? Has Jo actually chosen herself a new boyfriend? Well, wonder no longer, beloved readers. I have the answer straight from the horse's mouth! It seems that Lucas has his own little blog on the inter-highway and I have visited said blog. Here is a direct quote from our lucky winner himself: "Currently, Jo De La Rosa and myself are not dating and we didn't go to Hawaii." Aw, you mean Jo didn't even make good on her parting promise? And it's been what, like five minutes since shooting wrapped? What a disappointing shame for one and all! For more on this charming dynamo, you too can visit his blog by clicking here. But I must forewarn you - it's mostly about Lucas and his Best Boyfriend Forever, Chris.

Also, Bravo is whoring Jo's music video on their website, which I will not link to because I just can not condone that. You are on your own there.

At long last we are free of Date My Ex! Again, I sincerely appreciate everyone who read and commented on this nightmare of a show. It's been a ridiculous ride, but I've had a blast. Can't wait to hear what you think of the finale!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Date My Ex: A Classic Bro-Mance

"At last. The grand culmination of our charade."

I feel it only fair to warn you that tonight's episode of Date My Ex takes about 30 seconds worth of information and stretches it into an entire hour of sub-par programming. I kid you not. It is my pleasure to bring to you a retelling of this programming, along with my own thoughts on the matter, so read on if you dare. See you on the flipside!

And the maddening suspense continues. Remember, Slade has just inserted himself in between Chris and Lucas and announced to Blonde Bangs that he wants to take Jo on a date too. The first thing that happens is that Jo and Blonde Bangs take an opportunity to showcase their acting skills. Apparently no one ever taught either of them that subtlety comes across well on film. Blonde Bangs does a huge double take and Jo furrows her brows as if she's trying to clinch a quarter in between them. Then as Slade walks away from her up to the Elimination Platform, Jo stands there with her hand still hanging out in midair where Slade grabbed it and she does a slow motion pivot to see where Slade is going - all the while brows remaining furrowed. Oh yes Jo. I totally believe that you are completely caught off guard and confused. NO ONE saw this coming.

"Do you get that I'm surprised?"

Lucas and Chris take turns telling us that Slade has turned on them - because wasn't he supposed to be here to help Jo find a new boyfriend? Also that Slade is jealous and just doesn't want to see Jo with anyone else. Do you think so, boys? Excellent detective skills you've got. It's really a shame that you have to lose your new good friend Slade this way - you know, finding out that he's actually here for his own selfish reasons and not to be your advocate. Over on HER platform Jo has started giggling and tells Slade, "okay." As in, "Okay, you can take me on a date and we'll get back together. That was the point of all this anyway." Immediately after this comes out of her mouth Chris storms off of the platform, profanity flying, declaring he's had enough of this. Lucas follows suit. YES! AT LAST something reasonable happens on this ridiculous excuse for a saga. Both suitors claim they've been tricked and they no longer wish to be present. RUN boys! Jo scampers after the guys, whining that she had no idea Slade was going to do that. Um, that's hardly the point at present, Jo. The point now is that you told him he COULD. Jo tells us privately that when she realized she had gone chasing after Chris and Lucas, she knew she was much more emotionally involved than she thought. Oh PLEASE! You know you just couldn't let this end without a final battle between old hat and new fish. Emotionally involved... right.

Anyway, the arguing continues on the front porch. Chris says it would be one thing if Jo were to choose Lucas because at least that's honorable, but SLADE? What a joke. Jo is insulted and claims that there is nothing on earth she could have done more in Palm Springs to show how genuine she is about all of this. True. Everyone knows a relationship is not serious until you have a joint watsu treatment. Chris points out that if Jo has no intentions of getting back together with Slade, then why would she accept a date with him? Jo says what else could she do, embarrass him in front of everybody? Oh, heaven forbid Jo. This whole mess is really something to be proud of, so smart move to not embarrass Slade at this point. Jo keeps saying, "It's just a DINNER!" but Chris isn't having it. Even Lucas tries to persuade him to stay (what happened to your resolve, Lucas?) but nothing works. GO CHRIS!

Jo tells us that Chris and Lucas should be confident enough to know by now that dinner with her ex won't change what she has with them. Is she out of her mind? These guys are total strangers to her! Confidence in what? Those two staged afternoons they each spent with her while Slade breathed down their necks? She's right, they should be MUCH more confident in their relationships by now. Here's where Blonde Bangs comes to comfort Jo and Jo does her best to make a tear run down her cheek. Nothing doing. No tear is getting past that vast barrier of makeup and all Jo can do is whine and blink a lot. Oh brother, here comes Slade to add his two cents. Gee Slade, what brilliant insight might you have to contribute? Well what he says is that Chris and Lucas are all happy as long as this is easy, but the minute it becomes a challenge they want to run away. Um, how about the minute they realize that they've been used as pawns in an elaborate scheme to reunite the Smiley/De La Rosa Power Couple they want to run away? Why should they bother once the truth is revealed? But of course, Jo just listens to Slade and nods. She realizes Slade is right (as always); these guys don't have the guts to deal with this once it becomes difficult. Slade knows her better than anyone. Slade is her manager. Slade got her on television... oh what to do?

Back from commercial, we get the highly disappointing news that Lucas was able to convince Chris to stay. Oh Chris. You were the first guy to have any sense of dignity and now you've blown that. I give up - you deserve what you get from here on out. He and Lucas sit around discussing the fact that Slade is a tool bag and they can't let him get Jo back now or else he wins and they just succumb to his plan. Oh, so you admit it's a plan? Good call to stick around then, and see how it plays out. Knock knock at the door. It's Jo to talk to Chris. Chris pouts. Jo pouts. Makeup sparkles. "It's just a DINNER!" Jo was put on the spot; she didn't know Slade was going to do that! Yeah, we got that the first 20 times you said it. Any new arguments Jo? She ends up kneeling in front of Chris and begging him to stay. Nice dating competition for yourself you've created here, Jo. Begging your contestants to stay? Apparently Chris isn't the only one unconcerned with preserving any dignity. Chris says he'll stay if Slade goes, to which Jo agrees. Then she does a sultry maneuver and puts her hands all over Chris's head and they kiss a little. Phew! What a relief we got all that straightened out. Now the nightmare can continue.

"But Jo, why are your pupils red flames?"

Next Jo goes to Lucas, who also asks if Slade can go and Jo again says yes. But now she has to tell Slade he's out, which Jo tells us is really difficult. Boo hoo. After she breaks the news, Slade tells us that Jo chose Chris's feelings over his. Well yes, Slade. You're her EX BOYFRIEND. And you're here to help her find a NEW BOYFRIEND. Are any of you geniuses realizing yet that you're the only ones who thought this was a good idea and that anyone would believe it? Slade goes into snotty mode, saying that Jo choosing the two new guys over him tells him everything he needs to know. He even calls them "pussy-boys." Well that's mature. And reasonable. And worth airing on television. And watching. Jo says, "I can't believe you put me through this!" and storms away. I find MYSELF getting very emotionally involved in this. Wait, no I don't.

The next day Slade decides to lay low to let everybody's temper cool down, including his. I guess mine will have to wait because I can still see his annoying face. Chris and Lucas have breakfast and practically sing each other a medley about being brand new best friends no matter what happens with Jo. Ah, destiny. At least this nonsense brought these two together. Lucas gets ready for his date with Jo and then we pop over to Jo's apartment, where she comes out of the bathroom in a slutty negligee to go out on the town, per usual. Oh puke, Slade calls. He tells Jo it would be good to spend time together and talk about some stuff. Oh, you mean HAVE A DATE? Are we on a loop? Didn't we settle this already? Apparently not, because Jo says that yes, they need to talk. She tells us that even though she told the others she wouldn't see Slade, she and Slade have a lot of "issues" they need to talk about. Of course you do. This entire show was created for the sole purpose of creating an arena for you two to publicly discuss your issues.

Oh here's Lucas. As he comes in Jo asks how he always looks so cute whenever she sees him. All in baby talk, naturally. Lucas says he's still feeling a little confused, but he's pretty sure he knows that Jo doesn't still like Slade. Jo says, "Are you sure you know that?" Way to further your own cause, brainiac. They head to a restaurant where Jo says the table setting is cute and they have cute dinner. Over dinner we find out that Lucas wants to retire early - you don't say! And that he wants to find a girl who's hot but also has substance. Ah, the eternal quest. Good start, there with Jo De La Rosa. There's a major problem with your quest Lucas - besides Jo. YOU don't have any substance. Why would a girl with substance want you? Jo says she wants someone special whom she can call and tell all about her day and she feels like Lucas is that guy. Hmm, sounds complicated. Someone to listen to her alternate between bitching and bragging? Every day? Line up, guys! They have dessert outside and Jo French kisses her fork and tries to feed Lucas while batting her eyes and licking her lips. Just ugly.

"Here comes the sexy choo-choo..."

Lucas hands her a gift box, earning himself a "You're cute!" Inside the box is a charm bracelet, with each charm representing Jo's escalating levels of obnoxiousness. Guess what - it's cute! They go back to Jo's apartment to make out for a while and mercifully we only have to see a few seconds of it. Lucas tells us he didn't get home until really late and he smiles all huge while he says it. What a conquest you've made, Lucas.

Hardly anyone makes it to the top of Jo's Peak.

The next morning Jo does the same huge smile thing while she tells her idiot friends that SHE had a late night, wink, wink. Ugh, what is next, for crying out loud? Chris is shaving to get ready for his date and he summons Lucas to come in and shave the back of his neck. I really could have done without seeing that. Slade makes fun of Chris and Lucas at length and calls their relationship a "bro-mance," which is accurate. But hey, at least they're not hovering around their ex-girlfriends trying desperately to remain relevant. Chris shows up at Jo's with a gift of his own for her. She tears it open right away and it's the lyrics to some country song in a frame. Also the CD containing the song. Jo baby-whispers, "thank you." Yes, thank you Chris. You printed something out on the computer, how special. Jo is clearly highly disappointed at the lack of cash value.

"But you could have taken a minute to think about what I would like."

They head off for dinner where Chris starts dragging his sleeve through his food and Jo comes after him with a napkin. Oh this is so romantic. Jo tells Chris a secret - she's afraid of the dark and she still sleeps with a bear her dad gave her when she was little. That is the best story I've ever heard! Now Chris makes the fatal error of suggesting that he and Lucas could hang out with Jo and her friends. Jo is flabbergasted. She can't believe that Chris could be such good friends with another guy Jo is dating! Is she kidding? They know each other better than they know her! They've also been sequestered together while Slade torments them, what does she possibly expect? She asks Chris if Lucas would come along to Thanksgiving and Christmas parties if she and Chris were to end up together. Chris brilliantly retorts with, "Would Slade?" EXACTLY. It's the whore calling the slut a tramp. Jo acts appalled and says no, but I think we all know the real answer to that. Enough of this. Chris and Jo proceed to the Century City twin towers for dessert. I used to work there! Nothing says romance like the office of your former evil boss, right? Anyway, they eat ice cream and kiss and I was so over this weeks ago. Can I just say again that Jo looks like the world's worst kisser?

She pretty much doesn't move from this.

Chris comes home and chats it up with his boyfriend-alternate Lucas. They giggle about being BFF's and then head off to bed to snuggle. Jo tells the Ditz Twins that she had fun and they nod thoughtfully, or at least try to. Jo has no idea who to pick, if you can imagine.

"There's a draft, so I wore my glitter scarf."

For our final scene of the evening, Slade meets Jo at a park in Beverly Hills. He has a picnic basket full of food from Jo's favorite restaurant. Oh, that was nice of him to make - no wait, he didn't make anything he just got take out. Jo acts like he just jumped into a volcano to save her puppy. She says it proves that no one knows her like Slade does. I really hate to burst your bubble, Jo. I really do, but I bet either Chris or Lucas could also pick up take out from that SAME restaurant.

"Aw, crap. I forgot your Pelligrino."

Slade says he's sorry about ruining the Elimination Ceremony last week, but that he still really loves her. He gives a soliloquy about Jo being the first person he ever loved - this from a man with children - and that Jo actually taught him how to love. I had to pause to literally vomit my guts out, and I came back just in time to see Slade saying he has one final question: He needs to know if Jo still has feelings for him. We are treated to an ultra-close-up of Jo's makeup glistening in the Beverly Hills sun and then we fade away. TO BE CONTINUED!

They are honestly going to drag this out another week, but thanks be to glory, next week is the finale! I'm predicting Jo will say of course she still has feelings for Slade; she always will, he was her first love. But she needs some time to sort things out. Then she'll sequester herself for the rest of the episode and we'll have to hear her ponder everything (and nothing) 45 times while the guys elate in their new bro-mance and they WILL drag it out for an hour. Who will Jo choose? Does anyone on EARTH care?

What are your predictions for next week? How will they spend their final useless hour of airtime? Any guesses?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Date My Ex: Sexy Spa Time... Or Is It?

"Welcome to my sexy vat of crap!"

Welcome, one and all, to another episode of Date My Ex. To those of you out there with the amazing stamina it must take to keep tuning in to read about Jo De La Rosa as if she were the least bit important, I thank you heartily. As insulting as this show is, I love writing the recaps and seeing what you all have to say about it. It amuses me to no end. Join me please, as we continue our thrilling saga.

We join Jo in her confessional, telling us with her sly and manipulative facial expressions that since this week she is taking the guys out on dates she thought she’d mix things up a little and send THEM the polka dot hat box. Sure enough, it’s sitting there on “Slade’s” kitchen counter in the middle of their breakfast buffet in all of its orange glory. I guess the hot pink one opted out of this round.

Can anyone read?

There is a note addressed “To the Cute Boys,” showcasing Jo’s overwhelmingly extensive vocabulary for us once again and we read: “Hi Boys, I’m springing a really hot date on you. Pack an overnight bag and meet me at my house at 10A.” Then Jo has actually deigned to pick up a pen and write something herself. “Can’t wait to see you!!! –Jo. xoxoxo” And she’s decorated this part with a heart and a smiley face. Oh, isn’t she just the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen? Inside the box is a different colored gel spa mask for each guy, and none of them have any idea what they are. Slade announces that this is, in fact, the long anticipated Second Date, and the guys all sigh a little upon realizing it will be a group date and it will include Slade. Each guy takes a turn telling us he’s happy to be going on this second date – how fascinating. Jo tells us that she thinks forcing the guys to live with Slade has made them hold back a bit, but she still wants Slade to stick around and keep an eye on everyone. Keep an eye on them? For what? Continued defense of Jo’s untarnished honor?

Jo – complete with both airhead girlfriends – has rented a huge tour bus and loads everyone on it to head out to Palm Springs. As they set out, our resident genius Zack the Model tells us he’s happy to have a good amount of time to spend with Jo, which Slade quickly interrupts to tell him that he’ll be lucky if he gets a good amount of time with Jo because after all, no one knows how long this trip will last.

"I said, shut your face, Jo!"

Jo looks at Slade and puts on her hugest flirty smile – ugh I just want to slap her snotty little face. Zack asks if the guys can take turns sitting next to Jo and Jo charitably agrees. Slade proceeds on the road trip stewing in his own disgust with the whole situation. You only have yourself to thank, Slade, you freaking idiot. This is your party.

Upon arriving in Palm Springs Jo tells us she’s here with the best of the best. That’s so funny. The best from a slew of total morons? Congrats, Jo. We’re all really jealous. She describes them as “passionate, affectionate, spontaneous, adventurous…” basically every quality she looks for in a guy. Notice she didn’t say “intelligent, reasonable, kind or humble.” Jo knows what she wants! She thinks she’s going to get to know them on a deeper level. If you mean that you’ll literally be underground, then rock on Jo. Otherwise, we are as deep as we’re ever going to be. She has brought the guys to a freaking spa. You know, because guys love going to the spa and do so every time they get a chance. Self absorbed people always assume that their dates should be fixated on their own lame pastimes. Everyone gets into the swimming pool and then Jo announces that she’s taking Chuck away for some private time.

If you’ll recall, Chuck is the clinical pharmacist who took Jo wine tasting and now he is lucky enough to join her for a dual clay treatment. Jo maintains that she’s doing everyone a huge favor. The spa staff starts spreading clay on the happy couple and then Chuck asks if he can take a turn spreading clay on Jo, and again, Jo magnanimously assents. He rubs it on her arms while they talk about how shy he is and Jo tells us that Chuck managed to make clay really sexy. Of course.

Meanwhile, Brunette Friend is in the pool trying to find out if the guys are all here for the right reasons. They assure her they are, but that Slade makes them very uncomfortable. Well, Brunette Friend is convinced! Every last one of these guys has nothing but the purest of intentions.

Chuck and Jo shower off each other’s clay in yet another of Jo’s “sexy” moments. Snooze fest.

Even Chuck is falling asleep.

Jo takes another confessional to grin at us and convince us of how cute and desirable she is by telling us about the dinner “she” arranged for the cute boys. Do you think she sits in front of the mirror and practices these facial expressions? Seriously, she is under the impression that no one can resist her clever little smile. At dinner Jo thanks everyone for being there and tells the guys she knows this hasn’t been easy. Slade butts in – again – saying yes it has been totally easy for these guys. All they’ve done is take Jo on a date and hung out in the pool. It pains me to admit it, but Slade has a point. Granted I know that Jo meant EMOTIONALLY this hasn’t been easy, but please. Who are we kidding? Zack the Model pipes up and says he’s felt very uncomfortable all this time in front of Slade. Jo delights in Zack’s honesty. Oh yes, he’s a paragon of honorable behavior.

Slade privately tells us that this is the first time he hasn’t been in control of the situation. Well, remember Slade, “You Can’t Control Me!” The guys go around the table complaining about how awkward this is. Yes. We get it. This is the most retarded situation ever and you’re all kicking yourselves for volunteering for it. Need we beat it further into the ground?

Later in the Deep Thinking Chamber, otherwise known as the girls’ room, the girls sit around talking about how totally awkward that bus ride was today on the way to Palm Springs. Like, all the guys totally wanted to be near Jo and touching her, and like Slade was all like pouty and stuff. Jo continues to carefully dissect just how uncomfortable all of this is and why. Yes, there’s that dead horse again. Jo says it’s hard because you never totally get over your ex, to which Blonde Bangs pipes up, “Well not the one who’s the love of your life.” Can Slade please just make a declaration so that we can end this charade and put everyone out of their misery? Please? I’m keeping my fingers crossed that’s how this episode will end.

"You guys, I have to go to bed. I've never
thought this much in my whole life!"

And in the Even Deeper Thinking Chamber, the guys continue to discuss… the EXACT SAME THING! Wow this is awkward. Wow I really want to be affectionate with Jo, but Slade makes it hard. Wow, Slade still really likes Jo. Wow does she like him back? Wow I wish I could just really make out with her, but Slade is always in the way. On and on… and on. Lucas finally tells us that it doesn’t bother him so much because Slade’s stated reason for being here is to find Jo a good man, and he, Lucas, is a really good man. Hmm, logic. And that IS what Slade has told everyone. Lucas is a fool to believe it, but kudos for actually saying something different, Lucas. He advises the other guys to get used to Slade because no matter who ends up with Jo, Slade will always be there. Another good point… that should send them all running.

The next morning everyone except Slade gathers around the breakfast table. What a fortunate coincidence! Jo sits at the head of the table petting her hair and reiterating just how weird this all is. She wants to clear the air lest any of the guys think she still has feelings for Slade. Chris immediately says he DOES think Jo still has feelings for Slade, but Lucas overshadows him by saying that Slade still has feelings for Jo. Of course, that’s the part Jo chooses to hear. Slade arrives when the producers allow him and Jo immediately asks if she can talk to him in private.

It seems that Jo no longer feels it necessary to have Slade keeping an eye on everybody and it’s actually just become downright weird, so Jo thinks it’s best if Slade is no longer here. As we head out to suspenseful commercial, a little Bravo promo comes on asking us if we want to hear about Slade and Jo’s first kiss and if so, we should log on to Bravo.com. What? NO, we don’t want to hear about Slade and Jo’s first kiss! Are they kidding? Who cares!? Isn’t this SUPPOSEDLY all about Jo moving on? Great, sit her down and let her expand at length on her first kiss with Slade. That’s very useful and highly interesting. Enough already!

And back from break we rewind a little for Jo to once again order Slade to leave. Slade tells us that he’s really, really hurt, but he agrees it’s best for him to step aside at this juncture, so he slinks away in his manpris. (In case you don’t know that word, manpris are Capri pants being worn by a male. Also called Peter Panpris when the male in question appears to be a perpetual child. Quite apropos here, I would say.) The cameras gather to film Slade being driven off of the spa property in a town car and maybe we can finally move on with this crap.

Jo announces that it is now Chris’s turn for private time and they go to have a joint watsu treatment. Watsu is apparently where you float in a pool and pay a “therapist” to move your arms and legs around as you surrender to the water. Are you serious? I mean, yes, it sounds nice, but really? I can charge people to float in my pool while I wiggle their arms? I think I have an idea for a business venture. Jo tells us that this watsu with Chris is – what else? – sexy. They’re in their bathing suits and touching each other, oh my gosh!

Don't kid yourself. This takes years of training.

After the “therapists” are done working their magic, Jo and Chris huddle at the side of the pool and Jo goes into her “provocative” mode. She tilts her head down, looking up at Chris from under her fake eyelashes and talks in a very soft baby voice, asking what he wants out of all of this. This little act is so studied that Jo could probably write a dissertation on it if she were literate. Chris totally buys it, telling Jo he’s here for her and he’s so happy to have had the opportunity to meet her. Then he asks what she wants out of this. Jo says she wants a guy who will make her happy. Of course she does. She’s not looking for a soul mate, a partner, someone to share her life. She’s definitely not looking for someone whom she can make happy. Oh no. Jo is in this for Jo. Which of these guys can most adequately make JO happy? And for how long? I added that last question. Jo latches around Chris’s neck and continues the doe eyes from under the polyester lashes, blinking, biting her lip, blinking again. Chris has no response. What’s the problem? These little tricks have never failed in the past! What on earth is wrong with Chris that he’s not kissing her right now? Is he mentally impaired? Chris gets a half a point from me for NOT kissing Jo. It’s the first sane thing I’ve seen here.

Jo pulls out all the stops. And is denied.

Now it’s Lucas’s turn and he and Jo head for their spa treatment in what looks like pools of soil. I’ll give you one guess as to whether this “spa treatment” is okay with Jo. “It’s diiiirteeee, it’s iiickeeee, it’s smelleeeeee! It isn’t sexeeeeee, waaaaaaaaah!”

"I'm mudeeeeeee! I'm not paying for this!"

They immediately climb out of the slop and take a sexy shower together to wash each other off. After that they sit down under a tree for Jo to renew her performance. She sits on Lucas’s lap and sticks out her bottom lip, fluttering her eyelashes at him. Will it work this time? Will Lucas make a move? From out of nowhere a cat comes walking along and Lucas reaches out to pet it, saying, “Kitty wants some love.” Jo is about to come out of her skin. What is WRONG with these guys? She looks at Lucas and says, “Jo wants some love.” Really Jo? It’s come to this? Lucas obliges and they give each other a tight lipped kiss that doesn’t look sexy at all. Nevertheless, Jo beams to the camera and tells us that Lucas is a really good kisser. Sure he is.

The final outing is a couples massage with Zack the Model next to a lake. As they lie on neighboring tables holding hands Zack spouts off about not liking Slade. Then he dismisses the masseuses and asks if he can massage Jo. What do you think? Of course he can and he does. This is so boring.

"I wonder how tan I'll get only halfway out of the blanket."

Later the two of them sit in spa robes and kiss while Jo shows Zack all of her teeth. Zack says he’s thinking about the other guys, to which Jo says, “Zack, shut up!” and she proceeds to suck his face some more. Jo finishes this off by thanking Zack for her massage in baby talk.

At the conclusion of this display all four guys gather around a table where Jo and her friends are sitting. Blonde Bangs informs them that they will not be traveling back to LA with Jo, but will be going separately and then Jo will have to make her Elimination Decision. The guys climb into the tour bus and Jo and the gals continue to sip their tea, or whatever it is they’re doing.

Back in LA the girls sit down for YET ANOTHER analysis with Jo. Once again she yammers about Slade and how weird it was to have him there, but how weird it was to send him home. But on to the next step! Jo definitely knows ONE of the guys she will dismiss, but she gets really confused when she tries to decide who else to send away. And here is an earnest quote from our beloved heroine: “It’s like having four really cute pairs of shoes and not knowing which one you want to pick, so you just buy them all! But I can’t do that.” Yes, beloved readers, this is just like picking between four really cute pairs of shoes. Or four really cute headbands. Or four really cute scarves. What about four really cute colors of nail polish? Or four really cute eye shadows? Actually, we know from watching this that Jo NEVER chooses one makeup over another, but just wears all of them at the same time, all the time. Layer upon layer.

The next few minutes are a big waste of time (unlike the rest of this show) where the guys just sit around wondering what their chances might be for being chosen to stay in the house. Slade also makes an appearance to insult everyone and everyone feels really awkward. Blah, blah, blah.

Jo comes over in a slutty outfit to make sure Slade is okay with being thrown off of the spa date. Slade says that he has a lot of emotions about all of this and he’s really been thinking about everything, but can he help Jo decide whom to keep? Jo says nope, she’s already decided everything and doesn’t need any help. Wow, slap in the graying facial hair, Slade.

Who will "just be friends?"

FINALLY we get to the elimination ceremony. Each guy takes a turn making a case for himself. Lucas says that Jo makes him smile all the time and he knows Jo has dated lots of different guys, but that he is really well rounded, so he hopes she chooses him. Chuck says that when he first met Jo he knew she was beautiful and as he got to know her he felt a connection and he hopes they’ll get to continue that. Zack says that from the moment he and Jo laid eyes on each other they had an unbelievable amount of chemistry and attraction and it keeps on building as they spend time together. He wants to see where the relationship can go. Chris says that what he loves about Jo is her smile and how she laughs about everything. Also that she makes him feel comfortable in every situation. Wow, those were very profound and touching speeches all the way around. How will Jo ever choose? Ugh, now Jo goes around saying what she likes about each guy, but I honestly dozed off. I can’t listen to her drone on anymore. PICK SOMEONE!

Chuck, you’re out of here. Jo thinks you should just be friends. Chuck tells us he would have liked to get to know Jo more, but whatever. It’s time for a commercial. And when we come back… it’s Zack the Model who has to leave! They should just be friends. And now Zack decides to make a speech, otherwise people might see this and think he’s some kind of loser. He says, “Okay. I guess it works out all right because I really had a hard time not thinking about Brunette Friend when I was with you. And I don’t know if that’s something I could have gotten over anyway.” Oh, good call Zack. You really saved face there. Now no one will ever think that you are any kind of idiot or fool. Now back to your jewelry repping and hobby modeling. I don’t know how the world managed without you while you pretended to date Jo.

"Thank goodness I think so quick on my feet!"

Well! There is stunned silence following this upheaval. Lucas and Chris can’t believe their ears. Slade points out that Zack didn’t have the guts to pass in front of him on his way out, but instead squeezed away between Blonde Bangs and Chris. Jo is of course mightily shocked, but relieved to know she made the right decision. Yes Jo, we’re all so proud of you. Slade announces to the group that Zack is a piece of trash. Oh is he, Slade? Thanks. He was a piece of trash all along. Saying something mean to Jo was maybe the only real thing he did. Anyway, moving on from the brouhaha, Blonde Bangs begins to deliver her wrap-up speech when Slade interrupts and announces he has something to say. He takes Jo’s hands in his and tells her that he didn’t expect to have unresolved feelings for her, but now he must do something about it. With that he marches up onto the elimination platform with the other guys and tells Blonde Bangs he wants to take Jo on a date. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call the “anti-surprise.” Unfortunately this didn’t end the wretched series and we’re still going to have another episode.

Next week we pick back up right where we leave off and see Chris storming away, saying he’s withdrawing from the competition. Can I just beg to the Reality gods that he really will withdraw from the competition and so will Lucas, and Slade and Jo will get sterilized and go on with their pathetic lives unfilmed? That would be the greatest ending to a reality series EVER! Tune in to see Jo try to cry.

Are you all in stunned shock like me? Do tell me all!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Date My Ex: Not in My Water Feature!

"Slade has two swimming pools?"

So this week a family member of mine set the DVR to record the Olympics EVERY TIME it was on. This of course, means that the Olympics were recording for at least 12 hours every day and the DVR started eliminating everything else that was recorded, most alarmingly, Date My Ex. I know you’ve all been biting your nails to the nub waiting to read about how Jo is proceeding so the minute the rerun came on – which is right now – I got right to the recap. With apologies for Olympic tardiness, I present to you episode five.

You can’t control Jo, m’kay?

She’s meeting her final three dufuses tonight and Blonde Bangs tells us she’s already been out with 13 guys. I wonder how many guys came to the casting call. Twelve? Anyway, tonight we meet Chuck, 28, Clinical Pharmacist. Clinical Pharmacist and he wants to meet Jo? Either this guy had a really hard time in high school or his “clinical pharmacy” consists of a meth lab. He says that Jo seems like a fun girl with a lot of aspirations. Okay, whatever Chuck. Next is Rameil, 42, Investor. Well he’s in Slade’s age range and has similar graying facial hair, so Rameil is on the right track so far. He tells us that his name means “tall god” and he’s trying to live up to that. Oh boy. He says that Jo reminds him of a Ferrari Testarossa because she’s beautiful and powerful. And don’t forget, Rameil, she has tomato boobs, too. Finally we meet Peter, 28, Surf Instructor. Peter looks a bit like a gorilla and claims to be the life of the party.

Blonde Bangs explains the rules and brings out the four guys who are moving on to second date status. They do a walk through and rip on each of the three new guys. And here comes Slade. Today he has done away with the jeans/t-shirt/crocheted cap look and decided to don a three piece suit and sunglasses. I’m actually not sure which ensemble is worse. Either way he looks like a complete creep. Slade thinks he remembers Rameil from high school. Just kidding. The three newbies settle into their tiny chambers and sit down to play a game of cards. Not so fast, studmuffins. David has come up with a really fun game to play called “Initiate the New Guys.”

It's not all fun and games at Slade's house.

He makes them all change into their bathing suits and then brings them to the pond in front of “Slade’s” front door. He tells them that he’ll toss a handful of coins into the pond and whoever can collect the most will be the winner. And it’s supposed to have something to do with showing Jo how much they like her, etc. They guys leap in and start digging around for the coins, which is difficult because the bottom of the pond is all gray stones.

"Get off of my quarter!"

Apparently Slade hears a suspicious noise because he comes rushing out the front door demanding to know what the new guys are doing bobbing around in his water feature. Yes, he very carefully explains to everyone that this is a “water feature,” not a pond, and as such everyone better get out of there quick. It is the height of disrespect to treat Slade’s water feature like a playground and he will not stand for it! He says “water feature” at least 15 times before we get to the reason he came outside in the first place. It’s time for Chuck to go on his date.

"Can I get anyone a pharmaceutical?"

Over at Jo’s apartment Jo is sitting on her couch pretending to write a song. She sits there strumming her guitar and mumbling and I have to say that I can play the guitar this well and I can’t play the guitar at all. Can’t wait to hear this finished masterpiece, Jo. Brunette Friend comes in with the hot pink polka dot hat box. This is really the exact same thing every week, isn’t it? “Jo, let’s spend an afternoon indulging our senses in sweetness and laughter. Maybe we’ll connect if the spirits move us. –Chuck.” Jo and Brunette Friend coo over how sweet this is and then Jo pulls out a wine bottle opener – or whatever those are called. So they’ll be tasting wine. On her way over in the car Jo gets her phone call from Slade. But this time is different. Slade is very put out. “Blah, blah, blah… David blah, WATER FEATURE, blah blah blah… WATER FEATURE, blah blah blah blah WATER FEATURE, WATER FEATURE, WATER FEATURE!!!” Jo laughs, which almost puts Slade over the edge. “It’s not funny, Jo!” Did I mention that Slade is wearing a bracelet?

Jo meets Chuck at a chocolatier where they will be tasting wine and chocolate. During their first glass, Jo says she can’t taste anything because all she can smell is water feature. HA! Just kidding. She just says that it’s too sweet. Slade frets at the laptop that if Jo starts sampling red wine she’ll get all touchy feely. Look, it can’t be any worse than her plethora of vodka shots followed by a big fat smooch last week, can it? Chuck breaks the glorious news that not only will they be tasting wine and chocolate, but they will also get to make their own chocolate and dip some fruit in it! Oh my gosh – can this date get any more thrilling? Fasten your seatbelt! It turns out that Chuck was mildly fibbing. They don’t really make anything, they just stand next to a mixer where chocolate is being stirred and dip orange wedges in it. Jo tells us that Chuck is very classy and refined, then she gets very confused and says, “but really cute just the same!” Oh Jo, what are you trying to say? Zack the Model isn’t classy or refined? I never! They eat more chocolate and drink more wine, then discover each other’s innermost secrets, like they both like country music.

"Don't tell anyone, Jo. But SheDaisy is my fave!"

Jo says it’s one of her favorite dates so far. Chuck thanks his lucky stars that he didn’t take her shooting. When Chuck gets home to tell the guys about his date, David says something about having a chocolate de la Rosa and once again, Slade gets all in his huff about defending Jo’s honor. I’m so confused. First, what did David even say? Second, why would anyone care? And third, since when did Jo care about having any honor to defend?

Surf Gorilla

Back from commercial we go directly back to the pink polka dot hat box where Jo reads, “Jo, hope you’re on board for some fun in the sun! Meet me at the beach so we can begin our adventure. – Peter.” Of course, the surfer is taking her surfing. Jo pulls a string bikini out of the box – oh great, do we get to watch Brunette Friend help her put it on?

Slade comes to taunt Peter while he gets ready to go and he asks Peter, why Jo? Peter says that he’s always had a rapport with Latin girls so Jo will fit right in. Huh? Slade tells us that the “surfer thing” makes Peter sound really uneducated and Jo won’t like that. Slade? I don’t think it’s the “surfer thing” that makes him sound uneducated. And Jo liked you, didn’t she?

Jo and Peter meet at Santa Monica beach on a really cloudy day and begin their surf lesson. Being from Orange County, Jo has never learned to surf, which makes absolutely no sense, but whatever. She thinks Peter is cute, which is also confusing to me, and he describes her as a Latina goddess. There’s not too much to say about the surf lesson except that it looks really cold, and then they sit down on the beach to have a snacky-poo. Jo describes Peter as really down to earth and grounded, so there goes Slade’s theory about Jo finding Peter uneducated and unappealing.

"Is my eyeliner smeared?"

When Jo gets home she demonstrates to her friends with an ironing board how she learned to surf. I guess they couldn’t have visualized a surf board on their own. When Peter brags about how well his date went, the other guys belittle him, according to tradition.

Fresh off the retirement community

Ah, here goes Rameil getting ready to take Jo out on a senior citizen date. Slade relates very well, but still manages to mock Rameil’s outfit. He worries that Rameil will be much more worldly than the other guys because he’s so much older.

Jo is busy making smoothies when the pink polka dot hat box makes its final appearance. They always manage to have her look so busily employed! “Jo, I think you’re a princess and deserve to be treated like one. Care to join me for the royal treatment? –Rameil.” Of course, Jo is thrilled to have someone point out what everyone should already know, that she is, in fact, a princess. She pulls a ginormous gray purse out of the box and tells us it’s ugly. Thanks for nothing, Rameil!

Jo meets Rameil at the Luxe Hotel on Rodeo Drive and he presents her with a rose, telling her that her name, de la Rosa, reminds him of a rose. Wow that is so symbolic, Rameil. A little too symbolic, in fact, for Jo, who once again is very confused. Rameil takes her up to a room in the hotel where there are lots of roses everywhere and a little table set up. Jo gets really worried and whines to us that it is so weird to be taken to a hotel room on a first date. Jo, what about this whole thing ISN’T weird? And don’t pretend you’ve never gone to a hotel room on a first date before – please.

"I usually get several cocktails before this point."

Jo sits down at the table and Rameil wants to hover over her and feed her chocolate covered strawberries. Uh, okay, this IS weird. Jo insists that she can feed herself and Slade is elated at the laptop. Next Rameil wheels in a rack of formal gowns and tells Jo he wants her to try them on and choose one. Jo is all uncomfortable, but not for the reasons you might think. She is uncomfortable because she thought that she left this kind of life behind her in Orange County, and she’s just not about this anymore. Yes, ladies and gentleman, THAT is what is wrong with this picture. As she tries on the dresses, Rameil calls to her from the other room, calling her “sweetheart” and “darling” so Jo rolls her eyes and makes faces to the camera. She finally emerges in a purple gown, that’s so big of her to settle on one, even though this is all just so awkward, and Rameil tells her there’s one thing missing and hands her a fat necklace. She puts it on, then tells Rameil it’s not really her style, handing it back. The most shocking event happens now, when Rameil has the gall to ask Jo how old she is. Jo gasps. Slade gasps. Blonde Bangs gasps. This has been a little weird, yes, but Jo was willing to overlook all of the inappropriateness until this moment. How dare he ask how old she is? He just crossed a huge line! Rameil takes Jo to a fabulous restaurant and she decides that now is the time to pretend that she’s NOT the world’s biggest social climber. She tells Rameil that this isn’t what makes her happy and instead makes him take her to the drive-through at McDonalds and eats her quarter pounder with cheese in the back seat while he takes her home. Well, you’ve convinced me, Jo. I was wrong about you all this time. You’re really just one of us.

At home for some reason Slade has commissioned the guys to bake cookies for Jo. I guess because she’s such a regular down home girl. Once again, David wants to fashion food in Jo’s image and of course, it’s a stick figure with huge boobs. This guy is one clever chap! Cue Slade on his white horse to save Jo from any and all degradation.

"Did someone say 'boob!?'"

Following a montage of all of the offensive things David has done from episode one, Slade pulls David outside to throw down the gauntlet. First off, the water feature! Well, David will not be blamed for all of these things when all of the guys in the house have been involved! The conversation quickly devolves into a pissing contest from which David stalks away. So Slade goes and grabs all of David’s crap and puts it next to the front door, telling him he has to leave. Duhn, duhn, duhn!

Jo and the dumbelles arrive for their weekly pestering session right in the middle of all the drama. Slade pulls them all into a room to freak out and Jo says she hasn’t seen him this upset since the day they broke up so she knows it’s serious. While Slade is having his tantrum David marches in and tries to interrupt, but Slade escorts him right back out. He tells Jo that this is all about protecting her honor and wants to know if David is really the kind of guy she wants to be with and we cut to commercial after a sustained shot of Jo’s signature confused facial expression.

Jo’s big decision is to talk to David and find out his side of the story. Oh this ought to be good. David tells her that Slade is still in love with her and will say or do whatever he can to make the other guys look bad, specifically David. As Jo tries to explain to David that she’s never seen Slade this upset since the day they broke up, David walks away laughing. Uh oh. It’s time for reinforcements. Jo asks Lucas to step into a room with her and Slade to see if he has anything to say about all this. Lucas agrees that David has been highly disrespectful, so Jo takes her leather jacket and her dog tags and attempts to have conversation number two with David. David does his usual routine of steering the conversation and talking over everyone else and then finally Jo plays her trump card. “I think we should just be friends.” OMG, I almost just died laughing! Jo pulled out her dismissal line in the middle of Pre-Elimination Party Time! As David begins to respond, Blonde Bangs marches in as if on cue and announces that he needs to back his bags and get out of here. On his way out of the room David warns Jo that if Slade is the type of guy she wants to mess with, she’s on her own. Oh, you mean she’ll have to do it without your expertise, David? Sob.

"I've done all I can here."

David storms out into the front yard making a big scene about telling the cameras not to film him, which could only mean that he wants to be filmed until the last possible second. He tells us that Jo isn’t all that and that she is just in and out of his life and he’ll keep right on ticking. Oh good, I was worried for a minute about what your next move was going to be, David. Thank you for putting my mind at ease. Blonde Bangs tells the rest of the guys that David is gone and they all look down at their shoes while taking quiet sips of their drinks. Let’s get to the elimination ceremony!

Jo comes to chat with Slade and she thanks him for always having her back when guys try to disrespect her. Now onto this week’s guys! Rameil was a huge cheeseball, and her most memorable date was surfing. Chuck, however was very comfortable and romantic, but Slade warns her that Chuck is quiet and they don’t know much about him. Oh no, what could be worse than that? The second date guys gather in their room to do their usual speculating.

The new guys line up outside for Blonde Bangs to recap their dates, and then it’s Jo’s turn to talk. Jo, per usual, tells every guy his pros and cons. Rameil treated her like a princess, but he’s all about a life she left behind in Orange County. Peter taught her how to surf and she loves that he’s tan, but she doesn’t know if the surfer life is for her. Chuck is affectionate and comfortable, but he’s traditional, whereas Jo is very modern and trendy. And the first to be rejected is… Rameil. Jo thinks they should just be friends. Rameil is fine with that because Jo’s girlfriends are really cute and he’d like to hang out with them some more. And next to be dismissed is… Peter! Jo wants a second date with Chuck, so take that, Peter! You and Jo should just be friends. Peter says he’s going to go home and have a tantrum, throwing stuff all around his room, but he’ll be fine by tomorrow morning. We all will, Peter. Blonde Bangs congratulates all the guys for making it this far. Slade tells Jo to take a look around because one of these remaining four guys might be her next boyfriend. Wow, that is such a huge deal!

"I'll fill your prescription, Jo."

Next week Jo takes the guys on a road trip and kisses everyone. Then it looks like she tells Slade to take off. It can’t be! How can I make it until Monday to find out what that is all about? I’ll never sleep!

So, are you all glad to see David go, or could you care less? What do you think is in store for the long-awaited second dates???

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta