Second Time Around in Newport Harbor?

"I have a really difficult, complicated life."

Tonight is the final installation of our super-special holiday treat: Newport Harbor: Home For the Holidays. We last left Chrissy pouting over the fact that she can’t have everything and everyone and also, her ultra-annoying friend Kylie has been acting like she’s way too good for all of this and we are all lucky to know of her. Let’s join the troops once again to find out what’s happening down in the real Orange County.

We return this week to our original Cookie Cutter Scene #1, watching Chrissy and Sasha play tennis while Sasha asks Chrissy questions about Clay. It seems that there has been no word from Clay. No phone calls, no text messages, not a peep. Chrissy says that seeing Clay with other girls totally made her realize that she made a mistake. Billy’s cool and all, but unless Clay agrees to just sit and pine for her, Chrissy thinks she wants him back. If she can’t have him, no one can! Sasha says, “Never say never.” Goonies never say die.

As we get another look around Newport Beach on our way to Cookie Cutter Scene #2, I realize just how all-out Mayor G-Thing went when I see actual presents hanging from trees. This truly is a wonderland. We zero in on Clay’s Beach House, where the Mayor is arriving to discuss Skjsonby’s party. He asks Clay if he talked to Chrissy at all, and when Clay says no, Mayor G-Thing says that he saw her staring at Clay a lot. Clay goes, “Really?” Remember last week when Chrissy said that she and Clay kept staring at each other but not talking? Apparently Clay has a different version of what happened. He says that his feelings aren’t 100% gone, but he has no idea what Chrissy’s situation is with Billy and he wishes that she would come to him and tell him what she’s thinking.

Um, I’m not really sure what to say about our next location except that it looks like we are arriving at a small-to-medium-sized European palace, so I wonder who is spending the holidays abroad when a subscript comes up that says “Allie’s New House.”

Welcome to Neuschwanstein

You have got to be kidding me. I guess that little shack by the water just wasn’t cutting it anymore. Sejour (the restaurant Allie’s parents own) must have had a really good year or two to explain this massive expanse of real estate. I guess Art and Carolyn were feeling pretty cramped – especially after Allie moved away to college. Carolyn welcomes Original Allie and Fatty to the new pad and then Art – one of my personal favorite characters – enters to welcome the girls as well. They take a tour of what looks like a giant museum and discover that there is an indoor pool which would serve as an absolutely perfect setting for a party!

Allie and Fatty sit out on one of the many patios and decide that they simply must throw a party – preferably this weekend. Fatty suggests a theme party and I flashback to Pretty in Pink. What will the boys be dressing as this time? Allie says that she wants to theme it 20’s and 30’s because she likes that fashion era. Good call, Allie! Very cute fashion era. But won’t there be a bit of a time crunch if the party is this weekend? I mean, we’re still on “Thanksgiving weekend,” right?

Elsewhere in the Newp, Chrissy heads out onto her front porch to call Billy and let him know that she’s not, in fact, going to be heading up to San Jose, aka Douche Town to see him this weekend. She tells him awkwardly that she has some things to take care of and can’t make it. Billy’s like, “That sucks,” and Chrissy just says she’ll see him back at school. Honestly Billy doesn’t seem too broken up about it, but what’s he going to do, cry for us? Chrissy mopes, as usual.

"Boo freakin' hoo. I got to be on TV!"

Next we join Sasha and Chrissy walking Bogey and discussing how excited they are to attend Allie’s party tonight. Chrissy says she hears that Allie is doing a 20’s theme. So it’s the day of the party and they hear it’s a 20’s theme, so what will they be doing about costumes? Sasha, thank goodness, has a really cute sparkly dress that is 20’s style and her mom has vintage shoes she can wear. Chrissy is just nervous to see Clay – again. She tells Sasha that she blew Billy off for the weekend and Sasha asks if this means that Billy is out of the picture, to which Chrissy answers yes. I wonder if Billy got that message from Chrissy’s explanation of taking care of some things. Sasha says that Chrissy has to look so gorgeous tonight that everyone will turn to look at her as she enters. Um, may I throw up please? Wait it gets worse. Chrissy says, “Like in Cinderella? I hope the slipper fits.” I, personally, would like to beat her with the slipper, but Sasha is more optimistic, assuring her that the slipper will fit because she and Clay are meant to be, he just has to realize it. Sasha, that is the mantra of psychotic women everywhere. Chrissy says she has to make Clay fall in love all over again. Or you could be nice and spare him the torture, Chrissy.

Mayor G-Thing, who refused to wear pink to the Pretty in Pink party, is now dressing in bright pink fabulous for the 20’s party. He teases Clay about “pimping some chicks” which is how I just hope guys talk about me because it’s so flattering. Chrissy and Sasha are getting all dolled up as flappers over at Chrissy’s house and Chrissy starts whining that she’s scared.

"You have to listen while I complain some more."

Yes, yes, yes we know, Chrissy. You’re scared, big news. Clay and G-Thing get gangstered out and start doing DeNiro imitations into the full length mirror.

Isn't he pretty in pink?

Well, through the miracle of MTV story editing all of the local girls seem to have managed to find sparkly flapper dresses to wear to this impromptu shindig. Original Allie and Fatty welcome the guests and it looks like most of the guys didn’t make as much of a costume effort as the girls – with the exception of Clay and Mayor G-Thing. It doesn’t seem like this is a pool party as the girls are so carefully coiffed and made up, but nevertheless several boys go flipping into the pool in swimsuits. You just never know with these Newport kids.

Well, I spoke too soon about the boys’ outfits because in struts Chase with an entourage and they are all decked out in black with fedoras so they are either the Hebrew Hammer or 20’s gangsters. Ew, all of a sudden Kylie is here and it looks like she has decided to betray her friend Billy because she is prodding the ever-nervous Chrissy to go over and talk to Clay. P.S. How freaking adorable does Clay look in his suit and leather fedora? Hello!

I bet he smells good, too.

Chrissy just sort of paces back and forth around Clay not saying anything.

And as Chrissy does her stalling dance, Original Allie and Chase have a little heart to heart. She wants an answer to the question on everyone’s mind. What is up with Chase and Kylie? Chase tells her that he’s moving to Santa Barbara and Allie warns him not to play with girls’ hearts because someday someone will do it to him and then he’ll be sorry. Chase doubts it, saying he won’t ever let a girl get close enough to hurt him. Oh dream on, robot boy.

"Believe it or not, someday you will have an emotion."

After what seems like about six months Chrissy finally asks Clay if he wants to talk. This next scene made me want to cry for some reason. I am really getting soft because this is the second Newport Harbor episode that has made me misty. The shame! So here’s how it goes: Chrissy handles the convo with her usual awkwardness, just saying that she doesn’t like that things have been “weird” ever since they broke up. Clay says he doesn’t either, but he doesn’t really know what to say about that. Chrissy goes on to say that she didn’t think she would care, but she got really jealous when she saw Clay with another girl. Clay’s response is so perfect. He shrugs and half-laughs: “Well yeah. It’s – how do you think I felt when I met Billy?” Yeah, Chrissy! And you were sucking Billy’s face off when Clay first saw him. Can you please stop tormenting him now and go on about your sorority life? Apparently no she can’t. She goes on to say that she and Billy just hang out, then later she voices over, “It’s nothing like it was with us.” Clay says that he really doesn’t know what to tell her, and I totally agree with him. All she told him is that she doesn’t like seeing him with other girls and what the crap is he supposed to say to that? Especially after how she treated him. Too bad, Chrissy! They both agree that this isn’t the way they planned for things to go and then Clay says, “All right,” and walks away. I have to get a tissue, I’ll be back.

The next morning Sasha and Chrissy head over to Haute Cakes Café to recap the party. Sasha says that she had a good time other than being pushed into the pool – an incident that MTV didn’t see fit to include in our footage. Chrissy starts pondering that she needs to prove to Clay that she’s sorry, she wants him back, and that he’s the only one she has deep feelings for. Oh, deep feelings, okay. I guess when you classify your feelings as deep and not-so-deep that makes all the difference. She implores Sasha to come up with something for her to do that will remind Clay of all the good times. Oh great, she can’t even think of a way to tell him herself? Yes, her feelings are awfully deep.

"I love him too profoundly
to have any idea what to tell him."

Clay and Mayor G-Thing are having their own party recap over at Mayor G-Thing’s house while they play pool. G-Thing wants to know how things went with Chrissy, adding that “girls are so stupid.” Clay says it seems like Chrissy still has feelings for him and that he’s not completely over it either. Mayor G-Thing says that maybe Clay should give Chrissy another shot. Whaaaaaat? After all the nagging he did telling Clay not to have a girlfriend, then ratting Chrissy out to him and even dragging him up to Santa Barbara to watch Chrissy make out with Billy right in Clay’s face, now he’s advising him to give her another shot? This is so fishy I don’t even know where to start. Mayor G-Thing says that Clay should have the Christmas spirit and give her another chance, and also that he’ll probably never say such a thing about any other girl for the rest of his life. Well, yeah, there probably won’t be a giant cue card instructing you to say it at any other point in your life, G-Thing.

"You're absolutely joking, right?"

Original Allie and Fatty are on their way back up to Santa Monica and are also discussing the party. They are quite pleased that so many people dressed up. Then Allie drops a huge bomb. She has a job!

"I'm going to like, get paid! To shop!"

She was hired to work at Dame, a clothing boutique in Santa Monica. I did a little digging and they don’t really have a website, but they have a MySpace page. I was really liking their stuff until I saw a picture of Lauren Conrad on the site and then I immediately clicked away. That girl totally rubs me the wrong way with her completely unoriginal “fashion designs” and her face all over every magazine for doing nothing but being a huge snob. Yuck. Anyhoo, Allie is now a working girl and I may have to drop in on her to say hello. As long as Lauren doesn’t cross my path things should go well.

Ah hah! Chase and Kylie have gathered on the beach to have a little chatty-poo about the question everyone and their uncle keeps asking: Where do these two stand? Kylie wants to know when Chase is planning the Big Move and then she tells him that things are going to be different when he gets up there.

"I don't think you can handle what I've got."

She likes him and everything, but she doesn’t want to be so serious. Chase says he didn’t think they were getting too serious and Kylie says that she doesn’t want it to become serious. See, she has this whole new life up in Santa Barbara and she’s not sure Chase is “ready for it.” Just kidding, for once that’s not what she says, she just dances around it, saying, “I don’t know.” Chase says that he gets it and that Kylie can do “whatever.” Wow, that’s so romantic.

So now we get an external shot of Clay’s Beach House and to my horror I don’t think that this is the same as his other house – the one that’s close to where Chrissy lives. This really is just a second house for his family to play in that’s right down the street from their first one. I wonder if Clay’s parents own a restaurant like Allie’s. Chrissy arrives at the dock behind the Beach House and proceeds to decorate Clay’s little boat with ten thousand Christmas lights and trinkets – even a Nutcracker. Then she ties mistletoe on the antenna. Noooooooo! Don’t do it, Clay! Don’t take her back! Then she drives over to Clay’s regular house and sticks a note on the front door. When Clay comes home he finds a card instructing him to meet Chrissy at the Beach House for a “surprise.”

The heart on top of the "i" shows how deep her feelings are.
And it was Sasha's idea.

Well, because Clay is such a nice guy who totally deserves better than Chrissy he shows up to see her surprise. She’s waiting for him out by the dock and tells him that she thought it would be nice for them to talk alone instead of amid the hubbub of a party. Clay asks what is up with Chrissy and Billy and she says that she doesn’t even talk to Billy anymore. Anymore? What has it been, like 48 hours? She says it was really dumb and she made a mistake and she’s sorry. Also! She has a present for Clay. He opens it and pulls out a USC sweatshirt. Then Chrissy busts the news that she’s transferring to USC next semester so that she’ll be closer to home and able to come visit more often. When the crap did all this happen? Wouldn’t she have had to apply like, months ago in order to attend winter semester? She can’t just decide in December that she’d like to start at USC in January. Well, whatever. She tells Clay that if he’s for it, she’s for trying to make things work between them.

"Well, the Mayor advised me to give you a second chance."

Clay says he agrees (to my eternal disappointment) and then Chrissy says she has another surprise and she stands up. At this point I honestly and truly thought she was going to take her clothes off. I really, really did. I’m not quite sure why my mind went there because all she does is plug in the lights that she strung all over Clay’s boat. They kiss and Clay suggests that they go for a little cruise. As they set off he notices the mistletoe and asks what it is, ha ha, wink wink. They peck a couple of times and then just stand there looking confused. Well, isn’t that adorable? They’re back together just in time for Christmas. Ugh.

"So we're a couple for reals. Or for TV. Are we done?"

So! That’s the end of our four episode Home for the Holidays arc. I’m not really sure what I think about it. It all ended so conveniently smoothly that I wonder how much of it actually happened and how much MTV… okay, I won’t go there. We’ll pretend it was all spontaneous and real and we got to sit in on the drama as it unfolded. How did you like this darling little story?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Thankful to be Back on the Market in Newport Harbor

Clay bounces back.

Wow guys, sorry this one’s so late. Holidays, you know. And unlike the Newport Harbor kids, I was not home for the latest holiday. I was out of town for a few days, but now I’m back and ready to party! Let’s see what the kids have cooked up for us this week!

So we start out by joining Chrissy and a bunch of her sorority sisters sitting around the sorority house discussing how like, totally weird it’s going to be to like, not be together on Thanksgiving. It’s going to be so weird that they’ll all be calling each other every single night to check on what everyone is doing and make sure they can all breathe while in different cities. Allie 2 asks if Chrissy has talked to Clay since they broke up, which she hasn’t, and Kylie says it’s all good because Chrissy still has Billy. And then we learn that Billy has become good friends with Chase and the boys want to plan double dates and stuff to take the girls on, which Kylie is just so like, above. Anyway the underling girls of the sorority want to know about the Big Breakup, so Chrissy tells them it was depressing and now she doesn’t even want to go out when she’s home for Thanksgiving for fear of bumping into Clay.

What's the story, morning glory?
What's the word, humming bird?

Did you know that Newport Beach gets decked out like Candyland for Christmas? Well, it does. Mayor G-Thing must have allocated some tax money for all of the giant candy canes.

Re-elect Mayor G-Thing!

And speaking of the Mayor, he is arriving at Clay’s house right now to pump him for information. Clay has been thinking about the whole Santa Barbara experience and wants to know what Mayor G-Thing thinks of Billy. Surprise, surprise, Mayor G-Thing thinks Billy is a douche. He says that all of the kids up in Santa Barbara are just a different breed. That’s an interesting theory there, Mayor G-Thing. Not everyone is so fortunate as to be born and raised in Newport Beach along with your breed. Maybe Billy just can’t help being a douche. After all, who knows where he’s from? Clay says that he just hopes Billy treats Chrissy the way she deserves to be treated and I almost puke. How’s that? Like the manipulative spoiled brat she is? Mayor G-Thing wants Clay to move on and get over it, so to that end he has planned a barbecue/Jacuzzi session complete with “chicks” to help in Clay’s cause.

Let’s join up with two of our Newport Harbor hotties in the middle of their major pastime - grooming. Taylor and Alex have stopped in at a beauty supply store to get makeovers and gossip. As the makeup ladies dab brushes at the girls’ faces - clearly their makeup was finished long ago in an earlier take - Taylor reveals that Mayor G-Thing called her earlier and told her all the break up news.

"Just pretend. Don't smear my lip gloss."

Also, they seem to be the designated “chicks” for tonight’s barbecue, so they’re going in order to drool over Clay, who they are certain will have girls fighting over him now. Poor Mayor G-Thing. He’s had a crush on Taylor for a long, long time and now she’s going to attend his barbecue just so she can admire his buddy. HA!

Up in Santa Barbara Billy and Chase have put their lame-o double-date plan into action and are escorting Chrissy and Kylie to dinner. Chrissy makes appropriate dinner conversation, launching yet again into her breakup story - in front of the new guy she’s dating. Chase says it would never have worked because Clay lives two and a half hours away, which is precisely why he’s moving to Santa Barbara so that Kylie can have a fair shot with him. Chrissy says that college and high school are two different worlds - plus the kids in Santa Barbara are a totally different breed, you know.

Ah, the barbecue. G-Thing is pleased with himself for inviting “younger reinforcements” and announces that they will be hanging out with booty like tonight’s for the rest of the year. Yes, good luck with that, G-Thing. Do you think he realizes that the only reason these girls come around is to stare at Clay? Taylor arrives wearing a shirt from the future and as the girls get themselves a hamburger they whisper to each other about how cute Clay looks.

Taylor's shirt deflects nuclear radiation.

After they reaffirm that Clay and Chrissy are dunzo, G-Thing announces that it’s time to go to the hot tub. Then he says, “Clayboy! G-Bo needs a bathing suit!” I really don’t like him. He always refers to himself in the third person and by some retarded rapper-esque nickname. The girls strut in their swimsuits and Clay positions himself between them in the hot tub. He’ll never have the guts to do anything, I predict.

Back at dinner in Santa Barbara, Kylie is once again being an obnoxious instigator and asks Chrissy right in front of everyone what the deal is with her and Billy. Chrissy just goes, “We’re hangin’.” Chase jumps in and analyzes the relationship for himself, saying it’s not happening yet, but that they should take a cue from him and Kylie and just cruise. I had to visit urbandictionary.com again to figure out the whippersnapper lingo, and apparently cruising is equivalent to chilling. Interesting that Chase wants to make a big move to be near a girl he’s just cruising with. Besides, I’m pretty sure that Chrissy saying she and Billy are hangin’ means pretty much the same as cruising. Thanks for nothing, Chase.

It’s time for our weekly visit to Santa Monica to catch up with Original Allie and Fatty. They, too, are discussing the breakup. Sheesh, this is the talk of the town! Allie is dressed like a gypsy and trying to determine whether or not Clay is sad about the breakup.

Hey, Esmeralda!

She got the news from Mayor G-Thing, who didn’t let on that Clay is sad, but Allie suspects that he might be anyway. Good deductive reasoning, Allie. Fatty changes the subject and says that someone named Shawnsie is having a party. I start wondering if that is one of those names where the parents decided to combine their own names into one for their child. You know, like Sean and Susie named their child Shawnsie. Anyway, they decide the party will be fun and then they retire from the pool to go finish packing. Thanks for dropping in, girls!

And back up in Santa Barbara, Chrissy (sans sweatshirt) is bumping into Billy on campus and they discuss what they will be doing for Thanksgiving. It sounds like a bunch of cast members will be having dinner with Chrissy’s family, and Billy suggests that if she has time, she should come up to San Jose for the days following Thanksgiving. Ah, so San Jose is where the douches are bred. Got it. As usual, Billy is rushing off to class, so they kiss goodbye and Chrissy says she’ll let him know if she can come up to douche town.

"Yeah, so bring the cameras and come on up."

Later on we meet up with Chrissy and half the cast at her parents’ house for Thanksgiving. Mommy mentions that she’s been over a hot stove all night and everybody giggles, which causes me to wonder if this is actually Thanksgiving or if MTV has staged a “Thanksgiving Dinner” for everyone to sit around and advance the storyline. It’s actually quite a few people who don’t seem to mind ditching their families for the holiday. As everyone files into the dining room, Daddy announces, “We cooked all day for you,” as he smiles. Sketchy! It looks like Chase, Kylie, Allie 2 and Sasha are all here to feast with Chrissy’s family and as they sit down, Daddy wants to play that fun Thanksgiving game where you go around the table and say what you’re thankful for. The most interesting thing was from Sasha who is thankful to live in Newport Beach. Who wouldn’t be? After the game Daddy butts into business, as usual, and asks Kylie and Chase if they’re dating or what. Well, Kylie deserves this after all of her public questions.

"Oh gee, look at all this attention!"

Mommy announces that Chrissy has dubbed them “tweeners,” so I guess they’re in between being friends and being a couple. Wow, who cares? The “Shawnsie” party comes up and Chrissy once again announces that she’s afraid to go because she feels weird about running into Clay. Daddy asks if it’s over with Clay and Chrissy says it’s O-V-E, but not R. Can someone please stab a fork in my eye?

The next day Chase goes to the beach to eat something with Krutch, whom we met at prom last season. The topic of conversation is Shawnsie’s party. Of course it is. It was either Shawnsie’s party or Chrissy and Clay breaking up. Let’s see how long before that one comes up. It turns out that Chase can’t even go to the party because he is going down to San Diego with Kylie to meet her parents. Okay, that sounds like a barrel of laughs. The tweeners are having a parental meeting? Can this episode get any duller?

It looks like we have to have one more conversation before we can get to the party and this time it’s between Chrissy and Kylie and this one is also about the party. Basically Chrissy has decided to go even though she thinks it’s going to be weird to see Clay, blah, blah whatever. Then Kylie talks about bringing Chase to meet her parents and she makes it out to totally be Chase’s idea. Like he volunteered to go home with her just so he could meet her parents. That’s not exactly how Chase presented it to Krutch, but who knows with these two?

It’s finally time for the long-anticipated party. Here we learn that Shawnsie is actually Andrew Skjonsby, and everyone has been tricking me by using different pronunciations for his last name.

"Stop calling me Andy."

G-Thing and Clay are over for the pre-party and want to know which girls have been invited. Oh, you know, the usual: Original Allie, Fatty, Chrissy, some “Harbor Hotties,” and some out-of-towners. Well, this should give Clay a grand selection and should leave Mayor G-Thing with zero chance of anything, as usual.

We cut down to San Diego where Chase is arriving at Kylie’s house. When she answers the door she asks, “Are you ready for this?” What is it with her and that question? Like her life is so intense she’s not sure anyone can handle it? Guess what, Kylie. We’re ready. Chase presents Kylie’s mom, Tammy with flowers. Over dinner we learn that Chase is attending Orange Coast College, which is news to me. BUT, he announces (yet again) that he’s moving up to Santa Barbara. Tammy starts doing Chrissy’s Daddy’s song and dance about demanding to know if these two are serious or casual or what the story is. Kylie just says, “We’ll see.” I wonder how many more people we have to watch have this exact same conversation. As Kylie helps her mom clear the dishes, her dad asks Chase what he wants to do with his life and Chase, of course, has no idea. Mostly he’d like to go surfing tomorrow, but beyond that, it’s up in the air.

Back up at Skjonsby’s place, the party is underway. Original Allie is chatting with Clay, who tells her that it’s completely over with Chrissy. She playfully shoves him and tells him she doesn’t feel bad for him because he kicked her to the curb. Clay does his confused act.

"Wait. What did I do?"

Chrissy arrives in all her glory, wearing some tiny black dress and walking in like she owns the place. No one pays too much attention to her and Clay actually turns his back and walks away when she approaches to give Original Allie a hug. Good for you, Clay! You know every girl there would make out with you in a heartbeat. Sasha pulls Chrissy into the kitchen and asks if she’s okay. Chrissy says it’s just weird because they keep staring at each other and not talking. Yeah, either that, or Clay is busy ignoring you and you don’t like it.

"But I'm the center of the universe."

Sasha reminds Chrissy that she is the one who broke up with Clay and now he’s allowed to flirt. A couple of weeks later Chrissy voices over that she’s regretting it, but we’re supposed to think she said it right then. Sasha offers to leave if Chrissy wants to, which she does. Clay watches her go while Taylor tells him to relax and have fun.

In San Diego Chase and Kylie are evaluating the parental dinner and Kylie tells Chase that next time someone asks him why he’s moving to Santa Barbara the answer is supposed to be “skimming,” which I think is referring to skim boarding, one of Chase’s many cerebral hobbies. See, Kylie doesn’t want anyone thinking Chase is making the move for her because then she might actually be obligated to him.

Does anyone actually like her?

The next morning Chrissy comes out to watch her Daddy pretend to clean the pool for the cameras so that they can gossip about Skjonsby’s party. Chrissy tells Daddy that it was awkward because she didn’t talk to Clay, she just had to watch him flirt with other girls and it made her realize she’s not completely over him. Daddy wants to know what about Billy. Chrissy says she still likes Billy too, so why can’t she have both? Why can’t they both just accept the fact that there are two guys in her life and be happy for her? They are so selfish. Actually, all she says is that she misses Clay and Daddy tells her that whatever is meant to be will work out. Wow, that’s deep. Chrissy goes inside to gaze at a framed picture of her and Clay at prom and to pout.

Next week Chrissy schemes with Sasha to figure out how to “make Clay fall in love all over again,” and Kylie tells Chase she doesn’t want anything serious. Sounds like more of the same, but you’d better believe I’ll be there!

So what did you think about tonight? All the repeated conversations?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Are You Guys Ready For This?

"Oh cripes. You saw that?"

And we’re back with more Newport Harbor: Home for the Holidays! Except this week nobody is at home and there is no holiday – unless you count Billy Frat Party Day as a holiday. Evs, lets join the gang down at the beach in Newport, or up at the beach in Santa Barbara, or midway at the beach in Santa Monica. Quit your job, drop out of school, whatever it takes to be one of the cool kids in Orange County. Let’s go!

Chrissy starts us off by excusing last week’s public make-out session with Billy as the result of her being “caught up in the moment.” Way to rationalize, Chrissy. Were you also drunk? Were you also just missing Clay? Were you also just trying to have a good time at your party? Busted! Then we move to Clay and a still-scuzzy Mayor G-Thing packing up the car to head to Santa Barbara to spy on Chrissy, or as Clay said last week, “see this for myself” or something along those lines. There’s nothing like a young trusting relationship. They decide that if things with Chrissy go awry, there are plenty of other college chicks dying to make out with high school boys so they’ll be just fine. This may end up being true for Clay, but Mayor G-Thing is so screwed. Or not screwed. You know what I mean.

Up in Santa Barbara Allie 2 is taking a turn wearing a UCSB sweatshirt in case any young viewers are pondering over which college to attend. Like we’re really supposed to believe that these snotty little sorority girls voluntarily wear big frumpy school sweatshirts. Nice try, MTV. And UCSB.

"Fine. But Kylie has to wear it next."

Meanwhile Kylie is sporting two spiders where her eyelashes are supposed to reside and she is telling the girls how she feels about hanging out with Chase at the party last weekend. Unlike last week, she’s sounding a little put out with the whole idea of Chase and announces that she doesn’t want a serious relationship right now. Not even with a real estate office floater? This girl is picky. Chrissy says that it was interesting to compare Clay and Billy last weekend since she spent Friday night with Clay and then Saturday night with Billy. But she still can’t choose between them and has no idea whom she prefers.

Back in the Newp (Holla, DP Hooker!), Chase is taking a stroll with Fatty, who is on one of her frequent fact-finding missions. She discovers that Chase is planning to move up to Santa Barbara to be near Kylie because he is quite determined to be in a relationship with her. Remember last year when Fatty and Chase had their drunken make-out at the Pretty in Pink party? Just thinking out loud. Anyway, I’m deducing that Chase is no longer an office floater at the real estate firm. Or if he is, he doesn’t care and is quitting. He’s also not going to school so that makes him an unemployed dropout. I bet Taylor cries herself to sleep every night. Fatty pushes to know just what Chase’s status is with Kylie and he says that they are “together” without the title. I wonder what Kylie would have to say about that. Fatty wonders about Taylor and tells Chase he needs to choose, to which he declares that he has already chosen Kylie. Too bad she hasn’t chosen him back.

Chrissy sits outside on the UCSB campus in front of her blank laptop screen and pretends to call Clay when who should come strolling along but Billy! Call cancelled. They chuckle over how much fun they had together over the weekend and then Billy tells Chrissy that his buddy Brett is having a party tonight and that Chrissy should come with Kylie and Allie 2. Chrissy says she’ll think about it, but she has a lot of studying to do. Yeah right! She says she’ll be there with bells on. Billy heads back to his dorm and Chrissy goes back to fake studying on her blank computer. Does she own any books for all of those classes she’s taking?

"So can I borrow your biology notes?"

And we’re back to Chase’s house and now I have another question. Didn’t he move into his own apartment on the season finale? I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but Chase’s story was that he chose a real estate career over college and moved into his own apartment where Taylor could admire him. What gives? In any case, the Mystery Man is placing a call to Kylie in Santa Barbara, who is wearing – you guessed it – a UCSB sweatshirt. Kylie is less than enthused to answer Chase’s call and when he tells her he wants to drive up to Santa Barbara to see her tonight she tells him she is too busy studying and can’t be bothered. She tells him to come the next day. Chase says he’ll come tonight and she can put her books away, but Kylie isn’t Taylor and stands fast with her homework story. Someone doesn’t want Chase at the Billy Party. Denied!

Let’s join Chrissy and Allie 2 getting ready for the big party, shall we? I am taking makeup notes and what I have learned tonight is that to do your eyes you take a charcoal crayon and color the area around your eyelashes good and dark, then apply mascara for about a half hour. Result: Spider Eyes. Who’s jealous?

"Hang on. Three more coats."

The girls talk about how clever Chrissy is for putting Chase and Kylie together, even though Kylie isn’t really into it. See, they mesh well, but also butt heads. And Kylie won’t stand for Chase’s crap. Plus she’s kind of a player herself, so that should be good for Chase. You know, I remember setting people up in college for similar reasons. Like I had a roommate who could not stop talking about herself, so I set her up with this guy who couldn’t stop talking about himself, and I was curious to see them fight it out for conversation control. She ended up shaving his head. Okay, maybe that’s different, but still. It’s a hoot to set your friends up and witness the inevitable clash. Especially annoying friends and Kylie seems really annoying. Chrissy continues to apply mascara and admits she still has no idea what to do about Clay and Billy. Shocker. Guess which SUV filled with two Newport boys is almost to Santa Barbara.

I'll give you a hint.

Clay and Mayor G-Thing tell the receptionist at Chrissy’s dorm that they’re looking for Chrissy and she tells them to go to room 13. Suspicious. No last name needed? They walk over to what is definitely not room 13. In fact, there’s no telling what number it is because there is a flyer stuck over the number. This must be due to all of the stalkers Lauren and Audrina got, forcing them to switch apartment buildings. The horror of becoming an MTV reality star. Well, whatever, Kylie answers the door and is just about as happy to see Clay and the Mayor as she would have been to see Chase had he disobeyed orders. Thought you were studying, Kylie. They all fake hug and Kylie offers to take the boys over to the party.

NOT room 13.

Well, it’s Britney, bitch. Yup, that’s the hot music playing at the oh-so-cool fraternity party that everyone is flocking to. Frat boys listen to Britney? I guess it gets chicks in the mood. I simply must pause here for a moment of Honey Gangsta skepticism. Sorry, but The Hills has ruined me for reality TV. I can’t help but think that MTV threw this party specifically for the show and everyone who is there is a hired extra. I’m not saying Chrissy knew Clay would be coming, I’m just saying this ain’t no spontaneous frat thing. Like Brody and his “beach house barbecues.” Okay, back to suspension of disbelief. Billy is the social butterfly of the evening, snuggling with all the girls and making all the introductions. When Chrissy arrives, Billy introduces her to some of his chicks and then takes her out on the patio to hug and cuddle. I haven’t seen this many red plastic cups since Laguna Beach. Allie 2 and Chrissy have a quotable exchange:

A2: Like, do you like him?

C: Like, I like him, like, I mean I still have feelings for Clay, but like, I like Billy. They both like, remind me of each other…

A2: It’s your Clay away from home, duh!

What did I say last week? Billy is a smaller more feminine version of Clay! I knew it! Not a good trade-in, Chrissy. Just about now, Kylie is leading Clay and Mayor G-Thing up the front lawn to the party. She says, “Are you guys ready for this?” Oh puh-lease! Ready for what, Kylie? The pretend party? The red plastic cups? All the hot college guys posing for the cameras? Britney Spears pumping at high volume? I don’t know if these seasoned reality stars can handle it. Well, we all know what happens next. In walk Clay and Mayor G-Thing just in time to see Chrissy and Billy making out in full view.

Caught up in another moment, Chrissy?

As Chrissy unhooks her lips from Billy’s face she glances over, spots Clay and starts to panic. I was really rooting for Clay to walk over and introduce himself because he is so much bigger and manlier than Billy, who would have peed his pants, but alas, he and Mayor G-Thing flee the scene. Weenies. Mayor G-Thing asks Clay what the deal is with Chrissy and Clay says, “I guess I’m over it.” So now it must be on to all of those college girls who are dying to meet high school boys, right Mayor G-Thing? Chrissy just stands inside the party confused.

The next morning, the three sorority sisters sit around to discuss what happened. Allie 2 has a complicated theory. She thinks that the boys just randomly decided to come up to Santa Barbara – end of theory. This girl’s a sharp one.

"OMG, I bet you're right."

They wonder where the boys ended up sleeping. I can answer that. They slept at a hotel that MTV paid for and after a lovely breakfast in their room they drove over to the beach and posed like they were sleeping in the car. As if we’re going to believe that the rich boys slept at the beach in the front seat of Clay’s car – sitting up? Sorry, but no. Please make a little effort, MTV. Just because you shot your wad with The Hills doesn’t mean you should give up entirely.

"It's funny to pretend to sleep in the car."

The boys “wake up” pretending to be confused about where they are and start talking about how bad last night sucked. What, no college girls? Clay says it was stupid and Mayor G-Thing says, “Frat row is filled with tools.” Eloquent as always, G-Thing. He does the “I told you so” dance, reminding Clay that he said all along that relationships suck. Clay sees the silver lining, which is that at least now he knows where he stands. Yes, there’s always a bright side. Just then, as the result of much prodding from the sorority sisters, Chrissy calls Clay’s phone. G-Thing doesn’t want him to answer, but of course he does. Chrissy is all elusive, just saying that last night was weird, and she doesn’t know, blah, blah, blah. But she’ll come down to the beach and they’ll talk. G-Thing doesn’t like this at all, so he takes off on foot to find some breakfast in this strange town. Good luck with that, player.

Ah, we’re taking a refreshing break from all of the relationship drama to pay a visit to Original Allie and Fatty McFatterson in Santa Monica. Original Allie laments that she needs to find a job because she has no money. Sorry, but I can’t resist this Allie quote: “I like, hate that like, I always have to like, call my dad and like, be like, I need money in the bank, like…” Have these kids always said “like” so much? It’s so distracting.

"Like, no. I've never like, said 'like' so much."

Anyway, the girls conclude that Allie should find a job at a clothing store so that she can get a discount. Fatty tells Allie about the chat she had with Chase the other day regarding his relationship with Kylie. They think Chase is foolish for wanting to move to Santa Barbara to be with Kylie (duh) and that Kylie is the girl version of Chase. In fact, at Chrissy’s party the word on the street was that Kylie wasn’t even that into Chase. Well, maybe someone will be getting a dose of his own crappy medicine.

And speaking of the two little evil players, it looks like Chase has made his way up north and he and Kylie are sitting down to talk on some bleachers. When Chase asks what Kylie did last night, she says, “Oh the usual…” Liar! Well, maybe not. Maybe the party actually is her usual. I wonder if Chase is “ready for this,” you know, all the wild parties and everything. Chase tells Kylie about some townhouses he looked at and she looks beyond bored.

"Oh hooray, you're moving up here."

They change the subject to gossip about Chrissy and Kylie admits that it looks like Chrissy is leaning toward Billy. Yawn.

Over at the beach Clay is doing his typical sad lonely boy routine, staring out into the surf by himself, when Chrissy comes along in her skinny jeans and Uggs. Chrissy says that last night was weird, and she wishes she had known Clay was coming because things would have been a lot different, and Clay just keeps saying, “Whatever.” When Chrissy says that the boys could have crashed in her dorm, Clay says it would have been awkward with Billy there. This next part I have to say is quite well-played by Chrissy. She says that Billy wasn’t at her dorm and that the two of them are just hanging out, they aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, and she’s not going to jump from one relationship to the next like that. So… about cheating? Nope, never mentioned. She says that she feels like she’s trying to hold on to high school, but she needs to be in college. Clay should make the best out of his senior year and she should make the best out of her freshman year. Clay just says, “That’s true.”

Man up, Clay!

So they conclude that it’s no one’s fault, but they need to go their separate ways. I guess, but it was in fact, Chrissy’s fault. She should have been honest at the beach house dinner instead of pretending nothing had changed. I guess we’re supposed to be sad as they both skulk off in opposite directions. It’s kind of sad, but we all knew it was coming.

Next week there is another reunion of the Newport kids in Newport and this time Clay is parading around with girls on each arm. But the girls are Taylor and Original Allie – an obvious ploy to make Chrissy jealous. And it works!

So how did you like this episode? Have we seen the end of Chrissy and Clay?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

There's No Place Like Newport Harbor for the Holidays!

Welcome Home for the Holidays! Home, that is, to Newport Harbor! MTV is treating us to four special episodes catching us up on what is going on with our favorite flaky rich kids from Orange County. We left them setting off into either the big world of college, the big world of Europe, the big world of senior year, or the big world of real estate. Let’s spread on some baby oil and put on the sunglasses. It’s time to return to Newport Harbor: The Other Laguna Beach!

Chrissy starts us off with a couple of updates. It has been probably about two and a half months since we left our dear children heading off on their adventures, so much has changed. Mayor G-Thing is a senior and from what Chrissy understands, is “ruling the school.” I’m guessing that means teaching everyone fake surfer talk and doling out unsolicited relationship advice from the very guy who’s never had one. Guess what else. Chase and Taylor broke up! Who would have ever guessed? But before you start feeling sorry for Chase – which would be like feeling sorry for the devil – don’t worry. Chrissy has fixed him up with Kylie, her sorority sister who, I’m sorry, is nowhere near as pretty as Taylor, but apparently she and Chase are hitting it off. Allie and Fatty came back from Europe and moved to LA for “school and life on the road in the big city.” I guess we’ll find out what that means. Oh, and remember all those promises Chrissy and Clay made about visiting each other constantly? Well, they haven’t seen each other once and now Chrissy is in a sorority (with Kylie) and has a “tiny crush” on a guy named Billy.

And it’s up the coast we go – zooming right past Lauren and Audrina to Santa Barbara, home of Chrissy’s UCSB sweatshirt. She and sorority sisters Kylie and Allie (a second Allie?) are sitting outside at a picnic table discussing everyone’s upcoming visit to Newport Beach. Allie dutifully wonders if it will be strange for Chrissy to see Clay again after all this time. Chrissy admits that things haven’t worked out as expected, as neither one has bothered yet to make the whopping two-hour drive to visit, and about them still being together she ponders, “I don’t really know. That’s why I’m confused. Like, that’s why I like, feel bad ‘cause like, I’ve been hanging out with like, Billy a lot and stuff…” Like, what? Evs, she’s definitely excited because she’s sure that once she sees Clay all of her feelings will come rushing back.

"I'm like, in Santa Barbara."

Hooray! It’s obligatory Scene #2 in our Newport Harbor scene repertoire. It’s Clay, Mayor G-Thing, the ocean and a Chrissy discussion.

"It's just like the old days, brah."

I have to mention here that it looks like Mayor G-Thing has really let himself go. He looks highly un-groomed and shaggy. Perhaps he is starting a grubby trend?

"Dude, why shower? Just chill like me."

He naturally wants to know how Clay feels about his upcoming reunion with Chrissy and Clay just doesn’t know because all this long distance has been harder than he expected. Mayor G-Thing of course derides him, saying he’s stuck in this relationship not knowing what to do instead of living the good life chilling with the Mayor and not combing his hair. Clay looks defeated – and groomed.

Ah, Clay has decided to take matters into his own hands and give Chrissy a call. She’s hanging out around campus up at UCSB, reading… sitting on the grass… getting filmed. Clay is at his “beach house,” which I’m still really hoping is just his regular house and not some second supplemental house his parents decided to purchase a block away from their primary residence. And now the bad news: Clay is headed to Arizona in the morning to look at some colleges. The one weekend Chrissy will be in town! How did the producers let this scheduling glitch slip through the cracks? Or is this just some clever ploy to get Chrissy to slip up while Clay is “out of town?” Time and truth tell all. Either way, tonight Chrissy simply must come to the “beach house” for dinner so the two of them can figure out where they stand. Chrissy changes into frump gear and bids her sorority sisters farewell, planning to see them tomorrow when they arrive in Orange County.

Chrissy takes a fashion tip from Mayor G-Thing.

Back in Newport Mommy and Daddy are so excited to see their little princess and her bags full of laundry. They want to know how college is and Chrissy is just so happy she joined a sorority. She even had a sorority date party and this is where the parents get to learn about Billy, prompting Mommy to ask what’s going on with Clay. Only dinner at the beach house can answer that question, Mommy.

And speaking of the beach house, Clay is slicing tomatoes and lighting candles. Chrissy has de-frumped for dinner and sits down to tell Clay all about college. See, there is this huge group of people who all hang out together and they get to do lots of activities with frats. How do you like that, Clay? “Uh…” Chrissy tells him he needs to follow through and come up to visit her. Yes, Clay. You would love some of the frat activities Chrissy has been involved with. Clay wants to know where they stand and Chrissy’s all, “Well, I still really like you and we obviously have fun together, BUT…” and Clay’s all, “Yeah it would be stupid to throw away what we have…” and Chrissy’s like, “That’s what I’m saying too, it’s just so hard to be far away…” and Clay’s all, “Yeah there’s a lot of trust involved. What about seeing other people, ‘cause I’m not. Do you like any guys?” And Chrissy’s all, “I don’t like any one guy, I’ve just been meeting SO many people…” Poor Clay, this doesn’t sound good.

"So... uh... what now? Huh?"

The next day over in Santa Monica, Original Allie and Fatty find a picnic table of their own to assess their college situation so far. Here is Allie’s summation: “I really like it here. I’m having fun like, living up in Santa Monica like, and I like the fact that like, we’re so close to home but like, yet we’re like, far enough that I feel like I’m actually like, getting college experience.” Well said, Allie. Also, Allie has done the opposite of Mayor G-Thing, in that she has stepped up her looks a notch. She looks really cute with some darker tones woven into her hair and her crazy bangs pulled into a bobby pin. Fatty, however, is still platinum.

Very impressive, Allie!

These two are really glad to be away from the “small town” drama (it’s called high school, girls. Newport Beach isn’t exactly small), but they’re also excited to see everyone again at Chrissy’s party.

Clay is apparently not leaving all that early for Arizona because he has time to interrupt Mayor G-Thing’s front-yard-golf-swing-practice to rehash the beach house dinner. Mayor G-Thing chants, “Tiger, Tiger, Tiger Woods, y’all!” which pretty much says it all. Clay says that while he’s not ready to give up all together on Chrissy, she didn’t really make anything clear last night. Surprise, surprise, Mayor G-Thing doesn’t think Clay should be stressing over chicks during this, their senior year. Especially when he himself has no chicks to stress over. There’s still hope, though, when the Mayor learns that Chrissy will be bringing some “sorority ass” from Santa Barbara to her party tonight. Keep dreaming, Mayor G-Thing.

And the “sorority ass” is just now arriving at Chrissy’s house! I guess skinny jeans are the trend in Santa Barbara. The girls are all weirded out because it’s like they’re together all the time, but now here they are hanging out in this random place! (Chrissy’s house.) OMG! Of course the beach house dinner comes up and Chrissy shares with the girls that she and Clay didn’t really determine anything. That dinner accomplished nothing. They want to know if she can hook up with other guys – like Billy – but Chrissy has no idea. Look who’s here! It’s Sasha! Sasha, meet the girls, girls, meet Sasha. Time to shop! As the girls ride across on the Balboa Island ferry, Kylie becomes the female Mayor G-Thing, telling Chrissy that she really needs to keep her options open and not be tied down to a high school boy. She and Allie keep telling Chrissy that there may be a surprise in store and that it’s definitely good she’s going shopping so she can look good tonight. Oh gee, I wonder if there’s any way on earth that the surprise could possibly be… Billy? Very stealth, ladies.

Later as the party is about to start, Daddy wants to know who all will be coming over and Chrissy tells him just Kylie and Allie. Cut to hordes of kids coming up Chrissy’s front walk and then embracing in her kitchen. Taylor is here, still petting her long hair, and Mayor G-Thing is obviously trying to take this opportunity to comfort her in her time of loss and grieving over Chase. Kylie meanwhile, is bouncing all over introducing herself to everybody with Chase.

"Hi! I'm Taylor's replacement!"

Well! Who should be showing up on the doorstep right this minute? It’s BILLY and his entourage of bejeweled fraternity boys! Now who saw that coming? Billy keeps his hood on in a very Chase-like fashion statement, and I have to say that he looks to me like a smaller, more feminine version of Clay. Not so very exciting. But we haven’t gotten to know him yet, so I could be all wrong.

"Then after we herded the sheep, we came here."

Mayor G-Thing perks all up, ready to go into espionage mode for his brah. He immediately starts making fun of diamond earrings, but I don’t see them on Billy. Perhaps the entourage? Party goers like Taylor and Original Allie start speculating as to what is going on between Chrissy and Billy.

Kylie/Chase and Chrissy/Billy head out to the patio where Kylie decides that Chrissy and Billy need some alone time. They start making out in full view of Mayor G-Thing and Taylor, among other people, who are peering down over a balcony at them. Mayor G-Thing runs out to the pool to call Clay and leave him a message telling him all about Billy being there and that it’s obvious he and Chrissy have been hooking up. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but good for the Mayor! Poor Clay. How dumb is Chrissy to make out with Billy right in front of Clay’s best friend?

No. No they're not.

The next day Taylor and her friend Alex go shopping and discuss the party. Taylor thinks it was weird to see Chase and Alex is proud to report that she acted like she didn’t know him. Apparently Chase is up to his old games because he texted Taylor this very morning saying, “Good morning, babe.” Ew, I don’t like him! To be honest, I’m not a huge Kylie fan either. Taylor says Chase just wants to have his cake and eat it too. No way, Chase? They like, wonder what like, Clay is going to like, do about like, Chrissy. He’s way too hot to be in a relationship they decide.

Chrissy and Daddy take Bogey for a walk and have some “girlfriend time.” Chrissy wants to know what Daddy thought of Billy and Daddy says he was surprised to see Billy, but that he was a very nice girl – I mean gay – I mean guy. She spills the beans about kissing Billy and Daddy wonders if it’s time to be honest with Clay. But Chrissy still has feelings for Clay, Daddy! Talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Daddy just wants Chrissy to remember that she’s in college to get an education, not to have a drama-fest. Now off you go back to Santa Barbara. See you at Thanksgiving!

Where does Chrissy go to school again?

For our final scene Clay and Mayor G-Thing go surfing and commiserate. Mayor G-Thing describes the “sorority ass” as “not dime pieces, but maybe a five piece.” I must be older than death because I have no idea what he’s talking about. I do know, however, that dime or five pieces, Mayor G-Thing got none of it. Clay wants to hear about Timmy, Jimmy… no Billy, and is very offended when the diamond earrings come up. Chrissy may be leaving him for a guy who wears diamond earrings? I hear you, Clay. It’s insulting. Mayor G-Thing admits that he saw Chrissy and Billy making out and he thinks that next weekend they should head up to Santa Barbara so Clay can see the situation for himself. Clay looks so sad and just gives a depressed little nod.

"Dude you're right again. No more showers."

Then he gets a surge of courage and says, “Yeah, let’s do it! Let’s go to Santa Barbara! I need to see this for myself!” Why Clay! I’ve never seen you so determined and aggressive! It’s highly attractive!

Next week the Newport boys put their plan into action and crash a Billy Party in Santa Barbara. Kylie lets them in and is not so happy with this “surprise” which she did not orchestrate. Uh oh, Chrissy and Billy are kissing in plain sight again!

So like, what did you like, think of this like, renewal of our like, show? Are you happy to catch up with the kids?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta