Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Thankful to be Back on the Market in Newport Harbor

Clay bounces back.

Wow guys, sorry this one’s so late. Holidays, you know. And unlike the Newport Harbor kids, I was not home for the latest holiday. I was out of town for a few days, but now I’m back and ready to party! Let’s see what the kids have cooked up for us this week!

So we start out by joining Chrissy and a bunch of her sorority sisters sitting around the sorority house discussing how like, totally weird it’s going to be to like, not be together on Thanksgiving. It’s going to be so weird that they’ll all be calling each other every single night to check on what everyone is doing and make sure they can all breathe while in different cities. Allie 2 asks if Chrissy has talked to Clay since they broke up, which she hasn’t, and Kylie says it’s all good because Chrissy still has Billy. And then we learn that Billy has become good friends with Chase and the boys want to plan double dates and stuff to take the girls on, which Kylie is just so like, above. Anyway the underling girls of the sorority want to know about the Big Breakup, so Chrissy tells them it was depressing and now she doesn’t even want to go out when she’s home for Thanksgiving for fear of bumping into Clay.

What's the story, morning glory?
What's the word, humming bird?

Did you know that Newport Beach gets decked out like Candyland for Christmas? Well, it does. Mayor G-Thing must have allocated some tax money for all of the giant candy canes.

Re-elect Mayor G-Thing!

And speaking of the Mayor, he is arriving at Clay’s house right now to pump him for information. Clay has been thinking about the whole Santa Barbara experience and wants to know what Mayor G-Thing thinks of Billy. Surprise, surprise, Mayor G-Thing thinks Billy is a douche. He says that all of the kids up in Santa Barbara are just a different breed. That’s an interesting theory there, Mayor G-Thing. Not everyone is so fortunate as to be born and raised in Newport Beach along with your breed. Maybe Billy just can’t help being a douche. After all, who knows where he’s from? Clay says that he just hopes Billy treats Chrissy the way she deserves to be treated and I almost puke. How’s that? Like the manipulative spoiled brat she is? Mayor G-Thing wants Clay to move on and get over it, so to that end he has planned a barbecue/Jacuzzi session complete with “chicks” to help in Clay’s cause.

Let’s join up with two of our Newport Harbor hotties in the middle of their major pastime - grooming. Taylor and Alex have stopped in at a beauty supply store to get makeovers and gossip. As the makeup ladies dab brushes at the girls’ faces - clearly their makeup was finished long ago in an earlier take - Taylor reveals that Mayor G-Thing called her earlier and told her all the break up news.

"Just pretend. Don't smear my lip gloss."

Also, they seem to be the designated “chicks” for tonight’s barbecue, so they’re going in order to drool over Clay, who they are certain will have girls fighting over him now. Poor Mayor G-Thing. He’s had a crush on Taylor for a long, long time and now she’s going to attend his barbecue just so she can admire his buddy. HA!

Up in Santa Barbara Billy and Chase have put their lame-o double-date plan into action and are escorting Chrissy and Kylie to dinner. Chrissy makes appropriate dinner conversation, launching yet again into her breakup story - in front of the new guy she’s dating. Chase says it would never have worked because Clay lives two and a half hours away, which is precisely why he’s moving to Santa Barbara so that Kylie can have a fair shot with him. Chrissy says that college and high school are two different worlds - plus the kids in Santa Barbara are a totally different breed, you know.

Ah, the barbecue. G-Thing is pleased with himself for inviting “younger reinforcements” and announces that they will be hanging out with booty like tonight’s for the rest of the year. Yes, good luck with that, G-Thing. Do you think he realizes that the only reason these girls come around is to stare at Clay? Taylor arrives wearing a shirt from the future and as the girls get themselves a hamburger they whisper to each other about how cute Clay looks.

Taylor's shirt deflects nuclear radiation.

After they reaffirm that Clay and Chrissy are dunzo, G-Thing announces that it’s time to go to the hot tub. Then he says, “Clayboy! G-Bo needs a bathing suit!” I really don’t like him. He always refers to himself in the third person and by some retarded rapper-esque nickname. The girls strut in their swimsuits and Clay positions himself between them in the hot tub. He’ll never have the guts to do anything, I predict.

Back at dinner in Santa Barbara, Kylie is once again being an obnoxious instigator and asks Chrissy right in front of everyone what the deal is with her and Billy. Chrissy just goes, “We’re hangin’.” Chase jumps in and analyzes the relationship for himself, saying it’s not happening yet, but that they should take a cue from him and Kylie and just cruise. I had to visit again to figure out the whippersnapper lingo, and apparently cruising is equivalent to chilling. Interesting that Chase wants to make a big move to be near a girl he’s just cruising with. Besides, I’m pretty sure that Chrissy saying she and Billy are hangin’ means pretty much the same as cruising. Thanks for nothing, Chase.

It’s time for our weekly visit to Santa Monica to catch up with Original Allie and Fatty. They, too, are discussing the breakup. Sheesh, this is the talk of the town! Allie is dressed like a gypsy and trying to determine whether or not Clay is sad about the breakup.

Hey, Esmeralda!

She got the news from Mayor G-Thing, who didn’t let on that Clay is sad, but Allie suspects that he might be anyway. Good deductive reasoning, Allie. Fatty changes the subject and says that someone named Shawnsie is having a party. I start wondering if that is one of those names where the parents decided to combine their own names into one for their child. You know, like Sean and Susie named their child Shawnsie. Anyway, they decide the party will be fun and then they retire from the pool to go finish packing. Thanks for dropping in, girls!

And back up in Santa Barbara, Chrissy (sans sweatshirt) is bumping into Billy on campus and they discuss what they will be doing for Thanksgiving. It sounds like a bunch of cast members will be having dinner with Chrissy’s family, and Billy suggests that if she has time, she should come up to San Jose for the days following Thanksgiving. Ah, so San Jose is where the douches are bred. Got it. As usual, Billy is rushing off to class, so they kiss goodbye and Chrissy says she’ll let him know if she can come up to douche town.

"Yeah, so bring the cameras and come on up."

Later on we meet up with Chrissy and half the cast at her parents’ house for Thanksgiving. Mommy mentions that she’s been over a hot stove all night and everybody giggles, which causes me to wonder if this is actually Thanksgiving or if MTV has staged a “Thanksgiving Dinner” for everyone to sit around and advance the storyline. It’s actually quite a few people who don’t seem to mind ditching their families for the holiday. As everyone files into the dining room, Daddy announces, “We cooked all day for you,” as he smiles. Sketchy! It looks like Chase, Kylie, Allie 2 and Sasha are all here to feast with Chrissy’s family and as they sit down, Daddy wants to play that fun Thanksgiving game where you go around the table and say what you’re thankful for. The most interesting thing was from Sasha who is thankful to live in Newport Beach. Who wouldn’t be? After the game Daddy butts into business, as usual, and asks Kylie and Chase if they’re dating or what. Well, Kylie deserves this after all of her public questions.

"Oh gee, look at all this attention!"

Mommy announces that Chrissy has dubbed them “tweeners,” so I guess they’re in between being friends and being a couple. Wow, who cares? The “Shawnsie” party comes up and Chrissy once again announces that she’s afraid to go because she feels weird about running into Clay. Daddy asks if it’s over with Clay and Chrissy says it’s O-V-E, but not R. Can someone please stab a fork in my eye?

The next day Chase goes to the beach to eat something with Krutch, whom we met at prom last season. The topic of conversation is Shawnsie’s party. Of course it is. It was either Shawnsie’s party or Chrissy and Clay breaking up. Let’s see how long before that one comes up. It turns out that Chase can’t even go to the party because he is going down to San Diego with Kylie to meet her parents. Okay, that sounds like a barrel of laughs. The tweeners are having a parental meeting? Can this episode get any duller?

It looks like we have to have one more conversation before we can get to the party and this time it’s between Chrissy and Kylie and this one is also about the party. Basically Chrissy has decided to go even though she thinks it’s going to be weird to see Clay, blah, blah whatever. Then Kylie talks about bringing Chase to meet her parents and she makes it out to totally be Chase’s idea. Like he volunteered to go home with her just so he could meet her parents. That’s not exactly how Chase presented it to Krutch, but who knows with these two?

It’s finally time for the long-anticipated party. Here we learn that Shawnsie is actually Andrew Skjonsby, and everyone has been tricking me by using different pronunciations for his last name.

"Stop calling me Andy."

G-Thing and Clay are over for the pre-party and want to know which girls have been invited. Oh, you know, the usual: Original Allie, Fatty, Chrissy, some “Harbor Hotties,” and some out-of-towners. Well, this should give Clay a grand selection and should leave Mayor G-Thing with zero chance of anything, as usual.

We cut down to San Diego where Chase is arriving at Kylie’s house. When she answers the door she asks, “Are you ready for this?” What is it with her and that question? Like her life is so intense she’s not sure anyone can handle it? Guess what, Kylie. We’re ready. Chase presents Kylie’s mom, Tammy with flowers. Over dinner we learn that Chase is attending Orange Coast College, which is news to me. BUT, he announces (yet again) that he’s moving up to Santa Barbara. Tammy starts doing Chrissy’s Daddy’s song and dance about demanding to know if these two are serious or casual or what the story is. Kylie just says, “We’ll see.” I wonder how many more people we have to watch have this exact same conversation. As Kylie helps her mom clear the dishes, her dad asks Chase what he wants to do with his life and Chase, of course, has no idea. Mostly he’d like to go surfing tomorrow, but beyond that, it’s up in the air.

Back up at Skjonsby’s place, the party is underway. Original Allie is chatting with Clay, who tells her that it’s completely over with Chrissy. She playfully shoves him and tells him she doesn’t feel bad for him because he kicked her to the curb. Clay does his confused act.

"Wait. What did I do?"

Chrissy arrives in all her glory, wearing some tiny black dress and walking in like she owns the place. No one pays too much attention to her and Clay actually turns his back and walks away when she approaches to give Original Allie a hug. Good for you, Clay! You know every girl there would make out with you in a heartbeat. Sasha pulls Chrissy into the kitchen and asks if she’s okay. Chrissy says it’s just weird because they keep staring at each other and not talking. Yeah, either that, or Clay is busy ignoring you and you don’t like it.

"But I'm the center of the universe."

Sasha reminds Chrissy that she is the one who broke up with Clay and now he’s allowed to flirt. A couple of weeks later Chrissy voices over that she’s regretting it, but we’re supposed to think she said it right then. Sasha offers to leave if Chrissy wants to, which she does. Clay watches her go while Taylor tells him to relax and have fun.

In San Diego Chase and Kylie are evaluating the parental dinner and Kylie tells Chase that next time someone asks him why he’s moving to Santa Barbara the answer is supposed to be “skimming,” which I think is referring to skim boarding, one of Chase’s many cerebral hobbies. See, Kylie doesn’t want anyone thinking Chase is making the move for her because then she might actually be obligated to him.

Does anyone actually like her?

The next morning Chrissy comes out to watch her Daddy pretend to clean the pool for the cameras so that they can gossip about Skjonsby’s party. Chrissy tells Daddy that it was awkward because she didn’t talk to Clay, she just had to watch him flirt with other girls and it made her realize she’s not completely over him. Daddy wants to know what about Billy. Chrissy says she still likes Billy too, so why can’t she have both? Why can’t they both just accept the fact that there are two guys in her life and be happy for her? They are so selfish. Actually, all she says is that she misses Clay and Daddy tells her that whatever is meant to be will work out. Wow, that’s deep. Chrissy goes inside to gaze at a framed picture of her and Clay at prom and to pout.

Next week Chrissy schemes with Sasha to figure out how to “make Clay fall in love all over again,” and Kylie tells Chase she doesn’t want anything serious. Sounds like more of the same, but you’d better believe I’ll be there!

So what did you think about tonight? All the repeated conversations?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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