Jersey Shore: One Last STD

So here we are in our final hour of this Jersey Shore nonsense. I hope I can get all the way through it, cause I’m telling you guys... this season has draaaaaaaaaaagggged. I miss the episodes where I was cracking up over two thirds of the scenes and one-liners and things happened I could get behind. The last few episodes have pretty much been incoherent torture.

Exhibit A

Mid-action: Ronnie hears from Arvin on the phone that he and Sammi have made out in the past, so Ronnie shoves the phone back to Mike and plows through the kitchen out onto the patio muttering “biggest liar I ever met in my life!” Sammi’s on the patio and Ronnie demands to know how many times she made out with Arvin. Sammi storms to the phone and asks Arvin why he’s causing trouble for her because it was never “like that” between them. Arvin’s on the other end going, “Sammi, you know we’ve made out.” And Sammi keeps insisting they haven’t.

"That was just for pretend, Arvin! Pretend!"

It’s pretty clear that Sammi made out with Arvin at some point, so she’s really just making a bigger and bigger ass of herself by denying it instead of just stating the obvious: that it doesn’t effing mattter. Of course through all of this, Mike is pacing all around the living room with his loud obnoxious (and irrelevant) commentary. Ronnie again retreats like a wounded bear. Poor, poor Ronnie... Negative.

"If I kick her teeth out now there will be witnesses..."

Meanwhile it’s time for the final roommies Sunday dinner and they discuss a barbecue that Danny is throwing for them tomorrow to which they all get to bring a couple of guests. After dinner Ronnie goes back to the patio to pout and Sammi comes out to test the waters. Ronnie asks her to tell him the truth about Arvin, so she finally admits that they made out a few years ago. Oh and she’s sorry she lied about it. What is the matter with her? I’m throwing my hands up as I type. I can’t honestly believe we’re spending more time on this. But Ronnie tells her now she’s really messed up, so she can either fix it or walk away. Ronnie tells us Sammi has a lot to prove to him. Can’t wait.

"If I drink your blood will you believe that I love you?"

The next day Ronnie, Vinny and Snooki have their final shift at the t-shirt store. Ronnie wears a shirt that says “Rush” on it, which is a competing t-shirt store down the boardwalk. Wow, Ronnie’s clever subversiveness is extremely impressive. Danny literally tears the shirt off of Ronnie’s body and makes him put on the correct shirt.

"Let's take a look at those glistening abs."

Then Ronnie defiantly lies on the counter and takes a nap through the entire shift. He says he’s not going to work on his last day, but I can’t imagine this is different than any other day.

Later everyone’s getting ready for the barbecue and when they get there we get to meet some friends from home. Pauly D has a couple of DJ friends come, Vinny has Uncle Nino, Jwoww has Roger and her dad, Snooki has some girl named Danielle, and Deena has a girl named Lisa. Pauly D DJs and Ronnie does his seizure-dance. Deena grinds up against Uncle Nino and there is even a pinata.

Just pretend it's Tom's head.

Then the drama begins. Vinny has set his sights on Deena’s friend Lisa because he’s gotten it into his head that he’s much more desirable than he actually will ever be. Luckily for him, Lisa seems like a very stupid girl and is beyond flattered that Vinny wants to bang her. Deena tries to tell her friend that Snooki likes Vinny so to back off. When Lisa goes to Snooki, Snooki’s like, “whatever.” It’s just another night and she’s very used to Vinny’s amorous adventures. Deena still isn’t having it, which makes Vinny and Lisa more determined than ever to get together. Vinny is furious and calls Deena a cockblock and makes a huge scene about it all over the party. Deena’s like, “Please just don’t bang my best friend!” And Vinny is like, “You suck and you’re a cockblock.” This is so stupid. Can’t Vinny keep it in his pants for one night when his roommate is asking him to? On the other hand, if Deena’s friend is that anxious to get herself used, I’d say go ahead and enjoy your herpes.

"Please, Deena! Please let your friend give me a disease!"

Elsewhere, Sammi wants to know if Ronnie and Mike are friends because she hates Mike. When Ronnie says yes, he’s friends with Mike, Sammi says she can’t be okay with Ronnie then. Ronnie’s like fine, whatever. I love how when Ronnie is shredding Sammi’s clothes he wants everyone to butt out and mind their own business, but when Mike is calling Sammi out on something, Ronnie wants him as involved as possible.

Back at home Vinny is having a pity party and giving Deena the cold shoulder. When Deena wants to know why, Vinny says that he thought Deena wasn’t Angelina. Ooooh, them’s fightin’ words. Angelina WAS a huge cockblock, but this is slightly different. It IS Deena’s good friend in question. Pauly D suggests that Deena and Vinny duke it out and he’ll go cuddle with Lisa. At this, Lisa looks like she’s just been crowned Miss America. Congrats, honey, the two least selective man-whores on the planet propositioned you. You must be so proud. Deena takes Lisa into her bedroom to go to sleep and Lisa sits her down to explain why she’s being called Angelina. Geez, if it’s this important to Lisa to catch an STD, why stand in her way? Pauly D concludes that Deena is jealous. Of course, there’s no other possible explanation.

The next morning Mike apologizes to Sammi for butting in to her business. Where did THAT come from? Sammi apologizes back but tells us she still doesn’t trust him.

"Sorry you're a huge douchebag, Mike."

Meanwhile Vinny is giving Deena the silent treatment. I’m sure all this acting like a 6-year-old is making him all the more attractive to Lisa. Actually it probably is because she just keeps taking it as a huge compliment to herself. Finally Lisa leaves, so maybe we can have some peace.

"Hopefully when he gets out of timeout he'll remember I'm a walking holiday."

The roommies all head to Rivoli’s for a huge dinner and there’s still a lot of tension in the air because Vinny is still pouting and Deena feels bad. Then Deena decides to give a toast and thank everyone for welcoming her into the group and having a great summer. Everyone clinks glasses. Vinny sulks.

"I wanted to show that girl my new earrings."

Back at home everyone transitions into club gear. Snooki is in a skirt that barely covers her crotch and she starts doing cartwheels. When Pauly D tells her her kooka is in plain view she goes to the mirror, turns around, bends over and shakes her butt. Sure enough, you can see her crotch. She shrugs and walks away. It’s their last night at Karma so she might as well let it all hang out. This, ladies and gentlemen, is America’s celebrity du jour. And at Karma, Roger has come to celebrate Jwoww’s last night in Seaside and he wants to know what’s going to happen now that Jwoww is headed back to Long Island. He tells her he would like to keep seeing her and even go steady. Jwoww is all aflutter and accepts his offer. Awwww. So still no single Jwoww.

"Are you going to ask me to Prom too?"

What she does is to go and tell Snooki that Roger just asked her to be his girlfriend. Snooki and Deena act like Jwoww just got engaged. The scream and jump around and hug her. That’s sweet, but it’s so hilariously high school.

Elsewhere at Karma Deena spots a guy friend of hers named Chris and when she goes to dance with him she falls flat on her butt. Have another one, Deena! You’re a blast in a glass! Snooki finds Not-Pauly D, the guy who she boinked for putting a bandaid on her knee and she grabs him and takes him back to the house immediately. He sits on the couch while Snooki makes him a grilled cheese sandwich and guess what he’s wearing. A t-shirt from Rush! Take that, Danny!

Please no one rip this one off his body.

He yells orders to Snooki about his grilled cheese and she finally says, “Relax, Princess Diana!” Ha ha ha. To the smoosh room! Snooki is thrilled that Not-PaulyD is wasted because it means he’ll last longer. That is so romantic.

Back at Karma some guys Sammi knows are there and say hi to her, so Ronnie is having a bad night and tells her to take off when she tries to talk to him. Everyone rounds up someone easy to take home - except for Ronnie and Sammi who drunkenly argue all the way home. Ronnie finally walks away and leaves Sammi to walk the rest of the way home alone. She must be traumatized! Once they get home Jwoww tries to help Roger call out of work the next day and she ends up yelling drunkenly into the duck phone at Roger’s boss’s voicemail. Thanks, Jwoww! Sammi is insulted when Ronnie doesn’t want to sleep with her, so they have a screaming match in the upstairs bathroom. It’s been done to death. Sammi sobs, Ronnie cries like a little bitch. It’s nothing new. Everyone is beyond wasted, but Deena tries to make amends with Vinny by making him a grilled cheese sandwich, which he accepts. Feel the love at the Shore House!

The next morning Roger is off to see if he can salvage his employment and Jwoww is thrilled to wake up officially committed to Roger. Meanwhile her poof dog is taking a gigantic crap on the floor. Danny’s going to have to burn this place down and start over if he ever wants to rent it out again. Upstairs Ronnie is busy telling Sammi how much he’s had to put up with during this stay at the Jersey Shore. Sheesh, I mean, does Sammi think it was easy to pick up her entire bed and shove it out onto the balcony? Ronnie’s been through so much! Sammi apologizes and says he’s her best friend. Yeah, my best friend routinely demolishes my belongings too. Ronnie wants to know why Sammi doesn’t show him that she loves him. He’s a very wounded soul, you know. He tells Sammi his heart is broken. Sammi kind of shrugs that she’s not very affectionate, but she wants to know if they’re together or single. Ronnie says he needs his space. Sammi goes, “So single?” Ronnie gets up to walk away and Sammi goes, “So this is over?” This is always what she does. Gives him 500 chances to not break up with her and he does every time anyway. For five minutes at least.

"Really right now? We're single? That's it? You're walking away? You're done?"

Mike makes breakfast while Jwoww’s other dog craps on the floor, then everyone packs up and gets ready to leave.

"Another summa, another disease, another wrecked house..."

I’d be sad, except I’m so not. Sammi is first out the door, followed by Ronnie. It’s interesting that they’re all getting into BMW’s this time when they drive away. Sammi says she’s alone and it’s not a good feeling. Don’t worry, Sam. You’ll be back in your abusive relationship before sundown. Vinny leaves next and he’s actually nice to Deena. He tells us once again that he and Snooki are cuddle buddies and it might get serious one day. Yawn. Mike is up to leave and no one cares. Jwoww talks about leaving her awful boyfriend and finding a new one, and how the shore house is her home. She and Snooki embrace and cry. Pauly D goes and is actually nice to Deena and Snooki when he leaves. Then Snooki and Deena toss their luggage down the stairs before piling it into Snooki’s car. Snooki tells us that she’s going to be the President and Deena’s going to be the Vice President. This will mean that “the economy would rise, everyone would be tan, and all the radios will play house music.” Lofty aspirations there, Snooks. Now get outta here!

And that’s it! Rumor has it that this same gang will be back for Season 4 in freaking Italy. Great, that will make America proud... as if this show hasn’t done enough for our national pride as it is. I don’t know how interested I am in yet another season of these idiots’ antics. I’m not sure a change of scenery is enough of a change to hold anyone’s interest. But this show keeps getting huge ratings, so what do I know? What say y’all?

Thanks for hanging out with me for another season, guys! The best part about doing these recaps is reading what you have to say about the whole mess. It keeps me entertained for days! So don’t be afraid to HOLLA!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Jersey Shore: Your Mom's Drunk Dialing

Well, it seems there is no mercy in the universe because Rammi are still at each other’s throats and it looks like that’s all we get to watch.

Just kill us. Please.

Sammi suddenly changes her tactic from “deny everything” to “I know what I did wrong.” She says she’s sorry she hit Arvin up and Ronnie goes, “So if a girl showed up looking for me...” and Sammi finishes, “I would kill her!” Okay, I am ashamed that I was kind of defending her at the end of the last episode. I didn’t realize this was all a highly calculated move to create this exact response. I made the mistake of giving her the benefit of the doubt and thinking the texts to Arvin may have been meant as a step away from Ronnie. Why is she even crying then? She succeeded. Mission accomplished.

Next there is a scene where Snooki and Deena are kicking an empty box around, then Deena tries to fit inside of it and gets stuck. And that’s all I have to say about that.

No comment.

Rammi are still at it and Ronnie tells us he’s not even sure if he loves Sam at this point. Well wouldn’t that just be a tragedy?

Love or hate... it all looks like this.

The next day Snooki, Deena and Sammi are off to be a thorn in Danny’s side and we find out that it’s Deena’s last day of employment. Which means this season is almost ready to put itself out of its misery. And not a moment too soon. Deena’s completely uninterested in doing any work, as usual, and she just wants to make clothes for herself. I’m guessing that means sweat pants that say “shore whore” on the butt or something equally classy.

And in other classy news, Vinny offers to take Snooki out to lunch at some place where they can make their own hamburgers. I’m sure this is meant to stoke our interest in whether these two idiots are going to ever get together as a couple, but I could really care less.

Anyone interested? Didn't think so.

They’re both continually doinking anyone and everyone, so is a hamburger really going to seal any kind of deal? At the restaurant Snooki spots beer battered onion rings on the menu and asks the waitress if that means the onion rings come served in beer. The waitress awesomely tells her yes and Snooki believes it. She orders herself what she expects to be beer onion soup. Vinny wants to chit chat with Snooki about the girls he and Pauly D banged last night. When Snooki tells Vinny his girl was gross, he tells her that they’re in Seaside so the girls aren’t always going to be “dimes.” And now Snooki is all hurt because Vinny, once again, will bang everyone except her. Vinny tells us that he apologizes when he hurts Snooki’s feelings because those other girls aren’t really important but Snooki is. He also says it’s possible that he and Snooki will eventually get serious. Ugh, please don’t.

Some other time all of the guy roommies are at the Shore Store and they decide it’s time that Vinny got his ears pierced. They all have their ears pierced except for him. So I guess last week it was spray tanning and this week it’s ear piercing. Vinny’s transformation into total douchebag continues. Now, I’ve never claimed to be attracted to the guido type, but I honestly do not see the allure of a guy with both ears pierced. Or even one. It seems so prissy to me. Danny comes over to Vinny with alcohol swabs and the piercing gun and Vinny almost craps his pants. I guess these earrings are going to prove what a tough guy he is, even though getting them is causing him to shriek like a 4-year-old girl.

I guess Mike went to get Vinny a diaper.

Once the studs are finally in, Vinny tells us he took it like a G and didn’t even flinch. We must have been watching different footage then, Vinny. Wipe your tears. Pauly D tells him he looks fresh to death and Vinny totally believes him. He starts walking different and tilting his hat just so. Yep, he’s a douchebag at last.

Later the gang is all getting ready to go out. Ronnie asks Sammi if she wants to go and her answer is: “Do you?” Ronnie says he just wants to get some wine and stay in, so Sammi goes, “Yeah I want to do that.” Good night!

Deena emerges in some ridiculous denim outfit that looks like it was meant for a 10-year-old, judging by how tight it is on her, and Pauly D starts making cracks about Deena’s favorite part of Mario Brothers being the part where it goes, “Denim, denim, denim,” to the tune of the video game. The funny part here is that the producers actually added in video game sound effects.

"It's my Goomba outfit, you jerk off!"

Deena’s pissed and I don’t blame her. Yes, she looks ridiculous, but all the girls in the house go out dressed up like clown whores on a regular basis, so there’s no real reason to specifically target her. Pauly D tells us he doesn’t think denim is in anymore. I don’t know if it’s in anymore to get your own name tattooed across your lower back, Pauly D, but to each his own.

And at Aztec, Vinny walks right up to some girls and tells them he’s looking for hot girls to dance with, implying that it’s not them. I’d rip those stupid earrings out of his earlobes with my fingernails. And oh, look who is back to torture everyone and embarrass herself. It’s Danielle!

"I'm going to eat your soul, Pauly."

She asks Pauly D if he’s done with his grenades and he goes, “Nope.” Then she sends one of her friends over to Pauly D with a message. I remember she did this before and it’s so 7th grade. The friend says that Danielle wants to come over to the house and Pauly’s like, “No.” Then Danielle comes back to him and asks him if he wants her to punch him. Pauly D goes, “Do what you gotta do.” Wow, I guess Danielle is officially off the docket.

And back home Rammi is following through with their plan to stay in and drink wine. Which has become Sammi watching Ronnie eat a hamburger while she tries again to apologize and he just keeps asking her to pass condiments like the wounded victim that he is.

"Pass the mustard and shut your shady face!"

He tells us now he has a taste of how Sammi felt in Miami. Sammi leans all over Ronnie whispering, “I’m sorry. I miss you. Please beat me with a baseball bat.” They end up banging in the smoosh room.

Vinny and Pauly D are having misadventures at Aztec because it looks like there are a lot of larger, older women there who think it’s hilarious to get in their faces and hit on them. And it is kind of hilarious.

It's this or Danielle, Pauly D.

When they’re finally fed up, they find the two least offensive looking girls (who seem about on par with the girls they always bring home) and take them home to see what happens. While they’re sipping their after-party drinks in the living room, suddenly there is a knock at the door and it’s the brother of one of the girls. Unlike the entourage of uncles and cousins who took a girl away from Vinny before, this brother just wants to know how the girls are going to get home. He says he can take them home tonight, or come back for them in the morning. Pauly D pipes up and asks if the brother can take Pauly D’s girl home right now and come back in the morning for the other girl. Ouch.

"Yo, I'm very particular about whos I bang."

The girl calls him a dick and says she’d rather sleep with Mike anyway, then Vinny’s had enough and tells the brother to take both the girls and leave. Pauly D’s girl goes, “I just want to say...” and Deena goes, “I think it’s better if you don’t say anything at all.” Geez! What’s with all the hostility? These girls are seriously no worse than any girls they’ve dragged home before. Did they not drink as much tonight? Anyway, Vinny gets in the brother’s face and says, “There’s the door right there!” And shoos everyone out. This prompts the roommates to comment once again on how Vinny’s earrings have changed him. Oh brother. It reminds me of Jem. Remember Jem? By day she was the mild mannered Jerrica, but when she touched her earrings her computer, Synergy, turned her into Jem the rockstar? I guess Vinny has magic earrings too. Here’s a visual:

"Showtime, Synergy!"

And now that the stranger-bimbos have left the building, Vinny grabs Snooki and starts dragging her to his room, saying, “All right come on, Snooki.” And Snooki is pissed. After storming around the house for a minute she tells us, “I’m not anybody’s last resort. I’m somebody’s first priority.” Oh really? Whose? Still, though, Vinny is being a creep. He keeps following Snooki around trying to say he was kidding and Snooki keeps telling him to leave her alone.

"Snooki, didn't you see my mighty earrings?"

They both complain to us about when one of them is ready and willing, the other one never is. Yes, it’s just such a star-crossed romance of epic proportions. Snooki finally stomps off into her room and Vinny and Sammi have a rapping battle. It’s too pathetic for words. When Vinny raps something about Sammi being the sneakiest bitch you’ll ever meet, Sammi gets all pissy and says she’s done. I’m so surprised that Sammi is a bad sport.

The next day Mike, Pauly D and Jwoww have their final shifts at the Shore Store, but all Mike wants to do is sleep and he keeps finding places where he can catch some shut-eye. You know, it’s really too bad what a joke this job has become because it would be so awesome to see Danny fire Mike’s lazy butt and force him to get out of our faces. Danny eventually finds him snoozing in a changing room, but really, what power does he have?

Sadly this behavior brought in more business than 20 regular employees.

Back home, Sammi discovers that she accidentally slept in her contacts and is now physically blind. Well, that’s cool. She’s been mentally and emotionally blind since day one of the series, so at least now her body has caught up. Ronnie takes her to the doctor and while they’re gone Deena gets a charming phone call from Ronnie’s mom, Connie. When Deena offers to let Ronnie know that Connie called, Connie goes, “I love you!” in a total baby voice. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Connie is bombed. Deena is hilarious. She’s like, “Oh okay,” and keeps trying to be polite, but you can tell she has no idea what to do.

"So Ronnie should be home any minute..."

Connie starts telling Deena how tan she is. Like an Indian, she says. Deena hands Jwoww the phone and Connie starts talking to Jwoww about how bad Ronnie messed up in Miami.

"Yeah, we all think Ronnie's a douchebag."

Jwoww and Deena decide to hand this mess over to Mike, so Mike takes the phone and totally gets involved in the conversation, telling Connie all about how Sammi made plans to meet up with Arvin, so she’s no innocent bystander. That seems useful.

When Rammi get home, Jwoww goes up to Ron and says, “Two things. PLEASE clean that bathroom upstairs, and two, your mom’s drunk dialing all day.” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!! That’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard! Can you imagine? Just then Connie calls back so they hand Ron the phone. Mike brags that he had a half-hour conversation with Connie, which makes Sammi super nervous. Ron’s on the phone going, “You’re embarrassing me, and you’re embarrassing yourself.” HA! And Jwoww tells Sammi that Mike told Connie everything about Arvin. Sammi’s talking a big game about punching Mike in the face, but of course she’s not going to do anything except try to get Ron mad at Mike. And Ron’s finally had enough and hangs up on his mom.

The guys and Jwoww congregate on the patio to try to get to the bottom of what is up with Sammi and Arvin. Mike is on a soapbox, wildly gesticulating and making extreme faces while insisting that Sammi used to “sweat” Arvin and considers him her back up in case things don’t work out with Ron.

"One word, three syllables: Shady bitch!"

Jwoww asks if they can’t just be even since Ron was such a douche in Miami, but here Ron says he’s already admitted to that so it doesn’t count anymore. The guys back him up on this, saying they should have started fresh here in Jersey since Ron admitted what he did. That’s not quite how I remember it. Didn’t everything come out when Sammi saw the Miami episodes? I love, too, how Ron is always innocent if he admits something. Such crap. So now the guys have worked themselves into a frenzy about just how badly Ronnie has been treated while he was crying, sending Sammi flowers, and might I add, sifting through the remains of all her possessions he destroyed. But none of that matters; he admitted what he did.

Sammi comes storming out to the patio demanding to know what Mike’s saying and why he’s getting involved in her business. As the insults fly, Mike tells Sam she’s the “worst argument person ever.” Good one, Mike.

"Well, you're the worst... Jersey Shore person ever!"

Sammi tells us that she and Ronnie are happy and Mike’s going to ruin them. Riiiiight. Mike comes up with a plan to call Arvin and let him say his peace without interruption and then Sammi can dispute it if she wants. So as this plan gets put into place the guys keep egging Ronnie on, saying how sketchy it is that Sammi has this “friend” who Ronnie didn’t know about. And Ronnie was always out in the open when he was messing around (not true).

The girls rally around Sammi, saying they would have all done the same thing, which is hit up a hot guy to show up when they know their ex will be there. Oh, is Arvin hot? I’d call that a fail. Anyway Mike’s calling Arvin and Arvin’s saying that he and Sammi used to hang out a lot and they’ve made out. Ronnie takes the phone and asks if Arvin and Sam have hooked up. He says no, but they’ve made out. Ron looks around madly for Sammi’s glasses so he can smash them again.

Next week! It’s the finale! Thank goodness! Vomit much? Any of you who are still hanging in there with me? I salute you!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Jersey Shore: Do the Dip

Here we go with another week in the House of Crap.

"Bird excrement is really good for acne."

We start off with Vinny and Pauly D taking a mini road trip together to Staten Island to visit Vinny’s family. Pauly D has never been to Staten Island and is surprised to learn that it is an actual island, and not just a clever name for a neighborhood. I guess he’s from Rhode Island, which isn’t an island, right? At the shore house Ronnie is tagging along with the girls to get their nails done. Apparently he figures that becoming Sammi’s puppy is the best way to win back her trust. Of course, he’s right.

And speaking of puppies, Mike wakes up and finds himself alone in the house with the dogs, so he lets them out, feeds them all kinds of crap, like peanut butter, pizza from the garbage, chips and marshmallow fluff. All of this causes the dogs to befoul the house multiple times over. What a prick. This isn’t even kind of funny or amusing - it’s just disgusting and mean-spirited. Mike has completely lost my goodwill.

Total douchebag.

Vinny and Pauly D arrive at Vinny’s mom’s house, where an army of Vinny’s extended family members are waiting to greet them. Vinny’s uncles give Pauly D crap about his hair and then of course, everyone sits down to eat.

"Don't pick that up yourself, Pauly. My mom will feed you."

Except for Vinny’s mom, who is hovering nearby, serving everyone and watching for a chance to jump in and literally spoon feed Vinny. Vinny’s mom is adorable, but all of this coddling has raised her a little Peter Pan. Vinny’s freaking useless. And apparently the guys only stopped off to eat because as soon as dinner is over, they hug everyone goodbye and pack back into the car.

When the girls (including Ronnie) get home from their manicures they realize that the house smells like dog poop - I guess more than usual. Jwoww goes around picking up what she can, but these dogs peed all over various rugs as well. Deena smells one of the dogs and realizes it smells like Mike’s cologne, so Mike must be the one responsible for this mess. When confronted, Mike lies and says he was asleep the whole time. That’s lovely. I am SO over the poop scenes. I really can’t tune in week after week just to stare at poop.

Later the whole gang heads to - where else? - Karma. Don’t you kind of feel like these episodes are interchangeable? Snooki corners some loser who she says looks just like Pauly D. He has the same hairdo, but that’s it. Well, Snooki is delighted to discover that Not-Pauly meets her extremely high standards of reproduction. His last name ends in a vowel. Discerning, this one. And you know that only counts when she feels like it.

Ugh, to the chagrin of the entire planet earth, Ronnie and Sammi are making out.

Beware the herp.

Sammi accuses him of being drunk (so?) and tells him to kiss her when she’s sober (cause that’ll be so different?). Then on the walk home after Snooki falls and scrapes her knee, Ronnie and Sammi embark on one of their notorious “define the relationship” talks. Sammi’s like, “What did I do to you?” Ronnie says she walked out on him. Yeah, after you DESTROYED HER PROPERTY! Is that what Sammi reminds him? No, instead she says, “Why didn’t you come after me?” Um, because he was busy throwing your mattress over the balcony? She has classic battered woman syndrome. How can you feel bad for someone who keeps running back for more? At home Not-Pauly puts a bandaid on Snooki’s knee so she rewards him with a boink. Stellar. At least Sammi has the sense to sleep downstairs without Ronnie.

"What's taking so long? Let's get it in!"

Well, hold onto your hats because the huge breaking news of the next day is that Vinny is getting a spray tan. Whoop-de-doo. He’s such a goofball - he poses and flexes while some poor girl sprays him down.

Unveiling the guido beneath.

On the way home from tanning Jwoww sees Roger’s car and honks at him. He doesn’t notice. She pulls up alongside him and looks over, but the windows are tinted nearly black, so no one can see anything. Instead of rolling down a window and waving hello, Roger zig zags through traffic and speeds away from them. The guidos call this “doing the dip.” The guys all say Roger must have a girl in the car with him and Jwoww laughs, but you can tell she’s pissed.

"It's hilarious when guys try desperately to escape from me!"

Sammi ever-so-helpfully says that what Roger did is totally suspicious. Thank you, Queen of Dysfunction. Jwoww says she has a call to make when they get home so as soon as they pull in the driveway Sammi is all up her butt saying, “Do it now! Don’t wait until he’s in the shower or something!” OMG, Sammi, SHUT UP. You give more advice than Ann Landers yet you can barely clip in your own hair extensions. Deal with your own disaster of a life, would you? Never to fear, however because Jwoww marches right to the phone, calls Roger, gets his voicemail, but tells him she saw him “do the dip,” and that her roommate said he had a girl in the car. So she’s done for now and he can call if he wants to explain himself. Click. Sammi? That is how it’s done. The roommates look on in horror, thinking Jwoww may have gone overboard, but it looks like she doesn’t like having the dip did to her, mkay?

Vinny and Pauly D have grilled some meat for everyone and over dinner various theories are put forth as to why Roger may have done the dip. Suddenly Sammi seems all reasonable, saying she doesn’t think there was a girl in the car, but she can’t understand why Roger was in such a hurry. Suddenly Jwoww remembers that Roger had a barber appointment at 6 or 7, then Ronnie pipes up that he probably didn’t answer the phone because he was getting a haircut. Here is the aha moment.

"Oooooooooooohhhhh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge."

Vinny goes, “Roger if you don’t call me back you’ll get your ass beat, if you don’t call me back you’ll get your ass beat, if you don’t call me back you’ll get your ass beat!” HA! Remember when Jwoww said that to Angelina?

Later the girls decide to launch a water balloon attack on the guys, then the guys retaliate. The only parts of this worth mentioning are that Deena, while wearing protective plastic, slips and falls on her butt in the kitchen. Also? Vinny doesn’t want to get wet because of his new spray tan.

The battle is interrupted by a call from Roger wanting to know what the hell Jwoww’s message was all about. She’s really embarrassed and tries to explain that her roommates thought they saw a girl in his car and then he sped away so she didn’t know what to think. He asks if she’s trying to start up crap where there is none and she says she’s really sorry.

"We'll look back at this and laugh, right?"

He tells her to give him some room to breathe and that’s that. Jwoww tells us she’s really developing feelings for “the kid.”

The next day Rammi has yet another “define the relationship” talk and of course Ronnie thinks they should get back together because they love each other so much.

"Are you going to pay for my new glasses? No? Okay let's get married."

Sammi really likes the person Ronnie has been this week (it’s nice to have a puppy), but she’s scared to get all into a relationship again. They decide to define it as “working things out.” That’s just GREAT.

Snooki and Jwoww pull Sammi outside and want to know wtf she’s thinking. She’s like, oh he’s changed and I really love him, but I’m still gonna be fun and sleep in your room. Jwoww shares her doubts with us. “Same sh*t, different toilet with Ron and Sam.” Truer words were never spoken. And at least it’s not the clogged toilet, so that’s something.

Today the whole gang is going to Jenkinson’s, or Jenk’s, which is like Seaside Heights #2. A carnival atmosphere boardwalk. The boys go to the batting cages while the girls get their drink on and flirt with the local assortment of gorilla juiceheads. Much to the girls’ dismay, however, the Jenk’s gorillas only look good from afar, but as seen up close are in fact “jacked hideous.” Basically they’re all butterfaces.

Rammi visits the Jenk’s aquarium, where one of the staff brings an ADORABLE penguin out to visit the crowd.

"Who are those orange idiots?"

The crowd must be mostly small children because the lady asks, “boys and girls, what kind of an animal is a penguin?” Rammi put their heads together and come up with their best guess: a mammal. HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Even the preschoolers know that the penguin is a bird.

Back home, Snooki’s cheek has broken out in zits, so Mike yanks out his cosmetics kit and gives her a mask. Somehow Snooki has never had a facial mask before and is mystified by this new experience. Vinny and Pauly D are just amused and give her commands to mime things like pulling a rope, being in a glass box, and jerking them off, hardy har.

Trapped in Snooki's box. A common condition in Seaside.

Later that night, you guessed it, it’s back to Karma. Mike runs into a friend of his named Arvin, who asks him right away where Sammi is. Ever intrigued, and ever the instigator, Mike wants to know what’s up with Arvin and Sammi. The story is that Sammi has been texting Arvin and told him to meet up with her tonight here at Karma. And Arvin has the tell-tale texts to prove it. AND Sammi has been texting him since the moment she left the house for her break. Mike acts like it’s Christmas morning with this new information he is going to use to be important in the house. My question is: so the f what? Sammi told Ronnie they were through, so can’t she text anyone she wants? To the camera Mike says, “Sammi, I caught you, you sneaky bitch.” Ew he is pathetic and revolting. I’m no fan of Sammi, heaven knows, but this seems like such a non-issue and Mike is just so desperate to have his ugly nose in the middle of something. He grabs Jwoww as a witness and stands there while she goes over all of the texts in Arvin’s phone. Jwoww sees it and they both decide to tell ALL the other roommates immediately.

"So Sammi's a whore!"

Mike does a dance of glee while each person reacts. Okay, so when Rammi were TOGETHER and Ronnie was shoving his tongue down girls’ throats willy nilly, it was a huge hush-hush secret and no one could tell Sammi because that would be upsetting and violate some sort of code. But when they’re BROKEN UP and Sammi has sent text messages to a guy, THIS is a cause for an international emergency? What an effed up double standard. By every last one of them. Mike is coming out of his skin, he’s so anxious to tell Ronnie about the texts. Snooki volunteers to go talk to Sammi about it. Sammi denies it, which may be dumb of her since the physical evidence is right there. Why doesn’t she just own it and tell everyone to screw themselves? She does, however, admit that Arvin is her friend from home. Okay, then why didn’t she just say as much in the first place? Yes, Arvin’s my friend and I told him to come say hi tonight. Big whoop. She marches up to Arvin and tells him they’re just friends and he’s like, “So?”

"Does that mean we're not going to bang then?"

And by now Ronnie is all worked up into his usual bout of roid rage and wanting to lock himself in the Karma bathroom. He screams at Sammi that they’re done and that he could have brought home the hottest girl in the club the other night (likely story), but he didn’t because he’s so loyal to Sam. Sammi rejoins the girls and Mike walks up with a huge grin on his face. Sammi yells “Goodbye!” at him and, while still beaming, he shrugs and says, “you got caught.” He is SUCH a dick.

At home, Ronnie face plants onto his bed to pout and Mike defends himself at the top of his lungs to Vinny and Pauly D about how he was just trying to be a good citizen. The guys discuss how they always thought Ronnie was in the wrong, but come to find out Sammi is just as bad. The girls haven’t arrived home yet and the funniest part of the whole episode is that Pauly D LITERALLY pops himself some popcorn and settles in on the couch to watch everything unfold. Vinny joins him in their front row seats and they wait.

"3... 2... 1... popcorn!"

The first showdown is between Sammi and Mike over who is the shadiest and why. Eventually Ronnie jumps in to take Mike’s side and accuse Sammi of being a shady whore. Pretty soon Ronnie is screaming about how he sat home crying while Sammi was texting some other guy and Sammi gets up and goes into the girls’ room. All the roommates reinforce Mike, saying he’s not wrong. Where was this attitude when Ronnie was whoring himself all over Miami? Also, Ron has followed Sammi into the bedroom and cornered her so she has to stand there and listen to all the bad things he wants to say to her. Pauly D vows to kill himself if Rammi gets back together. Sammi’s bawling hysterically and Ronnie won’t let her get past him. It’s bad.

Here we go again.

Next week! Snooki denies Vinny’s drunken advances in an interesting role reversal. Well, “interesting” might be stretching it. Seriously, two more episodes?

Who’s ready to join Pauly D in a suicide pact?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Jersey Shore: Touching Vinny

Let’s pick right back up on Sammi making her Grand Re-Entrance to the shore house. She’s all kinds of nervous. Ronnie’s bummed because Sammi walking through the door totally rained on his Ron-Ron juice blending parade.

"Why do you always have to ruin my life, you whore!"

He tells us he was just starting to find himself and she walked through the door, basically putting a stop to all of that self-discovery. Well Ronnie, she may have misread your “stay away” messages, like all those roses you sent and your phone call begging her to come back. Girls can be thick like that.

On the other hand, the girls are very happy to see Sammi. Snooki hugs her and twirls around while holding a mug and sloshing liquid all over the place and Deena says she’s so “hestatic” she almost cried. She says “hestatic” means super happy and really happy. She DOESN’T say it’s a cross between “happy” and “ecstatic,” so I think she’s just confused.

"It's the opposite of 'sepressed,' which means very, very sad."

The guys are out on the patio with Ronnie and Vinny tells him that Sammi’s cool and all, but there’s been no fighting and let’s keep it that way. Yeah right. But good for Vinny for saying something. Mike is less thrilled about Sammi’s return. He IS the one that shared a room with them all this time. The boys come back inside and Ronnie gives Sammi a little pat and asks how she’s doing. She tells him he looks pale. He says that’s cause he just saw a ghost.

Now the girls go out on the patio to smoke and gossip. They all tell Sammi what a mess Ronnie’s been since she’s left and Sammi’s like, “Well he needs to go through it. I’ve been put through enough, blah blah blah.” Which to me sounds like when she feels he’s sufficiently suffered she’ll take him back, which just SUCKS. Can’t she just be determined to go forward and walk away from that mess? I might have a modicum of respect for her if she’d do that.

Inside Mike tells Ronnie that he feels for him and Pauly D goes, “I feel no different.” HA! Then Mike starts saying, “Was he talking to a girl? Was he talking to a girl at the gym? Dancing? Eating? Did he talk to the waitress?” Ha, that’s exactly how Sammi talks, too. So desperate and pathetic. Like the stuff you would ask if you had a boyfriend in eighth grade.

Plans to go out tonight are moving forward! The entire gang is walking to Karma. But before they leave, Snooki tells Vinny that she really wants to cuddle tonight, but that she understands if he sees a girl he wants to bring home.

"I didn't hook up last night, so I'm practically re-virginized."

She tells us that she named his anatomy Moby Dick (how original) and she wants to try again to “see if it would work.” They all take shots and head out.

At Karma Sammi is on better behavior than she was during her last nightclub appearance, so that’s good. No standing on tables screaming for hot guys. Ronnie follows her around, tells her she looks beautiful and tries to hold her hand, but Sammi stands her ground and won’t let him get to her.

"Not until the 23rd time you ask. You've got to go through this."

I think she’s probably feeling very powerful over him, and I hope she stays in this mindset. The minute she let’s this guard drop it’ll be back to the same old, same old. She tells us again that she wants him to suffer, which again makes me think this empowerment is all temporary. Ronnie finally gives up following her around and leaves to walk home. I keep waiting for Sammi to cave and follow him. Astonishingly, she doesn’t.

In fact, she’s busy listening to Snooki go on about how much she likes Vinny. Sammi offers to find out if Vinny likes her back, confirming my previous theory about her living in an eighth grade world. Snooki gets more dramatic, saying if Vinny brings home a girl she’s going to kill herself. I’m sure the alcohol is aggravating this nonsense, because when they left the house Snooki told Vinny she didn’t mind if he found a girl to bring home. And finding a girl he is! He’s found an eager-looking girl named Laura, who says she is Dominican. Vinny tells us he likes Dominican girls because they have tanned skin, big butts and full lips. This particular girl looks African Dominican, so to say she’s tan is like Snooki saying Obama is tan. Laura tells Vinny she wants to have 10 of his babies, like right now, so she’s definitely DTF. As luck would have it, Laura has a friend who is also DTF for Pauly D! It’s time for these four to make an exit.

Wow, that girl must go tanning like, a lot.

Snooki has reached the point where she’s just repeating, “I want to touch Vinny,” over and over in a whiny voice, so Sammi finally takes her home. Home where the two Dominican girls are getting busy in neighboring twin beds with Vinny and Pauly D. So awkward! That would be so embarrassing! They continually do this, though, so there must be plenty of ho’s who don’t care. Snooki bursts in to try and touch Vinny, and, seeing what’s going on, screams, “Really!?” Sammi comes in after her, goes right up to Vinny’s bed and says, “Who do you have?” Ha ha ha! Sex is like drinking a glass of water to these people. No privacy required, and really no big deal. But Ronnie comes in and physically picks up first Snooki, then Sammi, and places them out in the hallway and shoos them away. That could be the only sensible thing Ronnie’s ever done.

"But why does Pauly D get to watch?"

Sammi’s like, “That’s not okay, Ronald!” Oh save it for when he’s throwing your underwear over the balcony, Sammi. Snooki’s screaming that she hates Ronnie, and he tells her to realize that Vinny likes her, but to give him his space because he’s got a girl in his bed. Oh that sentence makes tons sense. He tries to reason with Snooki, who finally just stomps away, saying she’s over Vinny.

Then Ronnie tries to talk to Sammi, who tells him she can’t be with a liar/cheater and she’s not going to fall for his antics.

"You look hungry, Ronald. Have a bite of toast."

Ronnie’s like, “I’m getting mind effed right now,” but I don’t really see how. Sammi’s being pretty clear - for once. She gets up and flashes her panties at us while Ronnie tells us he’s so confused.

Elsewhere, Jwoww and Deena are walking home from Karma. Deena is on drunken cloud nine because she found a napkin in her purse with someone’s phone number on it. She says she’ll keep it always. You do that, Deena. Who knows who gave it to you. Jwoww once again has to pee and doesn’t want to bother finding a bathroom. At least she’s outside this time, but while popping her squat she manages to pee on Deena’s foot. Gross!

As long as she didn't pee on your number-napkin, Deena.

Oh look! Vinny and Pauly D have finished up and are calling cabs for the Dominican girls. Thanks for stopping by! I bet you feel greatly appreciated. Snooki is in her bed sobbing while Sammi tries to comfort her by saying the Dominican girl looked like a rodent. That’s exactly what a girl would say to her friend, no matter what the girl in question actually looked like. Vinny and Pauly D settle in at the table for a post-coital snack and Ronnie tells Vinny that Snooki is bawling. Pauly D goes, “That’s her, drunk.” Bingo! They talk about how she was just banging Gianni the other night, so it doesn’t make sense. Then Jwoww comes and asks Vinny to please go talk to Snooki. So he finally does, all the while telling us what a hypocrite she is. She wants him to remain celibate while she gets with all of Seaside. Uh, that’s not exactly the situation, Vinny, but you do have a small point. He tells her that they’ll talk about it tomorrow, then tucks her in and tells her he loves her. He tells US that he guesses he’s wrong because he can handle Snooki hooking up with other guys, but she gets upset when he gets with other girls.

"Why won't she let me spread my seed? I'm a man."

That’s pretty much how the sex buddy works. Someone always ends up hurt. I saw the episode of True Life about this very topic!

The next day is a rainy day, so the gang decides to go bowling. Snooki is too hungover to join them and she’d rather stay home and pout about Vinny anyway. As the two cars head for the bowling alley, we learn that Deena is a horrible frightening driver. She looks like she’s nearly asleep at the wheel.

"Today I'm a DRIVING holiday."

Miraculously everyone makes it to the bowling alley alive, and Sammi decides to meddle with Vinny, even though Snooki asked her not to. She’s like, “What’s going on? Do you like her or no? You know she’s crying about you day and night.” Thanks Sammi, for making your girl seem even more desperate and pathetic. Vinny’s like, “Uh...” then Sammi says, “I think you guys should have your own talk - none of my business.” None of your business? Could have fooled me.

When they get home Snooki has somewhat recovered and Jwoww talks to her about what’s going on. She wants to know if Snooki actually likes Vinny or if she was drunk.

"Well define 'drunk.' Because even pregnant people drink pinot."

Snooki says she must really like him or why would she have said all that stuff? Also she’s embarrassed. She tells us it’s not a good look for her to be saying she likes Vinny then having him bring home all these girls. The three girl roommies - minus Snooki - discuss that fact that Snooki wants a relationship so bad that she gets completely attached to every guy she hooks up with. Yes, we’ve noticed. Unless they’ve been engaged in the past, then it’s off. Then Vinny comes into Snooki’s room, where she’s pouting on her bed, but she tells him to go away and leave her alone.

Ugh, back from commercial and back to the bathroom trouble. Fast Forward! I hear that they call Danny and he tells them since it’s Sunday night they’re on their own until Monday. And Monday some juicehead plumbers come and eventually fish a tank top out of one of the toilets. That is vile. They tell Snooki they’re surprised there aren’t maggots in the bathroom because apparently it’s been this way for two weeks!

"Forget yous. We're condemning this property."

Okay, I have a question for y’all. They keep referring to the tank top as a bleep tee. What is the bleep? I can’t read their lips and I’ve apparently never heard this term. I’ve heard them called wifebeaters. What are they saying??

Snooki wants to know, too!

Before the plumbers leave, Snooki asks if they’ll clean the toilet. They’re like, “uh no.” They’re actually very good natured considering what they just went through here. When the boys get back from GTL, none of them will fess up to flushing a tank top down the toilet. These idiots are so drunk half the time that they honestly may not remember. On the other hand, who would admit that? Snooki volunteers to clean the bathroom and she cleans the toilet with cascade. What is the matter with her? Didn’t she ever learn how to clean a toilet? Is she going to put Tidy Bowl in the dishwasher too?

Oh here’s earth shattering news: Sammi thinks Ronnie has definitely changed. She loves talking to him now. Um, didn’t she come back on Saturday night and now it’s Monday? This is why you’ll always be in crappy relationships, Sammi. Anyway, Ronnie, Sammi and Snooki decide that they are going to have a sober evening so they head out to Beach Bar where they intend to get virgin margaritas. The rest of the roommies head to Aztec to see who they can get to come home with them. Roger is there so he and Jwoww have a reunion, and Mike is trying to get some 21-year-old fetus to come home with him.

Rammi and Snooki come home and want to play a prank on Mike, so they go to the fridge and take out every version of cheese they can find, including cream cheese.

Probably what Mike's bed smells like anyway.

They also get red pepper and proceed to smear everything under Mike’s mattress. That is so disgusting. And will be even worse when a little time passes. So Mike comes home with this young girl and as they get some ice tea in the kitchen Sammi comments that his beer goggles are terrible. Ha! I was thinking the same thing.

All of a sudden it’s a different day and Mike is telling the girls that the girl he brought home the other night smelled like grated cheese and he had to send her home.

"Situation only likes PRETTY girls who smell like cheese."

Then he sprayed his bed with Axe. But not before she gave him head, which Jwoww reminds him can give him an STD. Mike is like, “Nah, not from that.” What a dumbass. Jwoww calls a doctor to verify this and the doctor says yes, you can get herpes. Oh, just herpes. You know, that STD that HAS NO CURE? She also asks what it means if a girl smells like grated cheese, and the doctor says most likely a yeast infection. Mike is all grossed out. My question is this: Hasn’t Mike noticed that his bed STILL smells like grated cheese? Or did the Axe cover the smell all this time? Of course he never thought to wash his sheets, so the smell is going to remain.

Vinny comes to talk to Snooki yet again, and Snooki apologizes and says she was drunk and that she’s embarrassed.

"Don't tell Moby Dick. I don't want him to be mad at me."

Vinny says he doesn’t want her to cry anymore, but can he keep smashing other girls? She says yeah as long as she doesn’t see it. Well! Glad we got that resolved.

Next week! Jwoww sees Roger in his car with another girl. Uh oh. Will this mean we FINALLY get to see a single Jwoww?

So what is the secret code word for tank top? Is Sammi going to take Ronnie back? What else do you think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta