Monday, March 28, 2011

Jersey Shore: One Last STD

So here we are in our final hour of this Jersey Shore nonsense. I hope I can get all the way through it, cause I’m telling you guys... this season has draaaaaaaaaaagggged. I miss the episodes where I was cracking up over two thirds of the scenes and one-liners and things happened I could get behind. The last few episodes have pretty much been incoherent torture.

Exhibit A

Mid-action: Ronnie hears from Arvin on the phone that he and Sammi have made out in the past, so Ronnie shoves the phone back to Mike and plows through the kitchen out onto the patio muttering “biggest liar I ever met in my life!” Sammi’s on the patio and Ronnie demands to know how many times she made out with Arvin. Sammi storms to the phone and asks Arvin why he’s causing trouble for her because it was never “like that” between them. Arvin’s on the other end going, “Sammi, you know we’ve made out.” And Sammi keeps insisting they haven’t.

"That was just for pretend, Arvin! Pretend!"

It’s pretty clear that Sammi made out with Arvin at some point, so she’s really just making a bigger and bigger ass of herself by denying it instead of just stating the obvious: that it doesn’t effing mattter. Of course through all of this, Mike is pacing all around the living room with his loud obnoxious (and irrelevant) commentary. Ronnie again retreats like a wounded bear. Poor, poor Ronnie... Negative.

"If I kick her teeth out now there will be witnesses..."

Meanwhile it’s time for the final roommies Sunday dinner and they discuss a barbecue that Danny is throwing for them tomorrow to which they all get to bring a couple of guests. After dinner Ronnie goes back to the patio to pout and Sammi comes out to test the waters. Ronnie asks her to tell him the truth about Arvin, so she finally admits that they made out a few years ago. Oh and she’s sorry she lied about it. What is the matter with her? I’m throwing my hands up as I type. I can’t honestly believe we’re spending more time on this. But Ronnie tells her now she’s really messed up, so she can either fix it or walk away. Ronnie tells us Sammi has a lot to prove to him. Can’t wait.

"If I drink your blood will you believe that I love you?"

The next day Ronnie, Vinny and Snooki have their final shift at the t-shirt store. Ronnie wears a shirt that says “Rush” on it, which is a competing t-shirt store down the boardwalk. Wow, Ronnie’s clever subversiveness is extremely impressive. Danny literally tears the shirt off of Ronnie’s body and makes him put on the correct shirt.

"Let's take a look at those glistening abs."

Then Ronnie defiantly lies on the counter and takes a nap through the entire shift. He says he’s not going to work on his last day, but I can’t imagine this is different than any other day.

Later everyone’s getting ready for the barbecue and when they get there we get to meet some friends from home. Pauly D has a couple of DJ friends come, Vinny has Uncle Nino, Jwoww has Roger and her dad, Snooki has some girl named Danielle, and Deena has a girl named Lisa. Pauly D DJs and Ronnie does his seizure-dance. Deena grinds up against Uncle Nino and there is even a pinata.

Just pretend it's Tom's head.

Then the drama begins. Vinny has set his sights on Deena’s friend Lisa because he’s gotten it into his head that he’s much more desirable than he actually will ever be. Luckily for him, Lisa seems like a very stupid girl and is beyond flattered that Vinny wants to bang her. Deena tries to tell her friend that Snooki likes Vinny so to back off. When Lisa goes to Snooki, Snooki’s like, “whatever.” It’s just another night and she’s very used to Vinny’s amorous adventures. Deena still isn’t having it, which makes Vinny and Lisa more determined than ever to get together. Vinny is furious and calls Deena a cockblock and makes a huge scene about it all over the party. Deena’s like, “Please just don’t bang my best friend!” And Vinny is like, “You suck and you’re a cockblock.” This is so stupid. Can’t Vinny keep it in his pants for one night when his roommate is asking him to? On the other hand, if Deena’s friend is that anxious to get herself used, I’d say go ahead and enjoy your herpes.

"Please, Deena! Please let your friend give me a disease!"

Elsewhere, Sammi wants to know if Ronnie and Mike are friends because she hates Mike. When Ronnie says yes, he’s friends with Mike, Sammi says she can’t be okay with Ronnie then. Ronnie’s like fine, whatever. I love how when Ronnie is shredding Sammi’s clothes he wants everyone to butt out and mind their own business, but when Mike is calling Sammi out on something, Ronnie wants him as involved as possible.

Back at home Vinny is having a pity party and giving Deena the cold shoulder. When Deena wants to know why, Vinny says that he thought Deena wasn’t Angelina. Ooooh, them’s fightin’ words. Angelina WAS a huge cockblock, but this is slightly different. It IS Deena’s good friend in question. Pauly D suggests that Deena and Vinny duke it out and he’ll go cuddle with Lisa. At this, Lisa looks like she’s just been crowned Miss America. Congrats, honey, the two least selective man-whores on the planet propositioned you. You must be so proud. Deena takes Lisa into her bedroom to go to sleep and Lisa sits her down to explain why she’s being called Angelina. Geez, if it’s this important to Lisa to catch an STD, why stand in her way? Pauly D concludes that Deena is jealous. Of course, there’s no other possible explanation.

The next morning Mike apologizes to Sammi for butting in to her business. Where did THAT come from? Sammi apologizes back but tells us she still doesn’t trust him.

"Sorry you're a huge douchebag, Mike."

Meanwhile Vinny is giving Deena the silent treatment. I’m sure all this acting like a 6-year-old is making him all the more attractive to Lisa. Actually it probably is because she just keeps taking it as a huge compliment to herself. Finally Lisa leaves, so maybe we can have some peace.

"Hopefully when he gets out of timeout he'll remember I'm a walking holiday."

The roommies all head to Rivoli’s for a huge dinner and there’s still a lot of tension in the air because Vinny is still pouting and Deena feels bad. Then Deena decides to give a toast and thank everyone for welcoming her into the group and having a great summer. Everyone clinks glasses. Vinny sulks.

"I wanted to show that girl my new earrings."

Back at home everyone transitions into club gear. Snooki is in a skirt that barely covers her crotch and she starts doing cartwheels. When Pauly D tells her her kooka is in plain view she goes to the mirror, turns around, bends over and shakes her butt. Sure enough, you can see her crotch. She shrugs and walks away. It’s their last night at Karma so she might as well let it all hang out. This, ladies and gentlemen, is America’s celebrity du jour. And at Karma, Roger has come to celebrate Jwoww’s last night in Seaside and he wants to know what’s going to happen now that Jwoww is headed back to Long Island. He tells her he would like to keep seeing her and even go steady. Jwoww is all aflutter and accepts his offer. Awwww. So still no single Jwoww.

"Are you going to ask me to Prom too?"

What she does is to go and tell Snooki that Roger just asked her to be his girlfriend. Snooki and Deena act like Jwoww just got engaged. The scream and jump around and hug her. That’s sweet, but it’s so hilariously high school.

Elsewhere at Karma Deena spots a guy friend of hers named Chris and when she goes to dance with him she falls flat on her butt. Have another one, Deena! You’re a blast in a glass! Snooki finds Not-Pauly D, the guy who she boinked for putting a bandaid on her knee and she grabs him and takes him back to the house immediately. He sits on the couch while Snooki makes him a grilled cheese sandwich and guess what he’s wearing. A t-shirt from Rush! Take that, Danny!

Please no one rip this one off his body.

He yells orders to Snooki about his grilled cheese and she finally says, “Relax, Princess Diana!” Ha ha ha. To the smoosh room! Snooki is thrilled that Not-PaulyD is wasted because it means he’ll last longer. That is so romantic.

Back at Karma some guys Sammi knows are there and say hi to her, so Ronnie is having a bad night and tells her to take off when she tries to talk to him. Everyone rounds up someone easy to take home - except for Ronnie and Sammi who drunkenly argue all the way home. Ronnie finally walks away and leaves Sammi to walk the rest of the way home alone. She must be traumatized! Once they get home Jwoww tries to help Roger call out of work the next day and she ends up yelling drunkenly into the duck phone at Roger’s boss’s voicemail. Thanks, Jwoww! Sammi is insulted when Ronnie doesn’t want to sleep with her, so they have a screaming match in the upstairs bathroom. It’s been done to death. Sammi sobs, Ronnie cries like a little bitch. It’s nothing new. Everyone is beyond wasted, but Deena tries to make amends with Vinny by making him a grilled cheese sandwich, which he accepts. Feel the love at the Shore House!

The next morning Roger is off to see if he can salvage his employment and Jwoww is thrilled to wake up officially committed to Roger. Meanwhile her poof dog is taking a gigantic crap on the floor. Danny’s going to have to burn this place down and start over if he ever wants to rent it out again. Upstairs Ronnie is busy telling Sammi how much he’s had to put up with during this stay at the Jersey Shore. Sheesh, I mean, does Sammi think it was easy to pick up her entire bed and shove it out onto the balcony? Ronnie’s been through so much! Sammi apologizes and says he’s her best friend. Yeah, my best friend routinely demolishes my belongings too. Ronnie wants to know why Sammi doesn’t show him that she loves him. He’s a very wounded soul, you know. He tells Sammi his heart is broken. Sammi kind of shrugs that she’s not very affectionate, but she wants to know if they’re together or single. Ronnie says he needs his space. Sammi goes, “So single?” Ronnie gets up to walk away and Sammi goes, “So this is over?” This is always what she does. Gives him 500 chances to not break up with her and he does every time anyway. For five minutes at least.

"Really right now? We're single? That's it? You're walking away? You're done?"

Mike makes breakfast while Jwoww’s other dog craps on the floor, then everyone packs up and gets ready to leave.

"Another summa, another disease, another wrecked house..."

I’d be sad, except I’m so not. Sammi is first out the door, followed by Ronnie. It’s interesting that they’re all getting into BMW’s this time when they drive away. Sammi says she’s alone and it’s not a good feeling. Don’t worry, Sam. You’ll be back in your abusive relationship before sundown. Vinny leaves next and he’s actually nice to Deena. He tells us once again that he and Snooki are cuddle buddies and it might get serious one day. Yawn. Mike is up to leave and no one cares. Jwoww talks about leaving her awful boyfriend and finding a new one, and how the shore house is her home. She and Snooki embrace and cry. Pauly D goes and is actually nice to Deena and Snooki when he leaves. Then Snooki and Deena toss their luggage down the stairs before piling it into Snooki’s car. Snooki tells us that she’s going to be the President and Deena’s going to be the Vice President. This will mean that “the economy would rise, everyone would be tan, and all the radios will play house music.” Lofty aspirations there, Snooks. Now get outta here!

And that’s it! Rumor has it that this same gang will be back for Season 4 in freaking Italy. Great, that will make America proud... as if this show hasn’t done enough for our national pride as it is. I don’t know how interested I am in yet another season of these idiots’ antics. I’m not sure a change of scenery is enough of a change to hold anyone’s interest. But this show keeps getting huge ratings, so what do I know? What say y’all?

Thanks for hanging out with me for another season, guys! The best part about doing these recaps is reading what you have to say about the whole mess. It keeps me entertained for days! So don’t be afraid to HOLLA!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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