The Bachelor: Torn Between Two Lovers, Feeling Like a Fool

America's Sweetheart

Wow, where to start with the latest installation of The Bachelor? Tonight Jason Mesnick blew up in America's face and left grody little pieces of himself all over our TV screens. Let's get started.

I'm going to pretty much scan over the initial two hour finale for a couple of reasons. First of all, it was total filler, and secondly, it was total bogus. Here's what happens: The whole Mesnick family crosses two hemispheres to interrogate and pester Jason's two final choices. We get tearful Ty reunion number 546 with Ty scampering - yet once again - into his daddy's open arms and then rolling around in jubilation. Then Melissa turns up to see if she can properly prove in two hours that she knows how to play with a child, which obviously translates into being the perfect stepmother. She passes, no doubt thanks partially to her multiple cheerleading kicks and leaps. Jason's brothers give her crap about having parents who don't want to sign Bachelor waivers and she takes it all with her dignity pretty much intact.

Molly shows up to be initially ignored by Ty - will this kick her right out of the running? - but then she's able to win him over by throwing a Frisbee around on the beach with him. Phew. Molly can also be a mother. She proudly announces to the Mesnicks that she is in love with Jason and the Mesnicks all seem to think that she's quite sincere. Since Molly's family was as dumb as Jason's family in agreeing to be on the show, the Mesnicks feel like they are all on the same wavelength. No one - and I mean no one - has any idea whom Jason should choose. Of course they don't.

Each girl gets one final shot to sway Jason into her court, so Melissa presents her parents on a silver platter, or more accurately, a telephone, so that Jason can see they're not really the reclusive weirdos everyone once thought, but they are sweet and open and would be fantastic in-laws. Molly makes Jason a ginormous scrapbook of their time together because she momentarily thought she was on a show called "Girlfriends for Life." Both girls are completely in love with Jason and want to marry him and he is completely in love with both girls and has absolutely no idea what to do. Minus Ty, you could swap this out with any previous Bachelor season in history and not miss a beat. Jason even goes and picks out his ABC-sponsored diamond engagement ring.

"Maybe these photographs of New Zealand hold the answer."

And now just as Jason sits back to relax, read a book, and let destiny take its course, who should come a-ringing at his doorbell? I have no idea! It's not like it's been teased since minute one of this season - not to mention at every commercial break tonight. Who could it be? Why it's our former heroine DeAnna! That's right, the very woman who DeNied Jason, but taught him that he could love again, leading him straight into his present DiLemma. DeAnna looks different than she usually does in her glamour press shots. For one thing, she doesn't look as slender as she did during her I'm-engaged-to-a-snowboarder phase. Apparently snowboarding is good exercise; I should look into it. Also, she is dressed like a house frau, which is supposed to prove I don't know what. Basically she looks dumpy. And she's supposed to be here to lure Jason back? Spruce it up, DeAnna. No one's jumping off of their couches to date you anymore.

"Come on in, grandma."

Anyway, Jason's like, "What are you doing here?" He looks more annoyed than surprised or even curious. DeAnna's like, "I came to visit you!" as if that clears everything up... in New Zealand. Yeah, she was just in the neighborhood and he was on her mind so she stopped by to warn him about making the biggest mistake of his life... in New Zealand. DeAnna talks to the camera and tells us that she came here because she lost out on a great man. Oh puh-lease! You came here to get your face back in front of the camera lens and that's all there is to it. Well, that and ABC needed something to tease all season and they hadn't yet taped the ATFR special. DeAnna tells Jason that in choosing Jesse (The Riddler) she was only thinking that he was someone she'd have fun with and she didn't consider what she wanted or needed. We're really supposed to believe that after all of the hours of heartbreaking deliberation DeAnna put us through that she never even considered what she wanted or needed? It may be time to re-read the script because I'm not buying this. Jason says that he is currently in a situation where there is the girl who feels safe and is everything he's ever wanted, but then there's the wild card who COULD be great, but he doesn't know. DeAnna says that's exactly how she felt, but she chose the wild card and wishes she had chosen the safe bet - Jason - because things would have worked with him. No they wouldn't have. She says that if she had it to do over she would make a different decision and that's why she's here. Jason hasn't proposed yet, sooooo... how about it? Then she just sits there blinking. Jason's like, "Well thanks for stopping by!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh how stupid is this? How stupid do they think we are? We're really supposed to think DeAnna did this of her own free will? No way. She tells him one more time not to choose the wild card and then adds not to follow his heart, but to lead it. Interesting advice, DeAnna. It's now time to DePart. As her car drives away, DeAnna looks as relieved as I've ever seen anyone look to be leaving a situation. That was an incredibly sincere interlude.

Later Jason paces around wondering some more what he's going to do being in love with two women and all. Molly's great, Melissa's great. I love Molly, I love Melissa. Maybe splashing in the pool with Ty will help clear things up. It doesn't. The girls each take yet another turn telling us how much they love Jason, how desperate they are to get married, and how badly they want to be Ty's stepmom. At last Jason puts on a flaming purple suit and heads out to the grassy knoll to get this done.

Never mess with the man in purple.

Right about now I get a text message from my (gay) coworker that says "Are you watching this gay shit?" And I notice my voicemail light flashing and retrieve a message from my other coworker who is completely appalled by the music. She suggests that for next season they just hire a violinist to stand around in the background playing for us to feel sorry for everyone. Well, anything would be better than this gay shit, right?

The first limo pulls up and out pops Molly. So this confirms what most of the internet has been buzzing about from the season premiere - that Melissa is The Chosen One. Well, let's see how Jason's going to handle this. He starts by fixing a deadly serious expression on his face and not even Molly's matching purple can bring him a smile. Much like she did with the Fantasy Card, Molly steals Jason's thunder by making a speech about what an incredible journey this has been and that she wouldn't change one thing about it no matter what happens. Jason's like, "Your eyes, your eyes, amazing, your eyes... but I have to let you go."

"But I'll even wear a purple wedding dress!"

Molly kind of laughs and looks down. Jason works up some fake tears and says he has no good reason to offer except that he's in love with someone else. Molly finally pipes up and tells Jason she thinks he's made a big mistake. As he walks her out to the dumpster, she whispers that she doesn't get it and starts telling him some more that he's making a mistake and he's going to end up hurt again. Jason goes, "I think you're wrong." And Molly does the lip service that she hopes she's wrong because Jason deserves so much, blah, blah blah. As Jason shoves her into the limo he assures her that everything was real. Molly has this half-smile on her face through all of this that I can't quite figure out. I guess it's her way of not showing emotion. So as she drives off she breaks the one wish her father had of her through all of this (not to cry on her Ride of Shame) and starts bawling. Meanwhile Jason stumbles to his balcony and has the hysterical fit that we've also seen on every single episode this season.

Someone has poopy pants.

Molly tells us that she thought Jason would be smarter about this because he's been hurt in the past, but he's making a huge mistake, which he'll eventually learn the hard way.

Jason dries his eyes and gets ready to have some fun. As he trots back out to the Proposal Platform he tells us he has no doubts about Melissa and can't wait to get that ring on her finger. He talks about how pretty Melissa is - you know, the important stuff - and gets all psyched up to tell her everything. Melissa looks quite pretty in her gold bed sheet.

Toga party!

She steels herself for Jason's speech. He tells her that he's been looking for someone exactly like her. Exactly. He says he's completely in love with her and she starts jumping up and down and screaming. Then Jason drops down to one knee and brings out his product placement ring. Melissa stops him mid-proposal and turns around to scream and wiggle - sticking her butt right in Jason's face in the process, how romantic.

"You're saying you want some of this?"

When he asks her to marry him she kneels down next to him, which is actually really sweet, and says, "You want to marry me?" And he gives her the ring. There is much squealing, much giggling, much twirling around, much posing for the fly-by helicopter shots, much Ty in a tuxedo, and much jumping into the pool fully clothed (nuts to you, costume donors). Well that's all precious, but let's get to the meat of the evening, shall we?

Jason's already looking shady.

After The Nonsense


So it's been six weeks since the love fest and we're reuniting to catch up with everyone and see how they're all doing. Chris Harrison warns us that a lot has happened. There is no studio audience tonight because this is going to be so emotional that they wanted to keep things private out of respect for everyone. Private? This IS being televised, or am I mistaken? Well whatever, out comes Jason with his well-rehearsed somber expression getting ready to squeeze out some tears. He begins by telling us again how wonderful Melissa is and how he's waited his whole life to meet someone just like her. But things have been different since taping wrapped and they're just not right for each other. The chemistry is different now. And Melissa knows that things are different - at least for Jason. And here it comes... he can't stop thinking about Molly. He's doing all he can to make this work with Melissa, but he can't deny his true feelings. Hmm, just a quick question: Does thinking about Molly all the time help make things work with Melissa? Just wondering.

He goes on to say that when Molly left she took a huge piece of him with her and that piece made him feel alive. What, was it a pacemaker? Chris asks if he's talked to Molly since New Zealand and Jason says no, because he's been busy being a hero trying to give Melissa a chance. If he could control his head and heart he would, but he can't. Chris wants to know what Jason plans to do tonight. Jason says first he's going to publicly dump Melissa - right here onstage, and he justifies this by saying he would advise Ty to do the same thing in a similar situation. Oh give me a break! Then he's going to bring Molly out and see if she still has the hots for him. Sounds wise, Jason. Bring it.

Before Melissa comes out, Chris reminds Jason how angry and hurt he was by DeAnna. Jason just says that Melissa has every right to be angry with him, too. Oh yes, saying she has a right to be mad at you makes it much better, Jason. Chris grins as he announces Melissa's entrance. He hugs her and invites her to have a seat. Jason dives right in reminding Melissa that he's realized things are different now as he's told her on the phone. Then he repeats everything he said to Chris in the last segment about them not being right for each other. Melissa is furious.

"Oooooohhh really..."

She says that she doesn't believe him and she thought things were perfect. She calls him out on running away at the first sign of doubt instead of trying to hang in there and fight for what they have together. Jason's like, "You have every right to be irritated." Well, Melissa isn't having it and she wants more information. So Jason admits that he still has feelings for Molly, but denies again that he's had any contact with her (lies, according to internet rumors). Melissa keeps saying Jason doesn't want to fight for her and Jason keeps saying he can't control what he's feeling. True Jason, but you can control what you're DOING, and that's what shows someone's character. Apparently Melissa agrees with me because she whispers, "You are such a bastard." Right on. Jason keeps excusing himself, saying he's not perfect, he wishes it could have worked, he found out a lot about himself. Melissa says that to her, getting engaged was a once in a lifetime occurrence and Jason took that from her. She hands him the ring and he TAKES IT! Melissa, honey, at least get some cash flow out of this. Surely the ring can't be in the contract. Or can it?

We keep going on with this little encounter and Chris asks Jason if he's sure about this decision and Jason says yes, so Chris leaves for them to say goodbye in "private." Melissa is still really angry and she scolds Jason, saying he should know better than to act like this, but good luck with everything, and now leave her alone. Then she storms out of the studio, with cameras on her the entire time, and heads into a limo for her delayed Ride of Shame. Jason does another crying act. Melissa cries that it's an awful feeling to give someone your heart and have them throw it away. She says that she's not so much angry as hurt. She says she thought she'd be a good wife, but there must be something wrong with her because she keeps getting dumped. What's wrong with you, Melissa, is that you keep dating jerks. She chalks all of this up to a learning experience and hopes that someday it will all make sense in her life.

Chris strolls back in to wipe away Jason's manufactured tears, which are having a hard time getting out of his eyeballs. He says that Molly is backstage and Jason is about to get his shot. But first Jason has to go away while we bring out Molly to hear her side of the story. So out she comes all smiles and sits down to watch the recap of her journey that we have seen dozens of times.

"OMG, my bangs."

Molly tells Chris that the week after the finale was taped was the worst week of her life. Chris asks if she still has feelings for Jason and she says that yes, seeing him all over the media makes her remember what an amazing person Jason is and she still has strong feelings for him. Molly says her biggest question for Jason is when did he know it was Melissa instead of her? Chris keeps prodding, asking if Molly ever wishes that Jason would change his mind. Oh. My. Gosh. Molly's like, "Of course, but I would need more answers..." GAG.

So here comes Jason, back to Mr. Smiley Pants, ready to break the good news to Molly. Molly asks her big question - when did Jason know? Jason says that he's never been so torn in his whole life and he's never cried so hard because he honestly didn't know whom to choose. Chris breaks into Jason's rambling, reminding him that he's here to tell Molly something. So Jason tells her that he ended things with Melissa because he can't stop thinking about Molly. He thought he had found what he was looking for, but he was wrong, Molly is what he was looking for and he's hoping they can have coffee or a drink. Molly is completely aflutter. She asks about Melissa and Jason says that Melissa is angry, but he can't live his life with regrets. And when he thinks about living in the moment it's with Molly. He just wants to see where it goes, so how about it, Molly? Commercial.

"Do I seem surprised to you?"

Molly's still sitting there with furrowed brows and a half-smile. I can't tell if she's actually surprised or what. She obviously can't be too sharp because she tells Jason that her feelings for him never went away and she'd like to see where things go. Oh good call, Molly. You know he'll NEVER hurt you the way he hurt the last girl he wanted to marry. Party on.

"Finally, we got one on camera!"

Chris starts acting like this is a joyous occasion, then Jason and Molly kiss and while they're kissing Jason whispers, "Holy crap." Classy. Jason announces that the most important thing is that he and Molly are following their hearts - even if it is impacting other people. Nice attitude. More lovey-dovey and Chris Harrison announces that it's not going to get any better than this. Good grief.

Okay, so I have millions of thoughts and opinions about all of this, but I'll just share one theory and then leave it to you all to hash out. I think something must go on during the taping of this show that inflates the ego of the Bachelor or Bachelorette to absolutely unmanageable proportions. I think they are brought in and flattered endlessly, then introduced to 25 people claiming to want to marry them and then spend the next few weeks being fawned over and doted on and being told how wonderful they are, and I think they actually start to believe it. They start thinking that they are something super special. There have been Bachelors I never liked, but even the ones I liked in the beginning always turned out to drive me nuts by the end. Even DeAnna started off for me as a cute nice girl who'd been wronged, but by the end she was unbearable. I think this validated arrogance may be part of what leads these people to act like such creeps. And that's what I think.

What do YOU think? Was this all planned? Does it matter? Will you watch again? Do you care?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

The Bachelor: Recapping the Redundant Recycled... Again.

Okay, I know this redundant recap is later than promised by NoixdeCoco, but trust me, it is taking every ounce of willpower for me to do this at all. It is such a load of filler that I could re-insulate my entire house with only the first half hour.

"It wasn't me, I swear!"

Okay, first Chris Harrison sits down with Jason to discuss how America fell in love with him – and the show – this season. Bogus. If internet rumors are anywhere near accurate, America is having a hate affair with The Bachelor because of what is about to go down on this week’s four hour finale. Yes, you read that correctly. Two hours of Ty’s runny nose and Jason scream-bawling over a balcony, then an hour of After The Final Rose. Then the next day ANOTHER hour of After The Final Rose. I need an enema. Anyhoodle, America is NOT in love with The Bachelor or Jason Mesnick. We’re simply being held hostage by Mike Fleiss and some douchebag named Reality Steve. This conversation is useless, but it does make me a little madder at Jason than I already was because when he discusses kissing various girls, he acts like they took him off guard. Like with Megan he says that up until the General Hospital date, they had just been friends, so he was “really surprised” that she kissed him like that. Is he kidding me? This is The Bachelor! They are all here to marry him and he knows it! What nerve saying they were just friends so far. Every single girl on this show was 100 steps past “just friends” the night they got out of their limos. Same thing when he talks about Cyber Stalker Shannon’s nose blowing kiss. He’s like, “we should have just had a conversation…” Whatever, Jason. You’ve been on the other side of this so I can’t even believe you’re dismissing the whole competition element as if these girls were so out of line. Next Jason takes credit again for reuniting Stephanie with her daughter on her birthday. He says the clouds aligned perfectly. The clouds? Chris Harrison says that was one of the better moments they’ve ever had on the show. Okay, so we know where Chris’s interests lie. The rest of this conversation is too idiotic. I’m moving on.

Flying directly over Trista, Mr. Trista and Baby Trista, we are landing directly on this season’s girls coming back to talk crap. I guess first Charlie O’Connell has gone into AA, enabling him to rekindle his romance with Sarah – whom he chose on his season, and also Fred, a reject from DeAnna’s season, and Noelle, a reject from Matt’s season, are now a couple. Wow, I’m sure ABC will take full credit for that and parade them out on every reunion show as long as they’re together as proof that this process really works. Okay now onto our girls from this season.

Jillian practically gets a standing ovation, which I don’t completely understand. I don’t think she was any better or worse than anyone. We learn some interesting new things, like the fact that Cyber Stalker Shannon knew a lot about Jason before coming on the show. You don’t say! We hear from Jackie, who was eliminated on the first night. Gee, she must have all kinds of good insight to provide. We learn that Natalie brought an entire suitcase of shoes. That, too, is helpful information. Chris Harrison is amazed at how much drama went on in the house. Oh Chris, we all are. We rehash an argument between Megan and Erica – as if anyone even remembers. Natalie comes to the hot seat for us all to learn that… she is a brat. And she likes bears.

"Stop stereotyping me! I'm the sporty, fun cute girl!"

To prove to us all that she was portrayed incorrectly, Natalie tells us that she doesn’t care that she had to give her million dollar diamond necklace back because she’s “allergic to jewelry.” Ok, what? She can be allergic to a specific metal, but to all jewelry? I don’t think so. She’s also currently wearing 14 bracelets and I don’t remember her breaking out in hives under the diamonds. We go all the way back over her Vegas date with Jason and then get to hear her thoughts on the matter. Natalie says that it was hard being on the show because they took away her Blackberry and her iPod and made her stay in the mansion when she’s used to being all over the place. Chris makes a point of saying they only took away her SUPERFICIAL items. Oh shut up, Chris. Being trapped in the Jason bubble is no way to live. But still, Natalie IS a brat and way too impressed with herself. She says the word “stereotyped” about 500 times, as if everyone is making snap judgments based on her haircut. Was she honestly the one to spend all this time on?

Now Jillian, Canada’s Sweetheart, is in the hot seat. After a mind numbing recap of her entire journey (half of which was in the recap at the beginning of THIS VERY EPISODE), Chris asks how Jillian felt when she was rejected. Well Chris, it tickled. How does he think it felt? Chris says it always seemed so easy with Jason and Jillian. Jillian agrees. Chris reminds her that Jason gave her the “friend card.” Yes, we just watched it – TWICE. Jillian says her family loved Jason and they honestly thought that Jillian would marry him. But from this experience Jillian has learned that she can, in fact, love. Oh boy, she’s talking like the next Bachelorette. She’s saying all these ABC-approved things about knowing the process works and having nothing but super duper feelings about the whole experience. Then Chris asks if she would want to be The Bachelorette. Of course she says yes, she would do it a-gane. Okay, I think we can all see where this is going.

"I love ABC and Mike Fleiss is a genius!"

Uh oh, now Jason is up. Does this mean we get to watch Jillian being sent home for a third time? Jillian says that she respects Jason’s decision and she WAS heartbroken, but she’s fine now. Her only question for Jason is that a day after he kissed her he kissed Melissa and told Melissa that he hadn’t had a kiss like that in a really long time. Jason’s like, “Uh… what? All I can say is that I said what I was really feeling.” Thanks, Jason. Next Naomi tells us how surprised she was that her mom had a bird funeral and Jason talks about Naomi having these huge wings and needing to fly. She even became a flight attendant! Jason claims that he and Stephanie will be friends forever. Right. Like you and DeAnna will be friends forever?

Next there is a lame blooper reel and Jason uses it as a segue to say how much fun everyone had. Yeah Jason, in your head. Chris asks if Jason is happy now that all is said and done and Jason says that yes, he’s extremely happy. We’ll see about that! And finally there are extensive recaps of both Melissa and Molly. I just can’t do it. You’ve seen in all – many times.

This week the truth comes out. We’ll talk more then!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Coming up...

Tomorrow, on I Love Camping, HoneyGangsta is going to recap for you the Women Tell All episode of The Bachelor. She doesn't want to do it, cause it's a giant snoozefest and nothing interesting happened. Well one interesting thing happened - we found out that Jerry O'Connel's little brother is such an alcoholic that it ruined his relationship.

She'll recap for you all the ways the Women Tell All episode is a recap and how its not worth recapping, and then do a few funny bits about the left over, passed up women who are going to Tell All, or tell nothing as that is a more accurate description.

Then she'll recap for you "J's" big appearance on the show and how he revealed absolutely nothing. Finally she'll recap the recaps of the remaining two ladies.

After that, I will recap her recap of the recapping in the Women Tell All.

Enjoy!

The Bachelor: New Zealand... Like Australia But Smaller

"I am all kinds of confused."

Hello beloved fans of The Bachelor! As you may or may not know, this last week some rumors started circulating on the interweb involving a Bachelor scandal of epic proportions. I have no idea if the rumors are true and I have no idea if I care if the rumors are true. I don't want to post any spoilers, so I'm just going to keep talking about what ABC deems us so lucky as to view. The truth will come out... eventually... and we'll all have a good laugh when it does. Now off to New Zealand!

Jason greets us in full purple regalia to tell us that he is still totally confused about which girl to choose, even after the hometown dates, which were supposed to clear everything up. Well, there's nothing left to do except to bid Ty another fond farewell and take the three remainders to New Zealand.

We go all the way back over Jillian's history on the show again and Jason tells us that he hopes in New Zealand to discover a romantic spark with her. Apparently as amazing as Jillian is, Jason's not sure this is the stuff marriage is made of. Oh Jason, you don't know what you're talking a-boat. Next, Molly has purty eyes... yawn. Did you know that they slept together in a tent on their first date? Melissa used to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. She also wants to be a teacher and a mom. Does any of this sound familiar, or are you saying it out loud along with Jason by now? This is what happens in two hour episodes, people. Never mind the days on end of filming - we will be shown the same three minutes over and over and over. One last thing. Melissa's parents refused to come on camera. Get out!

New Zealand... rocks.

Now Jason is in New Zealand for Fantasy Time. He's so super excited because he gets to have three amazing dates and then sleep with all three girls! He's double super excited because he KNOWS that his wife is one of these girls.

Well, once a-gane Jillian is up first and the producers have come up with something very unique and different - a helicopter ride. Are you kidding me? I think I almost qualify for a helicopter pilot's license just from watching this show.

"Look Jillian! I thought up a brand new date for us!"

Jason and Jillian are dressed like twin farmers, both in plaid flannel shirts and jeans. They soar around the sky wondering if life gets any better than this. Not for Jason, that's for sure. The chopper hovers down near a cliff and the pilot decides he's had enough and kicks both of them out without even landing. That's okay with Jason and Jillian because now they can have a romantic stroll on top of the cliff! Coincidentally, there is a picnic basket and blanket spontaneously lying around just waiting for a happy couple to adopt it. They sit down and toast to each other and then Jillian wants to know how Jason would describe her to someone else. He comes up with something ever so eloquent and detailed: fun. Wow, Jillian you should feel honored. As for Jason, Jillian thinks he is attractive, interesting, fun and just all around spectacular. Basically she wants to be with a guy who is her best friend. And she can safely say she's falling in love with Jason. Jason says he could be friends with Jillian forever, but he is looking for more passion. They stand on the edge of a cliff and Jason says that this is exactly how their relationship is - you know a cliffhanger. Oh yes, I am just jumping out of my seat to see how this is going to turn oat.

Later that evening, these two meet up in formal wear for dinner. They are at some winery - just like they were in Canada, and they sit down to eat in a big empty stone room. They talk about the date so far and Jillian says that every time she hangs out with Jason he exceeds her expectations. Hmm, low expectations much? Jason keeps yammering to the camera about the Fantasy card because spending the night with someone is SUCH an important factor in the relationship. Way to lead with your libido, Jason. He wants to know how Jillian is feeling about all this - you know, is she ready to jump in the sack or what? She misinterprets his question and starts explaining her feelings about the relationship - like that she's so overwhelmed when he's not around, but everything seems right when he's there. She's crazy a-boat him. Jason is gleeful because he's sure this is in the bag. They start kissing and then Jillian wants to know where her Fantasy Card is.

"What does this mean a-gane?"

Well shocker of shockers, Jillian is in! She wonders if Jason can handle it. It's his first overnight, honey, not his third.

They climb into a wishing well themed hot tub. Jillian's Fantasy hot tub wish is about to come true! Did you know she hasn't been in love with anyone for a very long time? She tells Jason that he's the most remarkable person she's ever met, so I'm guessing she's only ever met about five people, tops. The music takes a turn for the porno and Jason and Jillian start climbing all over each other. This is pretty ugly. Let's take a commercial break, shall we?

Ah, aversion therapy.

Drizzly and early the next morning, Jason says that Jillian was great last night and all, but today is all about Molly and whether she's willing to give it up. It starts out promising, with them making out under a golf umbrella, which Jason certainly swiped from Molly's country club and that's why he'll never be allowed in. Jason says he brought Molly here to show her the most beautiful view in New Zealand. This, it turns out, is from the top of a bridge that these two will now be bungee jumping off of. Wow I could never do this. Never. But I am a gigantic chicken, so there you have it.

Looks secure.

They stand looking over the edge and Jason cries like a little girl. Molly's trying to convince him that it's not that far down, but he doesn't believe her. Well, they jump and there is an eardrum piercing shriek heard around the world - from Jason. Molly just giggles. I've actually heard that high adrenaline activities are a great way to bond.

Can you see Jason's tears falling up?

After the grand jump Molly and Jason sit down to chat over a fruit plate. Molly shares that her finicky parents just loved Jason when they met him, but she has a huge list of questions that she wants Jason to answer. They are terribly important, like what is Jason's favorite ice cream? Molly says - in all sincerity - that if Jason proposes to her she really needs to know what his favorite ice cream is. Okay. Now I've never been married, so I realize that I am not exactly an expert on these things, HOWEVER, I must say that I'm pretty sure an ice cream flavor would not be the first thing on my mind when someone proposes marriage. I am willing to accept the possibility, though, that I am completely mistaken and ice cream flavors are the most important things to be considered when making the biggest decision of one's life. We get to hear about Jason's favorite color, his favorite holiday and his morning getting-ready routine. I'm seriously drifting off. But Molly is getting more and more excited with each inconsequential piece of trivia. These two must be made for each other!

On the way to Fantasy Dinner Molly tells us that she needs to show Jason her emotional side. Oh boy. Jason says that he adores Molly, but he wants her to show him that she cares about him and not just shy away.

"These are my EMOTIONS!"

He can't give himself to someone and not have her feel the same way in return. Yeah, yeah. We know DeAnna dumped you - move along. They talk about the fact that Molly knew that New Zealand was her favorite place in the whole world as soon as the plane landed. We'll see if that sentiment remains unchanged after the next couple of weeks, Molly. Jason brings up the fact that when he met Molly's parents they sat on opposite ends of the couch and so did Molly's sister and her husband. He wants to be more affectionate than that, so what does Molly have to say for herself? Molly just says that her family isn't all mooshy, but that doesn't mean they don't love each other. Also, she's way more affectionate with her boyfriends than she is with her parents. Molly asks Jason if he's worried that he'll choose someone at the end of this and then down the road realize he chose the wrong person. Oh, you mean like every other Bachelor who's ever been on the show? Chances of that are slim, Molly, don't be ridiculous. She tells Jason she's falling in love with him and they start kissing. Molly calls this a "breakthrough," but honestly this just seems like par for the course for these two. Molly pulls a fast one by having her own Fantasy Card and she invites Jason to spend the night with her. Well! She tells us that Jason was "taken back." Does she know Brad Womack? The word is "aback," Molly. And Brad. They go to the Fantasy Suite and head straight for the bed. Jason's like, "Another one bites the dust." Oh, they also take a bubble bath in their swimsuits. Neato.

Another relieving image.

The next day is actually sunny, so Jason leaps out of bed with Molly to scamper off and meet Melissa. Melissa tells us that she's terrified about facing the consequences of her family refusing to participate in the dating show. What will it mean, is she done for? Jason takes her on Winston Churchill's old boat for a cruise around a lake. Melissa hems and haws, telling Jason how worried she is about getting hurt in the end. Jason just looks at her and says, "But is it worth it?" Oh geez. You mean, are YOU worth it, Jason? The answer, of course, is NO. But it's not like Melissa is going to come to that conclusion, so on we go.

"Look! My parents are on the beach waving!"

Jason tells us that he hopes at some point they can talk about not meeting her parents. What? Have we ever LEFT that topic?

The next Fantasy Stop for these two is a hot tub. Here we go. Oh wait, it's actually a hot POOL, meaning it's from a natural source, I suppose. Jason stumbles and almost becomes a soprano on his way into the hot pool. There is a garage door type thing made out of glass that opens up when they sit down in the pool, so they are sitting in front of all of this glorious scenery. Jason wants to know if Melissa has talked to her parents yet and she admits that no, she has not. And she can't understand exactly why - it's not like she and her parents aren't close. Yeah, right. Jason wonders what Melissa would tell them if she were talking to them now and she says she'd tell them that Jason makes her very happy. Now Jason shares a moment with us and tells us that falling in love with Melissa has nothing to do with her parents - but he is disappointed that he hasn't met them. Have we beat this far enough into the ground?

"So... should we talk about your parents?"

It's Fantasy Dinner time! Jason says that tonight will give them an idea of what it would be like to be together in the future. Okay, whatever. It's another dinner in another private room in another restaurant on another Fantasy Date. What will we discuss this time? Melissa's parents? Sort of. It's more like about how she's the black sheep in her family. Also she talks to her brother almost every day and she sees her parents a couple of times a week. I knew it - we're back to her parents. Melissa makes the huge confession that she was terrified when she had to tell Jason that he wouldn't be meeting her parents. Jason says he was disappointed, but he gets it. Melissa wants to know if it's a big deal and Jason stumbles around for a while and lands on the fact that he's glad he got to meet her friends - of which he met no one else's. And out comes the Fantasy Card. Melissa acts like she's genuinely never watched The Bachelor before. She was even surprised earlier that their date continued past the hot pool. Oh Melissa. Stop cheerleading and park yourself on the couch. There's some good stuff happening on TV. Of course she says yes so off they go.

Melissa gives her Big Speech about realizing some things about her relationship with Jason and being scared of what she could lose. Really scared. Jason says that nothing will scare him. Oh, you think, Brainiac? You're the one with all the power! That really helps, Jason. Thanks. I bet Melissa's still scared, though. She finally mumbles that in the time they've spent together she's fallen in love with him. Jason kisses her while pumping his fist in the air because he knows he's three for three. Melissa keeps babbling to us about how scared she is and Jason tells us he's falling for Melissa too. Yeah, and Molly and Jillian. What else is new?

"Even his boxer shorts are purple."

Jason's back later in another purple tie, which is our cue that he's about to re-live this episode verbally with Chris Harrison. Guess what. This is tougher than Jason thought. Waaaah. What we learn in this segment is that Jason went in a helicopter with Jillian, went bungee jumping with Molly and went for a boat ride with Melissa. Great. Noted. Oh, here's something new. Each girl has made Jason a video message. I bet they're chock full of new information. Jillian thanks Jason a lot and calls him "Babe." She says she's crazy a-boat him and loves to imagine their life together. Molly calls Jason "J" and wants him to know she's serious about him and Ty. She's madly in love with him. Melissa says that her time with Jason has been the greatest of her life. He's made her comfortable loving him and she misses him and loves him. Jason's like, "Oh crap, this is going to be really hard on ME." He concentrates really hard on tearing up for us.

"One more take, guys. I got this."

Tonight's Rose Ceremony takes place in the great outdoors. Jason comes out looking like his suit is way too small and his head is way too big. What a doofus. He gives a speech about falling for all three of them for different reasons, but having to do something selfish by breaking one of their hearts and that really hurts him. Yes, him. And the first rose goes to... Melissa and her invisible family. The second and final rose goes to... Molly and her non-affectionate family. Oooh, goodbye Jillian! Canada has left the building!

Jason walks Jillian over to a bench to explain to her why he is right and she is wrong. He tells her that he has strong feelings for her, but their lives are very different and he's not sure he can keep up with her. Jillian says their lives aren't really that different and she's had a busy life because she's been single and been hoping to find the right person. Jason grasps for another excuse. He says that Jillian mentioned wanting to marry her best friend, and he's afraid that best friends are all they were. Jillian disagrees and says that they DID have more than that and that she's in love with him. Then she tells him about this dream she had where she was playing with Ty and Ty tried on a pair of her high heels. She thought it was really funny so she ran downstairs to show Jason, but Jason was sleeping on the couch so Jillian and Ty curled up next to him and they all had a family nap. I see what you're getting at Jillian, but I don't know how many dads want to hear a story about their toddler sons experimenting with high heels.

"Then he got into my lipstick... it was so sweet."

You are much better off, Jillian. You'll realize that after you've been released from the Jason bubble. On her Ride of Shame Jillian tells us that before this experience she was jaded about finding love. If you were jaded about love, would you go on The Bachelor? I mean, seriously. Jason's back at the bench trying to cry. Enough already.

"I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy."

Next week the girls meet Ty and Jason's family. Oh wait, next week is The Women Tell Nothing and we catch up with old Bachelors and Bachelorettes - PASS! The NEXT week is Ty and the fam, with a splash of DeAnna and a hysterical Jason followed by the Final Rose. Then we have a very special After the Final Rose where something so emotional happens that there is no studio audience involved. I'll believe it when I see it. And possibly not even then.

What'd you guys think??

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

The Bachelor: Opening Up a Can of Crazy

Don't forget the tongue, Jason.

Are you all ready for the Hometown Dates on The Bachelor? As a special Valentine's Day present to you all, this recap is extremely tardy. You're welcome.

We open with Jason packing with Ty yet once again. This poor little boy isn't even going to remember who his daddy is by the time Jason finally prances in toting his new woman. Jason asks Ty how many shirts he should bring with him on his hometown dates and Ty says, "Can't you just be my daddy?" Okay so he didn't say that, but he would if he were cognitively advanced enough.

"Who are you again?"

Here we go with a big flashback of Jillian and her food games from the earlier episodes. I guess we're heading to Canada first to eat some hot dogs. Did you know that Jillian is smart and funny and Jason's life with her would be one non-stop adventure after another? Oh puh-lease. One food test after another, more like. Oh wait, we're doing summaries of all four girls it looks like, and Molly is next. Molly has the prettiest eyes Jason has ever seen, so he better get over to the jewelry store quick. He also likes the fact that she was willing to sleep with him on the first date. He's worried, though, that he can't get deep enough with her, but meeting her family should help with that. On to Naomi. Naomi is incredible and loves to travel. She is a free spirit and very passionate. She's like, totally serious about getting married and being a mom. But is she really ready for Jason's life? Can she fall in line and shut up about it? Well, Jason will be the one to decide that. And as for Melissa. Well Jason just couldn't imagine someone so beautiful and fun actually being serious about being a mom. But guess what. Melissa wants to be a mom, too! She also cried on the General Hospital date because she likes Jason so darn much. But are things too perfect with Melissa? Could it be true that she doesn't have one fault in the world? Let's find out.

First stop, some city in Canada. It looks drizzly and depressing, go figure. As Jason gets out of his car Jillian pounces on him with hot dogs. Just kidding, no hot dogs. Apparently this city is not exactly Jillian's hometown, but it's where she spent all of her summers and holidays growing up and it's where her parents live now. There is a story about some loch ness monster that lives in the local lake and how Jillian once touched it when she was little. This must be an example of the non-stop adventures Jason mentioned earlier. They tour a winery (which is beautiful, but not nearly as beautiful as Jillian - barf). They sit down with some wine in front of a fireplace and Jillian dives into a story a-boat her family.

"Cheers to us, a-gane."

Apparently Jillian's mother suffers from severe depression and has even tried to commit suicide. Welcome to the family, Jason! The point of all this is that everything is all better now and Jillian's parents are amazing. Jason is happy to finally see Jillian cry.

Now it's on to meet Jillian's parents. The happy couple pulls up to the house, which is painted red and white with a huge red maple leaf in the middle, and when they walk in the door they are immediately surrounded by huge Canadian flags and welcome home banners. The dad runs up to Jason and wraps him up in a Canadian flag. Why are Canadians so proud of themselves? What have they ever done? What?

"You ever hear of Canadian bacon?"

Jason shakes the mom's hand and says, "I've heard so much about your depression," wink, wink. Jillian's cousin Tori is there with her boyfriend as well. Over dinner Tori wants to know how it feels for Jason to be on the other side of things after being ripped a new one by DeAnna. Then Jillian's mom gives the following toast to her daughter: "In your heart I hope you find love. You certainly deserve to fly like a dove. You handled all of the pain and joy just like an angel would from above. Pressure makes diamonds and you shine like one. You bring happiness to us all as bright as the sun..." this is going on way longer than I thought it would, but suffice it to say the whole thing rhymes. I so don't get it. Jillian is getting a special toast for making it to the finals on a dating show? What will happen if she graduates college?

Jillian's mom, whose name is actually Peggy, takes Jason outside for a sit-down. Peggy has some questions for Jason and - I kid you not - she has typed them up and printed them out! They're just your usual run-of-the-mill Bachelor questions. She brings up that Jason has a BA in psychology and jokes that is a good thing to have in their family. Ha, ha, ha! We're depressed! (PS, who isn't?) Jason turns the tables and asks Peggy how she's managed to make her marriage last so long even through the huge mess she created. Peggy just says that life is a dance and you learn as you go. Sage advice, Peggy.

"I don't like dancing."

Jillian and Peggy have a chat next. They just say that Jillian really truly, really truly sees herself with Jason. Glen, Jillian's father, bawls to the camera about how much he and his wife love Jillian. Man, I should have been an only child. This girl is a hero just for existing. And as if all this weren't enough, now Jillian's Granny shows up to heap on additional praise. Granny thinks Jason is absolutely gorgeous - and what a relief because she was ready to haul Jillian up to northern Alberta and marry her off to a Ukrainian. Granny has brought Jason a gift and what do you think it is? Guess. You have one guess and if it involves the Canadian flag you are absolutely right. It's Canadian flag boxer shorts! Whee! Granny grabs a smooch on the lips as Jason is on his way out - huh? Well, Jason is off, but at this point he's so impressed that he's ready to defect to Canada. Good riddance.

We're off to Grand Rapids, Michigan for Molly's hometown date. Jason is meeting Molly at the country club (?) and she comes rolling along in a golf cart. She's in a golf outfit and has brought one along for Jason as well.

Dorky Duo

Molly tells us that she's only brought one other guy home to meet her family and it practically ruined her relationship with her parents. And from that experience she learned that she will never again date a guy that her parents don't absolutely love. Weird. I understand parental concern, but isn't it ultimately Molly's choice? I mean, is it really worth it to her parents to ruin their relationship with their daughter just to take a stand? I don't know. Molly tells us that every Sunday growing up her parents, she and her sister went golfing, so it's totally sexy to her that Jason golfs. Oh my gosh. I already don't like Molly's family. She reiterates about a million times how big of a deal this is for a guy to be meeting her parents. EVERYTHING hinges on this moment.

"Only 30 more seconds to hold in the crazy."

Molly's dad is wearing the exact same golf sweater Molly was wearing - just have a round, dad? The first interval of conversation is all about golf. As if golf weren't boring enough itself, now we're going to just sit and talk about it? Maryann, Molly's golfing mother, decides to play this really fun game where everyone wears some psycho hat. This is supposed to gauge whether Jason will be able to hang with the fam. Jason gets some huge Indian feather headdress, Molly gets a crown, Maryann gets a ginormous orange foam cowboy hat and this is supposed to show everyone how much fun this family is.

"I'm having fun, are you having fun?"

And the fun continues as Maryann takes Jason into the arts and crafts room and tells him he has to draw a picture of his favorite memory of Molly's face. Okay, I will NEVER be embarrassed to have anyone meet my family after seeing this. And I have a brother-in-law who came to Thanksgiving dressed as a Star Wars storm trooper... seriously. Jason gets to work drawing Molly's smiling face at a rose ceremony.

Molly and her dad have a chat and her dad only asks one thing of her through this entire process. If she is eliminated and forced to take a Ride of Shame, please don't cry. Just smile. What, so none of us will have the memory of Molly's face with tears on it to draw a picture of? WEIRD. Meanwhile, Jason is drawing a picture that looks like Ty drew while he was asleep. The family passes it around a giggles. Oh, Jason is a hit at Molly's house - sweet.

Jason is almost as good as Napoleon Dynamite.

Moving right along to Lake Elsinore, California, home of Naomi, the free-spirited flight attendant who wants to make dinner and have family Christmases. Naomi's mission today is to positively convince Jason that she is ready to have a family. Jason's not ready to buy it, but he's going to figure it all out today. When Jason gets out of the car, they sit down on the ground to drink juice out of champagne flutes and Naomi has to tell Jason something. Remember last week when he called her out of line to have a chat during the Rose Ceremony? Well it really freaked her out, but it also made her realize just how ready she is to be in Jason's life and to be Ty's mommy. Jason's like, "Uh, I'm glad."

Take a sip if your family is insane.

During the car ride over to her family's house, Naomi says "potential future husband" several times and tells us that her family is crazy and she's a little nervous about what Jason will think of them. Good call putting them on TV, Naomi. There is a whole passel of people for us to meet and the first thing Naomi's mom does is bring out hula hoops for everyone to have a hula hoop contest. "Be one with the hula hoop!" she tells Jason as he awkwardly twists around. Be one with the hula hoop? This is already weirder than Molly's mom and her arts and crafts project. The weirdest part is that everyone joins right in hula hooping like every family does this every day of the year, what's the big deal?

"Hula hooping doesn't fit in my life."

Once that gets boring, Naomi's mom gathers everyone around to hear the story of her hitting a dove with her car while driving home from work the other day. In fact, she scooped the dove up out of the road and brought it home to give it a proper burial. Side note: Naomi's parents got divorced when she was little, but her dad has graciously shown up today to meet Jason. He's standing around with this look on his face like, "Oh right, this is the reason I left."

"The new Mrs. Crazy would never kill a dove."

Anyway, Naomi's mom tells Jason (not asks, tells) that he will assist in the burial and give the eulogy for Rosie - yes the dead dove has a name. As Jason buries Rosie, he realizes that he is actually burying his sanity by participating in this nonsense.

Hector, Naomi's dad, takes an opportunity to escape from the crazy and have a sit-down with Jason. He wants to make sure that Jason is selfless enough to marry his daughter. Hector brings up his own divorce and tells Jason that the way he was able to rise above all of his adversity is through Jesus. Does Jason know about Jesus? Jason's like, "Uh, no. See, I came on this show called The Bachelor..." and Hector continues on about raising Naomi in a biblical fashion and the representation of marriage in the bible when suddenly Mrs. Crazy bursts back onto the scene to steal Jason away to help bury a grasshopper she just stepped on. Actually she wants to tell Jason about these premonitions she has. Does Jason have premonitions? Jason's like, "See, there's this guy name Chris Harrison and he called me up..." Mrs. Crazy thinks that she and Jason are in the same soul family and that Jason has possibly come from the future. How does he feel about reincarnation? She believes Jason was a mom in a past life. Past life? LOL, Mrs. Crazy.

Hector is outside with Naomi admonishing her to think very seriously about the different beliefs she and Jason have. Naomi waves it off, saying that she and Jason are so extremely compatible that she doesn't give a flip whether they believe in the same things or not. She brings up family Christmases again. Hector's like, "Well, I'll support whatever you choose." Thank you, Hector. You are excused. Jason watches Naomi play tag with some small children and envisions her picking up Ty's toys. Maybe she CAN fall in line. After Jason bids his farewell Naomi informs her family that she will, in fact, be saying yes if Jason proposes. Brilliant.

Our final stop on this tour of humiliation is Dallas, Texas where Melissa has spent fun times being a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. When Jason and Melissa reunite they execute a Dancing With the Stars type of twirl lift while Melissa screams. Aw, aren't they just adorable?

Point your toes, Melissa!

They sit down on a blanket on the ground as everyone is seeming to after Jason arrives tonight, and Melissa presents Jason with a little craft she made for Ty. It seems that Ty's favorite story lately involves the tooth fairy so Melissa has made a little box for Ty to keep his "moneys" in that he gets from the tooth fairy. That's precious.

"This is way better than meeting your family!"

And now Melissa has a huge bomb to drop. Her parents are totally not down with being on TV to meet Melissa's boyfriend so he'll only be meeting some of her best friends. Her parents aren't down and her brother's not down. No family meeting for Jason tonight in Dallas! As we all know, this is cause for great concern. How can Jason know whether he wants to join Melissa's family if he doesn't even get to meet them? This could be doom.

As for Melissa's family understudies, they are two married couples, one of which has two little girls. See, instead of meeting another bunch of crazies, Jason will get a demonstration of just what a great family gal Melissa will be if he marries her. Over dinner the group discusses the fact that Jason is the first guy Melissa has introduced to them in years and that the other guys she's dated haven't been very nice guys. One of the husbands says that they really hope Melissa finds someone because they are tired of her always having to be the fifth wheel. For crying out loud, she's 24! Jason says that Melissa has a gift for making little children like her. Oh brother.

The girls sit down for some girl talk and Melissa tells that that Jason makes her feel worthy and beautiful. Worthy? Melissa tells us that she usually doesn't talk about guys to these girls because she's never had a guy that she talked about with them. Thanks, Melissa.

"You've GOT to get on the baby track, Melissa."

Jason shoots pool with the guys and wonders if there isn't something wrong with Melissa. How could she still be single? (She's 24!) The guys tell Jason that Melissa doesn't even realize how beautiful she is. Then Jason takes a turn for girl talk and learns that these great girlfriends don't really know Melissa's family either. So Melissa has a Family of Mystery. Odd.

After the Festival of Friends Jason and Melissa head over to somewhere (Melissa's apartment? Melissa's hotel room?) to have some wine and continue to talk. Melissa says that her parents are such private people that they never even came to watch her cheer at Dallas Cowboys games. They sound like they're a bit reclusive. I wonder how many cats they have. Melissa tells us she's 110% in love with Jason. That's not mathematically possible, in case you were wondering.

Back in Seattle Jason ponders over how to make his next decision and along comes Chris Harrison to help him rehash everything, and I am pressing forward to what actually happens NEXT instead of what we've already discussed in detail. Jason just laments that he's going to have to hurt someone he really cares about and he never wanted to do that. Boo hoo, the battle cry of the Bachelor.

And here we are at long last at the Rose Ceremony. Jason says this has been one of the best weeks of his life and he goes through and tells each girl how much fun he had with her. Yeah, yeah, who gets roses? Here they go: Molly and her golf cart, Jillian and her Canadian flag brigade... Ladies, Jason, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready... Melissa and her married friends! Naomi and her psychotically disturbed family are out of here! Jason walks Naomi out and informs her that she is not ready to have a family yet. Naomi says that she was hoping to hear that Jason just felt more strongly for the other women, not that she wasn't ready to settle down yet.

"I know it was my mom, you freaking liar."

Good for you for calling him out on his lame excuse, Naomi. Jason doesn't decide when you're ready, YOU do. Jason just squirms around it and walks her to her limo. He reiterates to us that Naomi just isn't ready yet. Whatever, Jason.

In her Ride of Shame Naomi says she IS ready and she would have moved to Seattle in a heartbeat. She wants kids and a home and she didn't want to have her heart broken. At this point she feels like she's better off not dating but just being on her own. She has no idea where to go from here. The world is your oyster, Naomi. Live it up! Be glad you're not getting dumped on TMZ in six months.

Jason toasts the final three and tells them they're off to New Zealand for their "exotics." Woooooo! Jillian goes in helicopter, Molly goes bungee jumping, and Melissa apologizes for her parents some more. Oh also, DeAnna still shows up to ruin everything and Jason still has a hissy fit over the edge of a balcony. Should be good! See you then!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

The Bachelor: Hopeless in Seattle

Who will be Jason's beautiful bride?

Tonight on The Bachelor there are only two words you need to remember: Seattle and Ty. Got that? Good. Let's go!

Chris Harrison heads over to the Mansion of Desperation to wake the girls up at around noon. He reminds the girls that Jason didn't give out the final rose at the last Rose Ceremony because he didn't want to lead anybody on and therefore they should thank their lucky stars that Jason has deemed each of them worthy to still be sleeping until 2 PM in the mansion. This week there will be one group date and two VERY ROMANTIC one-on-one dates, but no roses on any of the dates so we all just have to hold our breath until the rose ceremony. Also, EVERYTHING is about to change. All of the girls will now be leaving the Mansion of Desperation. Gasp! Whisper! What could this possibly mean?

It looks so sad deserted.

Well, it means that everyone is going to Seattle, the most precious city on earth because it is hometown to the most precious guy on earth, our Bachelor, Jason. Scream! Woohoo! We are the most fortunate girls to ever live! Everyone scurries off to pack their crap. Do you know what else this all means? The. Girls. Are. Going. To. Meet. TY. Scream and faint.

Speaking of Ty, he is hanging around with Jason's nerdy sister-in-law, Leslie, waiting for his dad to show up from who knows where. There is much gratuitous toddler embracing and Jason says that his favorite thing about Seattle is Ty.

Jealous, ladies?

Aaaaaaaaaaaawwww what a fantastic guy! Jason seems to be living in the house where Sleepless in Seattle was filmed in order to add a bit of ambience to the situation. No way is this his actual house.

The girls are not so lucky as to be staying on a movie set and as their limo pulls up to a hotel there are deafening screams all around because Jason happens to be standing there. As they enter their deluxe hotel suite the girls decide that Seattle is great and they could for sure live there. Hmm, how about not seeing the sun for nine months? How does that sit with y'all? Or is Jason so dazzling that he will replace the light of the sun and no one will miss it one little bit?

Down to business! Jason announces that Melissa will be going on the first date and it will be tonight! She screams and hops over to smother him in her jubilation.

"Go Cowboys!"

Jason leaves Melissa to read her date card to the other girls and it says, "Let's hit the town in style. -J." Naomi is all kinds of pissed because she is the only one who hasn't had a one-on-one date yet, so wouldn't it have made sense for Jason to invite her out first? Apparently not so much.

"%#@! the Cowboys."

Melissa puts on a black dress that has this weird thing going between her boobs that looks like a silver snake. Whatever. Ty is busy picking something equally inappropriate for Jason to wear. Jason tells us that the date will include a romantic dinner at the Space Needle, a helicopter ride, and a waterfall. A helicopter ride? Where do they keep coming up with these new and original ideas? Well it seems that this going-out-on-a-date shenanigan isn't sitting well with Ty and he starts whining and begging Jason not to go.

Over at the hotel Melissa and her silver snake are beginning to worry that they've been stood up. Jason is a half-hour late and no one has heard a peep - not even the production staff, mind you. Clearly Jason has tired of Melissa and wants nothing more to do with her. Oops, not just yet. He calls and tells her that Ty is having a tantrum, so instead of taking her out he'd like to invite her over to his house to just hang out. As she scurries off to change into her "stretchy pants" the other girls have a meltdown because this means that Melissa will be meeting Ty tonight. After all, Ty is the most important thing in Jason's life and meeting him first will obviously give Melissa a tremendous advantage. I love how the little boy is suddenly the equivalent of a big fat rose. Melissa hops into her waiting Rolls Royce - still in her snake dress. Nothing's too good for Ty.

When she arrives at the Sleepless in Seattle house Melissa is entranced by the adorability that is Ty's toys all over the floor and plates of half-eaten pizza on the table. She happily steps into the role of maid - I mean mom - and starts cleaning up Ty's mess and doing dishes. Fun! By the way, Jason is busy putting Ty to bed and we haven't seen him yet.

Upstairs Ty is having a hard time settling down and going to sleep. I can't imagine why. What kind of little brat can't sleep with 600 watts of light shining in his face and a boom mic three inches above his head while 12 people mill around his bedroom asking his dad to turn to the left or repeat that last line? Jason very wisely explains to us that being a single dad is different because sometimes date nights have to fall through. Wow, that is so enlightening! I would never have had any idea!

Downstairs Melissa's snake has gotten bored playing housekeeper and decides to pour a couple glasses of wine to dull the boredom.

And you thought I was kidding.

When Jason at last emerges the heroic father, Melissa decides now is the time to change into her stretchy pants. Not the whole time she was cleaning or twiddling her thumbs, but now. On second thought, this way Jason gets to see her in the snake dress. Well played, Melissa. The stretchy pants are actually booty shorts, as Jason is thrilled to discover. He tells us that whether Melissa is wearing a silver snake or hot pants, she always looks beautiful. How romantic. And now Jason announces that he's not ready just yet for anyone to actually meet Prince Ty, but if Melissa is very good, she can tiptoe upstairs and look at him while he sleeps until Jason counts to five, then time's up. Melissa tells us that as she and Jason gazed at Ty she felt what it would be like to be a stepmommy and she almost loses it. Are we serious here? Fast forward six months to Ty screaming in poopy pants and pulling Melissa's hair while he kicks her in the shins for asking him to take one bite of his fish sticks. Sweet, isn't it?

Back at the hotel the girls are still all fired up about Melissa's lucky break getting to meet Ty tonight. They lament that it's like a knife in all their hearts and they can't even believe how jealous they feel. It just goes to prove that they are all ready to be moms, obviously.

If you're this mad now, just wait until Ty steals your credit cards

and takes your car for a joyride.

Jason and Melissa discuss the endless possibilities in store if Melissa wins a hometown date. She tells him that outside of her apartment there is a park bench and a big screen TV that shows sporting events and she likes to go out there sometimes with a cooler and watch the games. Jason is enamored because this proves that Melissa can appreciate the little things. I am so lost right now. What does this prove? That she can sit outside and eat? I give up. They make out.

The next morning - or afternoon, who can tell with these girls? - a date card arrives and Melissa does the honors: "Stephanie, Jillian and Molly - open your heart because love is in the air." They all look at each other trying to decode the message, then Melissa goes, "Oops, I mean love is ON the air." The important news, of course, is who is NOT on the card and that is Naomi who will finally be getting her blasted one-on-one date, sheesh.

The girls meet up with Jason on a boat and Jason tells us that they will be taking a tour of Seattle. This is highly crucial because if one of the girls doesn't love Seattle she is history. As they set off, they pass the actual house that was used in the filming of Sleepless in Seattle. I guess ABC couldn't cough up enough dough for the real thing, but they sure found a close second for Jason to play host in. Stephanie gets alone time first and Jason takes her up to the steering wheel of the boat so that they can discuss important matters like the Space Needle. Also about how much Stephanie misses Sophia. The most amusing thing is watching Stephanie try to furrow her botoxed brow.

Later Jason takes the girls to a radio station where apparently the DJ's are going to help him figure some things out. First only Jason gets to go on-air and the girls have to sit in a holding tank where they can watch but not listen. After about 10 seconds the girls are drowning in their own drool from watching the miracle that is Jason sit and answer questions. Interesting twist: Melissa and Naomi are in the hotel room listening adamantly to the radio. Hmm, I wonder how they knew about this. What a coincidence! The DJ's ask Jason what has been the most fun date so far and he tells them that the most amazing date was the glorious day he himself planned for Stephanie and her daughter at Legoland - isn't he a wonder? Naomi and Melissa cringe. Jason is sure to point out that he cried at Stephanie and Sophia's reunion on the beach. The DJ's want to know who the best kisser is and after a guilty moment Jason says Molly.

"Can they see my lips moving in there?"

In the holding tank Molly's nose is against the glass and she seems to have picked up signs of Jason uttering a word that may be her name so she gets very excited. Naomi and Melissa try not to cry.

Now the DJ's come up with a super fun plan to blindfold Jason and have each of the girls come in and kiss him to see if he can tell who he's kissing. Oh boy, is there a more painful way to emotionally torture a girl? Meanwhile Jason looks like a muppet because the blindfold they've selected is actually a bright purple feather boa (that Jason actually probably brought along himself).

"Wait, is it on straight?"

Jillian is first and she doesn't do anything special, but then Stephanie comes up and first kisses both of his hands and then his mouth - dead giveaway, the mom kiss. Molly tells us that her trademark is grabbing Jason's face before she kisses him. Wow Molly, no one's ever done that in the history of kissing. No shocker, Jason guesses all three correctly. Next question! The DJ's want to know what each girl is like in the bedroom. Must we? Must we really? Fine. Molly just loves to wear lingerie, Jillian likes to giggle and Stephanie wants to make sure her man is taken care of. Hold on while I puke.

Enough of the radio show. Next Jason takes the girls to a restaurant for everyone to share a big dinner. Jason tells us that since arriving in Seattle something has changed about Jillian. Red Alert! Does someone not like Seattle? Is someone just begging for a plane ticket home? He takes her aside to discuss. Jillian says that she came on The Bachelor to do something fun, meet a nice guy and some nice girls. She had no idea that she would have such deep feelings for Jason and it's really stressing her oat. Jason tells Jillian that he thinks she expects to feel passion 24/7 and he wonders if her expectations are too high. What a funny question this early on in a fake relationship.

"What do you mean, too high?"

Jillian assures him that no, her expectations are not too high and that she's not looking for perfection, just a special feeling. They kiss and talk about Jillian's Canadian family - whom we MAY get to meet next week if Jillian is that lucky.

And over at the hotel Naomi is receiving her date card. It says "Don't look down, you might fall... in love. -J." Oh, careful Naomi, you might fall in love. Well now it's Melissa's turn to be jealous even though she was The Chosen One to peek at Ty while he was sleeping. Geez nothing is enough for some people.

Back at the family style dinner Jason decides to take Molly for some alone time to see what she's thinking. They go for a walk around nighttime Seattle. ("There's the aquarium." "Is it really?") Yeah, riveting subject matter. Jillian is having a breakdown with her glass of wine while she frets over Jason talking to Molly.

Stephanie is actually scowling.

And Molly, meanwhile is spilling to Jason about an ex-boyfriend whom her parents did not like. She announces that she will NEVER, NEVER date someone her family doesn't like... again. No pressure for your hometown date with Molly, Jason. But guess what. They'll play beer pong, so that makes it all better. They make out and Molly's pretty sure she's got this in the bag. She even wonders why Jason is still wasting the other girls' time. It's not just their time, Molly. It's also America's time.

The next day on his way to meet Naomi, Jason tells us that he needs to figure out if Naomi is ready for his big, mysterious, complicated life. Ah, the eternal question. Can she be a stepmom? And more importantly, will she like Seattle? In order to find out they hop aboard a sea plane. This looks suspiciously like a helicopter to me, so I will not allow the producers to claim anything like coming up with an original idea here.

The other girls gather around a phone at the hotel and call Stephanie's little girl Sophia, just to remind us that Stephanie, like Jason, is a single parent. The other girls being interested in the phone call tells us that they are mature enough to be moms. Stephanie tells us that she likes Naomi, but Naomi isn't as mature as the other girls and therefore not ready to be a mom and therefore not a good match for Jason.

Elsewhere in Seattle Jason and Naomi have landed and moved on to the next phase of their date, which is climbing a rock wall inside a sporting goods store. I guess this is the part where Naomi might fall... IN LOVE! While they hang in their harnesses they decide to smooch a bit, which Jason dubs "an extreme kiss." Oh he kills me. The wit. The wonder. The Jason.

Money shot, Naomi.

Naomi wants to know what Jason is looking for in a wife and he gives his spiel about needing someone who can adopt his entire life and not just understand his life, but LOVE him for his life. Get over yourself, Jason. I get that you have a son, but this would actually be another person's life you are talking about. Relationships go both ways. Come to think of it, this is the same song and dance all of the Bachelors give. I am looking for a girl who will slide seamlessly into my life and have no complaints. Never mind that grown adults have formed lives of their own and relationships are about fitting into EACH OTHER'S lives, not just adding an accessory to your own. Well at the moment Naomi doesn't think she cares and she is ready right now to skin Jason and wear him - that's how much she loves his life.

There's a huge fireplace somewhere in the sporting goods store - and why not? - so Jason and Naomi go to have a snuggle in front of it. Mmm, fondue. Jason wants to know about Naomi's family and she launches into a sad story about how her mom fell out of love with her dad and left the family. Wow, bummer. THEN she says that the older she gets, the more of her mom she sees in herself. Naomi, are you insane? You're telling this to a guy with a child? She goes on to say that she can totally picture her life, including her cooking and having family Christmases. Yes, that is just about all that life entails, Naomi. She tells us that today she climbed a wall, and walls came down! Yes Naomi, but did you fall... IN LOVE?

Bright and early the next afternoon the girls are sitting around chattering about Jason, of course, when the doorbell rings. It's the man himself, sending everyone into a flurry. It turns out that Jason is here to take Jillian out for an outing because he's worried that of all the girls, she could be the one to break his heart. In case you've forgotten, DeAnna broke his heart last season and he really doesn't want to have to go through that again. They discuss how strong Jillian has been through all of this and Jillian promises that she will eventually show her more vulnerable side, but it has to be on her terms. Snore.

Later Jason is still fret-fret-fretting over who will be sent home and who will be rewarded with a hometown date. Luckily Chris Harrison shows up to help Jason think things through. They sit down on the patio and literally recap what we've just seen. If you'd like to know more about this conversation, go back to the beginning of this recap and start over. I'm moving along.

Does a heterosexual man actually need all of this foliage in his home?

There will be no Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party tonight. What is sure to be mentioned at least 50 times, however, is just how much Jason is struggling with this decision. He just can't seem to determine which girl will give him the least amount of trouble sliding into his fabulous life. Jason strolls out and makes a speech, but instead of awarding the roses, he says that he still has some questions for one of them and takes Naomi out into the hall to talk. The other four girls are each positive that they will be the one sent home tonight, so they huddle up to whine and comfort each other.

Jason basically wants more reassurance from Naomi that she won't struggle while being immersed into the life that is Jason. Will she just take it calmly and quietly, or will Jason be getting some back talk? Naomi promises that she is totally over being single, she can't wait to be a mom, and she wants to become the wallpaper in Jason's kitchen, so please, please, PLEASE don't send her home. Jason's like, "Okay, quiet down."

Back at the lineup I notice that Jason is wearing some odd combination of purple on purple on purple. What is it with that color and this show?

"Did I choose the right shade of purple for this purple purple?"

Anyway, he's finally ready to give out roses, and here's how it goes: Jillian, Melissa, Molly... ladies, Jason, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready. NAOMI. While Jason is hugging Naomi he gives Stephanie this deer-in-headlights look. Okay, let's hear it, tough guy. He says that he wants to say something in front of everybody and then he gets all choked up. He tells Stephanie how amazing she is and that they are all better people for knowing her. All of the girls are hysterical and Stephanie says she is just glad she got to be a part of this.

"But I so wanted two new sons."

Jason walks Stephanie out and tells her that he meant everything he said and he really wanted it to be there, but they just didn't have that spark. Stephanie says she could tell from Jason's eyes that he wasn't completely taken with her. Still no movement in the forehead region. Poor Stephanie. She really does seem like a sweet person. It's okay for your forehead to crinkle, though, Stephanie - you'd still be a sweet person. And better things await. On her Ride of Shame Stephanie reminds us that one day she will go to heaven and see her husband again. Sad.

Next week it looks like each of the hometown dates will blow up in Jason's face, but I'm betting that it will actually be much more boring than that. Until then, beloved readers!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta