Sunday, March 01, 2009

The Bachelor: Recapping the Redundant Recycled... Again.

Okay, I know this redundant recap is later than promised by NoixdeCoco, but trust me, it is taking every ounce of willpower for me to do this at all. It is such a load of filler that I could re-insulate my entire house with only the first half hour.

"It wasn't me, I swear!"

Okay, first Chris Harrison sits down with Jason to discuss how America fell in love with him – and the show – this season. Bogus. If internet rumors are anywhere near accurate, America is having a hate affair with The Bachelor because of what is about to go down on this week’s four hour finale. Yes, you read that correctly. Two hours of Ty’s runny nose and Jason scream-bawling over a balcony, then an hour of After The Final Rose. Then the next day ANOTHER hour of After The Final Rose. I need an enema. Anyhoodle, America is NOT in love with The Bachelor or Jason Mesnick. We’re simply being held hostage by Mike Fleiss and some douchebag named Reality Steve. This conversation is useless, but it does make me a little madder at Jason than I already was because when he discusses kissing various girls, he acts like they took him off guard. Like with Megan he says that up until the General Hospital date, they had just been friends, so he was “really surprised” that she kissed him like that. Is he kidding me? This is The Bachelor! They are all here to marry him and he knows it! What nerve saying they were just friends so far. Every single girl on this show was 100 steps past “just friends” the night they got out of their limos. Same thing when he talks about Cyber Stalker Shannon’s nose blowing kiss. He’s like, “we should have just had a conversation…” Whatever, Jason. You’ve been on the other side of this so I can’t even believe you’re dismissing the whole competition element as if these girls were so out of line. Next Jason takes credit again for reuniting Stephanie with her daughter on her birthday. He says the clouds aligned perfectly. The clouds? Chris Harrison says that was one of the better moments they’ve ever had on the show. Okay, so we know where Chris’s interests lie. The rest of this conversation is too idiotic. I’m moving on.

Flying directly over Trista, Mr. Trista and Baby Trista, we are landing directly on this season’s girls coming back to talk crap. I guess first Charlie O’Connell has gone into AA, enabling him to rekindle his romance with Sarah – whom he chose on his season, and also Fred, a reject from DeAnna’s season, and Noelle, a reject from Matt’s season, are now a couple. Wow, I’m sure ABC will take full credit for that and parade them out on every reunion show as long as they’re together as proof that this process really works. Okay now onto our girls from this season.

Jillian practically gets a standing ovation, which I don’t completely understand. I don’t think she was any better or worse than anyone. We learn some interesting new things, like the fact that Cyber Stalker Shannon knew a lot about Jason before coming on the show. You don’t say! We hear from Jackie, who was eliminated on the first night. Gee, she must have all kinds of good insight to provide. We learn that Natalie brought an entire suitcase of shoes. That, too, is helpful information. Chris Harrison is amazed at how much drama went on in the house. Oh Chris, we all are. We rehash an argument between Megan and Erica – as if anyone even remembers. Natalie comes to the hot seat for us all to learn that… she is a brat. And she likes bears.

"Stop stereotyping me! I'm the sporty, fun cute girl!"

To prove to us all that she was portrayed incorrectly, Natalie tells us that she doesn’t care that she had to give her million dollar diamond necklace back because she’s “allergic to jewelry.” Ok, what? She can be allergic to a specific metal, but to all jewelry? I don’t think so. She’s also currently wearing 14 bracelets and I don’t remember her breaking out in hives under the diamonds. We go all the way back over her Vegas date with Jason and then get to hear her thoughts on the matter. Natalie says that it was hard being on the show because they took away her Blackberry and her iPod and made her stay in the mansion when she’s used to being all over the place. Chris makes a point of saying they only took away her SUPERFICIAL items. Oh shut up, Chris. Being trapped in the Jason bubble is no way to live. But still, Natalie IS a brat and way too impressed with herself. She says the word “stereotyped” about 500 times, as if everyone is making snap judgments based on her haircut. Was she honestly the one to spend all this time on?

Now Jillian, Canada’s Sweetheart, is in the hot seat. After a mind numbing recap of her entire journey (half of which was in the recap at the beginning of THIS VERY EPISODE), Chris asks how Jillian felt when she was rejected. Well Chris, it tickled. How does he think it felt? Chris says it always seemed so easy with Jason and Jillian. Jillian agrees. Chris reminds her that Jason gave her the “friend card.” Yes, we just watched it – TWICE. Jillian says her family loved Jason and they honestly thought that Jillian would marry him. But from this experience Jillian has learned that she can, in fact, love. Oh boy, she’s talking like the next Bachelorette. She’s saying all these ABC-approved things about knowing the process works and having nothing but super duper feelings about the whole experience. Then Chris asks if she would want to be The Bachelorette. Of course she says yes, she would do it a-gane. Okay, I think we can all see where this is going.

"I love ABC and Mike Fleiss is a genius!"

Uh oh, now Jason is up. Does this mean we get to watch Jillian being sent home for a third time? Jillian says that she respects Jason’s decision and she WAS heartbroken, but she’s fine now. Her only question for Jason is that a day after he kissed her he kissed Melissa and told Melissa that he hadn’t had a kiss like that in a really long time. Jason’s like, “Uh… what? All I can say is that I said what I was really feeling.” Thanks, Jason. Next Naomi tells us how surprised she was that her mom had a bird funeral and Jason talks about Naomi having these huge wings and needing to fly. She even became a flight attendant! Jason claims that he and Stephanie will be friends forever. Right. Like you and DeAnna will be friends forever?

Next there is a lame blooper reel and Jason uses it as a segue to say how much fun everyone had. Yeah Jason, in your head. Chris asks if Jason is happy now that all is said and done and Jason says that yes, he’s extremely happy. We’ll see about that! And finally there are extensive recaps of both Melissa and Molly. I just can’t do it. You’ve seen in all – many times.

This week the truth comes out. We’ll talk more then!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta


Kristine said...

You must be dedicated to rehash that event... I stopped watching it I was so bored. But I have to say, I'm not thrilled with the next Bachelorette choice (if the rumors are true). Neve been a Jillian fan.

Diana said...

I don't know why I watch this crap. They always pick the wrong person, thus why they're single and unhappy! I had hope for Jason, but alas he only thinks with his second brain.

NoiXdeCoco said...

OMG - you are spot on about everyone. Trista, Mr. Trista, and baby Trista. Ha ha ha.

Very, very funny recap :)

NoiXdeCoco said...

Jillian - America's new sweetheart - made the most poignant comment on this: It doesn't matter if Jason dated evil knievel, he would keep up with them if he were in love.

And that should speak volumes to women around the world. Especially Nikki, the beauty pageant lady - it doesn't matter who you make yourself be and it doesn't pay to showcase your hot dog measurement talents, becuase in the end, connection is about something that's not tangible. A feeling, a passing thought, a sense...

I wouldn't be surprised if they picked Jillian to be the next bachelorette. Bachelorette doesn't do as well in the ratings as the Bachelor, and there has never been a bachelorette that hasn't been a reject on someone else's show - Trista, or that lady from Bob's season, or DeAnna. And seriously, can anyone be worse than DeAnna?

What the hell is she wearing on the next espisode? She looks like a frumpy dumpy old hag.