The Hills Kinda Suck - No Surprise

Umm, a little too close, no?

It seems like I barely had time to eat a frozen Tilapia (from Trader Joe's, they're delicious, you have to try them), and I already missed three episodes of The Hills to recap! Further hindering my efforts - Honey Gangsta and I are leaving for vacation for two weeks, and who knows how much nothing will have happened by the time we got back. So I offer as a consolation prize, a brief and easy to digest recap of what has and mostly has not happened in bullet points:

• Lauren broke things off with Dog. Dog was taken by surprise that someone so uninteresting didn't find him interesting.
  
• Audrina is continuing to have problems with the girls, mostly Lo. Truth be told, I'm continuing to have problems with Lo. I guess Audrina was rude to Lauren at a party they were both at, so Lauren decided to share this with everyone in Vegas at Frankie's birthday party.
• Everyone goes to Las Vegas for Frankie's birthday party.
• Who is Frankie?
• The whole Audrina / Lauren / Lo drama reminds me when Heidi and Lauren ganged up on Audrina in season 1 or 2. They completely exhiled her from social ok-ness, and now Lauren has her mascara running down her face crying to America that they used to be such good friends. Humph.
  
• Brody has become a mega-bitch, a la Alexis from Dynasty. According to urban dictionary, a mega bitch is someone who controls everyone around her and makes them feel like shit. Yep, that sums up Brody.
• Lo's ears have grown since last week, I swear!
• Heidi is torn as usual. She was torn in season one, and has continued to be torn between something at all times. She's got that down pat. Recently she has been torn between being torn about two things - putting up with Spencer's bullshit or moving on, and weather she should tell people she had a face reduction or an eye enlargement.
• Heidi's less attractive yet older (lets not assume one has to do with the other) sister moved in with her and Spencer, and is watching TV and other things that are completely unacceptable to Spencer. So Spencer spoke on behalf of Speidi and told her to get lost.
• I've been wondering lately where Kristen is...that's how bad this has become.
• I'm going on a bike ride now. See y'all in two weeks! (maybe)

That's right. This exists!

Stephanie’s Bday Party This Weekend on The Hills

The many lifeless faces of Lauren Conrad

Last week on the premier of The Hills, we caught up with LC, Heidi, Whitney, and the gang. Heidi is continuing to tolerate Spencer and his intolerable ways. Heidi’s sister comes to visit, unbeknownst to Spencer, and there’s lots of faux tension and over-the-top rudeness by Spencer. Audrina is celebrating her birthday with a pretty fun looking pool party that tons of people show up to, and who now probably have credit on IMDB. Whitney reprises her role of the conversation driver as the true pro that she is. Lo becomes a raging biatch, and becomes totally and completely artificial and unsympathetic, hopefully to all of y’all too. Consequently, her ears now make her look like dumbo. That karma, she’s a bitch – just like you Lo! And then there was LC…she went on a date:

Lauren: Are you hungry?
Doug: Yeah
Lauren: So what have you been up to over the past 4 years?
Doug: Not much

For this week’s episode, I’m doing a stream of consciousness recap. Blogging as I see it, and calling it a night. That’s all this show deserves.

So here we go…

I can hear you!

Last week on The Hills…yep, I got that above already. We catch up with Stephanie and LC at FIDM, where Stephanie is practicing to be a conversation driver herself, starting her sentences with “so…” So, where do you think my Pocahontas headband went? So, do you think lip gloss is edible? So, do you want to come to my bday party this weekend? So, you have a guy in your life? OMG!

So, do you know who told me this hair style looks good on me?

DRAMA FOLLOWS THEM – ha!

Lauren is on a date with Doug at Creperie – yum! I love crepes. Especially crepes with nutella or with chocolate sauce, and sometimes with cottage cheese, but only if there’s some sugar mixed in the cottage cheese, that’s good stuff. Note to self, go to Creperie next time in LA. Lauren looks like a regular starlet in a white summer dress and big dark sunglasses. She’s probably hoping no one recognizes her. Lauren wants to find her prom pictures – Doug HAS THEM! OMFG!!! She sips on some OJ. Doug wants her to take something off, but I can’t hear what it is and I ain’t rewinding. Lauren asks Dog (switching to phonetics) what he’s doing this weekend. He just makes a face that says – anything you want master, you’re my ticket to IMDB. She invites Dog to Stephanie’s bday party this weekend – yes master. “Yay!” Ugh. I need a nap…brb.

"Roll over...now play dead. Now fetch a scarf so I can show the world how to wear it 3 ways"

OK, back from my Lauren coma…at Epic records Audrina has a stylish new hair do, its all shiny and stylish. I wonder if she switched to a shampoo with a color locking formula. Some chick who works with her asks her the poignant question – what are you doing tonight? She’s going to Stephanie’s bday party.

Good hair!

I’m beginning to wonder if each character has been appointed their own personal conversation driver. I mean Whitney was awesome, no doubt. But she has a job now, and she can’t be everywhere at once – she’s no Holly Ghost. She’s just a young girl with a dream. You know Whitney will have ‘made it’ to the ultra elite non-sense when *she* gets her own conversation driver. I’m pulling for you Whitney.

Saint Whitney

Anyway, Audrina recounts that fascinating 2 minutes when Lo was a complete raunch to her and they decide that its Audrina vs Lo, a battle to the death! Blondes vs Brunettes! Who will win? I’m partial to the brunettes, so I say Audrina wins. She’s already a winner in my eyes, her hair looks amazing!

At People’s Republic, Whitney is once again filling in Lauren on all the basics of their jobs, to which Lauren just stares wide eyed and probably wishing when Whitney would just get back to what she’s really there for – to ask her if she’s got anything going on this week. Whitney: “You have anything going on this week?” Yes! Lauren has Stephanie’s bday party this weekend – the 67th mention in 5min of Stephanie’s bday party. I wonder what’ll happen there.

OK, vomit time – We join Speidi at Don Antonio’s where Heidi is still looking like she had a face reduction – her features are so big it’s crazy. She’s like a project gone wrong in Photoshop.

Looks natural to me

Anyway, there’s all sorts of fake melodramatics about Stephanie’s freaking bday party this weekend. You know how it all went even if you didn’t watch – Spencer is freaking out about his sister socializing with his worst enemy. And Heidi backing up who ever she’s talking to; tonight it’s Spencer and his crazy eyes. Heidi thinks they should go to Stephanie’s bday party this weekend, Spencer just keeps shaking his head vehemently, like someone just told him he has to go and get a job now.

Uh-uh, no way, no how

Commercial – Pantene’s beautiful lengths shampoo makes your hair grow longer, faster! Ahh, sweet, I’ll be purchasing some of that.

Oh my gosh, there’s 18 more minutes.

Stephanie is turning 22. Lauren gives a soliloquy in the bathroom on trusting people:
“I think that a lot of times, I trust people I shouldn’t and it turns out right, and it makes me feel a little bit better about it.”

Audrina shows her face in the bathroom of the blondes! Tension and weird looks ensue. The girls are rubbing their arms in discomfort, and seriously dramatic horror music comes on. Go brunettes!

Bathroom Tensions

Whitney is at a company dinner party, and their talking shop. Kelly Cutrone is laying down the law – “its my company…” therefore I will act like a horrible monster. Poor Whitney.

Lo and Lauren are on their way to Stephanie’s bday party tonight…and Lauren quotes Rodney Glen King in passing “can’t we all just get along?” Whoa – this gets Lo’s blood pumping because she replies in decibels almost inaudible by the human ear – “we ARE all just getting along!” You better watch your step Lauren! You might be the star of the show, but Lo has some massive ears she can slap you around with. Lo then strikes an imperious blow and says “the ones who matter are getting along. The rest will be taken care of with social evolution.”

"If they don't watch their step, I will have them executed"

Stephanie’s bday party this weekend is at Boulevard 3 – been there, done that – with Honey Gangsta no less. And let me just say my bday party last year was at the equally fabulous Cabana Club, just down the street. I miss L.A.

♫ I love LA - we love it! ♪

Uh oh, here comes Audrina in an ultra mini-dress. Frankie, Brody, Dog and the usual suspects show up to Stephanie’s bday party? OK. More credits on IMDB.

At Boulevard 3, Lo says to Audrina – “How are you? You look pretty.” And the camera angle of her crazy crossed eyes and the shadowing of the lights above (and her tone, and her insincerity…etc) makes her look pure evil. Audrina just looks at her, trying desperately to decode what she means. Then Lo, in a truly evil, evil way laughs at her, then says “I’m glad we talked,” puts on a frozen serious face and turns away. Oh snap - one point for the blondes.

Evil, Evil Lo...Evilo

Here comes Spencer, bringing a bus load of tacky balloons, just to tip the obnoxious scale to an all time high. Oh no, Lauren, Brody, and everyone else who has become a mortal enemy to Spencer becomes incredulous that this is happening. Lo’s mouth has frozen agape. Everyone is uncomfortable, while Stephanie declares that “this is the best birthday I’ve ever had.”

Douch Baggery

Brody takes off, saying he doesn’t want any drama – good for him. He snaps his fingers and the crew bounce with him. But before he goes, Lauren orders Frankie to say happy birthday to Stephanie (whom he just met). Nice going Lauren, way to be a bitch in front of Dog.

Things are totally uncomfortable and awkward, everyone is dying to ask Heidi whether she had her eyes enlarged or her face reduced, but no one has the cojones. Lo lays down the law – “let’s go. Seriously, let’s go.” Lauren says – how high?

"Spencer said it looks proportional"

Heaven help me, there’s 7 more minutes.

At Stephanie’s apartment, Spencer shows up, and in case you didn’t know, he’s “Heidi’s boyfriend.” Yet Stephanie is labeled “Spencer’s sister.” Interesting. “What’s going on?” Spencer came to talk about everything that went down last night at Stephanie’s bday party. OK, seriously? This whole episode was leading up to Stephanie’s bday party, then it happened and consequently not that much happened, and now we’re going to talk about what happened at Stephanie’s bday party?

Don’t think so - I’m done. See y’all next week!

Even Stephanie is over it!

Hold up, Whiney just got offered a job that would require her to have a bi-coastal lifestyle. Awesome – Whitney, you rule!

Everyone Shuffles Back to The Hills of Los Angeles

Madame Tussade's Wax Museum makes the impossible possible, it's no wonder they are New York's most famous tourist attraction

My apologies for the overdue post on last week’s The Hills, but in my defense, it is so uninspiring to write about the nothingness that ensues minute after minute. Alas, let’s explore the downward spiral of back-to-back episodes of The Hills.

In a nutshell – Whitney is over being an intern after 2 years and gets a job with someone who resembles simultaneously a nightmare and Sarah Gilbert. Lauren returns from her entire week long trip to Paris and parties with the welcome wagon at…wait for it…Le Duex! Oh Lauren, you are so unpredictable. I wonder what happened to Area? As of last September they wouldn’t let Andy Dick in and HG and I were forced to “spend time with him” at Republic across the street. Maybe Area caved to the leviathan among celebrity that is Andy Dick and let him in, the word got out and now Area is the genital warts of nightclubs, like its owner. Who knows?! I side track. Heidi and Spencer continue their charade of separating, at least physically. In America’s heart, they will always remain Speidi. Spencer packs up his stuff and moves to his sister’s apartment while Heidi develops an affinity for shades of lip gloss from the 80s.

Speidi will survive even a nuclear attack

By the way, I looked into eye enlargements, and found out its not actually possible to have that operation. So now I am convinced that Heidi got a face reduction, which just make is seem like her eyes are larger than normal and slightly alien like.

OK, let’s get to it. Whitney has learned all that she can from sitting in the Teen Vogue closet and asking leading questions of Lauren about her weekend for 2 years, and its time for her to move on to styling! Of course Lauren and Whitney are beside themselves with emotion that they won’t be sitting in the closet together anymore. Could this be the end of The Hills? It’s quite the risky move for MTV to remove the conversation driver when Lauren has proved to be so tacit with her words and emotions. I suppose we’ll just have to interpret her “emotions” and thoughts via her facial expressions. And they are so varied! (See examples from last post) The racket continues about the tragedy of their permanent parting, then they agree to meet up later that afternoon.

Dear Whitney: Please don't go. I'll never be able to interpret this.

Whitney gets a job with Kelly Cutrone in a position/industry I’m not sure I understand. They’re boutique and apparently very, VERY busy shuffling some other designers’ clothes. Ms. Cutrone informs her that she will have to give up her life for this job (to shuffle clothes), and that they usually stop work at about 3am (still, just shuffling clothes), so get ready Whitney for the glamorous life.

Glamour personified

Lauren embarks on her reunion tour back from Paris at Le Duex and runs into Brody, who she snipes at quickly for having an imaginary girlfriend. He yells, she yells, he runs away like a five year old, and Frankie reminds everyone how much they love each other.

The next day Lauren speculates about what happened at Le Duex over lunch with Lo – hey! Quit staring at her, just cause she’s a celebrity, she still has a right to her privacy – gawd!

Let’s see, what else happened. Spencer moved out, and gave a hearty thumbs-up to Heidi on her genius choice to make him leave and says “enjoy your space.” That’s mature. And clearly respectful of her wishes.

I think I got it all. In the second half hour episode, Spencer’s sister Stephanie happened to be in the same class at FIDM as Lauren, and neither of them were aware of this kismet meeting despite a cackle of camera crews in the classroom. For some strange reason they decide to enjoy each other’s company (perhaps the strange reason is that it was written in the script) so they hang out and become friends despite Stephanie’s choice to dress like Pocahontas.

"Let the white man's country be my country, and his kindred my kindred"

Next week Spencer yells at Stephanie: "You’re making yourself cry!"
Riveting.

The Hills are Dead with the Sound of Music

The Dynamic Triumvirate - The Conversation Driver, the Emotionless Robot, and the Non-existent One

After a long enough break that it might as well have been the season finale the last time we saw the ladies of The Hills….it continues. Finally. A clever little rouse to make us believe that we haven’t been sitting around wondering “when is The Hills going to be on again? Didn’t they say its continuing?” No one had any idea when it was going to come back. I found out on The Soup.

Another clever thing they did on Monday night was to fit a whole bunch of nothing into an hour on our not-season premier (it’s just continuing, remember). That is why I have decided to recap The Hills, since there’s not a lot going on. Basically Lauren went clubbing in Paris then to a ball, ruined 2 dresses and snubbed some poor French guy who wanted to get in her pants. Heidi went snowboarding in Crusty Butt and Spencer showed up unwelcomed. She made faces at him for an unspecified number of days and he finally left. The end.

This is Lauren - Excited

Let me elaborate, in case you didn’t see this episode and are incredulous that this is really all that happened in the entire hour. We began with Lauren pondering leaving Brody behind in LA while she was whisked off to Paris, and reconfirmed her decision as the right one when she remembered giving up Paris for a boy before and how badly that turned out. I’m not sure why this is an issue, are Lauren and Brody a couple? All I remember is that they had an awkward kiss in Vegas, which means nothing. There has been a lot more going on in Vegas that has meant nothing to anyone – believe you me! I am living proof that Vegas is a black hole of meaninglessness and nothing sustainable ever makes it out, not even a killer tan.

This is Lauren - Pissed Off

And then we find out Lauren’s big over-hyped super-duper trip to Paris is only a week long! Was I the only one misled to believing that she was staying for the summer? She really couldn’t go to Paris last year for A WEEK because of Jason and their beach house? Lauren is an idiot. I know – that’s no surprise.

This is Lauren - Hungry

Lauren and Whitney had two tasks as soon as they landed in Paris – pick up their ball gowns and pick up the debutantes' shoes. They did the first and couldn’t manage the second. This is why they are interns and not employees! I notice MTV has decided to tell me about most of the songs that I am hearing as I watch the episode and was immediately side tracked with L.A. Girls (Gilbert Le Funk Fantastique Remix) by Angel De Frutos, David Tort & Dj Ruff. I think it was maybe 12 minutes into the episode and I was completely over the show and into this song! I spent about 2 hours downloading other gems on iTunes, and then after a lengthy IM session with HoneyGangsta, she asked I tell her what I thought about the non-premier of The Hills (it’s just continuing, remember). So I had to saunter back with head hanging and finish watching.

This is Lauren - Au Naturale

Lauren and Whitney went out to a nightclub in Pairs and Lauren decided to alter and wear her ball gown, despite the fact that it’s a *ball gown*. Don’t worry y’all, she did this to her prom dresses – we’re in good hands. Until she burns the fabric by mysteriously placing her curling iron directly behind her designer *ball gown*. She bursts into tears, not because she ruined a ball gown, but because she doesn’t have anything wear. Whitney calls the guy who gave them the gowns and in a bad voice over she negotiates a new ball gown for Lauren. Yawn. This whole episode is so boring. OK, off to the Crillon Ball they go to “work” where Lauren gets a call from the French guy who wants to get in her pants – he wants to show her around Paris before she leaves the next day. The French guy shows up on a moped and she hops right on in her new *ball gown* that she promised to take very good care of. Did I mention it was raining? Genius Lauren. And that’s it. They get all sad about leaving Paris, and call their hotel room their home for the past week. Its like they’ve never stepped out of Southern California before. But then again, remember the hullabaloo they caused when they moved from Laguna Beach to Los Angeles – a mere 50 miles away and they acted like they were never going to see each other again. So this might as well have been like going to the moon.

The French Guy - sorry dude, no luck for you

In the meantime we got some updates from Heidi’s world, she’s at her parents in Crusty Butt, Colorado snowboarding and bleaching her hair beyond white to match the color of the skin on her face, so you can’t tell where her hairline begins. Nice job Heidi. I also think she got eye enlargements since the last time we saw her – even though we are just continuing, remember. She looked freaky. Spencer showed up in Crusty Butt, Colorado because Heidi hasn’t been answering her phone calls. Heidi and Spencer went to dinner at the Crusty Butt diner, and then the Crusty Butt Brewery, and then got drinks at the Crusty Butt lounge. She made a lot of faces at him and he was completely confused about what "no" means. Typical. This is one thing I personally learned from The Dude Whisperer – when a man says no, take him for his word. When a woman says no, that’s usually far from the end. Explanations are required, followed by pleas, begging and renegotiations from the guy. And here it is in living color. Anyway, Heidi was pretty rude to him and he left back for Los Angeles. She said something about wanting him moved out but I didn’t really catch what he said about that. I could care less about these two.

One more thing I’d like to add – its so lame that The Hills thinks that I am fooled into thinking this is a real fight when I have this, this, this, this, and this to show that they are indeed happy and retarded as ever together.

In the previews for this season (that is just a continuation from last season) we see that Spencer’s sister wants to befriend Lauren – which makes perfect sense. I mean how can you not want to be friends with someone as dynamic, charismatic, and exciting as Lauren? Oh wait.

The Hills SUCKED

Is it me or was last night's episode of The Hills possibly the worst, most boring episode you've ever seen? It was so bad and so boring, I had to multi-task to get through it. I was photoshoping pictures I am going to make into wall art throughout the whole episode. I would look up only when the annoying babbling of commercials would come on and I would fast-forward. Though not sure why.

When did The Hills become about Jason, and Jason's rehab, and Jason's apartment, and Jason's engagement party??? WTF? And Heidi showed up last week with a giant diamond ring which was never addressed. What the crap was the other toy ring Spencer got? I am so confused. Then in yesterday's episode, Spencer had a nearly hospitalizable anxiety attack when talking about the wedding. "Well, get out of my wedding, that's my answer." Ha! There are some major gaps and holes this season.

Lauren was boring as usual, making faces, wide eyes and nodding incessantly. She needs to downgrade her Mercedes Convertible and use the extra money to buy a clue about life. I can't believe this show is about her.

Why am I getting so mad? I think last night's episode really pissed me off...haha.
Anyway, next week they're going to VEGAS! Not even robot Lauren and 'eyes-rolled-to-the-back-of-her-head' Audrina can spoil that! Though from the previews it looks like Audrina gets really upset cause her friends don't like Justin Bobby....yawn.

Thing I would like to see on future episodes of The Hills:

1. A car crash and subsequent face restoration
2. Someone get fired and worry about their money situation
3. Tyra calls Audrina telling her she got accepted to participate in America's Next Top Model
4. Lauren spends a night in the slammer because she's a bad role model, errr...I mean because she drove home intoxicated
5. Lauren gets explosive diarrhea the same time Brody comes to pick her up for a date
6. Heidi looses a finger....her left ring finger...and can't find it for at least 3 episodes

Here's what I worked on...this is a color image that I turned b&w in some parts. The brilliant blue was natural and in no way altered or enhanced.

Heidi Screws the Pooch (in The Hills)

We begin our grand finale in Lauren and Heidi’s living room where Lauren is on the couch reading – and it’s a book this time, which is weird. What could Lauren possibly be reading about? Low carb recipes? The history of chiffon? Anyway, Heidi trots in and Lauren blandly asks, “What are you doing here?” The dynamic between these two is so uncomfortable that I can’t hold still. Lauren is clearly over relationship-Heidi, and Heidi is clearly trying to pretend that everything is still the same as it always has been. Lauren is barely audible and Heidi is bouncing off the walls to overcompensate. Heidi explains that she slept here last night because she and Spencer had a fight. Lauren rolls her eyes and asks what the fight was about. Of course it was the fight we all saw about the living situation and Lauren reminds Heidi that she told Lauren she would never move in with a guy unless they’d been dating for at least two years. Interesting, Heidi never brought that up with Spencer – not that he’d care. Heidi says it’s not like she doesn’t want to live with him – of course she wants to live with him, but she’s living with Lauren and she doesn’t want to just abandon that. Next Lauren actually says something very insightful: “Well don’t let me be your excuse, ‘cause I mean, you don’t even live with me; I live with your stuff.” Bravo, Lauren! Way to call her out on her crap! Heidi just sits there with an idiotic look on her face, but we all know this is exactly the green light she’s been looking for.

"So you're saying you're behind me."

This week’s episode is called “Goodbye For Now,” which gives me grand hopes of a Season 3.

We meet up with Whitney in New York City, where her tumble down the stairs has earned her an interview for her dream job. Emily comes to fetch her in the lobby and take her over to meet with Amy Astley, or A-Squared as I like to call her. Emily does the obligatory chit-chat, how was your flight, are you nervous, you’ll never be me, blah blah blah. Then she dumps Whitney off with A-Squared in her stark white office.

And it’s back to LA where we join Heidi at Bolthouse Productions getting advice from coworkers Elodie and Kristen. A ginourmous thank you goes out to Elodie for finally calling a spade a spade and saying she can’t believe Spencer gave Heidi an ultimatum. Yup, I called it last week. Then Elodie goes on to point out the painfully obvious that still seems to elude Heidi: “I mean, after everything he’s done to you I can’t believe you’re still with him and that you’re even considering moving in with him.” Exactly! We are all with you, Elodie! Kristen asks if there is any part of Heidi that wants to move in with Spencer. I’ll go ahead and say yes – the masochistic part of her is jumping out of its seat. Heidi proves me right again, saying that yes a huge part of her wants to move in with him, but on the other hand, what’s the rush? Excuse me Heidi, but how about on the other hand he’s mean to you, hates your friends, is disrespectful, embarrassing, selfish, ugly, and completely manipulative? No no, just what’s the rush? Heidi wants to know about the first guys Elodie and Kristen ever lived with. Elodie’s never lived with a guy, which tells me she is smart and a strong independent woman. Kristen has lived with every guy she’s ever dated, which may help to explain her weathered look. She says it’s not always a good thing to live with a boyfriend.

"Um, no."

Hmm, I’m getting the sense that these girls are advising Heidi against the big move-in. Heidi just keeps rolling her eyes and saying completely irrelevant things, totally disregarding the warnings. She says it’s one of those decisions where you’ll never know if it’s right or wrong until you do it. Um no, Heidi. A decision that you’ll never know if it’s right or wrong until you do it would involve choosing between a chocolate or a strawberry cake. What you’re doing is comparable to deciding whether or not to stick your fingers in a wood chopper. Everyone is saying don’t do it, but how will you know what life is like with no fingers until you shove your hand down there? At this point, I’m voting for her to do it. She really deserves to lose her fingers for being so incredibly stupid.

Back to the white sanctity of A-Squared’s office, where she tells Whitney that she is looking for a special person to know everything that is happening in LA before it happens. On that note, who are your favorite photographers and designers? My gosh, I thought Whitney was going to have to predict an earthquake or something, not just name off people in fashion. The only name I recognize is YSL, or Yves Saint Laurent, the rest are gibberish to me. Whitney says that these are clothes she obviously can not afford, but just being in their presence is amazing. Really? Let’s try an experiment. I’m going to show you a picture of a YSL item, and you see if you are amazed in its presence. Here we go:

Amazed? Honored? Me too. Seriously. Especially because I found the fabric for $14 on Yahoo shopping as a picnic tablecloth.

Ah well, I guess that dashes my dreams of ever being a Fashion Contributor. Although it would be fun to show up to work in a tablecloth. And Whitney came last week in wallpaper, so I can’t be too far off. The interview ends with A-Squared asking if this is what Whitney really wants to do and she says yes. Wow, brutal interview.

And we’re jumping right back to Bolthouse Productions, where Heidi receives a call on her cell phone from the Douche King himself. Spencer has clearly come in for a post-production session to dub in his voice for this phone call because he is so obviously reading from a script and inserting emphasis on certain words and syllables. I guess the actual conversation was either too hostile or too boring for air time. Kristen and Elodie both know exactly what’s going on and exchange rolls of the eyes and shakes of the head. Spencer orders Heidi to come and meet him because he has a huge surprise for her. My best guess would be teamsters waiting with shackles and clubs to “explain things” to Heidi. Heidi can’t get out of there to go and meet him fast enough. She tells the girls she’s just taking a break and she’ll be right back. Kristen and Elodie react appropriately, shaking heads and rolling eyes again. This time they may be wondering how on earth this girl gets paid the same amount of money as they do to NOT EVER DO ANYTHING at Bolthouse Productions.

"I bet she'll take our advice..."

We discover Spencer sitting on the stairs in front of a fabulous-looking apartment when Heidi pulls up still pretending to be mad. Spencer acts like he never threw her out of the car and gives her a big hug and kiss, but tells her he’s still irritated. They go in to view the surprise, which is a phat apartment with hardwood floors and a skylight. There’s even a flat screen television mounted on the wall in the kitchen. This apartment also comes with that very elusive LA accessory – the refrigerator. Spencer shows Heidi the balcony, from which we can see Le Deux, Blowfish, and Don Antonio’s with binoculars. They’re right off of Sunset Boulevard, which is ludicrously expensive. Good thing Spencer is Heidi’s manager and gets ten percent of her Bolthouse earnings. So let’s get this straight. Heidi has flat-out said NO to moving in together, so the next logical step is to sign a lease? Never underestimate the power of coercion.

"Spencer, I'm really frustrated with you
for not respecting my decision."

Heidi is so full of crap. Her answer was yes all along and Spencer knew it. That’s why it’s so easy for him to manipulate her – she has no boundaries. She never means a thing she says and she can be talked into anything. What a girl. Instead of being extremely confused and insulted by this blatant flinging off of her wishes, Heidi decides this is all a great idea after all and if Spencer pinky-swears that he’ll never hit on another Playmate, she’ll pack up her stuff tonight. Spencer high-fives her when she finally crumbles – so romantic. That’s another point for douchebags everywhere and a humiliating loss for the female gender. Sweet mercy, it’s a commercial break. I have to go shower off the ickiness.

Three showers and I still feel dirty. It’s the next morning now and Heidi arrives home after reuniting with Spencer. Lauren is getting ready to leave for work. Heidi busts the news that not only did she stay with Spencer last night, they made up and she’s moving in with him. Lauren is like, yeah whatever, I’m shocked. Heidi tells her tale like she expects the following reaction: “He surprised you with a gorgeous apartment? That is so sweet! He is such a great boyfriend. You two will be so happy together! I’m so excited for you! What can I do to help? I can’t wait to come and see your new place!” A grand total of zero people react in this way because Spencer has managed to alienate every single person in Heidi’s life and they all think he’s a creep and she’s a huge idiot for being with him. Lauren just says, “You’re moving out? Tell me when so I can find a new roommate.” HA! No celebrations for you, Heidi! Heidi once again tries to act like this is all good news by saying, “That’s exciting – a new roommate who will be here all the time!” Lauren says, “Mm hm.”

"Congratulations! I couldn't be more excited for you!"

And Heidi continues with her lavish descriptions of her beautiful new place. She says that after a hard year this is a good step. Yeah, that makes absolutely no sense. A hard year with a boyfriend certainly does NOT add up to moving in together. Lauren just says she has to go to work and leaves. Celebrate yourself, Heidi. No one else is going to join you – trust me.

Now it’s time for the mirror image of the preceding conversation and this time it’s between Spencer and Brody at Brody’s condo. It finally becomes clear that Spencer is Brody’s roommate and not just squatting there. Brody tells Spencer it’s like he’s getting married. Spencer nips that idea in the bud, saying that in order to get married he’d have to buy a ring, and he ain’t buying no ring! Brody says the first sensible thing to ever accidentally fall out of his mouth: “Why even move in? Why not just keep it the way it is? Live here and just keep seeing her like you are. Why do you have to move in with her?” And now ladies and gentlemen, we have the revelation of Spencer’s true feelings. All his talk of loving Heidi and wanting to be serious, all his talk of being done with the whole single-in-Hollywood thing, all his promises of loyalty and honor – all BS. It all comes down to this: “BECAUSE I DON’T WANT HER LIVING WITH LAUREN!” There it is. He’s rearranging her entire life with himself at the center and everyone else eliminated. What a dreamboat. Are there any more like him where he came from? Brody asks if Spencer will ever be able to hang out with the guys anymore and Spencer instructs him to call the “homeboy phone.” See, there is the girlfriend phone and then the homeboy phone. He insists that he was born a player and that’s not going to change – the opposite of what he pinky-swore Heidi. He then says, “Still the man.” Well I’m convinced, how about you? Brody tells Spencer he’ll “be out of there so fast” and Spencer laughs really loud while slapping his knee.

"I am the puppet master. Dance, Heidi, dance!"

I’m picturing Heidi watching this episode and seeing Spencer’s true intentions revealed. I’m sure she is giggling with him on the couch and playfully slapping his arm, saying he’s so naughty. And Spencer is grinning saying he has to keep his rep with the boys, and he didn’t really mean it, ha ha ha. But if she doesn’t like it, there’s the door. Heidi then giggles and nuzzles, then Spencer gets up to go out, saying he’ll see her tomorrow. Later, slut!

Over in the Teen Vogue closet, Lauren is bored so she decides to call Whitney in New York to complain. She tells Whitney about Heidi’s announcement and then finally remembers to ask Whitney how her interview went. They plan to have dinner tomorrow when Whitney gets back. Thank you for the gratuitous Whitney filler.

Lauren comes home from work to find that when Heidi decides she’s moving out, she is not messing around. Her stuff is all boxed up and spilling out into the hallways of the Hillside Villas. Lauren brilliantly asks, “What are you doing?” See Lauren, Heidi’s moving out – like yesterday. It’s been maybe four hours since Heidi said she was moving and now she’s almost finished. It would be awkward to hang out there any longer, knowing how Lauren feels about everything, but I can’t side with Heidi on anything, she’s just too embarrassing. Heidi announces that she is going to make more of an effort to do Taco Tuesdays with Lauren. Yum, tacos. And today’s Tuesday! I know what I’m having for dinner. In fact, I’m not sure how much further I can get on this recap without a fat taco. I may need to run to Don Antonio’s. Anyway, Lauren makes another grand snotty remark: “But what’s the difference between moving out? You don’t do it now and you live with me.” Well said, Lauren! She can’t even be your friend when her bedroom touches yours, of course you’re never going to see her again now that she’s leaving and Spencer is pulling all of the strings. Lauren tells Heidi that her decision to move in with Spencer may mean that the girls aren’t friends anymore, and she can’t have it both ways. She says the ball is in Heidi’s court about remaining friends, but she’ll just have to see what actually happens. I think she is putting about the right amount of confidence into Heidi’s intentions – meaning none. And I for one am happy to see Heidi go. She’s making us all look bad and she really doesn’t need any more air time. She’s not even from Laguna Beach!

Spencer is outside making sure Heidi doesn’t have a chance to rethink anything. Like I said, it’s only been a matter of hours since Heidi’s decision and he’s already got the U-haul packed and slammed shut. Into the truck, Heidi, we’re leaving! The girls stand on the curb for an uncomfortable goodbye. Lauren says she hopes it all works out (yeah right), but Heidi can always come back if it doesn’t. Heidi just looks confused and says, “Yeah.”

"Wow this isn't awkward at all."

In the truck Spencer notices that Heidi looks miserable and he tells her she won’t regret this – it’s the best decision ever. Obeying me is always the best decision, Heidi, you’ll learn that. Next I’m wondering how many set-ups it took to film that U-haul driving away with Heidi’s tragic face perfectly framed in the side view mirror for Lauren to watch as it drove off into Abusive Boyfriend Land, never to return. Well done, production crew!

Over at Bolthouse Productions, Elodie has a bomb of her own to drop. She’s become a brunette! Well, I guess it’s an improvement over the black roots. Heidi compliments the new do, saying that going brunette is a life-changing experience. And speaking of life-changing, guess what I went and did? I moved in with my douchebag boyfriend! Elodie is dismayed that Heidi didn’t take any of her advice, but Heidi says that she needed the advice to come to her decision. Okay, again Heidi is making no sense. Everyone around you telling you NOT to do something isn’t supposed to help you decide to do it anyway. Oh well, Heidi is cooking dinner tonight – for the first time ever. She giggles, trying again to elicit the “that’s-so-cute” reaction from someone and again failing. Elodie just wants to know if Heidi owns any… what are they called… um… oh yeah, pots and pans. She doesn’t. This should be one tasty dinner! And no one thinks it’s cute, Heidi. In fact, Elodie walks away shaking her head in disbelief once again. Elodie and Kristen are going to bruise their brains with all the head-shaking they have in store now that Heidi has made the move.

"You are the biggest idiot I've ever met.
Seriously. Go make dinner."

Back at Hillside Villas Lauren is coming home to more boxes. She is carrying pizza and champagne. Yum, but surely that pizza must have some carbs… Now we get to meet Lauren’s new roommate – Audrina! Audrina decided it would be a great idea to move her stuff down the hall and into Lauren’s apartment. Well, that’s what Spencer wanted all along, so he wins again! Lauren pops the champagne open, spraying down everything in a six-foot radius and the girls scream and giggle. Pizza for everyone!

Spencer and Heidi are enjoying their empty apartment by lighting some candles and lying on the hardwood floors. Where is Heidi’s pasta? Heidi says she thinks she made the right choice and Spencer tells her once again that his way is always the right way. Ah – here is Heidi’s pasta, and Spencer starts pontificating on why Heidi moving out from Lauren’s place will be good for Lauren. See, Lauren will start missing her, and that can only be a good thing. What, like this is going to teach Lauren to appreciate Heidi? Oh please! I’ve watched close friends make really stupid decisions and the last thing it does is make me appreciate them more. It actually leaves me not knowing what on earth to say to them or discuss with them, now that they’ve chosen to ruin their lives. Spencer decides to bring a little romance to the conversation, claiming that he is still kind of mad at Heidi for taking so long to obey. Heidi finally tells Spencer about her rule of dating for two years before moving in with someone and she ends with, “Don’t make me regret this, Spencer.”

"Uh oh. Do I detect independent thinking?"

Spencer takes this as a little spark of assertiveness he’ll have to stomp out really quick. He pulls out his cell phone.

I REALLY hope this is the last we see of these two bitches.

THE END

Thud! In The Hills

So composed... all the time.

Okay, so we meet up with our heroine and her Conversation Driver back in L-Squared’s office where another something big is about to go down – the Oscars. As such, Vogue is sending its #1 missing editor (editor-at-large) Andre Leon Talley to Los Angeles to host a segment on Good Morning America featuring Oscar dresses. Yawn. This little “piece” has been done every year on so many shows. Yes, I’ve seen Gwyneth Paltrow’s weird pink dress and Hilary Swank’s weird backward dress SO many times. I would only be interested if someone would show up in Vivien Leigh’s dress from the 1940 Oscars because that one is bomb, and no one ever thinks to go back that far. Boo. Anyway, the girls are slated to assist with the “big show” and it’s such a big deal that even Emily the New York intern is flying in to help. Aren’t there enough retards in LA to handle this one? Certainly it isn’t necessary to fly Emily in to hand people shoes. But flying in she is! And she will be modeling a dress because there are also no girls in LA willing to model. Uh hem. Now Whitney requests a moment alone with L-Squared so Lauren flees the scene – literally, she gallops out of there. It turns out that Whitney is about to graduate from college (she’s older?) and she wants to know what possibilities await her in the fabulous fashion world – besides being an unpaid intern, that is. L-Squared lets it be known that there is a job opening up for a “fashion contributor.” How insanely convenient! BUT there are other interns with similar qualifications who will also be applying. I bet one of them has a name that starts with E and rhymes with “semily.”

“Everybody Falls” in this episode, as we all saw on Good Morning America a few weeks ago. Apparently MTV decided to embrace, not ignore Whitney’s highly public blunder.

And we’re right back at Teen Vogue – now in the intern closet, and Whitney is wearing wallpaper.

"Yeah, my mom's redoing the bathroom,
so there was all this extra wallpaper..."

I’m not sure what is up with these girls and their fashion choices recently, but what do I know? I’m not a Teen Vogue intern applying to be a Teen Vogue Fashion Contributor. She gives Lauren the 411 on the job prospect and Lauren says that they’ll have to make Whitney look good. Aw, that’s nice.

You’ve got to be kidding me, we’re heading over to Don Antonio’s now, where Spencer is pumping his arm in a cheering motion for his arriving fajitas. Maybe he’ll make a toast to them. It’s time to recap Lauren’s birthday. Heidi says she had fun and Spencer says it’s ironic that he ended up giving Lauren’s birthday toast. Yes it is, but we have to remember who assigned him that task – it was our favorite brainiac Brody Jenner. That is what happens when decisions are turned over to Brody. Spencer then proclaims that Heidi thought the toast was nice, but it was actually intended to be mean. Well, for what it’s worth, I didn’t think it was nice, and neither did Lauren, according to her thoughts at lunch with Brody. But unlike Spencer, I didn’t see it as an insult cleverly cloaked in compliments; it was just inappropriate and awkward. Heidi shifts gears and tells Spencer that if she were to think about moving in with him (didn’t she already tell Lauren she said no?) that there could be no more “Playmate incidents” or anything like that. Spencer’s response? “How much I love you now compared to where we were at then is from earth to the moon, so I think moving in would be brilliant.” Stupidity of the clichés aside, how long has it possibly been since the Playmate incident? Three weeks? Four? Come on. Only a little longer than it took for astronauts to actually travel from earth to the moon, and that is not long enough to have proven a complete change in behavior. Unless you’re only trying to prove it to Heidi Montag. Spencer asks Heidi in disbelief if she doesn’t trust him. Because he totally trusts her. Yeah, no kidding, idiot. She’s not the one constantly cavorting with people other than you. Like the Playmate incident? That was you, Spencer, not Heidi. You saying you trust her is no incentive for her to trust you, dumbass.

"But I trust you, you stupid whore."

Oh great, now we’re at the Good Morning America fitting and I see the same old, same old. Julia Roberts’ Oscar dress, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Oscar dress, Hilary Swank’s Oscar dress, how very original of Vogue. “Super Emily,” as Lauren calls her, struts in late and deigns to greet the lowly LA interns. Mean Lawren Howell is there, too, bossing everyone around, ordering the girls once again to “eliminate chaos.” Are you listening, Lauren? Everything must appear perfect to Andre. Ugh, this is another thing I hate about the entertainment industry – putting on a “serene show” when a senior person comes around. What’s the big deal? They’re at a fashion fitting. Surely Andre has been to one or two of these and is familiar with the typical atmosphere. But no! We must all be very silent and serene and not let him know that any stress or work took place here. He should think it all magically put itself together just for him. Emily adds to the kiss-ass aura, saying “It’s so exciting. I mean it’s like such a huge thing to be working on.”

"Seriously. You need to realize how
important I am. Even with my lazy eye."

Okay, okay we get it. We are in the presence of greatness and should all bow down. There are Oscar gowns present! And Andre is coming! In fact here he is, and dressed very formally for “such a huge thing” I must say. Which is to say that he is dressed like a bum. Or a spectator at an outdoor winter football game. You be the judge.

"As you were, ladies."

How glamorous. I’m certainly glad the girls eliminated all the chaos for his majesty so his feathers wouldn’t be ruffled. On with the fitting! Lauren hands L-Squared shoes while Whitney snaps Polaroids. Andre makes a huge deal over Lauren when she takes some shoes out of a plastic bag, pointing out that the “little intern” is asserting herself and that is how you get ahead in life. Everyone laughs. Um, condescending much? Lauren squats on the ground to put the shoes on a model’s golden feet. No chaos! When Whitney suggests a particular shoe, Andre notices her and starts asking her very loudly if she is a model. “Aw, shucks, no. I’m just a lowly intern,” or something like that is Whitney’s response. Lauren points out that she did walk in a Teen Vogue show once. Yes, I remember that episode. I really liked Whitney’s makeup. Andre tells Whitney she should be a model and asks her to try something on. L-Squared suggests the white Faye Dunaway dress, but Andre shushes her and orders the Sophia Loren dress. Ha! L-Squared will always be known as the girl who suggested the white Faye Dunaway dress. Andre changes his mind and orders Lauren to bring Whitney the Hilary Swank dress. He then starts talking about how Whitney has that “television face.” Yes in fact, that’s why she’s on television Andre, or didn’t you notice the MTV cameras following her around? No chaos! Here we have a very well-timed Emily sigh. She does not like another intern in the spotlight. She knows what dahlias are. Andre sees Whitney in the backward blue dress and proclaims that she is going on the show. Emily craps herself. L-Squared says, “Good Morning America, Whitney.” Thank you, Captain Obvious. (And thank you, Noix de Coco.)

Next we visit Brody’s condo, where Spencer and Heidi are inexplicably hanging out without Brody. And that wouldn’t be so weird except that it’s morning and Heidi is getting ready for work and can’t find her shoes. So what, they slept there? Okay, whatever, who am I to question these things? It looks like Spencer is checking his MySpace, so he can’t be bothered with silly things like Heidi missing her shoes – especially because if she would just submit and move in with him, her shoes wouldn’t be lost, they’d be right there in the closet. Spencer waves Heidi off and tells her they will talk later. When a still-shoeless Heidi demands to know what he means by that, Spencer launches once again into his whine-fest about Heidi moving in. You see, he’s done the whole “single-Hollywood-thing” and he’s ready to get serious. If Heidi’s not ready, then she can take off. Heidi questions whether her being serious equals moving in and taking it to the next level. Spencer claims that it’s not about taking it to the next level, but that Heidi’s living with Lauren is ruining their relationship (this again?) and that moving in together will solve everything. He hates Lauren so bad that he would rather Heidi lived alone. Heidi sarcastically suggests that Spencer just decide her living arrangements and let her know later, to which Spencer very seriously responds that he’s already decided her living arrangements. And if Heidi isn’t going to play ball, she should tell him so he can get out.

"I mean it. You're on shaky ground, ho."

Heidi stammers around a little bit. “It’s like, it’s not fair, it’s like, if I don’t…” Yeah, I think the word you’re looking for, Heidi, is ultimatum, and I can’t resist here quoting the Random House Unabridged Dictionary definition of that word, as found on dictionary.com:

A final, uncompromising demand or set of terms issued by a party to a dispute, the rejection of which may lead to a severance of relations or to the use of force.

I’m glad Heidi isn’t caving easily, but I’m also furious at her for not pointing out his tactics. What’s also interesting is this: isn’t it usually the needy female putting ultimatums to the male? We get engaged by Christmas or we break up. We move in together in the next month or it’s over. I thought guys avoided any semblance of commitment at all costs. But here is Spencer, once again the poster-boy for the abusive boyfriend, ordering Heidi to fall in or get lost. Here’s another thing: Why would Spencer want to live with a hostage? That’s my dream – bullying someone into being with me. But of course, I keep thinking in normal-people-terms and forgetting that Spencer’s ultimatum has serious ulterior motives. I can’t believe Heidi is still entertaining this. Wait, yes I can.

Over to the Good Morning America shoot, where Whitney and Emily are in hair and makeup and Lauren is in the lowly-intern section looking on. It looks like only four models will be showcasing Oscar dresses after all the fuss at the fitting. And the first one looks like a concentration camp victim, for reals.

Freaky...

Anyway, we’ve all seen this – if you haven’t seen it, click here – and what happens is that the girls just have to walk down some stairs and then stand there while Andre points out the special features on each dress. Easy enough, right? Well, just as they reach the last stair, there is the sound of a muffled thud – or the sound a model makes when falling down carpeted stairs, and Whitney disappears from the picture. That’s right – Whitney falls right on her butt on live television. Horror.

The thud heard round the world.

She pops right back up and poses nicely while Andre shows her bare back – see Hilary Swank thought she would be chilly, so she wore a long sleeved dress… with no back. Poor Whitney is mortified, but she manages to hold it together for the cameras.

"In through the nose, out through the mouth..."

Then Emily is just a little too happy about the fact that she’s not the one who fell.

"Oh, that's a shame. Hee hee."

As soon as the cameras stop, Andre is very nice to Whitney, telling her it’s fine and a great way to begin her career. So funny that when you’re just an intern, the slightest mistake means that your entire livelihood is in jeopardy, but when you’re a model the mistakes you make are cute. Whitney scurries away and Lauren runs after her to comfort her, which actually prompts the tears to really come (ladies, we know this feeling), and even Emily says something sort of not-mean to try to make her feel better. There’s really no getting around what happened – it sucks. And it was live on Good Morning America. Now if it had been Heidi who fell, it would have been the funniest thing ever, but since Whitney is actually not evil, I do feel bad that she’s embarrassed. What can you do? On the upside, her hair looks awesome.

How is this done?

Back from commercial, L-Squared has Whitney in her office to discuss the shoot. She tells Whitney not to worry, she did a great job and it was really impressive. Okay, I do have Whitney’s (bare) back on this one, but it wasn’t impressive. There’s nothing impressive about a model falling. Amusing and entertaining – yes, especially when it’s Naomi Campbell, but impressive – no. L-Squared then says it was endearing, which is more accurate. Speaking of the evil supermodel, Amy Astley has sent Whitney a note saying that even Naomi Campbell fell on the runway, so she’s in great company. That actually is really nice. Even Anna Wintour called to say what a fantastic job Whitney did. Alright already, we get it. Falling on TV when you’re a model is adorable. I have to point out, however, that no one sent Lauren a note when she arrived late to a set-up last season to say that even supermodels arrive late, so she’s in good company. See what I mean? Next L-Squared tells Whitney that it would be a really good idea for her to fly to New York and meet with Amy Astley about the Fashion Contributor job. They really want to keep Whitney in the family. Wow, Whitney should fall on her butt more often.

And it’s lunchtime with Audrina, where Whitney drives the entire conversation, regaling Audrina with her tumbling tale. Once the girls have sufficiently comforted her again, Whitney explains to Audrina about the Fashion Contributor job. It’s still fuzzy what this job actually is, except to say that Whitney would be the head of all the interns. Lauren jerks up at this news.

"What? My boss?"

Apparently she didn’t realize that this was a facet of Whitney’s prospective job, and apparently she still plans on being an intern next year. While it’s clear that Lauren finds this potentially awkward, she declares that she would much rather report to Whitney than Emily. In fact, if she had to report to Emily she would quit. Well, drastic times, you know…

Last stop for this episode is Bolthouse Productions, where Heidi is busy reading Blender and answering her cell phone. Spencer is calling from the back alley. Oh no, another back alley scene? This is the site of the notorious pregnancy test-off. Heidi gets right up and trots outside – her job is so demanding. Spencer is pouting in the car. Great, here we go again with the hostage crisis. Spencer wants to go to the next level. Heidi says it’s not about going to the next level. Funny, they each said the exact opposite thing in their last conversation. Seriously. Scroll back up and see for yourself.

"No, I said that. No I didn't. Whatever, I'm right."

Anyway, Heidi is getting pretty adamant about just not being ready for all this right now and Spencer is remaining pretty adamant about forcing Heidi to comply. It’s the same argument as before except that this time they’re yelling. I have to marvel again at just how undesirable Spencer is as a boyfriend. This is like my worst nightmare. Heidi finally puts an end to the fight saying, “All right, well, my answer is no.” Spencer responds very maturely and lovingly saying, “Sweet, my answer is get out of my car.” Oh, in that case, I’d love to move in with you! Heidi jumps out and slams the door, then does her little hip-swiveling walk in fast motion back toward the building while Spencer squeals away. Lovely. Heidi is such a lucky girl!

Next week: Heidi moves in with Spencer. I give up.

What do you think about all this?