Heidi Screws the Pooch (in The Hills)

We begin our grand finale in Lauren and Heidi’s living room where Lauren is on the couch reading – and it’s a book this time, which is weird. What could Lauren possibly be reading about? Low carb recipes? The history of chiffon? Anyway, Heidi trots in and Lauren blandly asks, “What are you doing here?” The dynamic between these two is so uncomfortable that I can’t hold still. Lauren is clearly over relationship-Heidi, and Heidi is clearly trying to pretend that everything is still the same as it always has been. Lauren is barely audible and Heidi is bouncing off the walls to overcompensate. Heidi explains that she slept here last night because she and Spencer had a fight. Lauren rolls her eyes and asks what the fight was about. Of course it was the fight we all saw about the living situation and Lauren reminds Heidi that she told Lauren she would never move in with a guy unless they’d been dating for at least two years. Interesting, Heidi never brought that up with Spencer – not that he’d care. Heidi says it’s not like she doesn’t want to live with him – of course she wants to live with him, but she’s living with Lauren and she doesn’t want to just abandon that. Next Lauren actually says something very insightful: “Well don’t let me be your excuse, ‘cause I mean, you don’t even live with me; I live with your stuff.” Bravo, Lauren! Way to call her out on her crap! Heidi just sits there with an idiotic look on her face, but we all know this is exactly the green light she’s been looking for.

"So you're saying you're behind me."

This week’s episode is called “Goodbye For Now,” which gives me grand hopes of a Season 3.

We meet up with Whitney in New York City, where her tumble down the stairs has earned her an interview for her dream job. Emily comes to fetch her in the lobby and take her over to meet with Amy Astley, or A-Squared as I like to call her. Emily does the obligatory chit-chat, how was your flight, are you nervous, you’ll never be me, blah blah blah. Then she dumps Whitney off with A-Squared in her stark white office.

And it’s back to LA where we join Heidi at Bolthouse Productions getting advice from coworkers Elodie and Kristen. A ginourmous thank you goes out to Elodie for finally calling a spade a spade and saying she can’t believe Spencer gave Heidi an ultimatum. Yup, I called it last week. Then Elodie goes on to point out the painfully obvious that still seems to elude Heidi: “I mean, after everything he’s done to you I can’t believe you’re still with him and that you’re even considering moving in with him.” Exactly! We are all with you, Elodie! Kristen asks if there is any part of Heidi that wants to move in with Spencer. I’ll go ahead and say yes – the masochistic part of her is jumping out of its seat. Heidi proves me right again, saying that yes a huge part of her wants to move in with him, but on the other hand, what’s the rush? Excuse me Heidi, but how about on the other hand he’s mean to you, hates your friends, is disrespectful, embarrassing, selfish, ugly, and completely manipulative? No no, just what’s the rush? Heidi wants to know about the first guys Elodie and Kristen ever lived with. Elodie’s never lived with a guy, which tells me she is smart and a strong independent woman. Kristen has lived with every guy she’s ever dated, which may help to explain her weathered look. She says it’s not always a good thing to live with a boyfriend.

"Um, no."

Hmm, I’m getting the sense that these girls are advising Heidi against the big move-in. Heidi just keeps rolling her eyes and saying completely irrelevant things, totally disregarding the warnings. She says it’s one of those decisions where you’ll never know if it’s right or wrong until you do it. Um no, Heidi. A decision that you’ll never know if it’s right or wrong until you do it would involve choosing between a chocolate or a strawberry cake. What you’re doing is comparable to deciding whether or not to stick your fingers in a wood chopper. Everyone is saying don’t do it, but how will you know what life is like with no fingers until you shove your hand down there? At this point, I’m voting for her to do it. She really deserves to lose her fingers for being so incredibly stupid.

Back to the white sanctity of A-Squared’s office, where she tells Whitney that she is looking for a special person to know everything that is happening in LA before it happens. On that note, who are your favorite photographers and designers? My gosh, I thought Whitney was going to have to predict an earthquake or something, not just name off people in fashion. The only name I recognize is YSL, or Yves Saint Laurent, the rest are gibberish to me. Whitney says that these are clothes she obviously can not afford, but just being in their presence is amazing. Really? Let’s try an experiment. I’m going to show you a picture of a YSL item, and you see if you are amazed in its presence. Here we go:

Amazed? Honored? Me too. Seriously. Especially because I found the fabric for $14 on Yahoo shopping as a picnic tablecloth.

Ah well, I guess that dashes my dreams of ever being a Fashion Contributor. Although it would be fun to show up to work in a tablecloth. And Whitney came last week in wallpaper, so I can’t be too far off. The interview ends with A-Squared asking if this is what Whitney really wants to do and she says yes. Wow, brutal interview.

And we’re jumping right back to Bolthouse Productions, where Heidi receives a call on her cell phone from the Douche King himself. Spencer has clearly come in for a post-production session to dub in his voice for this phone call because he is so obviously reading from a script and inserting emphasis on certain words and syllables. I guess the actual conversation was either too hostile or too boring for air time. Kristen and Elodie both know exactly what’s going on and exchange rolls of the eyes and shakes of the head. Spencer orders Heidi to come and meet him because he has a huge surprise for her. My best guess would be teamsters waiting with shackles and clubs to “explain things” to Heidi. Heidi can’t get out of there to go and meet him fast enough. She tells the girls she’s just taking a break and she’ll be right back. Kristen and Elodie react appropriately, shaking heads and rolling eyes again. This time they may be wondering how on earth this girl gets paid the same amount of money as they do to NOT EVER DO ANYTHING at Bolthouse Productions.

"I bet she'll take our advice..."

We discover Spencer sitting on the stairs in front of a fabulous-looking apartment when Heidi pulls up still pretending to be mad. Spencer acts like he never threw her out of the car and gives her a big hug and kiss, but tells her he’s still irritated. They go in to view the surprise, which is a phat apartment with hardwood floors and a skylight. There’s even a flat screen television mounted on the wall in the kitchen. This apartment also comes with that very elusive LA accessory – the refrigerator. Spencer shows Heidi the balcony, from which we can see Le Deux, Blowfish, and Don Antonio’s with binoculars. They’re right off of Sunset Boulevard, which is ludicrously expensive. Good thing Spencer is Heidi’s manager and gets ten percent of her Bolthouse earnings. So let’s get this straight. Heidi has flat-out said NO to moving in together, so the next logical step is to sign a lease? Never underestimate the power of coercion.

"Spencer, I'm really frustrated with you
for not respecting my decision."

Heidi is so full of crap. Her answer was yes all along and Spencer knew it. That’s why it’s so easy for him to manipulate her – she has no boundaries. She never means a thing she says and she can be talked into anything. What a girl. Instead of being extremely confused and insulted by this blatant flinging off of her wishes, Heidi decides this is all a great idea after all and if Spencer pinky-swears that he’ll never hit on another Playmate, she’ll pack up her stuff tonight. Spencer high-fives her when she finally crumbles – so romantic. That’s another point for douchebags everywhere and a humiliating loss for the female gender. Sweet mercy, it’s a commercial break. I have to go shower off the ickiness.

Three showers and I still feel dirty. It’s the next morning now and Heidi arrives home after reuniting with Spencer. Lauren is getting ready to leave for work. Heidi busts the news that not only did she stay with Spencer last night, they made up and she’s moving in with him. Lauren is like, yeah whatever, I’m shocked. Heidi tells her tale like she expects the following reaction: “He surprised you with a gorgeous apartment? That is so sweet! He is such a great boyfriend. You two will be so happy together! I’m so excited for you! What can I do to help? I can’t wait to come and see your new place!” A grand total of zero people react in this way because Spencer has managed to alienate every single person in Heidi’s life and they all think he’s a creep and she’s a huge idiot for being with him. Lauren just says, “You’re moving out? Tell me when so I can find a new roommate.” HA! No celebrations for you, Heidi! Heidi once again tries to act like this is all good news by saying, “That’s exciting – a new roommate who will be here all the time!” Lauren says, “Mm hm.”

"Congratulations! I couldn't be more excited for you!"

And Heidi continues with her lavish descriptions of her beautiful new place. She says that after a hard year this is a good step. Yeah, that makes absolutely no sense. A hard year with a boyfriend certainly does NOT add up to moving in together. Lauren just says she has to go to work and leaves. Celebrate yourself, Heidi. No one else is going to join you – trust me.

Now it’s time for the mirror image of the preceding conversation and this time it’s between Spencer and Brody at Brody’s condo. It finally becomes clear that Spencer is Brody’s roommate and not just squatting there. Brody tells Spencer it’s like he’s getting married. Spencer nips that idea in the bud, saying that in order to get married he’d have to buy a ring, and he ain’t buying no ring! Brody says the first sensible thing to ever accidentally fall out of his mouth: “Why even move in? Why not just keep it the way it is? Live here and just keep seeing her like you are. Why do you have to move in with her?” And now ladies and gentlemen, we have the revelation of Spencer’s true feelings. All his talk of loving Heidi and wanting to be serious, all his talk of being done with the whole single-in-Hollywood thing, all his promises of loyalty and honor – all BS. It all comes down to this: “BECAUSE I DON’T WANT HER LIVING WITH LAUREN!” There it is. He’s rearranging her entire life with himself at the center and everyone else eliminated. What a dreamboat. Are there any more like him where he came from? Brody asks if Spencer will ever be able to hang out with the guys anymore and Spencer instructs him to call the “homeboy phone.” See, there is the girlfriend phone and then the homeboy phone. He insists that he was born a player and that’s not going to change – the opposite of what he pinky-swore Heidi. He then says, “Still the man.” Well I’m convinced, how about you? Brody tells Spencer he’ll “be out of there so fast” and Spencer laughs really loud while slapping his knee.

"I am the puppet master. Dance, Heidi, dance!"

I’m picturing Heidi watching this episode and seeing Spencer’s true intentions revealed. I’m sure she is giggling with him on the couch and playfully slapping his arm, saying he’s so naughty. And Spencer is grinning saying he has to keep his rep with the boys, and he didn’t really mean it, ha ha ha. But if she doesn’t like it, there’s the door. Heidi then giggles and nuzzles, then Spencer gets up to go out, saying he’ll see her tomorrow. Later, slut!

Over in the Teen Vogue closet, Lauren is bored so she decides to call Whitney in New York to complain. She tells Whitney about Heidi’s announcement and then finally remembers to ask Whitney how her interview went. They plan to have dinner tomorrow when Whitney gets back. Thank you for the gratuitous Whitney filler.

Lauren comes home from work to find that when Heidi decides she’s moving out, she is not messing around. Her stuff is all boxed up and spilling out into the hallways of the Hillside Villas. Lauren brilliantly asks, “What are you doing?” See Lauren, Heidi’s moving out – like yesterday. It’s been maybe four hours since Heidi said she was moving and now she’s almost finished. It would be awkward to hang out there any longer, knowing how Lauren feels about everything, but I can’t side with Heidi on anything, she’s just too embarrassing. Heidi announces that she is going to make more of an effort to do Taco Tuesdays with Lauren. Yum, tacos. And today’s Tuesday! I know what I’m having for dinner. In fact, I’m not sure how much further I can get on this recap without a fat taco. I may need to run to Don Antonio’s. Anyway, Lauren makes another grand snotty remark: “But what’s the difference between moving out? You don’t do it now and you live with me.” Well said, Lauren! She can’t even be your friend when her bedroom touches yours, of course you’re never going to see her again now that she’s leaving and Spencer is pulling all of the strings. Lauren tells Heidi that her decision to move in with Spencer may mean that the girls aren’t friends anymore, and she can’t have it both ways. She says the ball is in Heidi’s court about remaining friends, but she’ll just have to see what actually happens. I think she is putting about the right amount of confidence into Heidi’s intentions – meaning none. And I for one am happy to see Heidi go. She’s making us all look bad and she really doesn’t need any more air time. She’s not even from Laguna Beach!

Spencer is outside making sure Heidi doesn’t have a chance to rethink anything. Like I said, it’s only been a matter of hours since Heidi’s decision and he’s already got the U-haul packed and slammed shut. Into the truck, Heidi, we’re leaving! The girls stand on the curb for an uncomfortable goodbye. Lauren says she hopes it all works out (yeah right), but Heidi can always come back if it doesn’t. Heidi just looks confused and says, “Yeah.”

"Wow this isn't awkward at all."

In the truck Spencer notices that Heidi looks miserable and he tells her she won’t regret this – it’s the best decision ever. Obeying me is always the best decision, Heidi, you’ll learn that. Next I’m wondering how many set-ups it took to film that U-haul driving away with Heidi’s tragic face perfectly framed in the side view mirror for Lauren to watch as it drove off into Abusive Boyfriend Land, never to return. Well done, production crew!

Over at Bolthouse Productions, Elodie has a bomb of her own to drop. She’s become a brunette! Well, I guess it’s an improvement over the black roots. Heidi compliments the new do, saying that going brunette is a life-changing experience. And speaking of life-changing, guess what I went and did? I moved in with my douchebag boyfriend! Elodie is dismayed that Heidi didn’t take any of her advice, but Heidi says that she needed the advice to come to her decision. Okay, again Heidi is making no sense. Everyone around you telling you NOT to do something isn’t supposed to help you decide to do it anyway. Oh well, Heidi is cooking dinner tonight – for the first time ever. She giggles, trying again to elicit the “that’s-so-cute” reaction from someone and again failing. Elodie just wants to know if Heidi owns any… what are they called… um… oh yeah, pots and pans. She doesn’t. This should be one tasty dinner! And no one thinks it’s cute, Heidi. In fact, Elodie walks away shaking her head in disbelief once again. Elodie and Kristen are going to bruise their brains with all the head-shaking they have in store now that Heidi has made the move.

"You are the biggest idiot I've ever met.
Seriously. Go make dinner."

Back at Hillside Villas Lauren is coming home to more boxes. She is carrying pizza and champagne. Yum, but surely that pizza must have some carbs… Now we get to meet Lauren’s new roommate – Audrina! Audrina decided it would be a great idea to move her stuff down the hall and into Lauren’s apartment. Well, that’s what Spencer wanted all along, so he wins again! Lauren pops the champagne open, spraying down everything in a six-foot radius and the girls scream and giggle. Pizza for everyone!

Spencer and Heidi are enjoying their empty apartment by lighting some candles and lying on the hardwood floors. Where is Heidi’s pasta? Heidi says she thinks she made the right choice and Spencer tells her once again that his way is always the right way. Ah – here is Heidi’s pasta, and Spencer starts pontificating on why Heidi moving out from Lauren’s place will be good for Lauren. See, Lauren will start missing her, and that can only be a good thing. What, like this is going to teach Lauren to appreciate Heidi? Oh please! I’ve watched close friends make really stupid decisions and the last thing it does is make me appreciate them more. It actually leaves me not knowing what on earth to say to them or discuss with them, now that they’ve chosen to ruin their lives. Spencer decides to bring a little romance to the conversation, claiming that he is still kind of mad at Heidi for taking so long to obey. Heidi finally tells Spencer about her rule of dating for two years before moving in with someone and she ends with, “Don’t make me regret this, Spencer.”

"Uh oh. Do I detect independent thinking?"

Spencer takes this as a little spark of assertiveness he’ll have to stomp out really quick. He pulls out his cell phone.

I REALLY hope this is the last we see of these two bitches.

THE END