Models of the Runway: We Have A Winner!

Guess who LOVES winning!

Well here we are after just having watched Irina be crowned the winner of Project Runway Season 6. Before her parents even came onstage crying everyone knew that this means Kalyn also wins for accidentally ending up as Irina's final model - her "muse model" as it were.

"Good job showing up, honey!"

"I love you, mom!"

So CONGRATULATIONS Kalyn! You were born pretty, modeling fell into your lap, you got cast on the show, you love everything, and you ended up modeling for the winner. Well done, you.

Cheetos and Delta Burke actually take the news quite graciously and congratulate their designers on all their success both now and in the future. Hooray!

"Those stupid fugly ho's! What are the judges thinking?!"

For the next 20 minutes, Heidi recaps the first season of Models of the Runway, but I've already done that, a week at a time, so I'm going to go ahead and call it a night.

"Hey Kalyn, sit down. Let's talk about every day since you got here!"

As for a Season 2...? Unless Lifetime decides to do some MAJOR tweaking on the premise of this behind-the-scenes look at the models' experience, I'm not even sure it will warrant recapping. Most of the episodes consisted of either: fretting, tangential outings, stories of modeling for the good of your children, fretting, minimal bickering, and fretting. None of this information was interesting or necessary for enjoying Project Runway. It was kinda nice to be able to at least feel a little sense of knowing the models when it was finale time, but that could have been accomplished in one half-hour special sometime during the last two weeks. All in all, it was a cool idea that fell into totally boring incompetent hands. And this is coming from someone who LOVES reality shows about modeling. Seriously Lifetime. Get a clue.

And to you, my beloved readers who managed to stick with me to the bitter end - all of my love! No matter how dumb the show, I always love reading your comments and giggling about the silliness of it all. It's been a pleasure! I hope to see you soon, as my next adventure takes me to MTV and their latest nightmare, "Jersey Shore." Trashfest! Orange skin, spiky hair and grating nasally voices. I'm in!

This girl and her hair will try to find mates.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: Models have Moms!

And some who are younger than the models!

Moments before... the three Project Runway finalists received the non-surprise that they will have to design a 13th look for their collections at the very last minute! Our Models of the Runway - Delta, Cheetos and Kalyn - all react like they just saw a soap bubble popping.

"I totally didn't see that coming!"

After the initial shock wears off, Kalyn announces that she is really excited about it actually. Well there is surprise number two for the episode - and we're still only in the first minute! Then Tim goes on to announce that each designer's "muse model" (I guess that's their new honored title) will be casting the 13th model to wear the 13th look. Too many 13s. It doesn't sit well. Delta Burke tells us that she's never been a casting director before.

Something else she's never done? Read.

This is the most responsibility any of these girls has ever had! Will it be too much for them to handle?

To begin the process we have a grand meeting of the designers and their "muse models" to go over the random models who have already been cast. And no, none of them are the lost sisters from this beloved series. As several of you pointed out - and as I had also pondered - each designer needs 13 models for the Bryant Park show. And really we can't use any of the girls who've been eliminated? Apparently not. The producers have decided to add more suspense by quickly hiring at the eleventh hour new models who may or may not have any experience and who may or may not even be available for the show.

After her mini-meeting with Althea, Cheetos says, "She wants a girl that has the same body shape as me - hee. And my height - hee. And walks like me - hee." Oh get over yourself. It's called a "collection" for a reason. Sameness is actually desirable in this case and not JUST a tribute to your overall perfection. Carol Hannah wants a girl who looks like a fairy and doesn't have short hair. Irina wants someone happy looking to counterbalance herself.

Heidi time! Heidi wants to know what the models think about the collections.

Any guesses as to what Heidi thinks?

Cheetos thinks Althea's stuff is totally new and different, Delta Burke is totally impressed that Carol Hannah knows how to sew pants, and Kalyn LOVES Irina's stuff. Now about this upcoming casting session. All Heidi says is, "Have any of you ever walked at Bryant Park before?" Thanks for the casting tips, Heidi. The girls head over to their hotel room and sit around discussing how excited and nervous they are. They all seem to think their own designers are going to win, which really doesn't mean anything, so oh well.

It looks like a dozen or so girls show up for the model casting. The first few girls come in, walk back and forth, and are pretty underwhelming. Cheetos giggles heartily when one model swings her arm around all weird as she paces around for them.

"Ugh. Where did these novices learn to walk?"

Another girl admits that she's only been modeling for three weeks. Be gone with you! No newcomer is going to bust in on this parade and cut straight to the front of the Bryant Park line. You hit the streets and do some time before trying to walk THIS show, sweetie. After several obvious failures, a blonde girl walks in and takes Delta Burke's breath away. She's tall, she's willowy, she looks just like a fairy - she's perfect! Would she happen to be available this afternoon? The girl can barely speak English and instructs Delta to call her agency.

What is your name? Call agency.

She doesn't know her own schedule, sheesh! There is an entire staff of people who make their livelihood by waking models up in the morning and sending them around Manhattan one instruction at a time. What would they have left to do if she knew herself what she was doing this afternoon?

The next miracle occurs when Cheetos spots a Korean version of herself and decides she'll be perfect for Althea's collection. She blurts out a triumphant, "She's ethnic!" Good eyes there, Cheetos.

Ethnic Cheetos

And finally Kalyn spots a leggy redhead she is certain will be the perfect highlight of Irina's show - next to herself, of course. Delta hits a bump in the road when she discovers her blonde model's agency has already booked her for this afternoon (and yet sent her on this call anyway). She has to settle for a second choice who may not be as fairy-like and she almost gives herself an ulcer fretting over it. In the next scene the "muse models" present the random models they have selected for their designers and we get to watch them walk back and forth again. Kalyn introduces her pick by saying, "She's like, a redhead."

"And I LOVE redheads."

Delta falls all over herself trying to explain that her first choice was double-booked, but this second choice is thin and tall. And just how does that set her apart from any other model?

It doesn't, as it turns out.

Well everyone can breathe a big sigh of relief because all the designers love the new models. As I'm watching these girls pace around the room I am wondering if there is a law somewhere that models have to look like they just crawled out from under a rock when they go on their casting calls, or "go-sees" as Tyra Banks taught me. Every one of these girls look like their hair hasn't seen a brush in decades and they've never even heard of makeup. Something else I learned from Tyra is that the models are supposed to present themselves as a blank slate for the designers to work with, which I get - I mean, you wouldn't want to come in wearing some Hawaiian print and purple eye shadow up to your brows, but is it really too much to ask that they shower? I mean, natural beauty only goes so far ladies. Then there is personal hygiene.

Now here comes a new and interesting twist - we are going to meet families! Delta's mom and grandma pop in to wish her well and her mom looks like she's about 30. Then her grandma looks 45. Delta practically looks older than the both of them! Delta tells us that she grew up in Kentucky and was raised by her mom and grandma, who kept giving her money when she decided to try her hand at modeling.

Aw, Baby Delta.

Well that explains why this is the first show they've seen her in. They had to wait for a network to pay their travel costs because they were too busy working three jobs each to keep Delta running around town on her go-sees.

Next through the door is Kalyn's mom who looks just like Kalyn and is just as excited as Kalyn about everything. Kalyn tells us about her sad childhood in Texas where she was always really skinny and never good at sports, but she liked performing, so she decided to be a model!

This photo creeps me out. It's an adult head on a child body. AKA, a model.

Here's a shocker: Kalyn didn't go to college.

And finally, both of Cheetos' parents and her brother show up to pay their respects.

Another ethnic Cheetos!

We learn that when Cheetos was 15 some woman came up to her and asked if she wanted to be a model. Okay, that also happened to me in high school and I'm 5'3". These retards are everywhere asking people if they want to be models. One time a guy handed my roommate his card on the street and told her he's looking for models. She's 5'10" so in her case there was actually some plausibility, but she was smart enough to google his name and the very first entry that came up was about him being involved in a modeling scam. We had many laughs about that one and even sent him an email, advising him to at least choose a pseudonym while he was being prosecuted. Whatevs, my point is that rarely does some random stranger come up to you and launch you a legitimate career. It cracks me up when famous people say they were discovered that way. And so much for the legions of hopefuls streaming into New York everyday knocking on doors and begging for modeling jobs. Just stand on the corner long enough and someone will promise you a modeling career in exchange for lots and lots of money.

Later the "muse models" all bring their families together to meet each other and toast to the girls in question. Lots of warm fuzzy feelings.

Which of these gentlemen is the caption for?

Then the girls head off to take a good look at the runway they will be walking down tomorrow in the grand finale (as opposed to the demi-finale we're getting tonight). It's super big - the runway I mean.

Next time Heidi talks to the girls about making different faces and then the girls nervously await the crowning of the Project Runway winner, which will in turn determine which of them wins as well. I can't imagine how anticlimactic it's going to be, but what choice do we have? See you then!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: Double Stick Tape Gate

"Does the word 'residue' mean anything to you?"

Moments before Models of the Runway... Logan has YET AGAIN designed something fugly and landed himself in the bottom. This time Kojii is all bedazzled out in zippers decorating a black and white Judy Jetson outfit. It was meant to be a companion piece to a "good" outfit he made:

Well maybe companion pieces in the "random fug" collection.

Heidi describes the look as "too tricked out," but really it's just stupid. Gordana is also in the bottom for a much less ridiculous outfit, but the judges didn't like hers either. I actually like this one better than Gordana's winning outfit - this one's a jacket with cute details around the waist, but for some unexplained reason the judges don't like it.

So one is ridiculous and one is... not?

The judging is so random this season so there's no point in trying to figure it out. The good news is that after MANY fugly entries and zero wins, Logan is finally OUT. Aufwiedersehen, sucker! Kojii's like, "oh crap, none of the other designers even know who I am." How does this bode for our Irish lass?

Cheetos comes backstage to congratulate Althea, who won for making pants that no one in their right mind would wear. If you can imagine pants that are designed to flatter the female figure, think of exactly the opposite of that and you have Althea's "paper bag" pants.

Oh if only I could make my hips look wider and my legs look shorter!

They poof around your hips and thighs and I believe that Malvin was eliminated way back for making pants shaped like this and saying that they deliberately make a woman look like she has chicken legs. See what I mean about the judging this season? Anyway Cheetos tells Althea how much fun she's having wearing her cool designs and totally working it on the runway.

Meanwhile Mater is totally offended that Gordana pointed out on the runway that she has a lot of hair and Gordana didn't want that hair to pull focus from her design. Watching Gordana talk, it didn't really sound like an insult so much as pointing out a fact, but Mater takes it personally and fears that this may mean elimination. And here comes Logan in his silver pants to say goodbye. The girls are all devastated to be losing such a hottie (?) because he is a "genuine human being" as Katie tells us. A genuine human being who had little business on Project Runway, however.

Time to retire the winning silver pants.

Heidi time! Heidi wants to know the models' thoughts on the latest challenge. Cheetos LOVED it! But totally not because her designer won or anything. Heidi wants to know if Kojii is worried now that Logan is gone. Yes Heidi, everyone is worried... except Cheetos. Mater whines about her hair again and Heidi tells them that they're all doing a fantastic job. Particularly Kojii, who stood on the runway in total crap and sold it like a staaah. We get a little flashback and Heidi's right. Kojii stood there proudly the whole time.

Making Heidi proud.

And now for today's scandal. It seems that Kalyn's dress (courtesy of Irina) had quite a bit of trouble staying up on her chest over her boobs, so Kalyn asked around and found some double stick tape to help cover her goodies. Then a production assistant burst into the model holding tank and told her she HAD to take it off because it gave her designer an unfair advantage, and someone else had to take theirs off last week, so there's that too. It's so funny. They can use hot glue guns, but when it comes to double stick tape that's where they draw the line? I guess Irina should have (and could have) hot glued the dress to Kalyn's boobs.

Time for the decision of a lifetime, Kalyn.

SIDEBAR: double stick clothing tape is a miracle. And not just for going-out clothes. I personally own button down shirts that exist permanently double stick taped closed so they don't bubble all up when I sit down. I have also used it as Kalyn tried to do in this challenge - where the outfit is on my body only in theory and would be on the floor if not for the aid of the double stick tape. Just be careful if the fabric is sparkly because that is some strong stuff, which leads me to my next point. Residue. When using that tape to keep fabric on your body, it is impossible to come completely off of your skin without the aid of a shower or at least some rubbing alcohol. So Katie's upcoming tantrum really rubs me the wrong way.

"I have something to get off my chest. And it's NOT residue!"

Back in the holding tank Katie sits down and slumps into a totally pissed off position. Cheetos asks her what that is all about and Katie decides to out with everything. "Kalyn, you used tape on your boobs. You were told four times you weren't supposed to use tape. And if you make it to finals I'm going to be pissed." Well! This is the most exciting thing to happen since Fat Ma has been in the house! An accusation! Kalyn is a cheater! Kalyn insists that she took it off after she was instructed to do so, but Katie says she saw it on her boob. Here's where my experience with residue comes in. It's totally possible that the dress stuck to the residue. Kalyn says over and over, "I took it off." But Katie just keeps saying she doesn't believe her. Someone's a sore loser. I thought Katie was going to take all of this out on Christopher. That was her plan last week, anyway - to give Christopher a piece of her mind. But this week all she can do is lash out at invisible tape. Personally I believe Kalyn. She's too innocent and naïve not to take the tape off after being ordered to do so. Katie just needs a reason to explain why Christopher isn't winning anymore.

"Because it can't possibly be Christopher's work. Or me."

Kalyn comes home and just can't get over being so maliciously accused. She says she hates confrontation and has been on the verge of tears ever since it happened. I totally hear that. Lately at my real job everything has been in a heated mess of tension and it's a good day when I leave the office without having cried. But I come home all the time stewing in the hostility - it's awful. Blast this horrid economy and the 400 applicants applying for every job I'm trying to get. And a lot of good my advanced degree is doing me. I'm being bullied by drop outs. If any of you beloved readers want to hire me, you know how to find me on the interweb. Ahem, moving on... just let me grab another Snickers out of the Halloween bowl to stifle my tears. The rest of the models seem to agree with me regarding Kalyn's innocence, and Mater gives her a pep talk on blocking out the crap and staying positive. Thanks Mater, I'll also be taking your advice.

Elsewhere Kojii is lamenting that models are people too and suddenly I'm over life at the modelplex. Elimination day! Poor Mater is hard at work with a straightening iron after Gordana's hair comments. What I wouldn't give for even a hint of a wave in my hair, but alas, the grass is always greener.

Kalyn loves straight ironing.

Ah, here comes Heidi to tell the designers they are choosing their models for the LAST challenge. It's the END OF THE ROAD!!! Here's how it goes, with nothing like surprise:

Althea chooses Cheetos with much flattery. Cheetos again dances into the holding tank.

Carol Hannah chooses Delta Burke, who tells us that SHE would pick Carol Hannah to win the whole thing. Gee, you think?

Dance, Delta Burke!

Christopher chooses Katie, who really wants to get famous, ugh.

Irina chooses Kalyn, who I think should come out wearing nothing but double stick tape. Screw Katie.

It comes down to Gordana to choose between Mater and Kojii. Gordana says she's never worked with Kojii, but she loves working with Mater and she loves her big beautiful hair. See Mater? All is well on top of your head.

So poor Kojii is doomed to go home and take care of her little girl, who will now have no role model for following her dreams. She'll have no choice now but to quit school and become homeless. And all because Kojii was eliminated from Project Runway. Good luck to you Kojii, and your little girl. Hang in there!

Did she ever favor us with a song?

Next time it's the last challenge! Katie is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and still threatening to call Kalyn out on the double stick tape thing. Oh do it, Katie! Let's go there!

So what do you think about Double Stick Tape Gate? Did Kalyn or didn't Kalyn? Will it make any difference whatsoever?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: Just Another Day in Excitingville

Moments before... Heidi is all dressed up as a dominatrix and trying to decide whether Christopher or Nicholas sucks worse. It's another fine episode of Models of the Runway!

"You will thank me and ask for another."

Katie pipes up to publicly chastise Christopher for being in the bottom two three times in a row - even though she's not even his model this week.

"Sorry Katie."

Katie, you suck. Besides, Nicholas is the one who is OUT, so Kojii - sitting there in his ridiculous outfit - is the one who needs to worry. She wonders if she's jinxing the designers because hers are always in the bottom three. I don't know, but you keep getting picked, Kojii, so you're doing something right.

Kalyn bounces backstage wearing Irina's winning multi-shades-of-brown-snowbunny outfit to congratulate and gush.

She better be on alert if it's hunting season.

We get a snippet of Irina telling Kalyn that ever since the movie costume challenge she's really come out of her shell. Kalyn decides she wants to stay with Irina because she's the most talented designer and the one who talks prettiest to her. She loves pretty talk.

"I'm the only one here with any talent - you are so lucky I chose you."

Here is Cheetos after not winning:

"Let's go home and NOT work out."

Nicholas comes backstage to bid farewell and he apologizes to Kojii for putting her in the losing outfit. Kojii defends him, saying he had to design an outfit inspired by Greece and he's never been there. Fail. Not ever having been to Greece is not an excuse for making crap, so later Nicholas. And Kojii even admits that she didn't feel pretty or sexy in his outfit. The models philosophize about Nicholas's future, but it's not too interesting.

Heidi time! I've decided that this portion is filmed right before the black slip lineup. Heidi's not in her dominatrix outfit anymore, so this is all a conspiracy to get us off-balance. First Heidi wants to rip on Nicholas for screwing up so bad with a Greece-inspired outfit.

Looking like she stepped off the set of Mamma Mia - negative.

Katie has lived in Greece (oh great) and says that all anyone wears there is long flowy dresses because it is so hot. And Nicholas made long sleeves and long pants. I'm no fashion designer, but isn't there a whole genre of dresses inspired by Greece? I mean, he had a total head start with the word "toga." I don't know where Kojii's office slacks came from, but I'm guessing not Greece. Anyway, Kojii's nervous now that she might get eliminated.

And back at the modelplex Delta Burke is tired. Not Mater and Kalyn! They decide to do a workout video and Cheetos scoffs. Here's where Katie contemplates threatening Christopher so that she'll be sure to get to go to Bryant Park.

"Doesn't he realize how this is affecting ME?"

Seriously, who made her Queen of the Skinnies? I don't get why she thinks that everyone reports to her. And does she honestly think that a tongue lashing from his supposed "muse" is going to make Christopher come up with anything better? It would be fun to watch, though, so maybe she'll do it despite my logic. Cheetos thinks it's their job to push their designers. Hey morons - it's your job to WALK. That's it. Stop overestimating your relevance here.

In other non-interesting news, Kojii and Celine go out for drinks to talk about how similar they are. They both like clothes and music, you know, the important stuff. They discuss their "unusual" looks and wonder which one of them Logan will pick.

The next day the girls all head off to burlesque class. At first I thought this might have something to do with the show, but alas, it's just something Delta Burke suggested for them all to blow off some steam. Meet Lux LaCroix, Mistress of Burlesque. She will be our friendly burlesque instructor for the afternoon. And lest we don't notice, she's also a PERFORMER so she knows of what she speaks. Mistress LaCroix arms the girls with feather boas and leads them in shaking their tiny boobs around.

Anything beyond walking is over their heads.

Celine calls it a "bump and grind class." Interesting that they paid money for this. Even more interesting that it was deemed camera-worthy and then airtime-worthy. That's the end of that story.

The next story is that Kalyn very earnestly explains to us that as a model you always have to be available to go on casting calls. Like Remember Arby's Erika? She was available to go on a casting call and it ended up leading to her getting a job on an Arby's commercial where she wears totally unflattering pants and pretends to work at Arby's. Aim high ladies. And inspired by Erika's shining example, Kalyn has booked a job with Paige Denim. Never heard of it, but good for Kalyn. The photographer takes a few shots of her butt and then has her canoodle with a guy - who is also, I assume, wearing Paige Denim. Kayln giggles that it was nice to be around boys. Even gay ones.

Boy model: "Can you teach me how to shape my eyebrows?"

And in our final disjointed story of the episode, Mater, Celine and Kojii attend an art show where they look at art and fret about being eliminated. Wow, this is a stretch. And someone greenlit a season 2???

Elimination Time! This week in a triumph of boredom, the designers can choose whomever they want. Remember! A model can make or break a look! Here's how it goes:

Winner Irina chooses Kalyn. Kalyn is thrilled.
Gordana chooses Mater, who has worked very hard for her, by the way.
Carol Hannah chooses Delta Burke.
Althea chooses Cheetos, who twirls into the holding tank.
Christopher chooses his beloved Katie, who reviews her note cards and prepares for her upcoming lecture.
Logan is last to choose from Celine and Kojii - how did they know it would come down to this? He stumbles around and then says he feels more loyal to Kojii.

Aw, so Celine is out. And she even dreamt last night that she'd be eliminated! Someone is clairvoyant! She was my favorite, attitude-wise, and the designers seemed to love her look, so that's too bad. Sealing my admiration for her, Celine puts her travel pillow around her neck before she even leaves the apartment. Atta girl. Sleep cures ALL. Farewell, Celine!

She's already mid-nap.

Next week Heidi asks which model wants it the most and Katie tells Kalyn she doesn't deserve to make it (or something). See you there, if you care!

Thank you beloved readers, for traversing this puzzle with me. I can't get my mind around this show, but I always have a blast reading your thoughts and encouragement, so feel free to sound off!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Models of the Runway: Don't You Bring Me Down Today

"I will CUT that ho."

Moments before... Christopher and Shirin are in the bottom for designing tacky crap and trying to pass it off as stage wear for Christina Aguilera, who as we all know, wears nothing but high class when she’s performing.

"I am beautiful, no matter what you say..."

To be fair, no one did a great job on this challenge. What’s with all the black and white? This was their chance to do something truly eye-catching and over-the-top, and what did we get? Black and white gowns. Have they got anything else going on in those artsy brains? Cause I haven’t seen it. Christopher made a jacket-dress that peeled off to reveal a flimsy corset and hot pants embroidered with SILVER BRIC-A-BRAC.

The garter really classes things up.

Would it be possible to get any tackier? You could tell that Christina was secretly overwhelmed and totally wished she could tear it off of Katie’s body and wear it to pick up her toddler from pre-school right then and there, but she saved face by saying she didn’t like it.

Shirin made a black and white ball gown. I didn’t think it was all that bad, but when the examples you are shown are from Bob Mackie and look like this:

You can’t really get away with an ordinary looking black and white ball gown. And for Christina Aguilera? The more insane the better. PS – it was news to me that Christina Aguilera is a fashion icon. Did I miss something?

Revealing your cervix is SO fashion forward.

Oh well, there’s no figuring out how we started out with examples like this:

Inspired by the glorious Tina Turner

And ended up with this:

The weekly status quo

So suffice it to say that Shirin is OUT. And by the way, here is what won:

Seriously

Yeah, I don’t get the massive chasm between winner and loser either, especially with crap like Christopher’s in between, but whatevs. Heidi announces that Shirin sucks and Ebony lets out a piercing whine and slams herself into the bathroom. Welcome to Models of the Runway! Delta Burke trots over to congratulate Carol Hannah and then visits the bathroom to try to intercede in Ebony’s tantrum. Delta Burke says that it has nothing to do with Ebony; it’s only the result of the outfit Shirin designed, but Ebony shrieks that she tried to encourage Shirin and give her advice. Don’t overrate your influence with the designers there, Ebony. They’ve probably learned to block you out as white noise. Besides, none of this means that another designer won’t snatch you up, right? Right?

Aw here comes Shirin, trudging backstage to say goodbye. Ebony’s like, “How could you put me in this position, you bitch?” But she only says that in her head. Out loud she just cries and pouts and this turns into Shirin comforting Ebony, instead of the other way around. Way to keep it together, Ebony.

"You'll call me when you have a casting, right?"

Stop. Heidi time! Heidi wants to know what it was like for the girls to see Christina Aguilera live and in person. I’ll tell you what it was like.

"...words can't bring me down!"

But Pollyanna Kalyn, of course, was really, really excited to see Christina Aguilera and she was really, really sweet. She was really, really pleasantly surprised. Oh barf. A friend of mine worked at a venue where Christina Aguilera was once a guest at a party and “really, really sweet” is about 180 degrees opposite of what I heard she was like. Delta Burke is stoked that her designer won, even though Heidi says the design should have had a reveal. Then Katie complains about how bad her butt looked in the hot pants. Cry me a river, tubs. Heidi scolds Kalyn for not helping out Nicholas’s design. Kalyn’s all wide eyed and innocent, going, “On the runway?” No, in the dressing room. Of course on the runway. It seems that she modeled it fine, but while Nicholas was being critiqued she looked like she would rather be dead.

"Are we done? I need to go practice my triple salchow."

Same with Ebony. Heidi wonders if the girls are nervous about elimination. Nope! Not this week, Heidi. This week no one cares about going home.

And we’re onto the modelplex portion of the program. Katie eats Ramen noodles and rips on Christopher’s designs of late. She has no idea what’s going on in his head and furthermore, she doesn’t like it! Guess what else. Ebony is skerd that she will be eliminated because all the designers are being loyal and now her loyal designer is outie. How will she ever make it to Bryant Park now??

The next day the gals are all in a flutter getting ready to go to a Garnier casting! They’re passing scripts around and an unidentified voice goes, “So apparently this is what we’re going to read?” Oh. My. Gosh. CAN you read, little models? Here’s Delta upon learning that she’s going to her first ever SPEAKING casting:

First up at the audition is Cheetos, and she actually does a pretty good job. She remembers the lines and says them just like you’d see any other model on TV saying them. Katie’s fine, Kalyn is cute with her usual beaming clueless look. Kojii’s fine, then Ebony steps into the studio and totally chokes on her own tongue. To us she says that people don’t get her personality (and that sound bite was taken totally out of context), but that’s clearly not the problem here. The problem here is that she can’t recite a paragraph she was instructed to memorize without looking like a frightened deer in headlights. Even worse is Delta, who makes the cameraman look like he’s contemplating suicide.

"I knew I should have grabbed those cyanide capsules."

She can’t remember the word “nutrisse,” (brand she’s advertising) and she can’t pronounce “nourish.” She reads her note card the entire time and just sits there apologizing and twisting her hair. I bet she gets it. Ha!

"Hopefully my beauty overshadows my illiteracy."

The cameraman is like, “Whatever, thanks.” Later Katie says she got a callback, but I’m already bored of this storyline and who knows if they’re ever even going to revisit it to let us know how it comes out.

Elimination day! Here comes Heidi with her bag of tricks and I’m noticing that she’s wearing the same thing she wore when the models were having Heidi time. Ah, continuity. Anyway, Heidi announces that they’re switching it up again and no one can choose the model they worked with in the last challenge. The models file out in their black slips and tense up at news of the switch – all but Ebony of course, who sees her shot at redemption.

"Hail Heidi Klum!"

Delta’s all pissed because her designer won but must pick someone else. And speaking of Carol Hannah, she goes first and chooses Cheetos. Cheetos might snack on junk food, but she’s got something going on for her and I must admit that she did a good job at the audition. (Where’s HER callback?) Plus, I could slam a bag of Cheetos in no time flat, so who am I to criticize?

"Mmm. Cheetos."

Other choices of interest: Logan picks Celine, Nicholas picks Kojii, Christopher picks Mater, then it comes down to Ebony and Delta Burke on the runway and it’s all up to Althea. And she picks Delta. So the grand switch up didn’t save Ebony after all.

Lisa has a theory that Carol Hannah and Althea just switched models to help each other out, but I’m not so sure the designers even care THAT much. Oh well, I guess it’s good Ebony got her tantrum on earlier because she’s deathly calm about this final verdict.

"I knew I should have grabbed those cyanide capsules."

She tells us that modeling is something she was built to do. The desire is getting stronger and stronger and she’s more hungry. Yes, I’m sure models get more hungry by the day until they finally obliterate the urge to eat and their bodies give up on asking for fuel. Result: anorexia. Leading to: runway jobs!

walking

corpses

Next week the models all go to burlesque class. Oh for the love of all things. WHY? This better have something to do with an upcoming challenge or else what is the freaking point? Who cares if they know how to shake feather boas? Also, Kalyn goes on a legitimate photo shoot and Katie contemplates ordering Christopher to get some balls so that she can stay in the competition. She really needs to shut the crap up.

Any thoughts on this week? What would YOU have designed for Christina Aguilera?

Thanks for reading!

-Honey Gangsta