Models of the Runway: Don't You Bring Me Down Today

"I will CUT that ho."

Moments before... Christopher and Shirin are in the bottom for designing tacky crap and trying to pass it off as stage wear for Christina Aguilera, who as we all know, wears nothing but high class when she’s performing.

"I am beautiful, no matter what you say..."

To be fair, no one did a great job on this challenge. What’s with all the black and white? This was their chance to do something truly eye-catching and over-the-top, and what did we get? Black and white gowns. Have they got anything else going on in those artsy brains? Cause I haven’t seen it. Christopher made a jacket-dress that peeled off to reveal a flimsy corset and hot pants embroidered with SILVER BRIC-A-BRAC.

The garter really classes things up.

Would it be possible to get any tackier? You could tell that Christina was secretly overwhelmed and totally wished she could tear it off of Katie’s body and wear it to pick up her toddler from pre-school right then and there, but she saved face by saying she didn’t like it.

Shirin made a black and white ball gown. I didn’t think it was all that bad, but when the examples you are shown are from Bob Mackie and look like this:

You can’t really get away with an ordinary looking black and white ball gown. And for Christina Aguilera? The more insane the better. PS – it was news to me that Christina Aguilera is a fashion icon. Did I miss something?

Revealing your cervix is SO fashion forward.

Oh well, there’s no figuring out how we started out with examples like this:

Inspired by the glorious Tina Turner

And ended up with this:

The weekly status quo

So suffice it to say that Shirin is OUT. And by the way, here is what won:

Seriously

Yeah, I don’t get the massive chasm between winner and loser either, especially with crap like Christopher’s in between, but whatevs. Heidi announces that Shirin sucks and Ebony lets out a piercing whine and slams herself into the bathroom. Welcome to Models of the Runway! Delta Burke trots over to congratulate Carol Hannah and then visits the bathroom to try to intercede in Ebony’s tantrum. Delta Burke says that it has nothing to do with Ebony; it’s only the result of the outfit Shirin designed, but Ebony shrieks that she tried to encourage Shirin and give her advice. Don’t overrate your influence with the designers there, Ebony. They’ve probably learned to block you out as white noise. Besides, none of this means that another designer won’t snatch you up, right? Right?

Aw here comes Shirin, trudging backstage to say goodbye. Ebony’s like, “How could you put me in this position, you bitch?” But she only says that in her head. Out loud she just cries and pouts and this turns into Shirin comforting Ebony, instead of the other way around. Way to keep it together, Ebony.

"You'll call me when you have a casting, right?"

Stop. Heidi time! Heidi wants to know what it was like for the girls to see Christina Aguilera live and in person. I’ll tell you what it was like.

"...words can't bring me down!"

But Pollyanna Kalyn, of course, was really, really excited to see Christina Aguilera and she was really, really sweet. She was really, really pleasantly surprised. Oh barf. A friend of mine worked at a venue where Christina Aguilera was once a guest at a party and “really, really sweet” is about 180 degrees opposite of what I heard she was like. Delta Burke is stoked that her designer won, even though Heidi says the design should have had a reveal. Then Katie complains about how bad her butt looked in the hot pants. Cry me a river, tubs. Heidi scolds Kalyn for not helping out Nicholas’s design. Kalyn’s all wide eyed and innocent, going, “On the runway?” No, in the dressing room. Of course on the runway. It seems that she modeled it fine, but while Nicholas was being critiqued she looked like she would rather be dead.

"Are we done? I need to go practice my triple salchow."

Same with Ebony. Heidi wonders if the girls are nervous about elimination. Nope! Not this week, Heidi. This week no one cares about going home.

And we’re onto the modelplex portion of the program. Katie eats Ramen noodles and rips on Christopher’s designs of late. She has no idea what’s going on in his head and furthermore, she doesn’t like it! Guess what else. Ebony is skerd that she will be eliminated because all the designers are being loyal and now her loyal designer is outie. How will she ever make it to Bryant Park now??

The next day the gals are all in a flutter getting ready to go to a Garnier casting! They’re passing scripts around and an unidentified voice goes, “So apparently this is what we’re going to read?” Oh. My. Gosh. CAN you read, little models? Here’s Delta upon learning that she’s going to her first ever SPEAKING casting:

First up at the audition is Cheetos, and she actually does a pretty good job. She remembers the lines and says them just like you’d see any other model on TV saying them. Katie’s fine, Kalyn is cute with her usual beaming clueless look. Kojii’s fine, then Ebony steps into the studio and totally chokes on her own tongue. To us she says that people don’t get her personality (and that sound bite was taken totally out of context), but that’s clearly not the problem here. The problem here is that she can’t recite a paragraph she was instructed to memorize without looking like a frightened deer in headlights. Even worse is Delta, who makes the cameraman look like he’s contemplating suicide.

"I knew I should have grabbed those cyanide capsules."

She can’t remember the word “nutrisse,” (brand she’s advertising) and she can’t pronounce “nourish.” She reads her note card the entire time and just sits there apologizing and twisting her hair. I bet she gets it. Ha!

"Hopefully my beauty overshadows my illiteracy."

The cameraman is like, “Whatever, thanks.” Later Katie says she got a callback, but I’m already bored of this storyline and who knows if they’re ever even going to revisit it to let us know how it comes out.

Elimination day! Here comes Heidi with her bag of tricks and I’m noticing that she’s wearing the same thing she wore when the models were having Heidi time. Ah, continuity. Anyway, Heidi announces that they’re switching it up again and no one can choose the model they worked with in the last challenge. The models file out in their black slips and tense up at news of the switch – all but Ebony of course, who sees her shot at redemption.

"Hail Heidi Klum!"

Delta’s all pissed because her designer won but must pick someone else. And speaking of Carol Hannah, she goes first and chooses Cheetos. Cheetos might snack on junk food, but she’s got something going on for her and I must admit that she did a good job at the audition. (Where’s HER callback?) Plus, I could slam a bag of Cheetos in no time flat, so who am I to criticize?

"Mmm. Cheetos."

Other choices of interest: Logan picks Celine, Nicholas picks Kojii, Christopher picks Mater, then it comes down to Ebony and Delta Burke on the runway and it’s all up to Althea. And she picks Delta. So the grand switch up didn’t save Ebony after all.

Lisa has a theory that Carol Hannah and Althea just switched models to help each other out, but I’m not so sure the designers even care THAT much. Oh well, I guess it’s good Ebony got her tantrum on earlier because she’s deathly calm about this final verdict.

"I knew I should have grabbed those cyanide capsules."

She tells us that modeling is something she was built to do. The desire is getting stronger and stronger and she’s more hungry. Yes, I’m sure models get more hungry by the day until they finally obliterate the urge to eat and their bodies give up on asking for fuel. Result: anorexia. Leading to: runway jobs!

walking

corpses

Next week the models all go to burlesque class. Oh for the love of all things. WHY? This better have something to do with an upcoming challenge or else what is the freaking point? Who cares if they know how to shake feather boas? Also, Kalyn goes on a legitimate photo shoot and Katie contemplates ordering Christopher to get some balls so that she can stay in the competition. She really needs to shut the crap up.

Any thoughts on this week? What would YOU have designed for Christina Aguilera?

Thanks for reading!

-Honey Gangsta