No Love Lost

Excuse me while I faint from surprise, but according to an article on TMZ.com it seems that The Bachelor Andy “Mayo” Baldwin and his fake fiancée co-winner Tessa Horst have called off their engagement! Moment of silence, please. Well now what? I was clinging to the true and tender televised faux-mance of Mayo and Tessa as the last vestige of true love in a jaded world of cynicism and selfishness. Really, if these two can’t make it, what hope is there for the rest of us? Should we just give up now? The silver lining to this cloud of tragedy is, of course, that Mayo is back on the market! Form an orderly line and take a number, ladies because this one’s a keeper.

Single and available!

In a compassionate attempt to revive my faith in destiny, ABC is presenting an 11^th brand new Bachelor for us starting September 24^th. Take a deep breath and prepare to meet… Brad Womack. He owns a bar.

Mayo's Final Rose

Which "lucky" lady will go home wearing this?

Tonight’s grand finale episode is a marathon. No, not a marathon – a triathlon. It is SOOOO long. Thankfully a lot of it is recycled crap that we’ve already seen, so I won’t be going over that stuff frame by frame – it was bad enough the first time. We start with a montage of how great Mayo is, followed by the most tearful rejection speeches from Bachelorettes. Of course, Amber is the main feature there, sobbing away in the limo. Tonight Bevin and Tessa meet Mayo’s family in Pennsylvania and get one last date to pitch their cases. Chris would like us to first take a look at each girl’s journey to get to this point, but I’m going to go ahead and forgo that because I remember and that is plenty. At least fast forwarding these redundant montages brings us to minute 7 of our 84 minute triathlon.

Mayo is headed to Podunk, Pennsylvania, also known as Lancaster. There are horse and buggy traffic signs, so apparently he is in the vicinity of Amish Country. Either that or a production assistant went on a day trip for some interesting B-roll. When his mommy opens her red front door Mayo yells a lot and hugs her. His family’s house is exactly what I expected, with the exception of a garage instead of a stable for their own horse and buggy.

Notice the unique home and landscaping design of the Mayo residence.

The Mayo family sitting on today’s judging panel includes Mayo’s mom and dad, one set of grandparents, and a younger sister with funky eyebrows. Mayo sits everyone down and gives a summary of each of the girls they will be meeting. Mayo’s mom confessionals that for the past two years she has sensed that he has been ready to settle down and stop being a “bachelor.” Mayo tells his family to keep an open mind because one of these girls could be joining the family. Then he makes them all stand up, put their hands in the middle, and chant “Operation Soul Mate!” in unison.

Operation Humiliation

That was really embarrassing, and I’m only watching it on TV. Mayo’s sister seems to be the only one who realizes just how idiotic this is. She rolls her eyes and giggles uncomfortably.

First up is Tessa, and Mayo tells us he hasn’t brought a girl home in eight years. That means he was 22, so that had to have been really serious. Tessa arrives and tells us how important it is meeting Mayo’s family for all of the obvious reasons, blah, blah, blah. They all sit down for small talk in the living room where we hear about how Tessa’s mom and stepdad live really close by in York, Pennsylvania, and that they met hiking the Inca Trail, like she told Mayo on the very first night. Mayo’s mom apologizes for just staring at Tessa because she’s so beautiful. Oh my gosh. It must be something the cameras aren’t picking up on. I mean, Tessa’s cute, but I can definitely look away without a struggle. Next is lunch and Mayo’s parents tell about how they met each other in college. According to Dad it was love at first sight, but according to Mom it took a while for Dad to grow on her. That’s fascinating. Grandpa asks Tessa if she was raised with any sort of religion and we learn that her family is Catholic, but she’s not practicing anything at the moment. Mayo’s mom grills her about her job and where she sees herself in five years. Tessa gives a generic answer about being more settled and sharing her life with somebody. After consulting briefly with Mayo, sister Susie decides to have a one-on-one with Tessa to get some more answers. Of course the question that comes up is why did Tessa feel like leaving toward the beginning of the whole “process,” so we get to hear Tessa’s speech again about hating everything when she was away from Mayo, but feeling so happy when she was with him. This is, of course, their one issue. It’s like Bevin and the electricity or Danielle and the late boyfriend. There is one aspect of each relationship that has to be pounded right into the ground and that’s what Mayo will base his ultimate decision on.

"Tell me again - why do you like my brother?"

Susie decides she approves of Tessa and is impressed that she was willing to admit to having hesitations. Yes, we’re all impressed. Mayo walks Tessa out and they kiss noisily before she jumps into the car. Of course Tessa loves the Mayos and of course they all love her too. Next!

It’s Bevin’s turn now and she arrives with flowers and gifts – nice touch, Bevin. She confessionals all the same things Tessa said about the importance of this meeting. She adds that Mayo’s family is pretty conservative so she hopes she fits in. For the initial questioning session Bevin is asked about her work and she explains about her research, including a study about libido in menopausal women. The Mayos have no idea what to do with that information so they just look around at each other and move on. Everyone sits around the dinner table for Round 2. Grandpa asks if Bevin would be willing to go anywhere in the world with Mayo. She seems confused, but says it would be fun. She also gets the religion question and tells us that she was raised in the Bahá'í faith, which was founded in 19^th century Persia, so of course the Mayos have never heard of it. They’re a little dumbfounded and Bevin quickly tries to brush it aside and move the conversation along. Susie and Bevin step away, leaving Mayo to tell his parents and grandparents all about the electricity with Bevin. I’m sure glad he hasn’t bothered to think of any other way to describe his attraction. Hearing about the electrical current never gets old. Mayo sits with his dad to discuss nonsense and everyone else gathers in the living room to continue pounding Bevin with questions. How does she feel about long distance relationships? When did she first feel a connection to Mayo? To that she answers that he moved her hair behind her ear during Rose Ceremony Number 3 and that’s when she first felt “the current.” Bevin giggles a lot and Mayo’s grandma seems to really like her, despite having no idea about the newfangled religion she was raised in. Being second means that Bevin gets to view a family slideshow, which also means that we have to see some pictures of little Mayo, and he was already running races as a wee tot, so he’s always been like this. Mayo finally walks Bevin out to the car and then returns to commiserate with the family.

The Mayos sit around the living room to have the required discussion that will resolve nothing. Mayo is so completely torn because he loves both women for different reasons. Mom is happy to see how crazy Bevin is about her little boy. She wants to be confident that the woman he picks really loves him. Grandpa points out that Tessa may be just as in love with Mayo, but more reserved about showing her emotions. He then says that Mayo is “turned on” by Bevin, but is that really what’s important in the long run? Grandma says yes. Then the whole family has to deconstruct the attraction – or electricity – between Mayo and Bevin and what it could possibly mean. Susie brings up Tessa’s age-old speech about feeling perfect when she is around Mayo. Then the question comes up of who would Mayo want to have children with and of course it is agreed that both Bevin and Tessa would be wonderful mothers. Grandpa advises Mayo to project what things will be like years into the future. Oh, you think? What a novel idea to consider the future when getting ready to propose marriage. Oh, it is just such a toss-up! No one has any answers! What on earth will Mayo decide? He tells the camera that he doesn’t “freaking know!”

It’s back to Huh-why for each girl’s chance to make her final argument. Bevin is first this time and she pounces on Mayo at the beach and again wraps her legs around his waist to show what a lady she is. Mayo has a huge surprise waiting – a ride on a helicopter! Here is where we learn that Bevin is afraid of flying. She collapses into fits of hysterical laughter to cover her fear. Mayo has to throw in that he flew around in a helicopter like this when he was being a hero in Laos. That’s great. Bevin starts hyperventilating and has a really hard time boarding the helicopter. Oh come on Bevin, you’ve just made your life an open book to the world and this is where you’re going to draw the line? Climb in and shut up. Bevin tells us that this little airborne tour of Hawaii just solidified how safe she feels with Mayo. Whatever. They take a little hike to sit on a blanket and drink wine out of plastic cups. Bevin says that she just loves the Mayos. They talk about what Bevin wants in a man and what Mayo wants in a woman – we’ve heard all of this before. Mayo asks – again – if Bevin would be happy here with him and he demands a serious answer, wanting to know her reservations. Bevin very logically points out that her biggest reservation is not knowing how Mayo feels in return. Bingo! How can he expect her to have no hesitation when she could be dumped at any second? Mayo makes her verbalize one more time that this is what she wants. He says he wants to hear her say it. So she does.

Later that night Mayo comes to Bevin’s room to force her to admit some more stuff on camera. He gets all excited about the view from her balcony, exclaiming, “I’m in freakin’ love.” Wow. Now that’s romance. Bevin starts going over again what she wants out of life and how much she can see Mayo being a part of that. Have we repeated ourselves enough yet? This is all so redundant.

"Wait, so you're saying you want to be happy?"

I can’t stand it – I’m moving on to the gift. Bevin hands Mayo a little brown shopping bag. He pulls out a card that tells him that every moment Bevin is with him time stands still, and she wants to be with him until the end of time. Then the gift to go along with that is a watch. Aw, how sweet. First ABC bought a watch for Mayo to give to Bevin (the day she hurt her ankle), and now they bought a watch for Bevin to give to Mayo to represent time standing still. Right about now Bevin is giving America a peek up her skirt.

No Spanx tonight!

And now for Bevin’s official declaration: “I want to make sure that you know that I really, really do care about you. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. And I could really see myself being with you forever. Lieutenant Andrew James Baldwin… I love you. I love you!” Mayo asks if she’s serious. While they’re kissing Bevin whispers, “I love you baby.” And Mayo says, “I love you too, Bev. I really do.” Well there you have it. They kiss some more and I’m done with this scene. Mayo confessionals that he really thinks he’s in love. Bevin confessionals that there’s no chance in hell that Mayo would leave her without a rose at the Final Rose Ceremony.

And it’s Tessa’s final date! Mayo says this is Tessa’s last chance to fall all over him. No more chances for baby steps – this is it! Tessa shows up and they hug and swing around on the beach. Then Mayo says he has a surprise and this time it’s horseback riding. They ride along on the beach and Tessa jokes to her horse about the cute butt in front of them, meaning Mayo’s horse, not him. Oh Tessa, you kill me. After the ride, Tessa and Mayo run into the ocean to frolic and splash each other. Mayo seriously enters the water with a blue floatie around his waist. And just when I thought he couldn’t get any less appealing.

"Yeah, I'm really just a big kid."

After the swim they sit on the beach drinking beer and telling each other how wonderful they are. Did you know that Mayo has a huge decision to make? Did you know that it takes Tessa a long time to verbalize how she feels?

Later Mayo comes to Tessa’s room to see what she has to say for herself. They sit on the couch and talk about taking huge risks and putting themselves on the line. Nothing we haven’t heard a million times. Tessa pulls out her gift for Mayo and it is in a big straw tote bag that I’m sure he’ll use all the time on the Navy base. He pulls out a note that Tessa clearly wrote on the little notepad next to the hotel phone. The note talks about how happy Tessa is when they’re together and how she doesn’t want to continue “her journey” without him or go back to the life she had before she knew him. Mayo is almost in tears. What a sissy.

"Um... I think I want to like... tell you something..."

Here comes Tessa’s stammering declaration: “And like… I feel like… it’s been really hard… for me to… tell you how I feel throughout… this. And then I feel like I got… the chance to… get to know you and… it was like I’ve gotta stay and see where this goes and I’ve gotta… have faith and… I’ve found myself totally… ‘n completely falling in love with you and… I didn’t… expect that but I couldn’t… go into tomorrow without you knowing… how I feel ‘n how much I really mean it… ‘n this is totally… ‘n completely real to me ‘n it’s not something I would… ever be able to tell you if I didn’t feel that way… ‘cause I can’t… pretend…” Do you need a paper bag Tessa? Sheesh! Wait there’s more: “I’m in love with you ‘n I want… to… be here… tomorrow. I want to stay tomorrow. I want to stay with you.” Of course Mayo is ecstatic because this is the girl he had to chase. Why are guys so predictable?

Tessa made a really smart move and decided to keep whatever money ABC gave her to buy her present and instead she made a little framed collage of things representing the activities she and Mayo have done together. I actually think these are really cute. But I’m a girl. I don’t know if I’d give one to a guy. Well I spoke too soon because Mayo just loves it. He’s so surprised and can’t imagine anyone putting so much effort into something that didn’t involve a finish line. “I freakin’ love you, you know that? I freakin’ love you!” Okay so he’s told both of them he freakin’ loves them.

Girlfriends forever!

The next section is Mayo as a wreck. He looks in the mirror, he goes jogging, and we have to see yet another montage of each girl and all of her dates. Guess what. He just can’t figure it out. Maybe going ring shopping will help. Each girl tells us how nervous she is and takes us once again through her respective journey. BORING! I’m moving on. Mayo looks at some rings and chooses the simplest one, which was brought out in a huge box. It’s just a round brilliant cut diamond with a platinum band. I would have preferred six prongs, but it only has four. HA! He still has no clue who he wants of course. The girls get dolled up and bawl to the camera.

I seriously can’t take any more of this repetition, so I’m going straight to the final speeches. Bevin hops out of the limo first and heads up to get rejected. Mayo shows her that he’s wearing the watch she gave him. That’s just cruel. He pushes her hair behind her ears (remember?) and tells her how beautiful she is and about how they have this ELECTRIC connection. He says he loves her and that this is the finest line between somebody he loves and somebody he loves. Wow, he is an idiot. He tells her this is not a rejection – it’s just that someone else has touched his heart deeper. That’s a rejection, douchebag. She doesn’t say anything, so he just keeps rambling on about how amazing she is. He finally asks her if she wants to say anything and she just shakes her head. Very classy, Bevin – for once. He doesn’t deserve your words. He says one more time how much he cares about her and then walks her over to the limo. She’s crying pretty hard, but still won’t talk. At the limo Mayo brings on some tears of his own and promises he’ll never forget her. This is the final DOR. In her ride of shame Bevin says she should have known this is how it would end. She really put herself out there and said all of these things she wouldn’t normally say because she thought they had this special connection. She just had no idea. It hurts to love somebody when they don’t love you back. On and on. She gets a little hysterical at the end, saying this happens to her all the time and it’s the story of her life. Poor Sulky Bevin. That truly sucks. This, ladies, is why you should never go on The Bachelor.

The Demise of Sulky Bevin

Now Mayo tells us why this was hard for him, but who cares about that? Give me a break.

Now Tessa’s limo pulls up. Mayo is done being sad about Bevin and is ready to get on to his happy time with Tessa. I’m trying to see if he’s still wearing the watch. He starts telling Tessa how beautiful she is and that she’s everything he’s been looking for. He feels like a king with a queen at his side. Puke. Does she know what is so special about today? It’s just you and me! Hooray for us! We are the winners! We win true love! Tessa sort of cries and says she has no words. Mayo drops down on one knee and breaks out the diamond. He asks Tessa if she’ll marry him, and she says yes. Oh my gosh, they’re both idiots.

Oh, they love each other so much, they have each other’s hearts. How special. Tessa gets her Officer and a Gentleman forever – or at least until a month after this airs. In the ultimate of cheesy moves, Mayo asks her if she’ll accept the final rose. Love lift us up where we belong! Of course, the song blares as we see YET ANOTHER montage of their dating story. He picks her up and twirls her around, just so that we can have this precious picture.

Way to go Tessa! Way to go!

I have to admit, this finale was really tough to get through. But it’s finally over. Goodbye and good riddance!

Was anyone surprised?

Thanks guys! It’s been a great run – or should I say triathlon? Be sure to come back for my recaps of NBC’s upcoming “Age of Love,” starting June 18^th. It wouldn’t be the same without you.

-Honey Gangsta

Race to the Finish in "Huh-Why"

"It's time to see who has no interest in a life of her own."

I can’t even count how many times I rolled my eyes during this episode. I lost track at around 600 when I started to worry that my eyeballs would get stuck in the back of my head. Seriously, this episode almost did me in. I don’t know how I’ll ever make it through two hours of this next week.

All right let’s do this thing. Did you know that Mayo is not only a Navy lieutenant, a doctor, an ironman, an astronaut, a Casanova, and an award-winning orator… he is also a surfer? That’s right! Just when you thought you’d finally reached the end of his lengthy list of talents, he jumps onto a surfboard in Hawaii and rides some waves. Oh I wish I could meet him! He starts talking in his signature monotone about how he loves Hawaii ("Huh-why" in Mayo talk) more than anything and he sure hopes the final three girls are going to like it as well. After some pensive reflection near the ocean, Mayo drives his jeep over to Pearl Harbor and tells us that this is not about yachts and fancy sports cars – it’s about being a U.S. Naval officer. And the gals better love it because the chosen one gets to inherit all of this into her life as well. Remember, this is not about finding a woman who is interesting on her own; this is about finding a woman who will fit seamlessly into Mayo’s well-defined life. She’ll fall in and like it. During all this we see the same montage that is played at the opening of each episode with Mayo strolling around the base in his uniform and saluting someone. I swear ABC takes a million hours of footage, then decides on the same 30 seconds to replay to us ad naseam.

Mayo arrives at Pearl Harbor to gaze at the USS Arizona memorial. This is where the USS Arizona is still lying under the water from the attack in 1941. A monument has been built above the sunken ship to commemorate the fallen soldiers. It’s actually a lovely and touching tribute, and now we get to watch Mayo use it for his own glory. He is going to take each girl out onto the memorial individually to show them what a patriotic soldier he is and determine whether they are moved enough by the display to remain in the competition.

The Patriotic Wife Gauge

First is Sulky Bevin, who comes trotting out to receive her lei from Mayo and get this charade going. On the ferry ride over, Mayo explains to Bevin how the attack occurred and what became of the USS Arizona. What’s a little alarming to me is that Bevin needs this explained. Who doesn’t know what happened at Pearl Harbor? And just in case anyone was fuzzy, there was an enormous Ben Affleck vehicle detailing the attack that hit theaters a few short years ago. No need for Mayo’s soporific retelling. Mayo tells us that when he visits the memorial every cell in his body is affected because he is the modern day equivalent of the soldiers who were attacked at Pearl Harbor. Someone is very impressed with himself. Bevin and Mayo peer down at the sunken ship and Bevin tells us that she is ready to take on the role of Navy wife so that she can spend every second with Mayo. Has she ever heard the word “deployment?” She’s sent away on the next ferry.

Now Gloomy Danielle arrives via her own ferry to receive her lei and take the Mayo tour. She tells us that her grandmother was a nurse at Pearl Harbor during the attack, so she actually has a personal connection to the memorial and doesn’t need to tell us that she is the present embodiment of World War II. Mayo tells Danielle that it is traditional to toss flowers from your lei into the water as an offering to the soldiers entombed in the ship, so they dismantle their leis and sprinkle them onto the water. He then gives an explanation for the architecture of the monument that he read off of one of the many plaques set up for tourists. Danielle tells us she’ll do anything to find out what it takes to be a military wife and it’s off she goes back to the museum on the ferry.

Tessa arrives, telling us that today she will determine if she can see herself as part of Mayo’s Naval lifestyle. I’m not sure how visiting a museum and a monument will tell her what it is like to be married to the military, but okay. Mayo does his spiel again and they sprinkle their flowers onto the water. Now comes the most ridiculous part. A little girl is standing nearby looking over the railing into the water and Mayo offers her some of his flowers to throw. She doesn’t so much sprinkle as torpedo her flowers into the water and Mayo does a confessional saying that he was getting an image in his mind of a husband, wife, and child. Oh brother, this guy is a girl. Tessa tells us how much this little interlude means and that she can see herself with Mayo and that makes her nervous and excited. Her earrings are huge.

"Oh my gosh!
My earrings are also wind chimes... pretty!"

Mayo tells us that he loves his job. He loves being a Naval diver and he loves being a Naval doctor and the girls better understand all that because it’s his life they’ll be leading if selected.

It’s time for the one-on-one Fantasy Overnight Dates! Tessa is first and she meets Mayo in Kauai out in a field where a truck drops her off. Mayo tells her they’re going zip lining, and then he starts in on his speech about how he and Tessa have this roller coaster relationship. I seriously have no idea what is going on in this guy’s imagination, but I just don’t understand where he gets this roller coaster analogy. Tessa has done all the same things the other girls have done with the exception that she has told Mayo about having some hesitation. Suddenly it’s this enormous emotional roller coaster. Huh? They rock, paper, scissors to determine who will zip line first and after some confusion, it’s determined that Tessa goes first. She confessionals that she’s been hesitant to put herself out there until now, so today is really important for her. She takes off on the zip line and Mayo goes next, screaming, “Tessa I think you’re wonderful!” as he launches himself from the platform. That was just in case there was anyone still watching who wasn’t convinced he is completely lame. He confessionals that he loves the rough and tumble side of Tessa and admires that she’s up for anything. Tessa says that she has fun with Mayo because he makes her laugh and she likes herself when she’s around him. I don’t get the part where he makes her laugh. The next thing they do is cross a rickety suspension bridge together all harnessed up so there won’t be any “unfortunate” accidents and Mayo says that this is such a metaphor for their relationship because they’re supporting each other. That leads them to stop and kiss. I thought a roller coaster was the metaphor for their relationship, so the zip line might have been a better comparison. Then they do some cartwheels in a field like a couple of girls and take a little hike. I wish Mayo would take a big hike. Sorry, that was too easy. They stop at a picnic table for some wine and fruit and they make a toast to happy hour. Don’t ask. Tessa says she can see why Mayo loves living in Hawaii and Mayo feeds her a grape while saying he just needs someone to share it with. As the sun sets Mayo tells Tessa that he likes to go swimming in the ocean before the sun comes up because it’s dangerous with a lot of sharks. Tessa tells Mayo to punch a shark in the face if it looks like it’s going to attack – and that concludes our visit to Wild Kingdom. They nuzzle and giggle and poke each other in the stomach. Mayo says he can still tell that Tessa is holding back.

Later that evening, Mayo and Tessa have both changed into formal wear to come lie in a hammock on the beach. They drink some more wine and Tessa decides it’s time to open up. She tells Mayo that each time she’s with him she’s more and more glowing. In response, Mayo wants to look around and exclaim over how amazing it is that they are on a hammock on the beach in Hawaii! When will this ever happen again? What a roller coaster. A lovely sushi dinner has been arranged for the happy couple and they sit down to continue giggling while they eat. Apparently there is a piece of sushi that has been wound up to look like a flower, so Mayo picks it up with his chopsticks and says, “Tessa will you accept this rose?” Oh – ha ha ha! Is this what she was referring to when she said he makes her laugh? Oh boy. After she laughs way too hard, he repeats, “Tessa will you please accept this rose?” Well you know, if it was funny once, it’s going to be really funny twice.

Mayo, have you heard about Open Mike Night at the Improv?

Tessa tells him how much fun she has with him and how she’s always laughing at his sushi jokes. Mayo marvels over the fact that just today Tessa was out in the wilderness zip lining and now in this regal setting he feels like a king with his queen. Are your eyes getting stuck at the back of your head yet? Well get ready because now he whips out the fantasy suite card for Tessa to read aloud. Now, despite many previews showing Tessa very uncertain as to whether she wants to take the fantasy plunge, she immediately says that there is nothing on earth she would love more than to spend time alone with Mayo in the suite. They come into the suite and squeal over how beautiful and amazing it is – complete with a bubble bath containing rose petals. Tessa decides once again that she is going to verbalize her feelings. She thanks Mayo for being so patient with her while she took so long to decide what she was feeling. She made herself a promise that she would stay true to herself, so that’s why she’s been slow, blah, blah, blah. They climb into the bubble bath in their swimsuits and Mayo frets over his two more upcoming fantasy dates.

Fantasy Date #2 belongs to Gloomy Danielle and she will start by joining Mayo on a catamaran. Mayo confessionals that he felt an immediate connection with Gloomy Danielle – they bonded over the loss of loved ones – and he hopes that the physical connection will continue to grow. Danielle confessionals that she is so happy to be here and Hawaii is the perfect place to fall in love. They spot some dolphins as they race along in the catamaran and Danielle decides that dolphins are one of her favorite animals. That’s great. Next they see some whales but from Danielle’s reaction you’d think they were seeing an alien spacecraft landing in front of their boat. Mayo is all proud like he’s responsible for cuing the whales to appear at that exact moment just for their outing. Danielle furthers his theory by turning to thank him for presenting whales. This is getting bizarre. The boat anchors and Danielle and Mayo jump into the water for a snorkel. They flip and twist for the cameras underwater, then kiss through their snorkel masks like any good Bachelor couple.

Danielle makes a futile escape attempt.

I know I’ve had some of my most meaningful conversations through a snorkeling mask. In fact, most of my life’s major decisions were made underwater, so this makes perfect sense. Mayo tells us that it was tons of fun to play in the water with Danielle and she looked beautiful. Back on the deck of their little boat, Danielle starts asking Mayo about how much longer he’ll be stationed in Hawaii and where he might go after that. Mayo says it’s hard to think about leaving Hawaii because of the people and the beauty… and the sunsets – as he points to the sky in yet another cheesy move. Danielle ponders over how glad she is to have met someone amazing like Mayo and she launches into a story about a psychic she visited back in college when she was with her now-late boyfriend. Apparently this psychic told her that she would not marry the boyfriend she was with, but would have two more serious relationships and marry the second of those. Guess where Mayo fits in… that’s right he’s the one she thinks she’ll marry. I have a problem with this for a couple of reasons. First and most obviously, a psychic told her. Secondly, Mayo is not a serious relationship. They barely know each other. Maybe Danielle is counting on it becoming a serious relationship but it certainly isn’t one now for crying out loud. “Up Where We Belong” swells as they watch the sunset and Danielle says it’s like a dream. Mayo says that romance is brewing and bubbling up. Do I really need to comment on that last remark?

For the evening portion of the date Danielle comes hobbling out in shoes that she clearly can’t walk in. Mayo gives her a lei and tells us he can see himself spending the rest of his life with her. Sure. When they sit down at their dinner table, Mayo explains that he has a bit of a surprise. A psychic reader will be joining them to tell them just what is in store! The reader comes out, clearly dressed for the occasion in a t-shirt and cargo pants.

"Listen closely, because I'm about to tell you nothing."

She shakes their hands and does the psychic disclaimer, saying that she will not be predicting the future, but providing clarity on upcoming choices and opportunities. That doesn’t sound very helpful, but okay, let’s hear it. She hands Danielle a deck of playing cards. Yes, like poker cards, not Tarot cards. Danielle claims to not know what to ask, which probably means the producers have forbidden her from asking anything really relevant, so the psychic says that Danielle’s heart will provide the questions. How convenient. She arranges the cards and says a bunch of really vague things like, something new is entering your life, you communicate from your heart, and you have some sadness left from a past loss. Wow, that is so uniquely Danielle! Of course Danielle is flabbergasted and can’t believe the psychic could have known all that. Mayo straight up asks if he’ll get engaged next week. Here is the psychic’s answer: You are in a time of doubting and worrying now and you have to let the worrying go so you can make a choice. You can make a choice based on how love would decide or how fear would decide. Mayo is totally overwhelmed with this profound insight that didn’t answer his question at all. After the psychic leaves Danielle says that she’s ready to take a risk again after losing her boyfriend and Mayo says he’s relieved to hear that. So the one facet of this relationship has been deconstructed yet once again. Mayo has another surprise which is the fantasy suite card for Danielle to read. Guess what she decides. That’s right! She would love to! They come into a suite identical to the one Mayo stayed in with Tessa and Mayo pretends to be overcome all over again. They sit down to discuss how many kids they want to have and how Danielle never stops smiling when she’s with Mayo. Mayo says they share a lot of core beliefs, which is important. Also, Danielle is a great kisser.

The final Fantasy Date begins, like the first one, in a field. Sulky Bevin, like Tessa, is dropped off in a truck to meet Mayo. The cutest part is that Mayo is wearing a blue backpack and Bevin is wearing a pink one. Hooray for gender roles! Mayo points out that they are in the great outdoors – are you sure, Mayo? – and Bevin confessionals that she is going to make the most of her time here in Hawaii and the other girls better watch out! I’m sure they’re trembling with fear, Bevin. No one throws a tantrum like you do. Mayo confessionals that he loves the fact that Bevin is adventurous and that their future together would include a lot of outdoor fun. They climb into a kayak and start off down this mucky river, flicking water at each other and giggling.

"Back here, America! Your favorite Bachelor!"

Bevin says she loves being alone in the wilderness. What a funny thing to say when you’re being followed around by a crew of 45 people. They climb out of the kayak and begin hiking up a hill. Mayo seriously holds up his water bottle and says, “Remember to stay hydrated.” Oh my gosh I would have smacked him silly. No, we’re not all cool enough to be ironmen, but everyone knows to drink water when exercising. Especially when the producers have provided you with special ABC water bottles. Does he think she’s a small child? He is so irritating. I guess it’s raining because they start comparing the pitter-patter of the rain to the pitter-patter of Mayo’s heart and my eyes nearly get stuck again. Now Mayo decides to elicit some compliments from Bevin so he asks her like four times in a row if she’d like to live in Hawaii. She keeps saying yes and then he says, “Would you like to live here with me?” When she says yes he starts squealing and picks her up and twirls her around. They scream and giggle. This is so ridiculous. Mayo tells us that he feels electricity in his soul when he’s with Bevin. Oh, so now it’s moved to his soul? He picks her up to carry her across a puddle. I hope he’s staying hydrated. They finally arrive at a waterfall and decide to climb up to the top and jump off. In another of Mayo’s famous grand metaphors, they hold hands and take a giant leap together. Luckily there are some inner tubes floating around beneath the waterfall for them to drift around on. What are the chances? We also have some more nasty underwater kissing, which turns into a full fledged make out session behind the waterfall. They end up snuggling in a towel together under a little pavilion. Bevin says that she’s never met a man like Mayo before (who has?) and that every time they’re together they are able to pick up right where they left off. She tells Mayo that she likes her date and Mayo says he saved the best for last. I wonder what Tessa and Danielle thought of that line when they watched this episode.

For the evening portion of this Fantasy Date Mayo has dressed down a little in a brown golf shirt and khakis. Bevin is in a little red sundress. Their dinner comes along with their own private luau. A bunch of men in leaves come out to play Polynesian drums and there is also a Samoan fire dancer. Some gorgeous girls come out in red Polynesian costumes and do some major hip shaking. Bevin and Mayo get up and look like idiots trying to dance along with them.

"Here's my chance to show Bevin my sweet dance moves."

When they sit back down Mayo tells Bevin that for lack of a better term that was hot. Bevin of course giggles like that is the funniest thing she’s ever heard. Mayo decides it’s time to ask Bevin what made her decide to come on the Bachelor. She says that she’s really looking for the one and only. She wants to find someone who will be her best friend, husband, mother of her children and lover. Mayo wants to know if she thinks it’s him. Mayo finally asks what he really wants to know, which is what Bevin thinks of marriage after having already screwed one up. Bevin answers that for a while she thought she’d never get married again, but now she knows that she’s not willing to give up her dream of having a family. Mayo appreciates her perspective and her honesty. And now it’s time for the fantasy suite card. I wonder if Bevin will be up for it. I really have no idea. Bevin says that she wants accept the fantasy suite card in order to continue the conversation so that Mayo can get to know her better. Yeah right. I’m sure that’s why Mayo wants her to accept it too. And for the third time Mayo pretends to be surprised about what the room looks like. They feed each other strawberries and Bevin admits to the camera that she loves Mayo – then she cracks up laughing. We go to commercial with them slow dancing without music in their fantasy suite. Puke.

The next segment is absolutely insulting and it is the very definition of the word “filler.” Mayo is so frustrated because he just has no idea what he’s going to do next, so he goes for a run and finds no relief.

"Man. 650 sit-ups and still no clarity."

Luckily, the network has flown in Mayo’s best friend GATSBY to be a sounding board and talk things over with him. Gatsby is one of Mayo’s pompous triathlon buddies so I’m sure we can count on him for some profoundly intellectual advice. This is like when Charlie O’Connell called his famous brother Jerry O’Connell to see how he should proceed a few seasons back. It was built up and teased and played to death and then it was total crap. They didn’t say anything new or informative. It was just like, “I’m with you bro,” and that’s it. Which is exactly how Gatsby’s visit goes. Mayo goes over each girl and tells us what we’ve heard a thousand times and Gatsby sits there nodding. I’ll show his picture because I’m sure that’s what he would want and then we’ll move on. Look at this douche.

"Well maybe if you tried highlighting just the
top part of your hair, like I do..."

Tonight we have an outdoor Rose Ceremony and I could swear that Tessa is wearing the same dress that Smug Stephanie wore on the first night of the show. The three girls line up and look at each other awkwardly while Mayo tells us again, “I’m a healer. I’m a doctor. I help others. I take their pain away. So to break the heart of one of those women tonight – it kills me to have to do that.” Wow, he’s a hero. And he’s going to do it anyway! Chris doesn’t even explain about the roses tonight, he just sets Mayo loose. Mayo tells the girls that any man would be happy to have any of them. Tonight’s roses go one step farther toward finding love.

The first rose goes to… Bevin!

The second and final rose goes to… Tessa!

Poor Gloomy Danielle. After all the pain she’s had to endure now this happens to her. Little does she know that she was just spared the greatest humiliation of her life. Mayo tells her that she’s amazing and has been a source of strength and that he thinks the world of her. Danielle is very calm and dignified. She just nods and smiles and wipes away a couple of tears. He keeps telling her she’ll make some guy really happy someday. That’s so unnecessary – it’s something your grandpa would say. Danielle tells Mayo that he’s raised the bar for her (huh?) and she tells him he deserves to be happy. Mayo works up some tears as Danielle makes her exit. In her limo ride of shame, Danielle maintains her dignity and quietly tells the camera that it’s hard to walk away from someone she really cares about. She really feels like she was meant to meet Mayo. Then we go back to her old standby of talking about when she lost her boyfriend and she says that at least this time she got some closure. But she’s been through a lot and she deserves to be happy. Yes you do, Danielle, and that’s why it’s a good thing you’re leaving.

"Nobody DOR's after eleven weeks! Nobody!"

Mayo comes back to Tessa and Bevin to tell them they’re headed to Lancaster, Pennsylvania to meet his family. They toast to Lancaster.

Next week the Family Mayo meets the girls and there is more grilling and awkwardness. Then is the most dramatic Rose Ceremony ever! I still think Mayo will just propose to himself. Or maybe Gatsby will reappear and get the ring! “Love lift us up where we belong!”

Be sure to tell me your thoughts – love to hear from you!

-Honey Gangsta

Next Stop... Seriousville

It's all fun and games until the Hometown Dates.

This week Mayo has had it with group dating. He needs to get serious and meet these women’s families. I guess his resolve last week on the yacht to get serious didn’t quite cut it because it was followed by another silly group date of painting a playground. Well no more! We are headed straight to Seriousville to meet some families. On his way to the airport in the DeLorean, Mayo has a dreamy reverie about each of the girls and their respective journeys. He starts with Tessa. He knew from the beginning that she was dynamic. He also likes that she’s mature, experienced, and sophisticated (um, when did she showcase all that?). He finds it exciting that he’s had to chase her and woo her, but she hasn’t put her heart on her sleeve and he’s worried there’s a disconnect. Basically, we already knew all of that from him saying it 100 times before. Next is Gloomy Danielle. Gloomy Danielle is the most invested of all the women. We haven’t really seen that much of her, so I guess he’s basing this theory on the speeches she’s made at all of the Pre-Rose-Ceremony parties. Also she’s really tough because she’s known someone who died – just like Mayo, and just like 95% of the population. She has a lot of strength but Mayo doesn’t know if she’ll just be a friend or a lifelong partner. And I honestly think they just replayed the audio from last week’s Pre-Rose-Ceremony party when Mayo described Gloomy Danielle. Let’s see what they’ll repeat about Amber. She has a beautiful smile and he likes being around her, but he can’t get over the fact that she’s only 23 because he typically doesn’t like younger women. But seeing her interact with the kids on the playground proves that she’ll be a great mother, so Mayo is really torn. He obviously doesn’t know that she cooked dinner every night for years and is the most mature 23-year-old ever. Sulky Bevin is the one with the major physical attraction – although I’m not too sure why. He talks again about their electrical current and how he’s continually impressed with her. She keeps getting better and better. He clearly hasn’t seen the same footage we have, and is really excited about having a reliable booty call. Basically they are all glorious and he has no idea how he’ll ever choose, so he’s excited to meet the families and see what bad stuff he can uncover.

First stop on the road to Seriousville is Seattle, Washington, which makes perfect sense because Sulky Bevin is from Palo Alto, California. Okay, whatever, I guess this is where she grew up. Anyway, Mayo comes tearing out of the car and scoops up Bevin, who wraps her legs around his waist like any proper young lady. Mayo again launches into the electricity speech that we all know by heart. Then he recites a little poem he must have worked on the entire time he was en route to Seattle. “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Okay, I think now would be a good time to bring up my theory about why Mayo is such a complete idiot around women. First of all, I’ve heard rumors from people who went to college with him that he “couldn’t get a date,” which is actually no surprise based on what I’ve seen. In fact, he was so socially inept that he felt the need to make himself a webpage advertising just what a stud he is and you can go ahead and view that by clicking here. Now, when someone with no social skills and no luck with women is suddenly thrust into a situation where a whole bunch of pretty girls are fighting over him, that’s going to give him some delusions of grandeur. Add in the fact that all of the production crew are pretty much paid to egg him on, so they’re always congratulating him on saying something really funny, or really romantic, or really clever. You know he’s always receiving little notes telling him what a good job he’s doing, and there are a gang of assistants just off-camera constantly giving him the thumbs-up sign. Put that all together, and the result is: “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” And Mayo is positive that this is sheer poetry of genius magnitude. He’s got a big shock coming when whoever he chooses breaks up with him (which should be happening in real time in the next month or two) and he has to re-enter the normal world. Can you imagine a date with him after the cameras stop rolling? He’ll be so confused as to why all of his classic lines aren’t working.

Back to Sulky Bevin. She has chosen some mountain falls as the perfect setting to tell Mayo that she has already been married – and divorced. She explains that she used to come here with her friends in high school and Mayo is tickled to discover that he’s the “first boy” she’s brought to the falls. Giggle, giggle.

"We'd better not touch the water with
our major electrical current."

Bevin says it is all really romantic, but she’s totally nervous because she knows what she has to divulge, and she’s afraid that Mayo may change his mind about her upon hearing it. They sit down to a little picnic of fruit and wine since Bevin needs some liquid courage, and she launches into the biggest runaround speech I’ve heard in a long time. She gives the classic disclaimer that people give when they’re about to tell you something they know you won’t like: It’s really important to be honest. Yes it is, but when someone tells me something awful, they don’t get points for being honest. I mean what, she’s going to hold it over his head that she could have kept it a secret and he should be grateful that she was honest? I don’t think so. She stalls more by saying that everyone has a past… At this point Mayo looks horrified. You know he’s wondering if Sulky Bevin is going to reveal that she is actually a man – which should make Mayo happy if you think about it.

"Please don't tell me you're not really athletic."

She finally spits it out: she got married, but it didn’t last long, and she doesn’t regret it because she has learned so much from it, of course. It’s made her who she is. Mayo, being the idealist that he is, wants to make sure that she’s not going to take marriage lightly (a second time) and wonders how she feels about the subject now. She swears up and down that she takes marriage more seriously than anyone and she would never make the same mistake twice. Mayo seems relieved, but you know he’s rethinking everything. He says he’s always known that Sulky Bevin is mature and knows what she wants and he appreciates her honesty. Now it’s Sulky Bevin’s turn to be relieved.

On the way over to Sulky Bevin’s parents’ house, Mayo confessionals that Bevin’s divorce “raised a red flag” but he wants to move on from that (for now) and meet the folks. The family is sitting on the back porch around a fire pit and when Bevin arrives her dad grabs her and they both start crying. Well this could mean that Bevin’s hissy fits are hereditary. We meet Bevin’s mom Ahna, her sister Ohna, her stepmom Vicky, and her dad Ken. I immediately decide that Bevin has Ken’s nose, but then I study Ahna, and I can’t decide. She may have just inherited the worst aspects of each. Mayo is so awkward right now. He presents the family with some “uh, flowers and uh coffee from uh Hawaii, where I uh live.” He’s clearly very uncomfortable in the role of the judged instead of the judger. He and Sulky Bevin recap their adventures in California, including the (misdiagnosed) sprained ankle and the day in the hospital. Bevin laughs and laughs while telling the story – if they only knew that she actually pouted and bawled about it for days when it really happened. Bevin confessionals that she could tell Mayo was relaxed around her family, so I wonder what she was snorting because he was so clearly uncomfortable. Over dinner Sulky Bevin’s sister Ohna asks one of the “approved” questions: where does it go from here? And Mayo skirts around it, saying Bevin is really special. You know they aren’t allowed to ask what they really want to, like who is the front runner, or why are you so desperate? Next mother Ahna pulls out a painting that she did for Mayo of the northwestern coast as a memento of the evening. Sulky Bevin starts bawling again and steps aside with her dad for a chat – and probably more bawling for both of them. Dad Ken asks if Bevin loves Mayo. She says she has feelings for him and wonders aloud where she would ever meet someone like that in her normal life. Then she bawls some more. She’s tired of getting her heart broken, so obviously coming on The Bachelor was a brilliant decision. Her dad advises her not to hold anything back or she’ll regret it. Maybe he should have applied to be a bachelorette. Next the entire family gathers and Mayo tells them they have a “wonderful, wonderful, wonderful daughter.” Well, as long as he doesn’t exaggerate.

"I am such a great guy!"

He begins to say goodbye and stepmom Vicky says, “We’ll look forward to seeing you again…” to which Mayo very awkwardly responds, “That’d be uh great.” Bevin confessionals that she doesn’t use the word “love” lightly, but she definitely feels like she’s falling in love with Mayo. Mayo confessionals his summation of this hometown visit: “I want to trust that true love will prevail.” Oh brother. Get lost, Mayo.

Stop #2 on the way to Seriousville is Bethel, Connecticut where Gloomy Danielle lives with her gloomy parents. I honestly can’t believe she’s made it this far because to me Gloomy Danielle is very unremarkable. The only thing I even know about her is that her boyfriend died. She doesn’t have much of a personality, so maybe she got this far by flying under the radar. She’s waiting on some kind of bridge when Mayo comes gleefully skipping from the car to greet her.

"Let's share our heartache, Danielle."

Danielle thinks that she and Mayo have a good future together because they have a lot in common, like their views on family. Mayo says what they have in common is – you guessed it – they both had someone close to them die. He thinks that’s important because sometimes marriage is hard and Danielle has strength from her experience. That’s a really stupid theory. They arrive at Gloomy Danielle’s unremarkable house to meet her unremarkable family. Mayo has no gift to stammer about this time. We meet dad Jim, mom Nancy, and little sister Kaitlin. They make a toast then Danielle goes to help her mom and sister in the kitchen. She asks the important questions like, “Do you think we look good as a couple?” Yes, your wedding pictures will be gorgeous and that’s all that matters. Mom Nancy tells us it’s good to see Danielle happy because she’s had such a rough time, what with losing her boyfriend and all. Has anything else happened to Danielle – ever? She is defined by this late boyfriend of hers, and that really says nothing about her. I’m so bored with this story and wish we could talk about something else.

At dinner Mayo says, “You have an amazing, amazing daughter.” Hmm, Bevin got three wonderfuls, so I’m not sure how to take that. Dad Jim is very serious and tells Mayo that his daughter deserves nothing but the best. Mayo just squirms. He confessionals that they didn’t really talk about the death of Danielle’s boyfriend, and can I just say thank goodness? He really wanted to go there again? Mom Nancy worries that Mayo might take Danielle away if he chooses her. Mayo kind of sells it as an opportunity for Danielle to travel the world. Yes, but she could do that without marrying a loser. Danielle says that if you find what makes you happy, then that’s where you want to be. I just keep thinking of that song from Fiddler on the Roof, "Far From the Home I Love," and picturing Jim waving goodbye as Gloomy Danielle boards a train forever. Again we proceed with the usual dinner conversation, sister Kaitlin worrying that Mayo will break Danielle’s heart and Mayo saying he had no idea it would be this hard emotionally, but he’s a big believer in fate.

After dinner we all head downstairs where Jim demonstrates his drumming skills. Mayo then embarrasses himself by making an attempt of his own on the drums. Next mom Nancy and sister Kaitlin tie sparkly sashes around their waists and Mayo’s and teach him some belly dancing moves. Again he makes a fool of himself while Danielle warns him not to get to close to her sister.

Mayo relives a fond childhood memory.

Next are family photos, including a shot of Danielle’s parents finishing a race together. Everyone agrees that is what marriage is all about. No surprise that Mayo is totally excited by a picture of a couple running a race together – I never would have thought! Dad Jim confessionals that Mayo is genuine and Danielle is happy around him. Danielle tells us that when her boyfriend passed away (and we’re back) she didn’t know if she’d ever find love again, but it might just be here in front of her face! All in all, this was pretty unremarkable.

Stop #3 en route to Seriousville begins with Tessa waiting for Mayo between the Washington Monument and the Capitol Building in DC. Once again, Mayo comes bounding over at high speed and wildly embraces his woman. He tells us that his romance with Tessa has been a roller coaster so far. I agree – with all those fights, then making up, then fighting again… wait. How has it been a roller coaster? Oh that’s right, it hasn’t. Tessa explains that they are going to her mom’s house to meet her mom, dad, sister and best friend who has flown in from Denver. Mayo’s very thrown by this because it means he’ll be grilled. Oh, you mean unlike those other hometown visits? Now Mayo and Tessa have a snowball fight and tackle each other to the ground. What a roller coaster their relationship is.

Tessa successfully blocks Mayo's latest advance.

At Tessa’s mom’s house, Tessa tells us what a big deal this is because she hasn’t brought a boyfriend home in a while and it’s important that her family thinks well of Mayo. Mayo presents Tessa’s family with a bottle of wine but I don’t think it’s from uh, Hawaii. We meet mom Romana, dad Tom, sister Mercy, and best friend Samantha. So far all the families have had parents and one sister… interesting. Mom Romana tells us that Mayo is very handsome, but that’s not everything. Oh, just wait Romana, you have no idea. Tessa and Mayo entertain the family with date stories, but then Tessa goes to change her clothes and Mayo knows he’ll be in the hot seat and asks for another beer. Best friend Samantha asks Mayo what his faults are. Dumb question. His dumb answer is that he can’t sing or cook – thanks for that window into your soul, Mayo. Samantha continues her inquisition and tells us that Mayo is good at avoiding answering hard questions. Yes, I’m sure the production assistants trained him well. Samantha asks if the other three finalists have qualities that Tessa doesn’t, and Mayo launches into his speech about how Tessa hasn’t shown him her feelings and he’s felt like he’s had to court her. Poor Mayo. Um, no.

Over dinner we learn that Mayo is a primary care physician – meaning he didn’t specialize, but that he wants to become an orthopedic surgeon. I hope he can fit that in with flying the space shuttle as well. We also learn that he doesn’t know if he’ll propose at the end of this (but we know!). Also, he doesn’t cook but he does dishes and uses that as a segue way to get the heck out of there. He picks up all the plates and flees. He tells us that he’s very proud of himself for getting through all of that tough questioning. Oh please. He didn’t get asked anything extraordinary and for the most part he wiggled out of answering.

"You'll never crack me! I'm very mysterious."

Doing dishes with dad Tom, Mayo asks if Tessa has brought home many boyfriends and Tom’s answer is not really. Then Tom makes the tragic mistake of telling Mayo that Tessa’s attitude going on the show was that it was going to be fun. What!? Fun? What nerve this girl has. Here Mayo has dragged himself halfway across the Pacific Ocean to find a wife for himself and a mother for his children and all Tessa thought was that it would be fun? How dare she not have been deeply, madly, passionately in love with Mayo sight unseen? Well! He will not stand for this! Mayo will not be jerked around! He sits the family down and demands to know just what Tessa thinks she’s doing toying with his emotions like this. He would never do this to a girl – er, uh, never mind. But what does she think she’s doing? Best friend Samantha says that Tessa initially thought it would be a fun experience. How dare she? Enough of this nonsense. Tessa, sit down! Mayo is getting this straight from the horse’s mouth. He is not leaving DC until he knows what this girl is thinking! Tessa is really hesitant, as usual. Again she gives her speech that needs no repeating. Mayo says that the more Tessa opens up, the more he can open up to her. That’s so not true. She’s in the dark until she either goes home or gets a ring, no matter what he says right now. He finally demands to know what she wants out of this. She says she wants to fall in love. He demands to know with who, and she finally caves and says, “I want to fall in love with you.” Mayo says, “All right. ‘Cause I want to fall in love with you.” Mayo pats himself on the back for being so clever, and I have to point out that they were both wearing dog tags in this scene, and I don’t mean the fashion kind. Mayo bids everyone farewell and tells us he can’t wait to see Tessa again. Poor Tessa.

Our final stop on the road to Seriousville is Sugar Land, Texas, the only hometown date not covered in snow. Amber is playing with her hair while waiting for Mayo in a little sundress and giant earrings in front of the school where she teaches. This time Mayo doesn’t get a chance to come running up to his hostess because Amber is right in his face before he can get the car door open. On the way inside Mayo confessionals that Amber makes his heart beat fast, just like running does. Mayo is blown away by Amber’s elementary school classroom and Amber can’t keep her hands out of her hair while she shows him around. He sits down at a desk, raises his hand, and asks for a kiss. After Amber gives him a peck, she explains that in real life she wouldn’t be allowed to do that. Oh really? She doesn’t want to be one of those teachers who goes to jail and then ends up marrying her teenage student? Next the little kids come marching in and Amber starts to bawl. This is a very teary episode and I can’t really understand why – it’s so lame. It turns out that Amber’s classroom comes equipped with a sign language interpreter so the next logical question is whether Mayo knows any sign language. He brilliantly teaches all of the kids the “hang loose” hand gesture and tells them it means “aloha.” Um, not quite. One of the kids asks Mayo if he likes their teacher and how they met. He tells them that he met her on a special mission called Operation Soul Mate and even the kids think that’s the stupidest thing they’ve ever heard.

The next thing Amber does is lead Mayo out onto the playground for a sit-down. She explains to us that Mayo won’t be meeting her parents, but that her aunt and uncle will be making an appearance instead. Then she tells Mayo that she’s not even sure if they can make it and she has to call to find out. It turns out that Amber’s parents don’t approve of this whole Bachelor situation. Good for them! Finally, some parents who can recognize the ridiculous without throwing themselves right in the middle of it. Although it isn’t very nice of them to further Amber’s humiliation by refusing to show up and just say hi. Anyway, when Amber calls her aunt it looks like she’s not going to be able to come either, so Amber has nothing to do but sit and cry and Mayo starts wiping off her tears with his thumb. Ew.

"Please shut up."

Mayo says he understands and that meeting her family is only a piece of the puzzle. Then he points to her heart and says that’s the whole puzzle. Good one Mayo.

Over at Amber’s apartment, we meet Amber’s blonde-haired, droopy-eyed nameless roommate and her tiny poof dog, Pasha. Amber says it’s highly important that Pasha approves of Mayo since she’s the only family member willing to meet him. Amber’s roommate asks what Mayo does and it takes him about 15 minutes to explain in a way she can understand that he is a doctor and a scuba diver and all of this is done for the Navy. He even goes so far as to describe large diving helmets to try to create a visual.

"So the army lets you go snorkeling?"

Amber dismisses the whole explanation, telling her roommate that Mayo is basically just really cool and that seems to satisfy the roommate. Now Mayo begins to notice that every time “Amby” or her roommate says anything they both giggle hysterically. He confessionals that he felt like he was back in college and he’s reminded of the severe seven-year age gap between him and Amber.

"This reminds me of all those frat parties
where I never got any chicks."

Over dinner Pasha pees on the carpet which leads to more hysterical giggling and then there is a knock on the door which sends Pasha twirling in berserk circles in front of the dinner table. Amber opens the door to reveal… her aunt! She made it after all! Aw, now who on earth saw that coming? Amber immediately starts bawling. When Mayo sees Aunt Lynne he starts yelling at an unnecessary volume about how glad he is to see her. I guess he is already over sorority life. Mayo and Aunt Lynne sit down on the couch for a chat. Mayo tells her that Amber has a lot of the same qualities that he admires in his mother. How romantic. Aunt Lynne says that Amber is very mature for her age. She is? I haven’t heard that before…

Amby and her roommate are sitting on a bed giggling over Mayo. The roommate says that he looks like he really likes Amby. Amber confessionals that she finds it nearly mystic that her roommate was able to see that she and Mayo have a lot in common without Amber even telling her so. It must mean something supernatural! Amber tells roomie that she can 100% see herself married to Mayo and that he will be a fantastic father because her school kids loved him. He’s basically the perfect guy. More tears. Back on the couch, Mayo tells Aunt Lynne that he is ready to settle down and he’s excited to have little Mayos running around. Where does Aunt Lynne see Amber in the next couple of years? Aunt Lynne says that Amber would love to settle down. She’s 23, but she’s a mature 23. My only question is: does anyone have an opinion as to whether or not Amber is mature?

Aunt Lynne comes to the bedroom for some alone time with Amber. Ugh, isn’t this hometown date over yet? I’m bored to distraction. Okay, let’s have one last round of How Mature is Amber? Amber thanks Aunt Lynne for coming and then they both gush over how wonderful Mayo is. Amber is still worried that her parents refused to show, and she thinks it may result in her being sent home. She cries some more. Then she tells us one more time how mature she is for her age. Mayo confessionals that Amber is really sexy and good with kids, but he’s not sure she’s ready to make a marriage commitment. Is he kidding? That’s all she’s living for.

Mercifully it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. It feels like years since we met Sulky Bevin’s family in Seattle. How many roses are there, Chris? Three you say? And four girls? That means someone is going home brokenhearted, having lost her officer and gentleman forever. Mayo comes out and tells the girls that they are the four most incredible women he’s ever met. Enough already, this episode is a marathon. Let’s give out the roses. First rose goes to Tessa, surprise, surprise. Second rose goes to Sulky Bevin for being so honest. This is the final rose tonight, everyone. And it goes to… Gloomy Danielle for having an entire gloomy family! Amber has been Dropped on Request.

"So what's the story, Jerk-face?"

Uh oh. How will Mature Amber take this news? Very maturely I’m sure. She doesn’t understand at all! Yesterday was the most amazing day of her life and she just wants to know why he didn’t choose her, WHY? Mayo stammers around, saying he knows she is really mature for her age, but she’s quite a bit younger and they’re at different stages in their lives and it breaks his heart. Amber sobs that she’s only younger in age, but not in maturity, and it’s her heart that should matter to Mayo, not her age! She reminds him that in the hot tub he said that age doesn’t matter, so to please not say it now. Good for you, Amber. Don’t let him weasel out of this. It sucks for her though, because the only real answer is that he feels stronger about the other girls and he has to narrow it down. What else can he say? He adamantly declares that it isn’t because he didn’t get to meet her family. He wipes off her tears again with his thumb and walks her over to the limo. She climbs in sobbing in agony and tells us she has no idea why she is going home. She has no freaking clue. Mayo lost a girl that would have bent over backwards for him, made him breakfast every morning, worked out with him after work, cooked dinner for him and watched TV with him every night. And now here she is going home, are you kidding? She says that guys always tell her what she wants to hear and then break her heart. Yeah, never believe what a guy tells you while you’re in a hot tub together.

Mayo comes back in and tells us he made the right choice. Now he’s taking the final three to Hawaii to see his home.

Next week it is Island Adventures in Hawaii and tours of Pearl Harbor. I’m sure it will be staggering – fantasy suite cards and all.

So what do you think? Is Amber the most mature 23-year-old ever or what? Who’s going to blow it next week?

Thanks for reading!

-Honey Gangsta