Thursday, May 24, 2007

Mayo's Final Rose

Which "lucky" lady will go home wearing this?

Tonight’s grand finale episode is a marathon. No, not a marathon – a triathlon. It is SOOOO long. Thankfully a lot of it is recycled crap that we’ve already seen, so I won’t be going over that stuff frame by frame – it was bad enough the first time. We start with a montage of how great Mayo is, followed by the most tearful rejection speeches from Bachelorettes. Of course, Amber is the main feature there, sobbing away in the limo. Tonight Bevin and Tessa meet Mayo’s family in Pennsylvania and get one last date to pitch their cases. Chris would like us to first take a look at each girl’s journey to get to this point, but I’m going to go ahead and forgo that because I remember and that is plenty. At least fast forwarding these redundant montages brings us to minute 7 of our 84 minute triathlon.

Mayo is headed to Podunk, Pennsylvania, also known as Lancaster. There are horse and buggy traffic signs, so apparently he is in the vicinity of Amish Country. Either that or a production assistant went on a day trip for some interesting B-roll. When his mommy opens her red front door Mayo yells a lot and hugs her. His family’s house is exactly what I expected, with the exception of a garage instead of a stable for their own horse and buggy.

Notice the unique home and landscaping design of the Mayo residence.

The Mayo family sitting on today’s judging panel includes Mayo’s mom and dad, one set of grandparents, and a younger sister with funky eyebrows. Mayo sits everyone down and gives a summary of each of the girls they will be meeting. Mayo’s mom confessionals that for the past two years she has sensed that he has been ready to settle down and stop being a “bachelor.” Mayo tells his family to keep an open mind because one of these girls could be joining the family. Then he makes them all stand up, put their hands in the middle, and chant “Operation Soul Mate!” in unison.

Operation Humiliation

That was really embarrassing, and I’m only watching it on TV. Mayo’s sister seems to be the only one who realizes just how idiotic this is. She rolls her eyes and giggles uncomfortably.

First up is Tessa, and Mayo tells us he hasn’t brought a girl home in eight years. That means he was 22, so that had to have been really serious. Tessa arrives and tells us how important it is meeting Mayo’s family for all of the obvious reasons, blah, blah, blah. They all sit down for small talk in the living room where we hear about how Tessa’s mom and stepdad live really close by in York, Pennsylvania, and that they met hiking the Inca Trail, like she told Mayo on the very first night. Mayo’s mom apologizes for just staring at Tessa because she’s so beautiful. Oh my gosh. It must be something the cameras aren’t picking up on. I mean, Tessa’s cute, but I can definitely look away without a struggle. Next is lunch and Mayo’s parents tell about how they met each other in college. According to Dad it was love at first sight, but according to Mom it took a while for Dad to grow on her. That’s fascinating. Grandpa asks Tessa if she was raised with any sort of religion and we learn that her family is Catholic, but she’s not practicing anything at the moment. Mayo’s mom grills her about her job and where she sees herself in five years. Tessa gives a generic answer about being more settled and sharing her life with somebody. After consulting briefly with Mayo, sister Susie decides to have a one-on-one with Tessa to get some more answers. Of course the question that comes up is why did Tessa feel like leaving toward the beginning of the whole “process,” so we get to hear Tessa’s speech again about hating everything when she was away from Mayo, but feeling so happy when she was with him. This is, of course, their one issue. It’s like Bevin and the electricity or Danielle and the late boyfriend. There is one aspect of each relationship that has to be pounded right into the ground and that’s what Mayo will base his ultimate decision on.

"Tell me again - why do you like my brother?"

Susie decides she approves of Tessa and is impressed that she was willing to admit to having hesitations. Yes, we’re all impressed. Mayo walks Tessa out and they kiss noisily before she jumps into the car. Of course Tessa loves the Mayos and of course they all love her too. Next!

It’s Bevin’s turn now and she arrives with flowers and gifts – nice touch, Bevin. She confessionals all the same things Tessa said about the importance of this meeting. She adds that Mayo’s family is pretty conservative so she hopes she fits in. For the initial questioning session Bevin is asked about her work and she explains about her research, including a study about libido in menopausal women. The Mayos have no idea what to do with that information so they just look around at each other and move on. Everyone sits around the dinner table for Round 2. Grandpa asks if Bevin would be willing to go anywhere in the world with Mayo. She seems confused, but says it would be fun. She also gets the religion question and tells us that she was raised in the Bahá'í faith, which was founded in 19th century Persia, so of course the Mayos have never heard of it. They’re a little dumbfounded and Bevin quickly tries to brush it aside and move the conversation along. Susie and Bevin step away, leaving Mayo to tell his parents and grandparents all about the electricity with Bevin. I’m sure glad he hasn’t bothered to think of any other way to describe his attraction. Hearing about the electrical current never gets old. Mayo sits with his dad to discuss nonsense and everyone else gathers in the living room to continue pounding Bevin with questions. How does she feel about long distance relationships? When did she first feel a connection to Mayo? To that she answers that he moved her hair behind her ear during Rose Ceremony Number 3 and that’s when she first felt “the current.” Bevin giggles a lot and Mayo’s grandma seems to really like her, despite having no idea about the newfangled religion she was raised in. Being second means that Bevin gets to view a family slideshow, which also means that we have to see some pictures of little Mayo, and he was already running races as a wee tot, so he’s always been like this. Mayo finally walks Bevin out to the car and then returns to commiserate with the family.

The Mayos sit around the living room to have the required discussion that will resolve nothing. Mayo is so completely torn because he loves both women for different reasons. Mom is happy to see how crazy Bevin is about her little boy. She wants to be confident that the woman he picks really loves him. Grandpa points out that Tessa may be just as in love with Mayo, but more reserved about showing her emotions. He then says that Mayo is “turned on” by Bevin, but is that really what’s important in the long run? Grandma says yes. Then the whole family has to deconstruct the attraction – or electricity – between Mayo and Bevin and what it could possibly mean. Susie brings up Tessa’s age-old speech about feeling perfect when she is around Mayo. Then the question comes up of who would Mayo want to have children with and of course it is agreed that both Bevin and Tessa would be wonderful mothers. Grandpa advises Mayo to project what things will be like years into the future. Oh, you think? What a novel idea to consider the future when getting ready to propose marriage. Oh, it is just such a toss-up! No one has any answers! What on earth will Mayo decide? He tells the camera that he doesn’t “freaking know!”

It’s back to Huh-why for each girl’s chance to make her final argument. Bevin is first this time and she pounces on Mayo at the beach and again wraps her legs around his waist to show what a lady she is. Mayo has a huge surprise waiting – a ride on a helicopter! Here is where we learn that Bevin is afraid of flying. She collapses into fits of hysterical laughter to cover her fear. Mayo has to throw in that he flew around in a helicopter like this when he was being a hero in Laos. That’s great. Bevin starts hyperventilating and has a really hard time boarding the helicopter. Oh come on Bevin, you’ve just made your life an open book to the world and this is where you’re going to draw the line? Climb in and shut up. Bevin tells us that this little airborne tour of Hawaii just solidified how safe she feels with Mayo. Whatever. They take a little hike to sit on a blanket and drink wine out of plastic cups. Bevin says that she just loves the Mayos. They talk about what Bevin wants in a man and what Mayo wants in a woman – we’ve heard all of this before. Mayo asks – again – if Bevin would be happy here with him and he demands a serious answer, wanting to know her reservations. Bevin very logically points out that her biggest reservation is not knowing how Mayo feels in return. Bingo! How can he expect her to have no hesitation when she could be dumped at any second? Mayo makes her verbalize one more time that this is what she wants. He says he wants to hear her say it. So she does.

Later that night Mayo comes to Bevin’s room to force her to admit some more stuff on camera. He gets all excited about the view from her balcony, exclaiming, “I’m in freakin’ love.” Wow. Now that’s romance. Bevin starts going over again what she wants out of life and how much she can see Mayo being a part of that. Have we repeated ourselves enough yet? This is all so redundant.

"Wait, so you're saying you want to be happy?"

I can’t stand it – I’m moving on to the gift. Bevin hands Mayo a little brown shopping bag. He pulls out a card that tells him that every moment Bevin is with him time stands still, and she wants to be with him until the end of time. Then the gift to go along with that is a watch. Aw, how sweet. First ABC bought a watch for Mayo to give to Bevin (the day she hurt her ankle), and now they bought a watch for Bevin to give to Mayo to represent time standing still. Right about now Bevin is giving America a peek up her skirt.

No Spanx tonight!

And now for Bevin’s official declaration: “I want to make sure that you know that I really, really do care about you. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. And I could really see myself being with you forever. Lieutenant Andrew James Baldwin… I love you. I love you!” Mayo asks if she’s serious. While they’re kissing Bevin whispers, “I love you baby.” And Mayo says, “I love you too, Bev. I really do.” Well there you have it. They kiss some more and I’m done with this scene. Mayo confessionals that he really thinks he’s in love. Bevin confessionals that there’s no chance in hell that Mayo would leave her without a rose at the Final Rose Ceremony.

And it’s Tessa’s final date! Mayo says this is Tessa’s last chance to fall all over him. No more chances for baby steps – this is it! Tessa shows up and they hug and swing around on the beach. Then Mayo says he has a surprise and this time it’s horseback riding. They ride along on the beach and Tessa jokes to her horse about the cute butt in front of them, meaning Mayo’s horse, not him. Oh Tessa, you kill me. After the ride, Tessa and Mayo run into the ocean to frolic and splash each other. Mayo seriously enters the water with a blue floatie around his waist. And just when I thought he couldn’t get any less appealing.

"Yeah, I'm really just a big kid."

After the swim they sit on the beach drinking beer and telling each other how wonderful they are. Did you know that Mayo has a huge decision to make? Did you know that it takes Tessa a long time to verbalize how she feels?

Later Mayo comes to Tessa’s room to see what she has to say for herself. They sit on the couch and talk about taking huge risks and putting themselves on the line. Nothing we haven’t heard a million times. Tessa pulls out her gift for Mayo and it is in a big straw tote bag that I’m sure he’ll use all the time on the Navy base. He pulls out a note that Tessa clearly wrote on the little notepad next to the hotel phone. The note talks about how happy Tessa is when they’re together and how she doesn’t want to continue “her journey” without him or go back to the life she had before she knew him. Mayo is almost in tears. What a sissy.

"Um... I think I want to like... tell you something..."

Here comes Tessa’s stammering declaration: “And like… I feel like… it’s been really hard… for me to… tell you how I feel throughout… this. And then I feel like I got… the chance to… get to know you and… it was like I’ve gotta stay and see where this goes and I’ve gotta… have faith and… I’ve found myself totally… ‘n completely falling in love with you and… I didn’t… expect that but I couldn’t… go into tomorrow without you knowing… how I feel ‘n how much I really mean it… ‘n this is totally… ‘n completely real to me ‘n it’s not something I would… ever be able to tell you if I didn’t feel that way… ‘cause I can’t… pretend…” Do you need a paper bag Tessa? Sheesh! Wait there’s more: “I’m in love with you ‘n I want… to… be here… tomorrow. I want to stay tomorrow. I want to stay with you.” Of course Mayo is ecstatic because this is the girl he had to chase. Why are guys so predictable?

Tessa made a really smart move and decided to keep whatever money ABC gave her to buy her present and instead she made a little framed collage of things representing the activities she and Mayo have done together. I actually think these are really cute. But I’m a girl. I don’t know if I’d give one to a guy. Well I spoke too soon because Mayo just loves it. He’s so surprised and can’t imagine anyone putting so much effort into something that didn’t involve a finish line. “I freakin’ love you, you know that? I freakin’ love you!” Okay so he’s told both of them he freakin’ loves them.

Girlfriends forever!

The next section is Mayo as a wreck. He looks in the mirror, he goes jogging, and we have to see yet another montage of each girl and all of her dates. Guess what. He just can’t figure it out. Maybe going ring shopping will help. Each girl tells us how nervous she is and takes us once again through her respective journey. BORING! I’m moving on. Mayo looks at some rings and chooses the simplest one, which was brought out in a huge box. It’s just a round brilliant cut diamond with a platinum band. I would have preferred six prongs, but it only has four. HA! He still has no clue who he wants of course. The girls get dolled up and bawl to the camera.

I seriously can’t take any more of this repetition, so I’m going straight to the final speeches. Bevin hops out of the limo first and heads up to get rejected. Mayo shows her that he’s wearing the watch she gave him. That’s just cruel. He pushes her hair behind her ears (remember?) and tells her how beautiful she is and about how they have this ELECTRIC connection. He says he loves her and that this is the finest line between somebody he loves and somebody he loves. Wow, he is an idiot. He tells her this is not a rejection – it’s just that someone else has touched his heart deeper. That’s a rejection, douchebag. She doesn’t say anything, so he just keeps rambling on about how amazing she is. He finally asks her if she wants to say anything and she just shakes her head. Very classy, Bevin – for once. He doesn’t deserve your words. He says one more time how much he cares about her and then walks her over to the limo. She’s crying pretty hard, but still won’t talk. At the limo Mayo brings on some tears of his own and promises he’ll never forget her. This is the final DOR. In her ride of shame Bevin says she should have known this is how it would end. She really put herself out there and said all of these things she wouldn’t normally say because she thought they had this special connection. She just had no idea. It hurts to love somebody when they don’t love you back. On and on. She gets a little hysterical at the end, saying this happens to her all the time and it’s the story of her life. Poor Sulky Bevin. That truly sucks. This, ladies, is why you should never go on The Bachelor.

The Demise of Sulky Bevin

Now Mayo tells us why this was hard for him, but who cares about that? Give me a break.

Now Tessa’s limo pulls up. Mayo is done being sad about Bevin and is ready to get on to his happy time with Tessa. I’m trying to see if he’s still wearing the watch. He starts telling Tessa how beautiful she is and that she’s everything he’s been looking for. He feels like a king with a queen at his side. Puke. Does she know what is so special about today? It’s just you and me! Hooray for us! We are the winners! We win true love! Tessa sort of cries and says she has no words. Mayo drops down on one knee and breaks out the diamond. He asks Tessa if she’ll marry him, and she says yes. Oh my gosh, they’re both idiots.

Oh, they love each other so much, they have each other’s hearts. How special. Tessa gets her Officer and a Gentleman forever – or at least until a month after this airs. In the ultimate of cheesy moves, Mayo asks her if she’ll accept the final rose. Love lift us up where we belong! Of course, the song blares as we see YET ANOTHER montage of their dating story. He picks her up and twirls her around, just so that we can have this precious picture.

Way to go Tessa! Way to go!

I have to admit, this finale was really tough to get through. But it’s finally over. Goodbye and good riddance!

Was anyone surprised?

Thanks guys! It’s been a great run – or should I say triathlon? Be sure to come back for my recaps of NBC’s upcoming “Age of Love,” starting June 18th. It wouldn’t be the same without you.

-Honey Gangsta

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