Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty: Makeup Equals Inner Beauty!

It's the finale episode of Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty! I'm not exactly sure what Jessica has learned besides the fact that women feel pressure to be beautiful everywhere, no matter what that looks like. Big surprise.

"I'm firing Ken with my newfound confidence!"

Anyhoo, HOLLA to all you rock stars who left me comments last week! It makes me happy to know I'm not writing into a black hole - even when it's a Jessica Simpson show. And I love hearing your favorite moments and thoughts on the whole mess.

On with the finale! The gang arrives back in LA to assess how this entire process has changed them. What is different now that we all know the price of beauty? How will we enlighten the world? Jess is still wearing her hair extensions so she obviously hasn't overcome all of her vanity.

"These extensions help me meditate!"

She decides that the best place to find out what's going on in the good old USA is a high school. Hmm, the perspective of high school students may be a tad skewed, wouldn't you think? High school is the height of self-consciousness, but whatevs. Let's see what the LA high school girls have to say. And can I just give an aside here? If someone had told me when I was in high school that I was to attend a seminar on INNER beauty hosted by Jessica Simpson I would have checked out early and gone home. Who wants to hear about inner beauty from someone who makes a living on her looks? What does she know about it? Ahem. Back to the show!

Being Purdy 101

Jessica and crew perch on tall stools in front of a small group of girls, and with cleavage on full display Jessica explains to them how eye-opening this journey has been. Jessica invites questions about what she found on her travels, but the first girl just wants to know if high school was hard for Jessica. Well besides being rich and famous, Jessica's house got toilet papered and there were days she didn't want to come to school. Poor thing! We should start up a fund. In all seriousness, I'm sure she took a lot of crap for being famous, and that probably sucked. But who's laughing now?

Jessica invites the girls to share their struggles with feeling beautiful. Melody says she's on the dance team with all of these petite thin girls and she feels so fat that she won't even wear jeans anymore.

Jessica suggests Melody try softball instead.

Jessica can totally relate. She used to write in her journal about how fat she felt and even still she has to remind herself not to feel fat. Do you remember feeling like that in high school? I do. I used to be so certain that I was HUGE, and when I see pictures now it's ridiculous how distorted my body image was. I think this is a pretty common feeling among adolescent girls. Hang in there, girls! Wait until you turn 30 and stop caring completely. It's fabulous! Trudy says that she feels like she doesn't measure up to her friends or family in the looks department and she worries about it all the time.

Jessica tells Trudy that bangs will give her inner beauty.

Francesca says she lost 20 pounds over the summer and feels like she should lose 20 more.

Jessica reminisces on her time in the fat hut.

We get a little pop up that says between 50% to 70% of normal weight girls believe they are overweight. Yup. Ken says that's nice, but they're only in front of other high school students. Imagine how Jessica must feel being in front of so many people all the time. Way to validate their feelings, Ken. He goes on to congratulate Jessica for being so confident after her trip around the world and she announces, "I feel beautiful!" The girls all sit there like, "Are you serious?" They start making the girls stand up and say, "I'm beautiful!" and pretty soon it's freaking Dead Poets Society. Somehow I don't think the girls really buy it.

Later Jessica invites Melody, Trudy and Francesca to the Jessica Simpson Showroom (who knew?) because she would like them to be a part of the grand runway show she's throwing. Yes, another runway show. Because what debunks the idea of shallow beauty better than a fashion show? Good thinking, Jess! The girls are super excited to be models and start trying stuff on. Ken keeps asking them if they feel beautiful - you know, for good measure.

Next stop is Ken's salon. Wait. Ken has a salon? He does other people's hair besides Jessica's? So who's been manning the store while Ken has been off getting spa treatments? More questions than answers, I'm afraid.

Grand Reopening!

Jessica says that while inner beauty is the most important thing, we are still women and like to pamper ourselves. Nice try, Jess. That said, I would LOVE to get a makeover from Ken because these girls look awesome.

Jessica announces a late arrival. It's Panya from Thailand! She's the lady who had used skin lightening cream to bleach her face and ended up completely destroying all the pigment. Ever since, she's been too ashamed to be seen in public.

And she'd really like to audition for Thailand's Next Top Model.

Well, Ken is going to help! Actually Ken is going to help for the fashion show. Jessica tells us that she's also hooking Panya up with her dermatologist for some longer term help as well. That's nice of you, Jess. Meanwhile Panya is teary and grateful and tells Ken she's always wanted long hair. Long hair? Ken's great at that! Just look at Jessica's ever-changing locks. He whips out a weave and gets to work.

And it's over to Smashbox Studios where Jessica is getting ready to present her fashion show of looks-seen-round-the-world. But first! Panya comes in to show everyone her makeover. She looks absolutely amazing. Props to my man Ken - that's impressive. Panya hasn't looked in a mirror yet, so they sit her down and show her. She cries and thanks them over and over. It's really sweet, but kind of reminds me of that messed up reality show, The Swan - remember that? Oh well, good for Panya. I'm glad she won't have to be embarrassed about her looks anymore.

"I look tan - like I've been working in the sun! Didn't you guys listen?"

Now for the show! Jess, Ken and CaCee come out and remind everyone that they have been on a worldwide journey of discovery and they're bringing a little bit of that discovery to you now. Do you know what makes up beauty worldwide? Outfits! We see a Harajuku girl, an Indian woman in a sparkly sari, a geisha and a French girl in a beret (how original). There are even a couple of African girls who look like they've been in the fat huts.


Melody, Trudy and Francesca - the high school girls Ken made over, come strutting down the runway wearing items from Jessica's fashion line, I suppose. Their hair and makeup looks great!

Eat

your

heart out!

Ken comes out looking dapper and jaunty in a gray plaid three piece suit. Not sure which culture he's representing, but okay. Jessica had offered to hold Panya's hand and walk the runway with her, but Panya takes off solo. She don't need Jessica no mo! Then Jessica DOES take Panya by the hand and lead her back out onto the runway with her to make an announcement.

Panya's so over it.

She tells the audience about Meena, the little Indian girl with the cleft palate that Jessica helped to operate on. Oops, I mean that Jessica visited. Jessica announces that she is starting a New Movement with the support of Operation Smile. It's called Initiative: A Beautiful Me. Believe in yourself, change the world. That's a long title. And if anyone needs help believing in themselves, Ken's offering makeovers at his salon, right? Right? Anyway Jessica implores the audience to join her in helping to insure that kids all over the world have the inner beauty they need to make a difference. Hmm, how's that, exactly? What, we send you checks? To help kids have inner beauty? I'm skeptical, but who am I to spoil anyone else's good time?

So that's it! That does it for Jessica Simpson and her quest to discover the price of beauty. Do you think she learned anything? Besides that you need extensions to have inner beauty? Did you learn anything? I'd love those final thoughts!

Thanks for hangin in with me on this semi-interesting show, guys. It just wouldn't have been the same without you.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty: Why We Wax

Welcome back to Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty. This is the show where we've been following Jessica Simpson on a paid vacation around the world so that she can try on costumes and get her back rubbed under the guise of searching for different interpretations of beauty. It's been rather disappointing despite an interesting concept, but she's wrapping up her travels tonight in Brazil. Let's see what she finds out!

Brazilian vikings wear feathers instead of horns.

As the beauty crew rides along the beach they notice that everybody, regardless of size or shape, is in a very tiny bathing suit and seems proud of it. I noticed this same phenomenon in Europe. I think it may be American to be inherently ashamed of how you look.

Work it sista!

Jessica mentions that the first thing she thinks of when she hears "Brazil" is a bikini wax. As such, she would like Ken to have one. Apparently she and CaCee are good to go. I have to say at this juncture that Ken seems like a good sport and a good pal. He's down to try everything and he's usually in a good mood. Of course, he's paid to be Jessica's buddy, so who knows how much of this is genuine, but in any case, he gets in his undies and lets the Brazilian lady wax his privates - or at least the surrounding regions. Ken screams like a banshee through the entire thing. Aw, buck up! This is what it takes to be a lady.

Try a REAL Brazilian before crying your eyes out. This is nothing.

And now that Ken can unabashedly don a thong speedo it's time to hit the beach and meet our Beauty Ambassador. Her name is Ana Paula something and she is a Brazilian swimsuit model who has been on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Well, this should teach us a whole new way of thinking about what's beautiful... or not at all. She looks like an Amazon goddess and she's of course wearing dental floss.

Minty dental floss.

As they all sit down to chat under a beach umbrella I notice that Jessica's hair is about 10 inches longer than it was last week. That's Ken earning his keep, I suppose.

"It was like this when I woke up this morning."

Anyhoo, Ana Paula tells us that people in Brazil are very proud of their bodies and very open about showing them off, no matter how they look. I love cultures that embrace life like this and aren't afraid to let loose. Life is too short to cry about your body every day. She goes on to say, however, that women feel a lot of pressure to look perfect and so plastic surgery is very common and very out in the open. Apparently Rio is one of the plastic surgery capitals of the world. And here the women are proud to show you the results of their procedures, where in America, most women like to pretend they were just born that way. Heidi Montag would fit in well down here.

Speaking of Heidi Montag, Ana Paula has a friend who has had 42 plastic surgery procedures and she's here to tell the gang all about it! Her name is Angela and at first glance Jessica says that she maybe looks like she's had five or six procedures, not 42. Ha! Wouldn't the goal be to look like you haven't had any? Maybe not in Brazil. As Angela begins to list off all the work she's had done, we get a little pop-up that says she's been married to two plastic surgeons. That's genius! Heidi, take notes. You could nip and tuck to your heart's content with such strategic marrying.

It looks like Angela could use a head enlargement.

Personally, I think Angela looks a little busted. Her face looks like a guy and her boobs look like cysts. She's nice and tan, though, and looks very tight, so there you have it. She's also very careful to point out that her butt is natural - as butt implants are one of the most popular things to get around here. That's hilarious! I thought Latina women were naturally blessed in the buttocks region, but I guess the quest for perfection never ends. The finale of Angela's recitation is to proudly show the group a bare boob, stating that she's changed the silicone four times. Ken proves he's totally gay by responding to the boob with the observation that Angela hasn't shaved her legs.

With all the wax in Brazil?

And here is another fascinating Brazilian tidbit: Women here bleach the hair on their legs instead of shaving it. And this process is called a golden shower. Hee! I giggle right along with Jessica and CaCee at this news. This was like at my job as an event planner when I learned of a company that gives sweet parties for brides-to-be, called Chocolate Showers. My colleagues couldn't figure out why I snickered every time that company was mentioned. Yes I have a 12-year-old boy's sense of humor. Back to Brazil! The hairy legs are also interesting given the popularity of the Brazilian bikini wax. Why not just keep on waxing? Or just bleach everything? Who knows the reasoning for what goes on in South America?

The final question for Angela is what is her idea of beauty? She answers that she likes being able to look in the mirror, pick out what's wrong, and get it fixed. Yikes. The problem with that is won't there always be something to fix? Eventually you just have to deal with what you've got. I would think that's a much healthier (and cheaper) way to live life.

Now Ana Paula wants the gang to meet a woman who HASN'T been married to two plastic surgeons. In fact, she's very poor and lives in a favela, which is an impoverished community in Brazil. But despite having a child to care for, this woman made her looks - including plastic surgery - her top priority.

The stripes indicate that she's a prisoner to her vanity.

The gang asks her about her beauty routine. Well, she gets mani-pedis every week and bleaches her hair and eyebrows every 15 days. 15 days!? Wait, there's more. There are doctors who come to the favelas to offer plastic surgery at discounted rates for people who are in poverty (that seems terribly greedy - to tempt poor people with discounted optional surgery). This lady took advantage of that and used the money she had been saving to move herself and her daughter into a better apartment on a boob job. Okay now that I don't understand. To rank boobs above a better place to raise your daughter? I can't get my mind around it. She also says that when her daughter gets older she'll encourage her to get plastic surgery if she wants it. There's a lot of pressure on women to be beautiful. Apparently there's not a lot of pressure on women to be sensible.

Later our beauty crew would like to participate in Carnival, which is like Mardi Gras, except with less clothing. There's one every Halloween in West Hollywood as well - it's incredible. Ana Paula is back shaking her money maker in very little clothing and very many feathers.

"Why are you guys still wearing so much?"

She introduces the man who has made a wide array of Carnival costumes and I'm immediately sensing a love connection for Ken. Can we take time out from the Price of Beauty to explore a romance? Evidently not. Not even for everyone's pal Ken.

"Care to join me in the dressing room?"

It's off to Samba lessons. I saw this dance on So You Think You Can Dance. It's amazing how much culture you can glean without ever leaving the couch. Apparently it's not allowed to wear very much while you are dancing Samba (or any other time in Brazil), so we are treated to lots and lots of jiggling. Jessica says the Samba is all about making your booty clap. I would imagine that butt implants would come in handy for this. I like that the Samba girls are very curvy. Ken likes that he's learning to shake his stuff in front of a hot guy. He wiggles around with the best of them. Jess and CaCee are more awkward.

"So is it 1, 3, 2, or 2, 3, 1?"

Ken says that the Samba girls were letting it all go and he's never seen women in America shake like that. Uh, have you ever been to a nightclub in Hollywood?

It's time to put together everything we've learned in Brazil and emerge in a very elaborate costume that covers hardly anything and shake what our mamas gave us! Jessica claims to be timid. Oh stop. You're appearing on your second reality show, you can't be that bashful. Off with your clothes! There is an entire marching band to ring in everyone's entrance one at a time. CaCee is first and she just walks down the middle of the band as if it's a Tuesday afternoon. Next, however, is Ken and he is practically vibrating.

I think his loincloth is an homage to his lost hair.

Good for him for embracing the moment. Is the costume guy watching? Jessica comes out dressed as Big Bird and does about as well as CaCee - meaning she looks as excited as she would be in line to get a coffee.

"I'll have a double caramel macchiato."

Ken describes Jessica as dancing Samba looking truly uninhibited, but I must have missed that part. I didn't miss several booties shaking right in the camera, though.

And that wraps up our time in Brazil! Next week Jessica is going to culminate her travels by visiting a high school in Los Angeles and talking to girls about how they feel about themselves.

And remember the lady in Thailand who had accidentally bleached all the pigment off her face? Well she's in LA for the "makeover of a lifetime." Thanks Ken!

Well guys, what do you think? Is anyone even still watching? If so I'd love to hear from you!

Thanks for reading!

-Honey Gangsta

Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty: Brazil Mini Cap

Jessica sheds her inhibitions... and her clothes.

Last night on Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty, we hit the beaches of Brazil to find out why it's necessary to rid your nether regions of every trace of hair. Here's the reason: Everybody, no matter how big or small, wore teeny tiny bathing suits on the beach. And they all strutted their stuff like they were Giselle Bundchen. We also learned that plastic surgery is totally hip and cool in Brazil, but shaving your legs is not. That's right - the hair removal stopped from the thighs down.

Jessica, CaCee and Ken tried to learn how to samba and Ken was the only one who looked remotely successful, and he only achieved that by shaking and convulsing a lot. The crew then participated in Carnival where they wore Vegas showgirl outfits and jiggled all over the place. The biggest lesson learned is that Brazilians don't seem to be impressed at all with inner beauty - it's all about the facade. It's like Los Angeles South! Come back soon for more!

Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty: Memoirs of a Day Spa

Tonight on Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty we land in Tokyo - a place I would LOVE to visit!

Japan's high price of beauty.

Jessica tells us she's been to Japan before but she didn't get to experience the culture. She must have been on tour. CaCee notices that, like India, Tokyo is very crowded. She sees tons of people milling around the streets and wonders if they're all going shopping.

"There must be tons of stores here."

See CaCee, some people actually work for a living. And by work I don't mean "assisting" their best friends in their traveling careers. Jessica and Ken try to trick CaCee into believing that Jessica studied in Japan for four years. As if she's ever studied anything besides her face in the mirror.

Let's meet our Beauty Ambassador for the week. This is Riyo Mori, Miss Universe 2007. Oh goody - a Donald Trump fave. I'm not even really sure I get the point of these Beauty Ambassadors. They show up in the first scene and have tea with the gang, then maybe make an introduction. It's all very silly. Anyhoo Riyo towers over all three of them in a very un-Japanese height.

"Anyone for tea?"

Sure enough, we head for a tea house. I get that a tea house is actually very cultural in Japan, but still. CaCee's about to wet herself because Memoirs of a Geisha is one of her favorite movies. I saw the movie and read the book. Then I read an autobiography written by an actual geisha for a less sensationalized version of what goes on in that tradition and we have nothing American to compare it to. It's very different and involves leaving your family at a very young age (5 or 6) to spend years training to be a living work of art. Then being paid to appear at functions as that work of art. There is extremely strict protocol to follow and intricate time-honored traditions. It's literally something you devote your life to and give up everything for. So naturally Jessica and CaCee are going to crap all over it.

Riyo starts by telling the girls that reserve is considered beautiful in Japan (good luck, Jess and CaCee) and that plastic surgery is fairly common, but very secretive. The most common procedure is creating a fold in the eyelid to make eyelids look less "Asian" and to make the eyes appear larger. (I once saw a television special on this, too.) Riyo then tries to teach them a couple of Japanese words and it's off to the spa!

I have to admit, this spa looks incredible. They go outside to a Japanese garden complete with a little man-made stream that they are supposed to walk through. The stream bottom is covered in rocks that are meant to massage pressure points in your feet as you walk over them. Of course our gang finds it extremely painful, so they make a huge scene of squealing and tripping, falling all over each other, and finally abandoning the rock walk all together.

Serenity now!

The locals watch them with confused smiles. Interestingly, many of the locals are sitting on the edge of the stream dangling their legs in. I wonder why Jessica and pals didn't just try that.

The next item of business is a pedicure. The gang is instructed to sit and dip their feet into a pool of tiny fish who will nibble the dead skin off of their feet. I've actually read an article about this and it's also done in American day spas. It's called globalization, people. Of course, Jessica and CaCee are completely sickened by the idea of this, so they dip their feet amidst major convoltions, screams and wretches.

Tickley, maybe. But I don't see any blood gushing.

Come on. I guess the idea is a tad unsettling, but please. Get a grip. These aren't piranha. Finally the kids are each buried in a pile of sand that is meant to serve as an exfoliant and a sauna. But they have to lie there for two hours. Easy enough - I'd be sound asleep in no time!

Time for geisha school!

"Crap. What did we get ourselves into?"

Each of our stars gets to put on an entire Japanese kimono ensemble, which involves many steps and layers. Then they get their faces painted white. When they ask what the paint is made of they learn that traditionally it was made from nightingale poop. Just as the girls start to lose it (again) we are told that now it is made from rice powder (phew). When they are all done up with wigs and everything, the geisha try to teach them how to walk pigeon toed in a straight line and then the elaborate details of a tea service. A couple of Japanese bussinessmen have agreed to come in and sit for Jess and CaCee's tea service to see if they learned anything.

Need a bathroom break there, Jessica?

They mess up a lot, which is expected, but they aren't very respectful of what they are trying to emulate here. They giggle and tease each other, doing almost an exaggeratedly bad job. When asked if they would ever have these two serve them again, the men are like, "uh, no."

"We'd like PRETTY geisha next time."

I think Jess and CaCee are used to men thinking they are charming because of how they look, but these guys aren't messing around. They pay top dollar to have geisha perform for them - like I said, there's nothing American to compare it to, so it's a little hard to fully appreciate. But these men don't seem to think Jess and CaCee are very cute or charming.

The next day it's off to the Harajuku district to go shopping and experience the modern day version of Japanese beauty. So this is a Japanese fashion trend that inspired Gwen Stefani in her LAMB album. These girls dress in very exaggerated doll-like costumes as an expression of style.

The Shirley Temple Good Ship Lollipop. Or something.

One of the sales girls explains that this is a response to the traditional idea of a Japanese woman being very submissive. The Harajuku girls wear extreme fashions to show their strength and individuality.

Love, Angel, Music, Baby.

Later, after trying on a few outfits, Jessica decides to barge in on a lady in the middle of a cosmetic surgery consultation to try and figure out what she's thinking.

"Doesn't that door have a lock on it?"

This lady is considering the eyelid surgery, which Jessica can't understand because Japanese eyes are so exotic. Yes, to YOU, Jessica, who wasn't born in Japan. To them it's what they were born with and everyone around them has the same, so they want something different. After talking to the lady for a minute Jessica comes around because she's been told she's a fat pig, so she understands being self-conscious about something and wanting to change it. Yeah, this doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. It's like boobs in America. There's hardly a group of 10 girls where several of them haven't had boob jobs anymore. The shock value isn't really there. I guess in Japan it's the eyelids, which actually seems much less invasive than boobs.

Now Jessica has the idea that they should put on a fashion show to celebrate the different ideas of beauty they've seen in Japan. Uh, okay. They invite a bunch of girls from Harajuku and Ken does hair and makeup. Our Beauty Ambassador Riyo returns to open the fashion show and then we see several different Japanese fashions including CaCee in a kimono, Ken in some goth Jedi outfit with high heeled boots, and Jessica dressed like a baby doll. All righty then!

Turning

Japanese

I don't think so.

Next week we head to Brazil to find out the truth about the Brazilian bikini wax (maybe). See you then!

So what did you think of beauty in Japan? And Jessica's attempt at participating?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta