American Idol: Louisville Sluggos

My old Kentucky hairdo

Tonight auditions are in Louisville, Kentucky - home of the Kentucky Derby, which is, as Ryan Seacrest tells us, the most exciting two minutes in sports. Wow, that first sentence is a whole load of new information to my brain. Only two minutes? Really? Golf could take a tip from the Kentucky Derby.

We have over 11,000 people lined up outside just positive that they will be the next American Idol. And you know what? None of them will. 11,000? Really? Are there that many people in Kentucky, or would this be the hub for the surrounding Midwest? A girl in a blue wig welcomes us to the bluegrass state. Uh, thanks, I think. And we are schooled in how to pronounce the name of the city, with the consensus being Loo-uh-vull (how elegant).

We meet our first contestant, who is strutting along like a Kentucky princess, flanked on either side by a parent in black. This is Tiffany, and she has spent way too much time bleaching her hair, which barely exists anymore. Her parents tell us that Tiffany is a sure-thing for Hollywood because she sings just beautifully to them at home. Let's see what the truth is, shall we?

Natural Kentucky blonde.

Tiffany treats us to "Hero" by Mariah Carey and when the first note warbles out of her mouth Randy is already chuckling like a jerk. Okay, she's awful and can't carry a tune. They tell her to go ahead and go to college, which is her American Idol fallback plan. I'd say good luck with that as well, Tiffany. She offers to start again, but Simon puts it into horse racing terms for the Kentuckian to understand. He points out the window to the racetrack and says, "Picture 20 horses and a donkey." Ouch. Tiffany is, of course, the donkey in this scenario. She's understandably pissed and comes out proclaiming to the cameras that she's much better than many people who make it to American Idol and to "prove" it she slaughters "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson and whines her way out of the audition. That's a shame. Who's next?

Joanna is here from Philadelphia (which helps explain the 11,000 people). She's 23 and has been trying to make it in the music business for years! Who hasn't? She moved to L.A. by herself when she was 16, which couldn't have been a good plan and she says it's much harder than anyone would think. True that, Joanna, TRUE THAT. She looks like the Idol type and I'm predicting she'll make it through. Let's take a look. The New Judge (I honestly don't know her name) recognizes Joanna and says she was signed with A & M Records. Random recognition. Simon wants to know what went wrong, but Joanna just says it didn't work out. She sings "We Belong" by Pat Benitar quite well in that belting style the judges love and they all give her a fat yes. Who called it? That's right, Honey Gangsta, and don't forget it.

Joanna's occupation says it all.

Now we meet Mark Mudd, who is 25 going on 60. He's a Kentucky native and tells us that he's been in two terrible car accidents and almost died five times.

"AND I already have 16 grandkids!"

Wow, a cheerful audition, how refreshing! It turns out that he is the descendant of one Dr. Mudd who treated John Wilkes Boothe following the Lincoln Assassination, went straight to jail and inspired the phrase, "Your name is Mudd." What a legacy. And it sounds like he's carrying on the family tradition quite nicely. I'm thinking he's going to suck. He sings "White Lightening" by George Jones. It's a hillbilly song and he's just okay. He didn't suck as bad as I thought he would, but the judges aren't down. They wish him luck and on his way out the door Mark tells them to be careful, which Paula immediately interprets as a death threat. I personally think it's innocuous considering Mark's shaky history, and it's probably something people tell him all the time. Relax, Paula. Pop something from your purse and calm down. No one is trying to kill you today.

"...and I only brought three bodyguards."

Ah here we have Brent Keith Smith from Ohio singing Bad Company's "Can't Get Enough." He looks like a frat boy and I'm going to predict a "no." Oh, I may be wrong; he is not bad at all. And a Classic Rock number is always okay by me. Judges? Simon thinks that this was the completely wrong song for Brent and he should have done something more emotional. Paula starts freaking out with indignity and screams, "I say yes!" New Judge raises her hand and asks permission to speak. The judges bicker for a while about just whose turn it is to speak and then Simon gives his yes. Paula and New Judge pretend to be outrageously disrespected and act like they are going to hide under the table. I'd be so mad if I were Brent Keith Smith - what a waste of time. Then everyone says yes and Brent emerges through the curtain with his "golden ticket" to Hollywood. Fabulous.

After the break we learn that Louisville is not only famous for the Kentucky Derby, but also for being the home of the Louisville Slugger. Hey, good point, American Idol! And here comes a montage of people who are awful, including a girl who sounds like the Mayor of the Munchkin City, a guy wearing a zebra motif - including a black and white striped face - who sings about Mr. Zebra, and an obese ice cream server doing Michael Jackson moves to "Billie Jean."

He even has a mane.

Next up is Matt, a dueling piano player from Kalamazoo, Michigan. I had no idea that was a real place. He sings a song that I recognize, but I have no idea of the title or who sings it, but he's actually pretty good. New Judge says that she really likes Matt and his unique tone. Simon decides to let Matt know that his problem is not believing in himself. They all say yes and it's next stop Hollywood for the kid from Kalamazoo.

Here we have Ross, another Kentucky native who looks like he has more than one problem.

"My mom says I'm special."

He likes studying challenging things like physics and languages. That's fascinating, Ross. Can you sing? Well, he says that he's taught himself to sing using You Tube videos and internet articles. Oh boy. Why does this guy want to go on American Idol? I honestly don't get it. He goes in front of the judges and starts telling them how he mathematically arranges Chinese characters in his spare time. See what I mean? This guy wants to be a singer? The judges are apparently wondering the same thing and ask Ross why he's here, to which he answers that singing is one of the many things he enjoys. I'm predicting terrible. He sings an Italian aria and is, in fact, terrible. Shocking. I guess Ross couldn't arrange his vocal chords mathematically as easily as he could Chinese characters. The judges giggle and then join in the aria. Then they ask for something current and Ross draws a blank. He says that the reason he sucks is that the air is dry, so Paula offers him a sip of water. He walks right over and helps himself to whatever is in her Coca-Cola cup - right through her straw! Paula is appalled. Why is Ross still in here? He's obviously not moving on and they just want to torture him. Okay, carry on. He sings a note and a half of "Love Me Tender" and they stop him and tell him to get lost. That was useful. Paula asks for a new drink. Buh-bye, Ross.

Oh, here's a happy montage of 10 lucky Louisville-ers who are awarded golden tickets to Hollywood. How celebratory. Fun times in Kentucky.

It's Day 2 in Loo-uh-vull and we have a whole new slew of crazies. I mean hopefuls. First up is 21-year-old stay-at-home-mom Alexis from Memphis, Tennessee. Alexis tells us that her illegitimate daughter is her primary motivation for auditioning today. That's so inspiring. I'm going to get pregnant so that I'll be motivated to get off my butt and hitch my wagon to a star! She sings "Dr. Feelgood" by Aretha Franklin. I'm predicting a yes, but let's see. Oh yep. She belts her heart out, but the judges seem hesitant. Simon says she has a very commercial face. Good thing she's not on America's Next Top Model.

"I'm only doing it for my baby."

What'll it be, people? It's a yes, so it looks like the baby will be making a road trip to support her momma's dreams. She emerges carrying a guitar that never made it into the audition, but her family seems happy. Her daughter just keeps sleeping. She'll realize how important this is someday... won't she?

"This is the best day of my three-year-old life!"

Next the judges are very bored with a whole bunch of contestants. They even interrupt one suckfest by bursting out all together with "I've Been Working on the Railroad." Well that's considerate. And professional.

Graciousness personified.

But here comes a ball of energy named Aaron Williamson. He screams "Woo!" repeatedly and then trots in to impress the judges. Right away he blows it and says he's here to be America's Next Top Idol. Oops, wrong reality show. Aaron tells us he's going to sing Creesdon Clearwater's Revival, "Have You Ever Seen the Rain." As a Classic Rock fan, I already don't appreciate Aaron's blubbing of Credence Clearwater Revival, but let's see what he's got. Oh dear, he's awful. He just yells the song, but the judges get all into it, clapping along and giving him false hope. Ryan Seacrest busts in to see what all the screaming is about. Please leave, Ryan. Simon advises Aaron to do something with his life that involves a lot of yelling. Like what, Simon? And after all of them telling him how much fun he is they give him the big boot up the butt. Later Aaron. Sad piano music plays as Aaron comes through the curtains with the bad news. Ryan tries to cheer him up by giving him his phone number, but Aaron isn't having any of it.

Now we are introduced to Rebecca Garcia via the Louisville Fox morning news. Apparently Paula had nothing better to do this morning than watch Rebecca on the news, so she recognizes her as she comes through the door.

Live from the horseraces... I'm just sayin.

It turns out Rebecca is wearing some kind of arm band that serves as a cheat sheet with her song lyrics on it. Well, that's classy. She sings "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood. I'm predicting bad. And I'm right. She writhes around while singing and New Judge is laughing so hard she leans on Randy for support. So mean. But deserved as well. New Judge notices from Rebecca's form that she was voted "Most Humorous" in high school and says that she gets it - this number was all a big joke! Ha ha ha! Rebecca starts to cry. Way to go, New Judge. Simon tells Rebecca out of the kindness of his huge heart NOT to have a career in music. Aw, poor Rebecca. She comes out sobbing and her mom tells her not to let those silly judges discourage her.

Another happy montage! It looks like there are several more people in Kentucky who can sing well enough to visit Los Angeles. We meet the final contestant of the day, Leneshe from Cincinnati. Leneshe's mother shares that her pastor prophesied that Leneshe would make her rich someday and she's still waiting for Leneshe to cough it up. It turns out that Leneshe and her siblings were raised homeless by their single mother. Doesn't her mother know that the thing to do when you're a poor single mom is to go on American Idol? I guess this one's going to let her daughter do it instead. They are really counting on this endeavor to make them rich. Interesting. If Leneshe doesn't make it through then her family was just highly exploited by Fox. She meets the judges and says she's going to sing a song she wrote called "Natty." Oh wow, she's great. So is the song. The judges are in love and invite her to Hollywood. Well that's a relief for Leneshe's mom. That big fat check might just be on its way.

And that wraps it up for Loo-uh-vull Kentucky. It was an exciting two days on the racetrack, wasn't it?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Miami - Swirling Wind of Ruin

Get it?

Welcome to Miami! Bienvenido a Miami! Ah Miami. Home of Scarface. Will American Idol be leading us on a drug-filled adventure through the crowded beaches and scantily-clad leathery women (and dudes)? Join me please in the crime laden streets of debauchery to see if we can weed out this generation’s emerging mega-talent.

We start with an extraordinarily clever mock-up of the Miami Vice opening credits to prove that we are, in fact, holding today’s auditions in Miami. Oooh, I get it. Miami Vice was in Miami, just like American Idol. Seacrest tells us that over ten thousand certifiably insane people have waited for hours in the heat for their chance to be a superstar. Like Justin Guarini. They herd everyone into an indoor stadium and force them to sing “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You,” by Gloria Estefan, because that is very representative of what is hot right now. Or because she used to belong to Miami Sound Machine and everything has to be a tie-in. Next Don Johnson steps out to wish everyone good luck – wait, no he doesn’t.

Ah, here come the judges. Paula tells us that Miami is one of her favorite cities – never get high on your own supply, Paula – and Simon and Randy have no idea where they are. The whole audition circuit is such a whirlwind, you know. Now we meet a young lady named Shannon McGough – she must be Mexican – who is wearing an outfit straight out of the 80’s and fitting right in with the Miami Vice theme. She’s from Okeechobee, Florida and she tells us that she works at her parents’ glamorous meat market where they have wallpapered the place with pictures of Shannon winning singing contests. Who’s small-town? She also graces us with her belching talent, which is absolutely thrilling, and you just know she thinks it’s hot. She prances in and tells the judges that she will be singing “Cry Baby” by Janis Joplin. Then she opens her mouth and positively screeches her way into the song.

American Alley Cat

Simon gives her an appalled look and tells her that he had a late night last night and he certainly didn’t want to wake up to this nonsense. Paula and Randy agree – they couldn’t detect a melody and it was all-around horrible. Shannon asks if she can’t sing something else and the judges beg her not to, but she does anyway, so they reiterate everything that is wrong with her. Namely, she can’t sing. Shannon is 100% dumbfounded. After all, she won Okeechobee Idol! She’s been “singing” since she was three years old and no one has ever had the nerve to tell her before that she sucks. Simon says (hee hee) that’s because most people don’t know what they’re talking about. So I don’t get it, is she going to Hollywood or not? It’s unclear. Ahem, that would be a unanimous NO and Shannon is seriously baffled. She steps out into the hall where she and her family all look into the cameras imploringly, as if to ask us all if we can believe this tomfoolery. Shannon announces she’s done with American Idol – oh what a sad loss – but now she’s back to Okeechobee where she can win every single contest because when there’s one entrant, guess who wins.

Next we meet Robbie, who used to be in a boy band, but is now a rocker. Well, whatever sells, Robbie. He’s actually got a pretty nice voice, but there is absolutely nothing “rocker” about him. He might as well have sung “Tearin’ Up My Heart.” They like him, so he’s in and he runs out into the hall where his family is waiting to spray him down with silly string. How rocker. Now we see blips of a bunch of guys who totally bite it, including one who is wearing a poncho and who doesn’t sing, but plays a Pan flute – I wish I were kidding.

Lost boy

Ghaleb is Venezuelan and playing his acoustic guitar out in the hall, telling us how music is his entire life and he plays gypsy music on every instrument in existence. For the judges he sings a Marc Anthony song and Simon says he’d only enjoy Ghaleb’s singing if he were drunk. Paula likes him, but says his accent is too thick. Randy says yes, so Ghaleb’s fate hangs on Paula Abdul making the decision of a lifetime. Spying the chance to grab some attention, Paula gets up and starts pacing around the room as if she has never been so tortured. Oh Paula, give it up, you’ve done this ten million times, who cares? She paces her way over to Ghaleb to hug him and tell him, “Welcome to Hollywood.” Ah ha! She was “pacing” in order to find an excuse to physically contact the Latino. Of course he hugs her back but before she can order wedding invitations he prances out into the hall and kisses everyone in sight, including Seacrest who pretends not to like it.

Paula sneaks her cheap thrills.

Up next are Corliss and Brittany, who weigh about 300 pounds each and envelop Seacrest on a small sofa.

Honey, we shrunk Ryan.

They discuss what kind of guys they like and run around the halls hitting on/scaring the pants off of male auditioners, staff, bystanders, what have you. They whine to the judges about their man troubles – that they can’t find any – and Corliss apparently has a thing for Randy. She serenades him with a jazz song, then Brittany does “My Guy” for Simon. They both have incredible voices, but I dare you to picture two white girls that size getting tickets to Hollywood. Congrats, Corliss and Brittany!

Suzanne Toon is aptly named – though sadly misspelled – for this competition. She brings tears to my eyes with her sob story of being a knocked up teen turned single mother needing to win the lottery to support her child. She’s tired of struggling and figures that her best bet is to become a celebrity. She’s also got some really funky ringlets.

"Either I win American Idol or my baby starves."

She sounds good to me, and Paula says that her voice is sultry, so okay. Simon says that when she sang she became more attractive. So, he thinks she’s ugly. Well, she’s in and she runs out into the hall screaming while some woman holds her sleeping three-year-old. Wake up, sweetie! All of mommy’s dreams are about to come true.

For some random reason, now Seacrest does a little plug for a girl named Jasmine Trias, who came in third place on the third season of American Idol. That’s fascinating and I’ve never heard of her and I still don’t care after hearing about her.

Here comes tiny little Ramiele Malubay, who wants to be the first Asian American Idol – she’s Filipino. Simon thinks she’s adorable and after she belts out Aretha Franklin’s “Natural Woman,” I’m almost ready to buy her cd – well, at least download it illegally. Simon tells her she sounds like a hotel singer, as opposed to anything contemporary, but Paula thinks she’s phenomenal, and they let her through.

"Catch my act at the Golden Nugget!"

Oooh, it’s Day 2 now and for some reason Randy is sporting a shirt featuring an enormous flower and we are forced to watch Simon calling his mom. Oh please, where are the singers? Ah, let’s meet Syesha Mercado. She’s thrilled right now because through positive thinking, she has caused many, many, many good things to happen in her life. Well, isn’t that wonderful? Her dad joins her – fresh out of rehab – to wish her luck and tell her he loves her. This is a “touching moment,” you see. For her audition she also chooses an Aretha Franklin number – this one is “Think,” and she nails it. Randy and Paula love her, but of course Simon thinks she had to try too hard. Whatever, she’s going to Hollywood. No “celebrating,” dad.

A girl named Natashia sings tonight’s token “At Last.” I hardly ever watch this show, but each time I have, someone sings this song. Apparently Natashia sings it right, because she’s in. Next a girl named Ilsy sings the stupidest song ever written, which is “Unfaithful,” by Rihanna. She doesn’t want to be… a MURDERER. Ilsy’s in.

Ew, now more snippets from people who suck, including a guy named Grant who has a conniption fit singing a Whitney Houston song. Simon tells him to come back in a dress.

Someone feels like a natural woman.

Then there’s Fabienne Hyppolite, whose name is enough to make her the next American Idol. She sings “When I Fall in Love,” with a really heavy accent while plugging one ear. Simon tells her he was tempted to plug both ears. Sorry, Fabienne. Richard comes in and sings straight through his nose for the judges to rip him to shreds.

Now we are lucky enough to meet Julie Dubela, who has absolutely no doubt of getting invited to Hollywood because you see, she was in the top 20 of American Juniors, four years ago when she was 12. What’s American Juniors? We see clips of a bunch of little kids singing and doing arm motions and the editors have cut in scenes of Julie recreating those performances today for her fellow auditioners. They are so lucky! Julie tells us that this is her dream and she doesn’t believe in mediocrity. Well excuse us, Julie. She marches in like she owns the place and sings another Janis Joplin song. While she sings she strides around making grand arm gestures and Simon cuts her off and tells her he’d rather see it without all the acting. She’s over-rehearsed, you see. They tell her basically that her bark is way too big for her bite – in other words, she sucks. I actually thought she had a nice voice, but her snooty little attitude was enough to make me never want to see her again. They tell her she’s not ready and to take off. With that, she bursts into Mariah Carey’s “Butterfly,” because nothing wins these judges over like being ignored. Simon suggests that Julie give up singing and become an actress and she yell-argues back that she’s just being herself – SHE’S NOT ACTING!!

"Listen, retards. This is like, my real personality.
I was on American Juniors!"

They tell her to forget it and she turns on her heel and storms out. Seacrest has been listening at the door and backs away quick. Julie comes out and announces that she gave up singing at a Red Sox game to grace us with her presence here today and those idiot judges didn’t even have the common courtesy to adore her! She was on American Juniors! She tells us all to be sure and not audition for American Idol. Oh thanks, Julie, I was just zipping up my suitcase. I’m glad you saved me the trip.

Up next is a very “special” hopeful named Brandon Black. He is not only a singer, he is also a standup comedian. He enters his audition in full swing as some obnoxious alter ego of himself, introducing himself while wearing a wig. Suffice it to say it is highly inappropriate and extremely irritating. He finally drops the character and tells Paula he will be singing “I’ll Make Love to You” directly to her. Paula has the audacity to pretend this offends her. Oh please, attention whore. He does a little falsetto thing and starts stripping – I swear this is true – while he sings. He follows his striptease up with a little ditty he wrote himself about him becoming the next American Idol. This is obviously nonsense and the judges tell him to knock it off. So how does he finish? He gets back into his alter ego character and does some more “funny,” then asks them if it is a yes or a no. Ha!

Mercifully this is the end of the Miami audition circuit and we get to see lots of people bawling after being told they are worthless. Only 17 are told they are decent enough to continue to the next round of public humiliation. Next week it’s off to Atlanta where a whole new crop of crazies show up to prove that they are attention-starved wannabes. Can’t wait!

Thanks for reading!
Honey Gangsta