The Bachelor Like, Keeps it Fun

You know, last week we didn’t get to drop in on the Pet Beautician and his gallant quest to find true love, so I honestly had forgotten all about this show and what has happened so far. But never to fear, because as always, trusty Chris Harrison has once again popped up to fill me in on every second since the premiere episode. Now I remember – this guy is supposedly an Italian prince and he’s tooling around with a bunch of desperate girls who think that going on a reality game show is a great way to find a lifelong partner. Last week he got rid of the girl who is actually Italian and he’s left with the smug one, the boring one, and the one with herpes. I’m all caught up now.

So what’s on tap for this week? Ah yes, the fantasy overnight dates. This is where PB takes each of the three remaining girls on some extravagant getaway, and they will have the “option” to spend the night together as a couple in a fantasy suite. We open with PB packing for his fantasy dates, and telling us that he is excited because the more time he spends with each girl, the more he knows about them. I actually don’t think that’s true. How much can you get to know about someone in such a fake, staged situation? They seem to have the same conversations over and over. I’ll give PB a thumbs-down on that one. Then he goes into a Bachelor cliché about seeing qualities in all three girls that he would like in a future wife (like they’re female, alive and speak English – sorry Agnese), but he’s not here to find three women, he’s here to find one. I think he’s said this every week: “I’m not here to be with 27 women… I’m not here to be with 12 women… I’m not here to be with 9 women… 6 women… 4 women… 3…” and it’s still riveting every time, isn’t it?

First fantasy stop is Göteburg, Sweden. It looks very Scandinavian, and PB looks very lost standing there waiting for date number one to arrive. Up pulls an SUV, and out pops Jen, in very perky form today. PB confessionals that when he’s with Jen, he feels like no one else is around. The moment he met Jen, he thought she was gorgeous and he wanted to get to know her better. Again, he says that line all the time. Just wait, I bet he says it about both other girls tonight, too. We now have flashbacks of Jen and PB’s former dates, as if they weren’t bad enough the first time. Filler, people, filler! PB claims that what he loves best is how he feels when he’s with Jen. Whatever. He says he hasn’t seen her open up emotionally yet, so he’s bringing her to an amusement park where they can have some intimate, meaningful conversation on a roller coaster. He pries right into Jen’s inner feelings by asking her to try and pronounce the Swedish signs that surround them in the Swedish amusement park – it’s getting deeply personal now.

After that they stop in at the Ice Gallery & Bar, which is a bar made entirely of ice. I’ve heard about places like this – where the furniture is ice, the glasses are ice, everything. PB cleverly uses the Ice Bar setting to transition into discussing the cold winters in New York – would Jen mind living in New York? Of course not! She’s a teacher, for crying out loud, and she can do that anywhere! It’s what we like to call the porta-wife. You know, the girl who goes into something like teaching or nursing because she can do it anywhere her man wants to go to follow his little dreams (the last Bachelor winner was a teacher, the one before that was a nurse). Well, now PB confessionals that he’s thrilled that Jen opened up to him like that. Apparently that’s all it took – a little attempted Swedish pronunciation and the nod to New York. Done! They now know each other intimately. These two are downright soporific (I played Cranium last night).

Back from commercial, it’s time for dinner. PB decides he’s pulling out the big guns now – even bigger than New York winters and Swedish roller coasters. Even bigger than Jen’s dad’s gun. He wants to know if Jen has ever been in love. Yes, she tells him. Twice. Once in high school and once in college. She said it was hard to break up, but it made her stronger and now she’s ready to get married and have kids. And now she has a question for PB. Good call, Jen. I’m wondering if PB has ever been in love with the Paris Hilton types he’s most certainly dated. In fact, he’s pushing mid-30’s now, so I want to know what the problem is. What’s gone wrong? Why hasn’t he been able to find anyone? Are we about to get some insight? No. All she says is, “What do you think makes a relationship work?” Hello? You’re asking him? The guy who comes on TV to find a wife because conventional dating just hasn’t cut it? How on earth would he know what makes a relationship work? Or not work, for that matter? Obviously he hasn’t figured anything out. Ok, let’s hear his answer. “Having a good time with that person. Having a lot of like, things in common. You need understanding. You need to like, keep it fun. And you need to listen.” He keeps blathering and sums it up saying that he thinks the excitement you feel at the beginning of a relationship needs to continue. Well, I think that answered both Jen’s question and my previous question about why he’s still single. PB just described what is important in a drinking buddy. If this is seriously what he thinks is important in a wife, he has no chance of ever making anything work. Why do guys think that having fun together is all that’s important? If that were true, couldn’t everybody marry just about anybody and it would all be fine? Having fun together is important on a first date, because then you might want a second date. Making a relationship work long-term is an entirely different undertaking. This line of thinking is exactly why tons of people get divorced – it’s not as fun as it was when we very first met. No kidding, really? What about mutual respect and admiration? What about wanting to make someone else’s life better? What about similar life goals and dreams? Values? Priorities? Anything ringing a bell here? No. You need to like, keep it fun. Jen confessionals that this was a pivotal conversation in their relationship. I guess that’s one way to put it.

Now PB busts out the note from Chris asking the two of them if they would like to spend the night together as a couple in the fantasy suite. Jen of course, says yes. Shocking. They should be able to like, keep this fun. At the fantasy suite, Jen gushes over how wonderful everything is – especially the fact that they have been provided with real strawberries. Yes, it was nice of the producers to put actual fruit next to the champagne and not just plastic decorations to trick them. Now the Boring Couple gets into the hot tub and thanks each other for their fun day. Yawn. PB confessionals that he has stronger feelings for Jen now. She opened up to him more than he ever expected (did we miss something?), and he’s blown away. But he’s going into his next two dates with an open mind.

Next we go to Budapest, Hungary for PB to spend some time with Smug Lisa. PB has a flashback to his hometown date with Smug Lisa and confessionals – again – that the entire wedding motif bothered him a bit. He wants to know if she’s here to be on a television show, here just because she wants to get married, or here for him. I must pause and say here that PB would have a lot of nerve kicking someone off for being there to get married. Isn’t that why he’s there? To get married? He had no clue whom he would meet before this started. I’d say old PB is there just because he wants to get married, so why can’t Smug Lisa be there for the same reason? And let’s not even go there about being on television. I mean, he comes on television and kicks someone off for wanting to be on television? Not okay, PB. Smug Lisa confessionals that she thinks her hometown date went really well and nothing went wrong and everyone had a good time. Well, you don’t earn the nickname Smug Lisa for nothing. The Psycho Couple heads over to a wine tasting festival to kick off the fantasy date. PB confessionals that he’s about to ask Smug Lisa some “very serious” questions to make sure he’s making the right decision. Oh great, we already found out his version of “very serious” questions, so I can’t wait for this. Will we be learning at long last what Smug Lisa’s favorite color is?

"So do you like red wine or white wine? I like red wine."

PB starts in on one of his “cornering” conversations. I’ve noticed that he likes to do this, where he asks a series of questions to try to get a girl to admit to something accidentally. This usually means that the girl in question is nearing the end of her stay on the show. For Smug Lisa he asks all about her love of The Bachelor as a television show. He gets her to say which past bachelors she’s liked and why, reminds her that it is a show about getting married, and points out that it’s strange that she applied for this season of The Bachelor before knowing anything about the royal PB. Smug Lisa is somewhat trapped and admits that it is kind of strange. She confessionals that the conversation didn’t go that well and she felt like she was on the spot. Not so smug anymore, are we?

Over dinner, the interrogation continues. PB wants to know about Smug Lisa’s past relationships. It turns out that Smug Lisa had a boyfriend in college who moved to Portland to be with her, but they “lost the passion” in their relationship and she fell in love with someone else – before she broke up with boyfriend number one. Hmm. I would say that “losing the passion” would be somewhere along the lines of not like, keeping it fun, in which case, PB should understand completely. He doesn’t seem to. The same way he doesn’t understand why Smug Lisa would want to go on television, or go on a show just to get married. He now wants to know how on earth she could have applied for The Bachelor so soon after breaking up with her last boyfriend. Smug Lisa says that she signed up on a whim and had no idea it would turn out like this, but she’s happy it has. PB is having none of it and tells her he will not be moving to Portland. Will she move to New York? Smug Lisa says they can cross that bridge when they come to it. It’s odd to find myself siding with Smug Lisa in a conversation, but she seems to be holding her own in this little skirmish. She even still looks pretty smug. And PB is being absolutely ridiculous with this line of questioning. He’s guilty of all the same things he’s calling her out on. I still say they’re a perfect match.

This next thing is funny. PB pulls out his note from Chris about the fantasy suite and begins to make his little speech. Smug Lisa totally cuts him off, takes the note out of his hands and puts it on the table without opening it, says she knows what it says and the answer is yes, she’d love to go see the fantasy suite and spend more time with him. Ta da! I’m afraid Smug Lisa just signed her own death warrant stealing PB’s thunder like that.

In the fantasy suite, Smug Lisa tells PB that she thinks the day has been kind of tough and she almost cried during dinner because PB was grilling her and it’s the first time she’s felt insecure about her status here. She says all of this with her smug grin, so I’m not really sure how to take it. PB, on the other hand, panics as he sees his chance to get some action dwindling. He quickly clarifies that just because he asks questions doesn’t mean he’s not into her. Back pedal, back pedal. PB confessionals that he was glad to see Smug Lisa open up and show her insecure side. Smug Lisa heads directly into the bedroom and tells PB that the night is only going to get better. She confessionals that the night ended with romance. Wow. This girl is a very smooth talker. She’s going to bag herself a husband in good time – even if it’s not the royal Pet Beautician.

Lastly we head to Sicily for PB’s date with Sadie and her herpes. Sadie confessionals that she is very worried about the time when PB will pull out the card and ask her to spend the night in the fantasy suite. She has no idea what she is going to do. PB confessionals that he likes Sadie because she’s funny and loves life, but most importantly because of the way she makes him feel (sounds familiar). PB and Sadie sit down next to an indoor pool and PB offers to tell Sadie where he’s been on his last two dates. That’s not very gentlemanly – reminding her that he’s been traveling and sleeping with two other girls. Sadie confessionals that she hates thinking about it because she knows the two other girls don’t have herpes, so there’s no telling how far they went physically with PB. PB tells Sadie not to worry because this is “Sadie Day and Night.” And to start right off with Sadie Day, they will be doing one of PB’s (not Sadie’s) favorite activities. They’re going scuba diving in the swimming pool! Will somebody please get this guy under control? He is such an adventure freak, I just can’t stand it anymore. Now, similar to “flying” PB’s airplane, Sadie is “scuba diving” in an indoor swimming pool. There must be more to do and see in Sicily for pete’s sake. The Godfather was born here!

Next the Confused Couple goes outside to get massages. Sadie starts talking about all the “firsts” she’s been experiencing with PB. You know, outdoor massages, flying airplanes, scuba diving in a pool… what else? What other “firsts” can Sadie think of? Hmm. I have no idea! She’s getting little pieces of nervousness about the whole herpes ordeal. PB confessionals that his concern at this point is how he and Sadie will respond behind closed doors together. Can they have chemistry together, what with her having herpes and all? Sadie confessionals that it was hot and sexy to give each other massages, but she’s still nervous about the fantasy card. She doesn’t know if it will hurt her or help her.

Over dinner, all Sadie can think about is the fantasy card. It means a lot for her because she does have herpes and she doesn’t want PB to get the wrong idea. PB says that the conversation is going to get a lot more serious tonight - can he ever have an original thought? Sadie launches into a speech telling PB why she likes him and the moment she decided she liked him, and she knows they have fun together, but now it’s getting beyond just that. She is the first girl to show that she has any brain waves besides just being flirty and silly. She actually has something so say – unlike Jen who has nothing to say, and unlike Smug Lisa who has a lot to say, but it’s all manipulative nonsense. Sadie definitely stands out, but that brings us back to… herpes. PB makes a speech about how he wants somebody who respects him and loves life and is happy and will be there to help him through everything. Nothing this time about like, keeping it fun. Sadie confessionals that while PB said that, she was thinking that she wants the exact same things and that’s scary. Okay, I know I was just loving on Sadie, but seriously, PB just said another bunch of generic stuff here that everyone wants – that’s not some mystic connection. Sadie excuses herself to go and ponder the fantasy card and think about herpes. She needs PB to know that she’s classy and conservative and accepting the card is a big deal. She knows that sleeping with PB doesn’t guarantee her a rose, so she just doesn’t know what to do. She comes back to the table and starts babbling about all of the hesitation she’s been going through about this fantasy card, and that the fact is, she does have herpes, but she also really thinks a lot of PB. PB looks like he is completely constipated and he finally cuts her off, saying he gets it, and her herpes is a part of who she is, and he really likes her and will offer her the fantasy card, but there’s no pressure – he just wants to cuddle (straight out of the Guy Manual – ladies, we all know what this means). Sadie decides to take a big risk, and put PB at big risk and go to the overnight suite. She confessionals that PB has been totally respectful about her having herpes and that he didn’t pressure her, he just wanted to spend time with her. He’s just like a prince should be. He could be the one!

"You can act like a man!"

Finally we are to the rose ceremony. PB confessionals how hard this all is, but he’s here to find a wife, and he’s ready to hurt someone’s feelings. Outside, Chris Harrison makes an appearance and reminds all of the girls that their relationships with PB have gotten very serious, so tonight is going to be extremely difficult. There are only two roses. Here comes PB. He thanks the three girls. He repeats the thing again about not wanting to be with three women, just one woman, blah, blah, blah. This is so hard, so he’s just going to get it over with. Sadie gets rose number one for not spreading herpes. One left! No reminder from Chris! Jen gets rose number two for being boring.

"But everything went so well! Nothing went wrong.
Everybody had a really good time."

Ha! Smug Lisa is denied! Chris comes out and tells her to get lost. This is a conundrum because I do truly believe Smug Lisa is the one PB deserves, but on the other hand, I’m excited to see her have to leave brokenhearted and in shame. Let’s continue. PB confessionals that there were problems and he doesn’t want to have to hurt Smug Lisa more later than he’s going to right now. He sits down with Smug Lisa and gives the consolation speech. He’s always thought she was beautiful – I hate that comment, but I already complained about that last week. He says that he’s concerned about her “biological calendar” and he would never know if she really liked him. Smug Lisa says she applied for The Bachelor because she thought it would be fun – and to possibly find someone she would be with forever (you know, as an afterthought). PB complains that she shouldn’t have signed up for fun. That’s not what this is about. (So now we're not like, keeping it fun?) Smug Lisa says you should have fun while you’re dating. PB says, yes, but you said that was your priority. Smug Lisa says, no, just one of the reasons I applied. If you’re not having fun you shouldn’t do it. PB says, “Okay. Well on that note, can I walk you to your car?” Ha! Awkward! He is seriously one of the most uncomfortable people I’ve ever seen. On her ride of shame, Smug Lisa says she totally thought she would get a rose tonight. She says she would never get married for the wrong reasons. She now downplays the entire 5-year-plan that was her entire characterization on the show and says that it’s just in the back of her mind to have things happen like that. But she would never marry some random person just because she wants to get married. Um excuse me, sweetie, but I think that’s what you almost just did. Or was this not you we saw last week?

Smug Lisa continues her ride of shame: “I think that he made a mistake. You know, I feel like I came here and was honest and open and could express my feelings even though it’s hard. And I think that relationships are a compromise, and he should appreciate that I’m a person, and that I wouldn’t… boo hoo hoo.” She crumbles into sobs. “I do feel like that this could have worked out to be my fairy tale. Like, yes I came to Rome to meet a prince and to fall in love, and I thought it was going totally on track. I’ll always be a princess – even if I’m not Lorenzo’s princess. I feel like a princess.” Sniff sniff. If they hire her as the next Bachelorette I will not be pleased. She is way too smug and the last thing she needs is guys lined up to fight over her. But she is in the perfect frame of mind to be the Bachelorette. I’ll be surprised if they don’t make her an offer – although I’d much rather see Erica in the role.

Next week is the Women Tell All. Finally! The videos I thought Erica would show everyone will be shown (maybe). And Smug Lisa is back, fresh off of her rejection.

This is becoming quite the toss up. What do you think?

The Bachelor Has Failure to Communicate

"Are you serious? I have to say 'thank you' in Italian?"

So wait a second, what is this show about? Oh, thanks Chris Harrison, for reminding me. An Italian prince came to Rome to find his princess. He started with 25 hopefuls and he’s worked very hard narrowing them down and tonight he’s going home with four of them to meet their families. It is what we like to call the “hometown dates.”

We’re starting off with Sadie in San Diego. Sadie confessionals the complete obvious: she is in her element at home and she only brings home guys that mean something to her. Well that’s weird, and I’m glad she cleared that up. When PB shows up she gallops over to him and he awkwardly scoops her up for a peck on the cheek and then quickly releases her. He confessionals that Sadie is fun, he likes her personality and her honesty. And we all know what’s next when the word “honesty” comes up. Here we go AGAIN with Sadie’s virginity. PB has to tell the camera once again that Sadie wasn’t even afraid to tell him she is a virgin, she was just honest. Frankly, with all the fuss they’ve made over this, it would have made more sense if Sadie had told him she had herpes. Seriously: she was brave enough to tell him, she was honest; she wanted him to know before someone else told him. And from his point of view, it took so much courage for her to tell him that it just makes him respect her all that much more. He’s not going to hold it against her. What? There are guys who found this to be a problem? Well then I guess they lost out on dating a great girl. Am I right? This would all make much more sense if Sadie had herpes. In fact, that is how I will refer to this topic from now on because I just can’t focus on the virginity thing for one more second – it’s too ridiculous.

You never know who has VD.

Sadie tells PB that her family is going to fall in love with him, but she doesn’t want him to say anything lame. That’s not possible, Sadie. At Casa de Sadie, Sadie starts to regale her family with tales from Rome, like how at first they would all go on group dates, but then for her first single date with PB, they went to this little airport and Sadie was excited to maybe fly somewhere, but it turned out that PB was actually the pilot! Her family reacts like he flew the space shuttle or something, instead of the dorky little two-seater. PB of course has to point out that Sadie flew too, which is like saying that Sadie was responsible for the sun setting – she didn’t do anything! PB then says it was his best date that day. What a creep. Sadie’s mom confessionals that PB is down-to-earth and she was impressed that he made eye contact. I can’t get over how low the bar for “impressive” has gotten. After family prayer around the dinner table, Sadie’s mom asks PB what he’s looking for in a mate. Here is his “impressive” answer: honesty, my best friend, and someone I can trust. The first and last one seem redundant, but whatever, it’s extremely impressive. As Sadie clears the dishes, PB tells her dad that Sadie has blown him away and he has nothing but the best intentions. He can see where Sadie got all her great qualities. He doesn’t want to hurt anybody, and he’s speechless around Sadie. Her dad nods and says, “Thank you. That’s cool.” Ha – cute dad.

In the kitchen Sadie gushes to her mom that she just trusts PB. He’s so smart and humble, and he’s like daddy because he puts other people before himself, opens doors for her and feels safe. She says he’s the kind of guy she would be proud to have on her arm. Interestingly, it’s this “arm” comment that makes Sadie’s mom spring to attention and say that this is a big deal. Hmm, so PB is a trophy? Fair enough – that’s all guys have needed from women for centuries. Sadie confessionals that she’s been hurt before, so she’s guarding her heart. But what this could be is just so worth the risk.

Next Sadie announces that she has a big surprise for PB, so she must bid her family fond farewell. PB confessionals something stupid about how much love there is with Sadie’s family and it meant a lot. Here is how it sounded to me: uh, duh, duh, duh. Mm, duh. The big surprise is that Sadie takes PB to Moonlight Beach to sit around a fire pit. PB asks if Sadie is trying to seduce him and she jokes for a second and then seriously says, “No.” Snap! He earned that one after his reaction when Sadie suggested he might want to kiss her last week. Sadie confessionals that she’s opening up more quickly than she ever has before, and she sees potential and it’s scary. The scary part I’ll agree with. Yucky smooching on the beach.

Oooh, next we visit Portland where Smug Lisa is walking her dog – just like she told Jeannette she would do for her hometown date! I guess we can plan on her brother serving dinner and walking across the way for gelato for dessert. Smug Lisa recaps her five year plan for us once again. PB confessionals that even though Smug Lisa is the first girl he had an emotional and physical connection with, she hasn’t opened up to him yet. Well, get ready PB, for the opening up of a lifetime! Over at Casa de Smug Lisa, PB learns that they will be painting an Italian fresco on the wall. He should like this since he’s all about themes – I guess the theme is “Italian,” which PB is not. Whatever, it’s natural. What’s also natural is that as PB and Smug Lisa begin to paint a pretty picture, they also start giggling and painting each other’s faces. Very third grade. PB confessionals that Smug Lisa showed him her “unpredictable side.” Doesn’t he realize that she doesn’t have an unpredictable side? It’s all there in the five year plan – including this fresco painting turning into a paint flirt-fest.

The next thing to happen is that Smug Lisa’s best friend bursts through the door carrying a wedding dress. She and Smug Lisa scream and jump around. Smug Lisa says, “Why would you bring me a wedding dress?” Wink, wink. Best friend Ally says, “Well I found out you were in the final four – I figured you might need this.” Nod, nod. Wink, wink. Smug Lisa confessionals that Ally, her best friend in the whole world, just showed up and completely out of nowhere brought a wedding dress! What a surprise! Ally tells Smug Lisa to try it on and Smug Lisa pretends to think about it for a nanosecond before snatching it away from Ally. While Smug Lisa runs to her bedroom to put on the dress that we all know has been purchased, fitted, and hanging in her closet for years, Ally busts the news to PB about the super secret timeline. Thanks, Ally, for sharing, but the producers told PB about this a long time ago. He ever-so-stealthily brought it up on their date in the park. Smug Lisa comes out in the wedding dress and curtseys. This is getting weirder and weirder. Has she no pride? Okay, dumb question. Ally stands up and hands Smug Lisa a tiara. Smug Lisa says, “Oh no,” like she’s shocked at the thought, but at the same time she says that she takes the tiara and puts it on her head. PB confessionals that Smug Lisa looked beautiful but he was a little freaked out by it. That’s actually the first sane thing I’ve heard out of PB this entire season. I’m not even really sure what else I can say about this. The absurdity speaks for itself. What frightens me most about Smug Lisa is that I don’t think she is an act, like Erica. This girl will seriously pull out all the stops to get someone down the aisle. It’s so odd. What ever happened to getting married because you’ve fallen in love with someone you can’t live without? Now it’s just about trying to pinch someone into submission so that you can – get married. It’s getting married for the concept of getting married, instead of getting married because you are inspired by someone. And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high… Thanks, Smug Lisa, for contributing to the statistics. (And for making women look like imbeciles.)

"NOW can you picture me as a princess?"

Now it’s time for dinner with Smug Lisa’s parents and brother. As everyone sits down at the table, Smug Lisa proudly announces that she had a wedding dress on earlier. I’m tempted again to question her shame factor. Smug Lisa’s mom finally says what everyone is thinking, which is, “A little strange. A little scary.” A little? I’m trying to think what my parents would say if I did that. They would be absolutely mortified. They would probably apologize to PB right in front of me. And my parents are extremely pro-marriage. Her parents ask PB if he saw Smug Lisa’s bride magazines. They have a good chuckle over it – they honestly think this is cute and charming – but I still can’t believe they aren’t dying of humiliation. Smug Lisa’s dad confessionals that his daughter is a planner – she’s been making lists since she was a little girl. Okay. Most people know that they eventually want to get married and have a family without putting it on a list. So thanks, dad, but the lists don’t explain why your daughter is completely psychotic. Nor have you explained yet why you’re not more embarrassed.

Smug Lisa and her dad have a sit-down to talk about PB. Smug Lisa, of course, mentions the important things, like the diamond earrings – did you know they are 2.5 carats each and are worth 15,000 dollars? These are crucial matters when choosing a husband. Meanwhile, Smug Lisa’s mom forces PB into an impromptu Pilates session on the floor. Okay, so this is an entire family of psychos. Smug Lisa giggles and says, “Mom, what are you doing to my date?” My date? Did they get set up on match.com and are just meeting for the first time? My date? What a weird way to refer to the man you are planning to marry. This girl is so completely out of touch. PB tells Smug Lisa’s parents that he can see where she got all of her great qualities. On the doorstep, Smug Lisa demands “more kisses,” and bounces up and down giggling while PB says goodbye. PB confessionals that he’s concerned because Smug Lisa has an agenda. He hopes she’s here not just because she wants to get married, but because she actually likes him. Newsflash, PB. None of these girls actually like you, so you can forget that right now. You need to start worrying about all the money you’ll be stuck paying when Smug Lisa divorces you because you’re not fitting into her 10 year plan, or whatever she thinks is going to happen after age 30. Smug Lisa is clearly very pleased with herself and how adorable and appealing she’s been today, showing herself in her wedding dress to “get the ball rolling.” My vote just officially changed to Smug Lisa, because this loon is exactly what the Pet Beautician deserves.

Next PB is off to Miami to meet Jen’s family. Jen confessionals how important this is, blah, blah, blah. She says her dad is really intense and will let her know if he doesn’t like PB. He won’t care what or who PB is, he’ll just care whether he’s going to make Jen happy. Sounds like responsible parenting. I bet he wouldn’t stand for his daughter parading in a wedding dress in front of a guy she’s been on two dates with. PB and Jen go out on the ocean in the rain to do some fishing. PB says that it’s even more romantic than kissing in front of St. Peters. Oh, PB! Your never-ending wit and humor are just so amazing. Jen totally puts PB to shame by not only catching a fish, but catching a shark. She kisses the shark goodbye and they throw it back in the water. PB starts grabbing Jen and trying to kiss her and she keeps squirming away and won’t let him. Finally one of these girls is showing some good sense. PB jokes (ha ha, so funny) that he’s not ready to meet her parents and asks if her dad has guns – he does. It also seems that Jen is an only child.

"We're boring."

Over at Casa de Jen, Jen’s dad reiterates that he doesn’t give a flip who PB is, he just wants to know if PB is worthy of his little girl. He asks PB at dinner to explain what it means to be an Italian prince. PB explains that one of his “relatives” was Pope Paul V. Okay, relative? It’s not like an uncle that you see at Christmas, PB. This is the 1600s we’re talking about. “Ancestor” might be a better term. And I think that Pope Paul V is probably an ancestor of just about everyone. Funny how that works. PB goes on to explain that this ancestor just decided one day to give titles to these enormous dorks who turned out to be PB’s forebears. Yeah, fascinating. Jen’s dad totally changes the topic and asks if PB is at a point where he wants to settle down. PB makes this as awkward as humanly possible by defiantly saying, “I’m not here to ask for your permission for your daughter’s hand in marriage yet.” Okay, dumbass. Jen’s dad didn’t say, “Are you here to ask for my daughter’s hand in marriage?” He asked if you’re at a point where you want to settle down. Next PB says, “But I am at a point where I do want to settle down and I want to find somebody and have a family. That’s just the point where I am in my life.” Yeah. THAT is actually what he asked you. You could have skipped the first impudent statement, you gigantic douchebag.

Now Jen’s dad takes PB aside for a little one-on-one time. He asks how PB feels about Jen. PB prefaces the whole conversation with another bratty announcement – and it’s the tone that’s bratty, not so much the words. “Yeah. You know, every question you ask me I’ll be honest with you.” He says he hasn’t found anything bad about Jen yet, but you better believe he’ll keep looking. He says she’s attractive, but it’s not just that, it’s who she is as a person. How generic. This is how you’re going to sell it to the people who know her best? How about some specifics here, brainiac? Jen’s dad busts out a huge gun and tells PB this is what he’ll use on anyone who mistreats his daughter. Yes that’s a bit over the top, but I like that he’s not letting PB and the camera crew intimidate him. In fact he would rather that PB be the intimidated one. And so would I. Once when I had a fight with an ex-boyfriend, my dad was on the phone saying, “I’m glad I live in another state because I’m about ready to go find a shotgun.” HA! Love it. Love the daddies who protect their daughters. PB confessionals that he hopes Jen’s parents like him, but if they don’t, there wasn’t anything he could have done differently. No PB, you’re perfect, we know that. Get some manners, you little twerp!

And now for the last hometown date in beautiful Venice. PB confessionals that Agnese has qualities he would like in a future wife, but his problem is the communication factor. Yeah, we know since that’s the only topic of conversation ever between you and Agnese. Agnese looks so cosmopolitan standing on the pier waiting to greet PB. She is very European chic. She confessionals that she was so excited and nervous that she couldn’t sleep last night. Have I mentioned how cute I think she is? She seems so genuine and so much sweeter than the Americans. Compare her with Smug Lisa and it’s shocking. Agnese greets PB with a big hug and says she’s missed him. She starts asking about where he’s been and how his other hometown dates went. PB doesn’t cooperate. As they stroll through Venice, Agnese tells PB that this is difficult for her and she doesn’t like this competition. Exactly! She gets a pass for not knowing this is how it would be because she’s not American and was obviously recruited by producers to bring some internationalism to the show. (And let’s face it, that’s why she’s still around.) PB seems annoyed with Agnese for wanting to do all this talking. He’s very curt and tells her that they need to focus on their hometown date. Agnese shows PB the hospital where she was born – it looks like a museum. She also shows him the church where she would like to get married – the hospital is prettier. Next they go for a gondola ride and PB confessionals that he’s never been on a gondola ride and has never been with such a beautiful girl. Wow, Venice is amazing. He would be wise to pick her just for her hometown (again I’ll point out that this is exactly why she’s still around – thanks, producers!), but if he did pick her that would be very bad news for her. And she deserves better. PB wants to make out with Agnese on the gondola. He seems the most excited about kissing her. With all the other girls it looks like he’d rather be kissing a guy. They stop for a snack and Agnese says PB will be meeting her mom, dad, and a sister and brother. No one speaks English except for her father – a little. Well, this should be riveting. PB confessionals that he predicts communication will be a problem at dinner. Someone get this man a PhD!

"Can we reschedule this for after your family learns some English?"

PB introduces himself to Agnese’s dad by saying his own name with an Italian accent. Oh, how dumb he was to give up Erica. They have so much in common! Agnese’s little sister looks just like her except blonde. They are so adorable. They all gather around in the living room and look at PB with expectant smiles on their faces. Like if they wish really hard, he’ll speak some Italian. All he can manage is “I wish I could speak Italian,” in English. He asks if they like New York. None of them have ever been. Surprised PB? Not everyone on earth is in a rush to get to your hometown. Especially if they live in Venice – why would they ever leave? Agnese’s dad takes PB outside for a sit-down. I’m sensing a trend here. PB makes his oft-given speech about how much he thinks of the daughter in question. Agnese’s dad sits there trying to understand and finally says in Italian, “It’s too bad you don’t speak Italian.” Yes that is true. But I think a more accurate statement would be, “It’s a terrifying embarrassment to our country that someone claiming to be an Italian prince can’t say one word in our native tongue. Shame on you!” Over dinner, Agnese’s dad makes a very charming and Italian speech saying they are happy to have PB there and that he loves his daughter and wants her to be happy. PB is very awkward, but says he’s honored. After the food, the entire family gets up and begins dancing. It’s so Italian. I love the Italians because they love life. They would rather stay up late at night dancing together than repair the broken fence in the front yard. They really have admirable priorities. So adorable! PB does not fit in at all. At the doorstep, PB goes in for some more make out. It’s enough to make you think he’s straight.

Well now that the painful duration of the hometown dates is over, it’s once again time to send someone packing. Chris comes out and says that there are four girls and three roses. Maybe this time I’ll be able to keep up. PB comes out and says he’s speechless, but that doesn’t stop him from yapping for an hour. It’s just the same old crap. He’s amazed, he thinks they’re all great, he’s not a real prince, etc., etc. He warns them that this is going to hurt, but he has to do it. Get over yourself, your royal doucheness.

"You say you want to know how many roses are left?"

Sadie gets the first rose. So far having herpes is really paying off. But I still don’t think she’ll win. Jen gets rose number two. Smug Lisa isn’t looking so smug. I wonder if she’s rethinking her little fashion show, but I doubt it. Oh, thank goodness, Chris comes out to tell us there’s just one rose left. This time I won’t be in the dark when someone starts in with her farewell speech. Smug Lisa gets the rose and her smugness comes back. Agnese looks surprised and a little disgusted, which is highly appropriate.

Ciao, Bella. Better things await you.

Here is PB’s excuse. “I wanted to let Agnese know that I find her very attractive. I enjoy my time with her. But the number one thing you need to grow a relationship is communication, and at this point I didn’t have that.” Here I go with another list.

1. Why do guys always think it is such a consolation to be told you’re attractive?
2. “At this point” PB didn’t have communication? Wow, it took him weeks of group dates and a visit to her home to figure out that communication was an issue? You never had communication, you idiot.

Agnese tears up a little. PB tells her again that she’s beautiful – what did I just say? He says he wanted to get to know her and he liked her a lot, blah, blah, blah. He says it’s just that they can’t fully express themselves and that it’s his fault, not hers. Bingo! He says if it were another time, another day, another place… basically if he could bend the space-time continuum and transform himself out of being a complete loser, he would keep her around. Agnese says she thinks he’s right, and it’s natural that she’s disappointed. She goes to hug him and he freaking tries to make out with her again! He has absolutely no class. Agnese cries a little and PB starts crying like a four year old girl. What is his problem? Oh wait, there I go with another stupid question. He stands there with tears streaming as the limo pulls away. Oh Agnese, what a huge bullet you just dodged! On her ride of shame, she says that it is hard for her to divide her heart from her head, and that PB uses more head than heart. Oh sweetie, don’t give him that much credit. He is a raging loser and you can do much better. This is all for the best.

PB comes back to the three Americans still wiping his eyes and offers them a toast. Well, I’m convinced, how about you?

Next week are the fantasy overnight dates. Sadie’s herpes gets put to the test.

They teased us at every commercial break that Erica would be coming up to share her thoughts. She said two sentences during the credits, so I’m officially done paying heed to precaps.

What do you have to say about this episode?

The Bachelor's Fairy Tale Nightmare Continues

"Hi there."

So around 9:15, when at last we finished all of the recaps and precaps and heard about Sadie saving herself for marriage for the 17^th time, we finally settle in on the little hovel where the girls are staying. Chris comes in to announce that there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. He now moves into his regular job of stating the obvious. The one-on-one dates are more important than ever. Thanks, Chris! In order to find out who will get the single dates, each girl has to go in a room and talk trash about the other girls into a camera. They will be judged on their honesty. Oh geez. Apparently this crop of girls hasn’t provided enough drama on their own, so now they are being forced into a room with a cattle prod and made to answer mean questions. And the questions?

1. Who is the least deserving of becoming a princess?
2. Who is the most insincere girl in the house?

Always with the negative. Then I remember! Erica will be here to pit the girls against one another! YES! So I’m getting ready for the little interviews to be viewed en masse as soon as they are done getting taped. Hooray for Erica!

"Every generation has an icon."

The girls are taken one by one into the little room and reminded that they must be as mean as possible. Except the way Chris says it is, “totally honest.” Smug Lisa goes first. I’m chuckling as I see that there are cue cards in the room for them in case they forget one or both of the very difficult questions. Erica is ready to take notes on the interviews in a pink book that is no bigger than a credit card. She tells us that she already knows Smug Lisa has been two-faced and deceptive. Smug Lisa tells the camera that she doesn’t think Jen deserves to be a princess because she’s not well-spoken and not pretty without makeup. Wow. Since princesses are probably always wearing makeup, I’m not sure that second reason holds much water. Most famous women aren’t that pretty without makeup and that never stopped any of them! Welcome to the 21^st century. Smug Lisa also says that Jen is insincere because she tries to come off being all sincere, but it’s fake. Um, who’s not well-spoken? After Smug Lisa steps out, the remainder of this exercise is unanimous, with every girl giving Lisa as the answer to both questions. Sadie “chokes up” a little as she tells the camera she doesn’t like to talk about other people. Oh brother, you’re on “The Bachelor,” not some Christian crusade. Spill it, Sadie! After all, you’ve spilled everything else.

Back in the living room, Chris announces with glee that the girls will now meet the judge of this little exercise. Yes! In walks Erica ready to open the flood gates and let all the girls know just what they really think of each other. This is what I’m talking about. Erica gives a little speech saying that she feels like she knows some of the girls better than she did while she was in the house, that most of the girls don’t like one of the girls and she agrees, and that a princess should be fun and honest. Okay – time for the clips… Bring on the clips… Clips, clips, clips… Aaaand Erica leaves. Chris says they will find out who wins when the date boxes arrive. Whaaaaaaaat? This is crap! I’ve been robbed! I was so excited for the pitting of the women against one another. What is this? Another episode ruined with precaps! I am so tired of this show teasing me to death and then not delivering. Garbage! I need a Xanax so I can finish THIS exercise.

Okay, I’m feeling better. A little groggy, but better. Let’s continue. The first date box arrives for Sadie – surprise, surprise. She just hates talking about other people, boo hoo. PB’s note written in what is clearly a girl’s handwriting tells Sadie that she is going flying with PB. Yay – just like Lois Lane and Superman over Metropolis! Oh wait, no. They’re going in an airplane. Remember? PB likes to fly. Sadie runs off to “get ready to go fly away,” and Jen scurries along after her. Agnese confessionals that she’s jealous of Sadie.

PB whisks Sadie away.

PB confessionals that he was like, totally excited to see Sadie, but today he has to figure out if he likes her enough to go meet her parents. I have to take a moment and give my two cents about the Sadie situation here. So, the way I see it, PB is stuck for the moment. This girl just came to him and told him she’s a virgin. If he kicks her off right away, that makes him look like a huge scumbag who is just looking to get laid. She’s got to stay. On the other hand, looking at things from a long term prospective, guys know that girls who are saving themselves don’t mess around with dating and playing and one night stands and live-in boyfriends. Typically girls who are saving themselves are very serious about relationships, and are looking for the One Big Thing. I think we all know that the Pet Beautician is not the One Big Thing. Especially for Sadie, who has been waiting patiently for the man of her dreams. And as stupid as PB may be, I think he knows full well he’s not the One Big Thing. And he doesn’t want to be. Not for any noble reasons, mind you, but he doesn’t want to be responsible for being someone’s perceived One Big Thing and then having to shed the light on the truth of the matter, which is that he is nothing but a douchebag. What a hassle. Yes, I definitely predict that he will eventually sidestep this entire scenario. But not before keeping her around long enough to camouflage the inner douche. Thank you for your attention.

So PB takes Sadie to an Italian airfield and straps her into a tin can that he proposes to fly. Sadie is understandably very nervous. Once they are airborne, Sadie commences gushing. She is so impressed with PB. She can’t believe he’s really flying. He looks like such a stud right now, she just wants to kiss him. Heck, she would make out with him. Whoa, Sadie, slow down there, tiger. PB turns the controls of the plane over to Sadie, which basically means… nothing. She could make the plane go up or down a little or make a turn. Sadie freaks out, of course, saying she did not plan on this! She confessionals that it was “an absolute dream” to fly the plane on her own, and it was all such a bonding experience. He just wowed her. Oh brother! Okay, yes, it would be cool to be taken flying on a date, but no, PB does not have a wow factor. The conversation during the flight was so lame. It consisted of Sadie gushing and PB stammering awkwardly. How not impressive.

The producers clarify PB's comment as Sadie puts her hand on his knee.

Next, Sadie comments on what everyone will think: “The girls are just going to flip out when they hear that Lorenzo flew me around Italy and he just whisked me away to this thermal hot tub.” Yes, I’ve always dreamed of being whisked away to a thermal hot tub. This is a fairy tale come true. By the way, aren’t most hot tubs somewhat thermal? So PB and Sadie float around in the thermal hot tub and have a stupid conversation about what a good pilot Sadie is, and all the while Sadie’s voiceover is saying how flirtatious PB has been and she could totally tell he wanted to kiss her – but he didn’t. Sadie and I must have different definitions of the word “flirtatious.”

Back home, to the delighted shrieks of the girls, another date box is arriving. Jeannette, Lisa, Agnese and Desiree receive a note in gold ink that tells them to “Let the games begin…” Oh how cryptic. What could this possibly mean? In the box are a bunch of togas that the girls pull out and start to play with. Then they realize the most important thing that this date box tells them, which is that Jen gets the other one-on-one date. Smug Lisa complains to the camera that she hates group dates. She didn’t come here to make best friends, she came to win herself a husband!

Now it’s time for another uncomfortable conversation over dinner as Sadie tells PB how impressed she is that he didn’t judge her for being a virgin. Are you kidding me? This is what passes for impressive? Please! It’s not like he told her he’s happy that she’s a virgin, or that he’s always wanted to marry a virgin. He just said he won’t judge her for it. Well, thank you, PB, for being so kind as to not judge me for having morals! I know you could get many whores quite easily, so for you to actually spend your royal time on a wholesome girl like me is just so impressive. Sadie confessionals that it’s sexy that PB respects her.

First of all, “I won’t hold it against you,” doesn’t exactly qualify as respect.
Secondly, there is nothing sexy about PB.

Next Sadie tells PB that she can tell he’s wanted to kiss her all day. Here is PB’s response: “Really? That’s what you think? Why do you say that?” Geez! This guy has absolutely no idea how to talk to women. Now if he had said that in a flirtatious voice with a huge smile while leaning in to kiss her, it would have been cute, but he didn’t. He said it while remaining three feet away from her and furrowing his brow. This is not the reception I would hope for when proposing a kiss. Sadie keeps her cool and insists she’s right and they should kiss. Get ready for another tight-lipped awkward moment. Ack, that was painful. Sadie now whips out a San Diego Chargers t-shirt that says “Whatever it takes,” to remind PB to choose her for a hometown date. “Go Chargers!” What a waste of ten dollars. PB gives Sadie a rose. More yucky smooching.

"Well crap. Now I have to keep the prude for another week."

Back from commercial, the girls are getting ready for their group date. They’re seriously getting dressed up in togas. PB confessionals that this is the most important group date (unlike last week’s group dates) because this time he doesn’t want to accidentally send home his future wife. He says he planned the toga party because he’s all about themes and since they’re in Rome, it just seemed natural.

#1. PB didn’t plan this.
#2. He’s all about themes? How fabulous. I’m just saying!
#3. Nothing about any of this is natural. Please, PB, no more talking.

On the ride over in the Euromobile to whatever will be serving as the toga party, Smug Lisa tells everyone that she knows nothing about Roman history, but she knows all about “The Bachelor” history. Shhhocking. PB takes the gals to the Roman aqueducts, where they will be competing in a few rounds of chariot racing. Upon arrival, the girls all scream like Brad Pitt is standing there waiting for them, instead of four horses and a couple of guys in gladiator costumes. They hop onto the chariots and go a few rounds until Jeannette emerges as the winner. For the final race, Jeannette and PB compete and the winner gets a wish. A wish? How about something she can sell? What’s funny about all of this is that the guys in gladiator costumes are the ones actually doing the racing. Everybody else is just a passenger. Whatever, it’s all themed and natural.

"So ladies, these are the aqueducts and I have no idea what that means."

Well Jeannette wins and PB confessionals that today he learned that Jeannette is fearless and a winner. And it looked like he was thinking so hard to come up with that much that he was in pain. Jeannette confessionals that she has no idea what she’s going to wish for, but she does want PB to meet her parents and she does want a hometown date, so maybe…

Meanwhile, up at the shack, Sadie and Jen are hanging out, when what should arrive but Jen’s date box! She starts tearing it open and finds a note inviting her to feel the magic of Rome with PB. Then she finds a purse and inside that a coin purse containing coins. This is so exciting for Jen that she can’t sit still. She and Sadie excitedly ponder what on earth this could possibly mean. Ladies, it means you’re losers, that’s all. Oh, and you’re also fighting over the world’s biggest loser. Sadie confessionals that this is hard because she doesn’t like sharing guys. This is reminding me of people going on “America’s Next Top Model” and then complaining that they have to get a haircut. This is what you signed up for!

PB and the girls return home to continue their toga party at the pool. There is a big Roman spread of food waiting for them and PB tells the girls that there will be no rose on this date. Ha! What a waste of time and energy – especially for Smug Lisa, who hates group dates. Next, as everyone is standing around next to the pool, PB decides to tackle Desiree right into the pool. Oh, he is such a wild and crazy guy. Now everyone leaps in and frolics, stopping after a minute for tequila shots.

Agnese decides it’s time for her weekly discussion of the language barrier with PB. They stroll over to a swing set and PB stands there listening to her broken English and looking at his watch. He asks if she thinks it would be weird if he came home with her because he doesn’t know Italian. Agnese says yes, it would be weird – for him. Well, PB is having none of that, and points out that it will be weird not for him, but for her parents and her! Yes, that’s a good point, PB. When a foreigner comes into someone’s house and can’t speak their language, it’s always more weird for the people who live there than for the foreigner. Nice try.

Over at the pool, Smug Lisa is yakking away at Jeannette about how important this is all getting. She then proceeds to explain how her hometown date would play out in 15 minute intervals – including the fact that her little brother would be the server at dinner. Apparently this is all part of the five year plan and Smug Lisa has had this in mind for ages. Jeannette senses that Smug Lisa is here more for the game than for PB and she takes PB aside to spill her guts about her feelings for him. She says she cherishes all the time they’ve spent together. PB says nothing. Awkward! Jeannette switches gears and says she had fun today. PB – still wearing a leaf wreath on his head – reminds her that she won the races and she needs to make her wish. Jeannette says her wish is for PB to enjoy the moment. Yeah, I don’t think Mr. Uncomfortable has any chance of that happening any time soon. PB angrily confessionals that he thinks Jeannette’s wish was a cop out. I think he may have been hoping that Jeannette’s wish was to see PB and Chris Harrison make out. Sorry, PB – not at this toga party.

"Wow, I bet Chris would look so hot in a toga."

Back from commercial, it’s time for Jen’s one-on-one date. PB comes to pick her up dressed like Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever.

"Let's go see fabulous Rome!"

Smug Lisa and Desiree giggle over how cute he looks. After the limo parks, PB and Jen hop into a horse-drawn carriage to see the city. PB talks like he’s been here before, pointing out sights and saying this is the only way to see Rome. The jig is up, PB. We know you’ve never been here. And didn’t I tell you to stop talking? Jen confessionals that PB is so amazing, she even forgot he’s a prince. A prince? I forgot that five minutes into the premiere. But then I started getting reminded every 12 seconds, so now it’s engrained on my subconscious. PB confessionals that tonight’s date was not just about Rome, it was also about dinner. Again, I have to marvel that this eloquent man is still single. He takes Jen to eat on a rooftop over looking Vatican City. Gorgeous. Will hamburgers be on the menu? Jen mistakenly thinks PB had something to do with this and thanks him. That always gives me a chuckle. Jen confessionals that she’s just a girl from Miami and now she’s on a balcony overlooking the Vatican. Oh my gosh! Jen! Lots of girls from Miami have overlooked the Vatican. And they probably did it on their own, not clambering after some idiot. Now they talk about Jen’s career as a teacher and she shares that she is getting a master’s degree in counseling because she loves listening to people’s problems. Me too, that’s why I watch this show. PB decides to throw a problem Jen’s way for her to analyze. Coming up blank, he looks for a cue card and then asks why he can’t have more nights like tonight. Jen suggests maybe he’s not dating the right people. Yeah, I came up with that the first time I read an article that Prince Lorenzo Borghese was to be the next Bachelor.

Meanwhile at the house, Desiree and Lisa are hanging out and gushing over how cute PB looked dressed up as a disco dancer. They decide the best way to pass the time while not on dates with PB is to get trashed doing tequila shots. Next they do a demonstration of ultimate refined class by tearing off their bathing suits and running through the yard, and through Jeannette’s confessional, butt naked – ending up in the pool. Desiree confessionals that it felt so good to just let loose. They’ve been under so much stress and running naked through the yard helped to ease that. She says the tequila really worked. But she pronounces it “tuh-keel-iya.” I noticed she did that earlier, too. It’s amazing who qualifies for a real estate license in Salt Lake City.

Back on the rooftop overlooking the Vatican, Jen and PB swap stories about how their parents met. Who cares? PB uses his story to lead into giving Jen a rose and saying he can’t wait to meet her parents. Now they go for a walk to the Trevi fountain while an entire symphony kicks in as playback. Apparently this is a fountain where people throw coins in and make wishes (like most fountains on the planet). Ah ha! Jen finally solves the mystery of the date box coin purse.

"I wish the Pet Beautician would take a flying leap."

Apparently this is also the night when everyone in Rome turns up at the Trevi fountain to watch some idiot Americans make a TV show. The entire time Jen winds up and tosses her coin into the fountain there are flashes going off and you can see that an area literally had to be roped off for her and PB to stand there and look at the fountain. The crowd looks on restlessly from behind their ropes, snapping pictures while PB goes in for the kiss. PB confessionals that he didn’t even realize anyone else was around. Right. That would be like performing in the middle of a packed arena and thinking you’re all alone singing in the shower. Not so much, PB. Jen confessionals that this could be the beginning of her very own fairy tale dream come true. “What girl wouldn’t want to fall in love with an amazing guy that’s a prince?” That’s a good point, but so far I haven’t seen that amazing guy – just this doofus.

At last! It’s the most important rose ceremony of the century, but first there shall be a little cocktail party to give everyone a chance to make one last desperate plea for a rose. Of course, Smug Lisa steps right in and tells PB that she’s sad because it’s been a while since that amazing date they had, but she still feels the same way for him that she did oh so long ago. PB asks if it bothers her that he’s dating other women. Smug Lisa lies and says no because she knows it’s part of the process. PB seems to ask questions like this in a way that makes it seem more like a dig than a question. It’s almost like he’s trying to provoke them into saying the wrong thing. He’s so not smooth. PB confessionals that he was glad to hear what Smug Lisa had to say. Yeah, whatever.

Desiree sits down with Agnese and Jeannette to point out that Smug Lisa knows way too much about the whole process of “The Bachelor.” This leads the girls to conclude that Smug Lisa does not have the right intent. What do they mean? Her timeline isn’t the right intent? She’s got a schedule to keep here, people! Apparently boys in the real world weren’t falling into line fast enough, so “The Bachelor” was the next logical step. Makes sense to me!

Now Desiree pulls PB outside to take her turn at spilling her guts. She wants him to know that she has super deep feelings for him, and she’s here for the right reasons. She tells PB that she’d love to spend the rest of her life with him. Oops, not a good choice, Desiree. You should have brought up that thing about sex at work again if you were looking for a rose. PB is of course, extremely uncomfortable and starts in on a speech about how he should be the one selling himself to her instead of vice versa. This is actually true. I’m a big fan of guys being the ones to sell themselves to girls they like. But I think we all know that’s not what PB is here to do.

"I know! I loved that episode of 'Queer Eye!'"

Next Jeannette has her sit-down with PB and she brings up her lame wish. She reassures PB that she is taking this very seriously and very much to heart. Again PB has no clue what to say, so he kind of repeats the speech Desiree gave to him when she pointed out that he must have kept her around this long for a reason. Uh, yeah, what Desiree said. That goes for Jeannette, ditto, yeah.

And it’s out on the lawn with Agnese to once again mull over the language barrier. As this goes on, Smug Lisa and Jen decide that they don’t think Agnese will be getting a rose tonight. PB tells Agnese that whatever decision he makes, he’s enjoyed his time with her. Sounds like someone’s getting the boot. But this is the third speech of the evening that sounded like that. Oh, I still think Agnese is so cute. She seems so sweet and honestly seems to like PB. For her sake, I hope she doesn’t get a rose.

Finally Chris comes in tapping a glass with a butter knife and tells everyone it’s time for PB to hand over the roses. PB once again says how hard this is and he wants to make the right decision. Please. We all know that they’ll break up two weeks after the finale airs. No need for so much painstaking deliberation.

The girls watch as PB counts his two roses for the fifth time.

Smug Lisa gets the first rose and smugly accepts it. Only one rose left, and Chris is nowhere in sight to tell us. I’m very confused and I’m not sure what will happen next. Agnese gets the rose, but since Chris failed to clarify, I’m still hoping that PB will give Desiree a rose because I really want to see a hometown date in Salt Lake City. Go Desiree! Jeannette bids her teary farewell, concluding that PB didn’t see how passionate she was. I’m starting to wonder where Desiree will take PB in Salt Lake City, but what’s this? She’s making her farewell speech too! I don’t get it! I can’t follow the complex dynamics of this show without Chris Harrison clarifying every step of the way. Desiree is getting tearful and so am I now that Salt Lake is out of the picture. She could have taken great care of PB. Who’d want to? Next she says that Smug Lisa is just here to play the game and Agnese is only here out of curiosity. They don’t deserve PB like she does. She’s in shock. I’m telling you, she should have stuck with the sex stuff. It works every time. Once you switch from sexpot to emotional human, it’s all over. PB toasts his remaining four concubines and we fade out. Finally!

Next week, PB meets the families. Smug Lisa busts out in a wedding dress! Are you kidding me? This girl knows nothing about how men think. For men marriage is like a death sentence that they finally resign themselves to. You don’t see straight men whirling around holding up tuxedos in the mirror and dreaming about that walk down the aisle. They put it off for as long as humanly possible. Parading in a wedding dress is not a good move at this juncture. In fact, it’s probably not a good move at any time before the actual wedding ceremony. More like boyfriend repellant.

But also, Erica is back again! This time telling us what she thinks from the bathtub. I’ve already been tricked with the Erica tease. We’ll see what really happens.

So what is your vote? Were you as miffed as I was about the Grand Erica Fake-out?