The Bachelor Like, Keeps it Fun

You know, last week we didn’t get to drop in on the Pet Beautician and his gallant quest to find true love, so I honestly had forgotten all about this show and what has happened so far. But never to fear, because as always, trusty Chris Harrison has once again popped up to fill me in on every second since the premiere episode. Now I remember – this guy is supposedly an Italian prince and he’s tooling around with a bunch of desperate girls who think that going on a reality game show is a great way to find a lifelong partner. Last week he got rid of the girl who is actually Italian and he’s left with the smug one, the boring one, and the one with herpes. I’m all caught up now.

So what’s on tap for this week? Ah yes, the fantasy overnight dates. This is where PB takes each of the three remaining girls on some extravagant getaway, and they will have the “option” to spend the night together as a couple in a fantasy suite. We open with PB packing for his fantasy dates, and telling us that he is excited because the more time he spends with each girl, the more he knows about them. I actually don’t think that’s true. How much can you get to know about someone in such a fake, staged situation? They seem to have the same conversations over and over. I’ll give PB a thumbs-down on that one. Then he goes into a Bachelor cliché about seeing qualities in all three girls that he would like in a future wife (like they’re female, alive and speak English – sorry Agnese), but he’s not here to find three women, he’s here to find one. I think he’s said this every week: “I’m not here to be with 27 women… I’m not here to be with 12 women… I’m not here to be with 9 women… 6 women… 4 women… 3…” and it’s still riveting every time, isn’t it?

First fantasy stop is Göteburg, Sweden. It looks very Scandinavian, and PB looks very lost standing there waiting for date number one to arrive. Up pulls an SUV, and out pops Jen, in very perky form today. PB confessionals that when he’s with Jen, he feels like no one else is around. The moment he met Jen, he thought she was gorgeous and he wanted to get to know her better. Again, he says that line all the time. Just wait, I bet he says it about both other girls tonight, too. We now have flashbacks of Jen and PB’s former dates, as if they weren’t bad enough the first time. Filler, people, filler! PB claims that what he loves best is how he feels when he’s with Jen. Whatever. He says he hasn’t seen her open up emotionally yet, so he’s bringing her to an amusement park where they can have some intimate, meaningful conversation on a roller coaster. He pries right into Jen’s inner feelings by asking her to try and pronounce the Swedish signs that surround them in the Swedish amusement park – it’s getting deeply personal now.

After that they stop in at the Ice Gallery & Bar, which is a bar made entirely of ice. I’ve heard about places like this – where the furniture is ice, the glasses are ice, everything. PB cleverly uses the Ice Bar setting to transition into discussing the cold winters in New York – would Jen mind living in New York? Of course not! She’s a teacher, for crying out loud, and she can do that anywhere! It’s what we like to call the porta-wife. You know, the girl who goes into something like teaching or nursing because she can do it anywhere her man wants to go to follow his little dreams (the last Bachelor winner was a teacher, the one before that was a nurse). Well, now PB confessionals that he’s thrilled that Jen opened up to him like that. Apparently that’s all it took – a little attempted Swedish pronunciation and the nod to New York. Done! They now know each other intimately. These two are downright soporific (I played Cranium last night).

Back from commercial, it’s time for dinner. PB decides he’s pulling out the big guns now – even bigger than New York winters and Swedish roller coasters. Even bigger than Jen’s dad’s gun. He wants to know if Jen has ever been in love. Yes, she tells him. Twice. Once in high school and once in college. She said it was hard to break up, but it made her stronger and now she’s ready to get married and have kids. And now she has a question for PB. Good call, Jen. I’m wondering if PB has ever been in love with the Paris Hilton types he’s most certainly dated. In fact, he’s pushing mid-30’s now, so I want to know what the problem is. What’s gone wrong? Why hasn’t he been able to find anyone? Are we about to get some insight? No. All she says is, “What do you think makes a relationship work?” Hello? You’re asking him? The guy who comes on TV to find a wife because conventional dating just hasn’t cut it? How on earth would he know what makes a relationship work? Or not work, for that matter? Obviously he hasn’t figured anything out. Ok, let’s hear his answer. “Having a good time with that person. Having a lot of like, things in common. You need understanding. You need to like, keep it fun. And you need to listen.” He keeps blathering and sums it up saying that he thinks the excitement you feel at the beginning of a relationship needs to continue. Well, I think that answered both Jen’s question and my previous question about why he’s still single. PB just described what is important in a drinking buddy. If this is seriously what he thinks is important in a wife, he has no chance of ever making anything work. Why do guys think that having fun together is all that’s important? If that were true, couldn’t everybody marry just about anybody and it would all be fine? Having fun together is important on a first date, because then you might want a second date. Making a relationship work long-term is an entirely different undertaking. This line of thinking is exactly why tons of people get divorced – it’s not as fun as it was when we very first met. No kidding, really? What about mutual respect and admiration? What about wanting to make someone else’s life better? What about similar life goals and dreams? Values? Priorities? Anything ringing a bell here? No. You need to like, keep it fun. Jen confessionals that this was a pivotal conversation in their relationship. I guess that’s one way to put it.

Now PB busts out the note from Chris asking the two of them if they would like to spend the night together as a couple in the fantasy suite. Jen of course, says yes. Shocking. They should be able to like, keep this fun. At the fantasy suite, Jen gushes over how wonderful everything is – especially the fact that they have been provided with real strawberries. Yes, it was nice of the producers to put actual fruit next to the champagne and not just plastic decorations to trick them. Now the Boring Couple gets into the hot tub and thanks each other for their fun day. Yawn. PB confessionals that he has stronger feelings for Jen now. She opened up to him more than he ever expected (did we miss something?), and he’s blown away. But he’s going into his next two dates with an open mind.

Next we go to Budapest, Hungary for PB to spend some time with Smug Lisa. PB has a flashback to his hometown date with Smug Lisa and confessionals – again – that the entire wedding motif bothered him a bit. He wants to know if she’s here to be on a television show, here just because she wants to get married, or here for him. I must pause and say here that PB would have a lot of nerve kicking someone off for being there to get married. Isn’t that why he’s there? To get married? He had no clue whom he would meet before this started. I’d say old PB is there just because he wants to get married, so why can’t Smug Lisa be there for the same reason? And let’s not even go there about being on television. I mean, he comes on television and kicks someone off for wanting to be on television? Not okay, PB. Smug Lisa confessionals that she thinks her hometown date went really well and nothing went wrong and everyone had a good time. Well, you don’t earn the nickname Smug Lisa for nothing. The Psycho Couple heads over to a wine tasting festival to kick off the fantasy date. PB confessionals that he’s about to ask Smug Lisa some “very serious” questions to make sure he’s making the right decision. Oh great, we already found out his version of “very serious” questions, so I can’t wait for this. Will we be learning at long last what Smug Lisa’s favorite color is?

"So do you like red wine or white wine? I like red wine."

PB starts in on one of his “cornering” conversations. I’ve noticed that he likes to do this, where he asks a series of questions to try to get a girl to admit to something accidentally. This usually means that the girl in question is nearing the end of her stay on the show. For Smug Lisa he asks all about her love of The Bachelor as a television show. He gets her to say which past bachelors she’s liked and why, reminds her that it is a show about getting married, and points out that it’s strange that she applied for this season of The Bachelor before knowing anything about the royal PB. Smug Lisa is somewhat trapped and admits that it is kind of strange. She confessionals that the conversation didn’t go that well and she felt like she was on the spot. Not so smug anymore, are we?

Over dinner, the interrogation continues. PB wants to know about Smug Lisa’s past relationships. It turns out that Smug Lisa had a boyfriend in college who moved to Portland to be with her, but they “lost the passion” in their relationship and she fell in love with someone else – before she broke up with boyfriend number one. Hmm. I would say that “losing the passion” would be somewhere along the lines of not like, keeping it fun, in which case, PB should understand completely. He doesn’t seem to. The same way he doesn’t understand why Smug Lisa would want to go on television, or go on a show just to get married. He now wants to know how on earth she could have applied for The Bachelor so soon after breaking up with her last boyfriend. Smug Lisa says that she signed up on a whim and had no idea it would turn out like this, but she’s happy it has. PB is having none of it and tells her he will not be moving to Portland. Will she move to New York? Smug Lisa says they can cross that bridge when they come to it. It’s odd to find myself siding with Smug Lisa in a conversation, but she seems to be holding her own in this little skirmish. She even still looks pretty smug. And PB is being absolutely ridiculous with this line of questioning. He’s guilty of all the same things he’s calling her out on. I still say they’re a perfect match.

This next thing is funny. PB pulls out his note from Chris about the fantasy suite and begins to make his little speech. Smug Lisa totally cuts him off, takes the note out of his hands and puts it on the table without opening it, says she knows what it says and the answer is yes, she’d love to go see the fantasy suite and spend more time with him. Ta da! I’m afraid Smug Lisa just signed her own death warrant stealing PB’s thunder like that.

In the fantasy suite, Smug Lisa tells PB that she thinks the day has been kind of tough and she almost cried during dinner because PB was grilling her and it’s the first time she’s felt insecure about her status here. She says all of this with her smug grin, so I’m not really sure how to take it. PB, on the other hand, panics as he sees his chance to get some action dwindling. He quickly clarifies that just because he asks questions doesn’t mean he’s not into her. Back pedal, back pedal. PB confessionals that he was glad to see Smug Lisa open up and show her insecure side. Smug Lisa heads directly into the bedroom and tells PB that the night is only going to get better. She confessionals that the night ended with romance. Wow. This girl is a very smooth talker. She’s going to bag herself a husband in good time – even if it’s not the royal Pet Beautician.

Lastly we head to Sicily for PB’s date with Sadie and her herpes. Sadie confessionals that she is very worried about the time when PB will pull out the card and ask her to spend the night in the fantasy suite. She has no idea what she is going to do. PB confessionals that he likes Sadie because she’s funny and loves life, but most importantly because of the way she makes him feel (sounds familiar). PB and Sadie sit down next to an indoor pool and PB offers to tell Sadie where he’s been on his last two dates. That’s not very gentlemanly – reminding her that he’s been traveling and sleeping with two other girls. Sadie confessionals that she hates thinking about it because she knows the two other girls don’t have herpes, so there’s no telling how far they went physically with PB. PB tells Sadie not to worry because this is “Sadie Day and Night.” And to start right off with Sadie Day, they will be doing one of PB’s (not Sadie’s) favorite activities. They’re going scuba diving in the swimming pool! Will somebody please get this guy under control? He is such an adventure freak, I just can’t stand it anymore. Now, similar to “flying” PB’s airplane, Sadie is “scuba diving” in an indoor swimming pool. There must be more to do and see in Sicily for pete’s sake. The Godfather was born here!

Next the Confused Couple goes outside to get massages. Sadie starts talking about all the “firsts” she’s been experiencing with PB. You know, outdoor massages, flying airplanes, scuba diving in a pool… what else? What other “firsts” can Sadie think of? Hmm. I have no idea! She’s getting little pieces of nervousness about the whole herpes ordeal. PB confessionals that his concern at this point is how he and Sadie will respond behind closed doors together. Can they have chemistry together, what with her having herpes and all? Sadie confessionals that it was hot and sexy to give each other massages, but she’s still nervous about the fantasy card. She doesn’t know if it will hurt her or help her.

Over dinner, all Sadie can think about is the fantasy card. It means a lot for her because she does have herpes and she doesn’t want PB to get the wrong idea. PB says that the conversation is going to get a lot more serious tonight - can he ever have an original thought? Sadie launches into a speech telling PB why she likes him and the moment she decided she liked him, and she knows they have fun together, but now it’s getting beyond just that. She is the first girl to show that she has any brain waves besides just being flirty and silly. She actually has something so say – unlike Jen who has nothing to say, and unlike Smug Lisa who has a lot to say, but it’s all manipulative nonsense. Sadie definitely stands out, but that brings us back to… herpes. PB makes a speech about how he wants somebody who respects him and loves life and is happy and will be there to help him through everything. Nothing this time about like, keeping it fun. Sadie confessionals that while PB said that, she was thinking that she wants the exact same things and that’s scary. Okay, I know I was just loving on Sadie, but seriously, PB just said another bunch of generic stuff here that everyone wants – that’s not some mystic connection. Sadie excuses herself to go and ponder the fantasy card and think about herpes. She needs PB to know that she’s classy and conservative and accepting the card is a big deal. She knows that sleeping with PB doesn’t guarantee her a rose, so she just doesn’t know what to do. She comes back to the table and starts babbling about all of the hesitation she’s been going through about this fantasy card, and that the fact is, she does have herpes, but she also really thinks a lot of PB. PB looks like he is completely constipated and he finally cuts her off, saying he gets it, and her herpes is a part of who she is, and he really likes her and will offer her the fantasy card, but there’s no pressure – he just wants to cuddle (straight out of the Guy Manual – ladies, we all know what this means). Sadie decides to take a big risk, and put PB at big risk and go to the overnight suite. She confessionals that PB has been totally respectful about her having herpes and that he didn’t pressure her, he just wanted to spend time with her. He’s just like a prince should be. He could be the one!

"You can act like a man!"

Finally we are to the rose ceremony. PB confessionals how hard this all is, but he’s here to find a wife, and he’s ready to hurt someone’s feelings. Outside, Chris Harrison makes an appearance and reminds all of the girls that their relationships with PB have gotten very serious, so tonight is going to be extremely difficult. There are only two roses. Here comes PB. He thanks the three girls. He repeats the thing again about not wanting to be with three women, just one woman, blah, blah, blah. This is so hard, so he’s just going to get it over with. Sadie gets rose number one for not spreading herpes. One left! No reminder from Chris! Jen gets rose number two for being boring.

"But everything went so well! Nothing went wrong.
Everybody had a really good time."

Ha! Smug Lisa is denied! Chris comes out and tells her to get lost. This is a conundrum because I do truly believe Smug Lisa is the one PB deserves, but on the other hand, I’m excited to see her have to leave brokenhearted and in shame. Let’s continue. PB confessionals that there were problems and he doesn’t want to have to hurt Smug Lisa more later than he’s going to right now. He sits down with Smug Lisa and gives the consolation speech. He’s always thought she was beautiful – I hate that comment, but I already complained about that last week. He says that he’s concerned about her “biological calendar” and he would never know if she really liked him. Smug Lisa says she applied for The Bachelor because she thought it would be fun – and to possibly find someone she would be with forever (you know, as an afterthought). PB complains that she shouldn’t have signed up for fun. That’s not what this is about. (So now we're not like, keeping it fun?) Smug Lisa says you should have fun while you’re dating. PB says, yes, but you said that was your priority. Smug Lisa says, no, just one of the reasons I applied. If you’re not having fun you shouldn’t do it. PB says, “Okay. Well on that note, can I walk you to your car?” Ha! Awkward! He is seriously one of the most uncomfortable people I’ve ever seen. On her ride of shame, Smug Lisa says she totally thought she would get a rose tonight. She says she would never get married for the wrong reasons. She now downplays the entire 5-year-plan that was her entire characterization on the show and says that it’s just in the back of her mind to have things happen like that. But she would never marry some random person just because she wants to get married. Um excuse me, sweetie, but I think that’s what you almost just did. Or was this not you we saw last week?

Smug Lisa continues her ride of shame: “I think that he made a mistake. You know, I feel like I came here and was honest and open and could express my feelings even though it’s hard. And I think that relationships are a compromise, and he should appreciate that I’m a person, and that I wouldn’t… boo hoo hoo.” She crumbles into sobs. “I do feel like that this could have worked out to be my fairy tale. Like, yes I came to Rome to meet a prince and to fall in love, and I thought it was going totally on track. I’ll always be a princess – even if I’m not Lorenzo’s princess. I feel like a princess.” Sniff sniff. If they hire her as the next Bachelorette I will not be pleased. She is way too smug and the last thing she needs is guys lined up to fight over her. But she is in the perfect frame of mind to be the Bachelorette. I’ll be surprised if they don’t make her an offer – although I’d much rather see Erica in the role.

Next week is the Women Tell All. Finally! The videos I thought Erica would show everyone will be shown (maybe). And Smug Lisa is back, fresh off of her rejection.

This is becoming quite the toss up. What do you think?