The Bachelor Has Failure to Communicate

"Are you serious? I have to say 'thank you' in Italian?"

So wait a second, what is this show about? Oh, thanks Chris Harrison, for reminding me. An Italian prince came to Rome to find his princess. He started with 25 hopefuls and he’s worked very hard narrowing them down and tonight he’s going home with four of them to meet their families. It is what we like to call the “hometown dates.”

We’re starting off with Sadie in San Diego. Sadie confessionals the complete obvious: she is in her element at home and she only brings home guys that mean something to her. Well that’s weird, and I’m glad she cleared that up. When PB shows up she gallops over to him and he awkwardly scoops her up for a peck on the cheek and then quickly releases her. He confessionals that Sadie is fun, he likes her personality and her honesty. And we all know what’s next when the word “honesty” comes up. Here we go AGAIN with Sadie’s virginity. PB has to tell the camera once again that Sadie wasn’t even afraid to tell him she is a virgin, she was just honest. Frankly, with all the fuss they’ve made over this, it would have made more sense if Sadie had told him she had herpes. Seriously: she was brave enough to tell him, she was honest; she wanted him to know before someone else told him. And from his point of view, it took so much courage for her to tell him that it just makes him respect her all that much more. He’s not going to hold it against her. What? There are guys who found this to be a problem? Well then I guess they lost out on dating a great girl. Am I right? This would all make much more sense if Sadie had herpes. In fact, that is how I will refer to this topic from now on because I just can’t focus on the virginity thing for one more second – it’s too ridiculous.

You never know who has VD.

Sadie tells PB that her family is going to fall in love with him, but she doesn’t want him to say anything lame. That’s not possible, Sadie. At Casa de Sadie, Sadie starts to regale her family with tales from Rome, like how at first they would all go on group dates, but then for her first single date with PB, they went to this little airport and Sadie was excited to maybe fly somewhere, but it turned out that PB was actually the pilot! Her family reacts like he flew the space shuttle or something, instead of the dorky little two-seater. PB of course has to point out that Sadie flew too, which is like saying that Sadie was responsible for the sun setting – she didn’t do anything! PB then says it was his best date that day. What a creep. Sadie’s mom confessionals that PB is down-to-earth and she was impressed that he made eye contact. I can’t get over how low the bar for “impressive” has gotten. After family prayer around the dinner table, Sadie’s mom asks PB what he’s looking for in a mate. Here is his “impressive” answer: honesty, my best friend, and someone I can trust. The first and last one seem redundant, but whatever, it’s extremely impressive. As Sadie clears the dishes, PB tells her dad that Sadie has blown him away and he has nothing but the best intentions. He can see where Sadie got all her great qualities. He doesn’t want to hurt anybody, and he’s speechless around Sadie. Her dad nods and says, “Thank you. That’s cool.” Ha – cute dad.

In the kitchen Sadie gushes to her mom that she just trusts PB. He’s so smart and humble, and he’s like daddy because he puts other people before himself, opens doors for her and feels safe. She says he’s the kind of guy she would be proud to have on her arm. Interestingly, it’s this “arm” comment that makes Sadie’s mom spring to attention and say that this is a big deal. Hmm, so PB is a trophy? Fair enough – that’s all guys have needed from women for centuries. Sadie confessionals that she’s been hurt before, so she’s guarding her heart. But what this could be is just so worth the risk.

Next Sadie announces that she has a big surprise for PB, so she must bid her family fond farewell. PB confessionals something stupid about how much love there is with Sadie’s family and it meant a lot. Here is how it sounded to me: uh, duh, duh, duh. Mm, duh. The big surprise is that Sadie takes PB to Moonlight Beach to sit around a fire pit. PB asks if Sadie is trying to seduce him and she jokes for a second and then seriously says, “No.” Snap! He earned that one after his reaction when Sadie suggested he might want to kiss her last week. Sadie confessionals that she’s opening up more quickly than she ever has before, and she sees potential and it’s scary. The scary part I’ll agree with. Yucky smooching on the beach.

Oooh, next we visit Portland where Smug Lisa is walking her dog – just like she told Jeannette she would do for her hometown date! I guess we can plan on her brother serving dinner and walking across the way for gelato for dessert. Smug Lisa recaps her five year plan for us once again. PB confessionals that even though Smug Lisa is the first girl he had an emotional and physical connection with, she hasn’t opened up to him yet. Well, get ready PB, for the opening up of a lifetime! Over at Casa de Smug Lisa, PB learns that they will be painting an Italian fresco on the wall. He should like this since he’s all about themes – I guess the theme is “Italian,” which PB is not. Whatever, it’s natural. What’s also natural is that as PB and Smug Lisa begin to paint a pretty picture, they also start giggling and painting each other’s faces. Very third grade. PB confessionals that Smug Lisa showed him her “unpredictable side.” Doesn’t he realize that she doesn’t have an unpredictable side? It’s all there in the five year plan – including this fresco painting turning into a paint flirt-fest.

The next thing to happen is that Smug Lisa’s best friend bursts through the door carrying a wedding dress. She and Smug Lisa scream and jump around. Smug Lisa says, “Why would you bring me a wedding dress?” Wink, wink. Best friend Ally says, “Well I found out you were in the final four – I figured you might need this.” Nod, nod. Wink, wink. Smug Lisa confessionals that Ally, her best friend in the whole world, just showed up and completely out of nowhere brought a wedding dress! What a surprise! Ally tells Smug Lisa to try it on and Smug Lisa pretends to think about it for a nanosecond before snatching it away from Ally. While Smug Lisa runs to her bedroom to put on the dress that we all know has been purchased, fitted, and hanging in her closet for years, Ally busts the news to PB about the super secret timeline. Thanks, Ally, for sharing, but the producers told PB about this a long time ago. He ever-so-stealthily brought it up on their date in the park. Smug Lisa comes out in the wedding dress and curtseys. This is getting weirder and weirder. Has she no pride? Okay, dumb question. Ally stands up and hands Smug Lisa a tiara. Smug Lisa says, “Oh no,” like she’s shocked at the thought, but at the same time she says that she takes the tiara and puts it on her head. PB confessionals that Smug Lisa looked beautiful but he was a little freaked out by it. That’s actually the first sane thing I’ve heard out of PB this entire season. I’m not even really sure what else I can say about this. The absurdity speaks for itself. What frightens me most about Smug Lisa is that I don’t think she is an act, like Erica. This girl will seriously pull out all the stops to get someone down the aisle. It’s so odd. What ever happened to getting married because you’ve fallen in love with someone you can’t live without? Now it’s just about trying to pinch someone into submission so that you can – get married. It’s getting married for the concept of getting married, instead of getting married because you are inspired by someone. And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high… Thanks, Smug Lisa, for contributing to the statistics. (And for making women look like imbeciles.)

"NOW can you picture me as a princess?"

Now it’s time for dinner with Smug Lisa’s parents and brother. As everyone sits down at the table, Smug Lisa proudly announces that she had a wedding dress on earlier. I’m tempted again to question her shame factor. Smug Lisa’s mom finally says what everyone is thinking, which is, “A little strange. A little scary.” A little? I’m trying to think what my parents would say if I did that. They would be absolutely mortified. They would probably apologize to PB right in front of me. And my parents are extremely pro-marriage. Her parents ask PB if he saw Smug Lisa’s bride magazines. They have a good chuckle over it – they honestly think this is cute and charming – but I still can’t believe they aren’t dying of humiliation. Smug Lisa’s dad confessionals that his daughter is a planner – she’s been making lists since she was a little girl. Okay. Most people know that they eventually want to get married and have a family without putting it on a list. So thanks, dad, but the lists don’t explain why your daughter is completely psychotic. Nor have you explained yet why you’re not more embarrassed.

Smug Lisa and her dad have a sit-down to talk about PB. Smug Lisa, of course, mentions the important things, like the diamond earrings – did you know they are 2.5 carats each and are worth 15,000 dollars? These are crucial matters when choosing a husband. Meanwhile, Smug Lisa’s mom forces PB into an impromptu Pilates session on the floor. Okay, so this is an entire family of psychos. Smug Lisa giggles and says, “Mom, what are you doing to my date?” My date? Did they get set up on match.com and are just meeting for the first time? My date? What a weird way to refer to the man you are planning to marry. This girl is so completely out of touch. PB tells Smug Lisa’s parents that he can see where she got all of her great qualities. On the doorstep, Smug Lisa demands “more kisses,” and bounces up and down giggling while PB says goodbye. PB confessionals that he’s concerned because Smug Lisa has an agenda. He hopes she’s here not just because she wants to get married, but because she actually likes him. Newsflash, PB. None of these girls actually like you, so you can forget that right now. You need to start worrying about all the money you’ll be stuck paying when Smug Lisa divorces you because you’re not fitting into her 10 year plan, or whatever she thinks is going to happen after age 30. Smug Lisa is clearly very pleased with herself and how adorable and appealing she’s been today, showing herself in her wedding dress to “get the ball rolling.” My vote just officially changed to Smug Lisa, because this loon is exactly what the Pet Beautician deserves.

Next PB is off to Miami to meet Jen’s family. Jen confessionals how important this is, blah, blah, blah. She says her dad is really intense and will let her know if he doesn’t like PB. He won’t care what or who PB is, he’ll just care whether he’s going to make Jen happy. Sounds like responsible parenting. I bet he wouldn’t stand for his daughter parading in a wedding dress in front of a guy she’s been on two dates with. PB and Jen go out on the ocean in the rain to do some fishing. PB says that it’s even more romantic than kissing in front of St. Peters. Oh, PB! Your never-ending wit and humor are just so amazing. Jen totally puts PB to shame by not only catching a fish, but catching a shark. She kisses the shark goodbye and they throw it back in the water. PB starts grabbing Jen and trying to kiss her and she keeps squirming away and won’t let him. Finally one of these girls is showing some good sense. PB jokes (ha ha, so funny) that he’s not ready to meet her parents and asks if her dad has guns – he does. It also seems that Jen is an only child.

"We're boring."

Over at Casa de Jen, Jen’s dad reiterates that he doesn’t give a flip who PB is, he just wants to know if PB is worthy of his little girl. He asks PB at dinner to explain what it means to be an Italian prince. PB explains that one of his “relatives” was Pope Paul V. Okay, relative? It’s not like an uncle that you see at Christmas, PB. This is the 1600s we’re talking about. “Ancestor” might be a better term. And I think that Pope Paul V is probably an ancestor of just about everyone. Funny how that works. PB goes on to explain that this ancestor just decided one day to give titles to these enormous dorks who turned out to be PB’s forebears. Yeah, fascinating. Jen’s dad totally changes the topic and asks if PB is at a point where he wants to settle down. PB makes this as awkward as humanly possible by defiantly saying, “I’m not here to ask for your permission for your daughter’s hand in marriage yet.” Okay, dumbass. Jen’s dad didn’t say, “Are you here to ask for my daughter’s hand in marriage?” He asked if you’re at a point where you want to settle down. Next PB says, “But I am at a point where I do want to settle down and I want to find somebody and have a family. That’s just the point where I am in my life.” Yeah. THAT is actually what he asked you. You could have skipped the first impudent statement, you gigantic douchebag.

Now Jen’s dad takes PB aside for a little one-on-one time. He asks how PB feels about Jen. PB prefaces the whole conversation with another bratty announcement – and it’s the tone that’s bratty, not so much the words. “Yeah. You know, every question you ask me I’ll be honest with you.” He says he hasn’t found anything bad about Jen yet, but you better believe he’ll keep looking. He says she’s attractive, but it’s not just that, it’s who she is as a person. How generic. This is how you’re going to sell it to the people who know her best? How about some specifics here, brainiac? Jen’s dad busts out a huge gun and tells PB this is what he’ll use on anyone who mistreats his daughter. Yes that’s a bit over the top, but I like that he’s not letting PB and the camera crew intimidate him. In fact he would rather that PB be the intimidated one. And so would I. Once when I had a fight with an ex-boyfriend, my dad was on the phone saying, “I’m glad I live in another state because I’m about ready to go find a shotgun.” HA! Love it. Love the daddies who protect their daughters. PB confessionals that he hopes Jen’s parents like him, but if they don’t, there wasn’t anything he could have done differently. No PB, you’re perfect, we know that. Get some manners, you little twerp!

And now for the last hometown date in beautiful Venice. PB confessionals that Agnese has qualities he would like in a future wife, but his problem is the communication factor. Yeah, we know since that’s the only topic of conversation ever between you and Agnese. Agnese looks so cosmopolitan standing on the pier waiting to greet PB. She is very European chic. She confessionals that she was so excited and nervous that she couldn’t sleep last night. Have I mentioned how cute I think she is? She seems so genuine and so much sweeter than the Americans. Compare her with Smug Lisa and it’s shocking. Agnese greets PB with a big hug and says she’s missed him. She starts asking about where he’s been and how his other hometown dates went. PB doesn’t cooperate. As they stroll through Venice, Agnese tells PB that this is difficult for her and she doesn’t like this competition. Exactly! She gets a pass for not knowing this is how it would be because she’s not American and was obviously recruited by producers to bring some internationalism to the show. (And let’s face it, that’s why she’s still around.) PB seems annoyed with Agnese for wanting to do all this talking. He’s very curt and tells her that they need to focus on their hometown date. Agnese shows PB the hospital where she was born – it looks like a museum. She also shows him the church where she would like to get married – the hospital is prettier. Next they go for a gondola ride and PB confessionals that he’s never been on a gondola ride and has never been with such a beautiful girl. Wow, Venice is amazing. He would be wise to pick her just for her hometown (again I’ll point out that this is exactly why she’s still around – thanks, producers!), but if he did pick her that would be very bad news for her. And she deserves better. PB wants to make out with Agnese on the gondola. He seems the most excited about kissing her. With all the other girls it looks like he’d rather be kissing a guy. They stop for a snack and Agnese says PB will be meeting her mom, dad, and a sister and brother. No one speaks English except for her father – a little. Well, this should be riveting. PB confessionals that he predicts communication will be a problem at dinner. Someone get this man a PhD!

"Can we reschedule this for after your family learns some English?"

PB introduces himself to Agnese’s dad by saying his own name with an Italian accent. Oh, how dumb he was to give up Erica. They have so much in common! Agnese’s little sister looks just like her except blonde. They are so adorable. They all gather around in the living room and look at PB with expectant smiles on their faces. Like if they wish really hard, he’ll speak some Italian. All he can manage is “I wish I could speak Italian,” in English. He asks if they like New York. None of them have ever been. Surprised PB? Not everyone on earth is in a rush to get to your hometown. Especially if they live in Venice – why would they ever leave? Agnese’s dad takes PB outside for a sit-down. I’m sensing a trend here. PB makes his oft-given speech about how much he thinks of the daughter in question. Agnese’s dad sits there trying to understand and finally says in Italian, “It’s too bad you don’t speak Italian.” Yes that is true. But I think a more accurate statement would be, “It’s a terrifying embarrassment to our country that someone claiming to be an Italian prince can’t say one word in our native tongue. Shame on you!” Over dinner, Agnese’s dad makes a very charming and Italian speech saying they are happy to have PB there and that he loves his daughter and wants her to be happy. PB is very awkward, but says he’s honored. After the food, the entire family gets up and begins dancing. It’s so Italian. I love the Italians because they love life. They would rather stay up late at night dancing together than repair the broken fence in the front yard. They really have admirable priorities. So adorable! PB does not fit in at all. At the doorstep, PB goes in for some more make out. It’s enough to make you think he’s straight.

Well now that the painful duration of the hometown dates is over, it’s once again time to send someone packing. Chris comes out and says that there are four girls and three roses. Maybe this time I’ll be able to keep up. PB comes out and says he’s speechless, but that doesn’t stop him from yapping for an hour. It’s just the same old crap. He’s amazed, he thinks they’re all great, he’s not a real prince, etc., etc. He warns them that this is going to hurt, but he has to do it. Get over yourself, your royal doucheness.

"You say you want to know how many roses are left?"

Sadie gets the first rose. So far having herpes is really paying off. But I still don’t think she’ll win. Jen gets rose number two. Smug Lisa isn’t looking so smug. I wonder if she’s rethinking her little fashion show, but I doubt it. Oh, thank goodness, Chris comes out to tell us there’s just one rose left. This time I won’t be in the dark when someone starts in with her farewell speech. Smug Lisa gets the rose and her smugness comes back. Agnese looks surprised and a little disgusted, which is highly appropriate.

Ciao, Bella. Better things await you.

Here is PB’s excuse. “I wanted to let Agnese know that I find her very attractive. I enjoy my time with her. But the number one thing you need to grow a relationship is communication, and at this point I didn’t have that.” Here I go with another list.

1. Why do guys always think it is such a consolation to be told you’re attractive?
2. “At this point” PB didn’t have communication? Wow, it took him weeks of group dates and a visit to her home to figure out that communication was an issue? You never had communication, you idiot.

Agnese tears up a little. PB tells her again that she’s beautiful – what did I just say? He says he wanted to get to know her and he liked her a lot, blah, blah, blah. He says it’s just that they can’t fully express themselves and that it’s his fault, not hers. Bingo! He says if it were another time, another day, another place… basically if he could bend the space-time continuum and transform himself out of being a complete loser, he would keep her around. Agnese says she thinks he’s right, and it’s natural that she’s disappointed. She goes to hug him and he freaking tries to make out with her again! He has absolutely no class. Agnese cries a little and PB starts crying like a four year old girl. What is his problem? Oh wait, there I go with another stupid question. He stands there with tears streaming as the limo pulls away. Oh Agnese, what a huge bullet you just dodged! On her ride of shame, she says that it is hard for her to divide her heart from her head, and that PB uses more head than heart. Oh sweetie, don’t give him that much credit. He is a raging loser and you can do much better. This is all for the best.

PB comes back to the three Americans still wiping his eyes and offers them a toast. Well, I’m convinced, how about you?

Next week are the fantasy overnight dates. Sadie’s herpes gets put to the test.

They teased us at every commercial break that Erica would be coming up to share her thoughts. She said two sentences during the credits, so I’m officially done paying heed to precaps.

What do you have to say about this episode?