So wait a second, what is this show about? Oh, thanks Chris Harrison, for reminding me. An Italian prince came to
We’re starting off with Sadie in
Sadie tells PB that her family is going to fall in love with him, but she doesn’t want him to say anything lame. That’s not possible, Sadie. At Casa de Sadie, Sadie starts to regale her family with tales from
In the kitchen Sadie gushes to her mom that she just trusts PB. He’s so smart and humble, and he’s like daddy because he puts other people before himself, opens doors for her and feels safe. She says he’s the kind of guy she would be proud to have on her arm. Interestingly, it’s this “arm” comment that makes Sadie’s mom spring to attention and say that this is a big deal. Hmm, so PB is a trophy? Fair enough – that’s all guys have needed from women for centuries. Sadie confessionals that she’s been hurt before, so she’s guarding her heart. But what this could be is just so worth the risk.
Next Sadie announces that she has a big surprise for PB, so she must bid her family fond farewell. PB confessionals something stupid about how much love there is with Sadie’s family and it meant a lot. Here is how it sounded to me: uh, duh, duh, duh. Mm, duh. The big surprise is that Sadie takes PB to
Oooh, next we visit
The next thing to happen is that Smug Lisa’s best friend bursts through the door carrying a wedding dress. She and Smug Lisa scream and jump around. Smug Lisa says, “Why would you bring me a wedding dress?” Wink, wink. Best friend Ally says, “Well I found out you were in the final four – I figured you might need this.” Nod, nod. Wink, wink. Smug Lisa confessionals that Ally, her best friend in the whole world, just showed up and completely out of nowhere brought a wedding dress! What a surprise! Ally tells Smug Lisa to try it on and Smug Lisa pretends to think about it for a nanosecond before snatching it away from Ally. While Smug Lisa runs to her bedroom to put on the dress that we all know has been purchased, fitted, and hanging in her closet for years, Ally busts the news to PB about the super secret timeline. Thanks, Ally, for sharing, but the producers told PB about this a long time ago. He ever-so-stealthily brought it up on their date in the park. Smug Lisa comes out in the wedding dress and curtseys. This is getting weirder and weirder. Has she no pride? Okay, dumb question. Ally stands up and hands Smug Lisa a tiara. Smug Lisa says, “Oh no,” like she’s shocked at the thought, but at the same time she says that she takes the tiara and puts it on her head. PB confessionals that Smug Lisa looked beautiful but he was a little freaked out by it. That’s actually the first sane thing I’ve heard out of PB this entire season. I’m not even really sure what else I can say about this. The absurdity speaks for itself. What frightens me most about Smug Lisa is that I don’t think she is an act, like Erica. This girl will seriously pull out all the stops to get someone down the aisle. It’s so odd. What ever happened to getting married because you’ve fallen in love with someone you can’t live without? Now it’s just about trying to pinch someone into submission so that you can – get married. It’s getting married for the concept of getting married, instead of getting married because you are inspired by someone. And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high… Thanks, Smug Lisa, for contributing to the statistics. (And for making women look like imbeciles.)
Now it’s time for dinner with Smug Lisa’s parents and brother. As everyone sits down at the table, Smug Lisa proudly announces that she had a wedding dress on earlier. I’m tempted again to question her shame factor. Smug Lisa’s mom finally says what everyone is thinking, which is, “A little strange. A little scary.” A little? I’m trying to think what my parents would say if I did that. They would be absolutely mortified. They would probably apologize to PB right in front of me. And my parents are extremely pro-marriage. Her parents ask PB if he saw Smug Lisa’s bride magazines. They have a good chuckle over it – they honestly think this is cute and charming – but I still can’t believe they aren’t dying of humiliation. Smug Lisa’s dad confessionals that his daughter is a planner – she’s been making lists since she was a little girl. Okay. Most people know that they eventually want to get married and have a family without putting it on a list. So thanks, dad, but the lists don’t explain why your daughter is completely psychotic. Nor have you explained yet why you’re not more embarrassed.
Smug Lisa and her dad have a sit-down to talk about PB. Smug Lisa, of course, mentions the important things, like the diamond earrings – did you know they are 2.5 carats each and are worth 15,000 dollars? These are crucial matters when choosing a husband. Meanwhile, Smug Lisa’s mom forces PB into an impromptu Pilates session on the floor. Okay, so this is an entire family of psychos. Smug Lisa giggles and says, “Mom, what are you doing to my date?” My date? Did they get set up on match.com and are just meeting for the first time? My date? What a weird way to refer to the man you are planning to marry. This girl is so completely out of touch. PB tells Smug Lisa’s parents that he can see where she got all of her great qualities. On the doorstep, Smug Lisa demands “more kisses,” and bounces up and down giggling while PB says goodbye. PB confessionals that he’s concerned because Smug Lisa has an agenda. He hopes she’s here not just because she wants to get married, but because she actually likes him. Newsflash, PB. None of these girls actually like you, so you can forget that right now. You need to start worrying about all the money you’ll be stuck paying when Smug Lisa divorces you because you’re not fitting into her 10 year plan, or whatever she thinks is going to happen after age 30. Smug Lisa is clearly very pleased with herself and how adorable and appealing she’s been today, showing herself in her wedding dress to “get the ball rolling.” My vote just officially changed to Smug Lisa, because this loon is exactly what the Pet Beautician deserves.
Next PB is off to
Over at Casa de Jen, Jen’s dad reiterates that he doesn’t give a flip who PB is, he just wants to know if PB is worthy of his little girl. He asks PB at dinner to explain what it means to be an Italian prince. PB explains that one of his “relatives” was Pope Paul V. Okay, relative? It’s not like an uncle that you see at Christmas, PB. This is the 1600s we’re talking about. “Ancestor” might be a better term. And I think that Pope Paul V is probably an ancestor of just about everyone. Funny how that works. PB goes on to explain that this ancestor just decided one day to give titles to these enormous dorks who turned out to be PB’s forebears. Yeah, fascinating. Jen’s dad totally changes the topic and asks if PB is at a point where he wants to settle down. PB makes this as awkward as humanly possible by defiantly saying, “I’m not here to ask for your permission for your daughter’s hand in marriage yet.” Okay, dumbass. Jen’s dad didn’t say, “Are you here to ask for my daughter’s hand in marriage?” He asked if you’re at a point where you want to settle down. Next PB says, “But I am at a point where I do want to settle down and I want to find somebody and have a family. That’s just the point where I am in my life.” Yeah. THAT is actually what he asked you. You could have skipped the first impudent statement, you gigantic douchebag.
Now Jen’s dad takes PB aside for a little one-on-one time. He asks how PB feels about Jen. PB prefaces the whole conversation with another bratty announcement – and it’s the tone that’s bratty, not so much the words. “Yeah. You know, every question you ask me I’ll be honest with you.” He says he hasn’t found anything bad about Jen yet, but you better believe he’ll keep looking. He says she’s attractive, but it’s not just that, it’s who she is as a person. How generic. This is how you’re going to sell it to the people who know her best? How about some specifics here, brainiac? Jen’s dad busts out a huge gun and tells PB this is what he’ll use on anyone who mistreats his daughter. Yes that’s a bit over the top, but I like that he’s not letting PB and the camera crew intimidate him. In fact he would rather that PB be the intimidated one. And so would I. Once when I had a fight with an ex-boyfriend, my dad was on the phone saying, “I’m glad I live in another state because I’m about ready to go find a shotgun.” HA! Love it. Love the daddies who protect their daughters. PB confessionals that he hopes Jen’s parents like him, but if they don’t, there wasn’t anything he could have done differently. No PB, you’re perfect, we know that. Get some manners, you little twerp!
And now for the last hometown date in beautiful
PB introduces himself to Agnese’s dad by saying his own name with an Italian accent. Oh, how dumb he was to give up Erica. They have so much in common! Agnese’s little sister looks just like her except blonde. They are so adorable. They all gather around in the living room and look at PB with expectant smiles on their faces. Like if they wish really hard, he’ll speak some Italian. All he can manage is “I wish I could speak Italian,” in English. He asks if they like
Well now that the painful duration of the hometown dates is over, it’s once again time to send someone packing. Chris comes out and says that there are four girls and three roses. Maybe this time I’ll be able to keep up. PB comes out and says he’s speechless, but that doesn’t stop him from yapping for an hour. It’s just the same old crap. He’s amazed, he thinks they’re all great, he’s not a real prince, etc., etc. He warns them that this is going to hurt, but he has to do it. Get over yourself, your royal doucheness.
Sadie gets the first rose. So far having herpes is really paying off. But I still don’t think she’ll win. Jen gets rose number two. Smug Lisa isn’t looking so smug. I wonder if she’s rethinking her little fashion show, but I doubt it. Oh, thank goodness, Chris comes out to tell us there’s just one rose left. This time I won’t be in the dark when someone starts in with her farewell speech. Smug Lisa gets the rose and her smugness comes back. Agnese looks surprised and a little disgusted, which is highly appropriate.
Here is PB’s excuse. “I wanted to let Agnese know that I find her very attractive. I enjoy my time with her. But the number one thing you need to grow a relationship is communication, and at this point I didn’t have that.” Here I go with another list.
- Why do guys always think it is such a consolation to be told you’re attractive?
- “At this point” PB didn’t have communication? Wow, it took him weeks of group dates and a visit to her home to figure out that communication was an issue? You never had communication, you idiot.
Agnese tears up a little. PB tells her again that she’s beautiful – what did I just say? He says he wanted to get to know her and he liked her a lot, blah, blah, blah. He says it’s just that they can’t fully express themselves and that it’s his fault, not hers. Bingo! He says if it were another time, another day, another place… basically if he could bend the space-time continuum and transform himself out of being a complete loser, he would keep her around. Agnese says she thinks he’s right, and it’s natural that she’s disappointed. She goes to hug him and he freaking tries to make out with her again! He has absolutely no class. Agnese cries a little and PB starts crying like a four year old girl. What is his problem? Oh wait, there I go with another stupid question. He stands there with tears streaming as the limo pulls away. Oh Agnese, what a huge bullet you just dodged! On her ride of shame, she says that it is hard for her to divide her heart from her head, and that PB uses more head than heart. Oh sweetie, don’t give him that much credit. He is a raging loser and you can do much better. This is all for the best.
PB comes back to the three Americans still wiping his eyes and offers them a toast. Well, I’m convinced, how about you?
Next week are the fantasy overnight dates. Sadie’s herpes gets put to the test.
They teased us at every commercial break that Erica would be coming up to share her thoughts. She said two sentences during the credits, so I’m officially done paying heed to precaps.
What do you have to say about this episode?