Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The Bachelor's Fairy Tale Nightmare Continues

"Hi there."

So around 9:15, when at last we finished all of the recaps and precaps and heard about Sadie saving herself for marriage for the 17th time, we finally settle in on the little hovel where the girls are staying. Chris comes in to announce that there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. He now moves into his regular job of stating the obvious. The one-on-one dates are more important than ever. Thanks, Chris! In order to find out who will get the single dates, each girl has to go in a room and talk trash about the other girls into a camera. They will be judged on their honesty. Oh geez. Apparently this crop of girls hasn’t provided enough drama on their own, so now they are being forced into a room with a cattle prod and made to answer mean questions. And the questions?

1. Who is the least deserving of becoming a princess?
2. Who is the most insincere girl in the house?

Always with the negative. Then I remember! Erica will be here to pit the girls against one another! YES! So I’m getting ready for the little interviews to be viewed en masse as soon as they are done getting taped. Hooray for Erica!

"Every generation has an icon."

The girls are taken one by one into the little room and reminded that they must be as mean as possible. Except the way Chris says it is, “totally honest.” Smug Lisa goes first. I’m chuckling as I see that there are cue cards in the room for them in case they forget one or both of the very difficult questions. Erica is ready to take notes on the interviews in a pink book that is no bigger than a credit card. She tells us that she already knows Smug Lisa has been two-faced and deceptive. Smug Lisa tells the camera that she doesn’t think Jen deserves to be a princess because she’s not well-spoken and not pretty without makeup. Wow. Since princesses are probably always wearing makeup, I’m not sure that second reason holds much water. Most famous women aren’t that pretty without makeup and that never stopped any of them! Welcome to the 21st century. Smug Lisa also says that Jen is insincere because she tries to come off being all sincere, but it’s fake. Um, who’s not well-spoken? After Smug Lisa steps out, the remainder of this exercise is unanimous, with every girl giving Lisa as the answer to both questions. Sadie “chokes up” a little as she tells the camera she doesn’t like to talk about other people. Oh brother, you’re on “The Bachelor,” not some Christian crusade. Spill it, Sadie! After all, you’ve spilled everything else.

Back in the living room, Chris announces with glee that the girls will now meet the judge of this little exercise. Yes! In walks Erica ready to open the flood gates and let all the girls know just what they really think of each other. This is what I’m talking about. Erica gives a little speech saying that she feels like she knows some of the girls better than she did while she was in the house, that most of the girls don’t like one of the girls and she agrees, and that a princess should be fun and honest. Okay – time for the clips… Bring on the clips… Clips, clips, clips… Aaaand Erica leaves. Chris says they will find out who wins when the date boxes arrive. Whaaaaaaaat? This is crap! I’ve been robbed! I was so excited for the pitting of the women against one another. What is this? Another episode ruined with precaps! I am so tired of this show teasing me to death and then not delivering. Garbage! I need a Xanax so I can finish THIS exercise.

Okay, I’m feeling better. A little groggy, but better. Let’s continue. The first date box arrives for Sadie – surprise, surprise. She just hates talking about other people, boo hoo. PB’s note written in what is clearly a girl’s handwriting tells Sadie that she is going flying with PB. Yay – just like Lois Lane and Superman over Metropolis! Oh wait, no. They’re going in an airplane. Remember? PB likes to fly. Sadie runs off to “get ready to go fly away,” and Jen scurries along after her. Agnese confessionals that she’s jealous of Sadie.

PB whisks Sadie away.

PB confessionals that he was like, totally excited to see Sadie, but today he has to figure out if he likes her enough to go meet her parents. I have to take a moment and give my two cents about the Sadie situation here. So, the way I see it, PB is stuck for the moment. This girl just came to him and told him she’s a virgin. If he kicks her off right away, that makes him look like a huge scumbag who is just looking to get laid. She’s got to stay. On the other hand, looking at things from a long term prospective, guys know that girls who are saving themselves don’t mess around with dating and playing and one night stands and live-in boyfriends. Typically girls who are saving themselves are very serious about relationships, and are looking for the One Big Thing. I think we all know that the Pet Beautician is not the One Big Thing. Especially for Sadie, who has been waiting patiently for the man of her dreams. And as stupid as PB may be, I think he knows full well he’s not the One Big Thing. And he doesn’t want to be. Not for any noble reasons, mind you, but he doesn’t want to be responsible for being someone’s perceived One Big Thing and then having to shed the light on the truth of the matter, which is that he is nothing but a douchebag. What a hassle. Yes, I definitely predict that he will eventually sidestep this entire scenario. But not before keeping her around long enough to camouflage the inner douche. Thank you for your attention.

So PB takes Sadie to an Italian airfield and straps her into a tin can that he proposes to fly. Sadie is understandably very nervous. Once they are airborne, Sadie commences gushing. She is so impressed with PB. She can’t believe he’s really flying. He looks like such a stud right now, she just wants to kiss him. Heck, she would make out with him. Whoa, Sadie, slow down there, tiger. PB turns the controls of the plane over to Sadie, which basically means… nothing. She could make the plane go up or down a little or make a turn. Sadie freaks out, of course, saying she did not plan on this! She confessionals that it was “an absolute dream” to fly the plane on her own, and it was all such a bonding experience. He just wowed her. Oh brother! Okay, yes, it would be cool to be taken flying on a date, but no, PB does not have a wow factor. The conversation during the flight was so lame. It consisted of Sadie gushing and PB stammering awkwardly. How not impressive.

The producers clarify PB's comment as Sadie puts her hand on his knee.

Next, Sadie comments on what everyone will think: “The girls are just going to flip out when they hear that Lorenzo flew me around Italy and he just whisked me away to this thermal hot tub.” Yes, I’ve always dreamed of being whisked away to a thermal hot tub. This is a fairy tale come true. By the way, aren’t most hot tubs somewhat thermal? So PB and Sadie float around in the thermal hot tub and have a stupid conversation about what a good pilot Sadie is, and all the while Sadie’s voiceover is saying how flirtatious PB has been and she could totally tell he wanted to kiss her – but he didn’t. Sadie and I must have different definitions of the word “flirtatious.”

Back home, to the delighted shrieks of the girls, another date box is arriving. Jeannette, Lisa, Agnese and Desiree receive a note in gold ink that tells them to “Let the games begin…” Oh how cryptic. What could this possibly mean? In the box are a bunch of togas that the girls pull out and start to play with. Then they realize the most important thing that this date box tells them, which is that Jen gets the other one-on-one date. Smug Lisa complains to the camera that she hates group dates. She didn’t come here to make best friends, she came to win herself a husband!

Now it’s time for another uncomfortable conversation over dinner as Sadie tells PB how impressed she is that he didn’t judge her for being a virgin. Are you kidding me? This is what passes for impressive? Please! It’s not like he told her he’s happy that she’s a virgin, or that he’s always wanted to marry a virgin. He just said he won’t judge her for it. Well, thank you, PB, for being so kind as to not judge me for having morals! I know you could get many whores quite easily, so for you to actually spend your royal time on a wholesome girl like me is just so impressive. Sadie confessionals that it’s sexy that PB respects her.

First of all, “I won’t hold it against you,” doesn’t exactly qualify as respect.
Secondly, there is nothing sexy about PB.

Next Sadie tells PB that she can tell he’s wanted to kiss her all day. Here is PB’s response: “Really? That’s what you think? Why do you say that?” Geez! This guy has absolutely no idea how to talk to women. Now if he had said that in a flirtatious voice with a huge smile while leaning in to kiss her, it would have been cute, but he didn’t. He said it while remaining three feet away from her and furrowing his brow. This is not the reception I would hope for when proposing a kiss. Sadie keeps her cool and insists she’s right and they should kiss. Get ready for another tight-lipped awkward moment. Ack, that was painful. Sadie now whips out a San Diego Chargers t-shirt that says “Whatever it takes,” to remind PB to choose her for a hometown date. “Go Chargers!” What a waste of ten dollars. PB gives Sadie a rose. More yucky smooching.

"Well crap. Now I have to keep the prude for another week."

Back from commercial, the girls are getting ready for their group date. They’re seriously getting dressed up in togas. PB confessionals that this is the most important group date (unlike last week’s group dates) because this time he doesn’t want to accidentally send home his future wife. He says he planned the toga party because he’s all about themes and since they’re in Rome, it just seemed natural.

#1. PB didn’t plan this.
#2. He’s all about themes? How fabulous. I’m just saying!
#3. Nothing about any of this is natural. Please, PB, no more talking.

On the ride over in the Euromobile to whatever will be serving as the toga party, Smug Lisa tells everyone that she knows nothing about Roman history, but she knows all about “The Bachelor” history. Shhhocking. PB takes the gals to the Roman aqueducts, where they will be competing in a few rounds of chariot racing. Upon arrival, the girls all scream like Brad Pitt is standing there waiting for them, instead of four horses and a couple of guys in gladiator costumes. They hop onto the chariots and go a few rounds until Jeannette emerges as the winner. For the final race, Jeannette and PB compete and the winner gets a wish. A wish? How about something she can sell? What’s funny about all of this is that the guys in gladiator costumes are the ones actually doing the racing. Everybody else is just a passenger. Whatever, it’s all themed and natural.

"So ladies, these are the aqueducts and I have no idea what that means."

Well Jeannette wins and PB confessionals that today he learned that Jeannette is fearless and a winner. And it looked like he was thinking so hard to come up with that much that he was in pain. Jeannette confessionals that she has no idea what she’s going to wish for, but she does want PB to meet her parents and she does want a hometown date, so maybe…

Meanwhile, up at the shack, Sadie and Jen are hanging out, when what should arrive but Jen’s date box! She starts tearing it open and finds a note inviting her to feel the magic of Rome with PB. Then she finds a purse and inside that a coin purse containing coins. This is so exciting for Jen that she can’t sit still. She and Sadie excitedly ponder what on earth this could possibly mean. Ladies, it means you’re losers, that’s all. Oh, and you’re also fighting over the world’s biggest loser. Sadie confessionals that this is hard because she doesn’t like sharing guys. This is reminding me of people going on “America’s Next Top Model” and then complaining that they have to get a haircut. This is what you signed up for!

PB and the girls return home to continue their toga party at the pool. There is a big Roman spread of food waiting for them and PB tells the girls that there will be no rose on this date. Ha! What a waste of time and energy – especially for Smug Lisa, who hates group dates. Next, as everyone is standing around next to the pool, PB decides to tackle Desiree right into the pool. Oh, he is such a wild and crazy guy. Now everyone leaps in and frolics, stopping after a minute for tequila shots.

Agnese decides it’s time for her weekly discussion of the language barrier with PB. They stroll over to a swing set and PB stands there listening to her broken English and looking at his watch. He asks if she thinks it would be weird if he came home with her because he doesn’t know Italian. Agnese says yes, it would be weird – for him. Well, PB is having none of that, and points out that it will be weird not for him, but for her parents and her! Yes, that’s a good point, PB. When a foreigner comes into someone’s house and can’t speak their language, it’s always more weird for the people who live there than for the foreigner. Nice try.

Over at the pool, Smug Lisa is yakking away at Jeannette about how important this is all getting. She then proceeds to explain how her hometown date would play out in 15 minute intervals – including the fact that her little brother would be the server at dinner. Apparently this is all part of the five year plan and Smug Lisa has had this in mind for ages. Jeannette senses that Smug Lisa is here more for the game than for PB and she takes PB aside to spill her guts about her feelings for him. She says she cherishes all the time they’ve spent together. PB says nothing. Awkward! Jeannette switches gears and says she had fun today. PB – still wearing a leaf wreath on his head – reminds her that she won the races and she needs to make her wish. Jeannette says her wish is for PB to enjoy the moment. Yeah, I don’t think Mr. Uncomfortable has any chance of that happening any time soon. PB angrily confessionals that he thinks Jeannette’s wish was a cop out. I think he may have been hoping that Jeannette’s wish was to see PB and Chris Harrison make out. Sorry, PB – not at this toga party.

"Wow, I bet Chris would look so hot in a toga."

Back from commercial, it’s time for Jen’s one-on-one date. PB comes to pick her up dressed like Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever.

"Let's go see fabulous Rome!"

Smug Lisa and Desiree giggle over how cute he looks. After the limo parks, PB and Jen hop into a horse-drawn carriage to see the city. PB talks like he’s been here before, pointing out sights and saying this is the only way to see Rome. The jig is up, PB. We know you’ve never been here. And didn’t I tell you to stop talking? Jen confessionals that PB is so amazing, she even forgot he’s a prince. A prince? I forgot that five minutes into the premiere. But then I started getting reminded every 12 seconds, so now it’s engrained on my subconscious. PB confessionals that tonight’s date was not just about Rome, it was also about dinner. Again, I have to marvel that this eloquent man is still single. He takes Jen to eat on a rooftop over looking Vatican City. Gorgeous. Will hamburgers be on the menu? Jen mistakenly thinks PB had something to do with this and thanks him. That always gives me a chuckle. Jen confessionals that she’s just a girl from Miami and now she’s on a balcony overlooking the Vatican. Oh my gosh! Jen! Lots of girls from Miami have overlooked the Vatican. And they probably did it on their own, not clambering after some idiot. Now they talk about Jen’s career as a teacher and she shares that she is getting a master’s degree in counseling because she loves listening to people’s problems. Me too, that’s why I watch this show. PB decides to throw a problem Jen’s way for her to analyze. Coming up blank, he looks for a cue card and then asks why he can’t have more nights like tonight. Jen suggests maybe he’s not dating the right people. Yeah, I came up with that the first time I read an article that Prince Lorenzo Borghese was to be the next Bachelor.

Meanwhile at the house, Desiree and Lisa are hanging out and gushing over how cute PB looked dressed up as a disco dancer. They decide the best way to pass the time while not on dates with PB is to get trashed doing tequila shots. Next they do a demonstration of ultimate refined class by tearing off their bathing suits and running through the yard, and through Jeannette’s confessional, butt naked – ending up in the pool. Desiree confessionals that it felt so good to just let loose. They’ve been under so much stress and running naked through the yard helped to ease that. She says the tequila really worked. But she pronounces it “tuh-keel-iya.” I noticed she did that earlier, too. It’s amazing who qualifies for a real estate license in Salt Lake City.

Back on the rooftop overlooking the Vatican, Jen and PB swap stories about how their parents met. Who cares? PB uses his story to lead into giving Jen a rose and saying he can’t wait to meet her parents. Now they go for a walk to the Trevi fountain while an entire symphony kicks in as playback. Apparently this is a fountain where people throw coins in and make wishes (like most fountains on the planet). Ah ha! Jen finally solves the mystery of the date box coin purse.

"I wish the Pet Beautician would take a flying leap."

Apparently this is also the night when everyone in Rome turns up at the Trevi fountain to watch some idiot Americans make a TV show. The entire time Jen winds up and tosses her coin into the fountain there are flashes going off and you can see that an area literally had to be roped off for her and PB to stand there and look at the fountain. The crowd looks on restlessly from behind their ropes, snapping pictures while PB goes in for the kiss. PB confessionals that he didn’t even realize anyone else was around. Right. That would be like performing in the middle of a packed arena and thinking you’re all alone singing in the shower. Not so much, PB. Jen confessionals that this could be the beginning of her very own fairy tale dream come true. “What girl wouldn’t want to fall in love with an amazing guy that’s a prince?” That’s a good point, but so far I haven’t seen that amazing guy – just this doofus.

At last! It’s the most important rose ceremony of the century, but first there shall be a little cocktail party to give everyone a chance to make one last desperate plea for a rose. Of course, Smug Lisa steps right in and tells PB that she’s sad because it’s been a while since that amazing date they had, but she still feels the same way for him that she did oh so long ago. PB asks if it bothers her that he’s dating other women. Smug Lisa lies and says no because she knows it’s part of the process. PB seems to ask questions like this in a way that makes it seem more like a dig than a question. It’s almost like he’s trying to provoke them into saying the wrong thing. He’s so not smooth. PB confessionals that he was glad to hear what Smug Lisa had to say. Yeah, whatever.

Desiree sits down with Agnese and Jeannette to point out that Smug Lisa knows way too much about the whole process of “The Bachelor.” This leads the girls to conclude that Smug Lisa does not have the right intent. What do they mean? Her timeline isn’t the right intent? She’s got a schedule to keep here, people! Apparently boys in the real world weren’t falling into line fast enough, so “The Bachelor” was the next logical step. Makes sense to me!

Now Desiree pulls PB outside to take her turn at spilling her guts. She wants him to know that she has super deep feelings for him, and she’s here for the right reasons. She tells PB that she’d love to spend the rest of her life with him. Oops, not a good choice, Desiree. You should have brought up that thing about sex at work again if you were looking for a rose. PB is of course, extremely uncomfortable and starts in on a speech about how he should be the one selling himself to her instead of vice versa. This is actually true. I’m a big fan of guys being the ones to sell themselves to girls they like. But I think we all know that’s not what PB is here to do.

"I know! I loved that episode of 'Queer Eye!'"

Next Jeannette has her sit-down with PB and she brings up her lame wish. She reassures PB that she is taking this very seriously and very much to heart. Again PB has no clue what to say, so he kind of repeats the speech Desiree gave to him when she pointed out that he must have kept her around this long for a reason. Uh, yeah, what Desiree said. That goes for Jeannette, ditto, yeah.

And it’s out on the lawn with Agnese to once again mull over the language barrier. As this goes on, Smug Lisa and Jen decide that they don’t think Agnese will be getting a rose tonight. PB tells Agnese that whatever decision he makes, he’s enjoyed his time with her. Sounds like someone’s getting the boot. But this is the third speech of the evening that sounded like that. Oh, I still think Agnese is so cute. She seems so sweet and honestly seems to like PB. For her sake, I hope she doesn’t get a rose.

Finally Chris comes in tapping a glass with a butter knife and tells everyone it’s time for PB to hand over the roses. PB once again says how hard this is and he wants to make the right decision. Please. We all know that they’ll break up two weeks after the finale airs. No need for so much painstaking deliberation.

The girls watch as PB counts his two roses for the fifth time.

Smug Lisa gets the first rose and smugly accepts it. Only one rose left, and Chris is nowhere in sight to tell us. I’m very confused and I’m not sure what will happen next. Agnese gets the rose, but since Chris failed to clarify, I’m still hoping that PB will give Desiree a rose because I really want to see a hometown date in Salt Lake City. Go Desiree! Jeannette bids her teary farewell, concluding that PB didn’t see how passionate she was. I’m starting to wonder where Desiree will take PB in Salt Lake City, but what’s this? She’s making her farewell speech too! I don’t get it! I can’t follow the complex dynamics of this show without Chris Harrison clarifying every step of the way. Desiree is getting tearful and so am I now that Salt Lake is out of the picture. She could have taken great care of PB. Who’d want to? Next she says that Smug Lisa is just here to play the game and Agnese is only here out of curiosity. They don’t deserve PB like she does. She’s in shock. I’m telling you, she should have stuck with the sex stuff. It works every time. Once you switch from sexpot to emotional human, it’s all over. PB toasts his remaining four concubines and we fade out. Finally!

Next week, PB meets the families. Smug Lisa busts out in a wedding dress! Are you kidding me? This girl knows nothing about how men think. For men marriage is like a death sentence that they finally resign themselves to. You don’t see straight men whirling around holding up tuxedos in the mirror and dreaming about that walk down the aisle. They put it off for as long as humanly possible. Parading in a wedding dress is not a good move at this juncture. In fact, it’s probably not a good move at any time before the actual wedding ceremony. More like boyfriend repellant.

But also, Erica is back again! This time telling us what she thinks from the bathtub. I’ve already been tricked with the Erica tease. We’ll see what really happens.

So what is your vote? Were you as miffed as I was about the Grand Erica Fake-out?

No comments: