The Bachelorette - Jillian and Ed Chronicled

Tonight is my favorite night - Project Runway and Models of the Runway. It's going to start in just over an hour, I can't wait to see what the challenge is, and more importantly, I really can't wait to see Michael Kors' return (please be back, please be back).

But in the meantime, as it takes a few days for the recaps to turn around, I wanted to update y'all on The Bachelorette Jillian and her true love Ed. These are all from the "news" sources that had this be news fit to print :) On a side note, Jessica Simpson's dog abduction by a coyote made CNN where they did a brilliant job of "reporting" by posting random people's twitters about how they felt about this. Today, there's a story about Jon Gosselin's whoever calling him a liar. So I no longer can refer to CNN.com as a source of news. Just plain messed up.

OK, back to our couple du jour. First thing we all heard about this was that Ed had two girlfriends at the time of the Bachelorette filming, and that when he left for that unspecified period, he was hooking up with said ladies. He was also rumored to have slept with one these ladies *after* he proposed to Jillian. Some of the emails between Ed and his two other girlfriends surfaced, so I totally believe it. Read here



Then we got word from Wes (HA!) that he felt sorry for Jillian because Ed cheated on her and had a girlfriend the whole time. That's enough from you Wes! Read here

Then Ed was quoted as saying that "I am not, in any way, attracted to the chick," referring to Jillian. Read here



Then we got word from Melissa Rycroft that Ed and Jillian are doing just fine! Thanks Melissa.
Read Here



DeAnna then piped up and said that Jillian is still with Ed because the couple appearances are too profitable for them to break up. Read here



The next natural step...Jillian decided to move in with Ed in Chicago. Brilliant! “There were socks and underwear lying around the place,” Jillian said. Read here



But alas, it sounds like there might be trouble in paradise - Jillian goes to fashion week all by her lonesome! Duhn duhn duhn!!! Read here




So what do you guys think? Is she making a terrible mistake, or following her heart? Is this the most dramatic relationship ever in the history of mankind, or what?

The Bachelorette: Canaduh Decides

Close your mouth, princess.

Okay so here we go on the agonizing home stretch of this season's The Bachelorette. Last week we had the very uninspiring Men Tell Nothing special, where the rejects sat around on stage fighting with each other over who best represents Man Code. Uh, losers, you're all on this show trying to chase down a big nosed Canadian drunk. Congrats, none of you deserve to call yourselves men, so just let the code go. The highlights for me were clips of Ed so drunk he could barely stand and trying to say good night to Jillian, then farting on camera during a rose ceremony. Yes, he was truly worth all the hullaballoo of leaving "for his job" and then "changing his mind," Jillian. He's going to throw his poo at you next. You've been warned.

This week of course, Jillian is going to introduce the final two to her family and I bet I can predict what happens: her family will like them both for various reasons and not have any clue which one Jillian should pick.

"Whoooooooo do I love more?"

Let's start with Ed. Jillian starts right off reminding us that Ed really blew it in the Fantasy Suite. Still no solid details on what this means, but suffice it to say it's pure tackiness. Ed tries to reassure Jillian that despite his disaster in the bedroom, he really likes her a whole lot. Now off to meet the Canadians. Jillian's dad opens the door, sending her into a hysterical fit of screaming and leaping. Jillian's cousin Tori is also present, along with her mom and grandma. Great, the more people we can gather to have no helpful advice, the better. Her family references Jason a lot - you know, "after everything with Jason we are super cautious," etc. Ed tells his story of how the producers came up with this interesting storyline for him where he decides his career is more important than love, goes home, then decides love is more important than his career and comes back. Good boy, Ed. You did just what they told you to do. Let's move on.

"So now I'm just looking for work!"

Jillian's mom (sporting a fabulous muumuu) sits Ed down and fires questions at him. Do you want kids? Where will you be in 40 years? Ed gives standard answers which Peggy finds to be highly impressive (really?). Jillian tells Peggy that even though she and Ed have a long way to go, she's very excited at the prospect of a proposal. Well that sounds wise.

Jillian's dad Glen sits down with Ed next and Ed just gushes and gushes about how much he loves Jillian and wants to marry her. Any normal father would seriously call Ed's sanity into question at this point after having spent only a few days with his daughter, but Glen falls in line and tells Ed to go right ahead and take Jillian's hand in marriage. I know this is all old news and what we have come to expect from this franchise, but it is seriously so annoying to watch these people have these conversations as if they are legitimate. I guess we're supposed to get caught up in the fairy tale fantasy, but after this many failures, I am mostly just irritated and bored. This is not a serious suitor asking a man for his daughter's hand after much affectionate courting. This is an idiot on a TV show asking a stranger if he can propose to his stranger-daughter. And to see the dad playing right along - sure, whoever you are! Marry my daughter! I don't care one bit about her well being! It's just so stupid. Everyone hula dances in the yard, which convinces Ed that this is the family he wants to join. Awesome.

Krypton's turn! Jillian tells us how crazy she is a-boat Krypton, a phrase I'm getting really sick of. They sit down and make oat for a while - their gross-out specialty. Seriously, how can someone suck THAT badly at kissing?

Look away, it's hideous.

When they arrive at her family's quarters Jillian squeals all over a-gane, as if she didn't just leave these people a few hours ago. Jillian regales her family with tales of Krypton's heroism - you know how much he loves his family and how much time he spends with his children's charities. Krypton reminds us that after work he likes to wind down by surfing - fascinating. Peggy pulls out her question list again and Krypton gives answers as equally lame as Ed's. Nothing new or even mildly interesting. Peggy thinks Krypton's answers are also good - oh what is Jillian going to do? When Tori and Jillian ask the grandma what she thinks, she just says she's overwhelmed. She thinks Ed is hot and Krypton is nice. Thanks for your input, Grams.

Glen wants to know if Krypton is in love with Jillian and Krypton says he's "getting there" faster than he thought he would. He could see himself with Jillian. Definitely. To the camera Krypton says it's dawning on him that he's in love. He does not, however, ask for Glen's permission to marry Jillian. Well good. But what's not good is then we have to watch Krypton and Jillian kiss some more. Enough already. Jillian says that Krypton fits into her family beautifully. Clearly, Jillian after those two momentous hours.

Now it's time for the useless family pow-wow where Jillian fishes for advice, and no one has any to give. Wouldn't you know, each guy has different merits, and they will all support Jillian with whatever she chooses. I never would have guessed! The consensus is that Ed is very controlled and Krypton is very energetic. As to which of these is better for Jillian in the long run, no one can say. Glen tells Jillian that Ed asked permission to propose and Jillian almost leaps out of her skin. This is what she's in this to hear! She is so caught up in getting proposed to that she can barely see straight.

"I'm getting married!!! Wait, which one asked for permission?"

Jillian wants to confess to Tori that Ed's fantasy date "went wrong." Still no specifics, just that it wasn't what she expected. Tori's brilliant advice? The physical aspect of a relationship is a "big thing." Great, that was terribly illuminating.

The next day Ed gets his last ditch date. He tells us that he's still concerned about his bedroom malfunction and this time he wants to seal the deal. Classy. Jillian reminds us that their fantasy date wasn't what they had expected. Really Jillian? I had no idea. They go for a helicopter ride and look at a volcano. Who cares? It erupts and then our idiot couple goes for a little rainforest picnic. Ed tells Jillian that sometimes he has trouble expressing himself physically. Yes, that's what we continue to hear, Ed. He tells her how wonderful she is and Jillian just swims around jubilantly in the praise. Ed promises that he would never leave Jillian again. Jillian says she's crazy a-boat Ed. Out come Ed's green hot pants and they go for a swim and drape all over each other.

I hope she packed the long-sleeved white t-shirt.

Ed tells us he's worried about tonight after things "went wrong" last time. We see them making out on a bed and Ed tells Jillian once again that he wants to be with her, then we watch them writhing on the bed for a minute before cutting away to a shot of the volcano erupting again. Geez, could we get any tackier? I mean, seriously. Is there an intern somewhere with the assignment to make this just as white-trashy as humanly possible? WE GET IT. Last time they spent the night together Jillian wanted to have sex and they didn't. She's been fretting about it ever since because we hear about it at least once every five seconds. This time they had sex. Great. I'm so overjoyed that Ed overcame his erectile dysfunction and literally showed Jillian what he's made of. We can all rest easier with that ugly knowledge. Thank you Jillian, Ed, and ABC for not having the class to keep ANYTHING private. Next season do we actually get to witness the act? I mean, this is what we're coming to in order to keep this crap interesting.

Okay, Krypton's last ditch. I don't know how he'll top making Jillian's volcano erupt, but I'm sure he'll try. Jillian picks him up in a little motorized raft thing and they immediately get to kissing. Jillian tells us that she knows she and Krypton love each other, but until she gets word of an impending proposal, she's worried. She really needs to get over that. It's not like it's going to mean anything anyway. It's pretty clear that when it comes to Krypton, all Jillian is really interested in is making out because that's all we ever see them doing. They don't really have conversations or even participate in activities - they just kiss... badly. Next they ride around sitting on a surf board facing each other and while Krypton tries to row them around, Jillian wraps her legs around him and sucks his face. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is Krypton and Jillian's relationship in a nutshell.

"Don't you think I'm tons of fun, Krypton?"

Later in the hotel, Krypton plays his ace, which is to tell Jillian that he's thinking of marrying her and he's falling in love with her. Jillian stares up at Krypton all dreamily until he starts talking about his family and friends, at which point she looks quite bored.

"I'm thinking 2.5 to 3 carats..."

Krypton: "My family will be so excited."

Jillian: "Wait, can we get back to the ring?"

They go into the bedroom where I suppose everything goes just fine, like last time. Nothing to see here, certainly not a volcano erupting.

Holy smokes, we are only halfway through this and I am literally stopping myself from jumping out my third story apartment window out of sheer boredom. I am SO uninterested in any of this. Does this mean that I have been recapping this show for too long? Does it mean the show has been on for too long? Does it mean that I have ADHD? I don't know. All I know is I'm ready to cut someone. Jillian goes through a montage of her journey with each guy and we see many shots of her rubbing her crotch against them both. She sits on the beach and wonders what do to. She writes in her journal. She reads letters from each guy. I start crying from near insanity.

Krypton pays a visit to Neil Lane who is taking full advantage of product placement with his line of engagement rings.

Looks like enough carats, all told.

Remember on one of the first episodes when the guys had a scavenger hunt that involved Neil Lane? Yeah, he's back. Ed goes to him next and picks out a FUGLY ring to present to the love of his life.

No.

This guy needs serious help, or he needs to be relocated to the ape habitat at the nearest zoo.

We go on and on, watching everyone get dressed and yammer about what's about to happen. Jillian gets into an almost-wedding-dress (it's very pale pink instead of white) and each guy gets into a purple suit. They pile into their respective limos and drive over to meet their fate. This season's Proposal Platform is at the end of a wooden walkway that goes over a very beautiful blue pool of water just feet from the ocean. Pretty! Too bad we're ruining it with these buffoons. Jillian takes her place and frets about having to send the first guy away and then the doomed limo pulls up and out steps... Krypton. I'm too bored to be surprised. Plus I read somewhere the other day that Krypton has signed on to be the next Bachelor (heaven help us), so this is actually quite expected. Krypton gives the typical speech recapping the journey these two have gone on together and it all culminates in a lame declaration of his love. Jillian stands there looking distressed, then goes on to tell Krypton how he's everything she's ever dreamed of, but emotionally things have been moving slower and in the meantime she's fallen in love with somebody else. Slut.

"Would you mind if we made oat one last time?"

Krypton says that hurts but he wants her to be happy. They thank each other for everything and then off Krypton goes in his Ride of Shame. He pulls out his ring and tosses it onto the seat next to him. Back to Neil Lane that's going! He whines about how he thought that with Jillian the greatest of loves was possible. Oh cripes. Go change out of your purple suit and get yourself a life.

And now here's a totally surprising and unforeseen twist that NO ONE would have ever guessed was going to happen: instead of a limo a minivan pulls up and out steps REID. Yawn. Reid didn't show up at the Men Tell Nothing and he was in all of the previews for tonight, so there's not a person on planet earth who didn't know this was going to happen. Reid gives his scripted song and dance about having to pull a lot of strings to get back to Hawaii after Jillian sent him back to Philadelphia. No one's buying it. Reid's been in a holding tank - probably down the hall from Jillian - with strict instructions on what role he was to play in tonight's episode. Anyway, he marches over the wooden walkway and embraces Jillian for a year while she gets all emotional and bawls on his shoulder.

"I hope you brought a fat diamond."

He tells her that he had to come back because after he "went home" he realized that he needed to tell Jillian he loves her. And on top of that, he kneels down and pulls out a ring of his own! Wait, is it a Neil Lane ring? I guess we'll never know. Jillian is still mad that Reid wasn't able to promise to propose to her before she got rid of him, so now she needs to go inside to think about this and talk it over with her good buddy Chris Harrison. Don't be fooled if you think any of this happened quickly. It was like hanging out in a torture chamber in extra slow motion. Chris asks Jillian if she's excited for Ed to propose. Jillian says yes. Chris asks if she wants Ed to be her husband. Jillian says yes. Chris says she knows what she needs to do. So it's back out to Reid to tell him that while yes, they do have a connection, she's in love with Ed and she's going through with her previous plan. Thanks, but no thanks and get lost, Reid! Aw. Reid says he has no regrets about fulfilling his contractual obligations and "shaking things up" on the finale. Goodbye Reid.

As Jillian gets ready to receive her sure-thing proposal, she tells us that Ed better not f-ing disappoint her. Once again, the height of class. And here is the ape. He lumbers across the wooden walkway telling us that he and Jillian are stronger than they've ever been. What? They've dated for like a week total, so what, they're stronger than they were Monday? Great. Ed gives his speech and then says he can't go further until he knows that Jillian loves him back. Jillian says there is no doubt in her mind that she is madly in love with him. Ed gets down to one knee and Jillian wiggles all around squealing. So gross. Just last night she was having sex with Krypton. But since Ed is presenting her with a hideous pear shaped diamond as he has been promising to all along, he's the last one standing. Wearing her ring, she then wraps both legs around Ed - in her almost-wedding-dress - and tells him how much FUN they're going to have. Oh I'm sure of it. YET ANOTHER montage while the song plays that Martina McBride sang on Jillian's date with Jake. Really? There were no other love songs to choose from? They kiss and hug and Jillian squeals us oat.

"They're holding our suite at the zoo!"

But before we wash our hands of this for good, we must get through After the Final Rose. I'm going to do highlights just to ensure that I will survive the night.

We start off with a non-necessary interview with Melissa from last season, who tells us she's engaged and totally over Jason. That's great, but we already knew. Next!

"I really took a day off of work for this?"

Krypton says that he waited to tell Jillian how he felt until he was sure of it. Yes Krypton, that's why you lost. If you had just told her what she wanted to hear, whether you meant it or not, you could be planning your wedding.

Jillian has ridiculous hair extensions. No one's hair grows 12 inches in three weeks - nice try.

"Are you even sadder now that I have magic hair?"

Krypton asks what he could have done differently, but Jillian says he didn't do anything wrong. Jillian says that Krypton is a remarkable person and she hopes he's okay. I'm sure he's fine, Jillian. You're not THAT important. Krypton wishes Jillian well and he's out.

Reid comes out and says it sucked to be denied twice, but he knows what he signed. Chris asks if Reid wishes he had come out with his "feelings" sooner. Reid says that yeah he probably should have said it sooner. Chris asks if he wants to kick himself. Okay Chris.

Reid makes another show of telling us how hard it was to get the producers to let him back on the show. Still not buying it.

Chris asks if Reid still wishes he could go back and redo everything. Can we think of 10 more ways to ask the same question? Apparently yes because then Chris asks if Reid feels like a piece of his heart is missing.

Jillian comes back out and tells Reid she's happy but ready to have a conversation with Reid about what happened. Now, what does Reid want to know?

"Tell me how devastated you are to have lost me!"

Reid asks if Jillian was really confused when he proposed. Jillian says it was heart wrenching and if anyone thinks this is fake, they're wrong. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Does Reid have any more questions for her? He doesn't. Anything? No, not really. This is his big chance to ask, so ask. Still no. I think he's over it Jillian, sorry.

Jillian says she wishes she could have called Reid to see how he was dealing with the grand loss of her glorious self. Reid doesn't say anything. Jillian cries. Reid doesn't.

Some girl in the audience with a baby voice stands up and asks Reid if he'd like to go out with her. Jillian doesn't like this at all.

We have to watch another Ed montage and then he comes out and sits on the couch with Jillian to tell America how happy they are.

"I'm moving to Chicago to help Ed read the want ads."

Chris asks if the couple is planning to get married. Um, hello? Didn't we just watch 12 hours of them getting engaged? I don't get the disconnect on this show between proposing marriage and getting married. Is "getting engaged" just code for starting a relationship? Is it just an excuse for Neil Lane product placement? Easy on the h-word. Anyway, their answer isn't important (and it's that yes, they're getting married) because we all know that a breakup is only a matter of time. Jillian says they're just going to have fun with this. Shocking.

As to their bedroom problems, Jillian says the only problem is that now they can't get enough in the bedroom. Okay I'm drawling the line. We're done.

And that does it for another grating season of The Bachelorette! Did you guys make it through the final hours? How are you holding up? What do you think????

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

The Bachelorette: Redefining ED

"Who's going to be the best in the sack?"

Guess what. Spain just wasn't enough. A European vacation wasn't about to cut it and so TONIGHT The Bachelorette is going on her "dates of a lifetime" in Maui. It's pretty much going to be a rerun of last week, just with different scenery and no Wes. And one overnight date "goes terribly wrong," meaning of course, nothing.

We join Jillian wandering around on the beach in a pre-teen bikini telling us all about these three guys who are the most special to her. She's waited SO LONG for all of this to happen - two months to be exact. But now that it's gotten this far, she's not sure how to make her final decision. And to prove it, she sits down in the sand, draws a heart with her finger, then inside the heart writes "J + ?" OH BROTHER! We get it! This is such crap. Next!

The first date is Krypton so get ready to be bored. They meet on a bridge and passionately embrace. Krypton says this is getting very "real" for him. Catch up, Krypton! It got real for everyone else weeks ago. Jillian puts him in a golf cart and drives him over to a ropes course. You see, this is going to help them build trust with one another so that they can be effective parents together. It will also prove to Jillian that Krypton will be there for her when the going gets tough. They harness up and start going through the course exercises. Jillian whimpers and worries, which - I'll be honest - is exactly what I would be doing, and Krypton is able to be the tough hero. Wow, I can really tell he's going to be a great dad someday. There's this one part called the leap of faith where they climb up on top of these poles and then have to jump off and grab on to a trapeze. THIS I could not do. Which I guess is the point - no one thinks they can do it and then you build confidence by doing it. Anyhoo, Krypton leaps forward and grabs the trapeze and Jillian more like steps off the pole and goes straight down.

Love is just a leap of faith, Jillian!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yes, that's probably what I would do, but it was still funny. As you can imagine, this is the perfect opportunity for Jillian to have herself a squeal fest.

After Krypton's leap of faith and Jillian's step of shame, Krypton feeds her some strawberries and they marvel over all the traveling they've done this season. Later that night, Jillian whines a whole bunch more a-boat how insecure she is around Krypton. You see, he's always been the dumper in his relationships - never the dumpee, so Jillian is almost positive that if she chooses Krypton, she'll get dumped. Welcome to fifth grade, people. Actually, she might get dumped tonight because she comes out to meet Krypton for dinner wearing a black unitard. I'm serious, this looks like a black tank top and black trousers, except it's all one piece. It's a giant singlet. They sit down to dinner and Krypton tells us that Jillian is the type of woman he could spend his life with... I'm dozing off. Basically Krypton says he's never had a relationship he's been fully committed to and Jillian gets drunk.

"Hey Krypton, what does this say? I'm seeing two envelopes..."

Fantasy Card Second Try! And wouldn't you know it, THIS week, Jillian is ready to commit herself body and soul to Krypton. Those few more days of making oat with other guys have given Jillian the assurance she needs to sleep with Krypton tonight. Ew! Krypton is a terrible kisser. He kisses her with his mouth hanging open and his tongue sticking out. It looks so gross and unsexy. Luckily Jillian is wasted and doesn't notice so they head for the fantasy suite. It's the usual crap - rose petals, candles, a giant bed. The end.

Reid is next and Jillian greets him with a beach ball and wearing some little gray and yellow tank dress. Jillian tells us that her main concern is that she needs Reid to communicate with her. Translation: Reid needs to solemnly swear to propose to me at the end of this. They have a highly original helicopter ride to take in all of the Maui scenery. Reid compares the flight to being in heaven. Tell it to Jillian, Reid, she's begging you. The helicopter pilot takes a moment to plug his business by telling Reid and Jillian that he is the only ordained minister/helicopter pilot in the state and that getting married right here in this helicopter would be awesome. Easy on the h-word, there, captain. Reid keeps assuring us that he's not the type to rush into a marriage. Jillian tells us that she can easily picture Reid standing at the altar at their wedding waiting for her to walk down the aisle. I don't think the question is whether he'll look good in a tux, Jillian, but nice sentiment. They sit down to a little picnic and the hounding commences.

"Does this chick EVER shut up?"

Jillian wants to know what Reid is afraid of, when Reid wants to get married, how much Reid likes her, how he wants her to wear her hair for the wedding. Reid says this is really hard for him because he feels rushed. Jillian's like, "What do you mean? You're not feeling it?" Reid says he's feeling it, but it's on warp speed. Jillian's like, "You just have to tell me. You just have to tell me." More, more, more! Man, she's needy.

Later at dinner, Jillian is really annoyed that Reid just can't seem to tell her how he feels. See, I disagree. I think he's been pretty clear in saying that he likes her a lot, but that he's not comfortable feeling so rushed. I guess to Jillian, only a proposal counts as communication. When Jillian finally demands an answer to the proposal question, Reid says, "Maybe." See Reid, that's not communicating. Jillian says she's not getting the answers she needs and out comes the Fantasy Card. This time of course, Jillian says yes and Reid promises that he will make another attempt to answer her questions correctly. When they sit down on the candlelit couch, Reid tells Jillian he has serious feelings for her, and this could be the l-word - down the road. The next shot we get is this:

Good enough! Off with your clothes!

And then we cut to the two of them sitting in a bubble bath making out and drinking wine. That's quite enough.

Ew, here comes Ed. Ed has major problems, the first of which being that he is ABC's bitch and is doing whatever they ask him to do. This could very well mean that he is being groomed to be the next Bachelor and if that happens then heaven help us all. He's dull enough, so it just might. Jillian mounts him as soon as she sees him and then they embark on that Bachelor/ette staple second only to the helicopter - the catamaran. Jillian mostly just wants to ride with her legs wrapped around Ed while she sucks on his ear. Eventually they talk and Ed says he hasn't thought about work at all. Well this is a 180! After work weighed on his mind SO MUCH that he had to give up Jillian and run back to it suddenly he hasn't thought about it once? Well, in the interest of catching up Jillian wants to know something a-boat Ed's family and he says that they all call him Richie. Oh my gosh, this guy's a douche. He gets into his swimsuit which is these tiny green shorts from the 1970s. I know he thinks he's being quirky and funny and I might agree if he had one shred of personality, but as it is, he just looks like a bigger idiot by the second. It's all so forced. They jump off of the boat into the water and Jillian straight up tells us that she can't wait to wrap her legs around him. My gosh, just skip to the suite and get it over with. But before we can do that Ed tells Jillian that he feels bad once again for missing the hometown dates and as such, he has flown his parents to Maui to meet her. Oh right, I'm sure Ed dug deep into his unemployed pockets to fly his parents to Hawaii. Puh-lease. They must have an ugly house in Chicago. But either way, Ed's parents are here, which means we're going to have to meet them - if Jillian can unwrap her legs long enough.

Here he is ladies, the man of your dreams.

Ed wears his hot pants over to talk to his parents and Jillian bounces around squealing. Isn't she fun? Ed's parents are hanging out in Hawaiian shirts wondering what the crap is going on. Immediately Jillian begins chattering and doesn't stop for breath for the next five minutes. "You have no idea what your son has been putting me through. He is exactly what I'm looking for. He is tall, dark and handsome. I love his eyes. He's so smart. I love that he loves his job. He has a great family and I know all about Christmas at your house." Okay, shut up. Annoying much? The mom takes Jillian outside for a private chat. It's your funeral, mom. The mom says she didn't think this was the type of thing that Ed would do. Jillian says she didn't like it when Ed went home. What an illuminating conversation. Inside Ed's dad goes, "What in the HELL are we doing here? What is going on?" My sentiments exactly, Ed's dad. Welcome to hell. Ed says something about salvaging his job (yeah right), and he's really liking this girl, they're really getting along. Also he'll propose if she picks him. That sounds so stupid to me. He's already planning to propose to someone who may or may not want to marry him because she may or may not want to marry someone else. Ed seems very confused to me. I wouldn't count on him for one second because he seems like he's blown around with the wind. Ed's dad comes out to replace his wife in talking to Jillian. He tells her he wants to know a lot about her, so Jillian launches into another speech which basically leads to her declaring that she and Ed are in the same place in their lives and then the dad starts crying and says he just wants them to be happy. Okay he's drunk. He thinks Jillian is a "really nice person." This is so ridiculous. And apparently this little interlude has cleared up all of the questions Jillian ever had a-boat Ed and she's ready to get naked! I guess meeting Ed's parents replaced dinner so they just stroll over to the beach and out comes the Fantasy Card. What do you think they decide? As they scamper off to their room Jillian tells us that she's proud of Ed. Proud of him? For what? What has this guy done to make himself a hero?

I interrupt this recap to bring you a very serious warning. What is about to happen is in very poor taste and could cause vomiting. If you value your sanity at all, do not read on. Or read on and be very grateful that you didn't have to see this crap on the screen. I promise, it's gross. Okay, you've been warned.

"Ugh, why did I watch that?"

First of all, Jillian can't stop telling us how sexy Ed is. I just don't see it. I think he's bordering on retarded - mentally and looks-wise. He has these bulging glazed-over eyes and he lumbers around in short shorts muttering half-sentences. Ape-like. They get to their room with the candles and the rose petals and Ed makes his retard speech. He wants someone to come home to so that he's not checking his email until midnight. He wants Jillian to be there so that he'll stop working. Oh that is so romantic! He's absolutely falling in love with Jillian and he's never felt this way. Jillian is beaming and eating this right up. She is so easily convinced. He carries her into the bedroom and instead of cutting away we have to sit here and watch as Jillian heads for the bathroom and emerges wearing someone's idea of a hot nightie. It's a white long sleeved t-shirt thing with a really low v-neck so you can tell she's not wearing a bra. Seriously? On camera people?

"Look everyone! I put on my special FUN oatfit!"

She takes off Ed's shirt and they start rubbing oil all over each other. This is just insulting. We get an exterior shot of the hotel and see their light go off... then come back on. Jillian starts telling us that the fantasy date went wrong. They were both sunburned and exhausted, but the physical chemistry wasn't happening. Ed says he was nervous and couldn't show Jillian that he really loves her.

I think she's trying to revive him.

That's all we get and that's the end of that. Wow, that was earth shattering. I'm far more annoyed at what they DID show us than at what DIDN'T happen. Who cares? So we get new meaning to the term E.D., big deal. It was probably the long sleeved t-shirt. Or the fact that ED is retarded.

The next day Jillian shows up to go over everything with Chris Harrison. Thank you, but no. And now here's something I haven't seen in quite some time: each of the guys has recorded a video message for Jillian. Oh wow, I bet these will all be really interesting and original! Let's see what they have to say. Krypton recaps their travelogue , then says it feels like the beginning of a relationship and he can see himself falling in love with her. If she'd like to pursue him she should and they can light the world on fire. Calm down, there Krypton. Don't give yourself a stroke.

"I promise to wait at least until After the Final Rose to dump you."

Next is Reid and he talks about how much he loved spending the night with Jillian because it gave him insight into his feelings for her. He talks about having a hard time answering all of her questions and that his feelings have grown so quickly that it frightens him. He ends with saying he hopes she keeps her honey bear around longer so they can see where this is headed. Honey bear? Oh boy.

Honey Bear still ain't buying no ring.

Ed is last and he says that Jillian has made him change his perspective on life. We see Jillian reacting to this and clearly believing that she has, in fact, changed Ed's perspective on life. Dream on, Jillian. He wants to take their relationship to the next level and he'd love an opportunity to spend the rest of his life with her and propose to her. He loves her. BS! That seems so fake to me. The whole thing. It's like he had a teleprompter. Of course, Jillian is already wondering if she can change back into the long sleeved white t-shirt and have another half hour alone with ED.

"Oo, oo, aah, aah."

While we all watched the videos the guys were arriving for the Rose Ceremony. Ed showed up wearing an extremely ill-thought-out pastel blue Easter suit. He is a huge mess.

Who wants to hunt for Easter eggs?

Jillian comes out all flustered to thank everyone for sleeping with her, but before she can proceed she needs a moment alone with Erectile Dysfunction. She tells him she knows there's been a lot of pressure, but she's worried about what will happen if they just don't have any physical chemistry. Ed says he's had a hard time adjusting, but he needs Jillian to just trust him and not worry about anything. He's crazy about her and she shouldn't have any doubts about that. Good enough for Jillian and it's time for the roses!

She stands there for what feels like a week between every sentence that she utters. They are QUITE determined that each episode goes for two full hours and not a minute less! Krypton gets the first rose, and gentlemen, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready. And that warning came from me, not Chris Harrison, who is severely slacking in his duties. Anyway, I had time to heat up a frozen pizza in the oven before Jillian finally said, "Ed." And that's the end of the Rose Ceremony.

Reid bids the other guys a fond farewell and then walks over to a bench to find out how Jillian could possibly do this to him. Jillian says that Reid is everything she's been looking for. He can be her best friend and make her laugh, but she worries that they are in different places because he hasn't gone out and purchased a ring yet. Reid's like, "Duh, I should have opened up more and given you the signs you needed." In his Ride of Shame Reid laments and laments that he should have told Jillian what she wanted to hear when he had the chance. He just let the perfect girl slip through his fingers. Your loss, Reid. You deal with it.

"How could she deny the Honey Bear?"

As Jillian sobs on the bench, ED walks over to comfort her. He really is a hero!

We're finally coming down to the end! The finale will apparently take place on the big island of Hawaii. But next week is the Men Tell Nothing, which I definitely will NOT be recapping for the sake of my own well-being. But be sure to tune in if you are at all interested in seeing how Jason and Molly are doing and what size shoes Baby Trista is wearing this week.

I'll see you all for the finale!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

The Bachelorette: ¡Soy grande en Chihuahua, Spain!

"From what I understand Spain is just Mexico-East."

This week Jillian stops squealing long enough to take us on an extended look at each of the remaining guys' journey to the Final Four. First, though, she tells us all a-boat how she thought at this point there would be one guy she really liked and then three other ones she didn't really care for. Well, surprise, surprise, The Bachelorette thinks she's falling in love with four guys at once! And even if she didn't think that, you'd better believe she'd tell us that's what's happening or else it just wouldn't be a reincarnation of every single previous season. This is what they have to say at this point. Probably later she'll be singing a different tune, but tonight, this is Jillian's story and she's sticking to it. The only interesting thing here is that she's telling us all of this from Madrid, Spain.

Now if anyone has been paying any sort of attention over the last few weeks, then they should already know everything in this opening montage of each guy's journey, so I'm skipping it. Feel free to skim back over Bachelorette archives if you have any questions.

What we have going on this week is what I like to call The Superfluous Episode. As if they aren't all superfluous. This is NOT QUITE the exotic dates yet, but we're one past the hometown dates, so we're going to spend an episode in Spain wasting some time. Why the filler, ABC? Why? Oh well, we might as well get through this and try to remain sane. First up is Krypton, with whom Jillian is enamored. Jillian worries, worries, worries that Krypton is way out of her league and that he doesn't like her as much as she likes him. Good grief, Jillian, insecure much? I mean, he came on TV to woo you, didn't he? Don't turn it around and chase HIM down. Have a little dignity. By the way, with Jillian's little oat-fits picked for the hot Spanish sun, I'm noticing that she is frighteningly tiny. I mean, I've noticed before that she's petite, but seriously - this girl looks like a tween in her tight little clothes. Okay, so here is Krypton and he tells us he thinks he might be able to fall in love with Jillian. That sounds promising. They stroll around Madrid together marveling at the culture and beauty. Hmm, a little different than old Canada, eh Jillian? She tells Krypton that his hometown date was awesome, his mom was hilarious (or rude, as I would call it) and that the caution tape was just brilliant. Obviously Jillian would make a perfect Kryptonite. Krypton tells her that he and his sister discussed the progress of his Bachelorette relationship and while things are going well, he feels that at this point a proposal is far off. Jillian's face falls.

"What a waste of Spain, you creep."

As they discuss, Jillian says she's definitely looking for an engagement, and while some of this has to be a leap of faith, there is still PLENTY of time for her and Krypton to spend together to see if they should get married. Like that one day you'll spend together in Hawaii? Right, that should solve everything.

They head into a dance studio to watch some flamenco dancers and then to take a lesson of their own. But of course, before we start anything, Jillian needs a hearty helping of sangria. I think this is supposed to be an erotic exercise because of the gazing and twisting, but honestly it's pretty awkward with Jillian's leotard and Krypton's skin tight matador outfit and both of them trying hard not to look like total losers. Jillian tells us how much fun she's having (that's her forte!), but neither of them can dance for crap.

"Why isn't anyone clapping?"

Later on Krypton and Jillian reunite for dinner and more pre-marital conversation. To me Jillian's outfit this evening looks like a miniature Snow White costume.

"All I'm missing is a fat diamond. Easy on the h-word."

She tells us that she wouldn't want someone to propose to her if he felt it was too soon, but I think we all know that the subtext here is that it better NOT be too soon, and that's what tonight's dinner will ensure with all of its vital topics. In typical Euro style they take a moped to the restaurant and as soon as they sit down Jillian says, "So what do you think so far?" What do you mean, Jillian - has he decided yet to propose? Discussing Krypton's tight pants leads to talking about having children. Jillian says that when she was eight years old she used to babysit the whole neighborhood so she's always loved kids. Eight years old? Does Canada have Child Protective Services? Cause that sounds like gross neglect on the part of the parents in Jillian's neighborhood. They eat some snails, drink some wine, talk about how Krypton is too much of a softie and that Jillian needs someone to stand up to her. Is that offer open to anyone, Jillian? And now guess what comes along. It's a freaking Fantasy Suite Card. Okay, so they're doing that this episode? You know they're going to do it next week too, right? Krypton reads the card and is like, "What the heck? Let's go." BUT! Jillian has chosen tonight's episode to refute her tramp charges and she says she's not quite ready to spend the night with someone yet. They decide instead to go to Jillian's room and cuddle, and frankly, Krypton doesn't seem too broken up about it. They both wax on and on about how they could potentially fall in love and it's very uninteresting.

Reid is up next and Jillian has traveled to Sevilla to meet him. This time she's sporting a black tank top and black hot pants that most likely came off of a juniors rack somewhere. When Reid appears she squeals, jumps into his arms and starts kissing him. Reid talks in Idiot Spanish saying that Jillian looks "mo-ee bon-ee-ta" and they head off to go shopping. They stumble into a little shop and proceed to BUTCHER the local language trying to order bread and cheese.

"It's hilarious to make fools of ourselves in Europe AND on TV."

Reid does actually manage to say "con queso" and "chorizo" (isn't that Mexican?) while Jillian giggles that if the two of them lived in Spain they would be totally skinny because they wouldn't be able to order any food. Oh ha, ha, ha, Jillian. That's the funniest thing I've heard in a while. When the poor little shopkeeper asks them if they speak Spanish (Obviously not, hombre) Reid says, "Soy grande," which sounds to me like he's ordering at Starbucks. What it actually means is "I'm big," and what he's trying to say is "I'm good." Can they please leave and stop embarrassing English speakers the world over? Mercifully they do.

As they stroll around with their groceries Jillian says it feels like Reid is her boyfriend. Isn't that fun? They have to rehash Reid's hometown and they both agree that it went really well (naturally). Reid wants to know if there was anything exciting on the other hometowns and all Jillian will tell him is that unfortunately there were no crazy families. It's unfortunate because it doesn't make her decision easy, you see. She could easily fit seamlessly in to any of the families she met and that is a real bummer. Reid stumbles around verbally for a while - his attempt at making a declaration of affection. He talks about how long it usually takes him to make progress in a relationship and about how attractive Jillian is. Jillian giggles and wants to kiss. She wants this evening to get a little more serious so that she can tell if Reid is going to make with a diamond or not.

When they meet up later Reid tells us that he's maybe, possibly falling in love. He says that sometimes he doesn't even realize he's falling in love and he needs a little push to make it clear. Wow. As they sit down to eat, Jillian tells Reid that while she liked his speech earlier, it was way to generalized and she needs him to get much more specific and spell out in detail every little reason he has for liking her. Way to indulge, Jillian. Reid tells her that things are going well, he likes her a lot, but he doesn't usually move this fast. Basically he likes how things are going, but he's not about to get down on one knee or anything. Hmm, how very normal of him. One thing that's kind of endearing about Reid is that he teases Jillian a lot, which is much more interesting than Krypton, who is just a deer in headlights most of the time. Ah! Here is the Fantasy Card.

"Is this my name in Spanish?"

Reid reads and he says it's Jillian's decision whether to spend the night together or not. Jillian gives her speech again about not wanting to get her emotions confused and needing to hold off one more week before jumping into the sack with everyone. Reid's like, "That sounds fine." Then he starts worrying about the fact that Jillian is also going to be making out with a bunch of other guys. Jillian's like, "What do you mean? Why does that bother you? Tell me more about that!" Geez, she's really hungry to hear about just how much she is adored. Why do you think it bothers him, Jillian? Were you thrilled to think a-boat Jason sleeping with everyone else besides you? No you were not. Reid piggy backs Jillian back to wherever she's going and he tries to tell us in Spanish that she has his heart. That's enough Spanish for you, Reid.

No mas, por favor.

The next morning Jillian - still in Sevilla - strolls through some sort of arboretum contemplating how stressful it has been to hang out with Ed, what with his leaving and coming back and all. Ed has a lot of catching up to do. And to prove it, Jillian dives right into his arms squealing and telling him how much she's missed him. Her shorts are all wet, by the way, which could mean any number of gross things.

Isn't it a little early on for a golden shower?

Ed goes on for a while about how much he missed her when he went home and kept wondering what on earth he had done. Only what the producers made you do, Ed. They take a carriage ride and he continues babbling about how he really feels like he needs to get to know her better.

Spanish Amish

Jillian wants details on just how much Ed likes her and why. He just replays the events of leaving and coming back over and over. Then they make oat in the carriage. Soon though, Jillian needs to stop for an alcoholic beverage and remind Ed how much catching up he has to do. She wants Ed to tell her exactly how everything would have gone if he had gotten a hometown date. He mentions something about karaoke and then Jillian loses all interest and just wants to make oat all over Sevilla. They kiss in the street, they kiss on a corner, they kiss on some stairs, they freaking climb into a fountain and kiss.

Is there something about Jillian and water?

Jillian is one horny chick. I mean, she is really going at it with every single one of these idiots. I know she thinks it proves that she's spontaneous, fun, and here for the right reasons, but it's gotten really old watching everyone suck her face off. She tells us she's just catching up for all the time Ed missed. Whatever.

Now it's time for the serious-evening-portion of this date. Jillian tells us that since Ed left, she hasn't had a chance to come up with concerns and questions for him, so he needs to catch up. Gee Jillian, do you think Ed has some catching up to do or what? My gosh pull your face out of his mouth and talk to him instead of continuing to tell us he missed a lot. Ed suggests that Jillian comes to Chicago to live with him and evolve as a couple, which delights Jillian. You know, he missed having that conversation with her when he went home. Okay, here's what. Even though they are finally having an actual conversation, Ed is looking everywhere EXCEPT at Jillian. He looks at the table, he looks at the floor, he looks outside, he looks at his shoes, yammer, yammer. Of course, Jillian's eyes are glued right to his mouth. He is just wonderful and he even wants to have kids! And here comes the Fantasy Card. Ed makes Jillian read it, he says he'd love to spend the night with her, and then he makes this face:

"This better be worth that 'leave-and-return' bonus from ABC."

Jillian gives the "confused emotions" speech again, adding on that it's extra hard with Ed since he went home and came back again. She doesn't think she's ready for what the card represents. Ed counters that it could represent any great number of things, including time together to... catch up! Magic words, there Ed. If there's anything Jillian wants to do, it's catch up. He missed a lot when he went home. They head to the Fantasy Suite to "catch up" and Jillian says she feels like a queen. They cuddle on the bed and I don't really get how this is different than Krypton's date except that they're in a bigger hotel room. Jillian declares that they will sleep in their clothes (at least until filming stops) and she gulps down some champagne, dives back into Ed's face, Ed goes, "You're my favorite part about Spain," BARF, and we're done!

Well hello, Wes. We've traveled all the way to Barcelona to hear Wes tell us that because he had a song that was number one in Chihuahua, Mexico, he is very at home living among Spanish people. Oh. My. Gosh. Does Wes think we're in Mexico? Does he think that Spain is just south of the United States border? Does he realize the gargantuan difference between a European nation and Mexico? Has he brought along some pesos to buy souvenirs? This guy is SUCH a moron that I'm mad we have to spend the next ten minutes listening to anything that comes out of his mouth! But too bad for me, Wes is ready to "localize" with the people so let's get this over with. Jillian's in another set of tween hot pants, by the way. Jillian reminds us what a martyr she is by trying to put aside the drama of Wes's hometown date. They go for a bike ride then stop for a little Spanish picnic and of course, some alcohol. Wes awkwardly gives a speech telling Jillian that he likes her a lot and she's perfect, but as Jillian points out, Wes is sitting far away from her, not giving her the opportunity to climb into his lap as she likes to. When Jillian suggests Wes might possibly move to Vancouver he says that's crazy. She asks what they would do if in the end she chooses him. How would it work. Wes's response? "That bird has no foot." Then he spills his beer. Good thinking, Wes! You got out of that one. Now, my question is: Did Wes actually see a deformed bird, or is this some sort of Texan metaphor that only people who are comfortable localizing with the Spanish in Mexico understand? Either way, this conversation is doomed.

"Have you seen any of my fans around? They call me The Rooster."

At our final serious dinner Wes shows up in battered jeans and a bandana shirt. Jillian says they still have some things to talk a-boat, and Wes agrees, saying they need to "clear the table." That's clear the AIR, Wes. He is the worst person with metaphors I've ever seen. Anyway, he clears his throat about a thousand times and reminds Jillian that first he doesn't have a girlfriend, and second he's not just here for his career, even though his manager told him that he needed to come on the show. That's pretty weak. He thinks that the fact that he's still around is proof enough that he has no ulterior motives. Jillian calls him out on not showing any affection all day. She was ready for a LOT more kissing, dang it! Wes plays insecure and worries about what's going on with the other guys. Jillian wants to know the truth! Wes says that he's not here to hurt her, but he's going to be true to himself because most important here is numero uno. Oh, brilliant thing to say on a dating show, Wes. Brilliant.

The finger and the drowziness pretty much sum up Wes's enthusiasm.

Next comes the Laurel Inquisition. Wes was with her for six years. Huh? When did she have time to date Brad Womack and some guy from Jen's season? She must be busier than Jillian! As he goes on about Laurel he says, "girlfriend" instead of "ex-girlfriend" and that is where the producers draw the line and cut the audio. Okay, I guess that's all we're getting. Sweet - here is the Fantasy Card. Jillian is almost in tears while Wes reads the card and then he looks at Jillian and says, "I think we should, actually." Jillian's over it and tells him she doesn't think so. She tells US that she thinks he's hiding something and she feels sore-y for him if he is just here for his career.

It's time for the roses! Jillian is dressed as a black swan.

Trying to break out of "ugly duckling" mode.

Did you know that she is here to find the person she is going to spend the rest of her life with? Wes is already in his airplane clothes. As he stands around with the other guys who are dressed in suits, we hear him say that if he goes home, the other guys should know he's having lots of sex. We don't actually SEE him say this, so who knows where it really came from? She gives a huge thank you speech and then here are the roses, as if there were any question: Ed, Reid, and gentlemen, Jillian...WAIT! There is no Chris Harrison to tell us that this is the final rose tonight! I feel very lost and abandoned.

Oh good, Wes steps in and gives us a hint.

Alas, Krypton gets the final rose and Jillian offers to show Wes to his Ride of Shame. He's more interested in saying goodbye to the other guys, but Jillian is determined to say that she needed to come to this decision on her own. Wes hugs her happily and hops into the limo to get sloshed. He brags that he is the first guy ever on The Bachelorette to make it to the top four with a girlfriend. He also takes a minute to remind us that he has a CD coming out and now he's excited to hit the town and party in Spain. His driver circles long enough for Wes to start slurring and getting really sloppy and then finally we cut back to Jillian and her final three.

Next week it's off to Hawaii and Jillian will have another round of Fantasy Cards with which to make moral stands. I'm not really excited since it will just be a repeat of this week except minus the Wes drama. It even looks like Ed is still catching up.

Well there we have it. Wes is finally gone and we are no closer to crowning Jillian with an engagement ring that will never lead to the h-word. What are you guys thinking?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta