How Precious

Okay, I'm having a lot of irritation with Brit. I really don't understand what exactly she thought being a model meant. She whines about something every time she goes on a casting. And when she's on her photo shoots, she wants to do weird things like wear a bra under a swimsuit. If she ever does a lingerie shoot, she'll probably request a t-shirt to wear under the bra. She cried to her mom on the phone that in one photo shoot it looked like she was topless. Looked like she was topless. So she wasn’t topless? Obviously her boobs didn’t show because we know that she would burst into flames if those things ever saw daylight. So what – she showed her bare back? Is that what all the tears were about? Honestly I really don’t know what she thought she’d be doing when she moved into the model apartment to work for a modeling agency. Taking dictation? Has she never seen a fashion magazine? Seriously.

Strangely, on the last episode, Brit related a story where she had to do a shoot where she and a guy were pretending to be in bed together. So… she made it through that ordeal? That sounds like something she would have fallen apart over. Turns out it was okay because they didn’t have to kiss. As long as they didn’t have to kiss it’s okay. What about what her dad will think? Like she was worried about what he would think when her back showed, you know? She must have been in fluffy flannel winter jammies for the bed scene or else I don’t know how she survived. So then she was traumatized that she had to pretend to like Teddy in a photo shoot and she actually went to the bookers and asked them to request that there be no kissing! WHAT? This is a brand new, no-name little newby and she’s making demands like this? I don’t get why the bookers even entertain such requests. It’s so unprofessional. I’m not saying she has to do everything that is asked of her – especially if it gets weird or really starts crossing lines, but who in the world is she to go in there and – before she’s even been hired, mind you – request that there be no kissing in the photo shoot!? If I were hiring models and heard a request like that, I would pass that model over just for being high maintenance from the get-go. Un-proven models don’t get to make demands, do they? I mean, do they? I don’t think that the modeling world is going to be patient with her wide-eyed, teary innocent act for much longer. Yes, you have to change your clothes sometimes if you want to be a model. No, you don’t get to pick what you wear or who you work with or your eye shadow or the backdrop. You show up a DO WHAT THEY WANT. That’s it.

My next worry about this show is that Teddy seems to be the most articulate cast member. This is HIGHLY alarming. The rest of them always seem to be beating around the bush and talking around the issue and never really saying anything. There’s a lot of “you know,” and “I don’t know,” and “we’ll just see.” Most of the time I can sum up what needs to be said in about 10 seconds, but we still have to sit through 3 minutes of stammering with no resolution. Case in point: Brit’s convo with Teddy on this last episode. First of all, she comes by – obviously as instructed by someone because she would never had voluntarily come by after the HORROR of pretending to like each other at the casting. Teddy was obviously expecting her because he quickly jumped off the phone when she arrived – not something a guy does if he didn’t request the meeting. Then he started asking her why it was weird at the casting.

Brit: I don’t know, it’s like… didn’t you think it was weird?

Teddy: Yeah it was kind of weird. Did you know I’m not with Heide anymore? (Okay, there could be an entire BLOG about the hilarity of that comment).

Brit: Um, oh. No. I didn’t know. I don’t know.

Teddy: Yeah. I’m still looking for that sweet girl. (Huh?)

Brit: (silence, looks at the sky) Um…

Teddy: So if everything hadn’t happened like it did, would we have had a connection?

Brit: Um, uh. I don’t know. (looks at the sky)

Wow. She is a fountain of information isn’t she? Can someone please get her snowsuit to wear under that bikini?

I’ve spent so much time hating on Brit that I didn’t even get to the twin situation which is clearly insane. Kelly said that Sabrina looked CUTE (and sad) when she found out that Kelly got the Dillard’s campaign instead of her. Can you imagine if it had been reversed? That’s another point I’m always wanting to scream at the TV while Sabrina is stammering around not saying anything. Reverse the situation, evil witch, and think how you would react. Um yeah. Wait, what? Um, it’s like, I don’t know…

Diabolical!!

8^th & Ocean is definitely getting good! Kelly is so evil and diabolical…but let’s start with the usual cast of delinquents – Vinci…ah, what can you say about this guy, except, he’s not THAT good looking. He really has a problem with being an adult. And also, an unnecessary ego problem. Irene Marie looked especially freaky in the beginning of the episode…I was tempted to freeze the picture and try to figure out what it is that makes her so damn freaky, or to see if I can see scalpel marks on her face, but with my insomnia issues, I decided against it. Then it was quick catch-ups with the shallow end of the world: Brit, Teddy, and company. I can't wait for the "special episode" when someone gets strung out on heroin or is caught sticking chop sticks down her throat to vomit.

So last night, the agency calls Kelly and tells her about an incredible opportunity for a casting, and they let her know to “let Sabrina know!” Kelly is standing right next to Sabrina at this time, like elbows touching, and she says – “ok, no prob.” Hangs up the cell, and doesn’t say a word to her. Ohhhhhhh….this is going to get good.

Of course, Kelly shows up to the casting, and the ‘agents’ are freaking out – “Where’s Sabrina?” And you can tell they’re freaking out by the way of the quick jerks of their phone wired heads, like a heard of chickens at the sound of dinner bells. Kelly has no explanation except to play dumb and say “I don’t know” like a hundred times and making a face like –“not only do I not know, but why SHOULD I know?” Ummm, cause you’re a diabolical evil twin.

Sabrina gets a call – “I didn’t know,” etc, etc, cut to the end of the show when Sabrina confronts Kelly. Kelly has the nerve, THE NERVE to get pissed at Sabrina, because she’s not her mother and she’s not her agent and it’s not her responsibility to tell her everything she needs to know. Then she has the diabolical NERVE to say – “It’s not like I didn’t tell you on purpose.” WHAT? Yes, it is. And it’s on TAPE – ha ha ha ha ha ha. So evil. I really, REALLY don’t like Kelly. She’s just so…diabolical.

Teddy for Mensa Candidate

Ok, this show has lost it's sadness factor and has now ventured into hilarity!!! Did you see last night's show? Let's start with Teddy's catch phrase: I like Heidi more than any other girl that I know now. I'm surprised he didn't also add: I like Heidi more than any other girl who wears yellow on Tuesdays and eats steaks three times a week that I know now..no now, now, now...no, now, NOW. What? Ok Teddy, I get it, of all the girls in the room RIGHT NOW, she's the best. Very special.

I also liked how they recapped Brit's speech to Teddy - I don't want to be just another girl. Well, she's right, that's all she would be.

The show turned extremely freaky at one point during the model dinner (uh, what was that for?) when Irene was laughing with her mouth agape and her plastic surgery face being stretched to the limit...ewwww.

And now we come to the best part of the ENTIRE episode last night!! No, it wasn't the part where Heidi DELIBERATELY and GRATUITOUSLY went and grinded up against every guy in sight. No, it wasn't the part where Teddy justified her actions by saying that she's still going home with him. No, no. The best part was the interaction between Teddy and Brit at the casting.

Teddy: Staring at Brit, whose staring at the floor
A whole minute passes of this....
Teddy: (Get's a phone call from his agent) That was my agent
Brit: Great
Teddy: She said I have a casting with Heidi and asked if I knew who she was
Brit: Smiles politely, yet annoyed
Teddy: I told her - 'don't worry, I KNOW Heidi'
Brit: (laughs) That's funny.

WHAT???? Teddy is such a MORON, why would Brit care that he KNOWS Heidi and that he's going to a casting with her. It seemed like he was almost nervous around Brit and had Diarrhea of the mouth. He so totally put his foot in his mouth. HILARIOUS!!

A Model, Idiot.

All right. Have you heard of and/or seen this new show on MTV called “8^th & Ocean?” The premise is just like The Real World (a bunch of obnoxious people living together) but it’s filmed like Laguna Beach (more realistic looking). The big bad twist on this one is that they are all MODELS. So a bunch of girls live in an apartment and a bunch of guys live in an apartment and they all work for this modeling agency called Irene Marie Models (www.irenemarie.com if you’d like to puke). Irene Marie looks like freaking Joan Rivers on her worst day. Do you know what she reminds me of? Did you ever see that freaky movie when you were a child called The Dark Crystal with the muppets? Here’s a picture comparison:

SO! These assholes all live together and go on auditions and casting calls and out to lunch and then to clubs at night. Life altering drama, of course, ensues. First in the girls’ apartment, there are twins named Kelly and Sabrina. They are completely identical. The trouble is that Kelly is getting booked on all of these jobs and Sabrina is not. Sabrina apparently isn’t shining through in her photographs. On episode one, the twins attend a casting call for Ocean Drive together. Kelly is selected for the photo shoot and Sabrina is not. (Sabrina is also having a little trouble with acne, which makes everything much worse.) Here is the conversation between the girls after the results are in.

Kelly: I got Ocean Drive (huge smug smile)

Sabrina: You did? You found out?

Kelly: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. (Nodding while the smile gets bigger and bigger.) With Teddy. With Teddy.

Sabrina: (slightly alarmed) You found out today?

Kelly: Mm hmm. With Teddy. (We can now see every single tooth as she watches her sister’s face crumble).

Sabrina: That’s cool. (apparently not a big enough reaction)

Kelly: (rolls her eyes as her smile becomes annoyed. A few minutes later…) You’re going to do that makeup shoot that I booked because Ocean Drive is at the same time.

Sabrina: How much does it pay?

Kelly: (smile returns and spreads) Like, pennies. I wouldn’t even do it. But you’re going to.

Close-up on Sabrina as she considers what this means. We see the tears forming.

Yes, my dear Gnomecorp, this is but a tiny sampling of the profound intellectual stimulation that is to be discovered on 8^th & Ocean. Next is a girl FOB from Kansas. Her name is Britt. She is a good little religious country girl and not quite prepared for the rigors of living with models and going on auditions. Not to mention – the clubs. The girls embark on a complicated project of teaching Britt how to dance. This is very difficult because most dancers work for years on their pirouettes and high kicks and… oh wait. They’re just teaching her how to grind on the dance floor in a skanky club. Britt gets it, but is horrified. She didn’t even know she really had hips down there. She thought the only purpose of her body was to dazzle the world with her unbelievable photographs – she didn’t realize it also moved.

As if all of this weren’t cerebral enough, there is also the aforementioned guys’ apartment. Dear God, it doesn’t get worse than this anywhere in the world! Here are four complete ASSHOLES living together with nothing to do but realize time and again how gorgeous they are. Okay, I will allow that the previous sentence applies to most males sharing an apartment, but these ones have the factors of being models and being chosen for this show to make matters infinitesimally exponentially worse. All they do is look in the mirror, lounge by the pool, and get their pictures taken. They are SOOOO sure that they are the biggest gift to mankind that their poop must smell like Armani cologne. When they have conversations with each other, it is to discuss the body parts of one of the female models, usually. No, not usually, always. That’s it. Unless they’re deciding which club to attend. There is one named Vinci who is absolutely intolerable. He blows off most of his auditions and shows up when he feels like it. When he was called into the agency and told off for being such a dipshit, all he did was smile at the bookers (who are female) and tell them to chill out. Then these girl bookers did all of womenkind a favor by smiling back!!!!!!!!!! I would have fired that son of a bitch. Instead, they booked him more jobs. They asked him if he could call every morning at 9:30 to check if there were any calls for him and he said no. He couldn’t do it. He’s too tired that early and if he sets his alarm, he’ll just sit up all night worrying about his alarm. This conversation was held with the president of the agency in dead earnest. DEAD EARNEST. No he won’t call to check in, no he won’t promise to be at the calls they book him for, no he won’t apologize for missing shit. No. Then when the booker said she had a call that she didn’t tell him about because he didn’t call to check in, he had the nerve to say, “You’re treating me like a child.” The president said that she can’t fire him because he’ll just walk next door to another agency and sign with them. That night he won an award at a fashion show for being Model of the Week. There is simply nothing to be done about guys like this except wait for them to screw up and get sent to jail where they can be butt-raped, or wait until they outgrow their modeling careers and are junkies. It’s ironic, too that they don’t want to be treated like children because CLEARLY their development came to a screeching halt at around age 14 when they realized they could get by on their looks. They are perpetual pre-pubes who make Indian noises when girls go by. Dare to dream that you might meet one someday.

MODEL'S FOR CHRIST

This was the sign on the door of a religious meeting Britt attended and brought Sabrina along. You tell me these people didn't check out in junior high school.