A Model, Idiot.

All right. Have you heard of and/or seen this new show on MTV called “8^th & Ocean?” The premise is just like The Real World (a bunch of obnoxious people living together) but it’s filmed like Laguna Beach (more realistic looking). The big bad twist on this one is that they are all MODELS. So a bunch of girls live in an apartment and a bunch of guys live in an apartment and they all work for this modeling agency called Irene Marie Models (www.irenemarie.com if you’d like to puke). Irene Marie looks like freaking Joan Rivers on her worst day. Do you know what she reminds me of? Did you ever see that freaky movie when you were a child called The Dark Crystal with the muppets? Here’s a picture comparison:

SO! These assholes all live together and go on auditions and casting calls and out to lunch and then to clubs at night. Life altering drama, of course, ensues. First in the girls’ apartment, there are twins named Kelly and Sabrina. They are completely identical. The trouble is that Kelly is getting booked on all of these jobs and Sabrina is not. Sabrina apparently isn’t shining through in her photographs. On episode one, the twins attend a casting call for Ocean Drive together. Kelly is selected for the photo shoot and Sabrina is not. (Sabrina is also having a little trouble with acne, which makes everything much worse.) Here is the conversation between the girls after the results are in.

Kelly: I got Ocean Drive (huge smug smile)

Sabrina: You did? You found out?

Kelly: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. (Nodding while the smile gets bigger and bigger.) With Teddy. With Teddy.

Sabrina: (slightly alarmed) You found out today?

Kelly: Mm hmm. With Teddy. (We can now see every single tooth as she watches her sister’s face crumble).

Sabrina: That’s cool. (apparently not a big enough reaction)

Kelly: (rolls her eyes as her smile becomes annoyed. A few minutes later…) You’re going to do that makeup shoot that I booked because Ocean Drive is at the same time.

Sabrina: How much does it pay?

Kelly: (smile returns and spreads) Like, pennies. I wouldn’t even do it. But you’re going to.

Close-up on Sabrina as she considers what this means. We see the tears forming.

Yes, my dear Gnomecorp, this is but a tiny sampling of the profound intellectual stimulation that is to be discovered on 8^th & Ocean. Next is a girl FOB from Kansas. Her name is Britt. She is a good little religious country girl and not quite prepared for the rigors of living with models and going on auditions. Not to mention – the clubs. The girls embark on a complicated project of teaching Britt how to dance. This is very difficult because most dancers work for years on their pirouettes and high kicks and… oh wait. They’re just teaching her how to grind on the dance floor in a skanky club. Britt gets it, but is horrified. She didn’t even know she really had hips down there. She thought the only purpose of her body was to dazzle the world with her unbelievable photographs – she didn’t realize it also moved.

As if all of this weren’t cerebral enough, there is also the aforementioned guys’ apartment. Dear God, it doesn’t get worse than this anywhere in the world! Here are four complete ASSHOLES living together with nothing to do but realize time and again how gorgeous they are. Okay, I will allow that the previous sentence applies to most males sharing an apartment, but these ones have the factors of being models and being chosen for this show to make matters infinitesimally exponentially worse. All they do is look in the mirror, lounge by the pool, and get their pictures taken. They are SOOOO sure that they are the biggest gift to mankind that their poop must smell like Armani cologne. When they have conversations with each other, it is to discuss the body parts of one of the female models, usually. No, not usually, always. That’s it. Unless they’re deciding which club to attend. There is one named Vinci who is absolutely intolerable. He blows off most of his auditions and shows up when he feels like it. When he was called into the agency and told off for being such a dipshit, all he did was smile at the bookers (who are female) and tell them to chill out. Then these girl bookers did all of womenkind a favor by smiling back!!!!!!!!!! I would have fired that son of a bitch. Instead, they booked him more jobs. They asked him if he could call every morning at 9:30 to check if there were any calls for him and he said no. He couldn’t do it. He’s too tired that early and if he sets his alarm, he’ll just sit up all night worrying about his alarm. This conversation was held with the president of the agency in dead earnest. DEAD EARNEST. No he won’t call to check in, no he won’t promise to be at the calls they book him for, no he won’t apologize for missing shit. No. Then when the booker said she had a call that she didn’t tell him about because he didn’t call to check in, he had the nerve to say, “You’re treating me like a child.” The president said that she can’t fire him because he’ll just walk next door to another agency and sign with them. That night he won an award at a fashion show for being Model of the Week. There is simply nothing to be done about guys like this except wait for them to screw up and get sent to jail where they can be butt-raped, or wait until they outgrow their modeling careers and are junkies. It’s ironic, too that they don’t want to be treated like children because CLEARLY their development came to a screeching halt at around age 14 when they realized they could get by on their looks. They are perpetual pre-pubes who make Indian noises when girls go by. Dare to dream that you might meet one someday.

MODEL'S FOR CHRIST

This was the sign on the door of a religious meeting Britt attended and brought Sabrina along. You tell me these people didn't check out in junior high school.