The Bachelor: Absurdity Calling

Such a dork.

The night is finally here! The Bachelor – all the way from London, England – is finally going to make up his mind and propose to his one and only true love. Who will it be? Well, first the two lucky finalists have to try and prove themselves to Matt’s British family and then take one last nose dive away from dignity in a final lunge for a rose/ring back in Barbados. Let’s get to it!

Well, what a waste of London. Here we join Matt getting ready to take his two finalists on tours of his hometown. Apparently Chelsea is first and Matt explains to us that he’s going to take her up in the London Eye, which is a giant ferris wheel that several European cities have versions of. Matt says this hasn’t been a straightforward journey with Chelsea because he hasn’t been able to tell if she’s actually into him or not. Right, like the impromptu fantasy suite invitation, the strip tease, the negligee… I wish she’d stop being so ambiguous and just put it out there already. Chelsea comes squealing along and I have to say that when she talks in falsetto tones to Matt, it seems very forced and unnatural. Up in the ferris wheel Matt points out where one of his offices is in the city – whoop-dee-do. Look kids, Big Ben! Parliament!

"I am the man."

After making out in the ferris wheel Matt and Chelsea take a miniature taxi over to his parents’ house and Chelsea chatters away to us about her relationship with Matt and how nervous she is about impressing his parents.

Welcome to Grant Manor

A stout little bearded chap meets Matt and Chelsea at the door and it turns out this jolly fellow is Matt’s brother, Simon. The name Simon over there must be like the name Dave over here because I sure do hear it a lot where the Brits are concerned. Then we meet the notorious couple responsible for Matt’s existence, Tony and Trish. How very un-British. Tony and Trish? Just hearing those names I would have pictured a double wide. On second thought, I guess there’s Tony Blair. Trish though, I’ll have to wonder about. The house is decorated like a very crowded art museum, meaning there’s hardly an inch of wall showing through all of the art pieces hanging on the walls and perched on various easels. Okay, so the Grants like art. Got it. Trish asks Chelsea what’s been the most enjoyable part of being on The Bachelor, besides meeting her prized son and lasting this long. Chelsea says she’s happy to have met someone who is so light about life, but yet serious about the important things. Simon warns Chelsea that if she wins and comes to stay with them in England, she’ll have to bring her Wellies. Ooh, ooh – I learned this one from an actual Brit! It is short for Wellingtons and it’s like galoshes. Chelsea guesses correctly that Simon is referring to rain boots, so Simon is charmed.

"This one cracked my Euro code."

After Chelsea babbles about the importance of a sense of humor, Trish tells us that Chelsea is doing a good job of selling herself, but that she doesn’t know Chelsea well enough to know if it’s genuine. Well, Chelsea is in pharmaceutical sales so her authenticity is indeed questionable. However, I do have to wonder how genuine your precious son is being around here, Trish.

Later Trish and Chelsea have some alone time for a heart to heart and Chelsea admits that she falls in love with Matt more each minute she spends with him, but she knows she’s held back because of her fear of getting hurt. Trish tells Chelsea it’s lovely to see her and Matt together because they have a very natural relationship and Matt is very much himself around her. Then she tells us she admires Chelsea for bearing her soul which isn’t easy to do.

"Oh, isn't Master Matthew perfect?"

Next Trish and Matt sit down in some room filled with stained glass versions of family crests all over the walls. Okay, so the Grants are blue bloods. Got it. I wonder if they know the Borgheses. Matt says something about piecing together the jigsaw puzzle of his life and then they burst in on Simon trying to make a move on Chelsea. Matt walks Chelsea out and she thinks that everything went wonderfully. He tells her that he adores her and keeps calling her “honey.” He tells us that he keeps thinking in the back of his mind that this could be the woman he gets engaged to. That’s thrilling. No really, it’s just so precious.

Now we cut to some stock footage of Matt strolling around London again and up skips Shayne all ready for her first European experience. I still can’t believe that the Lamases didn’t summer in Paris or something equally pretentious, but there you have it. Matt’s first big landmark for Shayne is Hyde Park, which he describes so eloquently. “So this is Hyde Park. This is a famous… park.” Tell us more, Matt! It’s like visiting the travel bureau! I notice here that for her stroll through the streets of Europe, Shane has chosen to wear a black silk opera dress and four inch heels. Well, no one said that Matt is looking for practical. They board a double-decker bus to see the sights of London and when Shayne spots the palace guards she wonders very whinily whether they don’t get really bored. She says that London is like a movie. Well yes it is, Shayne. Like Bridget Jones’ Diary or Notting Hill… is that what you had in mind?

Back at the Grant Museum Shayne meets the wonderful family and proceeds to complain about how she wasn’t allowed off the bus to shop and then she spills wine on herself. Simon looks rather concerned. He tells us that this girl doesn’t seem like Matt’s type at all.

"We've never even seen a girl that pretty in England."

Over dinner Tony finally opens his mouth and asks Shayne how old she is. She answers that she’s 12 and Tony laughs like he hasn’t laughed in years. Oh how young the sexy little bleached blonde makes him feel.

"Pick this one, boy."

Trish asks how old Shayne was when she started acting and she says that she started about 10 years ago on a soap opera and worked her way up into film. I implore you all again to visit Shayne on imdb and witness that her biggest role by far has been on this, The Bachelor. Worked her way up… yeah, from a soap opera to reality TV. Prepare for the Golden Globes, Shayne. After more grilling about her “acting career” and her stint on The Bachelor, Simon concedes to us that she had really good answers to everything and he may have misjudged her at first. Always go with your first instinct, Simon.

A little later Shayne and Simon are left alone and Shayne wants to know what Simon honestly thought of her when he first saw her. He says that he wasn’t sure why Matt was attracted to her, apart from her obvious beauty. Okay this guy is SO not American. American guys are not aware, nor do they care that there IS anything besides the obvious beauty. Anyway, Simon says that Shayne proved him wrong with her conversation abilities over lunch. Ah yes, the story of the acting career does it every time.

Next Shayne sits down with Trish and Trish says that from the moment she met Shayne she’s felt totally at ease. Shayne says that in marriage she’s not looking for a fairy tale ending, but for someone with whom she’ll be willing to get through anything. She talks about her crazy parents splitting up and remarrying several times. Trish is engrossed. Who wouldn’t be? When Shayne leaves, both Tony and Simon jump on the chance to give her the double cheek kiss, and Shayne says she’s had a beautiful time. Oh brother.

"Wait. One more, little lass."

Ah, and now for the useless conversation that The Bachelor always conducts with his family after they’ve met the two finalists. Will the Grants have the answer Matt is looking for? My guess is no, but let’s listen anyway, shall we? Matt says he feels more at ease with Shayne, but more passion for Chelsea. The parents both think Shayne is more sincere than Chelsea. What??? “Shayne” and “sincere” are two words I would have never paired together – even in the same paragraph. Simon can more easily picture Matt with Chelsea than Shayne, but the parents disagree. Okay, so the Grants want to be Hollywood groupies. Got it. Mum Grant finally says something stunningly brilliant. “What you’ve got to realize is the final decision is yours.” Really Trish? You mean Matt isn’t going to propose based on votes you all put into a hat tonight? Well, wouldn’t you know it? Matt has no idea what he’s going to do.

It’s time to return to Barbados so that Matt can have his big last chance to really let both girls think they’re going to win. Chelsea is first again and Matt immediately blindfolds her and leads her over to a helicopter pad. Chelsea screams a lot and jumps around and then they set off over the water on their way to a private beach. Matt claims that the beach is “untouched” but I call bogus. The location scout had to choose it and then the whole crew had to set up there. Sure enough, the “untouched” beach is covered in footprints when they arrive and Chelsea keeps oohing and aahing over how impressed she is with everything. She’s laying it on kind of thick, but what can she do? Matt keeps insisting he has no idea what she’s thinking. They have a little picnic and coo at each other and then they pose for this unfortunate shot.

Seriously, someone was in on this.

Chelsea says that they fit well together on the beach. Yech. They make out there on the beach and then retire to the Hilton to continue. Chelsea says it’s her last chance to let Matt know how she feels about him. Oh no, what will it be this time? Belly dancing? Snake charming? No. It’s an insulated fabric cooler labeled “Matt’s California Survival Kit” in Sharpie. Apparently this is for when Matt comes to California to visit Chelsea. The first item Matt pulls out is a little box of cereal, which Chelsea explains is to symbolize that they will have breakfast in bed together. Whatever. Next is surf wax because Chelsea wants to teach Matt how to surf. Next is a map – I guess so he can drive around California – and that seems to be about it. Once again Chelsea explains that it’s taken her a while to open up because she doesn’t want to be vulnerable. Yeah, yeah. She says she’s totally falling in love with Matt, but she doesn’t think it’s truly possible to be in love with someone unless they have the capacity to love you back.

"Wow, your bum looks great tonight."

Matt stops her and says, “Baby, I’m falling in love with you as well, you know that.” Oh really? I’d like a strip tease as proof. Actually no I wouldn’t. I just don’t believe him. Because you know he’ll say the same thing to Shayne, and he already said the same thing to Amanda and Noelle. How can you honestly be falling in love with more than one person? I don’t get it. Anyway, they make out some more and Chelsea tells Matt to not have any fun tomorrow. Matt tells us that he’s absolutely falling in love with Chelsea and he just hopes they can get through this together. Chelsea tells us she needs it to be him and her. I need this to wrap up, I’m getting hungry.

The next morning as Matt waits on the beach for Shayne, he tells us that he’s putting all thoughts of Chelsea out of his head and concentrating on Shayne. She comes running up from behind and jumps off of a small wall to wrap her legs around Matt’s waist. Here he explains that the reason he calls Shayne “monkey” is because of how she wraps around him and hangs on. Oh, that is just so adorable. Will he feed her some bananas too? I notice that it looks like someone has had yet another close encounter with the spray tanner. Shayne says that this is a very important day for her to show her feelings and prove to Matt that she wants to be with him for the rest of her life. Matt’s outing for Shayne today is parasailing. She climbs all over his back and shrieks about how excited she is.

"Parasailing is very intellectual."

As Shayne prepares to launch she tells Matt that if she doesn’t come back she wishes him and Chelsea well. Oh shut up, Shayne. As they take turns parasailing they both scream and wave a lot. Shayne gives a soliloquy of Shakespearean proportions: “Being so far, far up in the air and looking out… it’s like being an angel just flying in the sky. I was up there floating and dreaming. Dreaming of the man that I love getting down on his knee and asking me to marry him. I want Matt forever – I love him. I’m just ready.” Oh. My. Gosh. This is seriously the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever witnessed. So retarded.

Later it’s Shayne’s turn to fork over her present. She says very seriously, “This will be the most amazing gift you will ever receive from me in our entire relationship.” Shayne, can you please give it a rest? This is getting really annoying. I notice a little stuffed monkey on the bed and I throw up. Okay, so guess what the gift is. Guess what the most amazing gift Matt will ever receive ends up being. It’s a freaking series of pictures of Shayne in a bikini crawling around on the beach spelling out “I love you” in the sand with her hands. What a tremendous honor. Matt says his heart melted. Shayne says, “Do you see what it says?” Shayne, three-year-olds see what it says. Then surprise, surprise, Matt says he’s falling in love with her too. Shayne does baby talk asking if Matt likes his present and he plays with her hair. It’s a regular slumber party!

"Let's do another crank call!"

Matt leaves with the pictures and stuffed monkey and tells us that he’s totally confused and has no idea what decision he’s going to make. He does know, however, that he never regrets anything, so he knows that once he makes his decision that will be it.

The next day Matt sits alone in his hotel room with his elbows on his knees pondering, pondering. He says this is a big day when he’s going on to the next phase of his life because he’s going to go down on one knee and propose. Oh goody. He’s been looking at rings and he’s settled on a really gaudy one with three big diamonds and a million little ones all the way around the band.

Couldn't ABC spring for a Bachelor manicure?

Shout out to Tacori for product placement. Never mind that this is all a farce! Tacori is there for any proposal – real or pretend. Matt says he’s never been this nervous, he’s never been this apprehensive, and he never thought he’d fall in love with two women. Oh of course you didn’t Matt. You are an innocent bystander, just like the rest of us.

While the girls get all fancied up Matt tells us about both of them because we haven’t seen enough yet. He says that with Chelsea he’s always buzzing with excitement and with Shayne it’s all warmth, sincerity and genuineness. Yes, I would have reversed those two descriptions exactly, just based on what I’ve watched. Matt is so deluded. Chelsea puts on a white goddess-like gown and Shayne puts on a neon yellow teddy. Matt says that he’s just had to try and choose which of them he can honestly see as a lifelong partner and it’s become quite clear to him. This oughta be good.

So along comes the first limo and out pops… Chelsea. Dead woman walking. Chris Harrison silently leads her up the Path of Doom to the Proposal Platform where Matt is waiting to crush her heart to pieces.

"Geez, this is awkward. Please don't say anything, Chelsea."

Matt tells her she looks amazing and exquisite and then he launches into the rejection speech. He says he never thought he’d meet someone like Chelsea and that he’s been falling for her for a long time. He says they’ve gotten very close and shared some amazing times and he wants to thank her for that. He’s come here to find his lifelong partner and he knows Chelsea has too, and when he thinks about it long and hard… long pause… he can’t give her everything that she needs. He’s sorry she’s not the one because she’s incredible. Chelsea nods and says thank you. She says she doesn’t have any regrets and she thinks that their connection, their humor, and the things they want are so in line. She feels like Matt reassured her and gave her the okay to open up. Matt butts in and says that he was falling for her, too, but she keeps going. She says she guesses she was just too late with her feelings. Matt says that at times he thought she was the one. Well great, I bet that makes her feel a whole lot better, Matt.

"Oh... you mean I almost won?"

Okay, he’s ready to kick her into the limo so he takes her hand to lead her away. After a few steps he stops and tells Chelsea that he’s really going to miss her and this was the hardest decision ever. Chelsea starts to freak out and says she doesn’t understand because Shayne is the falsest person in the bunch. Matt defends Shayne, saying she’s not false and that clearly the person he knows is different than the person Chelsea knows, and if she dares to think for one second that Matt would ever end up with the falsest person of the bunch then she doesn’t know him at all! Chelsea just shakes her head and says, “I guess. I don’t know.” Matt’s kind of perturbed now and doesn’t hold Chelsea’s hand the rest of the way to the limo. He gives her a final hug and says again that he’s going to miss her. Oh enough already. Let’s get to the Ride of Shame.

Chelsea says that it’s the hardest thing to have just admitted to herself how much she loves Matt and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. She says that her relationships are let down after let down. She says it will be hard for her to explain what’s happened because she doesn’t even know. “He’s a fool!” Truer words were never spoken, Chelsea.

Matt is busy feeling sorry for himself about how hard that was, but he’s totally excited to propose to Shayne now. When he pictures his future with Shayne he pictures them having lots of fun, lots of affection, lots of love, and he knows she will always be there for him. Guess again, Matt. Here is the limo, and here is Shayne in her yellow underwear. Chris Harrison jauntily escorts her up the Path of Delight to the Proposal Platform.

"Step lightly, oh fortunate lady."

Matt launches into his speech, which is really quite stupid. Something about big brown eyes and too good to be true, and most importantly the words “American actress,” which is what we all know this is really all about. After he yammers some more he says he doesn’t have much more to say (could have fooled me) and then he gets down on one knee. Shayne starts hyperventilating. “Matt! Matt!” Out comes the ring and on come the tears.

Get ready...

Then comes the dumbest proposal in the history of mankind, “Monkey, will you marry me?” The monkey says yes and then mistakes her yellow dress for a banana and tries to have a snack. Then she starts screaming like she’s in the audience of TRL, “Woohoo!” just in case any MTV casting directors happen to be watching. Then Shayne says, “I will marry you under one condition – that you will never look at another woman for the rest of our lives, because you have looked at way too many during our relationship!” Oh Shayne. See? She has comic timing, too. Are we done here?

Almost. They both have to yell “I love you!” and then Matt has to offer her the final rose and she has to accept. Now there’s a montage of all things Shayne and then during the credits they coo some more. That’s enough. I’ll be back with an update on these two the minute they break up. I’m giving it six weeks, tops. What about you?

Our engagement photo

Next week! DeAnna returns in a two hour season premiere of The Bachelorette! Wait, two hours? Are we going to have some extended limo-emerging scenes, or what? Maybe the first hour will be a recap of DeAnna’s shameful jilting by Bachelor Brad. Can’t wait to find out!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

The Bachelor: Honey Gangsta Takes a Nap

Quick! The women are telling all!

So I tried, I really tried to come up with anything to say about The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, but seriously, there was nothing new. Stacey was back to explain how embarrassed she was about being such a drunken freak show on the first episode and then as an apology gift she gave Matt a pair of granny panties. Marshana showed up in something other than a sari and claimed to be misunderstood, and Robin showed up in a top pretending it was a dress and said it’s been fun to watch Matt in the last couple of episodes and see him look so happy. Nice try, Robin.

Planning on a swim, Robin?

Matt appeared with a shaved head which does wonders for his looks but nothing for his personality, unfortunately.

"I'm brilliant, if I'm honest."

Naturally he told us he is engaged and has never been happier. Particularly since he hasn’t been allowed near his fiancée since the proposal. He totally believes in fate now. Then he told Amanda that he is sorry she “got hurt.” Not that he hurt her, mind you, but that she got hurt. Like she accidentally tripped or something. Amanda didn’t seem too pleased. Please feel free to leave your favorite moment of the evening in the comments because that about does it for mine.

The highlight of this nonsense was, of course, the commercial announcing that the week after Matt pretend-proposes to someone, we will be treated to the long anticipated return of The Bachelorette!

Whatcha been up to, DeAnna?

I have a friend in the know who told me around the time we were watching Matt arrive in Los Angeles that ABC producers were still looking for hot guys to compete for DeAnna’s heart. It’s so funny to me that women seem to line up for miles to be rejected, but the men drag their feet – even though The Bachelorettes seem to have more luck choosing wisely. I’m excited for the role-reversal, and to see how DeAnna manages her last chance for love.

See you next week on the Proposal Platform!
-Honey Gangsta

The Bachelor: The Island of Lost Dignity

"Look at all these pine trees!"

Tonight on The Bachelor we head for Barbados to watch three lucky girls give it up in the hopes of being The Chosen One. Poor Matt. He is just so confused because he has such a brilliant connection with three different women and he has no idea how he’s going to be able to send one of them away brokenhearted. But you’d better believe he’s going to do it! Here we go!

Matt starts out by gloating to the camera that he is going to be the luckiest jerk in Barbados because he gets to be there with not just one, but three dumb girls to fall all over him. He then explains that the overnight dates are different because they are longer and more intimate. Thanks for the newsflash, Matt.

"You see, they last all night, and it's just the two of us..."

Shayne is up first and Matt says that all the concerns he had about Shayne have disappeared. You know, all that worry that she is a silly, dramatic actress-type… nonsense! Now he just wants to make sure that they work as a couple. Shayne comes squealing up wearing a ginormous floppy hat and announces to Matt, “We’re in Barbados!” We are? Shayne would never have imagined it, but she is really 100% falling in love with Matt. They hop on some wave runners and Shayne tells us that this is the first time she’s been out of the USA. What? Haven’t Lorenzo Lamas’ child support checks been large enough to occasion a European tour? Christmas in St. Barts? What gives? Anyway Shayne and Matt have been given this huge inflatable trampoline platform that goes in the water, so Shayne jumps up on it and gives us the most important moment in the daytime portion of this date:

Seriously, we might as well skip to the final rose.

They make out in the water and then Shayne asks Matt if there are palm trees in London. Ah yes, balmy tropical London. Who doesn’t winter in London? Is this girl for real? Has she ever even seen a globe? I mean, do you really have to travel to London to know that it isn’t palm-tree-prone? Matt even accuses her of already knowing the answer to that question, but Shayne insists she doesn’t, and I, for one, believe her. Matt says that tonight he wants to spend time with “Serious Shayne,” because he wants to see less of her blonde act and more of the intelligent independent woman. Is that honestly why he’s hanging on to her? He’s convinced himself that the vacancy is just a blonde act? Why are guys honestly this retarded? I guess they’re listening to their loudest brain, and it’s not the one in their heads.

Shayne says that if she doesn’t tell Matt certain things she’ll regret it, but if she does tell him she’ll be pleased. Oh goody, let’s find out what these wonderful things could possibly be. Turns out Shayne is going to teach Matt all about stage-kissing. Like you have to tilt your head a certain way and you never use tongue. Matt pretends to be Brad Pitt – as if Shayne would ever be cast opposite Brad Pitt – and they practice stage-kissing. Except Matt uses tongue. This is so meaningful. Matt says he loves seeing this side of her – you know, the intelligent side – and Shayne admits that she loves being blonde. She’s been blonde since she was 13. Wow, glad we cleared that up and got past the blonde act. Now Matt suggests discussing the American elections. Shayne answers thus: “Listen. As far as politics goes, you know I’m smart Matt. You know I know what’s going on in the world and I’m intellectual. Is that how you say that word?” Wow, I was wrong. Shayne obviously has very articulate views on things like the economy and global terrorism. Then she claims she really did know that there are no palm trees in London. B.S.!

Shayne tells Matt that she has an announcement, but first she needs to know if he is seriously considering being with her. Matt tells her that when he looks into her eyes he sees someone he could seriously be with [for the night]. Yes, I clarified by adding that last part in. He says that Shayne is his little monkey, which is an animal I would love to be compared to. Shayne almost whispers, “I’m falling in love with you.” They do some noisy kissing and then Matt whips it out – the fantasy card, that is.

No, no Matt. Don't get up.

He asks Shayne to read it and she has to sound out a few of the words, even saying “fargo” instead of “forgo,” but we get the picture. She pretends to hesitate for a moment thinking about it, but then she [practically] rips her clothes off and they run to the suite. It’s all cutsied-out with rose petals strewn everywhere and they even get a private pool, which they immediately hop into and Shayne immediately mounts Matt. Matt says that the only thing stopping this from being the most wonderful moment ever is that he still has to go on dates with the other two girls. Yeah, there’s nothing like spending time with an intelligent, independent and “inter-lectural” woman.

Next up is Amanda and Matt spends some time blabbing into the camera – basically trying to remind himself why on earth he ever gave her the First Impression Rose. Amanda tells us that she can’t stop thinking about Matt and that he is the one she’s been waiting for.

"He's like, really cute."

The first activity is zip lining and Matt tells us that he and Amanda both have a terrible fear of heights so it will be really sexy to conquer that fear together. Oh yes it will. I can’t wait to watch! As they get harnessed up, Amanda starts meeping, so she must be super nervous. She says that she’s going to zip line even though she’s terrified because this is her last chance to prove to Matt how much she really cares about him. Yes, that will show him. So in an extremely sexy sequence, Matt and Amanda overcome their fear of heights by zip lining!

Later Amanda tells us that she feels woozy around Matt. I don’t think woozy is a good thing. It’s like being car sick. She thinks the sexiest part of dating someone is being able to have a real conversation. Indeed. I hear that’s what Matt thinks, too. That’s why Shayne’s come so far. Amanda is actually worried that Matt might not offer her the Fantasy Suite Card, because with guys you just never know. They often pass up the chance to have sex with someone they find extremely hot. Over dinner Amanda starts sputtering about how she has a hard time opening up emotionally, but she doesn’t want to lose Matt because she was afraid to tell him how she feels. Matt wonders if she’s never had feelings for a boyfriend before and Amanda says she’s pretty sure she only liked her ex-boyfriends as friends, so that clears it all up for Matt. He’s the first guy she’s ever like-liked!

"Yeah, the other boys were icky."

And speaking of like, Amanda says, “Like, I really feel like you’re the guy that like, I could be with for… forever. And like, you have everything I’m looking for, plus I like, get this feeling… wah wah wah like, wah wah wah.” Did someone just transfer from Newport Harbor?

And out comes the Fantasy Suite Card. Amanda is so relieved to even be offered the Card that she doesn’t even hesitate and immediately says, “Of course!” For once it looks like ABC has sprung for different Fantasy Suites so Matt doesn’t have to feign surprise each time he walks in with a different girl. He and Amanda sit down on the bed and he tells her how much he enjoys being with her and that he thinks they make a great couple. Amanda says “like” a few dozen more times and she tells us she feels like she and Matt have had a breakthrough. The girls always think that after they’ve spilled their guts. Amanda is DEFINITELY falling in love with Matt, what a shocker.

Bright and early the next morning Matt sets out to meet Chelsea and to take her out on a catamaran. Matt says that his relationship with Chelsea has been a roller coaster, which makes me think of Mayo, but he thinks that they made some serious headway during her hometown date. They did? That part must have gotten edited out. He’s hoping that she’s going to show up all cupid’s arrows and rose petals overflowing with romance. Well she doesn’t. She keeps her hands in her pockets and seems a bit stand-offish. During their catamaran ride they don’t really talk about anything and Matt says he’s going to have to go ahead and use the A-word. “Awkward.” The amazing connection they made in Colorado is gone. Chelsea is a million miles away and when Matt tries to hold her hand she won’t even let him intertwine his fingers with hers! This is a disaster! Matt complains about getting mixed signals, which I find very rich coming from him.

After a while the captain gets sick of listening to Matt and Chelsea pretend to have a conversation so he parks the catamaran and pushes them overboard to swim with sea turtles. Matt says he’s hoping they’ll be able to bond in the water, but this is the most action he gets:

The Pet Masseuse

Matt complains that the turtle is closer to him physically than Chelsea. Well Matt, Chelsea has a bigger brain than the turtle. What can you expect? Matt is gutted, and try as I might, I just don’t feel sorry for him at all. Later he’s kind of hesitant about having dinner with Chelsea because she is so distant, but she comes bopping up in a little sundress so Matt has to sit down and have a meal. He complains that she’s been hard to read and if there were a “Bachelor” show for a best friend Chelsea would win it, but that’s not why he’s here.

"May day!"

Chelsea says she’s very passionate about everything she does, but she’s very bothered by the fact that there are other girls involved. She’s terrified of getting hurt, and blah blah blah. Apparently this is enough encouragement for Matt to break out the Fantasy Suite Card. Seeing as Chelsea made her own Fantasy Suite proposal a couple of episodes back, it’s no surprise that she would absolutely, absolutely LOVE to accompany Matt to the official Fantasy Suite.

They head up to a room that is strikingly similar to Amanda’s Fantasy Suite, so I have to say that Shayne won on tonight’s episode. She’s the only one who got a villa with a pool. Anyway, Matt sits down with Chelsea and tells her that he’s gone out of his way to show her how much he likes her more than any of the other girls. Then he says he’s almost said too much. Oh please. Chelsea says she has a surprise for Matt, and then WE, not Matt, are treated to a striptease starring Chelsea. She slinks out of her sundress revealing little boy panties that say “pretty” in sequins, then slinks into a little black nightie and slowly pulls up one strap at a time, like we all do when we’re getting ready for bed. Then, as the delicious cherry on top of her show, she pulls her panties out from under her nightie, tosses them on the bed, and struts out to show Matt.

Off with this Amish number...

On with seduction...

Very slowly...

Who needs underwear?

I can't tell if Matt likes it.

This is Chelsea’s romantic side, you see. Of course Matt is psyched because this means he’s getting some [more]. This makes up for an entire day of the cold shoulder. At least for now.

The next day Matt frets about having to break someone’s heart and it looks like Chelsea is still in her black nightie to up her chances of getting a rose. The girls all stand around looking petrified and I wonder who’s going to count the roses since Chris Harrison hasn’t joined us in Barbados.

Suckers!

Shayne gets the first rose, surprising positively NO ONE. She looks like she’s about to throw up. How many are left? Do you think we will ever know? And Chelsea gets the second and last rose. Buh-bye, Amanda! The First Impression recipient NEVER wins. That first rose is the kiss of death. They usually get pretty far, but they never win.

Matt walks Amanda over to a bench to explain himself and she is pissed off. She says, “Like, I’m shocked right now. I’m shocked, like…” Matt assures her that everything he’s ever said to her has been true. Amanda says that doesn’t make sense at all. Yeah! Make him explain, Amanda! He just keeps telling her how great she is and she says she doesn’t understand what the problem is. She thought she’d found true love. She calls him a name that gets bleeped and I seriously can’t tell what she says. But I agree.

'Tis better to have loved and lost... um no.

He walks her to the limo and she tries to yawn when they stand up, but she doesn’t quite succeed. She doesn’t even look at him when she gets in the car, and after he closes the door, he does back-handsprings all the way back up the path to Shayne and Chelsea. All done feeling bad!

In her Ride of Shame Amanda cries and reiterates that her feelings for Matt are real and that she thought they had a real connection. She really thought they were going to get married! Well, look at the bright side, Amanda. Your wedding won’t get called off via TMZ.

Next time Matt takes the final two to London to see the palm trees and meet his parents. Then he’ll propose to the lucky winner. But first we have to take a time out for a Women Tell Nothing episode that will air next week. I’ll be sure to recap all the filler.

Anyone thinking Shayne WON’T win?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

The Bachelor: Matt's Greatest Day EVER

"I'm so near to fame I can smell it!"

Tonight on The Bachelor Matt goes on his hometown dates! For the first time in Bachelor history, we meet a celebrity father. Okay, maybe not really a celebrity, but at least someone who was on the show “Are You Hot?” No, come to think of it, I’ve heard the name Lorenzo Lamas many times, but I have to admit, I wouldn’t know him even if I ran over him with my car. But I digress. Let’s do this!

So Matt starts out by meeting Shayne’s family. We all know he’s hardly been able to contain himself since day 1 looking forward to this moment. His first big time Hollywood movie star! Of course, Shayne’s family lives in Los Angeles where Matt has been staying this whole time, but in honor of hometown dates, Matt takes a Southwest flight from LAX to Burbank and then drives back over the hill to meet Lorenzo Lamas. Shayne is waiting for him in a restaurant and tells us that she knows Matt is still skeptical about the fact that she’s an actress. I have to pause here and share the fact that Gnomecorp found Shayne on imdb and half of her credits are episodes of “The Bachelor.” I verified this and she’s been on more episodes of “The Bachelor” than “General Hospital.” It’s literally half of her résumé! She really needs to cool it on the actress claim.

When Matt sits down Shayne tells him a story about introducing another guy to her dad and this other guy admitted – to Lorenzo Lamas, mind you – that he and Shayne met at a club! The horror! Great story, Shayne, now pipe down. Matt worries that Lorenzo Lamas may drill him over meeting Shayne on television, Lorenzo Lamas, Lorenzo Lamas. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the man we’ve all been waiting for, Mr. “Are You Hot” himself… LORENZO LAMAS!!! Lorenzo Lamas, Lorenzo Lamas!

Who's the lucky viewing audience?

Here we go. Matt meets Lorenzo Lamas, take one. Lorenzo Lamas tells us that he got married when he was 21 which was a huge mistake, and then he tells Matt that Shayne is very important to him. Then he drops a huge bomb. He tells Matt and America that Shayne only went on “The Bachelor” to further her acting career. He says that she wants to be a good actress, but even more than that, she wants to be a star. That is too hilarious. First of all, Lorenzo Lamas, no duh. But secondly, way to sell your daughter out! Looking to grab a little screen time for ourselves, are we? Shayne tries to argue, but Lorenzo Lamas has his story and he’s sticking to it! Shayne makes a very serious announcement to the effect that she is only here for Matt and nothing else. Then Lorezno Lamas says, “That’s the important thing we got out of this.” What?! Do these people even have any clue themselves of what they’re saying? Do they only make sense if they’re reading from a script?

Speaking of scripts, now Lorenzo Lamas takes Matt into the other room and gives a speech that is clearly pre-planned about how he regrets not being in his daughter’s life more than he has been and that Matt better not toy with her feelings. Matt is awestruck in the presence of such impressive acting. He practically calls Lorenzo Lamas “Dad,” as he pictures himself attending an endless schedule of premiere parties and Ivy lunches. Seriously, Matt is almost beside himself telling Lorenzo Lamas how excited he is to be his son-in-law. Now Lorenzo Lamas tells Shayne that he can tell that Matt really likes her, that she’s his “big girl,” and to follow her heart. I’m going to request a rewrite on that one. Big girl? Shayne tries really hard to cry on cue and then pretends to be surprised at how well this meeting went. And next we’re off to rehab, also known as Shayne’s mom’s house.

"Can we try the hug again? I wasn't feeling it."

Shayne is very excited to introduce Matt to her mom, Michele, and her sister, Dakota. She tells us she’s not going to hide the fact that she’s from a broken home. Oh thanks a lot, Shayne. I would have been so much more comfortable if Lorenzo Lamas had been at your mom’s house “acting” like they were still a couple. As they enter the house, Dakota comes hopping up wearing the latest trend of the young rich set. The hippie/Native American headband. The kind that is on top of your hair all the way around your head. I’ve seen this here, on “The Hills,” and “The Real Housewives of New York City.” I’m not a fan, but I’m sure I’ll eventually be seduced by the trendy whippersnapping set and start tying crap around my head too. Just now, as I’m minding my own business puzzling over my headbanding future, I glance up at the television screen and literally scream. The most horrendously surgically altered person I’ve ever seen has just stepped into view. And it’s Shayne’s mother.

Shayne in 20 years... or 10.

Aside from the cosmetic disaster that is Michele, every inch of the house is covered in leopard skin, except for an embroidered pillow that reads, “So many men – so few who can afford me.” Aw, did Michele make that at last month’s quilting bee? Instead of bursting into tears and running for his life, Matt tells us that he’s “kind of digging” this whole scene. Ah, the price you pay for fame. Or to be a groupie to your daddy-in-law. He even snuggles with a small white dog wearing a pink tutu. I wish I were kidding. For dinner Michele serves British fare – including roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, but she dodges Matt’s questions about learning to cook these things. I’m guessing Michele called Wee Britain for delivery service. I’m also starting to figure out where Shayne learned her bright pink makeup habits.

Michele takes Matt into a bedroom (!) and shows him a home video of Shayne dancing on a stage some years ago. She’s actually really good and Michele keeps bragging and bragging. Matt is totally entranced. He’s having visions of his own little girls becoming Vaudeville hoofers, then blooming into shameless Hollywood climbers and ending as leather handbags wearing fuchsia lipstick. The smile can not be wiped off of his face. Elsewhere Shayne and Dakota discuss love and Shayne says she can’t say at the moment that she loves Matt, but she “can see herself falling in love with him.” Oh brother. I thought Dakota was going to sit Matt down and tell him all these glorious things about Shayne.

Halo in training?

Michele asks Matt how he feels about Shayne’s career and he tells her it’s just wonderful. Hmm, those same thoughts didn’t apply when discussing Leelee’s wandering singing career, did they Matt? Michele wants to know how Matt will handle watching Shayne on screen kissing another man and I want to know how Matt will handle it when it happens in real life. This is so ludicrous and Matt can hardly rip himself away at the end. He has had such a “brilliant” time. This guy is so transparent. He’s ready to pick out the space for his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Need we go on?

Waking up from the Lamas nightmare, we now enter Durango, Colorado to meet Chelsea’s family. Matt tells us that he’s still worried about how much Chelsea is actually willing to let loose and show her emotions, but I think at this point he’s just looking for reasons to dump everyone and move to Hollywood with Shayne, Michele and Dakota. Chelsea is waiting for Matt in six feet of snow when he arrives and she jumps up and squeals when she sees him. She sits Matt down and warns him that she doesn’t see her family often, so she gets emotional when they reunite. Chelsea’s parents live in one of those planned communities where every house looks exactly the same and you have to use your garage door opener to locate your own home. As we meet Dad Kerry and Mom Addie Chelsea tells us that she highly admires their marriage and hopes to have one like it someday. Over dinner Chelsea tells about Matt’s sarcastic sense of humor and how much fun they’ve had together. Dad Kerry wants to know if Matt came on “The Bachelor” to meet 25 women, or to meet the one right woman. Ugh, here comes Matt’s speech again about his aging father. Zip it, Matt, you’re here to marry into fame.

"I'm not toasting to you un-famous people."

Chelsea sits down with her dad and tells him that she doesn’t think she wanted this to happen. Meaning she didn’t want to find herself liking Matt this much, but wouldn’t you know it. Amid the isolation and intense Matt-focus forced on her by the producers, she’s ending up really starting to like him! Kerry advises Chelsea that if she likes Matt, she needs to let him know how she feels. Bad advice, Kerry. Matt tells Mom Addie that he fell in love with Chelsea the first time he hung out with her (yeah, right), but could never tell if she liked him back. Addie reminds Matt that Chelsea knows he’s dating other girls and that makes it hard to be very open. Oh yeah? Not for Shayne. Chelsea walks Matt out to the car and they tell each other how much fun they’ve had and then make out. I’m getting really nauseated.

Matt’s next stop is Loveland, Colorado where he will be meeting Noelle’s farming family. Interestingly, there is no snow in this portion of the state. Matt has the most clever line to open the scene: “Today I’m in Loveland – home of love and Noelle.” Oh, how does he come up with these? He is just “brilliant!” Matt tells us that he doesn’t know Noelle as well as the other girls, but he’s hoping to rectify that situation. Noelle is waiting for him wearing a belly sweater – yes you read that correctly. We can see her midriff. She tells us how real this if for her. You know with all the cameras and the cue cards and the retakes. Real. Matt and Noelle go horseback riding and Noelle tells Matt that he has a lot of the qualities she lacks, so they compliment each other perfectly. Oh that is so profound.

Those are two ticked off horses.

Today we meet Noelle’s Dad Larry, Mom Teresa, and sisters Alicia and Rachel. Larry drags Matt away to play horseshoes and the girls sit around a picnic table to discuss Matt. One sister says Matt’s cute, and Mom Teresa says he’s tall. Well put, ladies. Dad Larry and Matt just tell each other how excited they’ve been to meet each other and then we go back to the girls where Noelle is babbling about putting herself out there. Over dinner the family wants to know where Matt will live and he tells them that he doesn’t care because he’s flexible – both about where he lives and getting his legs over his head. Zing! One of Noelle’s sisters talks to the camera and the idiots in production put a subscript under her that says “Teresa, Noelle’s Mom.”

Poor Rachel, Noelle's sister.

Then both sisters take him outside and want to know if he’s getting close to falling in love. Matt says that he’s bizarrely falling in love with more than one person – and one of those people is Noelle! Inside, Noelle’s parents tell her that they like Matt and then Noelle complains some more about finding it hard to open up to anyone. Then she walks Matt outside and tells Matt that he passed the family meeting with flying colors. Matt tells Noelle that he desperately wants to kiss her so they make out. I throw up.

Our last stop is Tallahassee, Florida to meet Amanda’s family. Amanda tells us that she wanted to play a prank on Matt so she hired actors to play her parents and trick him. I’m sorry, but we’re really supposed to believe that this was Amanda’s idea? Give me a break. The producers knew they had to do something to top the Grand Lamas Debacle and Amanda went along. She claims that this will show Matt that she has a good sense of humor. I think it shows that she is a puppet. This next segment is pretty insulting. These people are downright obnoxious. The mom keeps laughing like a crazy person and the dad asks really intrusive questions about Matt and Amanda’s physical relationship.

"And this is how I register 'anger.'"

Amanda keeps narrating to us, calling them “fake mom” and “fake dad.” This idiocy culminates with the fake mom crawling on top of Matt, telling him he smells good, trying to kiss him and grabbing his nipple. All right! We get it! Please put us out of our misery!!!

This woman actually tried out for The Bachelor Season 10.

Milliseconds before I scratch my own eyes out, Amanda brings out her real family and we skim over dinner because we wasted so much time watching “Amanda’s” prank. Matt and Amanda have a private conversation where Matt tells her how extraordinary he thinks she is, but most importantly, they make out.

And after that painful mess, it’s finally time for the Rose Ceremony. Thank goodness we skip the cocktail party tonight because I am at the end of my rope. Matt comes out and tells the girls that he didn’t sleep much last night and they’re all incredible and so are their families. Here’s how it goes: Shayne (No, really?), Amanda… Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. Chelsea! Aw, buh-bye Noelle! See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!

Matt walks Noelle out and tells her that they have a connection, but it wasn’t the easiest. Noelle says it’s her fault for not opening up more and Matt says that he feels in his heart this situation isn’t the best for her. Noelle is very classy. She’s sweet and doesn’t cry and leaves with all of her dignity intact, which very few girls on this show can say. On her Ride of Shame Noelle says that it’s hard to be the one sent home and since Matt said they were connecting, she’s a little confused. She talks again about being closed off and says that this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Really? Were you featured on a previous season, Noelle?

"My heart is irreversibly broken."

Inside Matt is all glee and tells the final three that he will be taking them to Barbados for their Fantasy Overnight Dates. Ah, the moment he’s been looking forward to second most from the beginning – sleeping with Shayne.

Next week are the Fantasy Overnights! We see a shot of Matt standing on a balcony overlooking the beach and holding a diamond ring in his hand. Lies!

So what do you think? Is Matt going to chuck it all and run off with Shayne’s mom?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta