The Bachelor: Absurdity Calling

Such a dork.

The night is finally here! The Bachelor – all the way from London, England – is finally going to make up his mind and propose to his one and only true love. Who will it be? Well, first the two lucky finalists have to try and prove themselves to Matt’s British family and then take one last nose dive away from dignity in a final lunge for a rose/ring back in Barbados. Let’s get to it!

Well, what a waste of London. Here we join Matt getting ready to take his two finalists on tours of his hometown. Apparently Chelsea is first and Matt explains to us that he’s going to take her up in the London Eye, which is a giant ferris wheel that several European cities have versions of. Matt says this hasn’t been a straightforward journey with Chelsea because he hasn’t been able to tell if she’s actually into him or not. Right, like the impromptu fantasy suite invitation, the strip tease, the negligee… I wish she’d stop being so ambiguous and just put it out there already. Chelsea comes squealing along and I have to say that when she talks in falsetto tones to Matt, it seems very forced and unnatural. Up in the ferris wheel Matt points out where one of his offices is in the city – whoop-dee-do. Look kids, Big Ben! Parliament!

"I am the man."

After making out in the ferris wheel Matt and Chelsea take a miniature taxi over to his parents’ house and Chelsea chatters away to us about her relationship with Matt and how nervous she is about impressing his parents.

Welcome to Grant Manor

A stout little bearded chap meets Matt and Chelsea at the door and it turns out this jolly fellow is Matt’s brother, Simon. The name Simon over there must be like the name Dave over here because I sure do hear it a lot where the Brits are concerned. Then we meet the notorious couple responsible for Matt’s existence, Tony and Trish. How very un-British. Tony and Trish? Just hearing those names I would have pictured a double wide. On second thought, I guess there’s Tony Blair. Trish though, I’ll have to wonder about. The house is decorated like a very crowded art museum, meaning there’s hardly an inch of wall showing through all of the art pieces hanging on the walls and perched on various easels. Okay, so the Grants like art. Got it. Trish asks Chelsea what’s been the most enjoyable part of being on The Bachelor, besides meeting her prized son and lasting this long. Chelsea says she’s happy to have met someone who is so light about life, but yet serious about the important things. Simon warns Chelsea that if she wins and comes to stay with them in England, she’ll have to bring her Wellies. Ooh, ooh – I learned this one from an actual Brit! It is short for Wellingtons and it’s like galoshes. Chelsea guesses correctly that Simon is referring to rain boots, so Simon is charmed.

"This one cracked my Euro code."

After Chelsea babbles about the importance of a sense of humor, Trish tells us that Chelsea is doing a good job of selling herself, but that she doesn’t know Chelsea well enough to know if it’s genuine. Well, Chelsea is in pharmaceutical sales so her authenticity is indeed questionable. However, I do have to wonder how genuine your precious son is being around here, Trish.

Later Trish and Chelsea have some alone time for a heart to heart and Chelsea admits that she falls in love with Matt more each minute she spends with him, but she knows she’s held back because of her fear of getting hurt. Trish tells Chelsea it’s lovely to see her and Matt together because they have a very natural relationship and Matt is very much himself around her. Then she tells us she admires Chelsea for bearing her soul which isn’t easy to do.

"Oh, isn't Master Matthew perfect?"

Next Trish and Matt sit down in some room filled with stained glass versions of family crests all over the walls. Okay, so the Grants are blue bloods. Got it. I wonder if they know the Borgheses. Matt says something about piecing together the jigsaw puzzle of his life and then they burst in on Simon trying to make a move on Chelsea. Matt walks Chelsea out and she thinks that everything went wonderfully. He tells her that he adores her and keeps calling her “honey.” He tells us that he keeps thinking in the back of his mind that this could be the woman he gets engaged to. That’s thrilling. No really, it’s just so precious.

Now we cut to some stock footage of Matt strolling around London again and up skips Shayne all ready for her first European experience. I still can’t believe that the Lamases didn’t summer in Paris or something equally pretentious, but there you have it. Matt’s first big landmark for Shayne is Hyde Park, which he describes so eloquently. “So this is Hyde Park. This is a famous… park.” Tell us more, Matt! It’s like visiting the travel bureau! I notice here that for her stroll through the streets of Europe, Shane has chosen to wear a black silk opera dress and four inch heels. Well, no one said that Matt is looking for practical. They board a double-decker bus to see the sights of London and when Shayne spots the palace guards she wonders very whinily whether they don’t get really bored. She says that London is like a movie. Well yes it is, Shayne. Like Bridget Jones’ Diary or Notting Hill… is that what you had in mind?

Back at the Grant Museum Shayne meets the wonderful family and proceeds to complain about how she wasn’t allowed off the bus to shop and then she spills wine on herself. Simon looks rather concerned. He tells us that this girl doesn’t seem like Matt’s type at all.

"We've never even seen a girl that pretty in England."

Over dinner Tony finally opens his mouth and asks Shayne how old she is. She answers that she’s 12 and Tony laughs like he hasn’t laughed in years. Oh how young the sexy little bleached blonde makes him feel.

"Pick this one, boy."

Trish asks how old Shayne was when she started acting and she says that she started about 10 years ago on a soap opera and worked her way up into film. I implore you all again to visit Shayne on imdb and witness that her biggest role by far has been on this, The Bachelor. Worked her way up… yeah, from a soap opera to reality TV. Prepare for the Golden Globes, Shayne. After more grilling about her “acting career” and her stint on The Bachelor, Simon concedes to us that she had really good answers to everything and he may have misjudged her at first. Always go with your first instinct, Simon.

A little later Shayne and Simon are left alone and Shayne wants to know what Simon honestly thought of her when he first saw her. He says that he wasn’t sure why Matt was attracted to her, apart from her obvious beauty. Okay this guy is SO not American. American guys are not aware, nor do they care that there IS anything besides the obvious beauty. Anyway, Simon says that Shayne proved him wrong with her conversation abilities over lunch. Ah yes, the story of the acting career does it every time.

Next Shayne sits down with Trish and Trish says that from the moment she met Shayne she’s felt totally at ease. Shayne says that in marriage she’s not looking for a fairy tale ending, but for someone with whom she’ll be willing to get through anything. She talks about her crazy parents splitting up and remarrying several times. Trish is engrossed. Who wouldn’t be? When Shayne leaves, both Tony and Simon jump on the chance to give her the double cheek kiss, and Shayne says she’s had a beautiful time. Oh brother.

"Wait. One more, little lass."

Ah, and now for the useless conversation that The Bachelor always conducts with his family after they’ve met the two finalists. Will the Grants have the answer Matt is looking for? My guess is no, but let’s listen anyway, shall we? Matt says he feels more at ease with Shayne, but more passion for Chelsea. The parents both think Shayne is more sincere than Chelsea. What??? “Shayne” and “sincere” are two words I would have never paired together – even in the same paragraph. Simon can more easily picture Matt with Chelsea than Shayne, but the parents disagree. Okay, so the Grants want to be Hollywood groupies. Got it. Mum Grant finally says something stunningly brilliant. “What you’ve got to realize is the final decision is yours.” Really Trish? You mean Matt isn’t going to propose based on votes you all put into a hat tonight? Well, wouldn’t you know it? Matt has no idea what he’s going to do.

It’s time to return to Barbados so that Matt can have his big last chance to really let both girls think they’re going to win. Chelsea is first again and Matt immediately blindfolds her and leads her over to a helicopter pad. Chelsea screams a lot and jumps around and then they set off over the water on their way to a private beach. Matt claims that the beach is “untouched” but I call bogus. The location scout had to choose it and then the whole crew had to set up there. Sure enough, the “untouched” beach is covered in footprints when they arrive and Chelsea keeps oohing and aahing over how impressed she is with everything. She’s laying it on kind of thick, but what can she do? Matt keeps insisting he has no idea what she’s thinking. They have a little picnic and coo at each other and then they pose for this unfortunate shot.

Seriously, someone was in on this.

Chelsea says that they fit well together on the beach. Yech. They make out there on the beach and then retire to the Hilton to continue. Chelsea says it’s her last chance to let Matt know how she feels about him. Oh no, what will it be this time? Belly dancing? Snake charming? No. It’s an insulated fabric cooler labeled “Matt’s California Survival Kit” in Sharpie. Apparently this is for when Matt comes to California to visit Chelsea. The first item Matt pulls out is a little box of cereal, which Chelsea explains is to symbolize that they will have breakfast in bed together. Whatever. Next is surf wax because Chelsea wants to teach Matt how to surf. Next is a map – I guess so he can drive around California – and that seems to be about it. Once again Chelsea explains that it’s taken her a while to open up because she doesn’t want to be vulnerable. Yeah, yeah. She says she’s totally falling in love with Matt, but she doesn’t think it’s truly possible to be in love with someone unless they have the capacity to love you back.

"Wow, your bum looks great tonight."

Matt stops her and says, “Baby, I’m falling in love with you as well, you know that.” Oh really? I’d like a strip tease as proof. Actually no I wouldn’t. I just don’t believe him. Because you know he’ll say the same thing to Shayne, and he already said the same thing to Amanda and Noelle. How can you honestly be falling in love with more than one person? I don’t get it. Anyway, they make out some more and Chelsea tells Matt to not have any fun tomorrow. Matt tells us that he’s absolutely falling in love with Chelsea and he just hopes they can get through this together. Chelsea tells us she needs it to be him and her. I need this to wrap up, I’m getting hungry.

The next morning as Matt waits on the beach for Shayne, he tells us that he’s putting all thoughts of Chelsea out of his head and concentrating on Shayne. She comes running up from behind and jumps off of a small wall to wrap her legs around Matt’s waist. Here he explains that the reason he calls Shayne “monkey” is because of how she wraps around him and hangs on. Oh, that is just so adorable. Will he feed her some bananas too? I notice that it looks like someone has had yet another close encounter with the spray tanner. Shayne says that this is a very important day for her to show her feelings and prove to Matt that she wants to be with him for the rest of her life. Matt’s outing for Shayne today is parasailing. She climbs all over his back and shrieks about how excited she is.

"Parasailing is very intellectual."

As Shayne prepares to launch she tells Matt that if she doesn’t come back she wishes him and Chelsea well. Oh shut up, Shayne. As they take turns parasailing they both scream and wave a lot. Shayne gives a soliloquy of Shakespearean proportions: “Being so far, far up in the air and looking out… it’s like being an angel just flying in the sky. I was up there floating and dreaming. Dreaming of the man that I love getting down on his knee and asking me to marry him. I want Matt forever – I love him. I’m just ready.” Oh. My. Gosh. This is seriously the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever witnessed. So retarded.

Later it’s Shayne’s turn to fork over her present. She says very seriously, “This will be the most amazing gift you will ever receive from me in our entire relationship.” Shayne, can you please give it a rest? This is getting really annoying. I notice a little stuffed monkey on the bed and I throw up. Okay, so guess what the gift is. Guess what the most amazing gift Matt will ever receive ends up being. It’s a freaking series of pictures of Shayne in a bikini crawling around on the beach spelling out “I love you” in the sand with her hands. What a tremendous honor. Matt says his heart melted. Shayne says, “Do you see what it says?” Shayne, three-year-olds see what it says. Then surprise, surprise, Matt says he’s falling in love with her too. Shayne does baby talk asking if Matt likes his present and he plays with her hair. It’s a regular slumber party!

"Let's do another crank call!"

Matt leaves with the pictures and stuffed monkey and tells us that he’s totally confused and has no idea what decision he’s going to make. He does know, however, that he never regrets anything, so he knows that once he makes his decision that will be it.

The next day Matt sits alone in his hotel room with his elbows on his knees pondering, pondering. He says this is a big day when he’s going on to the next phase of his life because he’s going to go down on one knee and propose. Oh goody. He’s been looking at rings and he’s settled on a really gaudy one with three big diamonds and a million little ones all the way around the band.

Couldn't ABC spring for a Bachelor manicure?

Shout out to Tacori for product placement. Never mind that this is all a farce! Tacori is there for any proposal – real or pretend. Matt says he’s never been this nervous, he’s never been this apprehensive, and he never thought he’d fall in love with two women. Oh of course you didn’t Matt. You are an innocent bystander, just like the rest of us.

While the girls get all fancied up Matt tells us about both of them because we haven’t seen enough yet. He says that with Chelsea he’s always buzzing with excitement and with Shayne it’s all warmth, sincerity and genuineness. Yes, I would have reversed those two descriptions exactly, just based on what I’ve watched. Matt is so deluded. Chelsea puts on a white goddess-like gown and Shayne puts on a neon yellow teddy. Matt says that he’s just had to try and choose which of them he can honestly see as a lifelong partner and it’s become quite clear to him. This oughta be good.

So along comes the first limo and out pops… Chelsea. Dead woman walking. Chris Harrison silently leads her up the Path of Doom to the Proposal Platform where Matt is waiting to crush her heart to pieces.

"Geez, this is awkward. Please don't say anything, Chelsea."

Matt tells her she looks amazing and exquisite and then he launches into the rejection speech. He says he never thought he’d meet someone like Chelsea and that he’s been falling for her for a long time. He says they’ve gotten very close and shared some amazing times and he wants to thank her for that. He’s come here to find his lifelong partner and he knows Chelsea has too, and when he thinks about it long and hard… long pause… he can’t give her everything that she needs. He’s sorry she’s not the one because she’s incredible. Chelsea nods and says thank you. She says she doesn’t have any regrets and she thinks that their connection, their humor, and the things they want are so in line. She feels like Matt reassured her and gave her the okay to open up. Matt butts in and says that he was falling for her, too, but she keeps going. She says she guesses she was just too late with her feelings. Matt says that at times he thought she was the one. Well great, I bet that makes her feel a whole lot better, Matt.

"Oh... you mean I almost won?"

Okay, he’s ready to kick her into the limo so he takes her hand to lead her away. After a few steps he stops and tells Chelsea that he’s really going to miss her and this was the hardest decision ever. Chelsea starts to freak out and says she doesn’t understand because Shayne is the falsest person in the bunch. Matt defends Shayne, saying she’s not false and that clearly the person he knows is different than the person Chelsea knows, and if she dares to think for one second that Matt would ever end up with the falsest person of the bunch then she doesn’t know him at all! Chelsea just shakes her head and says, “I guess. I don’t know.” Matt’s kind of perturbed now and doesn’t hold Chelsea’s hand the rest of the way to the limo. He gives her a final hug and says again that he’s going to miss her. Oh enough already. Let’s get to the Ride of Shame.

Chelsea says that it’s the hardest thing to have just admitted to herself how much she loves Matt and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. She says that her relationships are let down after let down. She says it will be hard for her to explain what’s happened because she doesn’t even know. “He’s a fool!” Truer words were never spoken, Chelsea.

Matt is busy feeling sorry for himself about how hard that was, but he’s totally excited to propose to Shayne now. When he pictures his future with Shayne he pictures them having lots of fun, lots of affection, lots of love, and he knows she will always be there for him. Guess again, Matt. Here is the limo, and here is Shayne in her yellow underwear. Chris Harrison jauntily escorts her up the Path of Delight to the Proposal Platform.

"Step lightly, oh fortunate lady."

Matt launches into his speech, which is really quite stupid. Something about big brown eyes and too good to be true, and most importantly the words “American actress,” which is what we all know this is really all about. After he yammers some more he says he doesn’t have much more to say (could have fooled me) and then he gets down on one knee. Shayne starts hyperventilating. “Matt! Matt!” Out comes the ring and on come the tears.

Get ready...

Then comes the dumbest proposal in the history of mankind, “Monkey, will you marry me?” The monkey says yes and then mistakes her yellow dress for a banana and tries to have a snack. Then she starts screaming like she’s in the audience of TRL, “Woohoo!” just in case any MTV casting directors happen to be watching. Then Shayne says, “I will marry you under one condition – that you will never look at another woman for the rest of our lives, because you have looked at way too many during our relationship!” Oh Shayne. See? She has comic timing, too. Are we done here?

Almost. They both have to yell “I love you!” and then Matt has to offer her the final rose and she has to accept. Now there’s a montage of all things Shayne and then during the credits they coo some more. That’s enough. I’ll be back with an update on these two the minute they break up. I’m giving it six weeks, tops. What about you?

Our engagement photo

Next week! DeAnna returns in a two hour season premiere of The Bachelorette! Wait, two hours? Are we going to have some extended limo-emerging scenes, or what? Maybe the first hour will be a recap of DeAnna’s shameful jilting by Bachelor Brad. Can’t wait to find out!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta