Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Stephanie’s Bday Party This Weekend on The Hills

The many lifeless faces of Lauren Conrad

Last week on the premier of The Hills, we caught up with LC, Heidi, Whitney, and the gang. Heidi is continuing to tolerate Spencer and his intolerable ways. Heidi’s sister comes to visit, unbeknownst to Spencer, and there’s lots of faux tension and over-the-top rudeness by Spencer. Audrina is celebrating her birthday with a pretty fun looking pool party that tons of people show up to, and who now probably have credit on IMDB. Whitney reprises her role of the conversation driver as the true pro that she is. Lo becomes a raging biatch, and becomes totally and completely artificial and unsympathetic, hopefully to all of y’all too. Consequently, her ears now make her look like dumbo. That karma, she’s a bitch – just like you Lo! And then there was LC…she went on a date:

Lauren: Are you hungry?
Doug: Yeah
Lauren: So what have you been up to over the past 4 years?
Doug: Not much

For this week’s episode, I’m doing a stream of consciousness recap. Blogging as I see it, and calling it a night. That’s all this show deserves.

So here we go…
I can hear you!

Last week on The Hills…yep, I got that above already. We catch up with Stephanie and LC at FIDM, where Stephanie is practicing to be a conversation driver herself, starting her sentences with “so…” So, where do you think my Pocahontas headband went? So, do you think lip gloss is edible? So, do you want to come to my bday party this weekend? So, you have a guy in your life? OMG!

So, do you know who told me this hair style looks good on me?


Lauren is on a date with Doug at Creperie – yum! I love crepes. Especially crepes with nutella or with chocolate sauce, and sometimes with cottage cheese, but only if there’s some sugar mixed in the cottage cheese, that’s good stuff. Note to self, go to Creperie next time in LA. Lauren looks like a regular starlet in a white summer dress and big dark sunglasses. She’s probably hoping no one recognizes her. Lauren wants to find her prom pictures – Doug HAS THEM! OMFG!!! She sips on some OJ. Doug wants her to take something off, but I can’t hear what it is and I ain’t rewinding. Lauren asks Dog (switching to phonetics) what he’s doing this weekend. He just makes a face that says – anything you want master, you’re my ticket to IMDB. She invites Dog to Stephanie’s bday party this weekend – yes master. “Yay!” Ugh. I need a nap…brb.

"Roll play dead. Now fetch a scarf so I can show the world how to wear it 3 ways"

OK, back from my Lauren coma…at Epic records Audrina has a stylish new hair do, its all shiny and stylish. I wonder if she switched to a shampoo with a color locking formula. Some chick who works with her asks her the poignant question – what are you doing tonight? She’s going to Stephanie’s bday party.

Good hair!

I’m beginning to wonder if each character has been appointed their own personal conversation driver. I mean Whitney was awesome, no doubt. But she has a job now, and she can’t be everywhere at once – she’s no Holly Ghost. She’s just a young girl with a dream. You know Whitney will have ‘made it’ to the ultra elite non-sense when *she* gets her own conversation driver. I’m pulling for you Whitney.

Saint Whitney

Anyway, Audrina recounts that fascinating 2 minutes when Lo was a complete raunch to her and they decide that its Audrina vs Lo, a battle to the death! Blondes vs Brunettes! Who will win? I’m partial to the brunettes, so I say Audrina wins. She’s already a winner in my eyes, her hair looks amazing!

At People’s Republic, Whitney is once again filling in Lauren on all the basics of their jobs, to which Lauren just stares wide eyed and probably wishing when Whitney would just get back to what she’s really there for – to ask her if she’s got anything going on this week. Whitney: “You have anything going on this week?” Yes! Lauren has Stephanie’s bday party this weekend – the 67th mention in 5min of Stephanie’s bday party. I wonder what’ll happen there.

OK, vomit time – We join Speidi at Don Antonio’s where Heidi is still looking like she had a face reduction – her features are so big it’s crazy. She’s like a project gone wrong in Photoshop.

Looks natural to me

Anyway, there’s all sorts of fake melodramatics about Stephanie’s freaking bday party this weekend. You know how it all went even if you didn’t watch – Spencer is freaking out about his sister socializing with his worst enemy. And Heidi backing up who ever she’s talking to; tonight it’s Spencer and his crazy eyes. Heidi thinks they should go to Stephanie’s bday party this weekend, Spencer just keeps shaking his head vehemently, like someone just told him he has to go and get a job now.

Uh-uh, no way, no how

Commercial – Pantene’s beautiful lengths shampoo makes your hair grow longer, faster! Ahh, sweet, I’ll be purchasing some of that.

Oh my gosh, there’s 18 more minutes.

Stephanie is turning 22. Lauren gives a soliloquy in the bathroom on trusting people:
“I think that a lot of times, I trust people I shouldn’t and it turns out right, and it makes me feel a little bit better about it.”

Audrina shows her face in the bathroom of the blondes! Tension and weird looks ensue. The girls are rubbing their arms in discomfort, and seriously dramatic horror music comes on. Go brunettes!

Bathroom Tensions

Whitney is at a company dinner party, and their talking shop. Kelly Cutrone is laying down the law – “its my company…” therefore I will act like a horrible monster. Poor Whitney.

Lo and Lauren are on their way to Stephanie’s bday party tonight…and Lauren quotes Rodney Glen King in passing “can’t we all just get along?” Whoa – this gets Lo’s blood pumping because she replies in decibels almost inaudible by the human ear – “we ARE all just getting along!” You better watch your step Lauren! You might be the star of the show, but Lo has some massive ears she can slap you around with. Lo then strikes an imperious blow and says “the ones who matter are getting along. The rest will be taken care of with social evolution.”

"If they don't watch their step, I will have them executed"

Stephanie’s bday party this weekend is at Boulevard 3 – been there, done that – with Honey Gangsta no less. And let me just say my bday party last year was at the equally fabulous Cabana Club, just down the street. I miss L.A.

♫ I love LA - we love it! ♪

Uh oh, here comes Audrina in an ultra mini-dress. Frankie, Brody, Dog and the usual suspects show up to Stephanie’s bday party? OK. More credits on IMDB.

At Boulevard 3, Lo says to Audrina – “How are you? You look pretty.” And the camera angle of her crazy crossed eyes and the shadowing of the lights above (and her tone, and her insincerity…etc) makes her look pure evil. Audrina just looks at her, trying desperately to decode what she means. Then Lo, in a truly evil, evil way laughs at her, then says “I’m glad we talked,” puts on a frozen serious face and turns away. Oh snap - one point for the blondes.

Evil, Evil Lo...Evilo

Here comes Spencer, bringing a bus load of tacky balloons, just to tip the obnoxious scale to an all time high. Oh no, Lauren, Brody, and everyone else who has become a mortal enemy to Spencer becomes incredulous that this is happening. Lo’s mouth has frozen agape. Everyone is uncomfortable, while Stephanie declares that “this is the best birthday I’ve ever had.”

Douch Baggery

Brody takes off, saying he doesn’t want any drama – good for him. He snaps his fingers and the crew bounce with him. But before he goes, Lauren orders Frankie to say happy birthday to Stephanie (whom he just met). Nice going Lauren, way to be a bitch in front of Dog.

Things are totally uncomfortable and awkward, everyone is dying to ask Heidi whether she had her eyes enlarged or her face reduced, but no one has the cojones. Lo lays down the law – “let’s go. Seriously, let’s go.” Lauren says – how high?

"Spencer said it looks proportional"

Heaven help me, there’s 7 more minutes.

At Stephanie’s apartment, Spencer shows up, and in case you didn’t know, he’s “Heidi’s boyfriend.” Yet Stephanie is labeled “Spencer’s sister.” Interesting. “What’s going on?” Spencer came to talk about everything that went down last night at Stephanie’s bday party. OK, seriously? This whole episode was leading up to Stephanie’s bday party, then it happened and consequently not that much happened, and now we’re going to talk about what happened at Stephanie’s bday party?

Don’t think so - I’m done. See y’all next week!

Even Stephanie is over it!

Hold up, Whiney just got offered a job that would require her to have a bi-coastal lifestyle. Awesome – Whitney, you rule!


Paul said...

If there's one thing in my life that could push me over the edge into true clinically-diagnosed bi-polar psychosis, it's gotta be the Hills. I truly look forward to each episode, but as soon as Heidi or Spencer hits the screen I’m overcome with a sense of hatred so thorough and all-engulfing that I feel like I’ve been dunked in a swimming pool filled with uncomfortably-warm, viscous hatred while somebody keeps me submerged by standing on my shoulders. Heidi reminds me almost exactly of Miss Piggy: both were made from scratch in someone’s lab and given grossly accentuated features, an awful personality, and then breathed to life in such a hyperbolic way that I now routinely have nightmares about being attacked by anthropomorphic creatures. I hate Heidi so much that she makes me hate Jim Henson for inventing the muppets in the first place. Without exaggeration, I think that nothing would please more than watching Heidi get run over by a semi.

Well, nothing except than if the driver realized his mistake, slammed on the brakes, and backed over Spencer. Then drove forward and in reverse a few times over each of their crushed, soulless bodies to be sure they’re dead. And then let’s say it’s an oil tanker and the driver centers the payload above the scene of impact, cuts a line, and flips a lit match to start off a glorious bonfire of the ultimate douche couple of all time.

Eventually though, the credits roll and I realize that I’ve spent another half hour rapt with attention to these crushingly vapid people. The hatred then subsides to an equally strong admiration of the producers: what genius came up with the idea of a reality TV program where the cast is told to never break character and admit that they are actually on a reality TV program? It’s brilliant because if anyone on the show develops an awareness that the show is a TOTAL joke, then they can claim to only be acting. I used to think the cast members were so stupid that their total lack of awareness or acknowledgement of the fact that they’re on TV wasn’t staged… but now that all these harlots are releasing ridiculously bad clothing lines and launching utter abortions of music careers, maybe it’s the other way around? And perhaps they don’t know when the cameras are actually OFF, so they constantly act like fictional, self-absorbed caricatures of folks striving to make it in LA? Anyway the fact that their clothing and albums sell means that I’m in the minority of viewers who grasp the show on this level, so I get to pat myself on the back and wah-lah, I’m back on even keel.

Honey Gangsta said...

I love how you called the People's Revolution the People's Republic. HA! Take that, Kelly Cutrone! You are not staging a fashion revolution, you are simply the evil dictator of a fashion republic. I also love that you called the Holy Ghost the Holly Ghost.

Also, the pictures of Heidi are amazing. She is such a miserable person nowdays. Congrats on ruining your own life, biz-natch!

Gerber Daisy said...

Lauren is a FIDM Impostor. with a rich daddy.
she has not even graduated. i do not think she even completed the two classes she took at FIDM she only shows up for class if they are taping. the teachers and admissions can not stand her, and that is the inside scoop!