Date My Ex: Sexy Spa Time... Or Is It?

"Welcome to my sexy vat of crap!"

Welcome, one and all, to another episode of Date My Ex. To those of you out there with the amazing stamina it must take to keep tuning in to read about Jo De La Rosa as if she were the least bit important, I thank you heartily. As insulting as this show is, I love writing the recaps and seeing what you all have to say about it. It amuses me to no end. Join me please, as we continue our thrilling saga.

We join Jo in her confessional, telling us with her sly and manipulative facial expressions that since this week she is taking the guys out on dates she thought she’d mix things up a little and send THEM the polka dot hat box. Sure enough, it’s sitting there on “Slade’s” kitchen counter in the middle of their breakfast buffet in all of its orange glory. I guess the hot pink one opted out of this round.

Can anyone read?

There is a note addressed “To the Cute Boys,” showcasing Jo’s overwhelmingly extensive vocabulary for us once again and we read: “Hi Boys, I’m springing a really hot date on you. Pack an overnight bag and meet me at my house at 10A.” Then Jo has actually deigned to pick up a pen and write something herself. “Can’t wait to see you!!! –Jo. xoxoxo” And she’s decorated this part with a heart and a smiley face. Oh, isn’t she just the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen? Inside the box is a different colored gel spa mask for each guy, and none of them have any idea what they are. Slade announces that this is, in fact, the long anticipated Second Date, and the guys all sigh a little upon realizing it will be a group date and it will include Slade. Each guy takes a turn telling us he’s happy to be going on this second date – how fascinating. Jo tells us that she thinks forcing the guys to live with Slade has made them hold back a bit, but she still wants Slade to stick around and keep an eye on everyone. Keep an eye on them? For what? Continued defense of Jo’s untarnished honor?

Jo – complete with both airhead girlfriends – has rented a huge tour bus and loads everyone on it to head out to Palm Springs. As they set out, our resident genius Zack the Model tells us he’s happy to have a good amount of time to spend with Jo, which Slade quickly interrupts to tell him that he’ll be lucky if he gets a good amount of time with Jo because after all, no one knows how long this trip will last.

"I said, shut your face, Jo!"

Jo looks at Slade and puts on her hugest flirty smile – ugh I just want to slap her snotty little face. Zack asks if the guys can take turns sitting next to Jo and Jo charitably agrees. Slade proceeds on the road trip stewing in his own disgust with the whole situation. You only have yourself to thank, Slade, you freaking idiot. This is your party.

Upon arriving in Palm Springs Jo tells us she’s here with the best of the best. That’s so funny. The best from a slew of total morons? Congrats, Jo. We’re all really jealous. She describes them as “passionate, affectionate, spontaneous, adventurous…” basically every quality she looks for in a guy. Notice she didn’t say “intelligent, reasonable, kind or humble.” Jo knows what she wants! She thinks she’s going to get to know them on a deeper level. If you mean that you’ll literally be underground, then rock on Jo. Otherwise, we are as deep as we’re ever going to be. She has brought the guys to a freaking spa. You know, because guys love going to the spa and do so every time they get a chance. Self absorbed people always assume that their dates should be fixated on their own lame pastimes. Everyone gets into the swimming pool and then Jo announces that she’s taking Chuck away for some private time.

If you’ll recall, Chuck is the clinical pharmacist who took Jo wine tasting and now he is lucky enough to join her for a dual clay treatment. Jo maintains that she’s doing everyone a huge favor. The spa staff starts spreading clay on the happy couple and then Chuck asks if he can take a turn spreading clay on Jo, and again, Jo magnanimously assents. He rubs it on her arms while they talk about how shy he is and Jo tells us that Chuck managed to make clay really sexy. Of course.

Meanwhile, Brunette Friend is in the pool trying to find out if the guys are all here for the right reasons. They assure her they are, but that Slade makes them very uncomfortable. Well, Brunette Friend is convinced! Every last one of these guys has nothing but the purest of intentions.

Chuck and Jo shower off each other’s clay in yet another of Jo’s “sexy” moments. Snooze fest.

Even Chuck is falling asleep.

Jo takes another confessional to grin at us and convince us of how cute and desirable she is by telling us about the dinner “she” arranged for the cute boys. Do you think she sits in front of the mirror and practices these facial expressions? Seriously, she is under the impression that no one can resist her clever little smile. At dinner Jo thanks everyone for being there and tells the guys she knows this hasn’t been easy. Slade butts in – again – saying yes it has been totally easy for these guys. All they’ve done is take Jo on a date and hung out in the pool. It pains me to admit it, but Slade has a point. Granted I know that Jo meant EMOTIONALLY this hasn’t been easy, but please. Who are we kidding? Zack the Model pipes up and says he’s felt very uncomfortable all this time in front of Slade. Jo delights in Zack’s honesty. Oh yes, he’s a paragon of honorable behavior.

Slade privately tells us that this is the first time he hasn’t been in control of the situation. Well, remember Slade, “You Can’t Control Me!” The guys go around the table complaining about how awkward this is. Yes. We get it. This is the most retarded situation ever and you’re all kicking yourselves for volunteering for it. Need we beat it further into the ground?

Later in the Deep Thinking Chamber, otherwise known as the girls’ room, the girls sit around talking about how totally awkward that bus ride was today on the way to Palm Springs. Like, all the guys totally wanted to be near Jo and touching her, and like Slade was all like pouty and stuff. Jo continues to carefully dissect just how uncomfortable all of this is and why. Yes, there’s that dead horse again. Jo says it’s hard because you never totally get over your ex, to which Blonde Bangs pipes up, “Well not the one who’s the love of your life.” Can Slade please just make a declaration so that we can end this charade and put everyone out of their misery? Please? I’m keeping my fingers crossed that’s how this episode will end.

"You guys, I have to go to bed. I've never
thought this much in my whole life!"

And in the Even Deeper Thinking Chamber, the guys continue to discuss… the EXACT SAME THING! Wow this is awkward. Wow I really want to be affectionate with Jo, but Slade makes it hard. Wow, Slade still really likes Jo. Wow does she like him back? Wow I wish I could just really make out with her, but Slade is always in the way. On and on… and on. Lucas finally tells us that it doesn’t bother him so much because Slade’s stated reason for being here is to find Jo a good man, and he, Lucas, is a really good man. Hmm, logic. And that IS what Slade has told everyone. Lucas is a fool to believe it, but kudos for actually saying something different, Lucas. He advises the other guys to get used to Slade because no matter who ends up with Jo, Slade will always be there. Another good point… that should send them all running.

The next morning everyone except Slade gathers around the breakfast table. What a fortunate coincidence! Jo sits at the head of the table petting her hair and reiterating just how weird this all is. She wants to clear the air lest any of the guys think she still has feelings for Slade. Chris immediately says he DOES think Jo still has feelings for Slade, but Lucas overshadows him by saying that Slade still has feelings for Jo. Of course, that’s the part Jo chooses to hear. Slade arrives when the producers allow him and Jo immediately asks if she can talk to him in private.

It seems that Jo no longer feels it necessary to have Slade keeping an eye on everybody and it’s actually just become downright weird, so Jo thinks it’s best if Slade is no longer here. As we head out to suspenseful commercial, a little Bravo promo comes on asking us if we want to hear about Slade and Jo’s first kiss and if so, we should log on to Bravo.com. What? NO, we don’t want to hear about Slade and Jo’s first kiss! Are they kidding? Who cares!? Isn’t this SUPPOSEDLY all about Jo moving on? Great, sit her down and let her expand at length on her first kiss with Slade. That’s very useful and highly interesting. Enough already!

And back from break we rewind a little for Jo to once again order Slade to leave. Slade tells us that he’s really, really hurt, but he agrees it’s best for him to step aside at this juncture, so he slinks away in his manpris. (In case you don’t know that word, manpris are Capri pants being worn by a male. Also called Peter Panpris when the male in question appears to be a perpetual child. Quite apropos here, I would say.) The cameras gather to film Slade being driven off of the spa property in a town car and maybe we can finally move on with this crap.

Jo announces that it is now Chris’s turn for private time and they go to have a joint watsu treatment. Watsu is apparently where you float in a pool and pay a “therapist” to move your arms and legs around as you surrender to the water. Are you serious? I mean, yes, it sounds nice, but really? I can charge people to float in my pool while I wiggle their arms? I think I have an idea for a business venture. Jo tells us that this watsu with Chris is – what else? – sexy. They’re in their bathing suits and touching each other, oh my gosh!

Don't kid yourself. This takes years of training.

After the “therapists” are done working their magic, Jo and Chris huddle at the side of the pool and Jo goes into her “provocative” mode. She tilts her head down, looking up at Chris from under her fake eyelashes and talks in a very soft baby voice, asking what he wants out of all of this. This little act is so studied that Jo could probably write a dissertation on it if she were literate. Chris totally buys it, telling Jo he’s here for her and he’s so happy to have had the opportunity to meet her. Then he asks what she wants out of this. Jo says she wants a guy who will make her happy. Of course she does. She’s not looking for a soul mate, a partner, someone to share her life. She’s definitely not looking for someone whom she can make happy. Oh no. Jo is in this for Jo. Which of these guys can most adequately make JO happy? And for how long? I added that last question. Jo latches around Chris’s neck and continues the doe eyes from under the polyester lashes, blinking, biting her lip, blinking again. Chris has no response. What’s the problem? These little tricks have never failed in the past! What on earth is wrong with Chris that he’s not kissing her right now? Is he mentally impaired? Chris gets a half a point from me for NOT kissing Jo. It’s the first sane thing I’ve seen here.

Jo pulls out all the stops. And is denied.

Now it’s Lucas’s turn and he and Jo head for their spa treatment in what looks like pools of soil. I’ll give you one guess as to whether this “spa treatment” is okay with Jo. “It’s diiiirteeee, it’s iiickeeee, it’s smelleeeeee! It isn’t sexeeeeee, waaaaaaaaah!”

"I'm mudeeeeeee! I'm not paying for this!"

They immediately climb out of the slop and take a sexy shower together to wash each other off. After that they sit down under a tree for Jo to renew her performance. She sits on Lucas’s lap and sticks out her bottom lip, fluttering her eyelashes at him. Will it work this time? Will Lucas make a move? From out of nowhere a cat comes walking along and Lucas reaches out to pet it, saying, “Kitty wants some love.” Jo is about to come out of her skin. What is WRONG with these guys? She looks at Lucas and says, “Jo wants some love.” Really Jo? It’s come to this? Lucas obliges and they give each other a tight lipped kiss that doesn’t look sexy at all. Nevertheless, Jo beams to the camera and tells us that Lucas is a really good kisser. Sure he is.

The final outing is a couples massage with Zack the Model next to a lake. As they lie on neighboring tables holding hands Zack spouts off about not liking Slade. Then he dismisses the masseuses and asks if he can massage Jo. What do you think? Of course he can and he does. This is so boring.

"I wonder how tan I'll get only halfway out of the blanket."

Later the two of them sit in spa robes and kiss while Jo shows Zack all of her teeth. Zack says he’s thinking about the other guys, to which Jo says, “Zack, shut up!” and she proceeds to suck his face some more. Jo finishes this off by thanking Zack for her massage in baby talk.

At the conclusion of this display all four guys gather around a table where Jo and her friends are sitting. Blonde Bangs informs them that they will not be traveling back to LA with Jo, but will be going separately and then Jo will have to make her Elimination Decision. The guys climb into the tour bus and Jo and the gals continue to sip their tea, or whatever it is they’re doing.

Back in LA the girls sit down for YET ANOTHER analysis with Jo. Once again she yammers about Slade and how weird it was to have him there, but how weird it was to send him home. But on to the next step! Jo definitely knows ONE of the guys she will dismiss, but she gets really confused when she tries to decide who else to send away. And here is an earnest quote from our beloved heroine: “It’s like having four really cute pairs of shoes and not knowing which one you want to pick, so you just buy them all! But I can’t do that.” Yes, beloved readers, this is just like picking between four really cute pairs of shoes. Or four really cute headbands. Or four really cute scarves. What about four really cute colors of nail polish? Or four really cute eye shadows? Actually, we know from watching this that Jo NEVER chooses one makeup over another, but just wears all of them at the same time, all the time. Layer upon layer.

The next few minutes are a big waste of time (unlike the rest of this show) where the guys just sit around wondering what their chances might be for being chosen to stay in the house. Slade also makes an appearance to insult everyone and everyone feels really awkward. Blah, blah, blah.

Jo comes over in a slutty outfit to make sure Slade is okay with being thrown off of the spa date. Slade says that he has a lot of emotions about all of this and he’s really been thinking about everything, but can he help Jo decide whom to keep? Jo says nope, she’s already decided everything and doesn’t need any help. Wow, slap in the graying facial hair, Slade.

Who will "just be friends?"

FINALLY we get to the elimination ceremony. Each guy takes a turn making a case for himself. Lucas says that Jo makes him smile all the time and he knows Jo has dated lots of different guys, but that he is really well rounded, so he hopes she chooses him. Chuck says that when he first met Jo he knew she was beautiful and as he got to know her he felt a connection and he hopes they’ll get to continue that. Zack says that from the moment he and Jo laid eyes on each other they had an unbelievable amount of chemistry and attraction and it keeps on building as they spend time together. He wants to see where the relationship can go. Chris says that what he loves about Jo is her smile and how she laughs about everything. Also that she makes him feel comfortable in every situation. Wow, those were very profound and touching speeches all the way around. How will Jo ever choose? Ugh, now Jo goes around saying what she likes about each guy, but I honestly dozed off. I can’t listen to her drone on anymore. PICK SOMEONE!

Chuck, you’re out of here. Jo thinks you should just be friends. Chuck tells us he would have liked to get to know Jo more, but whatever. It’s time for a commercial. And when we come back… it’s Zack the Model who has to leave! They should just be friends. And now Zack decides to make a speech, otherwise people might see this and think he’s some kind of loser. He says, “Okay. I guess it works out all right because I really had a hard time not thinking about Brunette Friend when I was with you. And I don’t know if that’s something I could have gotten over anyway.” Oh, good call Zack. You really saved face there. Now no one will ever think that you are any kind of idiot or fool. Now back to your jewelry repping and hobby modeling. I don’t know how the world managed without you while you pretended to date Jo.

"Thank goodness I think so quick on my feet!"

Well! There is stunned silence following this upheaval. Lucas and Chris can’t believe their ears. Slade points out that Zack didn’t have the guts to pass in front of him on his way out, but instead squeezed away between Blonde Bangs and Chris. Jo is of course mightily shocked, but relieved to know she made the right decision. Yes Jo, we’re all so proud of you. Slade announces to the group that Zack is a piece of trash. Oh is he, Slade? Thanks. He was a piece of trash all along. Saying something mean to Jo was maybe the only real thing he did. Anyway, moving on from the brouhaha, Blonde Bangs begins to deliver her wrap-up speech when Slade interrupts and announces he has something to say. He takes Jo’s hands in his and tells her that he didn’t expect to have unresolved feelings for her, but now he must do something about it. With that he marches up onto the elimination platform with the other guys and tells Blonde Bangs he wants to take Jo on a date. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call the “anti-surprise.” Unfortunately this didn’t end the wretched series and we’re still going to have another episode.

Next week we pick back up right where we leave off and see Chris storming away, saying he’s withdrawing from the competition. Can I just beg to the Reality gods that he really will withdraw from the competition and so will Lucas, and Slade and Jo will get sterilized and go on with their pathetic lives unfilmed? That would be the greatest ending to a reality series EVER! Tune in to see Jo try to cry.

Are you all in stunned shock like me? Do tell me all!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta