Thursday, September 04, 2008

Date My Ex: A Classic Bro-Mance


"At last. The grand culmination of our charade."

I feel it only fair to warn you that tonight's episode of Date My Ex takes about 30 seconds worth of information and stretches it into an entire hour of sub-par programming. I kid you not. It is my pleasure to bring to you a retelling of this programming, along with my own thoughts on the matter, so read on if you dare. See you on the flipside!

And the maddening suspense continues. Remember, Slade has just inserted himself in between Chris and Lucas and announced to Blonde Bangs that he wants to take Jo on a date too. The first thing that happens is that Jo and Blonde Bangs take an opportunity to showcase their acting skills. Apparently no one ever taught either of them that subtlety comes across well on film. Blonde Bangs does a huge double take and Jo furrows her brows as if she's trying to clinch a quarter in between them. Then as Slade walks away from her up to the Elimination Platform, Jo stands there with her hand still hanging out in midair where Slade grabbed it and she does a slow motion pivot to see where Slade is going - all the while brows remaining furrowed. Oh yes Jo. I totally believe that you are completely caught off guard and confused. NO ONE saw this coming.


"Do you get that I'm surprised?"

Lucas and Chris take turns telling us that Slade has turned on them - because wasn't he supposed to be here to help Jo find a new boyfriend? Also that Slade is jealous and just doesn't want to see Jo with anyone else. Do you think so, boys? Excellent detective skills you've got. It's really a shame that you have to lose your new good friend Slade this way - you know, finding out that he's actually here for his own selfish reasons and not to be your advocate. Over on HER platform Jo has started giggling and tells Slade, "okay." As in, "Okay, you can take me on a date and we'll get back together. That was the point of all this anyway." Immediately after this comes out of her mouth Chris storms off of the platform, profanity flying, declaring he's had enough of this. Lucas follows suit. YES! AT LAST something reasonable happens on this ridiculous excuse for a saga. Both suitors claim they've been tricked and they no longer wish to be present. RUN boys! Jo scampers after the guys, whining that she had no idea Slade was going to do that. Um, that's hardly the point at present, Jo. The point now is that you told him he COULD. Jo tells us privately that when she realized she had gone chasing after Chris and Lucas, she knew she was much more emotionally involved than she thought. Oh PLEASE! You know you just couldn't let this end without a final battle between old hat and new fish. Emotionally involved... right.

Anyway, the arguing continues on the front porch. Chris says it would be one thing if Jo were to choose Lucas because at least that's honorable, but SLADE? What a joke. Jo is insulted and claims that there is nothing on earth she could have done more in Palm Springs to show how genuine she is about all of this. True. Everyone knows a relationship is not serious until you have a joint watsu treatment. Chris points out that if Jo has no intentions of getting back together with Slade, then why would she accept a date with him? Jo says what else could she do, embarrass him in front of everybody? Oh, heaven forbid Jo. This whole mess is really something to be proud of, so smart move to not embarrass Slade at this point. Jo keeps saying, "It's just a DINNER!" but Chris isn't having it. Even Lucas tries to persuade him to stay (what happened to your resolve, Lucas?) but nothing works. GO CHRIS!

Jo tells us that Chris and Lucas should be confident enough to know by now that dinner with her ex won't change what she has with them. Is she out of her mind? These guys are total strangers to her! Confidence in what? Those two staged afternoons they each spent with her while Slade breathed down their necks? She's right, they should be MUCH more confident in their relationships by now. Here's where Blonde Bangs comes to comfort Jo and Jo does her best to make a tear run down her cheek. Nothing doing. No tear is getting past that vast barrier of makeup and all Jo can do is whine and blink a lot. Oh brother, here comes Slade to add his two cents. Gee Slade, what brilliant insight might you have to contribute? Well what he says is that Chris and Lucas are all happy as long as this is easy, but the minute it becomes a challenge they want to run away. Um, how about the minute they realize that they've been used as pawns in an elaborate scheme to reunite the Smiley/De La Rosa Power Couple they want to run away? Why should they bother once the truth is revealed? But of course, Jo just listens to Slade and nods. She realizes Slade is right (as always); these guys don't have the guts to deal with this once it becomes difficult. Slade knows her better than anyone. Slade is her manager. Slade got her on television... oh what to do?

Back from commercial, we get the highly disappointing news that Lucas was able to convince Chris to stay. Oh Chris. You were the first guy to have any sense of dignity and now you've blown that. I give up - you deserve what you get from here on out. He and Lucas sit around discussing the fact that Slade is a tool bag and they can't let him get Jo back now or else he wins and they just succumb to his plan. Oh, so you admit it's a plan? Good call to stick around then, and see how it plays out. Knock knock at the door. It's Jo to talk to Chris. Chris pouts. Jo pouts. Makeup sparkles. "It's just a DINNER!" Jo was put on the spot; she didn't know Slade was going to do that! Yeah, we got that the first 20 times you said it. Any new arguments Jo? She ends up kneeling in front of Chris and begging him to stay. Nice dating competition for yourself you've created here, Jo. Begging your contestants to stay? Apparently Chris isn't the only one unconcerned with preserving any dignity. Chris says he'll stay if Slade goes, to which Jo agrees. Then she does a sultry maneuver and puts her hands all over Chris's head and they kiss a little. Phew! What a relief we got all that straightened out. Now the nightmare can continue.


"But Jo, why are your pupils red flames?"

Next Jo goes to Lucas, who also asks if Slade can go and Jo again says yes. But now she has to tell Slade he's out, which Jo tells us is really difficult. Boo hoo. After she breaks the news, Slade tells us that Jo chose Chris's feelings over his. Well yes, Slade. You're her EX BOYFRIEND. And you're here to help her find a NEW BOYFRIEND. Are any of you geniuses realizing yet that you're the only ones who thought this was a good idea and that anyone would believe it? Slade goes into snotty mode, saying that Jo choosing the two new guys over him tells him everything he needs to know. He even calls them "pussy-boys." Well that's mature. And reasonable. And worth airing on television. And watching. Jo says, "I can't believe you put me through this!" and storms away. I find MYSELF getting very emotionally involved in this. Wait, no I don't.

The next day Slade decides to lay low to let everybody's temper cool down, including his. I guess mine will have to wait because I can still see his annoying face. Chris and Lucas have breakfast and practically sing each other a medley about being brand new best friends no matter what happens with Jo. Ah, destiny. At least this nonsense brought these two together. Lucas gets ready for his date with Jo and then we pop over to Jo's apartment, where she comes out of the bathroom in a slutty negligee to go out on the town, per usual. Oh puke, Slade calls. He tells Jo it would be good to spend time together and talk about some stuff. Oh, you mean HAVE A DATE? Are we on a loop? Didn't we settle this already? Apparently not, because Jo says that yes, they need to talk. She tells us that even though she told the others she wouldn't see Slade, she and Slade have a lot of "issues" they need to talk about. Of course you do. This entire show was created for the sole purpose of creating an arena for you two to publicly discuss your issues.

Oh here's Lucas. As he comes in Jo asks how he always looks so cute whenever she sees him. All in baby talk, naturally. Lucas says he's still feeling a little confused, but he's pretty sure he knows that Jo doesn't still like Slade. Jo says, "Are you sure you know that?" Way to further your own cause, brainiac. They head to a restaurant where Jo says the table setting is cute and they have cute dinner. Over dinner we find out that Lucas wants to retire early - you don't say! And that he wants to find a girl who's hot but also has substance. Ah, the eternal quest. Good start, there with Jo De La Rosa. There's a major problem with your quest Lucas - besides Jo. YOU don't have any substance. Why would a girl with substance want you? Jo says she wants someone special whom she can call and tell all about her day and she feels like Lucas is that guy. Hmm, sounds complicated. Someone to listen to her alternate between bitching and bragging? Every day? Line up, guys! They have dessert outside and Jo French kisses her fork and tries to feed Lucas while batting her eyes and licking her lips. Just ugly.


"Here comes the sexy choo-choo..."

Lucas hands her a gift box, earning himself a "You're cute!" Inside the box is a charm bracelet, with each charm representing Jo's escalating levels of obnoxiousness. Guess what - it's cute! They go back to Jo's apartment to make out for a while and mercifully we only have to see a few seconds of it. Lucas tells us he didn't get home until really late and he smiles all huge while he says it. What a conquest you've made, Lucas.


Hardly anyone makes it to the top of Jo's Peak.

The next morning Jo does the same huge smile thing while she tells her idiot friends that SHE had a late night, wink, wink. Ugh, what is next, for crying out loud? Chris is shaving to get ready for his date and he summons Lucas to come in and shave the back of his neck. I really could have done without seeing that. Slade makes fun of Chris and Lucas at length and calls their relationship a "bro-mance," which is accurate. But hey, at least they're not hovering around their ex-girlfriends trying desperately to remain relevant. Chris shows up at Jo's with a gift of his own for her. She tears it open right away and it's the lyrics to some country song in a frame. Also the CD containing the song. Jo baby-whispers, "thank you." Yes, thank you Chris. You printed something out on the computer, how special. Jo is clearly highly disappointed at the lack of cash value.


"But you could have taken a minute to think about what I would like."

They head off for dinner where Chris starts dragging his sleeve through his food and Jo comes after him with a napkin. Oh this is so romantic. Jo tells Chris a secret - she's afraid of the dark and she still sleeps with a bear her dad gave her when she was little. That is the best story I've ever heard! Now Chris makes the fatal error of suggesting that he and Lucas could hang out with Jo and her friends. Jo is flabbergasted. She can't believe that Chris could be such good friends with another guy Jo is dating! Is she kidding? They know each other better than they know her! They've also been sequestered together while Slade torments them, what does she possibly expect? She asks Chris if Lucas would come along to Thanksgiving and Christmas parties if she and Chris were to end up together. Chris brilliantly retorts with, "Would Slade?" EXACTLY. It's the whore calling the slut a tramp. Jo acts appalled and says no, but I think we all know the real answer to that. Enough of this. Chris and Jo proceed to the Century City twin towers for dessert. I used to work there! Nothing says romance like the office of your former evil boss, right? Anyway, they eat ice cream and kiss and I was so over this weeks ago. Can I just say again that Jo looks like the world's worst kisser?


She pretty much doesn't move from this.

Chris comes home and chats it up with his boyfriend-alternate Lucas. They giggle about being BFF's and then head off to bed to snuggle. Jo tells the Ditz Twins that she had fun and they nod thoughtfully, or at least try to. Jo has no idea who to pick, if you can imagine.


"There's a draft, so I wore my glitter scarf."

For our final scene of the evening, Slade meets Jo at a park in Beverly Hills. He has a picnic basket full of food from Jo's favorite restaurant. Oh, that was nice of him to make - no wait, he didn't make anything he just got take out. Jo acts like he just jumped into a volcano to save her puppy. She says it proves that no one knows her like Slade does. I really hate to burst your bubble, Jo. I really do, but I bet either Chris or Lucas could also pick up take out from that SAME restaurant.


"Aw, crap. I forgot your Pelligrino."

Slade says he's sorry about ruining the Elimination Ceremony last week, but that he still really loves her. He gives a soliloquy about Jo being the first person he ever loved - this from a man with children - and that Jo actually taught him how to love. I had to pause to literally vomit my guts out, and I came back just in time to see Slade saying he has one final question: He needs to know if Jo still has feelings for him. We are treated to an ultra-close-up of Jo's makeup glistening in the Beverly Hills sun and then we fade away. TO BE CONTINUED!

They are honestly going to drag this out another week, but thanks be to glory, next week is the finale! I'm predicting Jo will say of course she still has feelings for Slade; she always will, he was her first love. But she needs some time to sort things out. Then she'll sequester herself for the rest of the episode and we'll have to hear her ponder everything (and nothing) 45 times while the guys elate in their new bro-mance and they WILL drag it out for an hour. Who will Jo choose? Does anyone on EARTH care?

What are your predictions for next week? How will they spend their final useless hour of airtime? Any guesses?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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