The Bachelor: Opening Up a Can of Crazy

Don't forget the tongue, Jason.

Are you all ready for the Hometown Dates on The Bachelor? As a special Valentine's Day present to you all, this recap is extremely tardy. You're welcome.

We open with Jason packing with Ty yet once again. This poor little boy isn't even going to remember who his daddy is by the time Jason finally prances in toting his new woman. Jason asks Ty how many shirts he should bring with him on his hometown dates and Ty says, "Can't you just be my daddy?" Okay so he didn't say that, but he would if he were cognitively advanced enough.

"Who are you again?"

Here we go with a big flashback of Jillian and her food games from the earlier episodes. I guess we're heading to Canada first to eat some hot dogs. Did you know that Jillian is smart and funny and Jason's life with her would be one non-stop adventure after another? Oh puh-lease. One food test after another, more like. Oh wait, we're doing summaries of all four girls it looks like, and Molly is next. Molly has the prettiest eyes Jason has ever seen, so he better get over to the jewelry store quick. He also likes the fact that she was willing to sleep with him on the first date. He's worried, though, that he can't get deep enough with her, but meeting her family should help with that. On to Naomi. Naomi is incredible and loves to travel. She is a free spirit and very passionate. She's like, totally serious about getting married and being a mom. But is she really ready for Jason's life? Can she fall in line and shut up about it? Well, Jason will be the one to decide that. And as for Melissa. Well Jason just couldn't imagine someone so beautiful and fun actually being serious about being a mom. But guess what. Melissa wants to be a mom, too! She also cried on the General Hospital date because she likes Jason so darn much. But are things too perfect with Melissa? Could it be true that she doesn't have one fault in the world? Let's find out.

First stop, some city in Canada. It looks drizzly and depressing, go figure. As Jason gets out of his car Jillian pounces on him with hot dogs. Just kidding, no hot dogs. Apparently this city is not exactly Jillian's hometown, but it's where she spent all of her summers and holidays growing up and it's where her parents live now. There is a story about some loch ness monster that lives in the local lake and how Jillian once touched it when she was little. This must be an example of the non-stop adventures Jason mentioned earlier. They tour a winery (which is beautiful, but not nearly as beautiful as Jillian - barf). They sit down with some wine in front of a fireplace and Jillian dives into a story a-boat her family.

"Cheers to us, a-gane."

Apparently Jillian's mother suffers from severe depression and has even tried to commit suicide. Welcome to the family, Jason! The point of all this is that everything is all better now and Jillian's parents are amazing. Jason is happy to finally see Jillian cry.

Now it's on to meet Jillian's parents. The happy couple pulls up to the house, which is painted red and white with a huge red maple leaf in the middle, and when they walk in the door they are immediately surrounded by huge Canadian flags and welcome home banners. The dad runs up to Jason and wraps him up in a Canadian flag. Why are Canadians so proud of themselves? What have they ever done? What?

"You ever hear of Canadian bacon?"

Jason shakes the mom's hand and says, "I've heard so much about your depression," wink, wink. Jillian's cousin Tori is there with her boyfriend as well. Over dinner Tori wants to know how it feels for Jason to be on the other side of things after being ripped a new one by DeAnna. Then Jillian's mom gives the following toast to her daughter: "In your heart I hope you find love. You certainly deserve to fly like a dove. You handled all of the pain and joy just like an angel would from above. Pressure makes diamonds and you shine like one. You bring happiness to us all as bright as the sun..." this is going on way longer than I thought it would, but suffice it to say the whole thing rhymes. I so don't get it. Jillian is getting a special toast for making it to the finals on a dating show? What will happen if she graduates college?

Jillian's mom, whose name is actually Peggy, takes Jason outside for a sit-down. Peggy has some questions for Jason and - I kid you not - she has typed them up and printed them out! They're just your usual run-of-the-mill Bachelor questions. She brings up that Jason has a BA in psychology and jokes that is a good thing to have in their family. Ha, ha, ha! We're depressed! (PS, who isn't?) Jason turns the tables and asks Peggy how she's managed to make her marriage last so long even through the huge mess she created. Peggy just says that life is a dance and you learn as you go. Sage advice, Peggy.

"I don't like dancing."

Jillian and Peggy have a chat next. They just say that Jillian really truly, really truly sees herself with Jason. Glen, Jillian's father, bawls to the camera about how much he and his wife love Jillian. Man, I should have been an only child. This girl is a hero just for existing. And as if all this weren't enough, now Jillian's Granny shows up to heap on additional praise. Granny thinks Jason is absolutely gorgeous - and what a relief because she was ready to haul Jillian up to northern Alberta and marry her off to a Ukrainian. Granny has brought Jason a gift and what do you think it is? Guess. You have one guess and if it involves the Canadian flag you are absolutely right. It's Canadian flag boxer shorts! Whee! Granny grabs a smooch on the lips as Jason is on his way out - huh? Well, Jason is off, but at this point he's so impressed that he's ready to defect to Canada. Good riddance.

We're off to Grand Rapids, Michigan for Molly's hometown date. Jason is meeting Molly at the country club (?) and she comes rolling along in a golf cart. She's in a golf outfit and has brought one along for Jason as well.

Dorky Duo

Molly tells us that she's only brought one other guy home to meet her family and it practically ruined her relationship with her parents. And from that experience she learned that she will never again date a guy that her parents don't absolutely love. Weird. I understand parental concern, but isn't it ultimately Molly's choice? I mean, is it really worth it to her parents to ruin their relationship with their daughter just to take a stand? I don't know. Molly tells us that every Sunday growing up her parents, she and her sister went golfing, so it's totally sexy to her that Jason golfs. Oh my gosh. I already don't like Molly's family. She reiterates about a million times how big of a deal this is for a guy to be meeting her parents. EVERYTHING hinges on this moment.

"Only 30 more seconds to hold in the crazy."

Molly's dad is wearing the exact same golf sweater Molly was wearing - just have a round, dad? The first interval of conversation is all about golf. As if golf weren't boring enough itself, now we're going to just sit and talk about it? Maryann, Molly's golfing mother, decides to play this really fun game where everyone wears some psycho hat. This is supposed to gauge whether Jason will be able to hang with the fam. Jason gets some huge Indian feather headdress, Molly gets a crown, Maryann gets a ginormous orange foam cowboy hat and this is supposed to show everyone how much fun this family is.

"I'm having fun, are you having fun?"

And the fun continues as Maryann takes Jason into the arts and crafts room and tells him he has to draw a picture of his favorite memory of Molly's face. Okay, I will NEVER be embarrassed to have anyone meet my family after seeing this. And I have a brother-in-law who came to Thanksgiving dressed as a Star Wars storm trooper... seriously. Jason gets to work drawing Molly's smiling face at a rose ceremony.

Molly and her dad have a chat and her dad only asks one thing of her through this entire process. If she is eliminated and forced to take a Ride of Shame, please don't cry. Just smile. What, so none of us will have the memory of Molly's face with tears on it to draw a picture of? WEIRD. Meanwhile, Jason is drawing a picture that looks like Ty drew while he was asleep. The family passes it around a giggles. Oh, Jason is a hit at Molly's house - sweet.

Jason is almost as good as Napoleon Dynamite.

Moving right along to Lake Elsinore, California, home of Naomi, the free-spirited flight attendant who wants to make dinner and have family Christmases. Naomi's mission today is to positively convince Jason that she is ready to have a family. Jason's not ready to buy it, but he's going to figure it all out today. When Jason gets out of the car, they sit down on the ground to drink juice out of champagne flutes and Naomi has to tell Jason something. Remember last week when he called her out of line to have a chat during the Rose Ceremony? Well it really freaked her out, but it also made her realize just how ready she is to be in Jason's life and to be Ty's mommy. Jason's like, "Uh, I'm glad."

Take a sip if your family is insane.

During the car ride over to her family's house, Naomi says "potential future husband" several times and tells us that her family is crazy and she's a little nervous about what Jason will think of them. Good call putting them on TV, Naomi. There is a whole passel of people for us to meet and the first thing Naomi's mom does is bring out hula hoops for everyone to have a hula hoop contest. "Be one with the hula hoop!" she tells Jason as he awkwardly twists around. Be one with the hula hoop? This is already weirder than Molly's mom and her arts and crafts project. The weirdest part is that everyone joins right in hula hooping like every family does this every day of the year, what's the big deal?

"Hula hooping doesn't fit in my life."

Once that gets boring, Naomi's mom gathers everyone around to hear the story of her hitting a dove with her car while driving home from work the other day. In fact, she scooped the dove up out of the road and brought it home to give it a proper burial. Side note: Naomi's parents got divorced when she was little, but her dad has graciously shown up today to meet Jason. He's standing around with this look on his face like, "Oh right, this is the reason I left."

"The new Mrs. Crazy would never kill a dove."

Anyway, Naomi's mom tells Jason (not asks, tells) that he will assist in the burial and give the eulogy for Rosie - yes the dead dove has a name. As Jason buries Rosie, he realizes that he is actually burying his sanity by participating in this nonsense.

Hector, Naomi's dad, takes an opportunity to escape from the crazy and have a sit-down with Jason. He wants to make sure that Jason is selfless enough to marry his daughter. Hector brings up his own divorce and tells Jason that the way he was able to rise above all of his adversity is through Jesus. Does Jason know about Jesus? Jason's like, "Uh, no. See, I came on this show called The Bachelor..." and Hector continues on about raising Naomi in a biblical fashion and the representation of marriage in the bible when suddenly Mrs. Crazy bursts back onto the scene to steal Jason away to help bury a grasshopper she just stepped on. Actually she wants to tell Jason about these premonitions she has. Does Jason have premonitions? Jason's like, "See, there's this guy name Chris Harrison and he called me up..." Mrs. Crazy thinks that she and Jason are in the same soul family and that Jason has possibly come from the future. How does he feel about reincarnation? She believes Jason was a mom in a past life. Past life? LOL, Mrs. Crazy.

Hector is outside with Naomi admonishing her to think very seriously about the different beliefs she and Jason have. Naomi waves it off, saying that she and Jason are so extremely compatible that she doesn't give a flip whether they believe in the same things or not. She brings up family Christmases again. Hector's like, "Well, I'll support whatever you choose." Thank you, Hector. You are excused. Jason watches Naomi play tag with some small children and envisions her picking up Ty's toys. Maybe she CAN fall in line. After Jason bids his farewell Naomi informs her family that she will, in fact, be saying yes if Jason proposes. Brilliant.

Our final stop on this tour of humiliation is Dallas, Texas where Melissa has spent fun times being a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. When Jason and Melissa reunite they execute a Dancing With the Stars type of twirl lift while Melissa screams. Aw, aren't they just adorable?

Point your toes, Melissa!

They sit down on a blanket on the ground as everyone is seeming to after Jason arrives tonight, and Melissa presents Jason with a little craft she made for Ty. It seems that Ty's favorite story lately involves the tooth fairy so Melissa has made a little box for Ty to keep his "moneys" in that he gets from the tooth fairy. That's precious.

"This is way better than meeting your family!"

And now Melissa has a huge bomb to drop. Her parents are totally not down with being on TV to meet Melissa's boyfriend so he'll only be meeting some of her best friends. Her parents aren't down and her brother's not down. No family meeting for Jason tonight in Dallas! As we all know, this is cause for great concern. How can Jason know whether he wants to join Melissa's family if he doesn't even get to meet them? This could be doom.

As for Melissa's family understudies, they are two married couples, one of which has two little girls. See, instead of meeting another bunch of crazies, Jason will get a demonstration of just what a great family gal Melissa will be if he marries her. Over dinner the group discusses the fact that Jason is the first guy Melissa has introduced to them in years and that the other guys she's dated haven't been very nice guys. One of the husbands says that they really hope Melissa finds someone because they are tired of her always having to be the fifth wheel. For crying out loud, she's 24! Jason says that Melissa has a gift for making little children like her. Oh brother.

The girls sit down for some girl talk and Melissa tells that that Jason makes her feel worthy and beautiful. Worthy? Melissa tells us that she usually doesn't talk about guys to these girls because she's never had a guy that she talked about with them. Thanks, Melissa.

"You've GOT to get on the baby track, Melissa."

Jason shoots pool with the guys and wonders if there isn't something wrong with Melissa. How could she still be single? (She's 24!) The guys tell Jason that Melissa doesn't even realize how beautiful she is. Then Jason takes a turn for girl talk and learns that these great girlfriends don't really know Melissa's family either. So Melissa has a Family of Mystery. Odd.

After the Festival of Friends Jason and Melissa head over to somewhere (Melissa's apartment? Melissa's hotel room?) to have some wine and continue to talk. Melissa says that her parents are such private people that they never even came to watch her cheer at Dallas Cowboys games. They sound like they're a bit reclusive. I wonder how many cats they have. Melissa tells us she's 110% in love with Jason. That's not mathematically possible, in case you were wondering.

Back in Seattle Jason ponders over how to make his next decision and along comes Chris Harrison to help him rehash everything, and I am pressing forward to what actually happens NEXT instead of what we've already discussed in detail. Jason just laments that he's going to have to hurt someone he really cares about and he never wanted to do that. Boo hoo, the battle cry of the Bachelor.

And here we are at long last at the Rose Ceremony. Jason says this has been one of the best weeks of his life and he goes through and tells each girl how much fun he had with her. Yeah, yeah, who gets roses? Here they go: Molly and her golf cart, Jillian and her Canadian flag brigade... Ladies, Jason, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready... Melissa and her married friends! Naomi and her psychotically disturbed family are out of here! Jason walks Naomi out and informs her that she is not ready to have a family yet. Naomi says that she was hoping to hear that Jason just felt more strongly for the other women, not that she wasn't ready to settle down yet.

"I know it was my mom, you freaking liar."

Good for you for calling him out on his lame excuse, Naomi. Jason doesn't decide when you're ready, YOU do. Jason just squirms around it and walks her to her limo. He reiterates to us that Naomi just isn't ready yet. Whatever, Jason.

In her Ride of Shame Naomi says she IS ready and she would have moved to Seattle in a heartbeat. She wants kids and a home and she didn't want to have her heart broken. At this point she feels like she's better off not dating but just being on her own. She has no idea where to go from here. The world is your oyster, Naomi. Live it up! Be glad you're not getting dumped on TMZ in six months.

Jason toasts the final three and tells them they're off to New Zealand for their "exotics." Woooooo! Jillian goes in helicopter, Molly goes bungee jumping, and Melissa apologizes for her parents some more. Oh also, DeAnna still shows up to ruin everything and Jason still has a hissy fit over the edge of a balcony. Should be good! See you then!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta