Jersey Shore: Your Mom's Drunk Dialing

Well, it seems there is no mercy in the universe because Rammi are still at each other’s throats and it looks like that’s all we get to watch.

Just kill us. Please.

Sammi suddenly changes her tactic from “deny everything” to “I know what I did wrong.” She says she’s sorry she hit Arvin up and Ronnie goes, “So if a girl showed up looking for me...” and Sammi finishes, “I would kill her!” Okay, I am ashamed that I was kind of defending her at the end of the last episode. I didn’t realize this was all a highly calculated move to create this exact response. I made the mistake of giving her the benefit of the doubt and thinking the texts to Arvin may have been meant as a step away from Ronnie. Why is she even crying then? She succeeded. Mission accomplished.

Next there is a scene where Snooki and Deena are kicking an empty box around, then Deena tries to fit inside of it and gets stuck. And that’s all I have to say about that.

No comment.

Rammi are still at it and Ronnie tells us he’s not even sure if he loves Sam at this point. Well wouldn’t that just be a tragedy?

Love or hate... it all looks like this.

The next day Snooki, Deena and Sammi are off to be a thorn in Danny’s side and we find out that it’s Deena’s last day of employment. Which means this season is almost ready to put itself out of its misery. And not a moment too soon. Deena’s completely uninterested in doing any work, as usual, and she just wants to make clothes for herself. I’m guessing that means sweat pants that say “shore whore” on the butt or something equally classy.

And in other classy news, Vinny offers to take Snooki out to lunch at some place where they can make their own hamburgers. I’m sure this is meant to stoke our interest in whether these two idiots are going to ever get together as a couple, but I could really care less.

Anyone interested? Didn't think so.

They’re both continually doinking anyone and everyone, so is a hamburger really going to seal any kind of deal? At the restaurant Snooki spots beer battered onion rings on the menu and asks the waitress if that means the onion rings come served in beer. The waitress awesomely tells her yes and Snooki believes it. She orders herself what she expects to be beer onion soup. Vinny wants to chit chat with Snooki about the girls he and Pauly D banged last night. When Snooki tells Vinny his girl was gross, he tells her that they’re in Seaside so the girls aren’t always going to be “dimes.” And now Snooki is all hurt because Vinny, once again, will bang everyone except her. Vinny tells us that he apologizes when he hurts Snooki’s feelings because those other girls aren’t really important but Snooki is. He also says it’s possible that he and Snooki will eventually get serious. Ugh, please don’t.

Some other time all of the guy roommies are at the Shore Store and they decide it’s time that Vinny got his ears pierced. They all have their ears pierced except for him. So I guess last week it was spray tanning and this week it’s ear piercing. Vinny’s transformation into total douchebag continues. Now, I’ve never claimed to be attracted to the guido type, but I honestly do not see the allure of a guy with both ears pierced. Or even one. It seems so prissy to me. Danny comes over to Vinny with alcohol swabs and the piercing gun and Vinny almost craps his pants. I guess these earrings are going to prove what a tough guy he is, even though getting them is causing him to shriek like a 4-year-old girl.

I guess Mike went to get Vinny a diaper.

Once the studs are finally in, Vinny tells us he took it like a G and didn’t even flinch. We must have been watching different footage then, Vinny. Wipe your tears. Pauly D tells him he looks fresh to death and Vinny totally believes him. He starts walking different and tilting his hat just so. Yep, he’s a douchebag at last.

Later the gang is all getting ready to go out. Ronnie asks Sammi if she wants to go and her answer is: “Do you?” Ronnie says he just wants to get some wine and stay in, so Sammi goes, “Yeah I want to do that.” Good night!

Deena emerges in some ridiculous denim outfit that looks like it was meant for a 10-year-old, judging by how tight it is on her, and Pauly D starts making cracks about Deena’s favorite part of Mario Brothers being the part where it goes, “Denim, denim, denim,” to the tune of the video game. The funny part here is that the producers actually added in video game sound effects.

"It's my Goomba outfit, you jerk off!"

Deena’s pissed and I don’t blame her. Yes, she looks ridiculous, but all the girls in the house go out dressed up like clown whores on a regular basis, so there’s no real reason to specifically target her. Pauly D tells us he doesn’t think denim is in anymore. I don’t know if it’s in anymore to get your own name tattooed across your lower back, Pauly D, but to each his own.

And at Aztec, Vinny walks right up to some girls and tells them he’s looking for hot girls to dance with, implying that it’s not them. I’d rip those stupid earrings out of his earlobes with my fingernails. And oh, look who is back to torture everyone and embarrass herself. It’s Danielle!

"I'm going to eat your soul, Pauly."

She asks Pauly D if he’s done with his grenades and he goes, “Nope.” Then she sends one of her friends over to Pauly D with a message. I remember she did this before and it’s so 7th grade. The friend says that Danielle wants to come over to the house and Pauly’s like, “No.” Then Danielle comes back to him and asks him if he wants her to punch him. Pauly D goes, “Do what you gotta do.” Wow, I guess Danielle is officially off the docket.

And back home Rammi is following through with their plan to stay in and drink wine. Which has become Sammi watching Ronnie eat a hamburger while she tries again to apologize and he just keeps asking her to pass condiments like the wounded victim that he is.

"Pass the mustard and shut your shady face!"

He tells us now he has a taste of how Sammi felt in Miami. Sammi leans all over Ronnie whispering, “I’m sorry. I miss you. Please beat me with a baseball bat.” They end up banging in the smoosh room.

Vinny and Pauly D are having misadventures at Aztec because it looks like there are a lot of larger, older women there who think it’s hilarious to get in their faces and hit on them. And it is kind of hilarious.

It's this or Danielle, Pauly D.

When they’re finally fed up, they find the two least offensive looking girls (who seem about on par with the girls they always bring home) and take them home to see what happens. While they’re sipping their after-party drinks in the living room, suddenly there is a knock at the door and it’s the brother of one of the girls. Unlike the entourage of uncles and cousins who took a girl away from Vinny before, this brother just wants to know how the girls are going to get home. He says he can take them home tonight, or come back for them in the morning. Pauly D pipes up and asks if the brother can take Pauly D’s girl home right now and come back in the morning for the other girl. Ouch.

"Yo, I'm very particular about whos I bang."

The girl calls him a dick and says she’d rather sleep with Mike anyway, then Vinny’s had enough and tells the brother to take both the girls and leave. Pauly D’s girl goes, “I just want to say...” and Deena goes, “I think it’s better if you don’t say anything at all.” Geez! What’s with all the hostility? These girls are seriously no worse than any girls they’ve dragged home before. Did they not drink as much tonight? Anyway, Vinny gets in the brother’s face and says, “There’s the door right there!” And shoos everyone out. This prompts the roommates to comment once again on how Vinny’s earrings have changed him. Oh brother. It reminds me of Jem. Remember Jem? By day she was the mild mannered Jerrica, but when she touched her earrings her computer, Synergy, turned her into Jem the rockstar? I guess Vinny has magic earrings too. Here’s a visual:

"Showtime, Synergy!"

And now that the stranger-bimbos have left the building, Vinny grabs Snooki and starts dragging her to his room, saying, “All right come on, Snooki.” And Snooki is pissed. After storming around the house for a minute she tells us, “I’m not anybody’s last resort. I’m somebody’s first priority.” Oh really? Whose? Still, though, Vinny is being a creep. He keeps following Snooki around trying to say he was kidding and Snooki keeps telling him to leave her alone.

"Snooki, didn't you see my mighty earrings?"

They both complain to us about when one of them is ready and willing, the other one never is. Yes, it’s just such a star-crossed romance of epic proportions. Snooki finally stomps off into her room and Vinny and Sammi have a rapping battle. It’s too pathetic for words. When Vinny raps something about Sammi being the sneakiest bitch you’ll ever meet, Sammi gets all pissy and says she’s done. I’m so surprised that Sammi is a bad sport.

The next day Mike, Pauly D and Jwoww have their final shifts at the Shore Store, but all Mike wants to do is sleep and he keeps finding places where he can catch some shut-eye. You know, it’s really too bad what a joke this job has become because it would be so awesome to see Danny fire Mike’s lazy butt and force him to get out of our faces. Danny eventually finds him snoozing in a changing room, but really, what power does he have?

Sadly this behavior brought in more business than 20 regular employees.

Back home, Sammi discovers that she accidentally slept in her contacts and is now physically blind. Well, that’s cool. She’s been mentally and emotionally blind since day one of the series, so at least now her body has caught up. Ronnie takes her to the doctor and while they’re gone Deena gets a charming phone call from Ronnie’s mom, Connie. When Deena offers to let Ronnie know that Connie called, Connie goes, “I love you!” in a total baby voice. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Connie is bombed. Deena is hilarious. She’s like, “Oh okay,” and keeps trying to be polite, but you can tell she has no idea what to do.

"So Ronnie should be home any minute..."

Connie starts telling Deena how tan she is. Like an Indian, she says. Deena hands Jwoww the phone and Connie starts talking to Jwoww about how bad Ronnie messed up in Miami.

"Yeah, we all think Ronnie's a douchebag."

Jwoww and Deena decide to hand this mess over to Mike, so Mike takes the phone and totally gets involved in the conversation, telling Connie all about how Sammi made plans to meet up with Arvin, so she’s no innocent bystander. That seems useful.

When Rammi get home, Jwoww goes up to Ron and says, “Two things. PLEASE clean that bathroom upstairs, and two, your mom’s drunk dialing all day.” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!! That’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard! Can you imagine? Just then Connie calls back so they hand Ron the phone. Mike brags that he had a half-hour conversation with Connie, which makes Sammi super nervous. Ron’s on the phone going, “You’re embarrassing me, and you’re embarrassing yourself.” HA! And Jwoww tells Sammi that Mike told Connie everything about Arvin. Sammi’s talking a big game about punching Mike in the face, but of course she’s not going to do anything except try to get Ron mad at Mike. And Ron’s finally had enough and hangs up on his mom.

The guys and Jwoww congregate on the patio to try to get to the bottom of what is up with Sammi and Arvin. Mike is on a soapbox, wildly gesticulating and making extreme faces while insisting that Sammi used to “sweat” Arvin and considers him her back up in case things don’t work out with Ron.

"One word, three syllables: Shady bitch!"

Jwoww asks if they can’t just be even since Ron was such a douche in Miami, but here Ron says he’s already admitted to that so it doesn’t count anymore. The guys back him up on this, saying they should have started fresh here in Jersey since Ron admitted what he did. That’s not quite how I remember it. Didn’t everything come out when Sammi saw the Miami episodes? I love, too, how Ron is always innocent if he admits something. Such crap. So now the guys have worked themselves into a frenzy about just how badly Ronnie has been treated while he was crying, sending Sammi flowers, and might I add, sifting through the remains of all her possessions he destroyed. But none of that matters; he admitted what he did.

Sammi comes storming out to the patio demanding to know what Mike’s saying and why he’s getting involved in her business. As the insults fly, Mike tells Sam she’s the “worst argument person ever.” Good one, Mike.

"Well, you're the worst... Jersey Shore person ever!"

Sammi tells us that she and Ronnie are happy and Mike’s going to ruin them. Riiiiight. Mike comes up with a plan to call Arvin and let him say his peace without interruption and then Sammi can dispute it if she wants. So as this plan gets put into place the guys keep egging Ronnie on, saying how sketchy it is that Sammi has this “friend” who Ronnie didn’t know about. And Ronnie was always out in the open when he was messing around (not true).

The girls rally around Sammi, saying they would have all done the same thing, which is hit up a hot guy to show up when they know their ex will be there. Oh, is Arvin hot? I’d call that a fail. Anyway Mike’s calling Arvin and Arvin’s saying that he and Sammi used to hang out a lot and they’ve made out. Ronnie takes the phone and asks if Arvin and Sam have hooked up. He says no, but they’ve made out. Ron looks around madly for Sammi’s glasses so he can smash them again.

Next week! It’s the finale! Thank goodness! Vomit much? Any of you who are still hanging in there with me? I salute you!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta