Monday, January 07, 2008

Second Time Around in Newport Harbor?

"I have a really difficult, complicated life."

Tonight is the final installation of our super-special holiday treat: Newport Harbor: Home For the Holidays. We last left Chrissy pouting over the fact that she can’t have everything and everyone and also, her ultra-annoying friend Kylie has been acting like she’s way too good for all of this and we are all lucky to know of her. Let’s join the troops once again to find out what’s happening down in the real Orange County.

We return this week to our original Cookie Cutter Scene #1, watching Chrissy and Sasha play tennis while Sasha asks Chrissy questions about Clay. It seems that there has been no word from Clay. No phone calls, no text messages, not a peep. Chrissy says that seeing Clay with other girls totally made her realize that she made a mistake. Billy’s cool and all, but unless Clay agrees to just sit and pine for her, Chrissy thinks she wants him back. If she can’t have him, no one can! Sasha says, “Never say never.” Goonies never say die.

As we get another look around Newport Beach on our way to Cookie Cutter Scene #2, I realize just how all-out Mayor G-Thing went when I see actual presents hanging from trees. This truly is a wonderland. We zero in on Clay’s Beach House, where the Mayor is arriving to discuss Skjsonby’s party. He asks Clay if he talked to Chrissy at all, and when Clay says no, Mayor G-Thing says that he saw her staring at Clay a lot. Clay goes, “Really?” Remember last week when Chrissy said that she and Clay kept staring at each other but not talking? Apparently Clay has a different version of what happened. He says that his feelings aren’t 100% gone, but he has no idea what Chrissy’s situation is with Billy and he wishes that she would come to him and tell him what she’s thinking.

Um, I’m not really sure what to say about our next location except that it looks like we are arriving at a small-to-medium-sized European palace, so I wonder who is spending the holidays abroad when a subscript comes up that says “Allie’s New House.”

Welcome to Neuschwanstein

You have got to be kidding me. I guess that little shack by the water just wasn’t cutting it anymore. Sejour (the restaurant Allie’s parents own) must have had a really good year or two to explain this massive expanse of real estate. I guess Art and Carolyn were feeling pretty cramped – especially after Allie moved away to college. Carolyn welcomes Original Allie and Fatty to the new pad and then Art – one of my personal favorite characters – enters to welcome the girls as well. They take a tour of what looks like a giant museum and discover that there is an indoor pool which would serve as an absolutely perfect setting for a party!

Allie and Fatty sit out on one of the many patios and decide that they simply must throw a party – preferably this weekend. Fatty suggests a theme party and I flashback to Pretty in Pink. What will the boys be dressing as this time? Allie says that she wants to theme it 20’s and 30’s because she likes that fashion era. Good call, Allie! Very cute fashion era. But won’t there be a bit of a time crunch if the party is this weekend? I mean, we’re still on “Thanksgiving weekend,” right?

Elsewhere in the Newp, Chrissy heads out onto her front porch to call Billy and let him know that she’s not, in fact, going to be heading up to San Jose, aka Douche Town to see him this weekend. She tells him awkwardly that she has some things to take care of and can’t make it. Billy’s like, “That sucks,” and Chrissy just says she’ll see him back at school. Honestly Billy doesn’t seem too broken up about it, but what’s he going to do, cry for us? Chrissy mopes, as usual.

"Boo freakin' hoo. I got to be on TV!"

Next we join Sasha and Chrissy walking Bogey and discussing how excited they are to attend Allie’s party tonight. Chrissy says she hears that Allie is doing a 20’s theme. So it’s the day of the party and they hear it’s a 20’s theme, so what will they be doing about costumes? Sasha, thank goodness, has a really cute sparkly dress that is 20’s style and her mom has vintage shoes she can wear. Chrissy is just nervous to see Clay – again. She tells Sasha that she blew Billy off for the weekend and Sasha asks if this means that Billy is out of the picture, to which Chrissy answers yes. I wonder if Billy got that message from Chrissy’s explanation of taking care of some things. Sasha says that Chrissy has to look so gorgeous tonight that everyone will turn to look at her as she enters. Um, may I throw up please? Wait it gets worse. Chrissy says, “Like in Cinderella? I hope the slipper fits.” I, personally, would like to beat her with the slipper, but Sasha is more optimistic, assuring her that the slipper will fit because she and Clay are meant to be, he just has to realize it. Sasha, that is the mantra of psychotic women everywhere. Chrissy says she has to make Clay fall in love all over again. Or you could be nice and spare him the torture, Chrissy.

Mayor G-Thing, who refused to wear pink to the Pretty in Pink party, is now dressing in bright pink fabulous for the 20’s party. He teases Clay about “pimping some chicks” which is how I just hope guys talk about me because it’s so flattering. Chrissy and Sasha are getting all dolled up as flappers over at Chrissy’s house and Chrissy starts whining that she’s scared.

"You have to listen while I complain some more."

Yes, yes, yes we know, Chrissy. You’re scared, big news. Clay and G-Thing get gangstered out and start doing DeNiro imitations into the full length mirror.

Isn't he pretty in pink?

Well, through the miracle of MTV story editing all of the local girls seem to have managed to find sparkly flapper dresses to wear to this impromptu shindig. Original Allie and Fatty welcome the guests and it looks like most of the guys didn’t make as much of a costume effort as the girls – with the exception of Clay and Mayor G-Thing. It doesn’t seem like this is a pool party as the girls are so carefully coiffed and made up, but nevertheless several boys go flipping into the pool in swimsuits. You just never know with these Newport kids.

Well, I spoke too soon about the boys’ outfits because in struts Chase with an entourage and they are all decked out in black with fedoras so they are either the Hebrew Hammer or 20’s gangsters. Ew, all of a sudden Kylie is here and it looks like she has decided to betray her friend Billy because she is prodding the ever-nervous Chrissy to go over and talk to Clay. P.S. How freaking adorable does Clay look in his suit and leather fedora? Hello!

I bet he smells good, too.

Chrissy just sort of paces back and forth around Clay not saying anything.

And as Chrissy does her stalling dance, Original Allie and Chase have a little heart to heart. She wants an answer to the question on everyone’s mind. What is up with Chase and Kylie? Chase tells her that he’s moving to Santa Barbara and Allie warns him not to play with girls’ hearts because someday someone will do it to him and then he’ll be sorry. Chase doubts it, saying he won’t ever let a girl get close enough to hurt him. Oh dream on, robot boy.

"Believe it or not, someday you will have an emotion."

After what seems like about six months Chrissy finally asks Clay if he wants to talk. This next scene made me want to cry for some reason. I am really getting soft because this is the second Newport Harbor episode that has made me misty. The shame! So here’s how it goes: Chrissy handles the convo with her usual awkwardness, just saying that she doesn’t like that things have been “weird” ever since they broke up. Clay says he doesn’t either, but he doesn’t really know what to say about that. Chrissy goes on to say that she didn’t think she would care, but she got really jealous when she saw Clay with another girl. Clay’s response is so perfect. He shrugs and half-laughs: “Well yeah. It’s – how do you think I felt when I met Billy?” Yeah, Chrissy! And you were sucking Billy’s face off when Clay first saw him. Can you please stop tormenting him now and go on about your sorority life? Apparently no she can’t. She goes on to say that she and Billy just hang out, then later she voices over, “It’s nothing like it was with us.” Clay says that he really doesn’t know what to tell her, and I totally agree with him. All she told him is that she doesn’t like seeing him with other girls and what the crap is he supposed to say to that? Especially after how she treated him. Too bad, Chrissy! They both agree that this isn’t the way they planned for things to go and then Clay says, “All right,” and walks away. I have to get a tissue, I’ll be back.

The next morning Sasha and Chrissy head over to Haute Cakes CafĂ© to recap the party. Sasha says that she had a good time other than being pushed into the pool – an incident that MTV didn’t see fit to include in our footage. Chrissy starts pondering that she needs to prove to Clay that she’s sorry, she wants him back, and that he’s the only one she has deep feelings for. Oh, deep feelings, okay. I guess when you classify your feelings as deep and not-so-deep that makes all the difference. She implores Sasha to come up with something for her to do that will remind Clay of all the good times. Oh great, she can’t even think of a way to tell him herself? Yes, her feelings are awfully deep.

"I love him too profoundly
to have any idea what to tell him."

Clay and Mayor G-Thing are having their own party recap over at Mayor G-Thing’s house while they play pool. G-Thing wants to know how things went with Chrissy, adding that “girls are so stupid.” Clay says it seems like Chrissy still has feelings for him and that he’s not completely over it either. Mayor G-Thing says that maybe Clay should give Chrissy another shot. Whaaaaaat? After all the nagging he did telling Clay not to have a girlfriend, then ratting Chrissy out to him and even dragging him up to Santa Barbara to watch Chrissy make out with Billy right in Clay’s face, now he’s advising him to give her another shot? This is so fishy I don’t even know where to start. Mayor G-Thing says that Clay should have the Christmas spirit and give her another chance, and also that he’ll probably never say such a thing about any other girl for the rest of his life. Well, yeah, there probably won’t be a giant cue card instructing you to say it at any other point in your life, G-Thing.

"You're absolutely joking, right?"

Original Allie and Fatty are on their way back up to Santa Monica and are also discussing the party. They are quite pleased that so many people dressed up. Then Allie drops a huge bomb. She has a job!

"I'm going to like, get paid! To shop!"

She was hired to work at Dame, a clothing boutique in Santa Monica. I did a little digging and they don’t really have a website, but they have a MySpace page. I was really liking their stuff until I saw a picture of Lauren Conrad on the site and then I immediately clicked away. That girl totally rubs me the wrong way with her completely unoriginal “fashion designs” and her face all over every magazine for doing nothing but being a huge snob. Yuck. Anyhoo, Allie is now a working girl and I may have to drop in on her to say hello. As long as Lauren doesn’t cross my path things should go well.

Ah hah! Chase and Kylie have gathered on the beach to have a little chatty-poo about the question everyone and their uncle keeps asking: Where do these two stand? Kylie wants to know when Chase is planning the Big Move and then she tells him that things are going to be different when he gets up there.

"I don't think you can handle what I've got."

She likes him and everything, but she doesn’t want to be so serious. Chase says he didn’t think they were getting too serious and Kylie says that she doesn’t want it to become serious. See, she has this whole new life up in Santa Barbara and she’s not sure Chase is “ready for it.” Just kidding, for once that’s not what she says, she just dances around it, saying, “I don’t know.” Chase says that he gets it and that Kylie can do “whatever.” Wow, that’s so romantic.

So now we get an external shot of Clay’s Beach House and to my horror I don’t think that this is the same as his other house – the one that’s close to where Chrissy lives. This really is just a second house for his family to play in that’s right down the street from their first one. I wonder if Clay’s parents own a restaurant like Allie’s. Chrissy arrives at the dock behind the Beach House and proceeds to decorate Clay’s little boat with ten thousand Christmas lights and trinkets – even a Nutcracker. Then she ties mistletoe on the antenna. Noooooooo! Don’t do it, Clay! Don’t take her back! Then she drives over to Clay’s regular house and sticks a note on the front door. When Clay comes home he finds a card instructing him to meet Chrissy at the Beach House for a “surprise.”

The heart on top of the "i" shows how deep her feelings are.
And it was Sasha's idea.

Well, because Clay is such a nice guy who totally deserves better than Chrissy he shows up to see her surprise. She’s waiting for him out by the dock and tells him that she thought it would be nice for them to talk alone instead of amid the hubbub of a party. Clay asks what is up with Chrissy and Billy and she says that she doesn’t even talk to Billy anymore. Anymore? What has it been, like 48 hours? She says it was really dumb and she made a mistake and she’s sorry. Also! She has a present for Clay. He opens it and pulls out a USC sweatshirt. Then Chrissy busts the news that she’s transferring to USC next semester so that she’ll be closer to home and able to come visit more often. When the crap did all this happen? Wouldn’t she have had to apply like, months ago in order to attend winter semester? She can’t just decide in December that she’d like to start at USC in January. Well, whatever. She tells Clay that if he’s for it, she’s for trying to make things work between them.

"Well, the Mayor advised me to give you a second chance."

Clay says he agrees (to my eternal disappointment) and then Chrissy says she has another surprise and she stands up. At this point I honestly and truly thought she was going to take her clothes off. I really, really did. I’m not quite sure why my mind went there because all she does is plug in the lights that she strung all over Clay’s boat. They kiss and Clay suggests that they go for a little cruise. As they set off he notices the mistletoe and asks what it is, ha ha, wink wink. They peck a couple of times and then just stand there looking confused. Well, isn’t that adorable? They’re back together just in time for Christmas. Ugh.

"So we're a couple for reals. Or for TV. Are we done?"

So! That’s the end of our four episode Home for the Holidays arc. I’m not really sure what I think about it. It all ended so conveniently smoothly that I wonder how much of it actually happened and how much MTV… okay, I won’t go there. We’ll pretend it was all spontaneous and real and we got to sit in on the drama as it unfolded. How did you like this darling little story?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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