Friday, December 21, 2007

Are You Guys Ready For This?

"Oh cripes. You saw that?"

And we’re back with more Newport Harbor: Home for the Holidays! Except this week nobody is at home and there is no holiday – unless you count Billy Frat Party Day as a holiday. Evs, lets join the gang down at the beach in Newport, or up at the beach in Santa Barbara, or midway at the beach in Santa Monica. Quit your job, drop out of school, whatever it takes to be one of the cool kids in Orange County. Let’s go!

Chrissy starts us off by excusing last week’s public make-out session with Billy as the result of her being “caught up in the moment.” Way to rationalize, Chrissy. Were you also drunk? Were you also just missing Clay? Were you also just trying to have a good time at your party? Busted! Then we move to Clay and a still-scuzzy Mayor G-Thing packing up the car to head to Santa Barbara to spy on Chrissy, or as Clay said last week, “see this for myself” or something along those lines. There’s nothing like a young trusting relationship. They decide that if things with Chrissy go awry, there are plenty of other college chicks dying to make out with high school boys so they’ll be just fine. This may end up being true for Clay, but Mayor G-Thing is so screwed. Or not screwed. You know what I mean.

Up in Santa Barbara Allie 2 is taking a turn wearing a UCSB sweatshirt in case any young viewers are pondering over which college to attend. Like we’re really supposed to believe that these snotty little sorority girls voluntarily wear big frumpy school sweatshirts. Nice try, MTV. And UCSB.

"Fine. But Kylie has to wear it next."

Meanwhile Kylie is sporting two spiders where her eyelashes are supposed to reside and she is telling the girls how she feels about hanging out with Chase at the party last weekend. Unlike last week, she’s sounding a little put out with the whole idea of Chase and announces that she doesn’t want a serious relationship right now. Not even with a real estate office floater? This girl is picky. Chrissy says that it was interesting to compare Clay and Billy last weekend since she spent Friday night with Clay and then Saturday night with Billy. But she still can’t choose between them and has no idea whom she prefers.

Back in the Newp (Holla, DP Hooker!), Chase is taking a stroll with Fatty, who is on one of her frequent fact-finding missions. She discovers that Chase is planning to move up to Santa Barbara to be near Kylie because he is quite determined to be in a relationship with her. Remember last year when Fatty and Chase had their drunken make-out at the Pretty in Pink party? Just thinking out loud. Anyway, I’m deducing that Chase is no longer an office floater at the real estate firm. Or if he is, he doesn’t care and is quitting. He’s also not going to school so that makes him an unemployed dropout. I bet Taylor cries herself to sleep every night. Fatty pushes to know just what Chase’s status is with Kylie and he says that they are “together” without the title. I wonder what Kylie would have to say about that. Fatty wonders about Taylor and tells Chase he needs to choose, to which he declares that he has already chosen Kylie. Too bad she hasn’t chosen him back.

Chrissy sits outside on the UCSB campus in front of her blank laptop screen and pretends to call Clay when who should come strolling along but Billy! Call cancelled. They chuckle over how much fun they had together over the weekend and then Billy tells Chrissy that his buddy Brett is having a party tonight and that Chrissy should come with Kylie and Allie 2. Chrissy says she’ll think about it, but she has a lot of studying to do. Yeah right! She says she’ll be there with bells on. Billy heads back to his dorm and Chrissy goes back to fake studying on her blank computer. Does she own any books for all of those classes she’s taking?

"So can I borrow your biology notes?"

And we’re back to Chase’s house and now I have another question. Didn’t he move into his own apartment on the season finale? I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but Chase’s story was that he chose a real estate career over college and moved into his own apartment where Taylor could admire him. What gives? In any case, the Mystery Man is placing a call to Kylie in Santa Barbara, who is wearing – you guessed it – a UCSB sweatshirt. Kylie is less than enthused to answer Chase’s call and when he tells her he wants to drive up to Santa Barbara to see her tonight she tells him she is too busy studying and can’t be bothered. She tells him to come the next day. Chase says he’ll come tonight and she can put her books away, but Kylie isn’t Taylor and stands fast with her homework story. Someone doesn’t want Chase at the Billy Party. Denied!

Let’s join Chrissy and Allie 2 getting ready for the big party, shall we? I am taking makeup notes and what I have learned tonight is that to do your eyes you take a charcoal crayon and color the area around your eyelashes good and dark, then apply mascara for about a half hour. Result: Spider Eyes. Who’s jealous?

"Hang on. Three more coats."

The girls talk about how clever Chrissy is for putting Chase and Kylie together, even though Kylie isn’t really into it. See, they mesh well, but also butt heads. And Kylie won’t stand for Chase’s crap. Plus she’s kind of a player herself, so that should be good for Chase. You know, I remember setting people up in college for similar reasons. Like I had a roommate who could not stop talking about herself, so I set her up with this guy who couldn’t stop talking about himself, and I was curious to see them fight it out for conversation control. She ended up shaving his head. Okay, maybe that’s different, but still. It’s a hoot to set your friends up and witness the inevitable clash. Especially annoying friends and Kylie seems really annoying. Chrissy continues to apply mascara and admits she still has no idea what to do about Clay and Billy. Shocker. Guess which SUV filled with two Newport boys is almost to Santa Barbara.

I'll give you a hint.

Clay and Mayor G-Thing tell the receptionist at Chrissy’s dorm that they’re looking for Chrissy and she tells them to go to room 13. Suspicious. No last name needed? They walk over to what is definitely not room 13. In fact, there’s no telling what number it is because there is a flyer stuck over the number. This must be due to all of the stalkers Lauren and Audrina got, forcing them to switch apartment buildings. The horror of becoming an MTV reality star. Well, whatever, Kylie answers the door and is just about as happy to see Clay and the Mayor as she would have been to see Chase had he disobeyed orders. Thought you were studying, Kylie. They all fake hug and Kylie offers to take the boys over to the party.

NOT room 13.

Well, it’s Britney, bitch. Yup, that’s the hot music playing at the oh-so-cool fraternity party that everyone is flocking to. Frat boys listen to Britney? I guess it gets chicks in the mood. I simply must pause here for a moment of Honey Gangsta skepticism. Sorry, but The Hills has ruined me for reality TV. I can’t help but think that MTV threw this party specifically for the show and everyone who is there is a hired extra. I’m not saying Chrissy knew Clay would be coming, I’m just saying this ain’t no spontaneous frat thing. Like Brody and his “beach house barbecues.” Okay, back to suspension of disbelief. Billy is the social butterfly of the evening, snuggling with all the girls and making all the introductions. When Chrissy arrives, Billy introduces her to some of his chicks and then takes her out on the patio to hug and cuddle. I haven’t seen this many red plastic cups since Laguna Beach. Allie 2 and Chrissy have a quotable exchange:

A2: Like, do you like him?

C: Like, I like him, like, I mean I still have feelings for Clay, but like, I like Billy. They both like, remind me of each other…

A2: It’s your Clay away from home, duh!

What did I say last week? Billy is a smaller more feminine version of Clay! I knew it! Not a good trade-in, Chrissy. Just about now, Kylie is leading Clay and Mayor G-Thing up the front lawn to the party. She says, “Are you guys ready for this?” Oh puh-lease! Ready for what, Kylie? The pretend party? The red plastic cups? All the hot college guys posing for the cameras? Britney Spears pumping at high volume? I don’t know if these seasoned reality stars can handle it. Well, we all know what happens next. In walk Clay and Mayor G-Thing just in time to see Chrissy and Billy making out in full view.

Caught up in another moment, Chrissy?

As Chrissy unhooks her lips from Billy’s face she glances over, spots Clay and starts to panic. I was really rooting for Clay to walk over and introduce himself because he is so much bigger and manlier than Billy, who would have peed his pants, but alas, he and Mayor G-Thing flee the scene. Weenies. Mayor G-Thing asks Clay what the deal is with Chrissy and Clay says, “I guess I’m over it.” So now it must be on to all of those college girls who are dying to meet high school boys, right Mayor G-Thing? Chrissy just stands inside the party confused.

The next morning, the three sorority sisters sit around to discuss what happened. Allie 2 has a complicated theory. She thinks that the boys just randomly decided to come up to Santa Barbara – end of theory. This girl’s a sharp one.

"OMG, I bet you're right."

They wonder where the boys ended up sleeping. I can answer that. They slept at a hotel that MTV paid for and after a lovely breakfast in their room they drove over to the beach and posed like they were sleeping in the car. As if we’re going to believe that the rich boys slept at the beach in the front seat of Clay’s car – sitting up? Sorry, but no. Please make a little effort, MTV. Just because you shot your wad with The Hills doesn’t mean you should give up entirely.

"It's funny to pretend to sleep in the car."

The boys “wake up” pretending to be confused about where they are and start talking about how bad last night sucked. What, no college girls? Clay says it was stupid and Mayor G-Thing says, “Frat row is filled with tools.” Eloquent as always, G-Thing. He does the “I told you so” dance, reminding Clay that he said all along that relationships suck. Clay sees the silver lining, which is that at least now he knows where he stands. Yes, there’s always a bright side. Just then, as the result of much prodding from the sorority sisters, Chrissy calls Clay’s phone. G-Thing doesn’t want him to answer, but of course he does. Chrissy is all elusive, just saying that last night was weird, and she doesn’t know, blah, blah, blah. But she’ll come down to the beach and they’ll talk. G-Thing doesn’t like this at all, so he takes off on foot to find some breakfast in this strange town. Good luck with that, player.

Ah, we’re taking a refreshing break from all of the relationship drama to pay a visit to Original Allie and Fatty McFatterson in Santa Monica. Original Allie laments that she needs to find a job because she has no money. Sorry, but I can’t resist this Allie quote: “I like, hate that like, I always have to like, call my dad and like, be like, I need money in the bank, like…” Have these kids always said “like” so much? It’s so distracting.

"Like, no. I've never like, said 'like' so much."

Anyway, the girls conclude that Allie should find a job at a clothing store so that she can get a discount. Fatty tells Allie about the chat she had with Chase the other day regarding his relationship with Kylie. They think Chase is foolish for wanting to move to Santa Barbara to be with Kylie (duh) and that Kylie is the girl version of Chase. In fact, at Chrissy’s party the word on the street was that Kylie wasn’t even that into Chase. Well, maybe someone will be getting a dose of his own crappy medicine.

And speaking of the two little evil players, it looks like Chase has made his way up north and he and Kylie are sitting down to talk on some bleachers. When Chase asks what Kylie did last night, she says, “Oh the usual…” Liar! Well, maybe not. Maybe the party actually is her usual. I wonder if Chase is “ready for this,” you know, all the wild parties and everything. Chase tells Kylie about some townhouses he looked at and she looks beyond bored.

"Oh hooray, you're moving up here."

They change the subject to gossip about Chrissy and Kylie admits that it looks like Chrissy is leaning toward Billy. Yawn.

Over at the beach Clay is doing his typical sad lonely boy routine, staring out into the surf by himself, when Chrissy comes along in her skinny jeans and Uggs. Chrissy says that last night was weird, and she wishes she had known Clay was coming because things would have been a lot different, and Clay just keeps saying, “Whatever.” When Chrissy says that the boys could have crashed in her dorm, Clay says it would have been awkward with Billy there. This next part I have to say is quite well-played by Chrissy. She says that Billy wasn’t at her dorm and that the two of them are just hanging out, they aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, and she’s not going to jump from one relationship to the next like that. So… about cheating? Nope, never mentioned. She says that she feels like she’s trying to hold on to high school, but she needs to be in college. Clay should make the best out of his senior year and she should make the best out of her freshman year. Clay just says, “That’s true.”

Man up, Clay!

So they conclude that it’s no one’s fault, but they need to go their separate ways. I guess, but it was in fact, Chrissy’s fault. She should have been honest at the beach house dinner instead of pretending nothing had changed. I guess we’re supposed to be sad as they both skulk off in opposite directions. It’s kind of sad, but we all knew it was coming.

Next week there is another reunion of the Newport kids in Newport and this time Clay is parading around with girls on each arm. But the girls are Taylor and Original Allie – an obvious ploy to make Chrissy jealous. And it works!

So how did you like this episode? Have we seen the end of Chrissy and Clay?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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