There's No Place Like Newport Harbor for the Holidays!

Welcome Home for the Holidays! Home, that is, to Newport Harbor! MTV is treating us to four special episodes catching us up on what is going on with our favorite flaky rich kids from Orange County. We left them setting off into either the big world of college, the big world of Europe, the big world of senior year, or the big world of real estate. Let’s spread on some baby oil and put on the sunglasses. It’s time to return to Newport Harbor: The Other Laguna Beach!

Chrissy starts us off with a couple of updates. It has been probably about two and a half months since we left our dear children heading off on their adventures, so much has changed. Mayor G-Thing is a senior and from what Chrissy understands, is “ruling the school.” I’m guessing that means teaching everyone fake surfer talk and doling out unsolicited relationship advice from the very guy who’s never had one. Guess what else. Chase and Taylor broke up! Who would have ever guessed? But before you start feeling sorry for Chase – which would be like feeling sorry for the devil – don’t worry. Chrissy has fixed him up with Kylie, her sorority sister who, I’m sorry, is nowhere near as pretty as Taylor, but apparently she and Chase are hitting it off. Allie and Fatty came back from Europe and moved to LA for “school and life on the road in the big city.” I guess we’ll find out what that means. Oh, and remember all those promises Chrissy and Clay made about visiting each other constantly? Well, they haven’t seen each other once and now Chrissy is in a sorority (with Kylie) and has a “tiny crush” on a guy named Billy.

And it’s up the coast we go – zooming right past Lauren and Audrina to Santa Barbara, home of Chrissy’s UCSB sweatshirt. She and sorority sisters Kylie and Allie (a second Allie?) are sitting outside at a picnic table discussing everyone’s upcoming visit to Newport Beach. Allie dutifully wonders if it will be strange for Chrissy to see Clay again after all this time. Chrissy admits that things haven’t worked out as expected, as neither one has bothered yet to make the whopping two-hour drive to visit, and about them still being together she ponders, “I don’t really know. That’s why I’m confused. Like, that’s why I like, feel bad ‘cause like, I’ve been hanging out with like, Billy a lot and stuff…” Like, what? Evs, she’s definitely excited because she’s sure that once she sees Clay all of her feelings will come rushing back.

"I'm like, in Santa Barbara."

Hooray! It’s obligatory Scene #2 in our Newport Harbor scene repertoire. It’s Clay, Mayor G-Thing, the ocean and a Chrissy discussion.

"It's just like the old days, brah."

I have to mention here that it looks like Mayor G-Thing has really let himself go. He looks highly un-groomed and shaggy. Perhaps he is starting a grubby trend?

"Dude, why shower? Just chill like me."

He naturally wants to know how Clay feels about his upcoming reunion with Chrissy and Clay just doesn’t know because all this long distance has been harder than he expected. Mayor G-Thing of course derides him, saying he’s stuck in this relationship not knowing what to do instead of living the good life chilling with the Mayor and not combing his hair. Clay looks defeated – and groomed.

Ah, Clay has decided to take matters into his own hands and give Chrissy a call. She’s hanging out around campus up at UCSB, reading… sitting on the grass… getting filmed. Clay is at his “beach house,” which I’m still really hoping is just his regular house and not some second supplemental house his parents decided to purchase a block away from their primary residence. And now the bad news: Clay is headed to Arizona in the morning to look at some colleges. The one weekend Chrissy will be in town! How did the producers let this scheduling glitch slip through the cracks? Or is this just some clever ploy to get Chrissy to slip up while Clay is “out of town?” Time and truth tell all. Either way, tonight Chrissy simply must come to the “beach house” for dinner so the two of them can figure out where they stand. Chrissy changes into frump gear and bids her sorority sisters farewell, planning to see them tomorrow when they arrive in Orange County.

Chrissy takes a fashion tip from Mayor G-Thing.

Back in Newport Mommy and Daddy are so excited to see their little princess and her bags full of laundry. They want to know how college is and Chrissy is just so happy she joined a sorority. She even had a sorority date party and this is where the parents get to learn about Billy, prompting Mommy to ask what’s going on with Clay. Only dinner at the beach house can answer that question, Mommy.

And speaking of the beach house, Clay is slicing tomatoes and lighting candles. Chrissy has de-frumped for dinner and sits down to tell Clay all about college. See, there is this huge group of people who all hang out together and they get to do lots of activities with frats. How do you like that, Clay? “Uh…” Chrissy tells him he needs to follow through and come up to visit her. Yes, Clay. You would love some of the frat activities Chrissy has been involved with. Clay wants to know where they stand and Chrissy’s all, “Well, I still really like you and we obviously have fun together, BUT…” and Clay’s all, “Yeah it would be stupid to throw away what we have…” and Chrissy’s like, “That’s what I’m saying too, it’s just so hard to be far away…” and Clay’s all, “Yeah there’s a lot of trust involved. What about seeing other people, ‘cause I’m not. Do you like any guys?” And Chrissy’s all, “I don’t like any one guy, I’ve just been meeting SO many people…” Poor Clay, this doesn’t sound good.

"So... uh... what now? Huh?"

The next day over in Santa Monica, Original Allie and Fatty find a picnic table of their own to assess their college situation so far. Here is Allie’s summation: “I really like it here. I’m having fun like, living up in Santa Monica like, and I like the fact that like, we’re so close to home but like, yet we’re like, far enough that I feel like I’m actually like, getting college experience.” Well said, Allie. Also, Allie has done the opposite of Mayor G-Thing, in that she has stepped up her looks a notch. She looks really cute with some darker tones woven into her hair and her crazy bangs pulled into a bobby pin. Fatty, however, is still platinum.

Very impressive, Allie!

These two are really glad to be away from the “small town” drama (it’s called high school, girls. Newport Beach isn’t exactly small), but they’re also excited to see everyone again at Chrissy’s party.

Clay is apparently not leaving all that early for Arizona because he has time to interrupt Mayor G-Thing’s front-yard-golf-swing-practice to rehash the beach house dinner. Mayor G-Thing chants, “Tiger, Tiger, Tiger Woods, y’all!” which pretty much says it all. Clay says that while he’s not ready to give up all together on Chrissy, she didn’t really make anything clear last night. Surprise, surprise, Mayor G-Thing doesn’t think Clay should be stressing over chicks during this, their senior year. Especially when he himself has no chicks to stress over. There’s still hope, though, when the Mayor learns that Chrissy will be bringing some “sorority ass” from Santa Barbara to her party tonight. Keep dreaming, Mayor G-Thing.

And the “sorority ass” is just now arriving at Chrissy’s house! I guess skinny jeans are the trend in Santa Barbara. The girls are all weirded out because it’s like they’re together all the time, but now here they are hanging out in this random place! (Chrissy’s house.) OMG! Of course the beach house dinner comes up and Chrissy shares with the girls that she and Clay didn’t really determine anything. That dinner accomplished nothing. They want to know if she can hook up with other guys – like Billy – but Chrissy has no idea. Look who’s here! It’s Sasha! Sasha, meet the girls, girls, meet Sasha. Time to shop! As the girls ride across on the Balboa Island ferry, Kylie becomes the female Mayor G-Thing, telling Chrissy that she really needs to keep her options open and not be tied down to a high school boy. She and Allie keep telling Chrissy that there may be a surprise in store and that it’s definitely good she’s going shopping so she can look good tonight. Oh gee, I wonder if there’s any way on earth that the surprise could possibly be… Billy? Very stealth, ladies.

Later as the party is about to start, Daddy wants to know who all will be coming over and Chrissy tells him just Kylie and Allie. Cut to hordes of kids coming up Chrissy’s front walk and then embracing in her kitchen. Taylor is here, still petting her long hair, and Mayor G-Thing is obviously trying to take this opportunity to comfort her in her time of loss and grieving over Chase. Kylie meanwhile, is bouncing all over introducing herself to everybody with Chase.

"Hi! I'm Taylor's replacement!"

Well! Who should be showing up on the doorstep right this minute? It’s BILLY and his entourage of bejeweled fraternity boys! Now who saw that coming? Billy keeps his hood on in a very Chase-like fashion statement, and I have to say that he looks to me like a smaller, more feminine version of Clay. Not so very exciting. But we haven’t gotten to know him yet, so I could be all wrong.

"Then after we herded the sheep, we came here."

Mayor G-Thing perks all up, ready to go into espionage mode for his brah. He immediately starts making fun of diamond earrings, but I don’t see them on Billy. Perhaps the entourage? Party goers like Taylor and Original Allie start speculating as to what is going on between Chrissy and Billy.

Kylie/Chase and Chrissy/Billy head out to the patio where Kylie decides that Chrissy and Billy need some alone time. They start making out in full view of Mayor G-Thing and Taylor, among other people, who are peering down over a balcony at them. Mayor G-Thing runs out to the pool to call Clay and leave him a message telling him all about Billy being there and that it’s obvious he and Chrissy have been hooking up. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but good for the Mayor! Poor Clay. How dumb is Chrissy to make out with Billy right in front of Clay’s best friend?

No. No they're not.

The next day Taylor and her friend Alex go shopping and discuss the party. Taylor thinks it was weird to see Chase and Alex is proud to report that she acted like she didn’t know him. Apparently Chase is up to his old games because he texted Taylor this very morning saying, “Good morning, babe.” Ew, I don’t like him! To be honest, I’m not a huge Kylie fan either. Taylor says Chase just wants to have his cake and eat it too. No way, Chase? They like, wonder what like, Clay is going to like, do about like, Chrissy. He’s way too hot to be in a relationship they decide.

Chrissy and Daddy take Bogey for a walk and have some “girlfriend time.” Chrissy wants to know what Daddy thought of Billy and Daddy says he was surprised to see Billy, but that he was a very nice girl – I mean gay – I mean guy. She spills the beans about kissing Billy and Daddy wonders if it’s time to be honest with Clay. But Chrissy still has feelings for Clay, Daddy! Talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Daddy just wants Chrissy to remember that she’s in college to get an education, not to have a drama-fest. Now off you go back to Santa Barbara. See you at Thanksgiving!

Where does Chrissy go to school again?

For our final scene Clay and Mayor G-Thing go surfing and commiserate. Mayor G-Thing describes the “sorority ass” as “not dime pieces, but maybe a five piece.” I must be older than death because I have no idea what he’s talking about. I do know, however, that dime or five pieces, Mayor G-Thing got none of it. Clay wants to hear about Timmy, Jimmy… no Billy, and is very offended when the diamond earrings come up. Chrissy may be leaving him for a guy who wears diamond earrings? I hear you, Clay. It’s insulting. Mayor G-Thing admits that he saw Chrissy and Billy making out and he thinks that next weekend they should head up to Santa Barbara so Clay can see the situation for himself. Clay looks so sad and just gives a depressed little nod.

"Dude you're right again. No more showers."

Then he gets a surge of courage and says, “Yeah, let’s do it! Let’s go to Santa Barbara! I need to see this for myself!” Why Clay! I’ve never seen you so determined and aggressive! It’s highly attractive!

Next week the Newport boys put their plan into action and crash a Billy Party in Santa Barbara. Kylie lets them in and is not so happy with this “surprise” which she did not orchestrate. Uh oh, Chrissy and Billy are kissing in plain sight again!

So like, what did you like, think of this like, renewal of our like, show? Are you happy to catch up with the kids?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta