Schooling Your Palate

"Mm, soft and chewy... it must be a potato chip."

I would like to begin by apologizing for the tardiness of this week’s Hell’s Kitchen recap. I would also like to tell you that the reason for the tardiness is that I have been preoccupied learning how to cook a perfect Beef Wellington, but that just wouldn’t be true. In reality my day job has been kicking my butt this week and I simply didn’t get a chance to relish our latest kitchen shenanigans with Chef Ramsay until the end of the week. Thank you to all reading this for not losing faith in me. Next week I should be back on track. This week, as promised, the chefs have a blindfolded tasting competition and Bonnie cries a lot. Without further ado, let’s examine just what went down in Hell’s Kitchen!

We start this episode by joining the chefs regrouping after Joanna’s elimination last week. Jen is still very shaken up by her dumpster diving experience and as she tears up Bonnie hugs her and tells her there is no crying in the kitchen. This coming from the person who has cried more than everyone except Aaron. Vinnie joins in, telling Jen he would have thrown her out of his kitchen and now when he looks at her he sees the girl who took food out of the trash. Excuse me, Vinnie? Isn’t that stain on your jacket from Chef Ramsay smashing an egg on your incompetent chest? Quiet down.

"I don't ever make mistakes. I'm Vinnie."

Bonnie says that people have no idea what they’re going through. They are running on no sleep and it is three in the morning. “We’re in hell! …hell, …hell,” Thank you, Fox Post Production team, for pressing the echo button on Bonnie when she announced that the Hell’s Kitchen contestants are in hell.

The next morning Chef Ramsay gathers the chefs to begin a new day of torment and he starts by reminding Jen to stay out of the bins and asking Vinnie if he had nightmares of himself, Chef Ramsay and a box of quail eggs. He tells everyone that their palates are lacking and that today they will be having a tasting challenge. Herr Narrator explains that each chef will be blindfolded and asked to identify three different foods by tasting them. It’s Red against Blue and the team with the most correct answers wins. They did something like this on the first season of Top Chef and I never realized that taste depends so much on sight. Apparently it’s extremely difficult to identify food when you can’t see it. Weird. First up are Brad and Julia. They are both blindfolded and fit with headphones blaring music so that Chef Ramsay can announce to everyone else what is going into their mouths.

Taste Buds 101

To make sure the headphones are serving their purpose, Chef Ramsay calls Brad a sack of bleep and looks for a reaction. Satisfied that they can’t hear, he announces American cheese and sticks a square into both mouths. Julia gets it, but Brad thinks it’s cheddar. They both get fried chicken right, but when fed a boiled carrot, Brad thinks it’s papaya and Julia thinks it’s a radish. The score is Women – 2, Men – 1. Chef Ramsay tells Brad he’s just been beaten by a Waffle House chef. Take that!

Next up are Painfully Beautiful Melissa and Rock. They start with hard boiled egg yolk, which Rock identifies but Melissa thinks is a potato. Boiled potato is actually the next item and they each get it. Venison, however, stumps them both.

It’s neck and neck at 3 all. Next up are Josh the sous chef and Bonnie the nanny. Bonnie can hear through her blaring music and so her headphones need to be adjusted. They taste lobster that Bonnie thinks is langoustine and Josh thinks is a scallop. Chef Ramsay is disgusted. Next is bok choy, which I couldn’t identify in a million years, even with all five senses in tact. Bonnie confessionals that ever since she was little she liked to sample weird things and loved putting them in her mouth. We’ll leave that alone because the innuendo is just too obvious. She recognizes the bok choy. Josh thinks it’s a radish. Next is a piece of pear and Oral Bonnie gets it, but Josh thinks it’s a mango. Chef Ramsay chastises Josh for losing to a nanny.

The score is now Women – 5, Men – 3, so it’s all up to Vinnie to pull this one out for the guys. He comes up against Jen. They both get a piece of seared tuna and Chef Ramsay announces that if Vinnie misses it the guys are finished. I’m a little confused because it seems like he would still have a shot at tying up the score, but I’m not going to argue with Chef Ramsay. Vinnie thinks it’s pancetta. I looked up pancetta and it’s Italian spiced pork that has been air dried for up to four months. I’m no genius, but wouldn’t seared tuna be soft and juicy? I’m picturing pancetta to be textured sort of like beef jerky, so Vinnie is way off. The guys lose yet another challenge. I’m not at all surprised because I think the guys are all talk. Chef Ramsay tells the girls that he is taking them to the most amazing dining experience they’ve ever had, while the guys have to stay home and prep both kitchens for tonight’s dinner service. While they work they will also be improving their palates by eating a whole bunch of crap. Sous Chef Mary Ann brings out a plate of guts that Chef Ramsay says includes beef liver, tongue, pig’s feet, tripe (stomach lining), and kidneys. It kind of jiggles there on the table.

Delicioso

Bonnie tells us privately how gross everything is, in case we couldn’t tell from that presentation, and Josh confessionals that he’s disappointed because he thought the guys would knock this out of the park. Sounds familiar.

The guys go upstairs to smoke and pout before their punishment begins. They decide to fixate on the fact that Bonnie could hear through her headphones when her turn began. In fact, Vinnie comes over to Bonnie while she puts on her Chef-Ramsay-impressing makeup and tells her that she named her food exactly the way Chef Ramsay said it, meaning “bok choy stem.” She says simply that she didn’t cheat, but then she tells us that the guys are making excuses. I agree. Shut up and eat your tripe, Vinnie. The girls are all dolled up and head out in their Hell’s Kitchen SUV for the dining experience of a lifetime! In the car Bonnie complains about the guys accusing her of cheating. She says that she has lost all of her sympathy for them and that jealousy makes you nasty.

The guys sit down to lunch and their crap has been diced into small pieces and garnished with pickled palm leaf, grass jelly, creamed herring and pickled herring. I like anything pickled and I don’t mind herring, so that part doesn’t sound too bad. Sous Chef Scott also mentions that they are eating “trotters” which is just another way of saying pig’s feet. He throws some barf bags in the middle of the table and tells them to eat up.

Meanwhile the girls meet up with Chef Ramsay at Opaque for lunch. This is a restaurant where you eat in pitch darkness. I did a little checking into this and it’s kind of a cool idea, but it mostly seems like an expensive gimmick. Apparently this is a riveting new trend that is sweeping through Europe and has just become available in Los Angeles. You pay about a hundred dollars a person and choose from a pre-set menu and then proceed into darkness for the rest of your experience. The menu is pretty ordinary, with choices like chicken, steak, ravioli, or vegetarian. All are served with a salad and a choice of tiramisu or cheesecake. Really? A hundred dollars for them to turn the lights off and serve me ordinary food? I won’t be “dining in the dark” any time soon. I can do that at home much cheaper with a pizza. Anyway the girls form a chain and enter the dining room with Chef Ramsay. Julia says that she never thought about eating in the dark, but she supposes that fine dining is all about taste. And Opaque is all about a gimmick. I added that part.

"I'll have the #4 combo meal, super sized."

Staring at their food in blinding daylight, the guys are none too pleased with their midday entrails. Rock seems to be having the hardest time getting the food down and Vinnie keeps egging him on to just throw up.

Back at Opaque Bonnie tells Chef Ramsay that he has “the nicest voice in the dark.” Oh brother. This man calls her a dumb blonde and a Barbie constantly. I don’t know if acting silly around him will improve her chances.

Rock is still struggling with his food and needs help identifying his tripe. Brad hands him a barf bag. He confessionals that he was worried about a vomiting domino effect, where if Rock threw up they would eventually all throw up. Vinnie keeps encouraging the vomit and Rock finally excuses himself to go to the restroom.

Oh Rock, stop being such a sissy.

Following their dark lunch, the girls return to the dorms and decide to take a nap while the guys are busy prepping their kitchen for them. Excellent notion. The guys are all tired and irritable while they get ready for tonight’s dinner service. Too bad, losers!

Just before Hell’s Kitchen opens, Chef Ramsay gathers everyone around to tell them that tonight the diners will be filling out comment cards which will decide the contestants’ fate. “Move your arse!” Jean Philippe goes to open Hell’s Kitchen.

The first order is a complete description of the bloody risotto our chefs always have so much trouble with. It is actually a “pea risotto with parmesan shavings and toasted almonds.” Well, that explains why it’s green. Chef Ramsay tells Jean Philippe that he wants to know about any complaints from the diners. Josh completes some bloody risotto and brings it over for Chef Ramsay to sample. Of course it isn’t cooked properly and Chef Ramsay puts it back on the stove, admonishing Josh to “work the risotto, work the risotto.” Josh just stands there watching. Chef Ramsay tells them all to get a grip.

Over in the Red Kitchen Melissa calls out “two minutes” to the girls, letting them know when she would like to present to Chef Ramsay. Bonnie tells Julia that her scallops are overcooked, but I would never take Bonnie’s word for anything. Julia begins again on her scallops and tells Melissa she needs two more minutes, even though Melissa has already reached one minute on her countdown. Here is how the conversation proceeds:

Melissa: I gotta put my risotto up, you ready?
Julia: Did you hear me? I need two minutes.
Melissa: READY, JULIA???
Julia: I told you I need two minutes.
Melissa: But that was one minute ago. One minute?

I really don’t like Melissa. She’s way too shrill and bossy. Chef Ramsay senses that something has gone wrong and Julia immediately tells him that she overcooked her scallops. Chef Ramsay thanks her and then yells at Melissa that she is in charge of the appetizers, but is running ahead of everybody and not being a team player. Ha! He says that if he doesn’t see some team spirit he’ll kick Melissa out and run the section himself. Then he accuses Melissa of just wanting to get all of her appetizers out and look good. While saying this part he goes to a mirror and starts patting his face and pretending to adjust his boobs.

"No Chef. My boobs are fake and never need adjusting."

Oh, there goes Melissa, getting judged on her devastating looks again. Chef Ramsay tells her to piss off and calls her a bleeping bimbo. I’m liking this way too much. Is that wrong? Melissa immediately turns to Julia and blames everything on her, saying, “Every time you’re slow I’m being yelled at.” Julia just says, “Thank you, Melissa,” and continues cooking. Go Julia!

Back on the Blue side, Josh is standing around not cooking anything, which sends Chef Ramsay into a panic. He yells at Rock for not assigning Josh to scallop cooking and Josh berates himself quietly. After 45 minutes of dinner service the Blue dining room is finally enjoying their appetizers. The guys have moved on to entrées and Vinnie has of course screwed the pooch on his Beef Wellingtons. He has overcooked them and needs an additional 15 minutes. Chef Ramsay says, “What are you on about, 15 minutes?” British talk. Chef Ramsay wants to know how many Wellingtons Vinnie has fudged and he confesses to four.

Bonnie is having trouble of her own cooking meat. She has a chicken breast in a pan that is apparently still raw. She slices it in half and puts both halves back in the pan. Chef Ramsay asks her if she has indeed sliced the chicken and continued cooking it. She points to some chicken on the counter and says, “That chicken?” Yes Bonnie. Chef Ramsay is asking if the chicken sitting on the counter is in the pan. Chef Ramsay almost loses his rag, telling Bonnie that every time he asks her a sensible question he gets a dumb blonde answer. He calls her a stupid cow. Next he asks if some chicken is in the oven and Bonnie says, “Yes Chef,” while lining it up on a pan to go in the oven. That’s all Chef Ramsay can stand and he screams, “I’ve had enough now! Stop lying to me! You’re saying ‘yes’ all the bleeping time, yet nothing’s done!!” Bonnie sits there with her usual bewildered look. She doesn’t understand how Chef Ramsay could so quickly forget that she complimented his voice in the dark earlier.

"Did this afternoon mean nothing to you, Chef?"

Herr Narrator tells us that two hours into the dinner service the Red Kitchen has served 14 entrées, but the Blue Kitchen has served only six. Jean Philippe is making his rounds letting the diners know that there will be a “slight delay” on the entrées. One tall lady says that they haven’t even gotten their appetizers yet, they don’t need any more bread, and they want food! Apparently quite familiar with Hell’s Kitchen and quite keen to be on-camera, this lady decides to march over to Chef Ramsay herself and complain about the long wait. Chef Ramsay tolerates her presence long enough to find out which table she is from and then tells Jean Philippe to take the “giraffe” back to her friends. The giraffe is highly offended and wants to fight, but Chef Ramsay just says, “Move your bleeping arse, will ya?”

"What's it going to take for me to get on-camera?"

"I said I want a close-up!"

Next Chef Ramsay is riding Vinnie’s butt about his Wellingtons and Vinnie finally produces a group of entrées. The Wellington is supposed to be medium and someone says to Chef Ramsay that Vinnie is “flashing” Wellingtons in the oven after they’re cooked. Oh no. Chef Ramsay yells, “Stop, stop, stop, stop, STOP! Blue donkeys come here!” They all have to come over and touch the “medium” Wellington to discover that it is rare. He accuses Vinnie of just not caring anymore. Vinnie confessionals that Chef Ramsay was on him tonight with his hawk eye. Nice excuse, Vinnie. Vinnie quickly comes up with another Wellington, but this time Chef Ramsay discovers that there is raw pastry on the meat that hasn’t been trimmed off. He orders Rock to tell Vinnie to trim the pastry. Chef Ramsay continues berating Vinnie about his Wellingtons, asking him if every other one is correct, or only one in three. Vinnie claims to have a perfect Wellington in his hands, but Chef Ramsay is curious to see how many he screwed up and threw away. He comes over to examine Vinnie’s bin, which contains six Wellingtons and one chicken. He tells Vinnie that this much error would have closed a restaurant and then he utters some very risqué profanity.

Chef Ramsay debates whether or not to
serve food from Vinnie's trash bin.

Guess who is in charge of the beef Wellington over in the Red Kitchen. It’s our resident genius Bonnie. Bonnie tells Chef Ramsay that her Wellington has three more minutes to go. She then looks around and says she has no idea what is going on. Well there’s a shocker. Martyr Melissa steps in and announces very loudly that she will be helping Bonnie with the Wellingtons. Bonnie says she doesn’t even know what the oven temperatures are anymore. The Wellingtons are supposed to be medium and they’re rare, so Bonnie blames Melissa for stepping in. Chef Ramsay notices that something is amiss and starts jumping up and down screaming, “Look at them!” referring to Melissa and Bonnie. He says that too many cooks are messing up the Wellingtons tonight. Bonnie announces that she has to start over.

As the Red Team starts over on their Wellingtons, the Blue Team begins to catch up on their main courses. One diner tells Jean Philippe that her fish is too salty so he brings it over to Chef Ramsay, who makes all the guys taste it. Next a diner complains that his spaghetti is undercooked, so again it comes back to Chef Ramsay. Chef Ramsay says, “Where is that pretty boy sushi man?” inexplicably referring to Josh as pretty. Josh tastes the spaghetti and confessionals that there was nothing wrong with it. Chef Ramsay decides it’s time to gather everyone around for a good tongue lashing. He reminds them that the customers are deciding their fate tonight and marvels that they are still sending out crap. He warns them that if one more dish is sent back, he’s bleeping shutting it down!

Chef Ramsay jumps right back onto Bonnie asking her for an ETA on some chicken and Wellingtons. When she tells him that her Wellington is done but her chicken is still cooking, Chef Ramsay becomes upset again because chicken should only take half as long as Wellington. He tells Bonnie that he has to break things down for her into “nannified” terms so that she can understand. Bonnie cries in a confessional that no one takes her seriously because she is just the nanny with the good palate. Personally I don’t take her seriously because she flirts like a little girl with Chef Ramsay, parades in her panties, and cries a lot. It has nothing to do with her being a nanny. Bonnie presents Chef Ramsay with two chicken breasts, both of which are all wrong and Chef Ramsay is about to flip out. Just then Jean Philippe arrives with another sent-back dish. This time it is cold chicken.

Bonnie forgot to turn on the oven at all.

True to his threats, Chef Ramsay calls the chefs around him and drops the latest sent-back plate onto the floor, shattering it everywhere. Then he tells everyone to get out and clear down.

While the customers fill out their comment cards Bonnie bursts into tears – again. She bawls that she’s not cut out to be here and she can’t cope with it. I agree, but Julia tells her not to start talking like that. It’s back to another teary Bonnie confessional, where she says that in real life she only cooks for four people and if something isn’t ready it’s okay because they all know her. Boo hoo I want to go home!

"At my nanny job the kids always
tell me the oven temperature!"

As the guys do their clear down, Rock paces around saying over and over again that they panicked. When both teams line up to hear tonight’s verdict, Chef Ramsay tells them that according to the comment cards the customers liked the majority of the food, but 65% of them would never come back because the food took too long. A restaurant would fail with those numbers, so no one wins tonight! Chef Ramsay tells Rock that he was solid… as a rock, ha! So he gets to nominate one team member. Chef Ramsay advises him to cut the crap and get straight to the heart of the problem. Next he turns to Melissa who gets ready to hear that she was great tonight, but instead he tells her that she was bad and will not be nominating anyone. So there, Melissa! Next Chef Ramsay imitates Bonnie being confused about her chicken and he does a little confused twirl while saying, “What chicken?” He complains that he can’t even get a straight answer from her. In the end Jen gets to nominate someone because she wasn’t brilliant, but she wasn’t bad. Now fudge off back to the dorm! Chef Ramsay watches them go while shaking his head and muttering more profanity.

Upstairs Jen asks Rock if he knows what he’s going to do and Rock says that yes, he knew even before dinner service started. Oh gee, I wonder who he’ll be nominating. Could it be his arch enemy Josh? The other three guys gather to smoke and speculate and Vinnie is certain that he will be the nominee because he performed so poorly tonight. In the girls’ room Bonnie is packing her things since she’s pretty sure she’ll be the one going home tonight. Melissa feels sorry for Jen because she is a kind person and won’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Jen makes the idiotic decision of talking things over with Vinnie, who of course gives her terrible advice. He says to nominate the person she is most threatened by so that she can rid herself of competition. I don’t think that works as well in Hell’s Kitchen as it does on Survivor. After all, Chef Ramsay has the final decision and he always picks the person who performed the worst. So if Jen does something stupid like nominate Julia, it certainly won’t be Julia who goes home. Jen complains to Vinnie that this is too hard and she is too nice for this. Vinnie taunts her, asking if she came on the show to be the nice girl. She says that no she didn’t, but she’s still all torn up.

Back downstairs everyone lines up to hear the nominees. Surprise, surprise, (solid as a) Rock nominates Josh. He says that Josh has maxed out his potential and he is not an asset to the team at this moment. Jen nominates Melissa, saying that tonight her leadership skills just weren’t there.

"Pretty boy sushi man and the bimbo...?"

Judge Ramsay thinks for a minute and then announces that he’s disappointed on both fronts. Neither team nominated their weakest performer of the evening, so guess what. They’ve both been overruled! Duhn, duhn, duhn! Bonnie and Vinnie are ordered to step forward and take their medicine. Vinnie admits that his head was so far up his own butt during the dinner service that he has no idea whether Josh was good or bad. Judge Ramsay says that’s a good answer. Bonnie admits that she knows she screwed up big time. When asked why Judge Ramsay should keep him, Vinnie says that when Judge Ramsay puts his name behind a restaurant in Las Vegas, he (Vinnie) is the most qualified chef here. Judge Ramsay nips that thought process in the bud, telling Vinnie that he needs some humility and he needs to admit that he screwed up and can’t cook a Wellington. Bonnie’s plea is that she is starting out and that she is sure that when Judge Ramsay was starting out he made mistakes too. She insists that she is learning from her mistakes. It’s time for Judge Ramsay’s black-and-white reverie and he decides that the person to go will be… Vinnie. He says that Vinnie has peaked and can’t go any further. Take your jacket off and get out of Hell’s Kitchen. Vinnie slinks away, saying that there’s no way he can keep up with Chef Ramsay and that you don’t get second chances in Hell’s Kitchen. That’s right, loser, now scram. Judge Ramsay tells the remaining chefs that he will not stand for any more excuses. Bonnie whines to the camera some more about not being cut out for this. Josh gloats to the camera about Judge Ramsay overruling Rock’s nomination. Rock takes us out with this charming quote: “None of them are a threat to Rock. Only Rock is a threat to Rock.” Thanks Rock. Now get out of here. Vinnie’s picture lights up and he burns in Hell’s Kitchen.

So what do you think? Are we all glad to see Vinnie go? He did seem to get a little too big for his britches at times. Ironically, I think it’s probably Bonnie’s Barbie-ness that saved her butt for at least one more week. Chef Ramsay doesn’t fool me entirely!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Operation Dumpster Dive

"You made what?"

This week between episodes of Hell’s Kitchen I became very inspired and tried to cook a little myself. Well “cook” might be pushing it because I really just put a bunch of stuff into the food processor and turned it on. But I did succeed in creating actual hummus – according to the recipe that came with the food processor. Chez Honey Gangsta is underway! So far there is one item on the menu. I also caught a few minutes of Chef Ramsay on the BBC in his “Kitchen Nightmares,” and realized that he does have it in him to be a very encouraging and helpful mentor. Of course, that side of him only comes out after he has torn his protégés down to a mere sliver of existence. And those little British chefs are much more meager and timid than the Americans in Hell’s Kitchen. I’m surprised they survived at all. Anyway, maybe this week Chef Ramsay can be my TV mentor and inspire me to make something that actually requires heat. Here’s hoping…

We open this episode joining the Blue Team chefs puffing away like chimneys and discussing last week’s elimination. Josh, sucking away at a cigarette, wants to know why Rock nominated him. Rock says it’s because Josh thinks he’s the team leader, but he’s really only a fellow chef. Josh says that’s what Rock thinks (deep inhale).

The Red Team chefs are congratulating each other on beating the guys and a couple of them are also having a smoke. Their apartment must smell great. I’m still kind of shocked that these people who certainly must know something about taste and nutrition are smoking like there’s no tomorrow. Gross. At least they don’t smoke in the kitchen because the last thing anyone needs to be served is cigarette ash. Julia (after her smoke) decides to go and study while everyone else sleeps. She realizes that she is a step behind the others since she is a short order cook and still has a lot to learn.

At 6 AM sharp everyone is startled awake by the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy playing reveille in their ears. Captain Von Trapp also joins in, blowing into his ship whistle with all of his might to awaken the sleeping smokers. A bunch of sailors come into the bedrooms, screaming at everyone to get up, get their uniforms on and get downstairs. They keep screaming while the chefs frantically try to pull their clothes on.

Well this is a surprise, guess who is having a cramp? It’s our favorite hypochondriac Aaron. You see, he just can’t handle strenuous tasks like getting dressed. He’s about to lose it. Bonnie comes tearing out of the shower in a towel and tells us that she was running around the house half-naked and she wasn’t happy. That’s odd because last week when she was half-naked it was her happiest moment. I think she was just upset because her hair was wet. Vinnie confessionals that he played the bugle at band camp. Then he pantomimes playing the bugle and yells, “Rebuly, rebuly!” Is he missing teeth? The soldiers are still yelling at them to wipe the smiles off their faces and get downstairs. Rock and Brad have to physically put Aaron’s clothes on him, while Rock confessionals that it is an essential part of teamwork to never leave anyone behind. Way to play into the military theme, Rock, but we are not in Vietnam, we are in Hell’s Kitchen and the sooner that helpless little (obese) girl is left behind the better.

Downstairs the chefs line up to be berated again by Chef Ramsay for last night’s dinner service. He tells them that since they are clearly not ready to serve dinner, this morning they are going to – for the first time ever in Hell’s Kitchen – serve breakfast!
Huge smiles from our resident Waffle House short order cook. Boo-ya to the wenches who thought Julia was going to hold them back!

Chef Ramsay says that their challenge is to cook the most amazing consistent breakfast from start to finish for a whole big bunch of soldiers. As the soldiers file in chanting and clapping Julia sheds a few tears in honor of our nation’s Armed Forces. Joanna, with a little less dignity, can hardly contain her glee and she confessionals that men in uniform are “so sexy!” OMG!

Herr Narrator tells us in his doomsday voice that the Red Team is cooking for the Army and the Blue Team is cooking for the Navy. “With 50 soldiers and 50 sailors all hungry and waiting to be fed, the teams must work with military precision to get their food out.” Kudos to the Fox production assistant who came up with that copy for staying right on theme. Sous Chef Mary Ann tells Julia that she is counting on her to be the leader. Go Waffle House! Julia assigns each of her team members to a station and tells them they have this one in the bag. She runs a breakfast kitchen five days a week!

On the Blue Team Aaron is volunteering to do omelets, which sounds like a horrible idea to me, but amazingly no one reassigns him to sweeping. Sous Chef Scott tells Aaron that he’ll have to do six or seven omelets at a time, which Aaron says will be no problem. Yeah right. Aaron immediately starts a fire and throws away two omelets.

Julia, meanwhile, is whipping up omelets like nobody’s business. She keeps feeling them with her fingers so I hope her hands are clean, but at least she’s not smoking on them. Herr Narrator tells us that 17 minutes into the service the Red Team has served 20 plates to the Army. The Navy has received nothing from the Blue Team. A clever sailor says, “If I would’ve known I was going to get my food quicker I would have joined the Army.” Good one!

Chef Ramsay starts yelling at Aaron for burning omelets and although he looks like he wants to unleash on him, he also looks like he realizes that doing so may throw Aaron into cardiac arrest. Aaron begs to switch with someone. Jeepers, who saw that coming? Brad confessionals that he doesn’t think Aaron is their weakest link, he knows Aaron is their weakest link. Josh and Brad take over the egg station and the Blue Team finally gets their first plates out to thunderous applause from the Navy. I would say that’s sweet, but I have a feeling it was more of a mocking applause.

Back in the Army, a lady soldier is complaining to Jean Philippe that her hash browns aren’t cooked. Chef Ramsay starts yelling at Joanna, the hash brown culprit. He barks orders at her, telling her to start up another pan and not run out of hash browns. Joanna takes too long delivering hash browns to Bonnie and Chef Ramsay is screaming, “Leave it there! Leave it there! Leave it there!” Someone is in trouble. Remember how Joanna’s plan was to flirt with Chef Ramsay? Instead she is becoming his errant dog. The next problem is that a plate of hash browns is too cold to serve and everyone has to gather around and touch them just to hammer the point home. Joanna starts to tell Chef Ramsay that she is out of potatoes and here is his response. “Shut up. Shut up. Look at me. I’m going to tell you to shut it now. Missy! Hello? Salty, raw, I’ve had it with you!” Oh what a flirt fest! We are led to commercial by a combat boot stepping in some mud and leaving a bootprint of the Hell’s Kitchen logo. I love themed episodes.

Operation Themed Episode

We come back to discover that Chef Ramsay is still furious with Joanna who is causing a road block for her team. Julia takes control, saying, “Let’s rock it out ladies!” That should help. The Blue Team on the other hand, is not doing so well. They too are trying to send out cold dishes to their diners. Chef Ramsay only makes Brad come over and feel the cold food, then accuses him of “having a laugh,” which makes me have a laugh of my own. Chef Ramsay starts yelling that it’s all about consistency and wonders if Brad is just consistently sh**. Aaron is hovering in a corner not doing anything besides cramping and Chef Ramsay screams at him to cook some bacon and sausage. Aaron moves a little, but mostly he just looks scared. He drops an entire tray of sausage.

The girls are on their last order and Chef Ramsay tells them to really step it up. They finish successfully and get a “well done!” from the king. He tells Julia she was exceptional and instead of “clearing down,” which is apparently British for cleaning up, she gets to go and become captain of the boys’ team now. Julia steps right in and gets things going in the Blue Kitchen. Chef Ramsay exclaims, “Finally a leader!” Julia belongs here. Bravo, Julia! The guys are, of course, totally confused as to how they could have done so poorly that a girl – a Waffle House short order cook no less – had to come over and bail them out. These guys talk a huge game for never winning anything. The troops are all formally dismissed from Hell’s Kitchen and we go to a confessional from Vinnie. “It was very disheartening not to be able to serve the people who serve us.” Vinnie can barely get that line out before he looks down at his lap like he’s about to crack up. I think we have our production assistant writing more copy.

"Can I pretend to play the bugle again?"

The teams line up for Chef Ramsay’s evaluation. He tells the girls that they did a great job and especially congratulates Julia for taking charge. Then he tells the guys that they suck and still no one has emerged as a leader. Their punishment is KP duty, which urbandictionary.com tells me means Kitchen Police in the military, so it’s really just a fancy themed way of telling them they have to peel over a thousand pounds of potatoes and onions for an entire military base while the girls get a major award. The military has arranged a special day for the girls, so they need to go get ready to leave via helicopter. The girls are ecstatic. Bonnie says that Chef Ramsay is definitely a guy worth getting dressed up for. I would have expected her to say undressed, but maybe that’s just reserved for her competition.

The boys start unloading a truck full of potatoes and onions by hand and Josh tells us he feels like dog crap. Well, you cooked like dog crap Josh, so that figures. Sous Chef Scott stands around yelling at the guys to act like men, not a bunch of little girls, and then the girls twirl through again, rubbing it in that they are off on a fantastic journey while the boys have to suffer. Rock tells them to shut the bleep up and confessionals that he looks forward to the day that the guys get to parade past the girls after winning a challenge. Dream on, Rock, because it doesn’t look good.

In the kitchen it looks like unloading the truck was too much for our fragile little flower Aaron and he passes out – again. Someone calls for a medic… just like on the battlefield! It’s theme day in Hell’s Kitchen!

An ambulance comes to take Aaron away, but he’s just sitting up in what looks like the back seat with oxygen tubes up his nose. Remember the ambulance from last week’s preview with Chef Ramsay screaming “You’ll kill someone!” Well this is the ambulance and it’s just Aaron having another tizzy fit while none of the chefs have killed anyone. Another fake out from the editors at Fox. Meanwhile the girls are in a helicopter laughing about the guys back home peeling potatoes. The helicopter lands on the hauntingly familiar USS Midway. I know this place because this is where ABC sent Bachelor Andy “Mayo” Baldwin to take two girls on a date a mere few weeks ago! The Midway is a retired battleship that has been converted into a museum for the public, so our girls get to go on the same tour that the Bachelor took his lucky ladies on while deciding who would be his future bride. Our girls have the benefit of a real tour guide who doesn’t need to explain to them the process of going through a cafeteria line to pick up food – The Bachelor did a demonstration, seriously. Chef Ramsay does, however, point out that the mannequin “serving” the food looks like Josh.

"This food is so erotic!"

The shot of the mannequin fades into a shot of Josh peeling potatoes (clever!) and the guys are working up quite a sweat with their peeling. Josh is trying to take charge and assign everyone a task in the peeling and Rock is having none of it. He confessionals that he wants to tell Josh to shut the bleep up. That must be his phrase for the day.

Back on the Midway the girls get to have another lunch with Chef Ramsay and he gives them another tip about being good chefs. He tells them that the secret to any restaurant is consistency. Melissa and Bonnie are particularly excited about this alone time with Chef Ramsay, but I don’t notice Joanna doing any flirting.

Later at the dorms the girls decide to disrobe again – this time to sit in the hot tub with some wine. The guys return from KP duty and have a conference to decide who should be their team leader. To absolutely no one’s surprise, each guy nominates… himself. Great, this should be productive. Josh decides to be the bigger man tonight and changes his vote to Brad, then he explains to us in secret that he did all of that on purpose to get back at Rock for nominating him to be sent home last week. Rock determines that he shall have to out-think both Josh and Brad from now on. Oh Rock, why don’t you just tell them to shut the bleep up?

Bright and early the next morning the chefs return to Hell’s Kitchen for tonight’s attempt at a dinner service. Brad – the newly crowned team leader – tells the guys he thinks tonight is their night. As the girls start their prep in the Red Kitchen Sous Chef Mary Ann asks Julia if she’s ever done a crème brûlée. No. Does she know what one is? No. I guess they don’t serve that at the Waffle House, darn it all. I’m picturing crème brûlée, but I think I’m getting it confused with flan, so I’m just going to set the record straight. It’s custard with a crust of caramelized sugar. So is flan pretty much, so I wasn’t too far off. Bonnie complains privately that Julia never knows what anything is. That’s an odd thing to say about the person who led you to victory this morning, Bonnie, you bleeping Barbie (to quote Chef Ramsay). At least Julia knows the difference between scallops and spaghetti when Chef Ramsay calls them out so why don’t you just shut your mouth and adjust your panties?

Chef Ramsay steps into his office (quickly set up by the production assistants) to place a phone call to the hospital. We get a split screen shot of Aaron in a hospital gown sitting in a hospital bed – smoking. Just kidding, but you know he wants to be.

"Hang on, Chef. I'm lighting a cigarette."

This is all very rehearsed and staged, but basically what happens is that Aaron tells Chef Ramsay that he’s honored to be receiving this phone call and he’s worked all his life to get to this point of being able to work for His Majesty. Chef Ramsay says he’s very sorry, but according to doctor’s orders Aaron has a serious illness and can not return to Hell’s Kitchen. Aaron says, “All righty then. Bye.” Wow, don’t fight too hard there, Aaron, you’ll make yourself sick. Aaron tells us that he’s disappointed. He’s worked 40 years in a kitchen, and for what? Now he has some unnamed serious illness and it’s all going down the tubes. Yeah, it’s called hypochondria… accompanied by hysteria. And it got old. Aaron’s picture goes up in smoke and he burns in Hell’s Kitchen.

Chef Ramsay stands before the other chefs who have lined up for tonight’s pep talk, aka serious threats of violence. Chef Ramsay busts the news about Aaron and no one seems the least bit surprised. The guys say they can do without him even though they are down to four members and they tell Chef Ramsay that Brad is going to be their leader. Chef Ramsay is relieved. He tells the guys that as a part of their continuing punishment for losing the challenge yesterday, they are in charge of bringing water into the dining room when it arrives later on a truck. Interesting. Jean Philippe is told to open Hell’s Kitchen!

The first order of the night is for the Blue Team. Two bloody risottos, two scallops, one spaghetti and one mullet. As far as I know a mullet is a haircut, so I did a little research to discover that it is also a fish. You know what else? I’m beginning to realize that they serve pretty much the same thing at every dinner service. I guess that would make sense – like a restaurant they have a fixed menu. What doesn’t make sense is that the chefs don’t seem to be getting any better at making the same thing all the time. Let’s continue. Rock makes the fatal error of tossing the bloody risotto. I guess risotto is never meant to go up in the air, even a little bit. “Big bleeping donkey.” Rock’s next problem is that he is sweating so profusely that it is dripping into his eyes and he’s going around with one eye squeezed shut all the time. He doesn’t have time to wipe the sweat away. Has he ever heard of a bandana? Chef Ramsay gets in his face and taunts him, “Another wimp. Feeling dizzy? Medic! Medic!” Oh Chef Ramsay, don’t take out your Aaron-frustration on Rock just because you coddled Aaron instead of kicking his butt.

Rock tries Joanna's flirting tactics on Chef Ramsay.

Moving over to the girls we have another order. One bloody risotto, one scallop, one spaghetti and crab. Joanna is really excited because appetizers are her specialty so this is her chance to lead and shine. First up is the bloody risotto. Chef Ramsay tastes it and then makes Joanna taste it, so we know she’s about to get scolded. “It’s soft, it’s salty, yes and it’s just… it’s crap.” The girls (Joanna) have to start again.

Rock has also made some bloody risotto, which Chef Ramsay says is very nice, so I guess Rock is momentarily off the hook for sweating into his eyes. Rock confessionals that “Rock knows he’s the leader.” Okay, so now he’s referring to himself in the third person? That’s really annoying. And no, Rock isn’t the leader because the Blue Team voted Brad to be the leader. Honey Gangsta stands behind Brad (for now). Just as was predicted earlier, Jean Philippe is running out of water in the dining room so Chef Ramsay sends Josh out to get water from the water truck. Josh complains that he had to heft 2400 pounds of potatoes and onions earlier (I’m just glad he doesn’t exaggerate), so he’s in a lot of pain and takes a tumble trying to carry a load of water up the front steps of Hell’s Kitchen. Doofus.

It looks like the girls still haven’t gotten any appetizers out to their crowd. So much for Joanna’s leading and shining. Chef Ramsay discovers an undercooked scallop and calls Bonnie over. She asks what’s wrong, which sends Chef Ramsay into a fit of rage, ending with him telling her to “f” off. Note to self: Don’t ever ask Chef Ramsay or police officers what is wrong.

The guys seem to have pulled themselves together at least a little bit because Chef Ramsay is pleased to discover that they are acting like a team. Then he tells them they’ve sent two orders, so “don’t start wetting your pants.” And just when they thought they were getting some props.

The Red Team is on their third attempt to make their first appetizers. Joanna is licking some tongs which makes me never want to eat in a restaurant again.

Much faster than a dishwasher.

Chef Ramsay takes a look at her spaghetti and crab and starts getting really suspicious. He tracks down the container that the crab originally came out of and notices that it doesn’t smell right. He brings Mary Ann over to take a whiff and she has a very dramatic reaction. Way to make sure you make it on screen, Mary Ann. Joanna is trying to slink away but Chef Ramsay is right on her, warning, “Don’t you bleeping dare!” Apparently the crab is rancid and apparently it’s really easy to tell. Thankfully no one has been served any rancid crab yet, but here is the part where Chef Ramsay is waving around some Tupperware screaming, “You’ll kill someone!”

"Call an ambulance!"

Then the ambulance pulls up. No wait, oops. That was Aaron from earlier. Never mind. The previews had me all ready for the ambulance. Chef Ramsay screams at Joanna to get off, which I guess means that her days as appetizer queen are over. Jean Philippe asks Chef Ramsay if he should recommend something else to the diners, to which Chef Ramsay responds that he should recommend a new restaurant. Oh, you mean one where they won’t be poisoned?

It’s time for a visit from our friend Herr Narrator, who tells us that after an hour no food has left the Red Kitchen, and the diners are getting antsy. On the Blue side, however, over half of the guests are happily enjoying appetizers. It couldn’t go well for long, though. Chef Ramsay inspects a round of appetizers and discovers something necessitating a line up of the entire Blue Team. “Come here, donkeys!” He goes down the line asking everyone what it is in his hand and they all tell him it’s a raw egg. Remember those pesky little quail eggs we met in the first episode? Well Chef Ramsay smashes the one in his hand right into Vinnie’s chest, telling him to fudge off. Vinnie looks like he’s ready to just let loose on Chef Ramsay, but miraculously he holds it together. If this had been episode one we may have gone to fisticuffs, but I think Vinnie has learned that it doesn’t pay to fight with the king. Rock takes Vinnie’s arm and pulls him away from Chef Ramsay, but Chef Ramsay isn’t done. He demands to know why Vinnie let the egg go out if he knew it was raw. Vinnie just says that he screwed up again. Chef Ramsay marches up to get right in his face and tells him that he’s just confirmed that he isn’t trustworthy, and oh yeah, fudge off – in case he hadn’t already. I swear Vinnie is going to make a phone call later to Don Corleone asking him to “explain things” to Chef Ramsay. You can see that look in his eyes.

Leave the gun. Take the cannolis.

Back on the Red Team, the girls have made some appetizer progress thanks to Julia and Jen. One diner who has just been served says that after an hour and half the risotto better be good. I think her risotto didn’t get tossed, so she should be happy. Over the stove, Jen tells Julia that she is going to throw some spaghetti away because they appear to have enough. Just then there is a call for more spaghetti. Don’t worry – Jen has a solution. She is going dumpster diving. I mean, she just barely threw the spaghetti into the trash and she can boil it to kill the germs, right? She shares this little scheme with Julia who immediately vetoes it and starts up some new spaghetti. She’s pretty disgusted that Jen would take food out of the trash. Yeah, rancid crab and garbage spaghetti? This isn’t the Red Team’s finest hour.

The guys, meanwhile, have moved on to entrées. Brad, as elected team leader, asks Josh to start working on some beef Wellington. Josh is busy and can’t be bothered. Chef Ramsay sees this exchange and doesn’t like it one bit. He screams out to Josh. “You little bastard! Are you just trying to sabotage them so it makes you look good?” Busted! Of course Josh denies sabotage, but of course we know that he is up to no good in that sneaky little head of his.

Finally the girls have also graduated to serving entrées, but back in the Blue Kitchen Brad gets caught trying to scrape some burned pastry off the bottom of a beef Wellington. Chef Ramsay now has a conspiracy on his hands. He threatens something to Brad that comes out in Morse code due to all of the profanity. He screams and kicks the trash bins.

The girls are also having trouble with beef Wellington because as Jen was busy digging food out of the trash her Wellingtons were overcooking.

Jen, I think the boys may have just
tossed some near perfect Wellington.
Go have a look.

Chef Ramsay can’t believe it. He is completely dismayed and the diners are giving up and leaving in droves. Chef Ramsay calls both teams over (addressing Josh as Chef Sabotage) and has a mini tantrum, crumpling up all of the orders and throwing them while telling the chefs to get out.

Once the dining room has been cleared of disappointed customers, Chef Ramsay gets ready to address the teams. He’s shattered and exhausted. The guys have yet to complete any meal service whatsoever. He scolds Brad for his lack of leadership abilities and then congratulates Rock for doing well tonight in spite of his profuse sweating. The girls left 95% of their diners with no entrées. He tells Joanna to give him something back instead of just being a little pissy madam who doesn’t give a bleep. Bonnie is never to be trusted again because of her raw scallops (what’s wrong?). There are no winners tonight, but the losers are the Red Team. At first I thought this was just a ploy to even out the team numbers, but looking back the Red Team did have more mistakes that were pretty big. No one did well enough to deserve the honor of nominating other team members for elimination, so the girls have to all decide as a team. Now piss off! P.S. Chef Ramsay can still smell rancid crab.

Upstairs the girls pow-wow to figure out who should be nominated to leave. Joanna fesses up that she herself should be nominated and then she also volunteers Jen. Julia relates Jen’s tale of dumpster diving to the rest of the girls and they come to a consensus that it isn’t a good idea to send garbage out to their diners. Good thinking, ladies. Bonnie and Melissa decide to gang up on Julia for “not knowing the product” because of the crème brûlée question. They so conveniently forget Julia’s glorious triumph in the breakfast challenge. Bonnie’s been in more trouble than Julia lately so she really needs to just shut her trap. Barbie. Thankfully Joanna comes to Julia’s defense, but the girls end up nominating Julia anyway to stand up there with Joanna. Ridiculous!

Facing Judge Ramsay, Joanna tells him that she has been nominated and that the team also nominated Julia. But as soon as she finishes saying Julia’s name Jen pipes up, saying, “I’m the next nominee Chef,” causing the music to swell to a deafening volume as the girls look around with huge eyes and we go to commercial.

Judge Ramsay wants to know why the girls nominated Julia, so Joanna explains that it is because of her current knowledge level. Next it’s Jen’s turn to explain why she nominated herself and she regales Judge Ramsay with her trash tale. Judge Ramsay just does this:

Judge Ramsay has the three nominees step forward, but then decides that Julia has no business being nominated and sends her back in line. The girls try to defend themselves, but Joanna’s only real defense is that she would never take pasta out of the garbage and attempt to serve it. Judge Ramsay points out that she would, however, serve spaghetti with disgusting rancid crab. He thinks maybe they should both go home and then he lapses into his black-and-white reverie to determine who was the worst. And the loser is… Joanna. She leaves in shame and Judge Ramsay tells everyone they are unbelievable – this isn’t that difficult. He shoos them all away, reminding Jen to “stay away from bins.” Joanna’s picture goes up in flames as she burns in Hell’s Kitchen.

Two down this week! I’m so glad I don’t have to watch Aaron have cramps anymore. What a freaking sissy. And I guess Joanna has given up flirting her way into Chef Ramsay’s good graces. Next week there will be a blindfolded taste test and Bonnie cries again. Excellent.

What do you think? Are you happy with Judge Ramsay’s final decision? Did you like the military theme that only lasted through half of the episode?

Thanks for reading!

-Honey Gangsta

If You Teach a Man to Fish...

Quiet Time with Honey Gangsta

As I embark on my second recap of Hell’s Kitchen, I’d like to take a moment and thank my beloved audience who has so graciously supported me throughout Week One. First of all, I’ve discovered a couple of things on my own. I wasn’t completely right about my original assessment of Chef Ramsay. I admit that I thought he was just here to complain and that nothing would ever be good enough for him. While I still think he relishes a good tantrum, I also see that he genuinely appreciates well-cooked food. If something is good he says it’s good. I like that. Also, I learned that Chef Ramsay is Scottish, not British. My mistake, but I was confused because he doesn’t sound like Braveheart. I do still enjoy his phrasing of United Kingdom origin, and may refer to his word choice as British in the future. You’ve been warned. You guys have been awesome in helping me to get oriented on the show and the food and I love all of your feedback. One thing though. I know there is a great division over the use of the word “confessional” as a verb. I can’t help it. It has to stay because I just love it. We can all thank The Real World for this one. Now on with the show!

This week starts exactly where last week left off with Chef Ramsay watching the two teams leave the kitchen in shame. This is directly following Tiffany’s humiliating elimination, so everyone is retreating to the dorms to try and figure out what went wrong. Bonnie is shocked and confused about Chef Ramsay calling the girls evil and twisted.

"I'm not evil. I'm a nanny."

Joanna says that tomorrow they just have to buck up and get everything out to the diners. She also comes to the conclusion that she almost got eliminated because Melissa thinks she’s one of the best. Um, not at this stage, honey. This is where you’re still trying to beat the boys as a team. And PS: your attitude was not good. Especially when your spaghetti was confiscated. Guess again.

The guys all gather to wonder what on earth is wrong with Aaron. He whines that he wants to be light, not fat and slow, so that he can run around the kitchen and be a good team player. He could start by not crying hysterically through the entire dinner service if he’d like to do something immediately to help his team – but there I go being obvious.

Everyone finally gets to retire at about 3:15 AM and are harshly awakened a mere three hours later by Sous Chefs Mary Ann and Scott banging metal pans together and screaming at them to get up. They line up sleepily in the kitchen to hear about it all over again from Chef Ramsay. He talks about how much food he saw “in the bin” and how many thousands of dollars went to waste, which leads me to wonder again how much starving people would mind that the chicken was a little brown. They might even eat slightly goopy spaghetti. Just thinking out loud. Anyway, Chef Ramsay has decided that in order to get the contestants to avoid throwing so much away, they need to better understand where their food comes from, and to that end they are going to catch their own fish. Expecting the next shot to be of everyone boarding a fishing boat, I am slightly surprised that they don’t go any farther than the front door of Hell’s Kitchen. There is a huge truck there filled with a bunch of freshly caught fish in a mountain of ice. Some fish hands step into the truck to distribute the goods. Ah hah! They’re going to “catch” fish, not catch fish, get it? Like Gordon Ramsay would “catch” a football – if he played American football instead of European football which is soccer (in which there is actually no catching). I bet this activity smelled like a fresh bouquet of roses.

Hot stuff coming through!

Chef Ramsay holds up a tiny little fish and calls out to Eddie that this fish is the same size he is. Cut directly to a confessional of Eddie saying that people in the world think little guys can’t get things done and that’s partially why he’s here. Um, okay. Chef Ramsay sends everyone inside to put their fish in their storerooms and then giggles to Sous Chef Scott that the tuna was bigger than Eddie. Oh Chef Ramsay, you just kill me! Tuna! Well, Sous Chef Scott thinks it’s funny – he’d like to keep his job.

On the way to the storerooms with the fish, guess who starts to have another nervous breakdown. That’s right – Aaron! He doubles over and complains that he’s cramping. I’m pretty sure the storeroom wasn’t all that far away, I mean they were right outside the front door. Well, maybe it’s Aaron’s time of the month. That would actually explain a lot. Eddie takes over Aaron’s fish bucket. And Eddie is smaller than the tuna. Back in the kitchen Chef Ramsay tells everyone the next thing they have to do is clean the fish. Yeah that sounds really gross to me, but I’m not a chef, while Aaron on the other hand, loses it again completely. He starts whimpering about being dizzy and Chef Ramsay finally sends him away for a “time out” for 10 or 15 minutes in the dorm. “Off you go!” The immediate benefit of this is that the teams have the same number of members now, with the girls losing Tiffany, and now the boys losing Aaron while he goes to the naughty stool. Chef Ramsay holds up a Dover sole and says it’s one of the most expensive fish in the sea. The challenge is for each team to correctly skin each sole and remove the roe (disgusting looking fish-egg-mush), and whichever team produces the highest number of acceptably cleaned fish in 30 minutes wins. Another sweet smelling activity, I’m sure.

Peel and squish. Peel and squish.

This looks difficult because sole is a flatfish, so it appears to be very delicate. And I don’t think it would be that easy to squish out all of the roe without tearing some of the skinny little fish, so we shall definitely see what these chefs can do. They start and the narrator chimes in, dramatically repeating everything Chef Ramsay just explained. I admit, he does make it sound more scary. While everyone peels and squishes Melissa tells us she is worried about quantity. Just then Joanna yells out “Remember quality not quantity!” so I guess the girls aren’t all on the same page just yet. How will this fare for the next dinner service? We get some dramatic opera singing in the background as Chef Ramsay counts down the final seconds of the challenge.

When time is called, Chef Ramsay begins his thorough examination of each and every sole. Here is how it comes out. Eddie gets one of the two he completed. Brad has two acceptable fish. Vinnie has none and complains, “Come on!” which sends Chef Ramsay into a profanity-filled reprimand. Rock has one, and then Josh-food-is-sex steps up with his pan of four perfectly prepped fish, doubling the Blue Team’s score, giving them eight points total. Over on the Red Team, Painfully Beautiful Melissa presents four perfect fish (or at least four perfect winks), so already the girls are giving the boys a run for their money. Julia, the Waffle House short order cook, has successfully prepped both of her fish, making me wonder if I can order up some Dover sole at IHOP. Bonnie gets zero then Jen gets zero, putting all of our hopes onto Joanna. The score is 8 to 6, so in order to win all three of Joanna’s fish have to be perfect. After discovering that two of her three are good, we go to commercial. Oh the suspense! We come back to discover that her third fish is, in fact, acceptable and the girls have won the challenge! They scream and jump around while the guys look at their feet. As a reward Chef Ramsay is taking the girls on an actual fishing excursion, complete with lunch. The lunch part sounds good, but I wouldn’t be too excited about the fishing. Ew. The guys have to take the punishment of prepping every Dover sole in the restaurant for the next dinner service.

The girls rush off to get dressed, passing Aaron in the dorm and wishing him well. He’s still on the naughty stool. The girls then bounce through the kitchen taunting the boys about cleaning the fish while they’re off for a relaxing afternoon on the ocean. Ha! Vinnie confessionals about how disgusting all of the roe in the fish is. I agree that’s nauseating. I guess all of the fish are female… and pregnant… like Aaron. Just kidding! Out on the fishing boat the girls have to use live little fish as bait (ew again) and Chef Ramsay is the only one with any success, catching a small fish and announcing it is the same size as Eddie. Wow, he is really on one about Eddie’s size today. He thinks it’s exceedingly funny comparing him to different fish. The girls all laugh of course.

Aaron takes a "15 minute" time out.

After the guys have been preparing the fish for four hours, Aaron decides his 15 minutes are up and comes back to join them. He announces to the guys that he’s quitting. For good. Inexplicably, they try to talk him out of it. I guess they figure that for now they need all the hands they can get, even when those hands are mostly just wiping away Aaron’s tears. They convince him to stay and have a group hug. Feel the love!

Back on the boat the girls are having lunch with Chef Ramsay and he gives them a pep talk about pulling together as a team. I think he’s basking in the female attention, proudly pointing out that he’s the only one who caught a fish. They all toast each other and giggle. Later the girls all decide that it would be a great idea to wander around in their underwear for a while. I know that guys think we all secretly do this regularly, but honestly I never go around unclothed – even when I’m completely alone. But what do I know? I’m not competing in Hell’s Kitchen. Bonnie decides that not only will she sport underwear, but she will parade in front of the guys while doing it. This throws Josh for a loop because he thinks that only food is sex and now “Here comes Little Miss Bonnie wearing Little Miss Nothing,” – his words. Not one to let an opportunity pass him by, Josh asks Bonnie to help him find some potatoes, prompting her to bend over and rummage through the cupboards. Oh please. Then Eddie joins in, asking her to reach some cookies from the top shelf for him. She just happily complies, adjusting her panties and passing around the food. The other guys lounge on the furniture watching. Subtle. Thanks for helping out the female cause there Bonnie.

Bonnie advances the Women's Movement.

Aaron is throwing himself another pity party – this time complaining to Julia that everyone knows more than he does. He tells us that he doesn’t know any French terminology; he only knows how to make Chinese food. Oh dear.

Parlez-vous an egg roll?

The next morning all of the chefs line up in the kitchen to start another death round trying to serve dinner in Hell’s Kitchen. We learn that tonight’s special is (what else?) pan fried Dover sole, and as the Blue Team’s continuing punishment, one of them is to serve the sole tableside. Chef Ramsay chooses Aaron, which of course threatens to throw him into another fit of hysteria. Miraculously Aaron holds it together (for now) and the teams divide and prepare to conquer. The girls are determined to display teamwork and hopefully relinquish the title of Hell’s Bitches.

Over on the Blue Team, Rock confessionals that Josh is trying to come off as a lot more than he is. Instead of leading by example he leads by flapping his gums. Chef Ramsay takes Aaron out into the empty dining room to show him what he’ll be doing. He tells Aaron that this will be good because it’s his chance to get out of the heat of the kitchen and raise his confidence. He’s offering Aaron a lot of hand holding, which I don’t really understand. Right about now, Aaron’s eyes glaze over and he freezes up. He sinks down onto a sofa. Can he please go home? He snaps back to life, saying he just “passed out for a while.” What? This is such a bunch of crap, but Chef Ramsay continues to be Aaron’s cheerleader and calls him “Good man.” Jean Philippe is ordered to open Hell’s Kitchen. And away we go!

The Blue Team receives its first food order and Aaron begins to go around the dining room visiting each table and introducing himself. “My name’s Aaron and I’m a chef in Hell’s Kitchen. Welcome to Hell’s Kitchen.” Chef Ramsay notices this and asks Jean Philippe what is going on. He tells Jean Philippe to “get that bleeping donkey out of there!” Apparently it’s not very posh for the tableside chef to be out in the crowd hobnobbing. Meanwhile Eddie is having a hard time getting his spaghetti appetizers out to the diners. Chef Ramsay discovers a pasta boiler full of dry sticky spaghetti and almost loses his rag. Eddie says that too many people were getting in his way and he wasn’t able to produce. Chef Ramsay asks the other guys to stay away and leave Eddie alone because he is getting confused and can’t make spaghetti. 45 minutes into the dinner service the Blue Team hasn’t served anything.

Over on the Red Team Chef Ramsay asks Bonnie to make him one scallop appetizer and one spaghetti appetizer. She promptly begins to make three scallop appetizers. Chef Ramsay is disgusted and wants to know if Bonnie is a dumb blonde. He then calls her a bleeping Barbie. Ooooooh! Them’s fightin’ words! Although last night Bonnie was Underwear Barbie.

Trying to pull herself together, Bonnie repeats the phrase “I’m okay” about 26 times.

Back on the Blue Team Vinnie is attempting to pan fry the precious Dover sole. Chef Ramsay is standing a few feet away asking if the sole is burning to which Vinnie responds that it just has a little golden-brown on it. Knowing Vinnie’s sassy track record, this doesn’t look good for him. Sure enough, once Vinnie plates the sole, Chef Ramsay checks it out and calls Vinnie over to tell him how bad it is. Well, one of them is good, but the other one is awful.

Just a little golden-brown

Vinnie worries that if his team loses Chef Ramsay will want to send him back to New Jersey. Chef Ramsay says he’s never seen such illiterate cooking in his life. That’s pretty funny.

Now something highly unusual happens, which is that Chef Ramsay congratulates Jen on cooking very nice spaghetti on behalf of the Red Team. Apparently the girls are holding it together and doing a good job getting their dishes out to the diners.

Vinnie has finally managed to evenly cook enough sole to feed a table, so now Aaron gets to serve it tableside. Here is where I learn that serving sole tableside means that someone debones your fish for you right before you eat it. That seems like an awful lot of trouble that could have been handled earlier in the day – you know when all the skinning and removing of roe was taking place. Perhaps that just illustrates what an unseasoned fine diner I am, but I just don’t really get why it’s necessary. Of course Aaron has tons of trouble doing this. Not only does he drip sweat all over the place, but it takes him about 15 minutes to debone one fish and so it’s cold by the time it’s finally ready to be eaten.

Back in the kitchen, Eddie is whipping up what I have learned is the highly technical dish of “bloody risotto” and Chef Ramsay is having a fit spitting it out all over the place for being too peppery. Apparently it isn’t fit even to be served to a bleeping pig.

“Just stop! Stooooooop!”

He throws Eddie off the section. “But Chef, I’m smaller than the tuna.” Just kidding. But I wonder if that would have worked. Brad is reassigned to appetizers.

Over on the Red Team, Joanna begins berating herself because she has forgotten to cook lettuce for her dish. I can’t think of anything I’ve eaten that requires cooked lettuce. Wouldn’t that just wilt it? Search me. Anyway, Chef Ramsay finds out about the lettuce fiasco and demands to know what Joanna has been doing for the last hour. With tears streaming, Joanna tries desperately to get her act together and complete a dish.

"This flirtation plan isn't going so well..."

Bonnie comes over to rub Joanna’s back and say, “You’re okay. You’re okay.” Bonnie must have studied with some kind of genius guru to learn her affirmation phrases.

By now the Red Team has served entrées to 23 of their customers while the Blue Team has only gotten to nine. A table full of guys is waiting for their Wellington. I’ve heard of beef Wellington, but not being sure about what it is exactly, I’ve gone ahead and looked it up. It’s a fillet of beef covered with pâté de foie gras, wrapped in pastry, and baked. That sounds complicated so naturally there is trouble. This has been Josh’s sexy project and Chef Ramsay pronounces it undercooked and wants a new one. Josh whips up a new serving in three minutes, but this time it comes out with raw pastry. Chef Ramsay yells that the Blue Team is sinking like the Titanic.

Out in the dining room several diners have found bones in their deboned Dover sole. I wonder if they’ve also found sweat. Jean Philippe rats Aaron out and tells Chef Ramsay that every table has complained about bones in the fish. When confronted, Aaron says that it’s dark in the dining room and he feels rushed. Chef Ramsay scoffs, saying that darkness is irrelevant because the bone is supposed to come out as one intact skeleton. Concentrate Aaron!

Returning to the Red Team, Chef Ramsay discovers that Melissa is doing double duty, making both spaghetti and a garnish. This isn’t right because Melissa is too beautiful to have her attention divided. She tries to explain that she is doing it to help Joanna, who had a little breakdown a few minutes ago. Privately she tells us that this is just how she works. If she sees that someone is in trouble, she tries to multitask and save the day.

The Painfully Beautiful Martyr

Chef Ramsay’s head clears from the daze of Melissa’s beauty and he yells to her, “Melissa! Will you let. Her. Do. The. Garnish!!” Snap! He continues to yell, saying that the atmosphere in the red kitchen stinks and can they please finish their last three tables and get the bleeping main courses out? “Yes Chef!” The girls make a valiant effort and successfully finish the main courses. They congratulate each other and Chef Ramsay is proud of them for sounding like a team.

The narrator chimes in to tell us that three hours into the dinner service the girls have rallied and served nearly all of their customers, but the guys are having severe difficulties. It’s the bloody risotto again and this time Brad is the culprit, overcooking and over-peppering. He rushes around trying to redeem himself while Chef Ramsay grows ever more agitated. Next he spots Josh getting ready to plate some chicken and calls over to him, saying it looks dry. Josh assures him that it isn’t, but Chef Ramsay is all wound up and very suspicious. He touches the chicken and is horrified to discover that the skin is dry, and the skin is the moistest part of all. He completely loses it and gives the dry chicken a mighty wallop with his open palm. It flies around the kitchen in tiny pathetic dry bits.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is called losing your rag.

Chef Ramsay has reached the end of his rope. “You, you, you, you, come here! Where’s that bleeping cowboy? Aaron!” He individually berates them on their respective failures and then throws them all out of the kitchen, saying the bleeping girls will finish the meal service.

"Get out!"

The boys gather in the dorm and comfort themselves by saying that they are all chefs while the girls aren’t even cooks. I’m not exactly sure what that means but it sounds like another hierarchy issue, which is very ironic considering what just happened.

Downstairs the girls continue salvaging the situation and move onto dessert. So it looks like tonight Hell’s Kitchen’s diners will actually make it through an entire meal! Melissa gets props for cooking a monk fish that is almost as beautiful as she is. Chef Ramsay finally calls out the last order and tells the girls they’ve done a good job taking over for the Blue Team. Relief!

Now it’s time for the post dinner service line-up and the guys are ready to take it right up the wazoo. Aaron is in trouble for wandering around the dining room like the President of the United States introducing himself to people. Vinnie is labeled as untrustworthy because he tries to cover up his mistakes. Remember the “golden-brown” sole? This time Vinnie wisely keeps his mouth shut. Eddie was just terrible. The least bad is Rock, so he gets to nominate two people to go home. Out of my sight!

Upstairs Rock worries that he wants to make a smart objective decision. It’s time for the guys to plead their cases. Eddie admits he messed up, but points out that he’s a strong prep person and he wants to stay. Aaron comes in smoking (I’m shocked at how all of these food specialists are puffing away on their breaks – gross) and blubbers about wanting to stay, but he understands if Rock wants to send him home. This from the man who tried to completely quit earlier. All Josh says is that he doesn’t want to go home and he doesn’t think he deserves to.

Back in the kitchen Chef Ramsay asks Rock for his nominees. First is Eddie because he is small and Rock doesn’t think he’s come out of his shell. Small? He cooked circles around Aaron, the largest guy of the bunch! His second nominee is Josh for thinking food is sex. Just kidding, it’s because Josh rubbed Rock the wrong way earlier and Rock thinks he’s all over the place. Of course the obvious question here is why isn’t Aaron nominated? We’ll get to that outrage in a minute. Eddie and Josh step forward. Eddie says that he learned an important lesson – that he needs to speak up. Chef Ramsay tells Josh he’s just a big fake full of piss and wind. Not one of his main courses made it out into the dining room. Josh says that today was the most embarrassing day of his professional career and he would really like a chance to redeem himself.

Boyz on the chopping block

Chef Ramsay does his black-and-white reflection on the evening and then chooses… Eddie. Take your jacket off and get out of Hell’s Kitchen. The guys leave in shame and the girls leave all proud of themselves for showing up the guys. Eddie’s picture bursts into flame. He burned in Hell’s Kitchen.

Okay, how on earth did Aaron escape elimination? He tried to quit earlier in the episode! It makes absolutely no sense and I’m beginning to wonder if he is a plant. It’s either that or the producers instructed Rock not to nominate him because he is good dramatic content. He is nothing but dead weight and tonight he wasn’t even allowed in the kitchen! Something fishy is going on and I don’t just mean the Dover sole – which by the way, he couldn’t handle either.

Next week the chefs cook breakfast for some military personnel, and an ambulance shows up at the dinner service. This should be good.

Okay guys, what do you think? Is Aaron really a Fox employee? Will the “chefs” be able to recover from this humiliating loss to the “cooks?”

Shout out to Kreleia for helping me sort out my screencaps – I’m all on track now.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta