All the Rage in Hell's Kitchen

"Doughnuts OUT!"

Wow – this week on Hell’s Kitchen we learn about trendsetters. Chef RamJam introduces us to some Los Angeles trendsetters and then we spend some time with our very own setters of trend. First there is Bonnie, who leads us in the fad of making dumb mistakes and crying. Next is Josh, who shows us that having a functioning brain is highly overrated and it’s hip to be stupid. Jen illustrates that it is very helpful and productive to antagonize and argue with bullies, and Rock demonstrates just how popular it is to be mean, insulting, and self-righteous. Julia continues setting the trend of hanging in there and always acting dignified – imagine that. Finally, Chef Ramsay begins a new rage by calling someone a doughnut. Here we go, so get ready to get cool!

This evening as the chefs shuffle off to their dorms to ponder over Brad’s elimination, Bonnie wonders, along with the rest of us, why she’s still here. “Does he think I’m entertaining? Is that why I’m still here?” Um, I don’t think so Bonnie. Unless Chef Ramsay is entertained by watching somebody cry about everything. Julia is also surprised that Bonnie is still around and Rock is glad that Brad went home because Brad was his biggest competition. There is really no telling why Bonnie is still hanging around, but after what I’ve read about last season, I’m wondering if it’s “Virginia Syndrome.” Apparently Virginia’s large chest carried her through to the finals, and although Bonnie doesn’t necessarily have a large chest, she has paraded in her underwear, flirted with Chef Ramsay, and gotten all dolled up for a photo shoot. Other than that all she does is give dumb suggestions and bawl.

The next morning Chef Ramsay lines the chefs up to announce that there will no longer be a Red Team and a Blue Team. From now on, they are one united Black Team! I was hoping for purple, since red and blue make purple, but Chef Ramsay wasn’t having it, so black it is. Sous Chef Scott comes out to serve everyone champagne and Chef Ramsay congratulates them all on making it this far – a job well done! Then things get really zany when Chef Ramsay shakes up the champagne bottle and sprays everyone down with it. He tells Josh to “open wide” and then zings him again, saying he’s found a new talent – catching champagne spray in his mouth. Call me crazy, but I don’t think RamJam thinks too much of Josh.

Spray the donkey!

The chefs run upstairs to change into their new black and white jackets and they are each in awe with the color change. They are all proud of themselves and each other. Feel the love because it won’t last long.

And now it’s time for the first ever individual challenge! Chef Ramsay tells the chefs that they will each be preparing a dish “for a very special group of trendsetters – clients with their fingers on the pulse in terms of culture, fashion, music…” Oh, this does sound exciting. Who could these trendsetters be? Vogue editors? Rock stars? The guys from “Queer Eye?” Jen guesses either Mariah or The Rock – neither of whom I would have singled out as trendsetters (at least anymore), but okay. Julia guesses doctors and nurses due to Chef Ramsay’s use of the word “pulse.” Josh is sure they are on their way to Hollywood to cook for some celebrities. Either way this is looking like a great chance for them to showcase their talent for some influential people. Also, these special guests will not be coming to Hell’s Kitchen, but instead the taste-off blindfolds come back out and each chef gets to wear one as they are whisked away to the mystery location where glamorous people await.

Then Herr Narrator bursts the bubble.

Where it all happens.

These amazing, brilliant, prominent eaters are 100 Alhambra High School students. Oh, I get it. Because high school kids are into music and fashion, plus they’re huge consumers so they have an influence in the marketplace – good one. The chefs take off their blindfolds and look around a little deflated. Chef Ramsay says this is a great place to learn about trends – especially if you are into iPods and video games – so their challenge is to win over the high school students with their food. They have one hour, the students will vote, and the winner will be coming with Chef Ramsay to Las Vegas.

Everyone starts bustling around to come up with their 100 portions of something to tempt high school kids. Rock makes kobe beef meatloaf to be served on a ciabatta roll. Do kids voluntarily eat meat loaf? Josh is making baked salmon with pineapple salsa – probably not the first thing I would have run for in high school. Julia does a grilled chicken and cheese sandwich with onion rings, Bonnie makes breaded and fried goat cheese served over greens, and Jen does baked chicken fettuccine, still hoping Mariah will pop around a corner babbling something crazy. The kids pour in to receive sample portions of each dish served on different colored plates to help them with their voting. Each chef tries to campaign for his or her own dish while handing them out. Bonnie is pink (of course she is) and she tells the kids that pink is nice. Then Rock chimes in saying, “Don’t vote for her. She’s not that nice.” Um, Rock? Why don’t you shut it and let your meatloaf speak for itself? You are getting on my last nerve – and making me come to Bonnie’s defense. No good. Jen tries telling a kid that she loves his sweater. Will that make him vote for fettuccine with no garlic bread?

"Yeah, I started a trend with this sweater."

After the kids have pondered over their samples and their color charts, Chef Ramsay lines up the chefs in front of the kids to announce the winner. He tells them that the winner is a hero with over 51% of the votes. Wow, that means the other 49% got divided four ways – in other words, this was a landslide. Will we find out before commercial? No. But luckily I don’t recap commercials, so the winner is…

Blasted teenagers and their graffiti marketing...

JULIA! With her grilled chicken and cheese with onion rings! The students all cheer while Julia jumps into Chef Ramsay’s arms. She confessionals that she is happy because this shows that not only can she cook, but she can also make her food taste good. And I’d like to add that she knows her audience. She chose something kids would like and identify with. I mean salmon with pineapple salsa? Not so much, Josh. Julia gets to choose one person to come with her to Vegas, just like on America’s Next Top Model, and she chooses Jen. Rock, Josh and Bonnie have to go back to Hell’s Kitchen to do something dull. Both Julia and Jen have speculated over what they will do in Vegas and I have to wonder if they have cooked away too many brain cells. Um – see the restaurant you are competing to win perhaps? Think, ladies. This isn’t a grand mystery. The next surprise is that they get to go to Vegas on a private jet – très chic.

Nothing but fancy.

Herr Narrator tells us that as the winners get a taste of the “high life,” the losers are “grounded” in Hell’s Kitchen. Oh Herr Narrator. You and your puns – they delight me every time. Jean Philippe tells the losers that they will be doing some deep cleaning of the restaurant. They will vacuum, steam clean, and iron. Right away the steam cleaner gets the best of Josh, as he can’t figure out that the cord needs to be plugged into an outlet in order for the device to have power. Jean Philippe can hardly believe it, saying, “Do you know what, Josh? This is not rocket science. It doesn’t work with solar energy, it works with electricity. Just turn it on.” You tell him, Jean Philippe! It’s not even like the cord is inconspicuous – it’s this huge fat gray thing wrapped around the machine a million times. Josh basically says he’s a chef, not a janitor, but the truth is, he’s just an idiot. He then proceeds to try to vacuum up a chicken bone.

I’ll give you one guess as to where the girls are headed in Vegas. That’s right, the Green Valley Ranch! Who would have thought? This is such a surprise! They are led to a fat suite where they are mesmerized by the bidet – never mind the pool table and the champagne, there’s a booty cleanser! Then they are treated to full body massages at the spa, which makes me want to take a nap.

Meanwhile Bonnie and Rock are bickering over the best way to iron the round table cloths. Should they use the ironing board or just iron the cloths right on the table? Rock tells Bonnie that she should know how to do these sorts of things, as she is a nanny, but Bonnie gets all huffy, saying, “I don’t do laundry!” in the snobbiest voice possible. Calm down, Mary Poppins, what do you do? “I cook for the most part. I’m a chef; I cook dinner for them every night, dumbass.” Well! I hate to split hairs, but someone who is employed by a family to do nothing but cook dinner is not a nanny. That’s a personal chef. Has Bonnie been fibbing about her resume like Jen? Will we find out next that the family she works for doesn’t even have children? (And pets don’t count.) Nanny indeed!

Bonnie and Rock are so above this task.

The next morning in Las Vegas Jen and Julia head over to the Green Valley Ranch’s sister resort, Red Rock, to meet someone special.

“Goody gumdrops! Meet my protégé.”

It’s Heather, last season’s Hell’s Kitchen winner! She beat Virginia’s boobs to be awarded this glorious restaurant to run. We even get a quick black and white flashback of Heather being announced last season’s winner before proceeding to a tour of Terra Rossa, the restaurant that was her grand prize. Heather even has some dishes for Jen and Julia to sample. Jen wants to know what “edge” Heather had over Virginia’s boobs and Heather said that although Virginia was a strong competitor, she (Heather) wanted it so badly. It’s just a wild guess, but I bet Virginia wanted it pretty badly too. She made it all the way to the end, after all, I doubt she was just there to pass the time. Heather also tells the girls to keep their friends close and their enemies closer, to which Jen does this:

"Mm hm. I don't know what that means."

Back at Hell’s Kitchen our trio of losers preps for tonight’s dinner service on their own. Bonnie pulls out a tray of monk fish and decides it smells bad so she throws it away. Just then who should come looking for monk fish but Sous Chef Mary Ann? It turns out that Bonnie has disposed of perfectly good monk fish and unless Mary Ann is prepared to enter Jen’s Culinary School of Dumpster Diving, there will be no monk fish on tonight’s menu. Luckily Bonnie handles this with grace and maturity, holding it together for the sake of the team. Oops, I mean the opposite of that. She loses it and starts bawling. She frets that it may be her time to go home – again.

When prep is finished the losers go upstairs to complain about Julia’s win. Bonnie points out that if Julia had done her grilled chicken and cheese for Hell’s Kitchen it would have been lame. This is where my previous point about Julia knowing her audience comes in. The challenge was specifically to cook for teenagers, and teenagers like much different food than fine dining adults. The challenge wasn’t even to make a gourmet version of a school lunch, which may have ended differently, but just to win over the kids. And Julia did it! I don’t make the rules, I just watch the show. Bonnie, Rock – zip it. I’m tired of both of your attitudes and tantrums.

Just then Jen and Julia return from their trip to regale their fellow chefs with tales of… what else? The bidet. Julia gives a riveting account of her first bidet experience and Rock and Bonnie pretend to care.

We enter into tonight’s dinner service with Herr Narrator reminding us that for the first time the chefs will be working as one team. Yes, yes, the black and white uniforms. Josh is on appetizers and right away he messes up by having several pans of risotto on burners that don’t need to be there. Chef Ramsay starts freaking out because a bunch of this risotto will have to be tossed and this means that they are losing money before even serving any food. He calls Josh a doughnut, which is a new one that I quite like.

"Doughnut!? I'm at least a nice scone."

Apparently Josh thinks he is working at McDonald’s and can just make tons of everything so it will be ready when someone orders it. But that’s not the way Chef Ramsay does things. It’s always fresh in Hell’s Kitchen. Next Chef Ramsay notices Josh overcooking some spaghetti – again before it’s been ordered. I think this time he’s a jelly doughnut. He may even be on his way to becoming a fritter if this keeps up. Chef Ramsay tells Josh that even his mother cooks spaghetti only seven minutes before she eats it. I bet his mother also plugs in the vacuum cleaner before wondering why it won’t work – but that’s just a shot in the dark.

Bonnie is on meat and seems to be getting her Wellingtons together properly, but Julia is lagging a little on the garnishes. Chef Ramsay pleads with her to wake up and wonders if she’s taking the piss out of everyone, but Julia insists that she’s trying. Maybe she’s still marveling over the wonders of the bidet. Back to the kitchen, Julia! Don’t let us down now!

Chef Ramsay wanders back over to the appetizer station and what do you think Josh has gone and done? That’s right, he’s cooked up some more unordered spaghetti. Mind you, this is like 30 seconds after being scolded for making spaghetti before it’s been ordered. Chef Ramsay can’t believe his eyes because according to him “even the f-ing dirtiest scummiest Italian restaurant in Venice Beach cooks spaghetti to order, you donkey!” Mm, I know that place – they make great spaghetti… so fresh. Josh immediately loads up another pasta boiler with spaghetti and drops it into the water. Just kidding, but I wouldn’t have been surprised. Now a diner sends back some risotto for being undercooked. Uh oh, Josh is going to take this one right up the wazoo. Sure enough, Chef Ramsay gets right in his face and demands to know what he’s doing.

"I'm downgrading you to doughnut hole."

Then he loses his rag completely and just rips Josh’s jacket open and yells, “Get the f*@& out of here! Get out! GET OUT!” As Josh makes a hasty exit Chef Ramsey even throws some sort of utensil at him that clangs against the wall dramatically as we head out to commercial. At this point I’m wondering if Josh is out for good or if he is just out for tonight’s dinner service – which would probably mean he’d get eliminated anyway, but it’s still unclear.

Ooohh, back from commercial we see that Chef Ramsay actually follows Josh out into the hall screaming, “Give me the jacket! Useless sack of sh**!” Then he follows Josh down the hall yelling, “Get out! Get out!” and I start wondering if he’s going to have a stroke, but then we cut away to Josh in the confessional.

A battered Josh flees the scene with RamJam at his heels.

So this is how Josh goes down. Not in the sad but dignified elimination ceremony and not even in a hospital bed like Aaron. Oh no, Mr. Food-Is-Sex is chased right out of the kitchen during the middle of dinner service. I can’t say he doesn’t deserve it. In fact I think Josh wore out his welcome a while back, but still – the shame of it all. Leaving out the back door with his duffle back into the darkness all alone. Happy trails, Josh. Remember – there are no sous chefs at McDonald’s. People come to fancy restaurants for freshly cooked food. Oh also, electric appliances need electricity to run. Good luck to you.

Chef Ramsay puts Jen on appetizers and tells her that Josh is gone now and he’s out on Sunset Boulevard looking for a bus. That’s probably because his car wouldn’t start since he forgot that it needs gasoline to run and thinks it is done for. Jen manages some perfect bloody risotto and it looks like everything is running well until… Julia can’t find her garnish. This is odd. It’s not keys or sunglasses or a credit card, it’s an entire pan of food that she just cooked. Well it’s lost and Julia has no choice but to start all over making new garnish and she’s so flustered that Chef Ramsay accuses her of giving up. Poor Julia starts to cry but hangs in there and keeps cooking.

Now Rock can’t find the turbot he’s been working on and I’m beginning to wonder if Sous Chefs Scott and Mary Ann are stealing things and hiding them because it doesn’t make sense to lose entire servings of food when you are standing next to a stove. When Chef Ramsay wants a status report Bonnie says she’s waiting on the turbot and Rock decides that Bonnie is stabbing him in the back. He confessionals, “Bonnie, are we on the same team here, or are you trying to single yourself out? What’s really going on?” Oh dear Rock. You must have misread all the waivers that Fox had you sign when you came onto the show. You see, this is a cooking competition and all of the chefs are here because they would like to win the grand prize in the end. Singling yourself out is exactly what you should be doing. Especially now that the teams have been done away with! Don’t get mad at Bonnie because you screwed up and she didn’t. Chef Ramsay says, "Rock's hit rock bottom." That's one you know he's been waiting to say - and I've been waiting to hear.

"You talking to Rock?"

The next situation is irony incarnate. Jen and Rock are supposed to bring appetizers up to Chef Ramsay at the same time and Jen asks Rock to wait with his scallops until her spaghetti is ready so that they can go up together. So Rock trots right up to the counter without her. I would totally let this go if Rock hadn’t just had a diva fit about Bonnie doing that exact same thing to him. Uh huh, now we see how it is. It’s all fair game as long as you’re the perpetrator, right Rock? Back in his confessional Rock acts completely bewildered and innocent over the Jen situation saying, “My chef told me to come up there.” Oh you mean like Bonnie’s chef told her to do five seconds earlier? Interesting. My dislike for Rock is intensifying by the moment. Jen calls Rock on this (just like he called Bonnie on it) and he tells her not to talk to him anymore. Now the attitudes start flying. Rock completely stops communicating with the girls except to call them names and slam things around. At one point he even says to Jen, “I don’t jump when you say jump, princess. Who do you think you’re talking to?” Ew, he’s a creep. Jen says some bleeped out stuff back and Bonnie just begs them to stop. Chef Ramsay has had it. He can’t run his kitchen like this and starts banging on the aluminum overhang to get them to shut the f up. Rock ridiculously confessionals that he doesn’t need to put anybody down to bring himself up. Can we all please just scroll back up to the part at the high school where Rock told the kids not to vote for Bonnie because she isn’t nice? Yeah, that’s what I thought, Mr. Holier Than Thou. You are mean and nasty. And you fight dirty and throw tantrums, and then act like you are so above all this. No restaurant for you!

Back from commercial I’m surprised to find that Chef Ramsay hasn’t thrown everyone out onto Sunset Boulevard – well at least Jen and Rock. They fight each other to the bitter end but somehow manage to get dessert out, which I guess is a sweet end. Ha ha, okay that was dumb. At the lineup Chef Ramsay deems that Bonnie was the best tonight – in fact this was her best service yet, so she gets to nominate two people to go home. I guess miracles do happen if Bonnie was the best chef tonight. If only Julia hadn’t misplaced her garnishes. Great, now the final three are in the hands of an idiot nanny personal chef. Bonnie confessionals that she never thought she’d get this far. None of us did, Bonnie. In fact, I’m still quite bewildered.

Bonnie tries to spell her name.

Rock is quite the gentleman on the way upstairs, telling Jen to f – off and not say sh** to him. How can you not love this cuddly guy? The girls sit around to discuss what went down and Bonnie says, “He has a mean temper, dude.” Well observed, Bonnie. That’s actually the understatement of the year if you think back about what also happened when Rock lost the photo shoot challenge a couple of episodes back. Jen starts to cry saying, “People just hate me. I just want to go home.” Oh, don’t you start Jen. Bonnie has that market cornered and we don’t need another self-pitying bawler.

Speaking of self-pitying bawlers, Rock sits in his confessional with tears streaming down his face saying that he should have waited until after dinner service to address his issues with Jen. He’s disappointed himself and his family and this isn’t the way he’s supposed to go out. He’s better than this. Oh please, Rock. I would believe that you are better than this if you hadn’t already demonstrated repeatedly that you’re not.

Oh, poor Rock. Negative.

Downstairs Bonnie nominates Rock for losing communication and letting his temper flare. Another grand understatement. Then she nominates Jen. Psyche. That would have been great and may have actually gotten rid of Rock, but Bonnie actually nominates Julia for having trouble with the garnishes and struggling with product knowledge. Rock makes his case that he is God’s gift to the kitchen and this restaurant, this show, and the world in general – and we are lucky to have him. Julia says she’s not ready to go home and she’s not giving up. So who goes? The insanely driven a-hole or the talented cook who has made amazing strides? Chef Ramsay confesses that this is a very difficult decision for him personally and I wonder if he’s going to just keep both of them since he already tossed Josh out on his butt. But alas, he regretfully announces that Julia is leaving. Noooooo! Unacceptable! RamJam brings her up and does something completely surprising, which is the following speech: “Listen. You have done phenomenally well and I am going to do something now that I’ve never done before. I am personally going to send you to culinary school because you have an exceptional amount of talent. And when you’ve done that I want you to come back here and win it hands down. Because there’s something quite amazing about you. I am very proud of you.”

The moment we've dreaded...

Aw, RamJam, you are bringing tears to my eyes. That is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen on this show. Chef Ramsay has a heart! And he’s putting it to good use! We’re with you, Julia! We’ll be waiting for you to come back and blow us all away. You go, girl! Now there is a montage of all of Julia’s accomplishments this season and she is always so sweet and positive, even when things are tough. It’s such a shame that she has to go – especially when you compare her behavior to Rock’s which is just gross and embarrassing. I hope she does come back because she has really earned a place as a top chef. I know I’m being sentimental, but I really like Jules and I really hate Rock.

Chef Ramsay congratulates the final three and sends them off to bed. Bonnie reiterates all of our thoughts by once again saying she never thought she’d get this far. Jen says that she has what it takes and now she needs to mold herself into a leader. Rock talks in third person, telling us yet again how perfect, wonderful, and deserving Rock is. Did Honey Gangsta mention that she really dislikes Rock?

These are the options?

So how is Rock going to tick me off next week? Let’s see, it looks like the chefs’ families make an appearance and then they each get to take a turn running the kitchen à la Chef Ramsay. I’m sure that part will bring my loathing for Rock to the surface if nothing else has by then. Herr Narrator promises that it will be an emotional Hell’s Kitchen.

So what do you think? Does Julia have greatness in store? Does Rock have more than just delusions of greatness in store? Who will be the final two???

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Separating Chefs from DONKEYS!

"DONKEY!"

Greetings, beloved audience! Thanks guys, for keeping me informed and giggling with your comments. Last week MODULUS cleared up the Le Bec-Fin question and let us know that Jen’s having worked there is actually an omission of epic proportions. ChicagoGal helped me out with what pancetta actually is, and Donna Martin Graduates gave Chef Ramsay my favorite nickname yet – Chef RamJam. I wanted to steal that, but not without giving proper credit where it’s due. I’m having a ball with Hell’s Kitchen, and couldn’t do it without you guys. Keep the laughs coming!

We start this week by listening to both teams reflecting on the grand banishment of Melissa. Bonnie thinks it’s like watching a main character die in the first five minutes of a movie. Yeah, except that it’s Week 7, not Minute 5, so not really. Rock doesn’t care because he’s just one elimination closer to winning. Or one tantrum closer, whichever you prefer. The girls elate over continually beating the boys who are supposedly oh-so-advanced professionally. It’s called hubris, and it is the Blue Team’s downfall.

Continuing with what is now our very familiar routine, the next morning we meet up with Chef Ramsay downstairs to find out about today’s quick challenge. We learn that today the chefs will be working with leftovers – a word that has never been a friend of mine. Chef Ramsay says that this is a test he gives to each one of his chefs. He wants to see them make something “stunning” from leftovers. Hmm, maybe I can learn something here. Each team has to prepare one appetizer and two entrées from a bunch of leftover stuff – all in 30 minutes. Let’s go! I soon discover the difference between Chef Ramsay’s idea of leftovers and mine. What he has is a bunch of ingredients that can be combined in any way, like uncooked spaghetti, chicken stock, raw beef, raw chicken, and eggs – basically not really leftovers, just a random combination of uncooked food. My leftovers are always something I already made and am tired of, like lentil soup or some kind of casserole. Can’t the chefs show us how to make chicken cordon bleu using nothing but day-old pizza? That I would like to learn.

Fresh leftovers, not like mine.

The Blue Team gets right down to business, but the Red Team can’t seem to decide on anything to make; they just keep throwing out ideas. Let’s see what everyone comes up with, shall we? Herr Narrator has some orientation for us before judging begins. “At this point in the competition, Chef Ramsay is looking for chefs who stand out with their resourcefulness and creativity.” At this point? So up to now he was looking for what, best hairdo? Anyway, Bonnie and Brad step forward to present their “leftover” appetizers. Brad has made curried bass with crustacean tomato pasta. Bonnie immediately rolls her eyes and confessionals that she is dead meat. She then reveals her rustic chicken stew, which Chef Ramsay finds rustic indeed, and also quite fresh. He can’t pick a winner, so both teams get a point. Boo! Next up are Jen and Josh. Jen presents steak and eggs, and Chef Ramsay says that sounds more like something that would come from Julia. He expects more from Jen in a half hour. Jen whines to the camera that the steak and eggs were Bonnie’s idea and she should have done something else. Yes Jen, but you didn’t. Josh presents chicken legs stuffed with something I can’t understand. Chef Ramsay tastes it, makes a huge face, and makes Josh taste it as well.

"Blimey! You've got to be winding me up!"

Josh admits that it is “highly acidic.” Chef Ramsay adds that the chicken is undercooked and it’s just crap. He’s disappointed in both Jen and Josh and neither gets a point. What do you know, it’s neck and neck. Last up are Julia and Rock, or as Herr Narrator says, “The Waffle House cook versus the Executive Chef.” Rock has whipped up a petite rib eye and pan seared bass. (Leftovers indeed.) Julia presents fish and chips, which isn’t the smartest decision, considering that Chef Ramsay hails from Jolly Old England where fish and chips are a matter of national pride. Surprisingly he finds it nice, but not nearly as impressive as Rock’s surf and turf, which was done with finesse. The Blue Team wins the challenge – only their second ever, but they are understandably overjoyed, especially after last week’s garbage punishment. The girls, since they presented dull dishes, get a dull punishment. They have to thoroughly clean Hell’s Kitchen in its entirety and unload the morning’s coming delivery. Chef Ramsay tells the guys that for their reward they get a chance to get back at him. Rock confessionals that he hopes Chef Ramsay is speaking figuratively because Rock could definitely kick his arse. Oh calm down, Rock.

The girls get to cleaning while the guys are whisked away for their grand opportunity of… paintballing! Yes, it’s three against one as the Blue Team takes on Gordon Ramsay in a rousing match of paintball. The way it works is that the guys can each hit Chef Ramsay as many times as they want, but as soon as one of them is hit, they are out. Chef Ramsay quips that maybe he’s found something Josh is good at. Oooooooh snap! Josh just giggles. Apparently he’s not good at sarcasm either. The guys start out with target practice, aiming at targets that have been fitted out with pictures of Chef Ramsay, Julia, Jen and Bonnie. Way to encourage sportsmanship, Fox production assistants!

Dream on, guys.

Meanwhile the girls are unloading a delivery truck and checking things off on a list as the boxes come down. Once inside, however, they realize that they should have opened up, counted and sifted through each and every one of the boxes because a whole lot of stuff is missing. Bonnie starts crying because she was the one who was supposed to be checking the boxes. She really does cry an awful lot over everything. Jen tells her to stop the drama. Sous Chef Mary Ann eventually steps in and organizes a checking system so that we can all get on with the day. As this little incident continues, there are so many mistakes in the delivery that I’m wondering why the delivery service isn’t under scrutiny. Perhaps it was a deliberate set up to make sure the girls were paying attention – which they weren’t, of course.

Over at Paintball Central, the guys are getting ready to play in a setup that looks like a bombed out town. Chef Ramsay is huddling behind a messed up car and the guys are all as giddy as little girls as they prepare to take shots at their mentor. I think we can all guess how this will come out. Do you honestly think that Josh or Brad would stand a chance against Chef Ramsay in a shoot out? Uh, no. Sure enough it isn’t long before it’s down to Rock and Chef Ramsay. Chef Ramsay plows him down and the guys all gather to high five each other. They all seem exuberant. It’s amazing how combat lifts the male spirit.

"Nothing like a good kill in the morning!"

Upon returning to Hell’s Kitchen, the guys find the girls again carrying tons of boxes inside from a truck. Julia tells the guys to grab a box, but they stroll past like they didn’t hear her. Next Jean Philippe tells the guys it would be nice if they would help the girls. The guys say “yes it would,” and proceed upstairs without helping at all.

"What's that you say?"

Jean Philippe says it’s disgusting, but the girls aren’t surprised at all. I don’t know. I get that the guys won and that hardly ever happens, but it wouldn’t have killed them to pick up one box while they were walking in anyway. Not cool.

“It’s a new day in Hell’s Kitchen…” again and Chef Ramsay has yet another surprise for his wannabes. Each team will be coming up with its own menu to present to tonight’s diners. There will be three appetizers, three entrées, and three desserts from each team and the guests will choose what they would like to eat. Chef Ramsay wants to see creativity and teamwork. The teams scamper upstairs to design their menus. The girls are astounded and appalled to discover that Julia doesn’t know what Ahi tuna is. Over on the guys’ side, Brad is suggesting pan seared scallops with horseradish spaetzle, and Rock is irritated that Brad is talking so much. Rock wants to make macaroni and cheese, which Brad says is fine as long as they call it a cassoulet. (I looked that up. It’s French for casserole.) Rock would rather call it macaroni and cheese and then let the diners be impressed when it’s elegant. Brad is stuck on fancy names and I’m not sold either way. Julia suggests a New York steak for the girls’ menu, but Bonnie says that’s a cop out and she wants to do rabbit (yuck). Jen is really annoyed because Bonnie doesn’t know how to cook rabbit.

"That's not how we do it at Le Bec-Fin."

Tension thickens as the teams head back downstairs to present their menus. Here is an extremely mature exchange between Bonnie and Jen:

Bonnie: Why are you shaking your head?
Jen: Because I can.
Bonnie: Ah Jen, don’t turn into a bitch now please. Come on.
Jen: Don’t call me a bitch.
Bonnie: Don’t act like one.

I’m ready for hair pulling, but Chef Ramsay is ready to see the menus, so the catfight will have to wait. He looks at the Red Menu and asks Julia which of the dishes is her influence. She answers honestly, saying none of them are and she wanted to do steak and shrimp. Chef Ramsay tells the Red Team to swap something out for steak and shrimp. Ha! Next he looks at the Blue Menu and tells the guys that their menu is ambitious and he wonders if they can pull it off. The guys are confident that they can. Everyone starts their prep work.

Bonnie is having trouble with her bacon so she asks her team for suggestions and is met with dead silence. Sous Chef Mary Ann reminds the girls that this is still a team effort, which causes Jen to snap, “Chef! It’s fine! If I make a friend that’s great, and if not that’s fine too. Like I’m just here to compete.” Sheesh! Jen, your team still has to win for you to be totally safe, my gosh. Bonnie complains that she can’t work with Jen like this, but there’s no more time for their nonsense because Chef Ramsay orders Jean Philippe to OPEN HELL’S KITCHEN!

At last we get to find out what is on each team’s menus – well at least the main courses. The Red Menu features New York strip steak from Julia, seared Ahi tuna from Jen, and a bacon wrapped leg of rabbit from Bonnie. The Blue Menu features turbot and mushroom consommé from Brad, lamb chop and herbed gnocchi from Brad, and sautéed chicken breast with truffle cassoulet... from Brad. What, no macaroni and cheese? Herr Narrator describes the Red Menu as “classic” and the Blue Menu as “sophisticated.” Let’s see what the diners prefer to eat.

Eeny, meeny, miney, mo...

The orders start coming in and they are all for the Red Kitchen. The guys stand there with their arms folded looking around. Right away there is trouble cooking Bonnie’s rabbit dish. Chef Ramsay wants to know whose idea it was and Bonnie just says it was a collaboration. Liar, liar. No one wanted rabbit. Jen confessionals that she is really upset with Bonnie for not knowing how to make the bleeping rabbit and thinking she could treat it like a chicken drumstick. In the kitchen Jen is getting nearer and nearer to flying off the handle. Chef Ramsay is throwing out suggestions, telling them he can’t do it for them and they need to pull it together.

After a half hour the Blue Kitchen finally starts getting some orders. Brad has more or less taken charge, but as soon as he sends food out it starts coming back in. “Stone cold ravioli” is the problem and Brad gets a sound tongue lashing from Chef Ramsay. The Red Team is getting their appetizers out – namely Julia with the rabbit leg (which I thought was an entrée). One diner says the rabbit leg is the best thing he’s ever tasted in his entire life. I wonder if Bonnie had some friends come to Hell’s Kitchen tonight because that is a bit surprising. Well guess which entrée seems to be extremely popular this fine evening. It’s the New York strip steak. You know, the one that very nearly didn’t even make it onto the menu? The one that wasn’t impressive and would have been a cop out? Everyone wants to eat it. And not only that, Julia is doing a stellar job cooking the steak and getting it out. Chef Ramsay is congratulating and encouraging her.

The Blue Team finally gets an order for their lamb dish and Rock is worried while he watches Josh trying to cook it. Josh’s pan isn’t hot enough, but he insists that he knows what he’s doing. When he brings the lamb to Chef Ramsay it’s all wrong. One of them is good, but most of them aren’t. Chef Ramsay bursts out with the line of the evening: “This is where it separates the bleeping chef… from a DONKEY!” He then pulls Josh over and screams in his ear, “You can’t cook!”

Chef RamJam and the Donkey
share an intimate moment.

Josh scurries back to his station to try and salvage something from the lamb and he says, “We’re coming, Rock.” Chef Ramsay says, “Yeah you’re coming. So is your bleeping elimination!”

It turns out that the menus did comparably well, despite Herr Narrator’s earlier misdirection. There are 52 orders from the Red Menu and 48 orders from the Blue Menu. The guys are still struggling because of Josh’s snafu with the lamb and they start muddling orders together, much to Rock’s dismay. Chef Ramsay is good and ticked off, telling Josh he wouldn’t trust him with a hot dog stand. Out in the dining room things are awkward because people at the same tables have ordered off of different menus and are receiving food at different intervals. So at a table where the lady ordered from the guys and the guy ordered from the girls, the guy is almost done with his food while the lady is still waiting for hers to arrive. This reflects poorly on Chef Ramsay’s restaurant, which means more screaming at Josh to make with the lamb. Josh brings over his second batch of lamb and Chef Ramsay almost loses it because this time it’s rare. He begs Brad and Rock to step in and help pull Josh out of the hole he has dug for himself. Brad and Rock both say, “Yes Chef!” and then just continue on with what they were doing. Josh gets no help and has to struggle on by himself with the lamb.

Chef Ramsay heads into the Red Kitchen to discover that Jen has left the service area to begin her clear down. He yells at her to get back on service and then he does an imitation of Jen walking around with limp wrists cleaning instead of cooking.

"This is you, Jen."

Jen complains in a confessional that she does not walk around that way, and in that exact moment the editors show us footage of Jen walking around with limp wrists. Hilarious! While Jen stands there extremely offended Chef Ramsay tells her to quit looking like a sad puppy and get a grip.

"It is not!"

Josh has finally managed to properly cook some lamb and Chef Ramsay is relieved to have the Blue Team back on track. They manage to catch up on their entrée service. Now it’s time for Chef Ramsay to tell the Red Team that the guys have overtaken them and they’ve lost their edge. Then he catches Bonnie working a pan over a burner that hasn’t even been turned on. She gets a shocked look on her face and Chef Ramsay starts imitating her cluelessness, saying if they go at her pace no one will ever get fed. Bonnie lapses into helpless mode.

"Oooh, it has to be on to be hot?
I'm not cut out for this."

A Blue diner sends her turbot back, saying it’s very bland. This is just after Chef Ramsay has hounded Brad about making sure the consommé that goes with the turbot is full of flavor. Chef Ramsay calls Brad over for a taste test of what looks like “baby vomit” and then orders him to start again. The girls, meanwhile, have let themselves get all flustered and now none of them knows what is going on and they’re running around like chickens. You know it’s bad when Chef Ramsay starts kicking the bins. The girls somehow regroup and get their entrées out. One of the diners even says that the food is so good it was worth the wait. As the girls move on to dessert Bonnie is whining that no one is telling her what is going on and Jen is extremely irritated with Bonnie’s whining. Miraculously both kitchens successfully complete their dinner services and now it’s time to get ready to face the music.

The music.

Chef Ramsay lines the chefs up and tells the girls that they had no stamina tonight. The guys’ problem was that they refused to work as a team. He points out that Josh was a disaster, but his biggest concern was that neither Brad nor Rock stepped in to help salvage the situation. Shame on them. Tonight there are no winners in Hell’s Kitchen, but there was one individual who was consistent and impressive. And that was… Julia! Hooray! Finally Julia gets a shout out after weeks and weeks of great performances going without praise. Her steaks were amazing – not one of them came back. But Chef Ramsay is dismayed that it almost didn’t even make it onto the menu, and then turned out to be the most popular dish of the night! Julia is to nominate one girl for elimination. The guys must collectively nominate someone.

Upstairs Bonnie thinks she will be nominated, but makes her case that she is very creative and has “a good tongue.” Oh Bonnie, maybe say things in your head before you say them out loud. Josh tells the guys that he is sick and tired of being their whipping boy. He whines that he’s been nominated for elimination too many times. Rock confessionals that if Josh would quit screwing up he wouldn’t have to worry about that.

Back in front of the firing squad Julia nominates Bonnie, saying that she has great culinary experience, but trouble with execution. Brad tells Chef Ramsay that the guys have nominated him for taking too much control over the menu. Rock clarifies, saying that Brad’s attempt at leadership today is what led them to be unsuccessful. When Brad tries to defend himself, he says that he steps up where other people wait in the wings.

"I'm irreplaceable."

Rock senses a passive attack and pipes up saying, “Say my name!” Brad says that he thought he’d be politically correct about it, to which Rock responds, “Oh there ain’t no politically correct – we tryin’ to win a competition. Say my name!” Say my name, say my name. If no one is around you, say baby I love you. Have you been running games? Say my name, say my name. You’re acting kind of shady – ain’t calling me baby. Why the sudden change?

Well hello, Beyoncé.

Bonnie defends herself the same way she always does – saying she has a great palate and creativity and that she just needs more time in the kitchen to hone her skills. Now comes the black and white reverie which Chef Ramsay ends by saying, “The person leaving Hell’s Kitchen is… Bonnie – wake up! Brad, take your jacket off. You’re leaving Hell’s Kitchen.” Another fake out!

"My good tongue saved me again."

On his way out Brad concludes that Rock and Josh kicked him off for being their biggest competition. Well, maybe. Chef Ramsay reminds them all that to be successful as individuals they first have to be successful as teammates. I think that’s the big reason why the guys were in the doghouse tonight, personally. Josh and Rock sign off with their usual arrogance, reminding us all that they’re still here because they are so freaking amazing. Brad’s picture withers in flames as he burns in Hell’s Kitchen.

Next week the Red Team and Blue Team are melted down into one little Black Team that will be cooking for some “VIP’s.” (Jen thinks it’s Mariah Carey.) Also, Jen and Rock fight in the kitchen and someone is kicked out of the kitchen completely. Julia and Rock both cry. Stay tuned!

So what say you? Is Josh just holding on by a thread? Will Bonnie’s looks get her through yet another week of kitchen disasters? Do tell me your thoughts!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Danger: Exploding Rock Ahead

From: Tilling, 1985, Volcanoes: USGS General Interest Publication
Molten rock below the surface of the Earth that rises in volcanic vents is known as magma, but after it erupts from a volcano it is called lava.

This week on Hell’s Kitchen we witness our very own molten Rock in states of bubbling magma and erupting lava. This is the biggest tizzy fit I’ve seen since we bid a fond farewell to our blubbering hypochondriac, Aaron. And this is a fit of anger. Find yourself some good cover as we dive into this week’s episode, because Mt. Vesuvius is about to explode and Hell’s Kitchen is about to become Pompeii. Look out!

Tonight’s Hell’s Kitchen starts off a little more joyfully than most. No one got sent home last week if you’ll recall, so no one is mourning anyone’s loss. The Red Team is, however, extremely grateful that Chef Ramsay has removed Melissa from their team and stuck her with the boys. The boys aren’t so happy about that, but for now they are willing to be good sports and play nice. Melissa is happy not to have to carry the girls anymore and she announces to the guys that she will never “savatoge” anyone. Rock tells her that things are a little different on their team, but they’ll talk about that later. Then he tells us that Melissa is still going down. All the switch means is that she gets an extra day.

"Welcome to the Blue Team, short-timer!"

Right about now the Red Team parades through the smoking area with Bonnie calling for a team meeting, adding to Melissa, “Not you, bitch!” That gets a chuckle from Rock. The girls, minus Melissa, pow-wow to determine that they are really going to step it up now. They hug it out to seal the deal.

The next morning the chefs sit around awaiting their fate. Something extraordinarily scandalous occurs that kind of slips by me. After several replays and some internet research I think I have it figured out. Josh mentions this restaurant in Philadelphia called Le Bec-Fin. This is one of a group of restaurants belonging to a Chef Georges Perrier. The Le Bec-Fin website plays snooty music and a summer dinner costs a cool $90 a plate. Basically this is only a restaurant I will ever visit if a rich person takes me. And the website makes sure I know that. Anyway, when Josh mentions the restaurant, Jen immediately goes, “Yeah, Georges Perrier! I worked there!” This is where the scandal comes in. Everybody turns to look at her and a couple of the guys say, “Did you?” The Hell’s Kitchen orchestra even clashes a cymbal. This is big. You see, Jen is a pastry chef, or so she has told everyone. She squirms around and quickly says, “Well, not at Georges Perrier, but I worked in Philadelphia.” Hmmm, sketchy. Rock is particularly discombobulated, whining that Jen said she’s never cooked and is only a pastry chef. I’m a little confused because Le Bec-Fin has its very own patisserie, which is snooty talk for bakery (at least in America), so it’s not beyond comprehension that Jen may have iced a cake or two there. She frantically back pedals, saying that the bulk of her work over the past five years has been in pastry. The chefs are stunned and look around at each other in a very confused manner. Jen privately tells us that she doesn’t want to broadcast her entire resume because this way people will see her skills and be very impressed, thinking she just came from a small town bakery. Well… okay, I guess. I’m still not quite sure what the big deal is, but even Herr Narrator says, “The aspiring chefs are discovering that in Hell’s Kitchen people are not always as they seem.” So okay, Jen has pulled one over on all of us, and then tipped her hand a little? Rock admits that Jen’s “holding back” on her private info is a sign of good gamesmanship. I guess the biggest surprise is that Jen has a sneaky side. Have we spent enough time on this yet?

"My evil plan is well underway."

Downstairs the chefs line up once again before His Majesty, Chef Ramsay, who is standing in front of what Bonnie says looks like a covered piano. She wonders if they’ll have to sing about food today. Close Bonnie, but no cigar. Today the chefs will showcase their creativity by working with… lobster! Chef Ramsay uncovers an enormous tank filled with live lobsters. Julia doesn’t think she’s ever even eaten lobster. Brad is stoked. Bonnie is worried because she hates killing lobsters. She says she always cries, to which Rock adds, “So do the lobsters.” ZING! Chef Ramsay recalls the taste-off from a couple of weeks ago and reminds everyone that when Josh was fed lobster he thought it was a scallop so today he can’t participate in the challenge, he can only coach. This will even out the number of players on each team. The challenge rings of Iron Chef, with each team having one hour to create three lobster dishes (the secret ingredient you know), and Chef Ramsay will judge which team creates the best dishes. They have to reach into the tanks to choose their lobsters and the lobsters’ claws aren’t rubber banded, so there are a couple of pinches. Bonnie tries to get out of grabbing a lobster by going to fetch a pan, but it doesn’t work. She has to dive in anyway. She whines – not quietly – the entire time, but manages to catch a huge lobster. She winces and whines while she throws it into the pot. Oh brother.

"What? I have to touch the food? Ew!"

On the Blue Team, Rock is going to fry up some lobster tail while Brad whips up a bisque. Josh coaches Melissa in making “chilled lobster” so we’ll see what that ends up meaning. Melissa confessionals that the guys on the Blue Team are “confident and they have great ideers.” We’ll soon find out! On the Red Team Julia is making lobster risotto and Jen is of course worried because of Julia’s limited knowledge so she is giving her many tips. As the seconds count down everyone plates their surprises and lines up in front of the judge.

First Bonnie and Melissa go head to head presenting Chef Ramsay with salads. Bonnie has made grilled lobster salad with baked apples. Apparently grilling lobster is a huge risk but it paid off because Chef Ramsay finds it “very nice.” Melissa has a citrus herb salad with poached lobster, so that is Josh’s “chilled lobster” dish. Unfortunately Chef Ramsay says that the lobster isn’t really cooked properly. Bonnie wins the point. Now Julia presents her lobster risotto, which also gets a “very nice” from Chef Ramsay, but he says the risotto isn’t as exciting as he would have liked. Rock uncovers his buttermilk fried lobster tail which Chef Ramsay finds very ambitious and cooked perfectly. Rock wins the point. Imagine that – the challenge is neck and neck! That never happens! Let’s see how it ends. Jen presents a lobster and crab bisque that is “nice” and Brad has a more modern version of lobster bisque, whatever that means. It is also “nice.” Chef Ramsay is in a conundrum because both final dishes are so great! We go to commercial watching a lobster sink to the bottom of the tank blowing bubbles in the shape of a pitchfork.

Oh those graphic editors!

We come back and Chef Ramsay picks… the Red Team! Bonnie says it’s because Chef Ramsay doesn’t like foofy food, but I don’t think that’s it. The girls’ prize is a photo shoot and interview with In Touch magazine, which is pretty cool. I bet Chef Ramsay was much more excited to watch the girls get their hair and makeup done than he would be to watch the guys. Although, it could have been perfect for Josh if it were a GQ shoot instead of In Touch. The girls run off squealing while Chef Ramsay tells the guys that their punishment is to rifle through all of the trash in Hell’s Kitchen and separate out anything that can be recycled. Someone is a bitter party of one and that someone is Rock. He is not pleased. He reminds us again that he grew up in the ghetto – yes Rock, we remember – but he’s never gone through trash. Well maybe not, but your team keeps losing!

Brad says they should take their punishment like gentlemen and Chef Ramsay thanks him for being a man. Rock snaps, “I guess I’m not a man!” and storms off to throw stuff around in an angry tantrum in the kitchen. Remember what I said about magma and lava? He is yelling the entire time about how ordinary lobster bisque is (Brad also made lobster bisque) and how easy it is to make a grilled lobster salad with apples (Melissa did poached with citrus – and it wasn’t cooked properly) and he is so mad that they lost! He bangs his finger against his head screaming “Originality!” apparently forgetting that his was the only original dish. It’s still a team challenge, Rock! No good. He’s determined to be a huge baby about this.

"I'm the genius! There's no trash up in here!"

The Blue Team goes outside to a giant pile of recyclable stuff and they are told to separate everything and rinse it all out. Yeah, that totally sucks, but they lost. They had Spa Day last week and you can’t win them all.

Dive in, guys!

The Red Team hops into the limo and starts pouring the champagne. They arrive at In Touch where a team of specialists is waiting to give them the royal treatment. Oh, this is a great prize. I’ve always wanted to have my makeup done by a professional. Makeup is magic. It can seriously transform. In fact… okay I’m snapping out of my makeup trance. Let’s see what they can do. Wow, Bonnie looks really cute. She’s cutsie anyway, but they did a great job on her. She also gets a really cool dress to wear. Julia looks adorable all done up in her little green dress and Jen even looks quite nice with makeup and curly hair in a little black cocktail dress. They make a toast to each other, “to the hotties of Hell’s Kitchen.” Aw, how cute. Any doubts on why that final point went to the girls?

The reason the bisque beat the bisque.

Back at the trash pile, Sous Chef Scott tells Rock that he’s needed at the photo shoot, so Rock walks over and climbs into one of the SUV’s. I’m wondering if, since he made a good dish in the challenge, he’ll also get to be in the shoot – you know, the biggest contenders or something, who knows? He walks in to find the girls and Chef Ramsay standing around nibbling and looking fabulous. Chef Ramsay turns to him and feigns surprise at seeing him. Then he tells him to take the trash can from the photo studio back with him and separate everything out. Oh no he didn’t! He even asks Rock if he’d like a sandwich for the journey, to which Rock answers that he’s full of shiz-nit already. He storms away. I love it! This is how Chef Ramsay reacts to a tantrum and I love it! He’s not going to stand for someone acting like he owns the place and is better than everyone else! Go Chef Ramsay! Eat it, Rock! And grow up.

For the photo the girls are arranged around Chef Ramsay in a Charlie’s Angels style pose, holding kitchen utensils instead of guns. I hate to say this, but this is how my girlfriends and I posed for dance pictures in high school. I also did it during my college study abroad with girlfriends in Europe. So not original. Not to crap on In Touch or anything, but come on, aren’t you people professionals? After Rock’s “Originality!” rant he would not have been pleased to see such a recycled and overused pose. Despite the stupid pose, the girls had a great time feeling like rock stars and looking gorgeous. I would have too. But I may have suggested a different pose.

Been done to death.

When Rock returns to his team he is angrier than ever. Brad confessionals that his little trip to the photo shoot was like rubbing salt in the wound. That’s exactly right, Brad. And notice that since you acted like an adult you didn’t have to face any further humiliation. Rock screams some more in a confessional of his own, getting really worked up and saying that he doesn’t make his cooks go through the trash, and “if you don’t like what I put in the trash, fire me then!” Well at least he has a sense of humor about all this. Wait.

Later when the girls return to Hell’s Kitchen, there is no time to rest because we are heading right into our next dinner service. Rock has worn himself out with all of his throwing and screaming (lava) so he has retreated to a quiet corner outside where he sits and concentrates really hard on being a silent baby (magma). He confessionals that he’s ready now to go back to being his team’s leader (when did that happen?), and return to his sanctuary and do what he does best – cook. Rock, I’ve never tasted your food, but it looks to me like what you do best is flip out.

Rock focuses the rage.

During prep time, Melissa is totally subservient to her new team members. Gone are the days of Boss Melissa demanding that all questions come to her and that she will be the one to save the day. Now she meekly follows orders and tries not to get the guys mad at her. She knows she’s on her very last leg. The guys do positive affirmations, saying it’s their night.

The Red Team, still in glorious makeup, is also feeling very confident, mainly due to the fact that Melissa is no longer screaming in their faces. Bonnie is worried because there is still the same amount of work to be done, but only three people to do it all. I think Jen washed her makeup off. Aren’t you glad I’m here to point out the important details?

Chef Ramsay arrives and gathers the chefs around to give them some last minute instructions. Tonight Bonnie’s stellar grilled lobster salad is going on the menu as a main course. Oh, what do you have to say about that, Rock?

"You can get that at the Corner Bakery!"

I guess since it is so easy and boring you won’t mind whipping up plate after plate of it for the diners to rave about. But wait, there’s more. Since the Blue Team lost the lobster challenge, it is their job to run to the tank and fetch lobsters every time an order comes in for Bonnie’s salad. Before people run for cover from Rock’s next blow-up, Josh volunteers to be the one to fetch all the lobster. Thank you for saving us all Josh. Rock, skip the tantrum please. Chef Ramsay finishes by reminding Melissa that this is her very last chance. Jean Philippe opens the doors to Lobster Night in Hell’s Kitchen!

The Red Team starts taking orders and Chef Ramsay is giving them some uncharacteristically sweet words of encouragement. This is his kind mentor side showing through and I find it quite endearing, like he’s gratified that he’s made real chefs out of this rag-tag bunch of wannabes. I secretly think Julia is one of his proudest achievements. She immediately needs a lobster and Josh goes running out to fetch one for her. He confessionals that tonight he is the lobster bitch and it sucks. Yes Josh, but we all thank you for not letting Rock do it. That would have led to the tanks being smashed all over the dining room and the lobsters escaping and pinching all of the soaking diners while Rock threw broken glass around.

As dinner gets underway Rock tells Melissa to just lean on the team and ask questions if she has them. He confessionals that he’s not really concerned for Melissa, but he just wants his team to win. That makes sense and Melissa has been a hindrance lately. Chef Ramsay notices some spaghetti soaking in a pot of not-boiling water and is immediately disgusted. Rock removes the spaghetti – he is the team leader after all.

The Red Kitchen is doing a great job being in sync and getting their dishes out in a timely manner. They are like clockwork and Chef Ramsay is complementing them right and left. On the other hand, the Blue Kitchen is still fumbling. Brad sends up a bloody risotto that no one has ordered and Chef Ramsay starts getting really annoyed. He calls it a little gift that he doesn’t bleeping need. “Stop panicking! Unbelievable.” The Red Team is still doing everything right.

The Blue diners are mostly still sitting around waiting for their appetizers and poor Jean Philippe can only thank them for their patience. Melissa has messed up some scallops by making them too thin. Chef Ramsay calls her a gremlin and says that she screws everything she touches. Ha! A gremlin. That is some great imagery.

Melissa looks for scallops.

Chef Ramsay continues to pump up the Red Team, saying they’ve had a phenomenal start and if they screw up now it will be their own fault. And just when it looks like the Red Team can do no wrong, Bonnie starts an enormous fire in a pan.

Hell's Kitchen gets literal.

She kind of panics and picks up the pan to move it, not really knowing what to do. Chef Ramsay is screaming at her to put the pan down and stop. She ends up putting it on the floor and Chef Ramsay picks it back up with the fire somehow miraculously out. He tells her not to ever pick up a burning pan, but to step back and not panic. Then he starts talking about Bonnie evacuating the place and how burning down the whole restaurant would be a first. And just as they were doing so well!

Over in the Blue Kitchen Josh is pouring what looks like cake batter from one bowl into another. It turns out that it is mashed potatoes and even I know that looks dead wrong.

Mmm... cake.

Josh needs to add more salt and Chef Ramsay starts kicking the garbage cans (bins) and calling the Blue Team a bunch of bleeping babies. The Red Team is back to their former glory, with perfect mashed potatoes and beautiful Beef Wellington. Blue Brad, meanwhile, has overcooked his bloody risotto and Chef Ramsay tells him in his ear that this has been his worst service ever. Brad tells us that Melissa is the one who ruined the risotto. That’s no surprise.

Our little Julia takes a bit of a tumble in the Red Kitchen when she becomes flustered and starts giving Chef Ramsay the wrong information. He quickly becomes exasperated and tells her to stop and focus. She keeps trying to cook while he lectures her which makes him very irritable. Personally I think he is desperate not to see his little protégé making silly mistakes.

Next on the Blue Team Melissa presents Chef Ramsay with overcooked monk fish. Josh is called over to confirm that the monk fish is ruined, and then Chef Ramsay goes to each member of the Blue Team separately to tell them that Melissa can’t tell when monk fish is overcooked. Even Sous Chef Scott has a look. Chef Ramsay says it looks like regurgitated dog crap and then we learn that Melissa has not only destroyed the monk fish, she has also run out of it. So now everyone who has ordered monk fish is out of luck. How do you think Chef Ramsay takes this information? That’s right, not well. He screams at Melissa to get off the fish station and on to the garnishes. Rock is ordered to take over for her. He tells the Blue Team that we never give up.

"Why must you sabotage me?"

It looks like the Red Team has just about achieved a splendid victory as they are working on delivering their two final tickets. But just before all ends well, Julia tells Bonnie her Wellingtons are done and Bonnie is not in agreement. She says it’s her station and to put the Wellingtons back in the oven. Julia calmly asks Bonnie not to talk to her like that (you know, like she’s a complete moron), and Bonnie says, “Julia, then listen, okay?” Bonnie then, of course, confessionals that Julia is overwhelmed because of her lack of experience and she just can’t keep up. How many times to we have to hear this already? Julia has done so well! Tonight is the first time Chef Ramsay has even had words with her and still the other girls keep harping on the fact that she has less experience. She’s never started a fire or dug food out of the trash. What gives? It’s so irritating. Apparently Julia thinks so too because she begins to cry as she is clearing down her station. Who can blame her? Am I playing favorites?

Well guess what has happened in the Blue Kitchen. Melissa has run out of potatoes. Chef Ramsay is nearing the breaking point and then a table of six sends back all of their entrées, saying that the lobster is dreadfully overcooked. I bet I know who cooked it! Chef Ramsay has had it and delivers the following speech: “Hello! Look at me! Thanks for the overcooked monk fish! Thanks for shafting me on the mashed potatoes! And thanks for being (incomprehensible) appetizers! It’s just so sad. SHUT IT DOWN!” It’s all over for the Blue Team. One diner sadly asks if they don’t even get dessert. Jean Philippe tells him when it’s closed, it’s closed. Shut down!

At tonight’s lineup there is no hesitation. Chef Ramsay tells the Blue Team that they lost and they are crap. Then he lists off their respective job titles: sous chef, executive chef, sous chef, line chef. And they’ve been beaten by a nanny, a short order cook, and a pastry chef. Feel the shame. After berating each team member individually, Chef Ramsay asks Rock why this is going on. Rock says that Chef Ramsay puts a lot of pressure on them (to which Chef Ramsay answers “Welcome to Hell’s Kitchen!”) and that some people just can’t handle pressure. The Blue Team is to select two nominees for elimination and to fudge off out of here.

Upstairs over several packs of cigarettes the Blue Team discusses who will go up. Melissa is of course the first choice and even she admits that. Oh, not carrying everyone anymore, Melissa? As for the second nominee, the guys discuss whether they should nominate based on tonight’s performance alone or on overall performance throughout the competition. They settle on overall performance and select Josh to go up with Melissa.

Back downstairs Chef Ramsay wants to know if their decision was difficult. Then he tells them to cut the crap, calls Melissa forward, and tells her to take her jacket off and get out of Hell’s Kitchen. Wow! He didn’t even wait to hear the nominations! “You, Madam, have had more chances than anybody. Good night!” Melissa nods and takes her fake boobs, fake hair, and fever blister out the door. She tells the camera that Chef Ramsay expected her to perform and she didn’t. That’s correct. Rock says he doesn’t feel bad because for him to win he’ll have to see everyone go. Just as the guys are about to breathe a sigh of relief Chef Ramsay announces that he’s not done yet and orders Brad and Josh to step forward.

The new faces of GQ

Josh claims that he has improved with every service, he’s not ready to give up, and he will keep fighting. Chef Ramsay tells Brad that tonight he was so bad that he complimented sh**. Brad says he’s embarrassed about tonight’s service, but he feels that he’s good. Chef Ramsay cuts him off, talking about endless excuses and pathetic cooking. He lapses into a black-and-white reverie reflecting on how awful Josh and Brad were tonight. And Chef Ramsay’s decision is… both of you, back in line! They both get another chance. It’s three girls and three guys and they all need to get a grip! Now get out! Chef Ramsay says that Melissa is assertive and sounds like a leader, but she doesn’t cook like a leader. Her picture ignites and she burns in Hell’s Kitchen.

Next week features a paintball competition and each team gets to present its very own menu for the dinner service. We are also promised that Chef Ramsay does “something drastic.” Oh you mean different than most weeks, Herr Narrator?

So tell me your thoughts! I think that Rock should have been on the chopping block for his piece of crap attitude in the kitchen today. Yes he’s done well with the food, but who cares if he completely loses it when things don’t go his way? That was the worst sportsmanship I’ve seen so far and I think Chef Ramsay should have called him out on it and scared him a little. But that’s just me…

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Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta